The Broski Report with Brittany Broski - 7: Brittany’s Love Island Line-Up

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

This week on The Broski Report, Fearless Leader Brittany Broski talks Pride Month, her perfect Love Island line-up, and Becky G. LGBTQ+ Organizations to Support:https://www.aclu.orghttps://www.thetrevorproject.orghttps://www.rainbowrailroad.orghttps://www.hrc.orghttps://aidaccess.orghttps://www.plancpills.orgFollow The Broski Report: https://www.linktr.ee/broskireporthttps://www.tiktok.com/@broskireport https://instagram.com/broskireportFollow Brittany:https://www.tiktok.com/@brittany_broski https://instagram.com/brittany_broski https://youtube.com/brittany_broski Brought To You By:Ghost Bed – https://ghostbed.com/broskiDipsea – https://dipseastories.com/broskireport Rocket Money – https://rocketmoney.com/broskireport

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds, because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. Direct from the Brozky Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California.

This is The Brozky Report with your host, Brittany Brosky. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The Brosky Report with me, your host, Britney Brosky, the host of the Brittany Broski Brosky Report with Britney Brosky. Happy Pride Month, guys. This is what Ellen DeGeneres fought and died for. when we enlisted Ellen DeGeneres into the Bro Ski Nation Army, this is what she fought for. I think, honestly, to kind of have a serious moment,

this year's Pride Month is so, so important. And with all of the anti-LGBQ legislation happening right now, which is fucking terrifying, and with the sort of war on drag and gender expression and trans lives and, gender affirming care, all of it happening at once. Like, Pride Month means so fucking much now. It always has.

But this year especially, what the fuck is going on in America? Just like, what? And that coupled with the war on women's rights and bodily autonomy is just like, I don't, as a country, it's so regressive. And I don't understand. That really is the hardest part for me is I don't understand. where it's coming from. I do. I do understand where it's coming from. And it's a method of control. And of course, it's the patriarchy. And it's old crusty white men who are scrambling for, to keep their

level of control that they've always had because as the world changes, they become uncomfortable. And if they're uncomfortable, you know, we all suffer. So I do, I understand where it's coming from. I guess I just don't understand the timing, you know, like to come so far to take two steps forward and four steps back, it feels so fucking dystopian and handmade's tail. And it's just a really scary time to be alive right now. So I want you guys to know that as always in as not cringy of a way as possible, my channel and all of my channels, everything I ever hope to put out online, I hope to create a space where you can escape into it, where you can feel safe and you can laugh and have a good

time and forget about all of the bullshit that you have to think about in your daily life, especially for my audience who connects with what's going on right now. And honestly, all of you should. If you are not connecting with what's going on in America right now and you don't feel a personal tie to it, you need to fucking check yourself because it's not all about you. That's like I had I had a friend that I no longer talk to who he was a man when Roe v. Wade was when that happened. I was at VidCon 2022. And I had to speak on a panel that day. And the decision was released. And I called a bunch of people and I was like, I can't. If you expect me to be able to get up on a stage today while my rights are actively being stripped

away from me and everyone that I love, you're smoking fucking crack. Like, cancel everything I'm doing today. I'm going to lay in this bed and fucking cry. And that's exactly what I did. And it wasn't crying for me. It's not about me. I am affected, but it's not about me. I'm crying for every fucking woman or person with a uterus in this country that would now have

to be forced to give birth. It is quite literally the most like disturbing human rights violation I have ever like to have your bodily autonomy stripped from you. I cannot actually conceptualize what that must. I just so this happened that day during VidCon and this friend of mine who I no longer talked to was like, well, I don't understand. You live in California. you can get an abortion. He was like, you're not even pregnant. Are you? Like, is there something wrong with you?

To look me in my eyes and say that? Well, you're not even pregnant. Why do you? Oh, oh, oh, oh, I feel like a fucking gorilla. I could start beating my chest and, like, run out the door and, like, rip somebody's eyeballs out. Like, I just literally, you don't fucking get it, do you? You don't get it. Do you not have a mom, a grand?

grandma, any friend that's a woman, that if she were to be violated and somehow end up pregnant, she would have to go through with that pregnancy. She's not allowed. She could be jailed if she gets an abortion. What the fuck? What do you mean? That's also the point. It's not about me. It's about my friends who are still in fucking Texas. It's about my friends who are in the Bible Belt, who are in any of these fucked up states where to be a woman is a punishable crime. That's what it's about. It's not about me.

I was so fucking mad. I don't talk to him anymore. Those men, I don't have the patience nor the time to sit here and explain the plight of a woman in 2023 to you. Fuck you. You don't get it. Get out of my life. You have lost me as a friend.

Because you chose to say that bullshit to me. I just like, I don't. I am at this point with all of it where it's just not even, you know, I used to feel so compassionate and so, you know, I need to explain to the men in my life and even some women. You know, the pick me women and women with internalized misogyny, even my own mom sometimes. I used to sit down and explain the reality because the information. the information that my mom had when she was my age compared to the information we have now as young 20-something-year-olds, I think by and large we are absolutely the most educated generation

because of the access to information that we have, also the access to misinformation. But I just like to have to explain to my own mother who, gave birth to me. Why banning abortion is a human rights violation? I just like, and that's something very personal. And I hope that, you know, I don't want my life to be opened up to, to discussion for y'all. I want that to serve as an example of what I'm talking about. I please don't involve yourself in my life and my relationships. Please, for the love of fucking Christ. But I say that as an example of, you know, some women just truly don't understand because it's either shrouded by religion. It's shrouded by their internalized misogyny,

you know, of, well, childbirth is a miracle. Sure, you can think that. I don't ever want to have a child. Honestly, if I got pregnant, that would ruin my fucking life. I don't want a child. I don't want the burden of bringing a child into this world. I understand. I understand. understand sure that it can feel like a blessing, but if that blessing is forced upon you, is it a blessing? You know, and on top of that, you're bringing a child into this world that is innocent. That's now a victim. What if I don't want that child and I surrender it to the foster care system?

The broken, broken foster care system in America. That's part of the problem. You know, I just like, it's such a complex issue. And I think it ties very much into this war on both women and on the LGBTQ community. And it's fucking terrifying. And it's devastating and it's scary. And I want you guys to know that I'm, you know, as much as I can, I will provide a space to where you don't have to think about it and where you feel loved and accepted. and welcomed.

That's very, very important to me. Because the gay community, I mean, it's why I have the fucking pride flag on my set. Like, it is something so, so special and important to me and who I am as a person. And I don't have enough words for, to express my gratitude to the gay community for the support that I've had. And not even, I'm not even talking about my internet career.

I mean, my entire life, since I was probably 12, 13, I was hanging out with gay kids who didn't even know they were gay yet. And I think that it's always been this magnetic sort of, for whatever reason. And Trixie and I have talked about it before too, of, you know, why is it that way? And I don't know. I can't explain it. I don't think it's for me to explain. But there is a magnetism between me and who I am to the gay community.

And I feel very, very lucky to be considered, you know, to be accepted. by the gay community to a certain extent. It's something very, very special to me. And I want to reciprocate that. So I love y'all. And it's a very scary time to be alive right now. And community is more important than ever. And I just really want to hammer that in.

Because I feel isolated sometimes. I feel isolated a lot of the time. And I recognize that I live in a little bit of the time. little blue bubble here in Los Angeles. And I never in a million years thought that I would live in Los Angeles, you know, nonetheless work here and kind of this be the Bro Ski Nation HQ. And so it's weird because I never grew up around like-minded people, people who, like, to their core and to their bones, believed the things I believed that Black Lives Matter

and blue lives are not a fucking thing. and that gay rights are human rights and trans rights are human rights. And all of these things are like, I grew up with people who passionately and violently disagreed with me. And so to now move to a place where that's the standard. Of course that's the standard. It was very new to me. Because I've always felt like the black sheep of my family and of my community.

You know, oh, the tree hugger, the liberal, whatever. And now I live in arguably one of the most liberal cities in the country. and it's great and I love it. But I think there are, it's dangerous to find yourself in an echo chamber like this. It's just a feedback loop of people who are always repeating the same things because it's true. I mean, we all, I live fucking 10 minutes from West Hollywood. Like I just, this is something that it is honestly, it's, it's shocking, but it's not surprising. You know, that we're still fucking talking about all this in 2023 because of where I come from.

and the ideologies that I was raised around. Like, I have seen it firsthand. And I've experienced it firsthand. Growing up in the fucking church? Like, I just, I just want y'all to know that this is a place that you can come to. So, happy Pride Month. Holy fuck. And please go out and celebrate.

I'm also going to link some charities and organizations in the description that I really think you should check out and that I've donated to. and that I would encourage you to donate to as well. So, yeah, love you guys. Sorry for the little rant, but if you don't like it, get the fuck out sort of thing. You know what I mean? If you don't like it,

and you can lick my tiny little asshole. You can lick my tight, hairy, pink little asshole. And that's really all I have to say about it. Also, I'm wearing a Dolly Parton sweatshirt that says, tease it to Jesus and spray it like hell. So, I know that's right. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds,

because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. Wellness, longevity, health as a lifestyle. Every week a new trend explodes across the media landscape. And depending on who's talking, it's either a miracle breakthrough

or just expensive hype dressed up as science. Enter Kara Swisher. She's here to cut through the noise with their signature edge, sharp, skeptical, and allergic to nonsense. Don't miss the CNN original series Kara Swisher wants to live forever. An essential, smart, and genuinely entertaining guide to the booming longevity industry. Because let's be real. The non-stop stream of wellness promises, AI-driven health claims, and expensive tech with sometimes dubious benefits, isn't slowing down.

Kara digs into what actually works and what it really costs. From access gaps to tradeoffs most people would rather ignore. We're all getting older. That part's inevitable. The choices that come with it? Not so simple. You might as well understand what you're buying into. Say 40% for a limited time.

Get started at CNN.com slash subscribe. Terms apply. Kara Swisher wants to live forever. New series now streaming with a CNN subscription. 40%. You're welcome. Go, go, go, go, go. Bye, bye.

Okay, I want to retouch on what I talked about last week. which is, I've been rewatching Love Island. I'm still rewatching it. It's so fucking good. And I would like to pick my own Love Island lineup. Because why not, right? I am in Bro Ski Nation. We do have a form of The Hunger Games, okay?

And it's going to be my version of Love Island, which is separate from my other show I'm working on called Love Island Plus, which is, like I said, it's going to be a plus-sized Love Island. It's going to be Love Island with just a bunch of fat people. And I'll be on it. I'm going to win because I am the game maker. I'm the host and I'm also a contestant. And Love Island Plus is really a chance for me.

I'm also the only woman on the island. It's a chance for me to find my mate. It's going to be just a bunch of men that I like and it's going to be me. And I'm going to be in my little Spank's swimsuit and I'm going to have a spray tan and I'm going to have a blowout. Okay? And I'm going to have lashes and I'm going to look fucking incredible. And it's called Love Island Plus and it's just me with all my men. Okay. And then I get to pick. And they get to ask me on dates. I don't have to do anything. Okay.

Okay. Anyway, so my own love island. If I were a showrunner, if I were a producer, here is my casting. Okay. Also, if any of these people are American that I'm about to list, in my mind, they're British. Okay. Some of them are British, but if they're American, just imagine them with a British accent. And not like a terrible American doing a British accent. I mean, I might not. I know. Like, actually, like, do you know what I mean? Like, I'm in my head. Like, I don't know, baby. It's like, I really like him, but he's just a boy. Like, he's just a boy. And I know he's going to disappoint me eventually. So, like, I don't want to mug me off.

Like, I don't know. Like, I just always do this to myself. Like, I'll go for the same type of boy. And I know it's going to work. That's good, huh? I am so talented. Okay. Let's move on.

Okay, like I said, if these people are American, imagine them talking like that. Or if they're American, you can also imagine them as maybe Scottish. Then come and be like, you're right, awa, yeah. That's not Scottish. What was that? You're right, how are you? Like Welsh almost? No, what is that?

I don't know. Okay. entering the villa man number one ew ew i was trying to do a shrek that did not sound like shrek okay moving on man number one is going to be aaron taylor johnson ding ding ding ding we have a winner thank you for watching now specifically erin taylor johnson from when he was in angus thongs and perfect snogging Aaron Taylor Johnson Oh my God, I have to watch this Oh my god!

Oh, my face just got hot. Oh my God! My face just got hot. The scene were there, oh my God. The scene were there in the pool and she put that self-tanner wherever the fuck it was on her legs and they were orange

and she did a handstand on the bottom of the pool, or maybe her legs were hairy or something like that. And she was like, look what I can do. She did a handstand, and he seized her legs, and he said, like, all of us were like, ew! And then he still thinks she's beautiful. What if I shot myself with a rifle? What if I bought a gun and killed myself?

Holy shit, dude. 2008, this came out in 2008. He's so cute. He's so cute. Okay. Oh my God, don't ever put me in a room with Aaron Taylor Johnson. I will literally, I will literally rip my shirt in half right here. I would and rip my shirt in half and it would be a little like little t-shirt scraps and I'm full chested. I'm full, I'm like swinging my boobs around like I'm a fucking gorilla.

And I would start chewing on my t-shirt. And then I would, wipe my butt. Okay, I rip my shirt off and I have them in my hand up. And then I would wipe my butt with one of them. You know how sometimes monkeys will do that? Well, they'll like, itch their fucking butt and they'll smell their fingers. And back on, if Aaron Taylor Johnson walked into the same room I was in, I would rip my shirt open and then start running around on my, on my knuckles like a gorilla. and then I take one of the t-shirt pieces and wipe my butt and spill it. Oh, God.

That is so fucking ridiculous. Oh, I just started crying, dude. Thank you guys for watching this podcast. I don't know what the fuck it is. Okay. Okay. We're in Taylor Johnson. Oh, my God.

What if he sees this? Someone sends this to him. I'm gonna restrating order! I don't wanna be served a restraining order. Aaron Taylor Johnson, I'm kidding. Aaron Taylor Johnson, I know you're watching. I'm joking. I would never do that.

I would never rip my shirt open and start running around like a gorilla and start making monkey noises and wipe my butt and smell and pass out. I would never do that to you. You're acting fucking crazy right now. I would never do that to you. And I don't know where you're hearing these screen. crazy fucking lies. Okay.

Wow. Next up, Logan Lerman. Specifically from Percy Jackson. Okay. Percy Jackson. Oh my God. Wow, he looks so young. I thought he looked a lot older in this movie.

He was so cute in Percy Jackson. I'm watching Percy Jackson tonight too. Okay, what's on the watch list? Percy Jackson and Angus Thong's in Perfect Snogging. Oh my God. He is, oh my God. This was the wallpaper on my first laptop I ever had, dude. This fucking picture.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, that just Electra shocked me. He is so cute. I always used to get him and Dylan O'Brien confused because when I saw Dylan O'Brien, I was like, Dylan O'Brien looks just like the other guy. I think Logan Lerman is cuter.

I'm sorry. They look very similar. No, see, I'm not, I'm not into the beard. He looks like Shia LaBuff. That is Shia LaBuff, dude. No, Logan Lerman, Logan Lerman's supremacy. Oh, Logan Lerman's so fucking cute, dude. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, my God.

Okay, next up. And this might, stay with me. Zane Malick. I mean, obviously, right? Zane Malik gives Love Island. Like, he gives fucking Love Island. And also, additionally, to spice things up, Zane Higazi.

We would throw Zane Hajazi post hair plugs into the Love Island Villa. Okay? And we're gonna have Zane. I would pay US dollars for an interaction between Zane Malik and Zane Hajazi.

I would like to see them just try to talk to each other for 30 minutes. Put them in a room for 30 minutes. And I want it to be in a padded room and I want cameras in all four corners and I want fucking boom mics. And I want to listen to what they talk that. Wow. Zane Malag is so, so love island. He's like, I'll just, I'll pull you for a chat, yeah. I'll like, I pull you for a chat for Sapping. Sorry. Sorry. This episode is brought to you by

Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. Wellness, longevity, health as a lifestyle. Every week, a new trend explodes across the media landscape.

And depending on who's talking, it's either a miracle breakthrough or just expensive hype dressed up as science. Enter Kara Swisher. She's here to cut through the noise with her signature edge, sharp, skeptical, and allergic to nonsense. Don't miss the CNN original series Kara Swisher wants to live forever. An essential, smart, and genuinely entertaining guide to the booming longevity industry. Because let's be real.

The non-stop stream of wellness promises, AI-driven health claims, and expensive tech with sometimes dubious benefits isn't slowing down. Kara digs into what actually works and what it really costs. From access gaps to tradeoffs most people would rather ignore. We're all getting older, that part's inevitable. The choices that come with it? Not so simple. You might as well understand what you're buying into. Say 40% for a limited time.

Get started at CNN.com. Slash subscribe. Terms apply. Kara Swisher wants to live forever. New series now streaming with a CNN subscription. Slash Brosky Report. Thanks. Next up, Diego Luna. Young Diego Luna. Okay? Young Diego Luna.

Diego Luna. I'm in love with Diego Luna. I think that we could make a beautiful life together. And he's divorced. He's freshly divorced. I could be his controversially young girlfriend. I could do that because I am willing to abandon my sense of self for Diego Luna. Okay?

I would give up anything for him. How old is he? 43? No problem. No sweat. Who is he dating now? Diego Luna dating. Yalica Apparicio.

She's beautiful. Fuck. I've got to split them up. Oh, Suki Waterhouse. When was this? Oh, 2017. Because she's dating Robert Pattinson now. Wow.

Wow, dude. Oh, that's so upsetting. If I looked like Suki Waterhouse, you bitches couldn't tell me anything. You bitches, you bitches, you would pay. You bitches would pay. If I looked like Suki Waterhouse, life would never be the same. Now, this one is kind of a curveball, and you can let me know if, what you're thinking, Bryce Hall or Blake from The Bachelor, because I hate both of them.

I think Bryce Hall and Blake from the Bachelor are the definition of annoying average white men who have a god complex who literally, they would give you fucking drama, okay? Because in the villa, there always has to be some couple or some guy that everyone is talking about and not for a good reason, because it's drama, okay? That's why. So that's why I would put Bryce Hall in there is because inevitably someone would be like, I don't know. He's not.

I find him feet. Yeah, I'll do. I don't know. And then they'd be like, all right. Go for it. Go for it. I don't know. Go chat to him.

I'm going to go chat to him. And then they would. And then he would be a fucking dickhead. He would break someone's heart. And then everyone would talk about it and they would pick the girl's side. Then all the guys would turn on Bryce or some of the guys would back him. And then it would be a war between the guy. Like, it would just be drama.

I really, really see that. Because me as the showrunner, director, cast, casting director, and host and also a contestant, he has to be on the show. Okay. Next up is Lil Nas X. I think it'd be fun to have just a gay guy in there, right? To just, like, just kind of be there. He's just kind of there.

And maybe we introduced another. I always thought about that. I was like, because they should really start having, like, lesbians on Love Island. but I was like, that kind of sucks because it's not, you know, then you, it's the whole conversation of like, well, is it predatory to have a, what, shut up, bitch. Lil Nas X is on the show because it's my fucking show. Next would be Jack Harlow. But Jack Harlow, it's, I would enter a stipulation into the show rules that Jack can't talk to anyone, go on a date with anyone, look at anyone unless it's me. So that would actually be written into the show is that he can't go on a date unless it's with me.

Okay, so that's it for men. I'd like to move on to the women that I would like to see on this show. Number one, absolutely number one. This is controversial, but I don't care because it's my show. And I would watch this show. Tana Mojo. Tanamojo on Love Island, dude. She would give you television.

Because that's all this is. it's television. It's the girls fighting. It's the girls and the guys fighting. And that's all I want to see. Tanna would fight with somebody. She would get drunk and she would, well, maybe not like Tana as of today.

But like three years ago, Tana, holy shit. She would get into it. She'd be like, no, because I know you said that about me. And she'd have her vape in her hand. I would watch that television, bitch, that program. Next up, Marin Morris. Marin Morris, if she wasn't, Maron Morris, like the absolutely lovely, kind-hearted, genuine country singer that she is,

um, she looks like one of those girls that would be on Love Island, like really tiny and tan and just classically beautiful, like just really cute. She's a cute girl. She just gives Love Island vibes. I just really see her on the show. And she would be like all the guys would fawn over her until the next girl comes in. Um, the next girl, you know, whatever, because I've always hated that about Love Island. It's like, it just shows how men are so not loyal and it's always the shiny new object that is solely based on looks. It's like, you can, someone can have an incredible connection. Like, there's banta, like, he's got the chat, like, they're getting on really well. And then it comes to

another bird in the villa. And it's like, his head's been turned. Do you know what I mean? like his head's been turned and there's nothing you can do to like turn it back around you know what I mean so like I don't know it's really frustrating that's how I feel dude it's like I don't I because that in real life too it's like you're gonna be so fucking happy in a relationship and it's like if a man sees a shiny new toy he's going to play with a shiny new toy so yeah marron would be that girl though like all the guys would be like I don't know she's a really a really fancy mary and I'm really I just do, like, I don't know. And right now I'm coupled up with someone else, but like, I don't know, I just really want to go, like, get to know one better, get to know a more, don't know.

That's what it would be. Next up would be, okay, now hear me out. Monet McMichael from TikTok. Monet is such a girl's girl! Like, that's one of my favorite parts of Love Island is when all the girls are in the bathroom together getting ready and they're all like, talking shit and like being honest and, and, uh, like, being angry and then everyone, like, they can do no wrong. Like, it's never like, um, I don't know, you know, maybe you're not looking at it from all sides. It's always like, no, fuck him, girl. Like, fuck him, girl. You're

so right. I love that. I love that toxic support from your fellow women. I'm obsessed with it. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds, because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

longevity, health as a lifestyle. Every week, a new trend explodes across the media landscape. And depending on who's talking, it's either a miracle breakthrough or just expensive hype dressed up as science. Enter Kara Swisher. She's here to cut through the noise with her signature edge, sharp, skeptical, and allergic to nonsense. Don't miss the CNN original series Kara Swisher wants to live forever.

An essential, smart, and genuinely entertaining guys. to the booming longevity industry. Because let's be real, the non-stop stream of wellness promises, AI-driven health claims, and expensive tech with sometimes dubious benefits, isn't slowing down. Kara digs into what actually works

and what it really costs, from access gaps to trade-offs most people would rather ignore. We're all getting older, that part's inevitable. The choices that come with it? Not so simple. You might as well understand

what you're buying into. Save 40% for a limited time. Get started at CNN.com slash subscribe. Terms apply. Kara Swisher wants to live forever. New series now streaming with a CNN subscription. And the glam room is so cute, how like all the little tables are in the middle and there's mirrors all around so you can see everyone and everyone's having fun. They're straightening their hair, putting in extensions.

I love being a girl. I love being a girl. Oh, how I love being a woman. Anyway, Monet and McMichael, she would give us that. Like, she would be like, girl, fuck him. Like, no, no, no, you don't deserve that. Like, you deserve so much more than that. Like, do you want me to step in?

Like, I'll go talk to him. That would be Monet. She's so fucking sleigh. She would give us good TV. Like, she would go talk to a man for you. I'd be like, why did you talk to my girl? Dutta, no, that way. Like, that would be Monet.

I'm so, I love her. Next would be Amelia from Chicken Shop Date. Because obviously, because she, She's British. Like, she should, she should have already been on Love Island just because she's British and because she looks like that. She's literally that Love Island type of hot. And she would go on there and she'd be like really awkward and dry.

And then the men would gag for it. The men would be obsessed with her. And all the other girls would be like, yeah, I don't know. I was just like going out and I like doing this and I'm whatever and I'm a model and I'm whatever. And Amelia would be like, hi. Yeah. You're right. So what you do?

Like that would be Amelia. And I think they would really, really gag for it. Because they'd be like, she's so mysterious. I can't figure her out. And in reality, she's just so fucking awkward. Not Amelia in real life, though. Amelia in real life is like very warm and personable. But the character she plays on Tricker Shop Date is very like,

that's what I imagine her doing on the show. And I would love to see an interaction between Amelia and Bryce Hall. And to be so, like, put off by him. Where he would try to like ris her up. And he'd be like, yeah. So you're from England. She'd be like, yes, I am. That's it.

Like, I want Amelia to make him feel so fucking stupid, dude. Like a fucking idiot. Next up would be Becky G. Becky G. gives Love Island Beauty as well. She's just, like, tiny and the most beautiful fucking person I've ever seen in my life, by the way. Becky G. and Megan the Sallion are the most beautiful women I have ever. ever laid my eyes on. Every time a picture of Becky G comes across my feed,

every time, every time a picture of Megan the Stallion comes across my feed, I'm like, holy shit. Sorry, I just left me speechless for a second. Anyway, Becky G. I could see Becky G. Being on my version of Love Island and all the, she would get her heartbroken, though,

because she's too nice. That's the difference between her and Amelia. Amelia would be really cold to all the men and they would see it as a challenge, which is fucking gross. and Becky would be like, yeah, I'm just like really having a good time. Like, I really, really like so-and-so. Like, we're really getting on really well.

And then he would leave her in a second for the next girl that walks through the door. And she would be the one getting her heartbroken. But I think she would turn around to win it all in the end because eventually a man's going to come in and they're going to like couple up. And then it would be like, oh, my God. So Becky G. would have to be on there because she would give us good TV as well. And then finally, we're going to go for Doja Cat because Doja Cat, look, Doja Cat on Love Island would be, they would have to like stop production because she would do some shit or she would be doing bits and they'd be like, you have to be serious for like a second, like during the recoupling or whatever. Like she'd be, I've got a text, but she'd be texting people. it would be like peepy fart, penis in my ass, penis in my dirty ass, big fat penis in my dirty ass, hashtag penis, hashtag ass.

Like that's what docha do. And she would cup love with people and they would be in love with her. They'd be like, I said, I can't really get a rezona. She's very weird. Like that's a she doesn't give a fuck, dude. she would be there for a laugh I don't know I'm just having a laugh you know what I mean

she'd be like swimming in the pool oh my god that drives me insane about Love Island too like no one ever fucking swims you have a beautiful pool you're in Spain you're in Mayorka or Ibiza or something like that I don't know where they are my yorka my baia

Ibiza they're on holiday they're in the villa I love Love Island Anyway, they wouldn't know what the fuck to do with Doja Cat. And I would pay money to watch Doja Cat on Love Island. And then maybe she would go on a day and maybe like in her little confessional she'd be like, I don't know, I think Dedita is really cute. Like she would actually end up having a crush on someone, but she would never act on it.

And then he would go off with another girl. But she would give us good TV. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally Responsible, Financial Geniuses, Monetary Magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds, because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance.

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Not so simple. You might as well understand what you're buying into. Say 40% for a limited time. Get started at 7. CNN.com slash subscribe. Terms apply. Kara Swisher wants to live forever. New series now streaming with a CNN subscription. Okay, so let me pair. Okay, so obviously the winners would be me and Logan Lerman. Obviously the winners would be Logan Lerman and I, um, after I kick Jack Harlow out like, okay, there's going to be a recoupling and everyone's sitting around the fire like we're sitting around

the fire and we've got a text and it says, girls, it's now time to pick who you're recoupling with. The last man who's not picked is kicked off the island. And guess what? I would pick Logan Lerman and Jack Harlow would be kicked off the island. And I think that he would be really mad at me because we did write in the stipulation that Jack Harlow isn't allowed to talk to other women, look at other women, even talk to the men, because he's there for me only.

And so when I inevitably, the crowd's going to be like, oh, my goal. Oh my days. Oh my days. That's what the crowd would say. Because when I go for Logan Lerman, because I'm like, I don't know, he's just got chacked and he? Like, he's proper fit. It's just banter. Like, he's got the chat. I really like him. Like, we're really getting on. And then Logan would be in the confessional, like, yeah, I don't know. It's really, you know, it's something so spiritual with Brittany. Like, I don't know. I really, really like her. I could see us date outside the villa, not in the real world. That's what Logan would say about me.

And then he'd be like, and then he'd switch to American and he'd be like, but I don't know how we're filming the sequel for Percy Jackson and I don't know how I'm going to see her. I might have to take her to the set. That's what it would be. And then we get married at the end. I love Logan Lerman. Okay, so it would be me and Logan Lerman. And then I think Aaron Taylor Johnson would end up dating Monet probably.

Mm-hmm. Mm. Aaron Taylor-Johnson would end up dating Monet or Becky G. And they would date in the real world for like maybe eight months after the show ends, and then they'd break up. And that would be really devastating. How many love island couples are still together? Okay, this sucks. I don't know any of these people because I stopped watching after season six, I think.

Who won? Who won? Season 6, Love Island. Finn Tap and Paige Turley. Maybe I didn't watch season six. Who are these people? I don't know who these people are. Love Island Season 5.

Oh, I watched this one. I don't know if I finished it, though. Winners. Oh my God, I loved her, Molly Mai. And what was this fucker's name? Yeah, because, oh my God. Okay, yeah, I stopped watching season five. because Molly May came out with a wrong line of self-tan.

I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Why do British people tan like that? They have to know that tan does not look natural. Why do they do that? Like I truly, truly don't understand. Okay, speaking of Becky G, because I love Becky G. I'm in a Becky G phase right now.

And I think what started it is, because I'm still in my Pesopuma era, they have a song together. Becky G and Pesopulma called Chanel. And it's good. It's not my favorite song from Pesopulma, but like it's fine. I'll sing along to it.

And I watched the video for it. And I was like, and then they performed it at Coachella too. And I was like, again, maybe she's the most beautiful fucking person on the planet. And second of all, oh my God,

wait, I have to show you. Look at her dude, this like blue. Okay, so she came out in this blue rhinestone braulet. with this high, like one of the thongs that come up on your hip, and then she had these low-wasted jeans down under it.

And it's all blue, and then she had this matching blue cowboy hat, and then a matching blue rhinestone mic. It was so gorgeous. She is so beautiful. And then she didn't have to change it. And then, oh, my God, she's so fucking beautiful. This sequin halter dress.

She is so beautiful. Like, come on, the blue boots. So I started listening to some of her music, and it's fucking good. I like Becky G. I'm like, guys, oh my God, and she had these blue stripes

in her hair! Fuck off. She is so Gorgine. And people make fun of her because are like, singing in the shower. That it's a, that it's a la la

and, whoa, whoa, uh, sorry. Sorry, feeling annoying. Look at all.

She's gorgeous. This blouse is gorgeous. If my under, if my armpits look like that, you couldn't tell me anything. My armpits are like, my armpits are like if you, if, okay, imagine a chalkboard, like a normal black, gray chalkboard, and you took an eraser filled with chalk and just like, like slammed it against the chalkboard, that sort of white, gray texture, like the color and the sort of look is exactly what my underarmip looks like when I haven't shaved my armpits. And I think that if yours look like that too, you're cool.

And if you have flesh-toned armpits, you're weird. Okay? Cool girls have armpits that look like elephant. Elephant feet. Elephant paws. If you will. If your armpits don't look like this, you're not fucking cool. Okay?

If your armpits don't look like the ball sack of an elephant paw, the elephant's ball sack, the elephant's leg sack. That is so gross. I'm actually so sorry that I said that. Elephant feet are actually kind of cute. Like, what is that? Stupid little toes. Those are so cute.

Why do they look like that? Three big toes. Why do they have? three big toenails. That is so silly. You can't even cut, you can't even trim them with like a little toenail clipper. They're too big. His toenails are too big.

He's only got three of them. They're about big as a big toe. What are elephant toenails made of? Elephants toenails are made of keratin. Same thing. Are fingernails I made of? I'm just like an elephant for real. but instead of using an emory board like humans use,

we use something a little stronger. An angle grinder? Hey, I got to use out of my bunions. I always wonder, like, you know, we groom animals in captivity. Not in captivity, I guess, in like, conservatories, where if a species is almost going extinct and they put them in a conservatory to, like, get the population back up, or if they're wounded or whatever,

Like when you groom them and feed them whatever, like they would have to survive in the wild. Like they don't get groomed in the wild. So what naturally wears down? I guess the running and the like they probably do it themselves. Right? Like how was an elephant filing his fucking fingernails in the wild? I don't understand. Like what's the study of animals called?

Agriculture. Not botany. Zoology. What is the study of animals? Zoology. Yes, dude. I am so fucking smart. What are the three types of zoology?

I might know this, actually. Uh, uh, microzoology. Macrozoology. And mac, gee, zoology, stupid. Morphology, genomics, and ecology? I didn't know that. What the fuck is morphology? Morphology.

the study of the forms of things. The branch of biology that deals with the form of living organisms and with relationships between their structures. I immediately just got bored. I'm not interested in that. I just start thinking about something or start having a discussion about something with someone and you're like, oh, I don't care. I just, oh, guys, actually, but wait, everyone stop. I just remembered, I don't care. I think Chris Delia had a bit about that one time.

Hey, Chris Alia, RIP. redacted Chris DeLea. He had a bit one time that was like, I'm not in the business of arguing with you. Like if I get the feeling

that you're about to start arguing with me, I'll just agree with you. You know, like, I'm not going to be the one to sit there and be like, well, actually. And he had this whole bit where someone,

if someone's like, you know, the Raiders are the best team ever alive, he'd be like, yep, you're so right. And then if someone else came in the conversation, they'd be like,

actually, da-da-da, or the best. Chris would be like, yes, exactly. I was just about to say that. Like, I think that's so funny to just agree with everything everyone ever says, even if they contradict. Stupid. Sorry.

Stupid bit. Not my bit. Also, very problematic, man. Don't know why I brought him up. Stupid. All right, guys, that'll just about do it for me today. I am loving you, and I am wishing you well. I'm wishing you have a great week.

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