The Bugle - 2018, Part One: Kangaroos, Kim & corruption

Episode Date: December 23, 2018

What a year! Yes there's Trump and Brexit, but also sexy Kangaroos, exam cheats in India and Kim Jong Un. Includes great live moments and a guest appearance from RoboTrump.Featuring Andy Zaltzman, Tom Ballard, Nish Kumar, Alice Fraser, Anuvab Pal, Aditi Mittal. Produced by Chris Skinner and the ghost of Tom Wright.Part two will be released next week (was released a week after this one). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Bugleers and welcome to part one of the Bugle review of 2018. I'm Andy Zoltzman, and what a year it has been for our world famous planet. It has been an unalloyed pleasure to have been able on the Bugle to bring you exclusive coverage of our renowned species continued exploration of the outer recesses of political lunacy. Don't forget you can see my efforts to digest the years news and regurgitate it as a vaguely edible comedic club sandwich. At the Soho Theatre and the Salzman's 2018 assertive history continues 27th to 29th December and then the 2nd to the 5th of January, the perfect Christmas present for absolutely anyone alive, dead or otherwise. Also starring Alice Fraser provided neither of us gets trapped by an anti-bugal activist-controlled drone

or shut down because we look like the US government or matter something under our breath that may or may not be a Suggestion that someone we think has just said something patently stupid may also have some kind of gender a world You are a bit of a tool anyway enough from me. Let's hear instead from me, but the old me earlier in this year With various members of the bugle co-hosting squadron as we take you through January to June of a year that will unquestionably go down in history, as indeed do all years. Month one, any guesses? Yes, it's January 2018. Top story out of Australia now. Tourist unable to poo after sexy

roo blocks her from Lou. What would he go here, guys? Last month in Don Forest National Park, just outside of Perth, a French tourist was blocked from using a public toilet by a sexy kangaroo, striking a seductive, come here the pose in the toilet's entrance. This is all anybody's talking about in Australia, it's the most Australian story in the world. Have you seen the photo of the ruined question Andy?

Oh, God yeah. Yeah, I've seen the photo. I'm not that I can Google it now because I think it would be shut down by safe search function. The sexiest goddamn kangaroo I've ever seen in my life. It is off the charts. That is the hottest piece of sexy rootail out there and he wants it too.

He's not skippy, he's slutty baby. Oh, I haven't been aroused since this aroused, since reading Blinky Bill as a kid. The things I do to that rue if he let me into his pouch. Oh damn baby, let me be a dirty little Joey boy. I want a hop on over you all night long Oh, you like that baby. Yeah Sorry fellas, it's been a while What's been a well-tough? Just anyone just anything you need warm blood since you lost committed a sex crime

Just anyone, just anything, it's warm blood. Since you last committed a sex crime. No, I just, it's not a real country, Tom. You can't tell me that Australia is a real country with these sort of new stories. You're a real new story. It was a really sexy kangaroo, Nish. And you need to get to the toilet. Come on, mate.

I mean, I think it's a very, shall I put about the cricket? Well, this show is over. I've already had to do one podcast about the cricket this week. That was more than enough. I'm very concerned about this kangaroo story. To me it shows that the animal kingdom is getting more confident. More cocky.

They've seen the divisions within our species. And they are thinking this could be our chance to get rid of those imperialist f***s. And it was interesting what this French tour has said. She said, Australia is such a beautiful country with the perfect weather and I would move here if I could. Well I think she should give it a go because with all due respect she does look like she has all the required paperwork not to end up in a cell on Manas Island or Nauru with 60 other people who also think Australia is beautiful and would move there if they could and my paperwork I mean white face in a t-shirt with the I'm definitely not a refugee slogan

That's all we ask of people. It's not too much to sort out. Yes, you forget a chance to have a look at that You're welcome back anytime out. Now she forget a chance to have a look at that. You're welcome back anytime, mate. The tourist news is that she's a 30 year old French lady and she said afterwards it was so funny. I couldn't stop laughing when I saw it was posed like that. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had said, hey girl, what's up? What the hell are you talking about? You're sick French widow. It's a kangaroo. You wouldn't be surprised if a kangaroo said English words to you, and not just any words, creepy, floaty, disturbing words. That's sexual harassment.

Hashtag me, Roo. Hashtag me, Roo. That is unbelievably strong work. I didn't realize that the film Titanic was so huge in the kangaroo community. It was huge. You can get that photo. It is absolutely a homage to Kate Winslet's infamous views from that movie. I assumed the caption was,

Pate me like one of your French animals. Very hot at the moment in Australia as well. That's a huge story over here. And he's a... How hot, Tom. How hot. How hot? how hot. We're frying the brains of bats. Oh, all right. Okay. That's right. How to fur covered flying fox bats which lacks sufficient canopy cover and shade in Australia suburbs died outside Sydney over the weekend.

His temperatures saw to 117 degrees Fahrenheit, the hottest it's been since 1939. The check out the sentence, okay? The Canon advertisement advertiser reports as of Monday 204 dead bats, mostly babies whose brains had been boiled, had been collected in Campbell town. It feels like something out of revelations. Fake news, those bats weren't cut out for it mate, they don't cut out for a new globally warmed world. But I tell you, there's batsmen cut out for it mate, that'll cut out for a new globally warmed world. But I tell you, it's so hot in Australia right now guys. It's so hot in this shenanity, it is so hot. How hot?

It's so hot. It's so hot, no one can even be bothered being racist here anymore. Ah! It's so hot in Australia right now. How hot's up? How hot? It's so hot, Nicole Kidman's nose is melted. Ah, it's so hot right now at Australia dish.

I tell you what, how hot's up? How hot? It's so hot we're becoming delusional and finding kangaroos f***able. That's how hot it is right now. Oh, I'm on the subject of this, this, this, the French kangaroo blocked toilet lady. I'm just joking.

As I believe her full name is. It's describing Australia's perfect weather. I mean, how perfect can weather be if the brains of bats have been literally boiling in their heads because it's so f**king hot? Well, this is lovely weather if you'd like to be able to brew a nice cup of green tea without having to use anything other than the ambient air temperature

to heat the water. And it's lovely weather if you you like bats to cook themselves. So to bloody good think, Gotham City isn't located in New South Wales. I believe that woman saw all those baby bats with boiled brains lying all over the ground as she thought these bats trying to f**k me right now. LAUGHTER

Moving on now to February. MUSIC Moving on now to February. BELLY A WEEK goes by and Britain now without some idiot saying something idiotic about Brexit. And there we go, straight out of the traps today. David Davis, God rest his soul, if it is ever located. He said, he's promised us all, that Brexit will not be some kind of mad Max style dystopia. Stop betraying the will of the people Brexit! That is what we voted for. Yeah, David Davis, a man who was once a baby so boring that his parents gave him his own last name as a first name.

Has disappointed the nation by saying Brexit will not be a mad Max style distopia. What is the point of a distopia if it's not a mad Max style one? All the other distopias are either boring or terrifying. I mean, he's right, or of course, it's not going to be a mad Max style distopia. It's far more likely that Brexit will be an HG Wells time machine style distopia. You know, HG Wells Victorian science fiction novel, we're increasing disparities been wealth between the rich and the poor, we'll lead to humanity involving into two different species, you know, the E-Loy and the Moorlocks.

Yep, them, yeah. So the E-Loy are a threat for eating rich people who just sort of waft about being beautiful and useless like Gwyneth Poulchow and the Moorlocks are ugly underground poor people, and the hideous more locks, IKA poor people, have basically eat the rich. Right, that is our future. Yeah, it'll have served rich people right

if they don't have their act together in time for the future. Rich people on superfood diets are basically prepping themselves for delicious lunch. You know, the trend towards superfoods and expensive ass-eye smoothies mean rich people are hogging all the nutrients and leaving the bad food to the poor. It's an excellent development as we move inexorably towards this dystopian future. It is good to know who will be the most nutrient dense. I'm sorry, they started with Brexit, it went off track into a delicious

dystopia. Look, I don't, I'm not saying I want to eat with a poltro, I'm just saying, I'm just gonna leave the words grass-fed. And let you do the rest. Yeah, of course it's not gonna be a mad Max style dystopia. I've seen the mad Max films, there's people of color in them. I don't think, anyway, what are you owing about? I don't think, any what are you owing about? I don't think anyone, Nigel Fragers, I do, of Brexit,

is not Tina Turner in the ThunderDome. Also, it's the specificity, it's not like anyone has specifically said in public. I mean, we've all thought of it in private, it's not like anyone was saying, oh, this is going to cause a mad mic style. It's worrying that David Davis was that specific. It's like, if you lend someone a cap and they give it back to you and go, I didn't f*** it. You just immediately like, well, you definitely f*** this cap.

And now I have to burn this hat. Hat, hat. I thought you should cat it. You know what I'm saying? And I know how rigorous you are about doing all the empirical research for your jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the Daniel Day Lewis of cat f**king jokes. Nish Kumar would never talk about f**king pussy.

No, no, no, I'm sorry, that was too far. You're right. Um, Boris Johnson. Oh yeah, what's that f***ing thing? That's going to be the title of series 3 of the Master of Boys. It's basically work for any topical news show, wouldn't it? This week on What's That ****? Or the extended edition, what are those ****s up there? Like, that later in the week.

Some category of nude with niche. category of nude with niche. Yeah. I think it's... Um... Boris Johnson said, uh... Well, last week now, he insisted that Brexit was not a v-sign from the Cliffs of Dover,

which, as I pointed out in a Radio Show last week, is my favourite Vera Lin song. And, um... But actually, that is what a lot of people did vote for. It was in some of the UKIP literature, a 300 metre high v-sign on the cliffs of Dover, made out of pure British oak. The Sinn Frein president said the government does not have a viable plan. Again, that was laid out perfectly clearly before the referendum.

They suddenly come out of the viable plan. That will again be betraying the will of this nation. Yeah, I mean, it's all, it's going about as badly as we thought it was going to go. And just to go back to that V sign, Boris Johnson said that it isn't a V sign from the Cliffs of Dover, but we actually did that. I know that you have just bullshitted about it, but do you not remember Paddy Power erected a giant statue of Theresa May, flicking the V's dressed in a Union Jack dress? Like it literally looked like an EDL member's wet dream come to life. Like it was, it was really... And it was a fatture face instead of the Theresa May dress.

Um, poor old Theresa. But I think if you get a big enough V sign, then an a large bit of elastic, then you could use it as the catapult to fire all the illegal asylum grounds back to wherever they came from. And in this conversation, we have come up with a more specific plan for Brexit than the entire government, catapulting immigrants off the whitecl clips of Dover, at least it's a plan. Because they've gone for an away day in checkers, as we record today, they're currently at an away day to sort of hammer out a Brexit policy. Sort of the thing you probably should have done before you started Brexit.

And it's classic procrastination. I recognize this from any time I have a deadline for anything, you go away, you put it the government or anything like me within a couple of days. They'll all be collectively masturbating themselves into oblivion My working method is my working method That would be the perfect metaphor for Brexit Just an enormous conservative circle Jack It's March! In fictional and weaponry news now, young anti-gun activists in the US are fighting for their rights not be shot, but also doing it with a lot of Harry Potter placards.

And they are facing increasing criticism from the right for using Harry Potter analogies in their protest speeches and placards. Many on the right we are calling out the young protestors for taking who must not be named in vain, reminding us all that Harry Potter is a work of fiction and not a blueprint for how to organize your life, to which everyone else says, yeah, duh, at least it's better than organizing your life with reference to sex in the city, where everyone was all like, oh my god,

you're such a Miranda and I had to pretend to know who Miranda was. I mean, running your life according to a long running serial work of fiction is as good a way to do things as any, though I'm not super keen on the current trend among conservative politicians to choose as their guiding work, the Lord of the Flies, which, while a seminal coming of age, novel and brutal reflection on the nature of young masculinity outside the confines of civilized

society, is not a great maraud map for, for example, health care funding. Well, I guess that's all the Bible, which is similar of long-running fiction in some ways. There are the huge marches in America, the march for our lives across America, hundreds of thousands of people marching in favor of people not being gunned down as they go about their daily business. And it does seem that America has finally reached

a tipping point where there's a generational shift where enough people now do not want to be gunned down as they go about their daily business and that's now started to critically outmass those who do want to see other people gunned down as they go about their daily business and simultaneously be able to protect themselves from eroding dinosaurs. I guess they're having similar marches before in the past but perhaps this could be the moment when America finally has some vague vestiges of sense blasted into it. The gun lobby or the pro-death lobby, as they're also known, quite literally won't go down without a fight. And you know, they've, you hear them chanting out their cats phrases. So USA, USA, USA, for example, which stands for unbelievably stupid anachronism.

I do understand that it is, you know, it's an awkward thing, you know, historically, you want to respect the founding philosophies of the American nation, the eternal truths and wisdoms of the amendment squad as they may or may not have meant them in 1791. And you don't want to abandon those nation-defining thoughts, but at the same time, you're not entirely comfortable with the deaths of innocent people. It's kind of a kill-22 situation in a previous answer. It's no obvious answer, especially if you continually ignore the obvious answer. I mean, the problem for me is that the Harry Potter books were that bandwagon that everyone

jumped on that made nerds and book reading cool cool and I was the kid that was nerdy before it was cool to be nerdy. You know, I read books in trees like an aided light and arsehole. It's not cool when becoming a nerd becomes cool when you're a nerd because then you lose the one thing that makes nerd life tolerable which is feeling superior to the idiots who are bullying you. I also just missed the Hermione window. So when I was a frizzy head,

no at all, who couldn't keep her mouth shut, it was less, oh cool, Emma Watson, hashtag, I'm with her and more. Let's throw sandwiches at it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha follows March, correct? April. The last interview is our third co-host of today's vehicle. We attempted to introduce him last week and he didn't entirely work, so let's hope for a better this week, all the way from the United States of America. Your friend and mine, as printed out cell by cell, on my 3D printer, here is the fully functioning brain of American President Donald Trump. So amazing that you have that, are we going to bump him because we're right out of time.

Anyway, Donald, are you alright? Hello, Andy. Hello, Donald. Do you want to say hello to the audience? Hello, Budelvers! Hello Budelvers, yeah, that's nice. Right, here we go. So Donald, it's great, he's lovely, have you on the show? It's my great honor to be the guest on the Budel.

Right, good. So, that's how I'm doing, I mean, it's not really your target demographic or podcast listening crowd. They will not like me at all, and that's okay. You've left the liberal. Bluesards. OK, so I'm... So, anyway, Donald, yes, Andy.

I'm just... I think it's time maybe to reflect on your first year or so in charge. What do you think your first year and a quarter will be most remembered for? Reforms that lower the freedom, choice and opportunity for the American people. Excellent. And what's the ultimate goal now of your first term in office? We must fire all Muslims into space. Right, so it's all starting to stack up now. And the recent bombings in Syria, there's been some claims that they were not in accordance

with international law. Stupid fucking laws. You just don't like laws. They make my fucking life very, very difficult. That's been clear throughout your presidency. But what do you think, you know, if there's one, you know, maybe one thing to be more remembered for than anything else so far, what would it be? The hands? Oh, the hands, yeah.

Oh, my frankly disgusting hands. And what's your proudest achievement so far? We've made historic progress in crushing the spirit of the American public at a faster clip than ever before by far. And you know what other things that you think you'll be most of defined by at the moment? Russia? Russia, anything else? Peep, peep.

Okay. But if there was one thing so far that a finding aspect to your presence, what would it be? Me being the total gravity defying uranium level. Well, this that's honest, and you know, it's a appropriate way for an American presence to behave. I keep my campaign promises. Yeah, I guess you did a lay that card very firmly on the table. So, um, Donald, there's been many people have claimed that you're rather loose with the truth. Do you know a single fact?

Only one. One fact, and what is your one fact? Hello. Queen. What about Halloween? Is it, and could we like share your Halloween fact with the audience here in Australia? Did you know that Halloween began when Hillary Clinton turned a totally innocent little child into a very bad quality wooden desk? Hillary Clinton turned turned a child into a desk. Yes, yes, yes

Definitely happened to the best of my knowledge. Yes Yes, yes, yes. All right. That definitely happened. To the best of my knowledge. Yes. So the best of your knowledge is very different to what actually happening. But, and then what happened after that? She ate the whole fucking thing in one huge mouthful.

Right. Hillary Clinton ate the desk child. There was a horrible thing to watch. What? I don't doubt that for a second. I mean mean at least, I mean many people wish Hillary had been become president instead of you. I mean, she had more experience of the international world that you struggle with a bit. I mean, how you getting on with your neighbours in Canada right now?

I don't know fucking anything about Canada. Nothing at all. What is Canada? Is it a disease? Well, it's not a disease? Or maybe a type of mortified... That's not a type of motorbike either. Can I put my pub in its...

No! You cannot put your cock in Canada as Johnny Cash famously sang. Is shame. Really is shame. So, back to you, man. All right, all Alright, alright. Tom, I think, maybe you can meet our co-hosts, Donald. Firstly, Tom Ballard here. Hello, Tom.

Tom's been doing his own, you know, his satirical daily TV show here. Wow. So, quite patronising, Donald. So, hard to believe. But, um, no. So, um, so you know, you know. If you don't want to join this board, just imagine Eddie practicing this in front of the mirror.

So, you're not, you're not a fan of Tom's work. I like Tom. I mean, we have a lot in common. You have a lot in common. So you're not a fan of Tom's work? I like Tom. I mean we have a lot in common. You have a lot in common? Wow! Right, what do you have in common? Neither of us likes women.

In our own different ways. Yeah. In our own different ways. I have any questions for Donald? Yes, Mr. President. Mr. President, is the pleasure to meet you. I was just wondering, you know, you've been very successful in politics having had no experience at all. You've become the president of the U.S. I just wanted to give you any advice for people that they want to get into politics themselves.

It's a great question. Thank you. Simple, fair, and easy to understand. So what's your advice for people to get into politics themselves. It's a great question. Thank you. Simple, fair and easy to understand. So what's your advice if people want to get into politics? All you have to do is just abandon your voice, your hopes, your dreams, and above all else, your values and principles. So I mean just to boil that down, what are you going to do? You must act like a complete bar stud.

I must act like a complete bar stud. LAUGHTER And, uh, hang on, you couldn't get a clip of it just saying bastard? LAUGHTER No, no, to be honest, no, what? Anyway, it was late and, uh, uh, uh, uh, Donald, I know you're a massive fan of our other guest as well. A D.C. Middle! LAUGHTER Did I pronounce dead right by the way? I'm not sure you did pronounce it right. Have you got anything to say to a DT?

Do not enter any circumstances. Retempt to move to America! Anyway, oh this is my job. And now it's on to mate. Sorry, a bit of a trigger word for me at the moment. Cheating news and there has been some glorious cheating in Indian education. Now, it is a highly competitive country. It's doubled in population size in what, 30 years. Yes.

I think it's, I mean, there is some heroic levels of cheating in Indian education. Correct, Andy. And I think you're specifically referring to an incident in a particular part of India where some students decided to staple some currency notes to their answer papers as a means of connecting with their examiner. Yes. And I seem to have a small moral issue with this, whereas I, you know, where I'm from, you know, there is no way to stand out among 5,000 examinies by just your answers. No, no, that's fair.

So I think some ingenious students, and this is by entrepreneurship is thriving so well where I'm from, decided to put like a 500 to be a thousand to be don't staple it along with a poem and a joke, because you may go to jail for that ande, but you will admit the examiner will remember you. I was, you've got to jail for that andy, but you will admit the examiner will remember you I've always been impressed by cultures andy where when you bribe stuff things got done You know one of the difficulties in the culture I live in is when you take away bribery nothing gets done

Because that would just be expecting the individual to do their job for the salary they're getting That makes it a very boring world, Andy. Yes. I cannot function in a system where there is not a parallel system. So, I don't know about your culture, but I suppose your students write the answers and then hope to get in. Well, yes, I mean, we're not averse to the odd bit of cheating ourselves. And there was a story this week about you, kind of prominent YouTubers.

Yes. and there was a story this week about you kind of prominent YouTubers, which is, you know, people who apparently earn huge amounts of money from advising children to cheat in their exams, apparently. So yeah, it's just, each culture has its own different way of doing it. It was interesting as well that writing poems to examiners was a rather more kind of romantic way of going up going going about this appealing to their their soul, their heart rather than their wallet. I guess it I mean it again depends on you know what exactly you're right you know what you're exactly exactly you're writing in in that poem. Yeah some of them were romantic and some of them so and but some combined they had the poem they had had some jokes. So they wanted to show

the range of talents. So they did not know what a differential equation was. But they're like, you know, here's a limerick, there was a man from Madras, who had full subdress, here's a thousand rupees. And here's a joke, you know, 12 people walked into a bar. And so I'm saying, isn't an examination, you know, 12 people walked into a bar. And so I'm saying, isn't an examination, the point of it is to show a range of who you are as a human being. And also, I mean, again, I mean, this, what you've just said shows, on the issues in just facing in terms of overpopulation, that generally here, it's a man walks into a bar and you've gone with 12 men walking to a bar.

Right there. Right there. It's, it is, it is. Yeah. That's's the Mumbai version. Good thing a bar's a larger, they have Italian names and you 12 people walk in, right there. Everything is bigger, Andy. And you know, I think this is our kick system,

honestly, of ethical exam taking. Yeah. I think that it's boring for the examiners as well. Well, it is, and also, I mean, you look at the future, what skills are our children going to need? Yeah. Everything's going to be done by robots, sparking computers, you know, knowledge, no one can possibly be as knowledgeable as a, even a medium-sized memory chip these days. So, teach them the skills they will need. They're going to need mental flexibility. They're going to need, you know, as you say, bribery.

Correct. And most importantly, the element of surprise. Yeah. Because say if you're a GCSE examiner, you open a paper, assume it's still done on paper. Yeah. Everybody else has just answers. Right. This guy's put in a small marsupial.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. You have the answer. There's an element of surprise. You have a full attention. Full attention. Full attention, Eddie. And that's what we're exploring, Eddie. This is why we are the future of the world.

We're exploring things that you've traditionally introduced to us, like exams in the English language. And playing with it. They're hoping that perhaps the examiner is a lonely, pathetic, underpaid individual in a small town north of Pradesh. And for a second, there'd be some glimmer of love. Right. From an 18-year-old boy. It's very plato, actually. Yeah. That's very sort of... For a second, it's like, oh...

It's not very old to find so many positives in this story. I'm impressed. Andy, the summer is off. All right. The frost-knicks in a f***ing quittery, the coffee shops in in heat meet dumb and dumb, but when Harry Metz of international crazy men is officially Off Donald Trump canceled his proposed meeting with Kim Jong-Un via a letter yesterday afternoon Devastating blow for international relations and a real surprise in the same way that a surprise bar party is a surprise

In that it's not really a surprise by everyone's pretending to go through the motions. Yes, I think we've heard enough about you going through your motions already. So the, I mean, the talk, it was scheduled for Singapore. That's right. Coming, I mean, it's a huge, huge disappointment. I mean, probably the biggest disappointment of all is, there's always hidden losers in this. Yeah. And a commemorative coin glamorizing and vindicating and validating a murderous despot, which is really what these going to talk to all about, is now no longer

valid. I mean, they had they were selling the basic Donald Trump had a special coin made to commemorate this glorious occasion. Absolutely. Absolutely. The supreme leader, not even an inverted commissar, even Kim Jong Un doesn't really think he's fucking supreme. No. These coins are now obsolete. Disaster.

Very much like the commemorative mug marking the coronation of King Edward the H. It never happens that I made a book on e-bots a year ago. I love a bit of history, love a bit of merch. But to give Kim Jong Un his own, I mean, something years ago. Love of it, history. Love it, and much. But to give Kim Jong-un his own, I mean, it's one thing to butter up the missile wiggling bastard and mass poverty fan. For the practical purposes of making a nuclear war

marginally less likely. But to give him his own fucking coin. Yeah, I mean, it was a bizarre move. I mean, issuing a commemorative gold coin for an occasion that hasn't happened is a really bold move. It actually reminds me of an ancient proverb that my grandmother used to tell me when I was growing up. Now I'm translating directly from the mullion, so do bear with me. On the verge of success, the wise man Whites, while the foolish man commissions a f***ing stupid f***ing pointless gold coin that's

not even a coin and makes himself look like a complete f***ing f***ing.***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing So I mean what is what is the strategy behind because it does seem as whole thing is essentially some kind of improvisational ego-driven whack-a-mold politics. Yeah. So is it a game of clever political chess or a version of chess in which the only pieces are the penises of the two players, slung onto the chessboard? Your move. Oh nice. The Napoleonic opening.

Thank you, it's way bigger than Napoleon's. LAUGHTER Uh, Donald Trump sent a letter, which expressed regret that he would not be unable to carry out the meeting, but also included some thinly-veiled threats. When I say thinly-veiled, I mean, there was no veil. It was just a threat. He said, this is direct, quite from the letter.

You talk about your nuclear capabilities, but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used. This is the ultimate breakup letter, Andy. What Donald Trump is basically saying is, it's not me, it's you. And if you say it's me, I'll blow you to Kingdom Come with my massive nuclear arsenal.

I mean, that's when Bob Dylan was very much the master of the breakup. That was the mark. Yes. This is Donald Trump's blood on the tracks moment. Jeffrey Lewis from the Middlebry Institute of International Studies described the situation as a total goat rodeo. as a total goat rodeo. LAUGHTER Which... I mean, this you are under the age of 40,

so you know how young people talk. Is this a common phrase? I believe it's common parlance amongst the rappers, Andy. Total goat row... Also, my favourite Xbox stroke PlayStation, stroke numbs, gulks, idiot console game this year, total goat rodeo. I mean, could... I mean, I guess... PlayStation, Stroke, Numb's, Gulks, idiot console game this year, a total goat rodeo. I mean, could, I mean, I guess,

is he one of those phrases that just almost makes sense by sheer lack of sense? I mean, it does seem to fit the Trumpic presidency. Yeah, absolutely. A concept of a total goat rodeo. Yeah. It sounds like one of his failed businesses. Yeah.

Stakes, casinos, goat rodeo. Like, he wouldn't be out of place. Yeah. In the list of things, he's completely fucked up. It could possibly even be emerging off his stake and Casino business. Yes. Yeah.

And yet, somehow he still comes out. That's the problem that I have with the coin because the White House dropped the price from $24.95 to $19.95, which I would argue is still $20 to expensive. It should cost minus 5 cents. Also, new mismatists, which I believe is the name for people who like coins a lot, say it should be referred to as a medallion because it has no denomination, so it's completely f**king worthless. But so many people bought it when the price was slashed, that the White House gift shop website crashed. And it's like the most American thing ever,

like a celebration of absolute stupidity. But it's typical of Donald Trump, in that somehow, no matter how badly he fucks up, he still makes money. It's a genius. And rounding off this week's a bugle compilation, June. The world is a bugle. The world is a bugle. In Baby Jails News now, Trump has declared his intention to end the inhumane separation

of immigrant families, a policy that ended up in mass outcry after the creation of what are being called, tender age facilities, aka, Baby Jails. I love babies, they are adorable, it's their only survival mechanism is being so adorable you can't put them in the bin But that is why this policy is so inexplicable. How detached do you have to be from reality to think baby jail is a good idea? Babies need hugs and love and someone to puke on they don't need tiny prison tattoos And a bucket to puke in I mean this is a is a bizarre story and Trump has ridden to the rescue of his own

dock-fetted soul by growing back on his own policy. I'm not sure that gets in many credit points, be honest. Behind this also Mike Pence, Manavir yet again from the influential magazine The Christian Hipper Crit. Jeff Sessions or to give him his actual full name, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, the first. And the Jefferson and Beauregard, those two names have passed down through two generations of the Sessions family, both Confederate war heroes. So they've started with that through several generations of the Sessions, but anyway, let's not judge him on his family names. He's even been criticized by members of his own church for using the Bible to justify Cajing children. He quoted Romans 13. Romans 13, of course, sounds to me like a disappointing effort in a game of Empire V, Empire Snooker, when the Romans ran out of position after putting red,

black and red had a run up to bolt to take the green, but then that's himself poorly positioned for the next red, which although possible, left him with no angle to get on another colour leading to an ill-advised long pot on a tricky peak and a break, letting the Assyrians in with the red spread in an opportunity to clinch the frame in one visit. Romans 13. I mean Andy. Yeah. Time to long train journey. A political satire does not equal imaginary snowcake.

Why did you not tell me that 15 years ago? My career could have been so different. There was this bizarre policy to separate children from their parents, which as a parent I know is not generally a good idea in terms of not ending up with screaming children. And particularly if you then put those children in, as you described, a baby cage. I mean tears will flow. There, I mean there's no one likes to cry. And not the cool little ones that you tattoo on your face like prox it. It suits you very well. He's sort of never been moving to end this state of affairs that he directly brought about

himself while demanding congratulations and blaming all the bad stuff on the Democrats. We have always been at war with Oshiania. Like, I used to think you watched the news to find out what was going on in the world, but now I watch it to find out what side I meant to be on of an argument. I didn't know existed yesterday But he's now fundamental to my self-conception and moral status that I need to argue for on Twitter while I'm on the bus today So that it's been replaced with this new slightly vaguely word of executive order to slam up families together vaguely worded executive order to slam up families together or maybe they're going to sew them together into end. We don't know at this early stage, or maybe strapping together and catapult them back to Latin America or wherever they come

from. More than 2,000 children were separated from their parents as a result of the so-called zero tolerance policy, zero tolerance for immigration and basic human deity and simple manners, really. And I mean, it looks bad for now. But let's try and find the positive in this Alice. I think of the joyous emotions when just a few of those 2000 plus children are reunited with their parents. Surely those inspiring heartlifting moments are worth the slightly gilly-addish awkwardness of seeing screaming children locked in cages.

Sure. We'll get back to you on that one. This is looking on the bright side in the way that you refuse to put a piece of paper in front of your eyes when you're looking at the sun during an eclipse. It also helps us appreciate our own lives and our own offsprungs more because as they say freedom is never truly appreciated until it has been taken from someone else's child and shown on telly in a cage. And of course, I heard that one as freedom is never truly appreciated until it's shat on by c*****. LAUGHTER That's my favourite male fragrance as well. LAUGHTER Shat on.

Gunt. LAUGHTER The problem politically, I guess, Alice, is that ripping children away from their parents and putting them in cages might be fun, but it has a tendency to produce what media wants might describe as bad visuals. LAUGHTER And to be fair, to Trump as well, from his own personal background, tendency to produce what media wonks might describe as bad visuals.

And to be fair to Trump as well, from his own personal background, he had no way of knowing that people might actually like their own families. Even love them, rather than viewing the machista expedient process. He probably thought he was doing them a favor. God wanted to get rid of all of my families. There you go. Half the year backed up and put in the freezers to be forgotten about, discovered again in 20 years time behind the bag of extremely out-of-date frozen peas and thrown in a bin.

The bugle will be simultaneously carrying on exactly as normal and slightly relaunching in the new year, details still to be confirmed, but we may be calling on your support through 2019. A quick reminder that if you've forgotten to buy Christmas presents for your friends, family or foes, come to my Soho Theatre show, it runs until the 5th of January on and off. Also, there will be a bugle tour of North America. That's coming in late February and early March, there are some dates already on sale and we'll have a full announcement over the next couple of weeks. Also, I'm doing a live bugle show at the Glasgow Comedy Festival on the 19th of March.

Roll up, roll up, into a ball in the corner of a darkened room and think about what the world has done this year. By which I mean, happy bugle Christmas. Tune in next week for all the thrilling action from Planet Earth July to December 2018. Until then, as the 1970s glam rockers wizard should have sung, I wish it could be Christmas once a year. I'm learning to set achievable goals. Watch and learn Britain. Until next week, goodbye. you