The Bugle - 110 Per Cent Behind Musaharraf

Episode Date: November 13, 2007

The fifth ever episode of The Bugle! Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver.This is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ and listen to Top Stories Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Welcome to edition 5 of the Bugle Audio newspaper for the week beginning Tuesday the 13th of November. The Bugle of course is usually available at the start of the week on a Monday, but this week actually begins on Tuesday.

It's something through the lunar cycle, happens about once every 17 years. This week will also end slightly later than normal at 4 a.m. next Monday. I'm Andy Zoltzman in London and in New York City, USA, John Oliver, John, how is the right a strike going? So are you able to do the show this week? Well, that's, is a relief. I should put it out in order not to break the

picket line, all of John's words this week have been written by Zambian child. That Zambian child has been working his behind off. I can either talk with his words or through more scope. The best counter-attack from production companies at the moment to this right district has been regarding thrusting a toilet, so you don't pay a plumber every time you flush the toilet's bus. Let's say that your plumber had fixed it so that every time you flush the toilet a hundred pounds can fly out the top of it. I think that plumber would be entitled to five pence of that. It's time you flush. That's all I'll say about this strike. As always some sections of the audio newspevico straight in the bend this weekly

science section including features on does gravity really work fishin or fusion you decide does anyone give a shit about copper sulfate and how to use science to kill undetected also in the bin the first in a special pullout series teach yourself body language this week mastering the shrug. Top story this week, Pakistan! Perversed Musharraf after instilling emergency powers has promised two stage elections by January 9th of next year, and I imagine that he put particular emphasis on the word stage.

Because there will be no freedom of the press, no freedom of association, or freedom of speech, so this might be quite a minimal staging of a democratic election. It'll be like a brechtian production of the electoral process stripped right down to his bare essentials. Well, I for one cannot wait for the election in Pakistan, John, because here in Britain we missed out on having a general election here because it turned out that it was going to be too dangerous for British people to vote after dark. So I'm going to get really stuck into the Pakistan election.

I haven't decided who I'm going to vote after dark. So I'm gonna get really stuck into the Pakistan election. I haven't decided who I'm gonna vote for yet. I'm just gonna write and see what the candidates have to offer me. I will find a way to vote in Pakistan. I'm not technically allowed to, but I think if I write to the right people, I'll get a go. I think Musharraf as a candidate is gonna offer you

voting for him. Oh, that's it, that's it. That's what that is always gonna offer you. Well, that's quite a good agenda. Keeps it nice and simple. That's right. Oh that's it, that's it, that's what that is always going to offer you. Well that's quite a good agenda, keeps it nice and simple. That's right and this could, this Pakistan election might become the greatest electoral sham since these in Barbarian election recently where one township actually registered a 110% turnout. You can say we like about Robin McGarby, he is fighting the war against Apathy and he's winning it arguably winning it slightly too much apparently George W. Bush put in a phone call to Moussierreff last week John asked him to relinquish control of the army this

of course came from President Bush the commander in chief of the US armed forces that's correct but what what he actually said let's be fair and it what he actually has suggested is that Mouss that Mushraf take off his uniform and his only problem bush is with the uniform We just want him to change it to something else It's it's the uniform that Mushraf wears that keeps reminding Bush of his own pitiful service during the Vietnam It's just nagging at a conscience that doesn't wish to be nagged. I've actually got a direct transcript of that phone call between Mushraf and I've actually got a direct transcript of that phone call between Moussuref and Bush and it reads like this John Moussuref starts

You want me to a link which control the armed forces? Yep, right and you what about me Is there something you want to say perves? Go on. Oh, you wouldn't understand George. Try me What else do you want me to do then? Well, Perves, I want you to stop curtailing human rights, stop detaining people without trial. That kind of stick. You know, stop trying to fill the Supreme Court with their own cronies. George, are you taking a piss? That's what really went on in that phone call. Now Mushraf is also claiming that he's going to clamp down on the internet,

which means that any criticism of Mushraf might lead to listeners in Pakistan not being able to hear this. Luckily, it is a cold hard fact that the only thing government centres cannot detect is sarcasm. Mushraf is doing just a tremendous job over there, Andy. Declaring state of emergency is always a great idea and have absolutely no catastrophic historical parallels. Well done. I'm thinking you are being a bit hypocritical on this because how much do you actually know about Pakistan? What would you mean? Well I don't think you know great, I'm going to give you a quick quiz to see how much you know about this country that you're criticizing so roundly.

I've got three questions about Pakistan for you, and we'll see what percentage knowledge you have about Pakistan. Okay, try them, the gauntlet is down. Question one, which Pakistani took six wickets in the lost test of 1982? I don't have the hijab acronym. It was Madassan Azab. Who was the captain of Pakistan when they beat England for the first time in the oval test of 1954? Are all these questions about cricket, Andy? Captain of Pakistan when they beat England for the first time in the Oval Test of 1954.

Are all these questions about cricket, Andy? It was Abdul Haffee's card art and finally when Pakistan won the cricket world cup in 1992 who had their most economical bowling figures? A bit of a surprise, aren't they? So your answer was yes. It was Aki Javed, John. That's not out of three. Would you not say those are questions primarily about cricket, Andy?

I guess you could look at them that way. I will ask you a follow-up question to that. Andy, do you know anything about Pakistan that isn't the capital city of it or something about cricket? To be honest, John, no. Andy, do you even know the capital of Pakistan? I do, but only because cricket is play there.

Ah! There is a key problem, Andy, with combining military rule with an attempt at democracy. And that is that there's something a little bit unnerving about someone asking you who you're going to vote for, while simultaneously holding a machine gun. And the British asked Gwimish about guns, and that is because we don't have guns in Britain. The reason being that the last time we had access to guns, we conquered 2,000 worlds landmass and instituted slavery. And hand on heart, I can't say that if we had guns,

we wouldn't try and do that again. I'd love to think we wouldn't, but I think we might give it a crack. We've got rosettes instead, John. And to me, going up to a polling station, seeing people with rosettes, that's even more sinister than the machine guns. It's like a psychological machine gun. Is the story coming out of Pakistan now? Not yet another example of democracy, which we are forcibly gifted around the world going badly. And what part of gift of democracy are these

countries struggling to understand? It is staggering in gratitude. They've been very badly raised these nations. All children learn that when you're given a present by somebody, you should both write a thank you letter and pretend you like it even if you don't. Maybe play with it or you know, wear it whenever you next see that person. I would argue that the gift of democracy has not been quite as generous as it might first appear, particularly in Iraq, all we really did was gather up all the millions and millions of unused ballot papers from the last British and American elections and dump them in a skip outside Baghdad with a lorry load of pencils and some rosettes saying the West that were left over from Crofts, but they shouldn't take in sponsorship from Al Cahydir.

I know money's money, but you've got to draw a line somewhere, John. No one wants to see a poach with an anti-West slogan emblazoned across his furry chest. But let us know what you think should be done with Pakistan, because frankly, I don't have the foggiest idea, and it's not really any of my business. John, what's your suggestion for Pakistan? Well, let me just say before I suggest that Andy, that in the interest of full disclosure, I'm in the very strange situation of having met Musharraf about 12 months ago.

He was a guest on the daily show. We had to do the show behind Bulletproof Glass that day as a precursor to the trouble that was ahead. Nothing says, are you ready for comedy to an audience better than Bulletproof Glass? But the Bulletproof Glass ran out at my part of the desk. It covered John Stuart and Musharraf,

and it did not cover John Oliver. The only thing I can remember talking to Musharraf about was that afterwards, saying to him that he was very funny. And to be honest, I regret that now, because he's been a lot less funny since that point. Maybe since a few was just dated badly, like Benny Hill. Other news now, and Britain is still reeling from last week's Queen's speech.

John did the Queen make much of an impact, stateside, with her speech this year. People are really listening to the Queen, Andy, but they do like looking at her and they find her attractive lady. As a point, I admire the patriotism in that common, Andy. What I don't like is the base in your voice when you say it. But I don't know about you, John, but I thought the Queen speech was a disappointing effort from someone who's been queen for well over 10 years now, in fact, 55 years. You're going to thought she'd have picked up some basic speech tricks in that time.

Maybe a couple of jokes at the start, just a light in the mood a bit. Maybe a quip about what she looks like, something about the crown or something. Just engaged the audience. I thought it was just disappointingly flat, really. Let me give any of our American listeners some background to what the Queen's Speech actually is.

The Queen's Speech takes place once a year and it is written by the government and read by the sitting monarch. So in this case, it's the Queen who reads it out in her signature shrill monotone, which is of course the way all words should sound. It is the Queen's English. Let's remember if she wants it to sound nasal and boring, then nasal and boring, it must sound. And she delivers the speech while sitting in the

grand throne of the House of Lords, really helping everyday people to connect with the message. It's actually in the commons. No, it's not it in the Lord, she's not allowed in the commons. Is that so? Are you sure about that? I'm becoming less sure about it, as I repeatedly make the point, but I think I'm right and you're wrong on that. Do you want to look that up quickly?

It's being checked as we speak. Now what we could do is edit this tense moment out and just goes, oh, we could leave it in so the listeners can feel the sense of uneasers to who's going to be right. Is it going to be, who's going to be more British? Is it going to be John? Or is it going to be Andy? I think it's going to be me, even though I've spent very little time in Britain. I will just say John, I'm very seldom wrong.

That is true, which is why I'm about to take even more satisfaction in the fact that you're going to be wrong now. Do we have any word through yes? Or we can, we're still waiting for confirmation of whether the Queen goes to the House of the House of Laws. All we can say is it, whoever turns out to be right, is going to take that victory with very little grace. That's absolutely correct, Andy, I'm already planning my victory celebration, to be honest.

Oh, it's House of Lords. There you go. It's House of Lords! Yes! I am more British than you Andy. It's a disgrace you even call yourself a Brit. You're basically French. You're French Andy.

Or on D to give you your proper name. Bonjour, on D, Sava. Oh boy, that felt good. In the context of long running disputes over various trivial facts that is very much a consolation goal for you. The day of the Queen's Beach actually begins at 10am when a group of B-featers searched the sellers of the houses of Parliament a tradition which dates back to the gunpowder plot of 1605 when Guy Forks tried to blow up Parliament and this is the only time of year in which they searched for gunpowder, so if you're planning to blow up the British Parliament,

you should be fine as long as you don't do it on the day of the Queen's speech attending the morning. Guy Forks could not have picked a worse time. At the speech, it is designed to outline everything that the government will try and do over the upcoming year. Unfortunately, Gordon Brown had already revealed almost everything that was in the speech, which rather stole the Queen's thunder a bit, and she must have been tempted to throw in some stuff herself. My government, are planning to put a dog on Mars by the end

of the year. That's what it says here. Well, don't preempt my speech then, Gordon. This week Tony Blair was paid apparently £240,000 for giving a speech in China. That is one speech in China. The China Youth Daily newspaper said the speech was quote, like listening to some domestic, county or city level official. Ouch! That's pretty much a two-star review. I want to take that Blair. That is more than he used to earn in a year, as Prime Minister,

forgiving one speech which suggests that maybe we weren't paying him enough. And if we paid him more, maybe he'd have done a better job. It's an interesting point. He was paid £240,000 which are going to translate to our American listeners is about $300 million at the moment. It's another exchange rate joke. So, who do you think you get so many? The Chinese media said it revealed nothing new, and I think that's a fair criticism. I think for £240,000, you really have to reveal something new.

Not necessarily something as important as the cure for cancer, but perhaps that you've got a dolphin tattoo in the small of your back. Or that you can juggle three watermelons, something that people didn't know before. The average salary of a production worker in China is £1,300, so to be fair, all you need to do is work solidly for 200 years and you too could hire Blair to talk to you for a bit. In his speech Blair said things like China is a very special country and has a special place in the heart of my family and you can't put a price on a statement like that Andy, you can put a price on it and the price is £240,000. And we were talking last week I think

about what you could do if you had loads of money and here's another thing that would be great to add to the list, You could pay for an ex-world leader to come to your house and give you a meaninglessly vague compliment. Ding dong, Nelson Mandela's at your door saying hello, you have nice eyes. Bye! It's interesting what former leaders get up to after they either take their leave of office or have their office forcibly taken from them as happened with Blair. I understand George W. Bush is all set to be the most inactive ex-president in American history, which I guess we should be thankful for small and belated mercies. That's right, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and even his dads have had a career in politics of some sort afterwards and Bush has openly stated that he just wants

to go to his ranteun, Texas and sit down for a while. And think about what he's done. More other news now and King Juan Carlos of Spain has told Hugo Chávez of Venezuela to shut up after summit of Latin countries,ic Hugo is having another rant at fascists. He loves to rant. In many ways, he lives to rant. He's having a real go at the former Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznor and King Juan Cole of Sledo and said to him,

why don't you shut up? Which is really international politics at its sparkling best. Javez, he really is something special. We should enjoy him while he's still around before he's bumped off by the CIA. He is very much the Roger Federer of entertaining politicians. Shavez responded by saying,

yes, the king is a head of state like me. Only I've been elected three times with 63% support and then moon walks around the chamber. So listeners, who would you like the bugle to tell to shut up on next week's show? Do email in, who you'd like us to tell a shut up and why? The three best answers will receive that shut up, which will be delivered to their targets live next week. And the email address is thebugle at timesonline.co.uk.

Consumer section. This section of the bugle this week is to outline the various food scares and recalls dangerous toys that are blighting the planet at the moment. Of course, we have the recent shock news that bacon will 100% kill you. That's right, turns out us Jews were right all along. Yes, it's tasty, but God is not a fool. You say us Jews, they're Andy, but I certainly have never met not only a Jew, but a person who eats as much bacon as you. John, I'm merely trying to understand

how you savages live and build bridges between our war and communities. Don't mock that. Well, that's something you seem to be trying to understand between bread at least once a day. Splash a ketchup. Isn't that just what Jesus wanted, Andy? Does that negate the bacon, the splash of ketchup? I don't know. It's been a long time since I read the Bible. I believe in some cultist parts of the church,

ketchup on a bacon sandwich, does symbolise the blood of Christ. So is there any food left in the world that won't give you some horrific life-gutailing illness? Is even oxygen still okay? Or will that kill you eventually as well? Here are some food scares for you to spread around. Sossages will almost certainly ruin you unless you eat them whole. Tomatoes will give you a brain disease unless you eat them alternately with slices of mozzarella, the Italian have known this for several years. If you eat more than 100 kilos of past nips in a 48 hour period, you will hallucinate that you are an atomic bomb.

Milk is dangerous if drunk directly from a cow. Do not eat bread whilst drowning, it will swell up inside your stomach and make your death slower and more irritating. Sigerites do not cause cancer provided you do not like them, and do not consume shards of glass that can cause Alzheimer's as well as internal bleeding. So in shorts by all means eat but do be aware you will also die. In other consumer news China has continued to threaten the lives of American children. After the merge last month, that toys imported from China often featured lead paint which

children obviously were then going on to lick because they're children and children lick things, especially toys, especially toys that smell like lead. Can the news this week that 4.2 million toys have been recalled? Aquadot bead toys were found to contain a coating which when metabolized becomes GHB, a date rape drug. Good for them and because you know what I thought lead poisoning was as bad as it was going to get. That was as much as we were willing to risk children in giving them ludicrously cheap toys. But now date rape drugs and who'd have thought that you would ever hear the words children's toys and date-rake drugs in the same centres without the words have never had any connection to between them.

Well, I'm not sure they're the first to do it though, John, because I've forgotten large parts of my own childhood, and I've started to wonder, was this something fishy going on? I mean, was action man after something that he said he wasn't after? This is all part of a broader Chinese scheme to undermine the Western economy by poisoning and probably killing all of our children. So that China can become the world's top nation by 2050 when according to the book of revelations the world will end and whoever is the world's leading country at that point will be declared the overall winner of the game. This is always the time of year where various dangerous Christmas toys lists come out and I'm afraid there are some products that are being recalled for this Christmas. So if you have them pen and paper please take the following down. The Lego guantanamo unfortunately has a flammable caran piece which is very easy for young

children to swallow. That's dangerous for a number of reasons. Another product recall the defence manufacturer of British airborne violence incorporated are recalling their Hades Fulmanator attack aircraft. After safety tests showed that the plane can, on very rare occasions, result in the deaths of innocent civilians or if inappropriately used annihilate dissident tribes. BAV insists that the former NATO, which can fire up to 45 co-buminators seeking main rockets in a minute and is on a Britain's best-selling military exports are real favourites with des spots around the world.

The insist it is safe for routine legitimate killing, but any rogue state, which possess the aircraft, will encourage the return of to Bav as soon as possible. This is more bad news for the struggling warcraft and slaughtered sector, which has been struggling ever since the German stopped causing a massive world war every 25 years. That was the Bugles Consumer Section, giving blind eyes sight. Now, unfortunately, the Ask an American section has had to be postponed for another week, last week you may remember it was due to illness on the part of the American.

This year the American is moving house, I'm afraid, he's moving house today and tomorrow. So he's unable to answer your questions, but he will be here next week to answer them. John, it started a he was avoiding these questions, realizing quite well the rest of the world wants to ask America. And also, is another question, could you not just grab one of the more than 300 million other Americans available to you in America to answer these questions? Andy, you don't understand this.

How about you? I think we're moving House. That's right, this American is completely representative. Last week, all Americans were ill. This week, all Americans are moving house. That's right, this American is completely representative. Last week, all Americans were ill. This week, all Americans are moving house. It's like musical chairs. It's a traditional day that you don't understand or know about. There was in fact a letter from Jose Iván Garcia to the American, says, how are you holding

up? You being sickened out for a month, raises some questions about American character. Are Americans really up to the task of comedy stroke war fighting? Or do you just sign up and then send them Mexicans? Is he an America at all? Regardless, Mexican. I mean, I'm not going to answer that because I'm not an American, but we will certainly get the American to answer that next week. And he might answer that with the necessary use of some bleeps. So instead, we'll go through some of your letters some which were left over from last week

due to a technical problem. And do keep sending them into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Here is an interesting email from Mark E. Dear John and Andy, my name is Mark. I'm 17 years old and have leukemia. I believe that alkydor is the root cause of my illness. The following is how I believe it happened. One day when I was riding a bus, a Middle Eastern man sat down next to me, and sure enough, about a decade later I was diagnosed. Coincidence, I think

not. Is this the first documented case of such an incident? Please let me know. Well, Marky, thank you very much for your both funny and tragic email, and we will investigate. I don't think that has ever happened before. Well I would say to Mark E. there and the which would make that letter a lot less tragic is that if you can write a letter that funny and Mark E clearly can, you can easily kick the behind of leukemia. There's one here from Paul Hennell which says dear the buglers, you mentioned that global warming, terrorists and the environment and God have become international scapegoats and I was wondering how this affects the top

excuses chart. Where do blaming video games, rap music, the parents, junk food, the dog ate it, drugs, teenage pregnancy, society, bins drinking, same-sex couples or my grandmother died fit in now. Also, your when now for humanity question is silly, the answer is obviously born with. What is top of the excuses chart right now John what would you say out of that that look? Well really the top of the excuses chart at the moment as we've heard is moving house and being ill. That's America's excuse for everything not only not turning up to answer questions but also for the war in Iraq that's now the excuse that they were ill at the time and in a way they've just moved house

temporarily. Finally this one is from Katie McNabb on the subject of Catholic-Fired power stations as mentioned previously on the bugle. She writes, a friend of mine is responsible for deciding which power stations to turn on at various points in the day. Among her responsibility, she has to decide on the most appropriate materials to maximize efficiency. Gas, coal, hydro, your recent broadcaster reminding me of our golden energy efficient part, so I made the suggestion that she consider Catholics as an alternative fuel source. She has taken this to her managers and they have decided to go ahead with the trial. A carbon neutral future seems on the cards, although it will mean invading Brazil at some

point in the future to secure larger numbers of Catholics. So thank you all for your fantastic emails. I'm sorry, we don't have time for all of them, but we'll put as many as we can up on the website and do keep sending them into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Bugle Sport now and the weak sports news on this side of the Atlantic will be dominated by the build up to England's biggest football match for many years. Israel vs Russia on Saturday. A massive game for England can England's much-law-dead golden generation finally step up to the plate and cheer Israel on to a result against Russia.

Well, John, it's become a Russia must not win at all costs to games. So what tactics do you think England manager Steve McLaren is going to go for? Is he going to stick with trying to watch it in his living room whilst pacing up and down and swearing at his dog? Or will he try to surprise the Russians by going out for a round of golf that take his mind off the game and then phoning his wife for the result later on? What do you think? I think what McLaren will do because he's a supreme tactician Andy. He'll go and listen to the game sitting in his car, sitting motionless in his car. With a host of hands.

And in through his hand. Possibly. And that way that if the result is good, he'll just sit there honking the horn in celebration. And if the result isn't good, he'll just drive at full pace into his own house. For these interesting as well, Wayne Rooney getting injured again, such a bad time, just a few days before this crucial match between Israel and Russia. He's going to have to watch the game with his ankle heavily strapped, but it could provide another chance for Peter Krauts to go down the pub with some mates and watch it on the big screen there. So big chance for Krauts to really get stuck in to the biggest Russia game. Certainly get a good view Andy, because he's very, very tall. Euro 2008 fever has

gripped the nation. John Fanz's been going out and buying as many as Rayleigh products as possible, regardless of the ethical qualms over the Palestine issue. In an effort to boost the Israeli economy and hence indirectly, help the confidence of the team in whose hands their hopes and dreams now rest. So I speak for all England fans when I say, come on Israel. In other sports, fans of total and utter fighting

were left disappointed at Mindus Mayhem 24 on Saturday, when the two stars of unregulated pugilism negotiated a peace accord before their final climactic fracker. Danny Chenzor, Fist's McGonagall and Ivan Menderlayev, the Moscow mutulator, agreed that violence solves nothing, signed a treaty which acknowledges both men as the joint menist and nastiest in the super-aggressive tempered division, and they then read some poems to a pact but mystified crowd at the nantwich bone exchange. And our quick result. Fishing in the European individual final, Jim Paxelbury of Hull beat Wang Ignacio Muchibweiner from Valencia, by landing a £22 trout, however overall Spain beat the UK by £1.2 million to £900,000 and remain European commercial fishing champions.

And that's time for the Bugles Unique Audio Cryptic Crossword. This week's clue is 2 down. It's 6 letters long and it's in many ways moving tail about how nature and technology don't always get on. So six letters, snooty little dog loses his head around computers. Think about it. Now we try to end each bugle with some forecast for the coming week, be they share tips or weather. This week a breakfast forecast. These are our breakfast predictions for the week and well British breakfasts are likely to contain an average of 0.8 eggs this is going to be a serial heavy week, although towards the end of the week an

increasing number of mushrooms will be used and I predict a global return to running out and slaughtering your breakfast. A bloodthirsty, but hot pounding starts at the day. That's all from the Bugle this week. Keep your emails coming in, the Bugle at www.tumbdeline.co.uk. Goodbye from London. And goodbye from the USA! Thank you.