The Broski Report with Brittany Broski - 92: Peeing in the River

Episode Date: May 6, 2025

This week on The Broski Report, Fearless Leader Brittany Broski analyzes her genealogical traits, recounts a river trip from a few years ago, and shares her newest TikTok obsession.👕 Get your merch here: https://broski.shop/ Follow The Broski Report:https://www.linktr.ee/broskireporthttps://www.tiktok.com/@broskireport https://instagram.com/broskireport Follow Brittany:https://www.tiktok.com/@brittany_broski https://instagram.com/brittany_broski https://youtube.com/brittany_broski Follow Royal Court:https://www.youtube.com/@royalcourt https://www.tiktok.com/@bbroyalcourthttps://www.instagram.com/royalcourthttps://www.twitter.com/bbroyalcourt Brought to You By: SeatGeek – Get 10%-off Tickets – download the app and use code: BROSKI2025Songs of the Week:Boys in the Better Land by Fontaines D.C.Starburster by Fontaines D.C.Which Witch by Florence & The MachineReproductive Resources:https://aidaccess.org https://plancpills.org https://Ineedana.com https://www.reprolegalhelpline.org/ https://heyjane.com LGBTQ+ Resources:https://Translifeline.org https://Glaad.org  https://Pflag.org https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Climate Resources:https://Oceanconservancy.org https://Climateemergencyfund.org Some helpful credible resources/links to help Free Palestine:Palestinian Children’s Relief Fund - https://www.pcrf.net/UNICEF - https://www.unicefusa.org/stories/helping-gazas-children-cope-traumaDoctors Without Borders - https://donate.doctorswithoutborders.org/secure/give-monthly-double-your-impact-search-onetime-reverse-mobile?ms=ADD2301U3U49&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=BRAND.DWB_CKMSF-BRAND.DWB-GS-GS-ALL-DWBBrand.E-BO-ALL-RSA-RSARefresh.1-MONTHLY&gclid=Cj0KCQjw6PGxBhCVARIsAIumnWZpQAMikxPIRiPMfAjYsJZ-eHiRQV2pw7tu2Jlo6YL8Gk_uaTSwH0MaAtFGEALw_wcWorld Central Kitchen - https://wck.org/World Health Organization - https://www.who.int/Headcount - https://www.headcount.org/IG ACCOUNTS TO FOLLOW:@eye.on.palestine@aljazeeraenglish@palestinianyouthmovement@byplestia@motaz_azaiza@impact  CHAPTERS:00:00 – Intro01:32 – Making Potions02:04 – Fanfics04:47 – Redbull & Cilantro06:23 – Genealogy Traits18:40 – River Trip34:21 – Seafood Content42:31 – Raw Oysters49:30 – Songs of the Week55:10 – Outro #brittanybroski, #broski, #broskination, #broskireport, #wattpad, #fanfic, #genealogy, #cilantro, #river, #tubin, #arianagrande, #tiktok, #seafood, #oysters, #arcticmonkeys, #fontainesdc, #florence, #music

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds, because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. Direct from the Brozky Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California.

This is the Brozky Report with your host, Brittany Brozky. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Can you see the lock screen on my cellular device? If you can zoom in, if you could do a crash zoom? It's MBJ. is Dr. MBJ, Michael B. Jordan. Good moor singers do this shit. You gotta lead the audience where you're headed.

You gotta mold them like some needo. I've been interested and curious about investing in a needo gumdrop. Y'all know those stem toys? A needo gumdrop. And it's got to be the textured ones. Because I went over to Drew's house. We had a little cousin's sleepover recently

and she had one of those needo gumdrop. and I was going to work on that thing. I was really giving it a handy. I was giving that thing a free H.J. Okay? And I was having a blast. Something that's on my heart today to speak to you guys about is this concoction sitting in front of me. I made gobbledygook for breakfast.

I don't really know. Like, if you could see the sort of chunky quality to this, and I made it last night. So I don't even really remember what I put in it Because I was in a fog I was cleaning the kitchen and doing all this shit I'm leaving for a trip today And so I was cleaning out the fridge And I was like making dinner

And I was like I should make a smoothie for the morning I just started adding shit It doesn't taste bad But holy shit It's gray Gobbledygook Okay, I made a potion Sometimes

Sometimes you have to put on your big girl panties Throw your hair up in a bun What is that fucking quote? Put on some gangster rap and handle it. Who the fuck made that tweet, first of all, and second of all, when it makes it to Etsy and it's on mugs and it's like a print you can print out and hang on your wall, that's when it's like, okay. Okay, guys, maybe let's sort of reassess what we're doing here. Throw your hair up in a bun and handle it. A messy bun.

I throw my hair up in a messy bun and run downstairs to have my breakfast of orange juice when my mother tells me she sold me to one direction. What a crazy fan. Here's the thing about modern cinema and literature today. I have yet to see the innovation, the creativity, the originality that was packaged in to a 135 chapter wattpad. One Direction fan fiction. The ingenuity.

Is that the word I'm thinking of? The in... Inventive... Inventive. The inventive nature and quality to some of those stories. Make fun of them as you may. It's great storytelling.

What do you mean your mother sold you to one direction? And why was I reading this like, Bless her heart. This is going to be horrible, but it's not. Sold her to one direction. Okay, sure. And for those that don't know, that was a famous fan fiction that went around in like 20,

what was that, 2012, 2013 of on Wattpad of like this quintessential Wapad girl. I've talked about this so many times. I've like, she's rail thin, ghostly pale, like the most long, gorgeous, healthy hair you could ever imagine, and she's effortlessly gorgeous and beautiful. She just wears her dirty fucking sneakers and her, like, skidmark stained underwear, and she throws her hair up in a messy bun, and she, like, she gets to it. She handles it. Say it with me, she threw her hair up in a messy bun, and she handled it.

You have as many hours in the day as Beyonce. I just realized, look, puffy as fuck in the case. because I just woke up, if you can't tell. I just slammed this shit. And let me tell you something, okay? Red Bull, I love you. And I'm really not supposed to be drinking Red Bull right now post-surgery, but I have a problem. I'm not loving this flavor.

This flavor tastes like perfume. Wild berries. This, the pink edition, wild boobies. I don't really know. This lesbian drink, I don't know. I drank the pink edition Red Bull, wild boobies flavor, and it. me gay. Happy pride. Anyway, I'm not loving that flavor. Like, I chugged it because, of course, I did. And it tasted like I had sprayed perfume in my mouth. Like, it wanted to be good.

It wanted to be delicious, but I did not let it. My taste by it did not let it. But speaking of that, I am not a cilantro girl. Okay, I don't know. Some of you bitches are on my team or on my side with this. I want to like cilantro. I want to be a girl that's like on my taco, on my cevice, on my fucking whatever. Throw as much cilantro as you can in there. I'm not that girl. I'm just not that girl. And it makes me feel bad about myself. Because I got the gene. It's not even a soap gene. I just don't like it. And you know what? They put a cilantro in a lot of Thai food or Vietnamese food. And it just ruins it for me. I'm like, this would have been a perfect meal if it didn't have cilantro. It literally, it ruins my whole day when one of the dishes I'm eating has

cilantro in it because I can't, I don't enjoy the flavor. Maybe it is the gene. Also, going back to that, the 23 and me thing I did. Yeah, I know they're going to like sell my information to fucking whoever. I don't know. I'm going to delete my account. Don't yell at me. Anyway, I did 23 and me and you know, you can go through your traits. It'll take you through your traits. And I got to put my sunglasses on. It's just a little bit. It's a little bit too much in here. And my son's glass lenses are all clouded up because my hair is greasy. So I don't, you guys need to fucking keep to yourselves. Repeat after me. Throw your hair up in a messy bun and fucking mind your business. That's Bro Ski Nation's motto. Mind your business. Shut the hell up. Sit down. Hands where I can see

them. You have a right to representation. Anything you say can and will be used against you. That's the Roski Nation mantra. All right. What the fuck was I talking about? What was I talking about? Oh, I did the 23 and me and it is crazy how, I mean, it's not entirely accurate, right? It's kind of like astrology. You kind of pick and choose what applies, but it is crazy. I would say an overwhelming percentage above what I anticipated is true for me. Like, you can go through and be like, you probably have thin hair, yes. You probably, uh, you probably, uh, have the anti-s cilantro gene, yes. Actually, let me go through, I'm going to go through and read them.

Well, one more time. One more time, gonna set him. You know what movie I think of for that song? Hotel Transylvania. Hotel Transylvania. Hotel Transylvania reboot the musical on Broadway, The Squeakle starring the dolls. And then the poster is, we put the trans and Transylvania. Alex Kanzani is Dracula.

You see where I'm headed with this. Okay, smash hit. I'll write the musical. We'll get Lin-Manuel Miranda to write the music. Boom. It's the next six on Broadway. Y'all don't fucking see my vision. Okay.

It's crazy what is on here, because how would any of this ever be linked to jeans? Put your body on my jeans. ability to match musical pitch. About a 50-50 chance of being able to match a musical pitch. I can match a musical pitch. Asparagus odor detection likely can smell. Yes, and it makes my piss smell crazy. And I don't think that's just a me thing.

I don't think that's just a Britney thing. I think if you're munching on asparagus, your piss is going to smell nuclear. Bitter taste likely can't taste. That's not true. Bunions, less likely than average, to have a bunion. and take that to the fucking bank. I'm bunyanless. But however, if I would have been a ballerina,

would I have been the greatest ballerina ever because I'm not prone to bunions? Cilantro taste aversion. Slightly higher odds of disliking cilantro. This is literally a trait on here. Fear of public speaking. Less likely to have a fear of public speaking. And, period.

Because I have the opposite. of a fear of public speaking. I yearn to speak to the public. I yearn to deliver a message to the masses. That ultimately is a message of joy and laughter. That's sort of my purpose and my mission and my mission statement and goal. Flat feet.

Less likely than average to have flat feet. I've got a crazy arch in my foot to the point where I walk on the outsides of my feet sometimes. Every pair of converse I've ever had, the outside is more worn down than the inside. I don't know why I walk like that. hair thickness less likely to have thick hair. Reed, that was a read, and it's rude.

Ice cream flavor preference. Like, what the fuck? How do you bitches fucking test this? More likely to prefer chocolate over vanilla ice cream. That is true. You ran my spit through a machine and it was like, she fucking loves a Rocky Road. No, she loves a Rocky Road, but not with the nuts in it.

She likes the marshmallow in the Rocky Road. So let's do a rendition here without the nuts. And I know that's not really a Rocky Road anymore, but just hear me out. It'll be sort of like the Fallon flavor for Ben and Jerry's, how Jamie Fallon got his own flavor. Crazy, by the way. And Britney Broskey's flavor will be Rocky Road, but no nuts. It's a nut-free zone. Mosquito bite frequency, likely bitten more often than others.

Yeah. Every single summer growing up in Texas, I was riddled with mosquito bites. And some of my friends, they wouldn't even be touched. And we would always joke because I go, I've got sweet blood. It's because I'm so sweet. No, girl, it's because my ancestry had predetermined the sickly sweetness of my blood. My Irish ancestors were getting bitten up.

That's why. Motion sickness, more likely to experience motion sickness. I don't really get motion sick. So you're a fucking liar. Photic sneeze reflex. Okay, I'm going to Google this, but here's my prediction of what it means. Sometimes when you're exposed to bright light or sunlight rapidly, it makes you sneeze.

Fodic. Okay? Let's, let's Google it. Fodic sneeze reflex. The photic sneeze reflex, also known as Achooze syndrome, is a condition where bright light triggers sneezing. I have this. At! Why looking at the seas? What the fuck?

It affects an estimated 18 to 35% of the population. While not fully understood, it is believed to be a genetic trait. Some theories suggesting a connection between the nervous system and the eyes. Holy shit. While sunlight is the most common trigger, other sources of bright light, like camera flashes or certain types of lighting, can also cause sneezing. it. The exact mechanism behind the reflex is still not fully understood, but some theories involve a connection between the eyes, nervous system, and the nasal passages. How crazy is that? And I think my papa has this too. Have you ever heard of a chew syndrome? What the fuck? Is Google lying to me?

This is about to be the Google episode, by the way. I have so much to get to. Sweet versus Salty, likely prefer salty. True. Wake up time. Likely to wake up around 8.57 a.m. You're fucking lying. I'm like, if I wake up on my own, undisturbed, no alarms, dark, cold room, brown noise playing in the background, I'm waking up at noon. No earlier, no later. I'm waking up at noon. Because guess what? I went to bed at 4 a.m. So I'm getting a good night's sleep, but I had gone to bed at 4 a.m. My ideal, I think I've, I've touched on this before of like night owls. Where are my night owls?

Raise your hands. Okay, put them down. Okay, raise them again. Okay, put them down. My night owls, I truly believe that it's a mindset of a night owl to find a bit of, is recuse the word I'm thinking of recuse? Okay, that's actually not what I'm thinking of. Sam. Recuse is to challenge a judge, a prosecutor, or juror as unqualified. Oh, he recused himself. You've been recused. To perform legal duties because of a potential conflict of interest or lack of impartiality. A judge excusing oneself from a case. The Justice Department demanded that he recuse himself from the case. I'm thinking recluse. A person who lives a solitary, recluse. A person who lives a solitary, recluse, a person who lives a solitary,

life and tends to avoid other people. I guess there is a bit of, I have a reclusive nature because I really enjoy my solitude. I enjoy being alone. However, of course I love being with my friends, but the older I get, I know this is just kind of a natural thing that happens, but my social battery is waning very quickly. And it really takes a lot for me to build myself up, because I spend a lot of time alone, traveling, working, doing whatever. But also my job is incredibly collaborative, but a lot of it's over Zoom. So I spend a lot of time alone in my house, and I like being at my house. But there is a certain level of accessibility when you work from your house, right?

Like you have to be on and accessible and on the phone all day. And if someone texts you, you have to respond. At night, that goes away. Everyone's asleep. And so when I'm awake, it's peace. and I can do whatever I want. I don't feel like I'm, it's like the twilight zone around that time where no one's bothering me. It feels like I'm the only person on earth and I can do the things I want to do without feeling

guilty that I'm not doing other things. You know, that I'm not strategizing my business or working on future plans or writing music or writing episodes or brainstorming things. Like, that's my work. And while my work is creative, there are other sides to being a creative that really shouldn't overlap. You get what I'm saying? Like, there are some creative things that are just for you. And then there are some that you choose and you should share with the world.

But there are certain things at night where I want to like try something or create something or just be unreachable. And that's why I stay up late. like that because I can do whatever I want is what it feels like and then I pay for it the next day and I think that it's it's kind of touching on a larger thing of I don't build in free time for myself so I have to create it sometimes at my own detriment like in theory on the weekends I should be able to do whatever I want and no one bother me but I don't get all my work done during the week so I have to work on the weekend sometimes I usually film grocery reports on Sundays So it's a difficult, but I've always been that way.

I mean, even when I was in middle school, high school, I was staying up until 4 a.m. doing whatever I wanted. And then I would wake up at 6.30 and just I was running on fumes, but I was doing it because I was a gifted and talented student and I was running myself ragged because I needed to be validated for my intelligence, for my intelligence and my endurance. It's nuts.

I was doing all that in high school and like not sleeping. and I was doing all AP classes. I was working a job. I was doing theater. I was doing a mock trial. I was doing all this shit. It's just crazy because I look back and I'm like, where did that energy come from?

Because now I have to chug perfume Red Bull and do a fucking enema to like stay awake for four hours. I think that's to do with my diet too. And I just don't sleep at night. Anyway, I feel fine. I'm okay. Anyway, during the weekends, that should be the time to just like for 48.

hours, I can do whatever I want. But I don't know, I'm not really a creature of the sun. I see the sun, you see my pale skin. It's, ah, it sizzles me. I sat outside the other day. I even put sunscreen on. I sat outside in my little chair and I read my book for 35 minutes. I got a sunburn. Like, I have to do SPF 100. I'm not joking. I sprayed that SPF 30 on me. I might as well sprayed water on myself. I might as well have put cooking oil on. I'm so fucking pale. But you know what? It's, there is nothing wrong with being overprotective for your skin, sitting in the sunlight. Like my, my poor, translucent, thin, vampiric, vainy skin,

it can't last in the sunlight. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance, Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and Save Hundreds, because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit Progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all.

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I got to wear big hats and I got to wear sun shirts and I got to wear I went to the river with Taylor like two years ago and they made fun of me because we stopped at Bucky's beforehand, okay? We stopped at Buckees because if y'all know Buckees has anything you could ever need. If you've ever been on a road trip through the South, it's a grocery store, it's a convenience store, it's homemade wares, it's clothing, it's fishing gear, it's hunting gear, it's whatever. It's just the most southern fucking store. And we went to one of the big ones. I don't know if it was in Bastrop or wherever. We went to one of the like landmark stores. And because we were going to the river, I was like, I'll just get something at Buckees because I knew that Big Whitey was going to get sunburned.

I fucking knew it. And it's, I hate being sunburned. It's miserable. I'm in pain. I swell up. Don't touch me. Don't look at me. I'm in pain, right?

I can't even laugh and joke and cackle and mumble because I'm in pain. And it's like, I've got to have other. other people smear aloeira on me. I feel helpless. So I was like, I'm not going to do that this time. We're going to be on the river. And this is the most redneck shit that we do. You get a bunch of tubes.

Anyone from the South, you know about this. You get a bunch of tubes and you tie them together. So you're all floating together as one. And in the very middle of this tube circle is the cooler. Okay, the cooler gets its own tube. And we get the tubes with the, there's a bottle. a minute. Because they have the ones where you know, you can do it like this and you can float in it with your body in the water. But these are the ones where you lean back like this and there's a bottom

to it. Because the river gets kind of rocky sometimes. You don't want to scratch up your butthole or have something swim into your butthole. That wouldn't be fine. And so we put the cooler in the middle with a trash bag. They give you these little trash bags to put your cans and your whatever in, where the place you rent your tubes from. And so you do that, you tie everyone together. and that way someone's on cooler duty. So it's like pass me a claw, pass me a whatever, a high noon, a, you know, whatever, whatever we're drinking.

Oh, Taylor loves a Michael, a Michelotta. She loves a Miklob Ultra. Taylor's drink of choice, my bestie Tato. Her drink of choice is a, what does she call him, red draw? It's just tomato juice and beer, which I think it's the white people version of a Michelada. which Amichelada has like the seasoning and the tahina around the rim and lime juice and whatever, and it's beer.

But it's like the white people versions just kind of V8 and beer. And so someone's on cooler duty, you know, passing out, whatever. And I opted for, I think the last time we went, I was actually doing, I know I was doing white claws. And you get your own little coozy. It is just so much fucking fun. And then we have a little waterproof speaker. and then we DJ that way. And it's just a freaking blast.

And sometimes the river gets faster, and you've got to hold on, whoa, all the tubes are doing this. And sometimes it slows down to a trickle, and the tubes get stuck. Because the water's so shallow, and you get lodged on a rock. And so you have to either scoot, and everyone has to scoot, or everyone has to get up, and we have to drag it. And sometimes there's rapids, and it gets scary.

But we don't really do that. The last time we were on the river, too, I was getting recognized. So imagine me. Imagine me, okay? Oh, I didn't even finish the story. We went tubing and I bought me a sunshirt. I bought me two sun shirts.

And we went into the men's fishing section at Buckees. Because I was like, I need me a sunshirt. And we went over there. And of course I got like a 6xL. And I got one that was patterned like water. It was patterned like sunlight rippling on the water. It was blue with a water pattern. And of course, Taylor made fun of me.

Fuck you. And then I got another one that was a Texas A&M one. And that one was a deep maroon, and I knew I was going to be hot in it. So I never got around to wearing that one. So I wore my fucking blue moisture wicking sunshirt. I didn't get sunburnt because you bitches are laughing, but I didn't get sunburn. So who's the real genius? I wore that over my swimsuit.

So it looked like it is a big oversized top. Like I looked like Ariana Grande in the water. I'll put up a photo right here. Tell me I don't look like Ariana Grande. This is basically Ariana Grande, if you think about it. I was doing, I give you all I am. With her, my legs, I'll like that in the tube. You remember Moonlight?

I was addicted to that song! And then she got the tattoo of the moon! I'm such an orionator. Okay, so I did that, and then I had my straw hat, and then I had my glasses, I looked like somebody's fucking dad. I always look like my dad, but in this instance, I looked like somebody's dad. And this was back when I had that bleached blonde hair, and it was about 40 inches of weave.

And I did that on the fucking river! Sometimes you have to go through intense periods of self-discovery to land on something that you are intensely comfortable with. Okay? And I think that this is a perfect example of that. What the fuck was I doing? I was trying to figure out who I was. Amen. Can everyone say amen?

I was very, very furiously trying to dive into what fits my aesthetic. What is my aesthetic? Who am I? What do I like? What do I want to exhibit and show to the world? And this was, I think, deep in my country era. I was doing redneck. And that's fine. Because ultimately, at my core, I am a redneck. And that's fine. And there's a very true reality to that because my neck was red. Because I'd burn. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, on the river. I was getting recognized. What? We were on the...

What river did we go to? The one in Fredericksburg. Nacadoches? What's the one in Nacadotius? That's not the Frio. What river is in Nagadocious, Texas? The Angelina River? No.

No, it wasn't Nagodotius. Where were we? What the hell? What the hell? What the hellie? What the hellie, Barry? What the hellie, Auntie? What river?

I couldn't even tell you. I don't even know what to fucking look up. Anyway, we're on the river. We're all tied together. It's probably eight or nine of us, maybe ten of us. And we're all tied together with the cooler in the middle. And here's something else I'll just be, I'll speak my truth about. When you're in that tube and you're about six to seven white claws deep the way that I was, okay?

You're pissing the tube. you're making boo-boo in the tube. And there's nothing that is inherently wrong there, other than maybe some environmental concerns. Because whatever's coming out of my system, that's not. You shouldn't be swimming in that. No one should be swimming around in that. But ultimately, we are, because that's the river.

And I live to tell the tale, I didn't even get a UTI. I didn't even get a UTI. And that's a badge of honor. So we're on the river. I'm pissing the tube. We're going over, whoa, going over rapids, okay? It's swishing the piss out of my tooth. And I'm about five or six white claws deep.

That was the day I learned six white claws is enough for me to blackout. My blackout point, six. And they weren't even tall boys. They were just normal WCs. And my poison of choice is mango. I'll do mango. My ranking is watermelon, actually. Mango.

strawberry. I like strawberry. And if nothing else, I'll do a lime. I'll do lime. I don't like any other flavor. I don't like cherry. I don't like raspberry. I don't like orange. I don't like any of that bullshit. I'll do a lemon. Okay? If there's not lime, I'll do lemon. That's my ranking. And if you don't have any of those, I'd rather just not drink, truly. I can't really drink anymore because my fucking gallbladder. Every doctor I've talked to, they're like, no alcohol. I don't like, okay, but what is me. Right? If I'm doing six white cloths, can I have like four? Like, no drinking. Your liver is gonna burst. Okay, who fucking asked you? And who are you? Oh, you're my GI doctor? Oh, oh, you're the one who did the surgery on my necrotic gallows. Oh, okay. Okay, maybe you know what

you're talking about. Anyway, this is back when I was, you know, I was doing it. Six white claws. That'll do it. So imagine me six white claws deep, having the time of my life. Piss in the tube, gibbon and gabbing with my bestie. I'm giggling and laughing. Oh, the laughter we had. We're listening to Tim McGraw and fucking beer for my horses. We're listening to Charlie XXX. That playlist is always such a...

Because our friend group is gay, of course. So it's all gay music mixed in with, like, me and Taylor's weird country. So it'll be like, three states, five potty girl. French manicure, wipe away to residue, Nia p'yop, nop, nip, nip, nia, that'll be, I was toting my pack along a dusty Amarillo Road.

And then everyone's like, skip it. Me and Taylor are singing, oh, it's so fun. Copperhead Road on the, on the river. I miss Texas. I miss Texas. Anyway, six white claws deep. We're on the river. We're floating, floating, floating.

Having a good time. I get recognized. Someone yells out. Brady Bros. I'm horrified, right? Because you're seeing me at my most vulnerable state. That is, I might as well have been naked. I might as well have been floating around naked.

Brandy brusk! I look around. There's a tube of girls across the river. How they saw me in my fucking middle-aged dad cosplay, I don't know. Maybe it was the 40-inch weave. A brand-day! They start waving at me. One of them swims over.

Oh, not now. I just pissed all over this tube. Do not come over here! I'm like, don't come closer! They're like, she's a bitch, she wouldn't take a photo with us. No, mama, there's a turd floating over here, and I just pissed the tube again. As for your own sake, okay? And I'm about to vomit in this tube.

Don't, do not come over here. They swam over. I'm such a big fan, whatever, and they have this, you know, those waterproof bags. You can put your phone in. phone in. She swam over and she was real sweet. She was like, I watch all your videos. I'm so, is this Taylor? And we're like, yeah. She was like, I just love you guys. She said, can I get a picture? And I was like, I'm literally like this. My guts hanging out. I'm hot, piss all on me. And I go, if we don't, just because, you know, like, I'm clearly blackout. Like, I'm teetering

on. I'm not really here mentally right now. And I said, no. And I explained why I was like, I am very drunk and I'm just feeling like I don't really want to document this moment and I'm sorry for anything I might have or will say. And she started laughing. She's like, that is totally fine. I saw y'all having fun and whatever, splash or whatever. I'll leave you guys too. And y'all have a good day. And I was like, this is what we hope and pray for, right? Community, respect, love. Shared joy, impact, friendship, laughter, white claw, piss, asparagus piss, Charlie X-X, Lord, that's all you can hope for. Maybe occasionally Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, Brad Paisley. I used to fucking love Brad Paisley when I was in fourth grade. Oh my God, there was this song, this isn't a Brad Paisley song, but oh, oh, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

He has a song with Dolly Parton called When I Get Where I'm Going Oh, dude, go listen to that song When I get where I'm going, Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton. It's about dying, it's about reconnecting with your loved ones. And of course, it's got some Christian undertones, but oh, that song still makes me cry, I don't know why. When I was in fourth, fifth grade, I was like,

this might be the best song ever written. He's also got another song called Mud on the Tires. because it's a good night to be out here song can up the moonlight great song there was this song I was obsessed with not by Brad Paisley

I forget who it's by who sings it Dirk's Bentley and it's called it's called trying to stop your leaving it is fantastic there's another song called

Watching Airplanes I don't remember Who sings that? But all of these are breakup songs. But just me as a 10-year-old, I was like, this is so fucking me. This is me. They wrote this song for me, with me and mine.

I'm 10. I'm playing Webkins and watching Hannah Montana. I'm like, God, trying to stop you're leaving. And I couldn't. Okay? Got a guitar on my back. And I'm standing on this lonesome railroad track. Anyway.

Yeah. God, take me back. Get me back to God's country. The river. Pissing in the river. Okay, let's move on. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so you're

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Max $100 cash back per month. Requires $500 plus in direct deposits. Terms at Venmo.me. Forward slash stash terms. Venmo checkout not available at all merchants. I've been obsessed with this dude on TikTok. For no reason. He's just my hyperfixation.

When I take it out of all, I'm like, got to watch this guy. What's his name? Buy the Water. That's his username. I don't know his government name, but I really enjoy his videos. He does, he's like a seafood enthusiast. Do I love seafood? No.

I'm not, I'm sort of a, a land animal enthusiast. I love chicken, I love turkey. There are some types of seafood I like. I like tuna. I like spicy tuna and smoke salmon. But even then, sometimes with salmon, I'm like, so he does usually crabs and oysters,

and he'll review this bullshit here or there, whatever, different restaurants canned, whatever. Or he'll cook it. I came across his series of videos where he does tinned fish reviews. I'm new to the tinned fish game. I'm not familiar with the tinned fish game. Okay, I recently bought, you know that it went viral.

Fishwife. Fishwife canned fucking whatever, and it's $100. I don't know. It's so expensive for no reason. But it's because the packaging is cute. And you really don't get that much fish for what you're paying for. But I tried the fishwife. It's like salmon with Sejuan chili crisp.

It was delicious. me and Annabel, one of my writers, we got very high, and we just went to town on this can. Because we're both, Annabelle's a very picky eater. I'm not really a picky eater, but I know what I like and I know what I don't like. I'm willing to try stuff. And so I bought it, I was like, let's go try this, this John. And so we went into the kitchen, and it was one of those, like, high eating episodes where the fridge door was open. And we were, like, crouched over the fridge door, like swapping the can back and forth.

eating it with a toothpick. That shit was so... No, with chopsticks. We were eating it with chopsticks. That shit was so good. And it opened me up to a world of canned fish. And so that was only one I had tried from that line. This dude, my guy, by the water,

he's going to do a whole review. He does reviews of this. This brand of tin fish has become very popular, and I'm going to try every single one from the sampler pack and rate it from one to seven. Now the ones we're going to try today are the smoked rainbow trout. We're also going to do the sardines with preserved lemons, sardines and hot pepper sauce, and I think this one is probably going to be one of my favorites.

We got the anchovy. I've had anchovy before, and I didn't like them that much on their own, but I'm curious to see how these ones taste. Anchovies taste like. Antchovies taste like. I just thought of something nasty. and my mouth started to water like I was going to vomit. Antovies taste like what I think a urinal smells like.

Antovies are so fucking gross. I don't know how you bitches eat them. And anchovies usually have like the bone in it, right? And the bone and the eyeball and the this and the that and the fucking scrotum and the butthole of the fish. I don't want to eat the fish scrotum. I don't want to do that. I don't care if it makes a great Caesar salad dressing.

Don't. Just joke. I literally just show up thinking about it. I fucking hate anchovies. Okay, back to it. We have some albuquer tuna in just some Spanish with some Spanish lemon. And then albuquer tuna in some olive oil as well. I also have the Seshwant chili crisp salmon that I'm going to try as well.

Now, I'm going to start with the anchovies because I've had history of the anchovies before. Then I didn't really like them too much. Now, the opinions out there are divided. whether or not Fishwife is actually a good product or if it's just a really cool looking product. I mean, I do agree that their art is beautiful. So I'm curious to see if these anchovies are better than other anchovies I've had. This is my favorite kind of content. Cans are a little stiff, a little harder to open than I've had with other ones.

I don't know if that's a good thing or what. Be careful with these because you can definitely, we could see yourself cutting yourself pretty easily with these. And you see the tendon really open up as easy as like other anchovies I've had. looking at the anchovies themselves, they do appear to be bigger than other anchovies a hat. See, I'm still struggling to get that. Imagine me high out of my fucking mind watching his account for two hours. Two hours of my night.

Me complaining earlier like, I don't have time for myself. I'm busy all the time. I get away to me high at 6 p.m. on a Wednesday night doing this. I'm like, why don't I ever have time for myself? Because I always have time for myself. Because I neglect my business obligations to watch By the Water Review canned tin fish. Anyway, he eats these crazy. Watch how he eats them.

Not too anchovy of a smell. Just a normal kind of fresh fish smell. They're definitely bigger than the other ones I've had before. Okay, here's our first one. Really salty as expected. I mean, they're anchovies. But what I will say is they have the texture down. So I compare to other anchovies that were like,

hard but at the same time mushy these are firm but they also have like some tenderness to instead of mushyness if you're a connoisseur of eclectic foods like this by the water is your guy he's your guy and he gives very this screenshot's crazy sorry he gives very detailed reviews which i appreciate but here's the thing right i talked about this with perfume. If you're taking recommendations or advice from someone who is a self-proclaimed expert or lover of that thing, you've got to make sure your tastes overlap. Because I was good recommendations from this guy I follow on TikTok for perfumes, and we don't have the same taste. So he was like, the top-five fragrance is you need in your collection. I smelled some of them at

Sephora or wherever the fuck in an airport wherever I am. Horrible. Just the most sickly, sweet, nasty, Like, imagine wearing vanilla cake, marshmallow, Bombay, Bonbon, Macaron perfume in a hundred-degree heat. I'm going to fucking vomit and then kill you. Because you recommended me that bullshit. Like, there's a wearability to some, especially when you're selling it as, like, the fragrance of the summer, top five summer perfumes. And it's just marshmallow. I'm also almost 30. I can't go around smelling like a marshmallow.

That's just me. That's my personal purpose. That's my whatever. But yeah, when I realized that, I was like, I really like the way he describes fragrances, but we don't have the same taste. So I can't really take what he says to the bank. You know what I mean? And cash it. This guy, I think he likes fishy seafood. So because of that reason, I don't know if I can take his recommendations. But I will say, he ends up liking that smoked salmon with Seshwan Chili Crisp from Fish Wife. I liked it too.

I liked it too There's another one from that company I think I tried just the normal salmon I did not like it because it was you don't get enough and it also wasn't that good

so I don't know I think he clearly likes the saltiness I like the saltiness but he likes the sort of fishy he loves oysters hey brother we're not the same we're not the same but I will say when I see some of them

dress up them oysters with the lemon juice and the tabasca and the this and the that. And sometimes there's, what else they put on them? Different types of hot sauce. And I see them, you know, and they suck it back. I'm like, there's no fucking way you are doing that

and you're like, yeah, this texture is awesome. Oh, this texture is exactly what needs to be in my mouth. This texture needs to sit lightly on my tongue. Actually, there's a reason that they eat them so damn fast. How does the body process? How does the body process oysters? How does the human body, bro? How does the human body process oysters?

The human body process... Do you chew oysters? Do you chew oysters? What? Oysters should be... Yes, oysters should be chewed. Ew, my fucking gag! Not swallowed whole.

Chewing allows you to savor the full flavor profile of the oyster, including the briny oyster liqueur. Oyster liquor that enhances the taste. What the fuck is oyster liquor? I was making some Britney liquor in that tube in the river. Let me take something. And nobody wants to taste Britney liquor. Chewing releases the full flavor of the oyster.

taking time to chew allows you to fully appreciate the delicate taste and it allows you to release the salty, briny liquid within the shell. What? What is the rule for eating oysters? Enjoy them while they are fresh and kept cold on ice and are safe. The R-month rule, September through April. What? Is a food tradition.

Modern oyster farming practices and refrigeration. make oysters safe to eat year-round if sourced from reputable vendors. It's also recommended to enjoy oysters with a small fork to ensure they are detached from the shell before slurping them from the wide end. An oyster shooter? Can one person eat a dozen oysters? Most experts recommend eating no more than a dozen oysters a day.

They're a great source of vitamins and minerals like zinc, but even those nutrients are important to have in moderation. Who was the first person to be like, Clam shell, I need to suck on it? What if I put it in my mouth and suck on it and lick around and suck the juice and put hot sauce and lemon and like just digging around in the sand like, hmm, dinner. Oysters.

That is a bug. Are oysters fish bugs? Are oysters mollusks? Oh, yes, oysters are mollusk. Oh, wow. Specifically, bivalve mollusks. They're a type of shellfish that have a two-part hinged shell. Mollusks are a large group of invertebrate animals, known for their soft bodies, and in many cases, protective shells.

Clams, muscles, scallops. I don't like any of that shit. Scallops, I will say, if a scallop is in a seafood dish that I'm eating, I'll buy into one. and it's tender or whatever, but usually it's not good. So I push it off to the side. One of the only seafoods that I do enjoy, sometimes I'll get a craving for it, is shrimp. Sometimes I need like a barbecued shrimp, a shrimp with honey garlic, a shrimp with lemon garlic, a shrimp with cocktail sauce, a shrimp in a gumbo.

A shrimp in a gumbo? I'd rather have crawfish, though. Sometimes, you know, it's like, if it makes sense, whenever I'm in Spain, I'm like, oh, when in Spain got to do paella, the paella they make along the coast of Spain is fucking crazy. To me, right? Because I don't like seafood. I don't love seafood. But if you're a seafood enthusiast, get to Barcelona now. You got to get to Barcelona now.

They served us this paella That I ordered I ordered it Okay, and they just gave me what I ordered At this like shitty touristy restaurant along the beach We were like, oh in the beach, let's go eat them, whatever And it was for real like They grabbed a shrimp by the hand Out of the ocean, yanked it out of the ocean

Threw it on the grill and then served it to me It still had eyes, it still had antennas, It still had legs, It was like a krill. It looked like a krill. And then they just, wham! In that tomato sauce and rice. And I said, oh, I'm stuffed.

I, no, no, no, it was delicious. I was just stuffed. I just don't like seafood. If you served a chicken to me with the beak still on it, I wouldn't need it either. You know what I mean? I'm a baby. I have to have a grown man or woman or non-binary person

prep my meat for me because I'm a, baby child. You give it to me with a baby. I don't want it. It's so hard to meet your protein goals without eating meat and not doing supplements. Like, I have to do supplements. Otherwise, I'll wither away. Anyway, I will say this, super, like, duper respect for anyone who can shuck an oyster

and swallow them bitches down. If you're going to a restaurant and ordering a dozen oysters, three dozen oysters for yourself, I see that and I see you in an adult bib, and I say respect. Respect, because I know what you're doing. I respect what you're doing over there. I just don't want a part in it. Like, you're about to put in some work.

You're about to go crazy on it, and you're going to prep it with the lemon juice and do all this. Anthony Bourdain loved oysters. I get it, okay? It's a cultural thing. for the oyster-loving community. Don't bring that shit around me, because I'll start to gag.

I'll start to gag. Anyway, oyster versus clam. Oysters have rough, bumpy shells and a bold, salty, briny flavor, and often enjoyed raw. Clams have smoother textured shells, milder flavor, usually cooked. Raw is nuts.

Okay, I need to talk to you guys about my Songs of the Week. It's time. My songs of the week, there are going to be two by Fontaine's D.C., which, by the way, I saw Arctic Monkeys

in 2020 2003, September 2020 saw Arctic Monkeys with Tato in Dallas, or in Fort Worth, and Fontaine's D.C. opened for them.

And I remember thinking, who the fuck are these guys? Where's Alex Turner? Because we were so excited. And we showed up early. We were like, we had great seats. And then they played, and I was kind of like, you know, and I got to say, you're business, this, blah.

And they're like, cool guys. You know, they're cool guys. I didn't know their lore. And so they came on shuffle recently, and I was like, why does this sound familiar? And I was telling Taylor, I was like, I mean, listen to this band, Fontaine's DC, and she was like, yeah, they opened for Archie Monkeys. And I was like, oh, that's right. What a seal of approval of, like, this.

I mean, they're Irish, right? Fontaine's D.C. is Irish. But Archie Monkeys are such a rock band. What a seal of approval to open for someone as iconic as the Arctic Monkeys. Fontaine's DC, they're from Dublin. Irish post-punk band. And if any of you guys in Fontaine's DC want me, go ahead and just reach out to that business email because I'm around. My songs are

Boys in the Better Lands and Starburster. I love those songs and they're on repeat and I get in this flow when I'm cleaning the kitchen or I'm like cleaning my room and putting my clothes away

and I'm just like I don't know it gets to be hyped up and I'm kind of like about to tweak you know what I'm like And I start beating my chest and I start like jumping on the bed and like climbing, climbing my furniture. That's how it makes me feel. Okay, Fontaine's DC.

Another one I've been listed to a lot recently is Witch Witch by Florence and the Machine. I found this playlist on Spotify called Florence and the Machine's witchiest songs. And it's like, Witch Witch, Seven Devils, Rabbit Hearts. What else is on there? Oh, Dream Girl Evil, Big God, Jenny of Old Stones, which is the Game of Thrones song, Bedroom Hems, Heavy in Your Arms, What the Water Gave Me. It's just a great little playlist.

So I found that. Those have kind of been it, just those three. I've really been, it's either like I'm doing witch, or I'm doing, I don't hit your business. What are the lyrics of that song? I'm going to hit you. Your business if it's momentary blessings. Let's look up this genius, actually.

I need to read these lyrics. I want to see you alone. I want to sharp the stone. I want to bounce the bone. I want to mess with it. I want to lay the devil, the whole crew on the sill. I want the preacher and pill. I want to bless with it.

I want to head to a mass and get cast in it. That shit's funnier than any A-class in it. I want to talk with the clown who has apologies down, him 300 pound to take a class in it. I want to bite the phone. I want to bleed the tone. I want to see you alone, alone, alone, loan. I want to straight the shark and find me somewhere to park. Like the light when it's dark, it's dark. A few stars about make it feel like peace in a way, a complementary round. Constellation got a twist in it for a GPO and all the hits in it. I'm going to hit your business if it's momentary blissness. Okay, this is for

from the genius, I guess this is just fans sort of speculating. The gasps heard at the end of each line refer to the gasps or quick breaths of someone experiencing a panic attack and expressed the story of a panic attack that Grain Chatton had in the London tube station which inspired the song. Whoa. I want to talk with a gag if it's a bottle or bag. I want to strike with the sag. I need the friends from it.

I want a shot in the dark. I want to make the mark. I want to live the ark. I call the ends on it. I want to... I love them. I want to take the truth without a lens on it. My God-given insanity.

It depends on it. How I feel, how I feel, I want to kneel. I want to keel. Over harder than a turned-up challenger. Do you inspire like the same did Salinger? I'm the pig on the Chinese calendar. I got a shadow like a 58 caliber. I want to move like a new salamander.

I love the carrion, who's a real. scavenger. It's moral tyranny keeping me from thee. Hit me for the day for the light that you suffered to come by, take to my sky. He's crazy. They're fucking, they're so, period. I want to know there. I need to like, actually, next episode, I'm going to be fully tapped into this, so just know I will return to this. And any Fontaine's DC girls or people in the comments, let me know where to start and what the basis of the lore is, because I'm about to dive in head first. Because they've just come on shuffle, and I'm like, I like this, I like this.

I think that'll pretty much do it for me, guys. I don't know what the fuck I talked about on this episode. What do I ever? I don't know what I ever talk about, but thanks for listening. I appreciate it. There is about to be a royal court that's going to come out in the next month or so that is so horny. It is so incredibly horny. I'm, I think I'm a changed woman. Like, I think it really impacted me in a way that is, um, I'm going to be unpacking it for a while. So, be on the lookout for that. We've got a bunch of exciting Royal Courts coming out. Um, something very exciting coming out at the end of this month, the end of May. All right, if you guys want merch, go to brosky. Shop. You know the drill,

Brosky Report, and Moos. Love you guys to goddamn death. Be good, be safe, make good choices. Okay, bye-bye. I'm U.S. Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy. The sound of a seatbelt. It's one of the most important sounds in our car. It means

everyone is ready and everyone is safe. The more our kids see us put on our seatbelts, the more natural it is for them to put theirs on two. Make it a priority. buckle up every time. Hear the sound? Make it a habit.

Paid for by NHTSA. Struggling to see up close, make it visible with Viz. Viz is a once daily prescription eye drop to treat blurry near vision for up to 10 hours. The most common side effects that may be experienced while using Viz include eye irritation, temporary dimmer dark vision, headaches and eye redness. Talk to an eye doctor to learn if Viz is right for you. Learn more at Viz.com. On this episode of Plant Killers, we'll explore One Nation's most notorious fruit and vegetable killer, bad dirt. What makes bad dirt so bad?

The answer? The ingredients. But fear not true crime enthusiasts. This story has a happy ending. Miracle Grow organic raised bed and garden soil. It's made with quality organic ingredients from upcycled green waste like compost and aged bark. Unlike the other guys who can't say the same, looks like bad dirt's murdering days are over. Thanks to Miracle Grow.

Join us next time on plant killers.