The Bugle - 12 Bum Salute - Bugle 4100

Episode Date: March 9, 2019

Andy and Alice are in America (mostly Portland, but also Denver, Chicago and Minneapolis) with news on a miracle jellyfish with a transient anus, Manafort news and some contributions from Tom Ballard and John Oliver (yes, that one).We need you to survive. Click <a href="http://thebuglepodcast.com">here</a> to support the show Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello, Bugleers. Before Andy gets on with Bugle 4100,

this is Chris from a kitchen in England. Thank you very much for all your donations to keep the show going so far. You can help keep us alive by going to thebugelpodcast.com and clicking on Donate. And you will no longer experience any adverts on the show except this. I don't know if this counts as an ad or not. Buy things. Buy things now.

Right over to the tourwangers. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, please welcome the fans and the world! For the first time in Chicago. So this show here tonight in Portland is doubling up as at least part of issue 4,100 of the duels, the world's leading only and possibly best audio newspaper for a visual world. For those who have not listened before, they have not been 4,100 episodes of the... that would be basically almost one a day for the entire history of podcasting. Also, a quick bit of further bit of housekeeping. This venue does have a too-lough minimum.

So anyone failing to laugh at least twice during the course of the show will be asked to leave the venue at the end of the gig. As indeed, we'll, uh, everyone else. It's the 7th of March 2019. Well, you have just cheered, cheered by cheer in the centre, we have cheered the anniversary in 1799 of Napoleon Bonaparte, pictured there capturing the city of Jaffa in Palestine

and brutally slaughtering 2000 Albanian captives. You have cheered that. You love unnecessary conflict. This is America. You just can't help yourselves. You've also cheered the 500th anniversary of in 1519 Hernán Cortez arriving in Mexico and starting plundering the wealth and resources

of the Aztecs and murdering the local population. You've cheered that. That was all right with you. You've also cheered the birth in 1788 of the prominent pioneer in French scientist, Antoine César Becker-L. you've cheered that, there he is, you've cheered that, but what he did sadly later die. So, um, you are, um, mostly, few people, honestly. Also, this week, it was World Red Disease Day.

Yesterday, yeah, let's hear it for red diseases. Yesterday in the show in Denver, a woman cheered this raucously, and I said, why did you cheer that so loudly? And she said, you don't have gone to rear or... You don't have gone to rear or what? You have to confer on the other one that you don't have. You don't have gone to rear or what is the other one? I don't remember, but I just...

But you do have all the other diseases. Anyway, to mark red disease day, we've got a special bugle giveaway and we are giving you a free dose of a red disease of your choice from the following options, a racnephobic ophobia, in which you are afraid of people who are afraid of spiders. Spicer Huckabee syndrome, in which you gradually start to regret working for a f***. Um... Um... Tello... This is a particularly serious one in America. Televisionally aggravated, spontaneous, central,

digital inversion impulsionism in which whenever the news is on, you are compelled to flip a bird at your television. And the most dangerous disease of all in 2019. Hope. So, uh, choose your own. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B We have for your delectation in the bin this week to start with Portland or a special section on Portland, Oregon, your home. So did you like living here?

It's a good place to live. I was just reading about Oregon, you had a crack at being an independent republic. Apparently for five years in the 1840s. That's what they long only lasted five years in the 1840s, that's what they've not only lasted five years, let me tell you, America, independence never works out. Just give it time, obviously the most thing Paul and his most famous for is this, an old defunct carpet. I mean, obviously you got rid of the, you got rid of the Portland carpet and then the

following year Donald Trump was elected president. Join the fucking dots people. Well, that wasn't doing the local economy any good, the Portland carpet. Do you know that the local economy in Portland and surrounding areas of Orogan, that carpet was costing your economy $132 billion a year and people just staring at it, just staring lovingly at your carpet. I think what the Portland carpet shows as a historical story is it's a big problem being a country as young as America when a 30 year old carpet becomes like stone hinges for Britain. I mean in Europe we have two and a half thousand year old temples that people use as urinals. I think, or

maybe I just took a piss on the path and I'll forget, but anyway, I forget. Also, in the bid this week, we have a, what is this another one? This is No Your Country. Now, especially common sense. It's very important for you to know about your country and the tech here. Are you from Minneapolis? Or did you just live there for a bit? I'm from Minneapolis. From Minneapolis. I've got a special Minneapolis, Austin, Pauley obviously the Twin Cities. But do you know which is which?

How much do you know about the other major cities in your country? We're gonna play Minneapolis, Orson Paul. I'm gonna show you something and tell you about it. You have to tell me if it's from Minneapolis, Orson Paul. So, well, we'll start with this. This is a picture of the 45th largest city in America.

Is that Minneapolis, or is it St. Paul? Minneapolis, correct, that is Minneapolis, so one, Milton Minneapolis. Now, beheaded by the Romans in 65 AD. On the orders of Emperor Nero, is that Minneapolis or St. Paul? St. Paul, correct, that is it is St Paul very well done. This place loves sports and it's home to target field home with a Minnesota twins baseball

team, is that Minneapolis or St Paul? Correct, two ones are Minneapolis and now, incorrigible letter writer who famously penned off epistles to amongst others, the Corinthians I am a'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r fforddd or ffordd o'r ffordd o ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o ffordd o'r ffordd o' and he wrote to serial manufacturers trying to win competitions by finishing sentences like I love Judean Chukka corn pops because dot dot dot. Is that Minneapolis or is it St Paul? Right, okay, so we're getting towards, so it's too all now and that's got, oh, we're out of time. It's too all, it means we have a sudden death overtime time breaker. Is this morphs into something different from what it started as. Who's

going to win Minneapolis or St Paul? It's going to be judged by who has the more down-to-earth, believable, credible boss. Is it Minneapolis, current boss, Donald Trump? Or is it St Paul, whose boss was famously God? So who is more realistic and down-to-earth out of those two? Let's find out. And the winner is God! God is the winner! And that's a win for St Paul and there is St Paul and oh, St Paul, hang on, what's that? Oh, you've got a message for you, I think you're in Paul and there, he's flippin' the birds! St Paul has flipped you the V's, are you going to take that lying down now? Right, okay. Well, I enjoyed that maybe more than you did.

And it is now time to introduce our fantastic Bugle Co-host for today's live Bugle here in Portland and we are about to try something truly incredible here within well context and here is let's see if if this is going to work is this going to work here we go Alice Fraser Hello Andy hello bugles how are you, I thought you were in London, Alex, what were, what, that doesn't look like London to me? Oh yeah, no, I'm reporting here from the midst of Portland in 1898, as you know I'm from Australia and have therefore overshot the time difference significantly. So I've accidentally arrived quite a long time before the gig is meant to start.

Oh boy, I thought modern society was unwelcoming to female comedians. I cannot get booked here except by a lady calling herself Syphilite Mary, the town slut wrangler, but she won't accept occasional buble co-host as a reputable writing credit. Come stay, I'm going to tell you. Hi, I mean, who are you? I can't see you. I know I look like I can't see you at all. Oh, Alice is down the other end of this video camera, so you can all wave it. Everyone wave it. This is Portland. And that's you on the screen. You are absolutely fucking enormous.

Don't fudge shame me, Alan. But you are quite literally currently big in America. Now I'm... Right, I think it's time for our top story this week. Oh, not hang on before we do that. Always forget this, but it's America. What we've got to do before we start anything in America? National Anthem, that's right, that's right before we start.

So please, everyone, please be upstanding for the National Anthem's before the Big Love. On your feet, Portland, everybody up? Everybody up? Unfortunately, we don't actually have very much time for this. So we've got to get through it quickly. In fact, for all the National Anthem's before today's Bigel, we only have 18 seconds.

So we're going to have to crack through them and national anthems for Alice and for you as host country. Here we go. One. Oh, I'm still European for another three weeks. Right, you can sit. There we go, very important. I don't know. National Anthem is a bit of a curious thing for me.

I'm not a massive fan of the British National Anthem is a bit of a curious thing for me. I'm not a massive fan of the British National Anthem, which is essentially appealing to a deity that most have written no longer believes in, to save a woman who already has the best medical care and security detail that money can possibly buy. These are wasted words, if only we'd been singing God save our industrial sector. Might not be... And your National Anthem is essentially all about blowing Sorry? For the C. Your fortmock Henry in 1814, which was part of the War of 1812.

So, why don't you join that one unusually early? What's up? What, the Australian National Anthem is basically just kind of smiling. I mean, it was going to be Waltzing Matilda, which was a very popular song about a man who stole a sheep. And then they decided that that wasn't quite respectable enough, so they went with the most boring song in all of history. That's what national anthems are all about. I mean, they would have found that funnier

if they knew anyone outside their own country. LAUGHTER Alice, this is one of the bits on the edge of America. It's not the bit. Right, it's time now for... Now we've done the National Anthem. It's time for Top Story this week. Right, Alice, you're bringing us the top story this week. But one of the most momentous pieces of news

in the history of this planet. Yes, in important evolution news now, the missing link has been found. Dr Sydney Tam, a scientist at the Marine Biological Laboratory, has made a really spectacular finding in his work, plumbing the depths of the salty ocean. He has discovered a creature with a transient anus. Sorry, hang on, what? A transient anus, an anus that appears only when it is needed before vanishing completely.

So jellyfish are famous for their complete lack of features, including being notably anus free. But Dr. Tam has discovered that the water comb jelly or sea walnut isn't a jellyfish at all because it has an on-demand streaming service, an occasional anus that appears only when it's needed, like Batman or Buttman if you will, otherwise, if you can, if you like. We can no longer write the Warty Cone jelly office just anotherler's blob floating anus and fancy free through the watery deeps of the briney seas. Now that we looked further into its ephemeral anus we realised it represents a critical stage in evolutionary history. It is the missing link, the Yeti of the anus,

the bridge between the butthole free jellyfish and us, the butthole beings. Did you just use the word? It's fleeting. So did you just use the word be butt-hold? Yes. I was so happy with that. I think it's not used in the fourth amendment or something. I've got to remember. It's fleeting state of enus should

be an inspiration for those of us who would like to go back to simpler times in our evolutionary history, times when we could make fleeting use of a momentary anus and then move on with our lives not haunted by the constant presence of a vulnerable back door. with the enduring sphincter, the uncomfortable reminder that not all progress is good. Should Lord Dr Sidney Tam, as a hero, he has left skid marks on the pages of science, plugging this... Plugging this gaping hole in our sphinctural history with the poop of knowledge. He will receive a lifetime supply of poisonous jellyfish and a 12-bum salute. o'r llwysig y lifetan yn pwysyn sylwysioedd y llwysioedd yn y 12 bumsolod. Mae'n fawr i'r llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn y llwysioedd yn I'm going to have to find some very exciting areas. I've been a giant, arseless jellyfish. I think it's probably the best solution we've yet come up with through all the transient anus.

It's such a bizarre... I imagine that's what you are all hoping your president will prove to be. The history of America. In my head, the transient anus has a little bag on a stick over his shoulder and he just says, I'm just passing through, man. Mae'n gweithio'r aniseu yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymw'r gweithio yn ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cyfrwyth ymnesu'r cy the internet today and I realize it is also International Women's Day Andy, a day in which you suggested the lead story should be the discovery of a non-jellyfish within a femoral poop shoot. Well, sorry. If we can't just get rid of the patriarchy overnight, You can't just get rid of the patriarchy overnight, Alice. No, no, I just wanted to take a moment to celebrate International Women's Day, which is a beautiful

day in which men and men and non-binary persons all over the world display their appreciation for the women in their lives in history, the women out of whose vaginas they platonically emerged, or into whose vaginas they non-protonically would like to enter. You know, it's a perfect day. It's the day in which people of the world argue vehemently about the parameters of the abstract and flexible latticework of gender and biological sex into which we are attempting

to scoop 51% of more than 7 billion people. That was a very lucid sentence for, I believe it is 4.35 a.m. in London. So, um, in the other... Which is to say I didn't write any jokes on the second jellyfish story, so... Oh, right, okay. So, um... Well, jellyfish could solve this, could solve the issue of plastic in the oceans. Um, uh, this... I mean, this is quite exciting newsbod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwybod, o'r gwyith ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ym a'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r fforddd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r fford using jellyfish mucus. Isn't science fun. What I think is great, I think it's about time some of these other species started doing

their bit for the environment. Why is it always us that has to clear up our own mess? These fucking freeloaders. In bees can do maths news now, researchers at the RMIT University in Australia have discovered that Bees can do maths, which raises a lot of questions about the intelligence of the insect world and whether we have underrated the sentience of all of the horrible tiny creatures we're probably about to be relying on for our sole source of protein if the environmentalists take away our beef burgers.

Also raises questions for me about what kind of maniac scientists decides to do beef mass experiments in the first place. Where's that Eureka moment? Is it, oh my god, I'm covered in beef? How many of them are there? I wonder if they know. Or what? I mean, we do need to get it in some kind of perspective. How good are I mean beads are good at maths for their size? Compared with humans of similar dimensions But I mean in the grand scheme of things they're really not the no B has ever got a degree in maths From a top 20 ranked university in either Britain or the USA

No B has had a major mathematical law named after it, whereas f*** loads of humans have. We have the De Bruyne Erdos theorem, both of them, human, not Bs. That's 2-0. You cled to theorem, the ancient Greek-o-adjiption, the father of geometry, or big, popper angles, as he liked to be known.

He was not a B, he was a human mathematician like so many of the best mathematicians. Hilbert's axiom was named after David Hilbert, who was German, but not a bee, and was never recorded as having flown around someone's picnic buzzing and trying to steal their jam sandwiches. And also Hilbert lived to the age of 81, and that's older than the average B

by almost 81 years. And here's a little fact about Bs. In a recent scientific survey, it turned out that 37% of all Bs were, in fact, Amazon picnic drones. Spying, what people were eating, that's boring, everything. I mean, sure, Andy Bs are better, are not as good as humans at maths, but they are better than some humans at maths. Honey Bees, according to Dr Adrian Dyer and his research, can understand the concept of

zero and learn to correctly indicate which of two groups of objects is smaller, which is really hard to do for humans, especially when you're trying to figure out the size of a crowd and inauguration. On which subject? I think it's time to move on now. Oh, so what was that Chris? Move on, Andy. Okay, I will move on, good point. 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A'r ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ysgiael yn ys his owner by being forced to eat another packet of sausages. But it does mean there is with Donald Trump, what was Donald Trump's reaction to Manifort's conviction, this is what he said about it. Stupid fucking laws, they make my fucking is very, very difficult.

And what's that? I mean, he's not going to take this line down. What's next on his agenda? I want to repeal and replace our laws, Mexicans, women, and our Constitution. So, here's the fact that came out of the Manifold. Do you know there are now more people in the American prison system who used to work in the Trump White House than there are people in the American prison system who previously also used to be in the American prison system. That's a little joke about American reoffending rates. It's a niche market, but a ticket sales, a ticket sale. So clearly Trump has, well I mean they're there he is after they failed the recent summit, your president there and next to him a man chosen to represent all of

humanity. And is there a little question for you now? Who here knows the number of current investigations into Donald Trump? Anyone? 27. 27? It's not an auction, but actually it basically is an auction. Let's find out. It's 12,4. 12,472. So what makes that so amazing, Portland, is that I've just told you that your president has 12,472 live investigations into him. It's clearly a lie, but none of you

have said, no Andy, that's incorrect. You've just assumed that it might be. It might be right. It might be the actual number. That is not... That's... That number is in fact the number of runs scored by the England Cricket, a Alistair cook, who recently retired from international cricket. That's what he scored in his test match career.

What are you booing? That's why you're booing that? Why are you booing? What? You don't like cricket? What the whine a f***ing not? It's the greatest thing ever invented, Paul, and... Right. Okay. Alice, you probably couldn't see that. No, what's happened here? What's happened here is the greatest heckle in history. This has just been rolled onto the stage.

Thanks for that. Can't just ask. I mean, it's the first time someone's rolled a cricket ball across the stage when I've been on stage. Where did you get it? In Portland. You got it in London. So that, I mean, you planned this.

Do you fly to London just to buy a cricket ball? You know, he came from London. You couldn't just drop it off. Could I just dropped it off. Could have just left it there. So, let's look ahead now instead of looking backwards and sideways and onwards to 2020, the 2020 election there, some of the candidates have already cleared. So, who do you think is going to win? Bernie.

Bernie. oeddwn i'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw'r gwybod yn yw is the idea of Bernie Sanders. That's a tremendous candidate, could go all the way. Elizabeth Warren, I guess the question does arise, is America ready for someone who thinks democracy can and should work for everyone? It's a big, f***ing step. Amy Klobuchar, if I pronounce that right, who has been described as Trump's worst nightmare. I hope he has worse nightmares than that.

I hope he is haunted by himself. John Hickenlooper, obviously made up. I mean, this is a thing. I mean, I wanna look at Tulsi Gabbar. That's a kind of shit I make up on the bugle. That's good. Pete Buttigieg, what has that pronounced? Buttigieg, that's what B-U-T-T-I-G-I-E-G.

That's just someone who fell asleep on a keyboard. Demolius Flartage, from Middecoota, he's got a chance. Penicius Trouch, he's an interesting campaign. He's pledged to do absolutely nothing, which presumably will make Congress springing to action and do loads of stuff. Interesting, interesting campaign. He's pledged to do absolutely nothing, which presumably will make Congress springing to action and do loads of stuff. For Tom Brady, he's just announced an ideal, ideal for the Republicans. He's high profile, famous, he's hard to take down, and he's a proven cheat. What more do they want? Grover Cleveland, Grover Cleveland's back, he's going for number three by Wege aboard.

Grover Cleveland, Grover Cleveland's back is going for number three by Wege aboard. And very excitingly, we are delighted today to announce, Alice and I, the launch of the Zoltzmann Fraser 2020 campaign. We are standing for president with our campaign slogan, better lies for a better America. Everyone's going to lie to you during the campaign. You might as well get good lies that make you feel better about yourself. So, I mean, sure, I mean, this is a campaign that seems doomed to failure. It's an Englishman and an Australian woman. That's not traditionally a successful ticket in American elections, but there are no certainties in politics anymore

who'd have thought you would elect, anyway, I can finish that sentence on your own. So Alice, will you get to start with some lies for 2020? Yes, I'm going to abolish all gun checks and all gun licenses, free guns for all, but all bullets will be replaced by flags that say bang. There we go. That's the perfect compromise. The only other compromise I can think of

on the whole Second Amendment, which I think other than applying the Second and a half amendment, which it was seen to fall on the floor in 1791, which was clearly, as time goes by, apply common sense. You fucking idiots. Was to fit all guns with a special device, so there's a 30-minute cooling off period between pulling the trigger and the gun actually firing. Sorry.

Here's the life you are, I want you to spread this around America throughout 2020. Some immigrants are magic. And if you smile at one or lick them on the ear, they will make you taste the taste of strawberry whenever you look at a truck. Now, and there's been a lot of lies told about immigrants and most of them are very negative. Tell some positive lies, for fuck's sake. Just get it out there.

Also, do you think we need to grab about immigration in our two countries, particularly when you think of all the doctors, countries like Britain and America of stolen from other places. I think most illegal immigrants only come to our countries to see their local GP. Alice, next lie. Yes, national swedger. You can call people **** online, but every time you do it, you have to pay a dollar. I think that will wipe off your $22 trillion national debt in about a month, such as the internet. The environmental lobby, there's a lot of lies told about what the environmental lobby wants to do. We'll come on to some of those lies.

This is what the environmental lobby really wants, is for everyone in America to own a solar-powered Pogo stick that will enable them to boyn across America at 140 kilometres an hour and also they want to replace all fossil fuels and instead power the American electricity grid using sexual tension which they will hook up all teenage boys in America to the National Electricity System and a load of French teachers. I don't know what that says about French teachers you've had in the past. Absolute freedom of religion if and only if you can pass a basic logic and comprehension test. Oh, that is long, long overdue.

Yeah. Believe what you want, but you have to be able to read it out loud. I think I'm going to pledge more great Americans, because there's two. I don't think you need more, because you're in quite a young country. I think you need to steal some from other countries. So I'm going to announce that the ancient Greek science star, Archimedes, was actually from Utah. The also American, the great Italian, fresco painted

geoto, the Australian cricket legend, Don Brabman, and the prophet Elijah. He was, in fact, a professor of prophecy at UMIST a'r Llygiau. Ys gyd ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymw ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymwyr ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ymdyn ni'n gweithio' And also spread this. If you let women control their own bodies and wounds, chicken nuggets will become 36% cheaper. Get it out there. Also, I will declare war. That's our all-American candidates have to promise a war, and I will declare war on dinosaurs. Because you've got to have wars in America, that's very much how you define yourself. But wars, the best war, what is the best war? The winnable war, and what is the most winnable war, the war that has already been won. So, down with dinosaurs. Right, it's time to move on, that's the breaking news, breaking news, just a maybe skip, a skip, a skip, a skip, a skip,

a skip, we can't skip it, it's in the PowerPoint presentation and I can't change it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Andy, thanks so much for smuggling me into the United States as an illegal immigrant. I really appreciate it and I'm pretty sure that we find that they seem pretty chill. Lock, Zoltzmanah! Lock, Zoltzmanah! Just kidding. I'm actually here in Australia where everything's going really well except in the fact that everything's either on fire, underwater or dead. Still stuck in this shitty drought. There are bushfires going on in Tasmania, there's floods in Queensland and in January in Lake Menendie in Western New South Wales, we found a million dead fish.

Either that's an ecological crisis or bloody Jesus is up to his old tricks again, going f**king mental trying to feed the multitudes. Piss off Jesus! He's flipped a double bird at the J-Don. Would you believe it, not even Jewish? Um... And Tom Ballett did all his own graphics, although I was super effortless. Piss off, Jesus.

There you go. Anyway, despite all these bad things happening to our environment, our minister for the environment, Melissa Price, former lawyer for the coal industry, hasn't really been saying or doing anything at all. In fact, the National Director of the Wilderness Society, referred to her as the invisible minister. I have a question for you, Andy Zoltzman. If the world would elect an international minister for the environment, who do you think should fill that position? That is the way to

pose a question. Alice, any suggestions for international minister for the environment? Yeah, give it to the bees. They can do the maths and they've got skin in the game. Good point. Just quickly on the environment, another big environmental story. They're coming for your burgers. This is what, something green lobbies after. They are coming to take your burgers. Don't believe me? Believe the great environmental scientists that is Sebastian Gorker from a White House aide, now great environmentalist. So, was it him or was it Leon Trotsky? Can you tell the difference?

I'm not sure, Rakan, he's in deep cover, deep, deep cover now. He said some extraordinary things about the green new deal, an obvious conspiracy, the green new deal, to ensure that life on earth is viable in a hundred years' time, but what's in it for me as a consumer? He said this, this Macavellian scheme by the environmental lobby, they want to take your pickup truck, they

don't, they just want to make it more sustainable and cheaper, quite generous, really. They want to rebuild your home, again it's a lovely offer, and they want to take away your hamburgers, they want to steal hamburgersurgers, they want to steal hamburgers from the mouths of Americans, that's what the Green Lobby want to do and he said these extraordinary words, this is what Stalin dreamed about but never achieved. When that is one of the most extraordinary, out of all the bullshit that has been spouted over the last two years. I think we might have a winner.

Co-host video time, but not any co-host. It is in fact a bugle former co-host. Do you want to know who it might be? Let's find out. Hello, Bugles. There it is. There it is. Sergeant Splitter himself, the Benedict Arnold of the 21st century. There is Communing with you, Bugles. Look at that. Look at pure spiritual joy. And for those who are not listening to the bugle, I did the bugle for about eight years with John Oliver.

He sadly had to retire from bugle duty back in 2015 because he didn't have time for it anymore, because, well, sadly, things have not been going too well for John. And he sounded a lot tired to add to quick comedy and tiling. Fat and settle down and get a regular nine to five. He's working as an accounts clock from Manhattan Delivery firm. Anyway, let's still decide. I'm sorry I can't be there.

Look how sorry he is, that's his. You've always seen a sorry, a pair of eyes now. I'm sorry indeed. I don't know where I've been these last few years either. The honest answer is, I just don't know what to make fun of. The world seems to be going really well. So I hope you have a wonderful time there. Please watch the Lion King this year. He can't help it. He can't help plugging his films.

He's all about the big screen. Is it going to be less shit than your other films, John? I would say that Andy, but the beauty of that saying in low bar is it makes it almost catastrophically difficult not to clear it. It's me and Beyonce. You like Beyonce though you got to think? I'm a bird. Portland, it's been undilight coming here. I love this venue, it's a very, very do continue to support it.

Thanks very much for having me to the Alberta Rose. Any final questions? PUNS. PUNS. It is 540 AM. PUNS. PUNS can be fatal at 540 AM. Give the people what they want Andy.

OK, fine. I thought it was interesting to ask. God knows Americans have never voted against their own self-interest. Well, since I was here in Oregon, Mae'r oes yn oryg yn oryg yn ymwyr. Mae'r oes yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg. Mae'r oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg. Mae'r oes yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn oryg yn orych, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r ymwch, o'r sallum. Sorry about his puns, but when you feel that you can't stop it, I was born this way. It's in Eugene's. Anyway, I was travelling through the state reading a novel, legal thriller, who, Gresham,

and I bumped into the male sibling of the former Democratic presidential candidate from 2016, Hillsborough. not cause quite so much offense. I don't know why I'm bothering me, this must be going round the bend. No, I decided to kayak down Oregon's biggest rivers and bodies of water. I hoped on the way to meet all my favorite three American talk show hosts, Oprah, Jerry and Ricky. I bumped into Oprah and Jerry at a campsiteite and I thought if I can find Ricky,

I will have met all three of them. LAUGHTER Anyway, five days in, no luck. I thought I'll drown my sorrows in ale. I went to a bar for we're pretty Columbia Columbia Columbia. And I was just about to shoot some pool. Went out the window, I saw her there. She was, Ricky like counting up the little edible shelled creatures in the water so she could get the right number for her childa. It was impressive.

Her clam math was amazing. LAUGHTER Anyway, we got quite friendly so I decided to send them all some of my favorite blues music. I sent muddy waters to Winfrey. I sent some buddy guy to Springer and some Robert Crater Lake. And there we are, those are my Oregon puns. Thank you. Right, that is now the official end of this gig. It has been an absolute delight coming to the other group. Please show your appreciation for Alice Brayther.

She's in the ocean. Show your appreciation for Alice Brayther! Season. Thank you. Get some sleep. I'm switching you off. Thank you. Good night. Thank you.