The Broski Report with Brittany Broski - 41: WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

This week on The Broski Report, Fearless Leader Brittany Broski updates the nation on her Irish suitor, reveals her love for Hamburger Helper, and divulges her flirting techniques. 👕 Get your merch here: https://broski.shop/ Follow The Broski Report:https://www.linktr.ee/broskireporthttps://www.tiktok.com/@broskireport https://instagram.com/broskireport  Follow Brittany: https://www.tiktok.com/@brittany_broski  https://instagram.com/brittany_broski  https://youtube.com/brittany_broski Follow Royal Court:https://www.tiktok.com/@bbroyalcourthttps://www.instagram.com/royalcourthttps://www.twitter.com/bbroyalcourt  Brought To You By:Factor – Get 50% off at https://factormeals.com/broski50 with code BROSKI50Tinder – Download the app now Blissy – Get 30% off at https://blissy.com/broski with code BROSKIMusicians of The Week: Still WoozyTV GirlPeach Pit#brittanybroski, #broski, #broskination, #broskireport, #irish, #ireland, #hamburgerhelper, #flirting, #dating

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds, because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. Direct from the Broski Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California.

This is the Brozky Report with your host, Brittany Broski. Hey guys! Annazio, right? Anoiseo. Comezumina. Right, guys? Okay, here's the thing. I'm doing laundry.

if you hear it in the background, I'm going to say it like I do every single time. I'm a real woman. I know I look like one of those perfect. If you rendered the perfect human face, like through AI, I know I'm just about really close to that, guys. Seriously, it is me. I'm a real human. I have flaws. It's hard to think of one right now, but I will get back to you on that.

We will loop back, sort of circle back, bumping this up in the inbox. No pressure, absolutely no pressure, but I do need this address by EOD, end of day. Okay? I'm a real human. I do laundry and dishes, okay? Yes, I still do my own laundry and dishes. I know you say, Brittany, your hands are so dainty. Your hands are so dainty and frail.

Please put down the mug. You don't have to wash it. And I say, guys, guys, let me do this. I've always thought I have my father's hands because guess what I do? These are the hands of a blue collar man. Okay? My hands look like this so hers can look like this. but it's just that chicken foot with the painted nails.

It's a chicken foot with three talons and a red painted nails. My hands look like my father's, so hers can look like that, okay? I need a man who will go out there and dig the earth, dig the soil, so that these meaty hands can get a break. I hope that, like, if I ever lose weight, that I'll have dainty little grandma hands. I want people to hold my hand and be like, Nana, this is like, I grip your hand with such a force.

I crack your body. People will practice. Okay, do you remember, this is a deep cut. Indulge me. That scene from Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging. And again, I don't know why my lore always goes back to that fucking movie. Angus Thong's Perfect Snogging. Sherlock Holmes, a Game of Shadows, starring Robert Downey Jr.

Iron Man 2, starring Robert Downey Jr. And Aquamarine. Those are the four pillars of media in this nation that affected me really to my core for some fucking reason. I don't know why. Angusong's in perfect snogging. There is a scene, and I forgot what I was talking about. It's crazy how quick that happens. I'm trying to connect too many synapsies at once, okay?

My synapses are snapping back in blissful anguish. That's a sleep token song. What the fuck was I talking about? I guess we'll never know. Happy St. Patrick's Day week, guys. It's the week of Patty. Patty, Patricia, if you will. St. Patrick, He-they.

Patrick, St. Patrick is probably He-thay. Like, that's so, like, I don't know, because he was bending sort of like, you know, do you see my vision? Like, St. Patrick gives he-they. Just a little bit. I don't know why. Happy non-binary day of visibility to St. Patrick.

I will be celebrating by not putting on another one of those green hats because my editors texted me and said, please fucking stop. And I said, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, when I wear a green hat in front of my green screen, you guys need to grow up. Okay? We need to have a certain level of like Lucasfilm production green screen and AR, not AR, VR, VR, and LED screens around me.

Okay? At all times, we need to film the Brosky Report like it's an episode of the fucking Mandalorian. Alas, we don't. The budget is not here. So I will not be putting on another St. Patrick's Day Viking hat yet. Okay? Maybe give it time because I made this cup of coffee.

The best part of waking up is business in your cup. My coffee cup just has business on it. This is from the brand vacation, which let me give a quick shout out to the brand vacation. They have never paid me an ounce of cash of cheddar cheese provolone, if you will. They have not once sent me a dollar and I rep them like I started the fucking company, dude. When there's a good company with good products, period. I love vacation. It is the cutest little brand with everything's like Miami.

hotel business themed from like the 60s, 70s, 80s. No, it's very 80s. It's very 80s hotel vibe, but it's so polished and everything like the typography is beautiful. The candles smell so good. There's three candles. They sell sweet lobby and pool boy. Pool boy is going to be my favorite. Okay. I burn that shit. Once like it's 70 outside, I'm burning that shit. It's burning right here. I don't know if you can see it. It's out of frame. I love vacation. And they make sunscreen. tanning stuff. I use a sunscreen every morning and then the the candles are really my obsession right now. And then they sent me a PR package one time and this cute little coffee cup came in it. I was like, yeah, dude, because guess what? I do business. Okay? I run a mogul. Maybe I don't know

what mogul means. I am a mogul. That's what I mean. Mogul definition. an important or powerful person, especially in the motion picture or media industry. Dude, I'm running a news network. We're running the news. You bitches could not be trusted at these major news networks. Guess who's in charge now? Me, bitch.

And I'm reporting on what matters. And you know what matters? I have updates on the Irishman. Okay, going back to St. Patrick's Day, updating you on my Irish. husband. I ranted last week. It was a big thing. Got it off my chest. The inevitable happened. We were inching towards it. We were going. We were chugging along. Everything was great. The inevitable happened. And guess what? I am healed enough. Y'all,

y'all, can you bow your heads and prayer with me really quick? Dear Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for gathering all of us together with our eyes shut and heads bowed in prayer, I'd like to thank you for freeing me of the shackles of this Irishman. Lord, I thank you for looking over me, keeping your hand on my shoulder when it comes to the Irish. The Irish are devil people. They're devilish folk. They are not to be trusted. Lord, I thank you for keeping your hand on me over me, watching me.

You led me out of the darkness and into the light, amen. Church, amen. Lord, I thank you so much for guiding me. me away from the island of Ireland. I was so close. I was so, now I'm just doing Trump. I was so close. So close. Okay. And now I'll never know. Now we'll never have to visit the eternal damnation that awaits Ireland. Amen, church. Amen. And here's what happened. Okay. Prayer over. Here's what happened. He ghosted me, finally. But here's the thing, I prepped for it. Because all last week I talked about it, okay? It's coming. I feel it.

conversation is slowed down. He responds to me in like three business days. I'm over it. Like that makes me feel shitty, dude. That makes me feel shitty. Imagine having direct access to me, bitch. If I wasn't me and I was a young gentleman with a painter and I could talk to a woman like me, imagine not responding. Imagine being like, oh, she texted me.

I'll get to it later. Bored. You don't know what you got till it's gone. And this young gentleman, I'm gone. You lost me. He ghosted me. I hate to tell you, you lost me.

One of those like emo, old head, IG memes, they don't know what they got until you lost me. I'm like the diamond at the end of Titanic. You lost me in the sea. Bitch, he ghosted me. Bitch, he threw me into the sea, okay? He doesn't care if I live or die.

Now, does that be? bother me? Yeah. Okay, but do I feel free? Yes. Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! We made it, dude, out of the other side. We never have to talk about Ireland ever again. Until next week. Until next week. The dating app that I used went ahead and charged me a second

month. They charged me a second month for premium. Premium. Premium. Did you charge me a second month? Did you all remember that TikTok? character, the little animated guy, he was a chef. Do you remember him? Put him up here. I don't remember his name.

I'll find him. I loved him. Tiny chef, little chef. That was his name. I used to comment. I used to comment. Every time one of his videos would come on my 4-U page, I'd say, you saved my life, little chef.

Little chef, you've done more for me than any therapist ever has. He'd be like, we're going to make some pinky, too, big. him. And I was like, he's done more for my mental health than any therapist ever has. Anyway, that's what I sounded like just now. What the fuck was I talking about? Oh my God, dude. Come on! Oh, he ghosted, okay? I knew it was coming, like I said, I prepared myself. It does. Because here's the thing. It's a shitty feeling. When you feel like you're a fucking email thread that these people have to circle back to,

like, no, dude, my time is worth so much more than sitting around, literally that Pablo Escobar meme of like sitting around waiting for him to text me back. That literally, legitimately is what it turns into. I'm pacing around my house, okay, with my little cardigan, my little English teacher cardigan. Just like, it's kind of chilly in here. I'm sweating. Sweat's down my back. It's kind of chilly. I'm waiting by the window for him to like text me back. He doesn't. So that was it. It's also not even texting. That bitch has WhatsApp because he's in Ireland. Get your money up We're texting on WhatsApp

Get your fucking money up I think that's a pretty standard way To communicate with people overseas With people not in your own country I think WhatsApp's kind of More like internationally used Maybe than I message I could be making that up

Still get your money up Yeah dude I'm feeling free Okay That meme of the guy breaking his chains That's literally me That's how I feel Because I've been obsessed I've been obsessed with this dude

I've been obsessed with this dude for going on a month now, okay? Doesn't care if I live or die, barely responds to me, but our banter was so good. I was talking to my friend Katie, and she was like, dude, if anything, he's the blueprint. Like, he's the blueprint now

for me to steal his personality. And I was like, you know what? You're so fucking right, actually. Because he was so funny, so funny and so smart that I was like, you know what? The fact that we're even on this level where like, I'm going to steal some of his jokes,

I think. You fuck on me. I still. your bit. That's what happens. You fuck on me, I steal your bit. Point blank, period. So now, every time in the future, when I'm funny, it's the Irishman that lives within me. I consumed his spirit akin to the likes of a twin in the womb. Okay? I absorbed my twin. He's my, except I absorbed my ex-situationhip. Was it even a situation ship? We had not met or ever

spoken on the phone. No. Actually, yes, it was. Yes. That Patrick the Star thing. Anyway, it's over. And I woke up this morning feeling so... Because he hasn't responded in three days. And I was like, it's been three days, bitch. And it's Saturday today.

He's not responding. And he hasn't, and I'm okay with that. Because I feel free. Free as a bird. Free as I'll ever be. Darius Rucker got arrested. He sings that. Free as will ever be.

ever be free as will oh i'm lying that's zach brown band just as free released in 2006 hell yeah okay this is actually going to be saying well man never mind but darius roker didn't get arrested though i think he had weed think he had pod on him and they were like you fucking criminal it's time to racially profile you and they did okay i feel free i woke up this morning with pep in my step, I woke up this morning, happy to be alive. There is nothing like the morning birds song to hearken, hearken the day, to raise your senses. I woke up, wow, filled with life and breath. I am so happy to be alive, dude. Because we nuked Ireland off the map. Oh, I've never felt so free. Freedom, freedom. Freedom. Okay?

I feel free The birds are singing The sun is shining The grass is green and dewy Oh, I could just go roll around Like a dog in the springtime I could roll around like a Zyrtec commercial I literally

I am so happy today My sister is coming to visit me this week For her spring break I'm so excited We're gonna go to Disney We're gonna do sisterly stuff Like sit next to each other in silence and scroll on TikTok.

Wow. It's really good bonding, y'all. I love my sister. So she's coming. I feel so happy. It's also just so like coming out of this. I'm going to call it a situation ship

because fuck you, it is. Fuck you! When you open yourself up to something being something and then it's not, it feels disappointing. I'm disappointed by the way that it fizzled out. I'm disappointed by the, the way that it made me feel. I'm disappointed that I once again found myself in a position

where I was begging for a crumb of attention from these shithead dudes. And it's not a great feeling. But now the tides are shifting, okay? This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds.

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On this episode of Plant Killers, we'll explore one nation's most notorious fruit and vegetable killer. Bad dirt. What makes bad dirt so bad? The answer? The ingredients. But fear not, true crime enthusiasts. This story has a happy ending.

Miracle Grow organic raised bed and garden soil. It's made with quality organic ingredients from upcycled green waste like compost and aged bark. Unlike the other guys who can't say the same, looks like bad dirt's murdering days are over. Thanks to Miracle Grow. Join us next time on plant killers. Laundry's done.

Laundry's done, guys. Now I feel the tide shifting because these every, every time this happens, I'm like, okay, okay, we're moving on. Okay, 100%. Message received, Lord. Lord, I see what you've done for others. I got a fart. That was an SBD. That was an SBD.

Code SBD. Typing that into a... Typing that. Oh, it stinks, dude. Gassing myself out. Dutch ovening myself. Hey, what's a Dutch oven? Why do Americans call it a Dutch oven?

An English inventor realized cast iron was a much cheaper alternative, but he needed to use a Dutch process to make the molds work. That's why the pot continues to be called a Dutch oven. Oh, because when you, it's like a little Le Crosette pot. And when you take the thing off, it's like, good night. Good night. We're all cooking pigs, feeding onions and their shit. Good night.

Linda, were you cooking a turd in there? Put that fucking lid back on. I didn't know we were making turd stew, Linda. Put that shit back on there. The whole open a window. This whole fucking kitchen smells like dog shit. You ever set the smoke alarm off? And it starts beeping because you burn something on the stove.

Did I tell you about the one time in college and I was like, this hot grease that came off of this turkey meat, ground turkey meat that I just cooked? What if I poured hot grease? over an open flame into a red solo cup. I never said I was a smart one. I never said I was a pretty one either. Okay, they keep me around like the jester, I told you. That would have killed if I had done that on a stage,

similar to like a blue man group, okay? I was like, check this shit out, y'all! And I took the hot turkey grease and I poured it into a solo cup. The solo cup, by the way, completely melted on the bottom and went into the flame, and then the flame grew higher. I was in my college apartment, bitch I could have died I could have killed me

at all 400 people who lived in that building Bye y'all Because I wanted to make some damn hamburger helper What the hell do y'all know about hamburger helper? What do you know about hamburger helper Girl? Hold on, pull this shit up!

Chicken and chicken No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Beef stroganoff Hamburger helper. Fuck yeah, dude. Oh, my Lord. Oh, I'm about to start salivating. Oh, this shit, dude. Hamburger helper. What was the other one? Three cheese enchilada.

Hamburger helper, uh, enchilada. Yeah, motherfucker. Oh, I could eat this with my bare hands. I could eat this with my bare grills hands. I always liked, okay, I liked this one more. Cheezing enchilada hamburger helper. than I liked the macaroni one. Y'all know the macaroni one. Did you grow up eating this? I literally, we loved this in my house. We loved hamburger helper. I used to beg for it.

Oh, this one with the cheesy Italian show. That's going to hit every time. I used to beg for this and I used to imagine me 15 years old. Okay? Here are the birds turpin? I mean, it's just a beautiful day. I used to beg for this after a long day of being a theater. kid. After being an AP student theater kid, I'd be like,

need to nourish my mind. Let's go home. Hamburger helper with a big 16 ounce glass of milk. Whole milk. 2% milk. I would... I loved milk, dude. I can't do milk now because it tears my shit up. It tears my shit up.

Oh, is this spicy milk too much for your tummy? Yes, it is. It is. Now I've got to do oat milk. One time since living in this house, I was like, fuck it. I want hamburger helper so bad. And I insticarded it, okay? I instigarted one thing of hamburger helper and turkey meat, and I used oat milk in it.

It worked just fine, okay? They look, people will try to look at you and say, you can't do that. It's impossible. What you're talking about is crazy. You're acting crazy right now. And it's up to us as citizens and members of Bro Ski Nation, aka one of the most forward-thinking progressive nations in the world, innovators of our time, truly.

It takes someone from Broke-Nation to stand up and be like, no. The recipe calls for whole milk. What if we used extra creamy oat milk? And then everyone in the audience goes, can he? And then someone else to stand up and say, wait, he's right. chemically, they're kind of the same, they serve the same purpose. Has anyone thought of this before?

And then another guy stands up and goes, this is crazy talk, it's impossible, it can never be done. And then I stand up and I say, silence, silence. No, I say, order, order in the court. And I say, I will let the scientist try a newfound theory. But only if he tries the first bite. And it pans over. It's Stanley. It's Stanley, once again, chained by one ankle.

Chained by one ankle. He's wearing a moo-moo. I will entertain the theory if he's willing to take the first bite. And Stanley's over there. Stanley's over there with his fucking computer, like a nerd. He's over there with his computer. My glasses! Adobe premieres open.

Fucking nerd. And then a comedically large spoon comes in and feeds him a big bite of, hamburger helper, what am I talking about, that was made with oat milk? And he goes, it's, it. And then all of us lean in comedically close. It's delicious. And then everyone, oh, bravoo, bravo. And then they bring the spoon over to me, and it's delicious.

And I hold it like a, like a elementary school boy. Holographic hamburger helper again. Holographic hamburger helper again. I recently on TikTok watched that whole episode of SpongeBob where Sheldon J. Plankton, of course, has his whole little redneck family come in. It's so funny, dude. Sherlock. Freudian slip. I'm always thinking about Sherlock.

SpongeBob was made for adults. I don't give a shit. It is way funnier watching it as an adult. And I would struggle to know myself outside. of the cultural shapings and references of SpongeBob Squarepants. Okay, it shaped me as a person.

It shaped me as a member of a generation and I do have a tattoo of the SpongeBob Jellyfish, okay? Jellyfish jelly! That's one of those I've always wanted to try. If I could just get my hands on some jellyfish jelly, damn, I know that shit would hit.

I've been craving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lately and I can't have bread. Because my doctor said no gluten. What am I supposed to do? Starve! I guess I'm going to starve. Again, a Patrick.

A Patrick reference. Put it up here. Well, I guess I'm going to starve. The chocolate bar all around his face and the camera pans down to his huge fucking foo. Well, I guess I'm going to starve. That's so mean. Okay, anyway, dude, hamburger helper. This shit hits.

I might eat it for dinner tonight. I love this shit. They also make tuna helper. Chicken helper, do they make chicken helper? Chicken helper. Yuck! They make, they do. Chicken fried rice.

Sounds bad. Old El Paso cheesy enchilada. Try with chicken instead of ground beef. Okay? Now, it does come with a cum sauce on top. They have this mystery white cum dripping very, you know, viscous cum that is tripping off the top of the dish here. Presenting hamburger helper like on one of those cooking shows.

So what we have here is a rice pilaf based dish with a ground chicken and ground beef meatball combination. On top we have a viscous creamy Alfredo cum sauce that really brings a full-bodied flavor infused with peppers infused with onions and a sort of. sort of flavorful trio combination here to provide a well-rounded meal. And then I'm Gordon Ramsey and I try it and I go, Mmm. The cum sauce, who made it?

And then some guy comes out and he's like, me, sir. Come here, sir. Come here, chef. And then he comes forward. And then, and then I give him a trophy. Because that cum sauce, it looks fucking gross, but it is delicious. Okay. and I am sorry I said cum sauce so many times.

Okay, switching topics completely. I don't know what the fuck I've been talking about for 27 minutes. I have invented a new way of flirting with men that I would like to impart on you all. And now take into consideration that I am very, very abnormal. I am very weird. I'm a weirdo. I'm a weirdo, okay? If you haven't noticed, I'm Jughead from Riverdale.

I'm a weirdo, and the way that I flirt is weird. And the way that I flirt, very few men understand what's going on, and even more so can keep up with it and kind of entertain it. Okay? I scare men. I scare them away because this is me in my true form. Alpha wolf with a fedora. This is me.

Men cannot handle not being the alpha wolf in a fedora. That is me to my core. Sometimes, you know, it's with an eyelash, okay? I have created this new way of flirting with men. I did it for my friend Katie as kind of a joke, and then she sent it to her situation ship, and it fucking worked. So I would like to share it with you all.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance, fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds, because Progressive offers discounts for paying enforcement. full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way.

Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. On this episode of Plant Killers, we'll explore one nation's most notorious fruit and vegetable killer. Bad Dirt. What makes bad dirt so bad? The answer?

The ingredients. But fear not, true crime enthusiasts. This story has a happy ending. Miracle Grow organic raised bed in garden soil. It's made with quality organic ingredients from upcycled green waste like compost and aged bark. Unlike the other guys who can't say the same, looks like bad dirt's murdering days are over. Thanks to Miracle Grow. Join us next time on plant killers.

Oh my God, y'all, the birds are just singing outside. It's just, I'm just, it's a great day. Okay, here is the tidbit. Cap cut. Hear me up. Download Capcut. Capcut has text-based templates that you can find. And you find pictures. Here's what I did for Katie, okay? Her man's in a different city and she misses him. He doesn't think about her. It's like really horrible, classic situation ship stuff. I was like, you need to go to that city, but you can't plan a trip specifically to go see him. because that's like, you know, he's working. What if he's busy? It's not like a long-distance relationship type thing.

It's like you have to make it nonchalant in the way of like, hey, I'll be there this weekend would love to see you. But also, like, transparently, you're booking the trip to go see him, right? I made a cap cut as a joke that I sent it to her that said it was like, let me, it was some song, let me find it. Okay, it was. It was Arabian nights from Aladdin. The other Arabian night.

Arabian. And then the beat drops, and it's that Doja Cat song, the, Like you, find it hard to find someone like you. That one. It goes into that, but like the beat part, and it's all these, like, flash edits. And in the beginning it's text. I'm describing the edit. In the beginning, it's text, and it says, I'm going to be in the city.

On this date, do you want to go on a date and have sex? And then the rest of the edit was like alternating pictures of her and him and like a velocity in his style. And I added glitter and butterflies on top. And I sent it to her, we were fucking dying laughing. We were dying laughing. And she was like, should I send this to him? And I was like, Katie, fuck it. Send it.

What do we have to lose? It's silly. It's funny. If it weirds him out, he's not your person. Right? If it weirds him out, it's never going to work with y'all because you're a fucking weirdo, Katie. I'm a fucking weirdo. Why would you be with a man who doesn't embrace your weirdness?

Why are you trying to act like you're not a fucking freak? You're a freak. It worked. It worked. Welcome to our club. Welcome to our club. Welcome Squidward. Welcome Squidward. It fucking worked, dude.

Capcut is the new wave. I message boring. Sending TikToks, boring. Tagging them in memes, boring. Personalizing memes, funny, boring. Capcut is the wave. Start making custom videos for the person you're entertaining, okay? Do you want to go on a date and have sex?

Boom. But it's to never had a beast like me alive. Or it's, dick like a carnival. Okay? It's to any of those songs, you make a text, and then you put pictures of you and them alternating, or you put just pictures of yourself, or you put just pictures of them, you put pictures of their animal, maybe their parents, maybe their home address.

Maybe do that. Maybe put a screenshot of their house on Zillow. You could include that in there. And then when they text back, like, was that a... Sorry, was that a screenshot of my home on Zillow? And you go, what's that? No. No, it was like a Capka. It was like a funny Capka edit of like, oh, it seemed like, do you want to go on a date? No, no, no, yeah, I got that. It was funny. I just, was that a picture of my, my, my, I mean, it's not even my house, it's my parents' house. Was my parents' house on there?

No, no, I know my finger must have slipped. I'm house hunting right now? Yeah, I'm house hunting right now. I must have accidentally included. Yeah. Okay. Right. Right. No, and I knew you were moving, but I just saw, you know, like, I grew up in that house. house so I would recognize it. I'm just kind of wondering like why it was in the edit, you know, just asking. And then that is when I block it. Okay? You're asking too many fucking questions. What are you the police?

What are you the fucking police? Get out of my asshole. Yeah, I have a screenshot in your parents' home address. What am I supposed to not? I'm supposed to not know everything about you, dude? I'm supposed to not Google your fucking grandma's name? I found your grandfather's obituary. I did that in 20 minutes or less.

There is too much information available online. For people like me? For people like me and Katie? Oh, it's over, dude. We obsess. We obsess. I found your middle school basketball team group picture, bitch. There you are.

Boom, screenshot it. Me texting, oh, he's an athlete. I found it. I found it in under 30 minutes. Timer and go. Found it. found your major, minor, and collegiate classmates. I found what clubs you were in.

I found your Spotify playlist from 2013. Don't play with me. Don't ever play with me. I will find you. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds.

because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. On this episode of Plant Killers, we'll explore One Nation's most notorious fruit and vegetable killer, bad dirt. What makes Bad Dirt so bad? the ingredients, but fear not true crime enthusiasts. This story has a happy ending. Miracle Grow

organic raised bed and garden soil. It's made with quality organic ingredients from upcycled green waste like compost and aged bark. Unlike the other guys who can't say the same, looks like bad dirt's murdering days are over. Thanks to Miracle Grow. Join us next time on plant killers. Anyway, Capcut's the new way. Capcut is a very effective method of flirting because you can customize it and it's funny. It's also, like hopefully urging them to flirt back in that way because it's fun making custom memes for each other we need to do more of that because all of us inside all of us lives an editor inside all of us lives a stanley a david dobrook i actually don't know if david doberg edited his own vlogs also fuck a bitch named david dobrook inside all of us is an editor and i think we really need to tap into it So I'm this short, actually, I was about to lie, I'll tell the truth.

The young gentleman that I am texting, I did go ahead and make an edit of him also and I sent it to him. Based on photos that I had at my disposal. Based on photos that I had collected, thanks to my own research, okay? And he loved it. So get into that. You bitch just need to figure that shit out. I'm giving you the tools for success. You need to implement them.

I can lead a horse to water. I cannot shove its head under and make it suck. I cannot give a horse one of those straws that turn piss into water. What's the straw that turns piss into water? Live straw. YouTube hosts drink urine through a live straw. I think that's actually going to be Rhett and Link that did that. The live straw filter removes waterborne bacteria, protozoa, and other dirt and particles larger than 0.02 microns.

That doesn't matter because it's still piss, dude. Like, you can't take all the bacteria out of piss. It's piss. Like, at its core, sure, I guess it's water-based, but it's piss. Oh, that's still piss. We own several livestock products and have used them repeatedly over the years. Is it safe to drink urine through a live straw? No.

Lifestraw filters do not remove dissolve salts. Exactly. And are not designed to be used to drink non-diluted urine. So why did you? So why did you add that disclaimer? Why did you add that disclaimer? Okay, so when you're making a piss cocktail, you're going to actually have the shaker in front of you, you're going to do fresh ice. There you go.

We're going to add piss. One, two. Thank you. That's just good enough. Then we're going to crack open this pariettec. And then we're going to pour it. Perfect. Okay, throw that away.

We're going to put the top on. Shake. Beautiful. And you'd knock the thing off the top of the mixing thing. Get some fresh ice in your cup. Strainer. Strain it. That's dilute.

Piss. Okay? Then out of that, your life straw, it's got a tamarind. It's got a Chamoy. Tawain rim on the straw on the life straw. Perfect. Do a little lime squeeze. Beautiful. And your Piss cocktail. And your Pistini. Actually, the perfect name for that would be Piston Cup. I did what, Miss Cup? Oh, God. Cars. Cars is actually another movie that forever impacted me. Toaader had more impact on me than a lot of men in my life growing up. What Larry the Cable Guy did with Toomater really informed who I am as a person, amongst other things. And yeah, I did what this cup? The piston cup.

And one piston cup for you and the lovely lady. Okay. There's two, you split it, there's two life straws with Chimoy Tahin rims. Okay. What did they mean by non-diluted urine? because of this, we do not recommend drinking urine with life straw filters even in low amounts. I'm glad they said that because I was about to try it. I've got some piss up and saving up.

So the life straw is to drink out of like rivers. Is the life straw to drink out of rivers? Drink directly from lakes, rivers and streams. Now see, that's great. Or fill a container to use your life straw on the. go with protection against bacteria, parasites, microplastics, silt, sand, and cloudiness. You can do all that, but you can't filter the piss? Is piss not just microplastics?

Okay? Is piss not just bacteria, microplastics, and sand? Who up pissing sand? Who up pissing sand in their diaper and drinking out of it with a life straw? All right. Sorry, guys. Sorry. Yeah, the life straw is crazy.

I'm going to start. Do you remember when also they would sell, they were promoting the life straw and then that other one, the straw that would bend up and you could put it on your keychain. And it was like, to save the turtles. To save the turtles. But they just grew mold because you bitch just never washed them. I remember I wanted one so bad. Whenever my friend would pull one out, I was like, you look fucking stupid. You look stupid.

Just have a reusable water bottle. What are you like, it's all folded up. There's like fuzzy mold. growing on it. Ew. He's like, I'm always sick. I don't know why.

I'm always just have this sort of like respiratory thing. Mama, there's mold in your straw. Anyway. It's time to talk about music.

I have to inform you all. I feel a need to sort of send out an alert, send out an amber alert, a code red, a code blue. Whenever I'm back on my white people shit,

I'm back on my white people shit, I'm locked in. Speaking of which, I went to the doctor yesterday. for a checkup, and she went ahead and told me that I'm low on vitamin D. You did not have to do blood work to tell me that. Look at me, girl.

I have not seen the sun in about four and a half months. Looking at me is like looking at a sickly Edwardian child. Bedridden, Tiny Tim, Christmas Story, Corps. Ebonyzer Scrooge Corps. when you look up white person and the spectrum of whiteness, I'm going to be on the sort of very, the like abnormal,

not even white, you're pink. Okay, there's a scale. You're pink, and then the opposite of the, I'm pink. You're so white that you are red, almost. That is me. And she went ahead and looked at me and she was like,

I need to take a vitamin D supplement. And I was like, I could have told you that. I could have told you that. Yes, I do. You're very right. I need to. I was talking to Drew the other day, and she was like, yeah, my spray tan lady. And I'm like, if I got a spray tan, if I got a spray tan at this base color, people would call it problematic.

I need a spray tan so bad, dude. I need it so bad. I can't keep living like this. I'm in the sunlight and I'm blinding planes. I drive in my car with my hand on 12 like this at the top of the steering wheel, and the reflection off the whiteness of my hand of the sun could take a plane. down. We could ground planes. That's very scary. You know how sometimes buildings with like

bronze domes, like bronze roofs or gold roofs? Roves? Roofs. Roofs. Hoof. Now see, technically that should be roofs. R-O-O-V-E-S.

Plural of roof. No fucking shit. It's roofs. In the U.S., roofs is the standard plural of roof. Elsewhere, roofs is a fairly common, but becoming less so. You stupid bitches, it should be roofs. The laws of celestial mechanics dictate that when two objects collide, there is always damage of a collateral nature. It's from Sherlock Holmes Game of Shadows. The laws of celestial mechanics and modern graphology dictate that when you write the word roofs, it should be R-O-O-O-V-E-S. Sometimes I agree that Americans have bastardized the language, okay? But linguistically speaking, the idea of an American English exists, and it is correct. Because you cannot tell someone the way in which they communicate is not.

is not legitimate because there are so many different types of English and types of dialectical and regional differences. None of them are wrong. They are just different. And I think that in this case, this is wrong. This is wrong. This does not sit well on my heart, on my spirit. Roofs? Roves. You don't say hoofs for a horse. You say, say hooves. Plural of hoof. Hoves. Also hoofs. Fuck! What is the plural of hoof? Oxford Dictionary. But see, Oxford Dictionary is not to be trusted because it's fucking British people.

Hoofs, hooves. Okay, so both are technically correct. But that's about to piss me off because no, they're not. No, they're not. No, they're not. No, they're not. Okay. Back to my white people shit. I am lacking vitamin D severely and sufficiently enough to have it be medically concerning from my doctor. I'm going to start taking a vitamin D supplement soon. Hopefully, I'll start looking less sickly. Second of all, I am tapping in to summer mode. Okay, I was talking about vacation earlier. These candles, again, I'm not vacation. If you want to pay me, imagine this is free promo. Imagine what I could do. Imagine what I could do when there's a dollar currency,

when there is a USD involved. I love vacation. I buy them with my own money. There is a candle called pool, boy that smells like summer. I love it. I think about it all the time. It's how my house smells. I burn it and I'm like, if I'm not on the beach in or around 45 minutes, I have a weapon. And I'm not scared to use it. I'm not, you know, hesitant. I'm not anxious about using it. I will use it on the nearest suspecting, unsuspecting lifeguard. What did he do nothing? The laws of celestial mechanics dictate that when two objects collide. The rules be damage of collateral nature. I have that whole scene memorized.

Do you want me to do it? I'll do it. I'll do it, fine. Graphology scene Sherlock Holmes. This scene, dude, fuck yeah. Okay, for context. Let me provide some context here. James Moriarty is the villain in the Sherlock Holmes Cinematic Universe.

Okay, he's the villain, but he is also the only person arguably, that can match Sherlock Holmes's level of wit and intellect and conniving, snivingness, okay? What does sniving mean? Sniveling. Maybe sniving is not a word. Caniving. Someone conniving is calculating, scheming, and shrewd, exactly. He is Sherlock's equal in every way, except he's evil, okay?

after John Watson, Sherlock's bestie, gets married, Sherlock goes to visit James Moriarty and is like, all right, dude, whatever you're planning, whatever schemes you're up to, I'm game, let's start this sort of inevitable game of chess, but I want to confirm that Dr. John Watson will be left out of the equation. Okay? Can you guarantee me that?

Like, I will accept this invitation, you know, of, of, let's meet face to face but please leave Watson out of it he now has a wife he's you know whatever like please offer me this one consideration and this meeting he has

with Moriarty he basically tells him to go fuck himself he goes no to your previous question regarding Dr. Watson the answer is no

when two objects collide there's always damage of a collateral nature that he's talking about Dr. John Watson, of course. And that is going to be the fifth time I've said that this episode. Okay, now this scene, in this scene where he's asking Oriardi to be like, please, bro, don't hurt Watson. He's my best friend and I think I'm in love with him also, by the way.

He's like, please don't hurt, bro. Don't hurt bro. Hurt me, but don't hurt, bro. He's got a shorty. He's got a shorty, please. And Moriardee was like, no, don't care. Don't care. So in this scene, as Moriarty is signing the book, Sherlock is walking around his office, taking everything in, he's observing, making deductions as he does.

And he notices a book that's on a shelf that is on horticulture, which horticulture is like gardening and plant maintenance, essentially. And then he looks in the window sill and sees a dried up, dead plant that, you know, the leaves are falling, the bugs are on it. And he goes, okay, interesting. because if you're a scholar of horticulture, how could you let that happen? And all these things, you know, it's like, all these, okay, okay, okay. As he's signing it, he's observing,

he goes back around to the front of the desk, and as Moriarty's handing it back to him, Sherlock goes, are you familiar with the study of graphology? And then Moriarty goes, I'm not, no. And then Sherlock says, the psychological analysis of handwriting.

And then he opens the book, and he checks out. the recently, like, we already just signed it. And he goes, The Flourishes on the Lower Zone denote a highly creative yet meticulous nature. While the flourishes in the Lower Zone, no way, I fucked it up. We'll watch it.

The Lower Zone denota. Here we go. Study of graphology. I've never given it any serious thought, no. The psychological analysis of handwriting. The upper strokes on the people. There it is. the upward strokes and the P, the J and the M indicate a genius-level intellect,

or the flourishes in the lower zone denote a highly creative yet meticulous nature. But if one observes the overall slant in the pressure of the writing, there's a suggestion of acute narcissism, a complete lack of empathy, and a pronounced inclination toward moral insanity. That's that scene, memorized it as a 13-year-old. This movie changed me. I think that this scene really opened my eyes to, and this movie and also the series Sherlock really kindled a fire of desire in me to want to become a Renaissance woman.

Being baseline good at almost everything is like really such a desirable goal. To have a baseline understanding of the world and culture and art and history. and science and math and reading and whatever. To have that be your foundation on which you live life, on which you base your opinions on life, your opinions on other people, your opinions on, you know, how can you form solid, balanced opinions on art of the present if you're not well versed in the art of the past, and to make predictions and, you know, judgments on art of the future as it concerns AI or technology or anything like that.

All of that is really important to me because these movies, impacted me so, so deeply as a kid. And I've read one or two Arthur Conan Doyle books, but they just don't, you know, I don't love Robertana Jr., it's got to be RDJ. And the books are very compelling, you know, like they're a good read, but I just have memorized these movies. They're fucking fantastic. And I watch them back, and I'm like, damn, I just get so inspired and it's such a

byproduct of the plot. You know, that's not the plot of the movie is to be like, wow, look at how. culture in Sherlock Holmes is, because arguably he's a white man around in Victorian London. Like, that's kind of, you know, it was a very colonial imperialist, still sort of celebrated culture where other cultures are being studied under a microscope and being stolen from and being conquered still. I mean, Joseph Conrad's heart of darkness was in the 1860s, right? I've Googled this before on this podcast.

1899. There you go. So it's around this time. It literally is around this time. And, I mean, taking that to consideration, of course, like a lot of this. It was also a fascination with Eastern cultures and Eastern religions and philosophies and opiates and all of this. Like, it's very culturally non-PC. But, of course, it's a period film, and it's from the time. But still, to have a curiosity, that's what I'm trying to, like, hone in on is the curiosity to find. to find out about life,

to find out about life outside of your circle, your bubble, the things that every day you choose to consume, which are arguably not your choice. They're being fed to you. They're being fed to you and they're not good for you. To break that mold, to enter into the sunlight, so to say, and say, I'm ready for new things to wash over me

versus the same old influencer tea and drama and fucking this is the new trend and blueberry milk nails and coffee makeup. Shut the fuck! Shut the fuck up, dude. Shut the fuck up, dude. I am begging on my bended knee

for you to shut the fuck up. There is so much more life to be experienced and read and heard and listened to and understood than what TikTok and Instagram feed us. I can't even get on Twitter anymore because it's fucking brain rot. It's literally just like,

it's illicit activities. And it's porn. That's all Twitter is. And it's sensational. It's just disgusting. I can't do it. Instagram is starting to feel I just can't. And then with the TikTok ban may be imminent, like I don't, there has to be something beyond this world that we've created for ourselves online.

There has to be more. We have the world at our fingertips. And this is what we do with it. We are cogs in the machine. Wake up, sheep, all. You have control over your timeline. You have control over how much time of your day you give to these apps, how much of your privacy you give to these apps, how much information. And I am a victim in this too.

It is so hard to break out of because it is tapped into the addiction in our brain. It's the serotonin. It's a dumbabid. It's a hit. Another please whip lashing. Another please lashing. That's how social media feels. Must I have another, sir? Being flogged in the public square of meta.

That's what it fucking feels like, dude. May I have another 40 lashings, please? No! Jesus Christ in heaven. My goal this year is to expand the mind. I'm reading a book right now, and once I'm done with it, I will be starting east of Eden,

and then I will go back and I will read 1984, and you bitches are going to be in for it when I start reading 1984. Well, I've read it, but I'm going to read it again. When I start reading 1984 and Brave New World again, as an adult who is going to study it, arguably, I'd like to annotate and study it like I would have in school. I'm going to have some thoughts. I'm going to have some rants on here. So I hope you guys are strapped in for that.

And I think that'll do it for me this episode, guys. I don't even know what the fuck I talked about. Oh, my God. I didn't even tell you about the music. Okay, here's my, here's my white people shit song of the, songs of the week. Okay? We're doing Still Woozy. I love Still Woozy.

I love, uh, what's that album they have called? It's the one that Goody Bag is on. You could be my habit. I might let you have it. Be my one man right. Oh, they only have one album out? this album's fucking great if this isn't nice

I don't know what is period yeah goody bag came out in 2017 I fucking love that song Habit and then Window window window's great TV girl is my current obsession

I have loved TV girls since college but it kind of comes in and out like I'll have a little indie moment I was listening to TV girl at the beach and so now that I'm like I'm burning my candles I'm doing all this I'm gonna start taking vitamin D the life is coming back into my body, my frozen, timid corpse from the wintertime. I love TV Girl.

I love the song Panny Hoes. I love Talk to Strangers. I love lovers rock. Birds don't sing. Lucy. I've been into Peach Pit recently. Alrighty Aphrodite. Blue hair by TV Girls so good.

So I'm locked into this, dude. This is my current when I'm cooking, when I'm cleaning the kitchen, when I'm whatever. I'm rocking this. And it's just happy music. It's just sort of, you know, it's just like, I love it. It makes me feel 19, and it also makes me feel like, oh, my freckles. Oh, I have freckles. I'm just a girl.

I'm just a girl with freckles that sometimes turn into moles, and I have to go to the dermatologist and get them cut off. Okay? Whatever. That is my music download of the week. Let me see if I had anything else. I have not listened to Ari's album as of. today is March 9th when I'm recording this, okay? I'm sure by the time this comes out, I will have listened to it and I will have a review,

so I'll try to do that next time. Maybe I'm so excited, dude. She said it's short, and I'm wearing my Aaron and Grande sweatshirt right now, my little jacket. My little jacket. I have not listened to Ari's album. I will get to it, okay? Gotta figure that shit out. I will listen to it and have my report back to y'all.

All right, I love you guys. Be safe. I still have merch live. Go fucking buy it. It ships out April 1. Ships out April 1 team. Brosky.shop. I have Royal Court with a new episode coming out, April.

April. I have normal YouTube videos. I upload it. If you bitches don't know, I upload a YouTube video a week. Go watch it. It's fun. It's fun. Come on.

Fun. All right. Love you guys. Bye. I'm U.S. Transportation Secretary Sean DeF The sound of a seatbelt. It's one of the most important sounds in our car. It means everyone is ready and everyone is safe.

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For many men, mental health challenges aren't recognized. until they've already taken a toll. Work pressure, financial stress, changing relationships, and traditional expectations around masculinity can quietly wear men down. Often without clear warning signs, in season three of the visibility gap, Dr. Guy Wynch and his guests explore how these pressures show up, how to spot them earlier,

and how men can access meaningful support. Listen to the new season of the visibility gap, a podcast presented by Cigna Healthcare.