The Bugle - 4135 - Decade starts badly

Episode Date: January 4, 2020

Andy, Nato and Tiff focus on the new decade and other fun things - like Iran, violent Popes and Cheese. May contain highly sexual subway dreams.Subscribe to The Last Post, our new daily show with Alice Fraser: http://pod.link/TheLastPost Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers and welcome to the first Bugle of the rest of time, not for the first time, of course, but also the first Bugle of a brand new decade for only the second time in the history of decades. I am Andy Zoltzmann. It is now the year 2020 and I am frankly no fucking happier about that than you are But this time is irritatingly good at its job and this all we can do about it So happy new decade bugles and welcome to a the second 50th of the millennium Which I am counting is starting in the year 2000 because that's when the fireworks were and B

Issue 4,135 of the bugle audio, for a world who's slavish obsession with the visual seems to exacerbate by the minutes of which there are still more than 5 million to go in this decade. So, strap in. We'll be bringing you world exclusive coverage of everything of relevance that happens in every single one of those minutes anywhere. To join me in this first first people of the 2020s. I'm joined in London firstly by a resplendently pink head tiff Stevenson. Hello yeah I'm in the pink you know as soon as the election happened I was depressed for a day and then I went I'm just gonna put neon on my head. That will help. That will help everything.

It has helped everything. It has helped everything actually just having a bit of brightness. I mean it's quite full on. I'm hoping it will tone down a bit, but it doesn't seem to be going away. It's stuck on my head. I look a bit like Adria. I don't even look like French even Greece. I look a bit more like Day Medina. It's kind of almost tipping into a neon sort of violet colour. But you know, I'm all for it. I'm happy about, would you ever dye your hair Andy?

Not really I don't like to interfere with the curses of nature frankly so I'll just just let it disintegrate. Just let it go free. Yeah. Yeah. Of course John Oliver dyed his hair pink for every single bugle he ever did that's a little known fact. Oh yeah of course of course yeah I must how could I forget that. And also joining, I have no idea what colour is Harris currently. All the way from San Francisco, it's NATO Green. When is the US bugleros? Police had you no way of policing Avidad at all those? Absolutely. To be honest, when I hear words like that, I just automatically assume a plate of hammers in the office. Is Feliz Navidad, is that Merry Christmas in Spanish? Yes, yes it is.

Oh cool, there we go. Just some basic RCC creeping in there to save me. Also terrific baseball player. Played for the Mexico City Mayhem, back in the 1970s. So, NATO, how's your decade going so far? So far so good. I survived the Christmas holidays. You know, as a Jew, the Christmas time is challenging for me. I don't really know that much about Christianity and everything that I learned. I learned from the line in the Witch of the Wardrobe. Right. So basically, as far as I can tell, about the way that Christianity works,

is that the children in the CS Lewis books escape the Nazi bombing of London by going into a cabinet and discovering a magical wonderland, and that cabinet escape plan did not work out so well for Anne Frank. So that's what I know about Christianity. Right. Yeah. Also, what about Hanukkah? Hanukkah. Escape plan did not work out so well for in Frank. So that's what I know by Christianity, right Also would have been what about Hanukkah I don't know

I don't want to really bang on about Hanukkah again On this on this show of the candles are still still warm and and melty So let's let's gloss over that. I've heard I've heard it was a cracking one this year Tip have you ever enjoyed a Latka? I have, yes. Yes. I mean, I'm all over the Latka. It's spectacular. All over the Latka. You can't beat a good Latka.

Is it a potato cake? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, okay, all right. I was just going, is it that or is it like a sweet dessert type thing? I don't know if you're supposed to put the candles in the potato cake or not. I'm okay. Okay. I'm okay.

It's not potato cake that I'm getting a feeling is not potato. Oh, there's a potato cake. Oh, it is. Yeah. Well, it's only last time I heard that word, which is a long time ago and much harder. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin, including this week, a special section, everything to look forward to in the 2020s. That section has gone in the bin after two and a bit days of the decade It is in the bin for reasons we will touch on later in the show also in the bin the special guide how to explain the news to your children without using the word

That is currently completely absolutely Top story this week. it's the 2020s. Now, I don't know if you guys make new years resolutions. I've resolved not to this year. And it's going pretty well. It's going pretty well, so you've kept your resolution. I have, yeah. I have a clear self-defeating really. I always set myself to do 30 days of yoga with Adrian at the beginning of the year. I don't know how many bugle is night. Do you know Adrian? NATO? No. Do you know yoga?

I do know yoga, yes. We have a law in San Francisco that every white woman between the age of 20 and 35 is legally required to do yoga. The trumps were asked what their New Year's resolutions were. Melania Trump said, peace on the world and her husband, Donald Trump, replied, peace is right, but I'm not sure you're supposed to say a resolution out loud. I'm not sure quite where he got that idea from. And Donald Trump to be fair to him did not say his new year's resolution out loud. He dropped it from the f***ing sky

on an Iranian general because, well why not set a new record for the shortest time for a decade to turn fully shit? I mean it's been two f***ing days we had of this decade before things got funky. Yeah, what hold on? Can I just unpack that while you're not supposed to set out loud?

It's not like a birthday wish No, that what's he's confusing it with like when you blow out candles? Yes, other things you're not supposed to say out loud I think in his mind include facts and evidence Correct information testimony Yeah, we're hardly into the to the new decade and there's already it was trending on Twitter as World War 3 And I thought about this because I think I listened to the Joe Rogan podcast. We're going to get a bit podcast inceptiony here. But he was on there recently talking about when the first time the war in Iraq began,

that he was at Doug Stanhope's house and they said war coverage starts at five. And Doug apparently said, oh my god, there's a kickoff for the war. And now we're sort of seeing it again now, I feel like the hashtag, it's like, war is becoming memeable. I mean, what does that say about us as a society? That was literally trending last night on Twitter. Happy times.

I mean, it does seem to be a NATO that extra judicial slaying seem to be some kind of badge of honor amongst world leaders. And maybe Trump just getting embarrassed having to rock up to his monthly golf and karaoke night with the Saudi Arabian royal family, unable to match their body count. Right, I mean, Trump mostly wants to be able to pre-inabout and talk about what a bad guy, this Iranian general, Solomani, I think his name is uh... custom solemany uh... was and that he was such a horrible person

and uh... the democrats the the fit face with the least popular president american history uh... who's currently tied up with an impeachment scandal their for for additional instinct uh... that has led them to victory time and time again is to try to see both sides.

So the Democrats are falling all over themselves to agree with Trump that Soleimani was a bad guy in the enemy to America and that probably we should have drowned him illegally and started a war, but with more congressional oversight, they would have preferred a different procedure to reach the inevitable worldwide conflagration. Well, I guess I'm going to put this in perspective, and it's only one extra judicial slaying of a senior military figure from a large well-equipped military power in a region that has been a political tender box pretty much ever since God said, yeah, I'll just whack it there. I'm just going to go over, just the one.

I mean, as you said, it took basically about 0.1 seconds before the words, Archduke Franz Ferdinand started trending. And within minutes, Hollywood had announced there are a new blockbuster war movie set to start coming out in around eight to 10 years' time after a brief dignity pause. I mean, what's the strategy here, NATO? As an American, I can't remember if you're a member of the US government or not,

but I mean, what, I mean, is American strategy now think more than 280 characters ahead? No, no, the, basically, the, you know, you keep, you watch what's happening and you keep hoping that at some point, the deep state that we've heard so much about will rear its ugly head and a Cert control over the levers of Ford policy, but that's not happening. Like have you ever have you ever heard about that? There's certain kinds of like worms that their memory only lasts one minute and that so then if that it takes them like 75 seconds to die the only memory that they have is from their perspective, their entire life is spent dying.

That's sort of what American politics is right now. I hope. That's so funny and bleak. We've, I don't know if you've seen any of the tweets being fired back at Donald Trump over the fact that he was obsessed with Obama starting a war with Iran. So people have flagged these up to Donald Trump going back to 29th November 2011. I mean, what a decade it's been.

In order to get elected, Barack Obama will start a war with Iran. October 9th 2012, now that Obama's poll numbers are in a tailspin, watch for him to launch a strike in Libya or Iran. He is desperate. September 2013, I predict that President Obama will at some point attack Iran in order to save face. And then on the 25th of September 2013, remember what I previously said, Obama will someday attack around in order to show how tough he is. So from that we can take that Donald is desperate trying to save face. He's already elected, so he's not doing it for that. And trying to show how tough he is in his own words.

And also trying to be the Barack Obama that Barack Obama never had the courage to be. Trump's dream. I would say this is possibly the worst start to a decade since the asteroid matched up the dinosaurs on the second of January in the year 66 million BC. Can you think of a worse, like a more inauspicious beginning to ten years of universe history? Because I can't remember what the beginning of 2010 was really. Like, you know, I can remember my own personal milestones. I mean, it was a great year for Edinburgh shows. Right.

Because I did one. Yeah. But I mean, some people in the world may see that as the worst start. To a decade. Well, actually, the show I did that year was called Dictators. And it was, who was it? It was Hitlar, McGarby, Gaddafi, Ok magazine and my mum. The big five. So I think I think we expect to see my mum really rise. Your mum probably had the best

decade of any of those people in that show. Certainly way better than Gaddafi. And I mean is this what how far reaching do we think the implications of this You did. You did. You did. You did. You did. You did. You did. Certainly. Why better than Gaddafi? And I mean, is this, how far reaching do we think the implications of this are? Well, I don't know. Night night, I watch it. I mean, what's the sense in America?

I mean, I have people reacted to this, this, this, this, this act. Well, it's been interesting to watch social media because since the bombing occurred, I've been monitoring the feed on my on my Twitter and mostly the general consensus as I scroll through my timeline is people saying this is really bad it's gonna lead us into war we need to unequivocally oppose this kind of wagging the dog for in policy of the president trying to distract from his domestic problems. And then sort of plopped in the middle of it will be people who are completely checked out entirely, who are like, you know, back to the gym, rising grind or whatever.

So it's always fun when there's like a, it's when you're following something on social media when there's a national crisis and then someone who's completely not paying attention and is on something totally trivial. You know, when I think back to the beginning of the last decade that how this measures up, you know, Obama had just been elected at the United States and you know, it was he had taken office a year earlier and people were still talking about whether America was post-racial. And... I mean, I love that. Noting of stuff going through when one country, something's happening in one place,

and the rest of Twitter seems to be unaware, that happened. I think during the Oscars, it must have been 2016 when we'd all just discovered that our Prime Minister had banged a pig. And all through the American timeline, it come up with like, just like, who's going to get best at risk? Ah, what a gag. And we're like, stop. Our Prime Minister banged a pig.

And America just didn't seem to be interested in it. And we're like, yeah, pig, Schmig. I mean, that's libelous, of course. He didn't bang a pig. He was felated by a dead They were like, yeah, pig smig. I mean, that's libelous, of course. He didn't bang a pig. He was felited by a dead pig. Sorry, yeah, sorry. I don't want to get a suit. Wait, I just want to be clear. Are you saying that you have an orbit, felited by a dead pig? Well, I mean, it depends what school

you went to. And it depends on how I did describe my ex-boyfriend. I don't know. Family show. Family show. I did do a rundown of the decade in the style of Billy Jolls. We didn't start the fire if you want to hear it. It is a fascinating decade to look back on the 2010s that have just passed. I mean, how is the future going to jump in your official historian of the music? I'm the official historian, as of now, in song form. I'll give you the past decade.

Huge decade Brexit Trump, lepper printer reason, my South Pacific most horrific volcano, Gamer's Roans Breaking Bad, Golden Age Television, North Korea, South Korea, Epson had to go, Kardashian's Arambe, Putin, Pikachu, me, to the Prince of Nyan, fascism is on the rise, true, do anti-vaccine, England's got a gold piano queen, David Byd, Professor Snape, Thomas Cook, goodbye. Oh, almost got it out in one breath, yeah, and I kept some of the original song in. I just chatted to change vaccine to anti-vaccine,

one of the terrifying trends of the last decade. I do think future generations, looking, I've got my speculate on this before. I think this decade has proved that time travel will never be developed. Because if time travel was ever developed, at some point in the last 10 years, some order pitched up from the future saying,

what the f*** are you guys doing? Yes. All that opportunity you're doing this, you f***ing idiots! Wake up! Yeah, yeah, there's definitely no time travel, because everyone would have gone through and deleted every tweet or Facebook or social media posts they ever made just for fear of being cancelled or else I'd call it, which is to be so frozen by cancel culture you just never bother posting anything. I don't know what to do. That's the future. The future will be pre thought. It'll be like minority report. They'll go in our heads and they'll

think about what we were going to say before we even put it on Twitter. Do you see a future, I'll throw it out to the night out across the Atlantic as well, where people can be sat from significant jobs due to things that they may at some point think to themselves. Infliction. Yes. I think so. It's not far off, is it?

I mean, we don't have to, I think we're not far off developing technology where we think tweet. Because I reckon in the future, mobile phones, you'll have your iPhone, it'll be connected via your umbilical lightning cable. So just plug straight into you. You're supposed to have that taken off, but you still got mine. I'm still plugged in. I'm still plugged into Apple.

I've jammed my iPhone completely up my ass just to be prepared. I've just waiting for the for the guy to come round to connect the cable. Right. Well that's a good place for it. Well if it's anyone got one of those is it way way phones? What they call the way way? The Chinese ones? Well way, a wall way phone so you can have that like grafted like directly onto your face. Right. And then, you know, everyone will get to see what you're seeing first person. Probably just replace your eyes. Well, that's just something that is the future, I think. Yeah. The Apple eyeball. NATO, how do you look back on the last, the last, the last 10 years? Before, before we look ahead to the 2020, just a quick, you know, you're the night or green summary of the 2010s as a decade.

Oh, I mean, you know, look, the 2010s, it was a great decade. You know, Obama was president and you know, he had been a community organizer that was very exciting. And he, you know, and people thought that he was using his presidency as a teachable moment about the futility of electoral politics.

The, that we had the, the Occupy movement, the movement of the, of the 99% against the 1%. It was incredible and it was inspiring. And, and we also realized that Occupy, that 99% is a lot of people. And it includes a lot of assholes. And it's hard to have a philosophical belief in the idea of the 99% and then know who it actually consists of. Like I always wanted to leave a few people out of my 99% like I believe in the 99% except for people who work in human resources

and Jennifer from high school who broke my heart. I mean, I just wanna leave a few people out of the 99%. We had many more prominent women taking role in leadership in politics. We had the emergence of female leaders like Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin who Seemed like they were the kind of people who would be very enthusiastic about making baking muffins for a lynching And I'm not I'm not saying that they like that that's the woman's role as to bake muffins for lynching. I'm saying that I believe that they are capable and willing to fully participate in the lynching but just are you know like I'll know that a lady

doesn't shop at a social event. Well they'll set things on fire and then they can do a nice baked Alaska couldn't they? That would be Sarah Paylon's specialty. Baked Alaska. And now they say Trump is destroying our democracy, but to be fair, we weren't using it. So... You appear to have dropped this. Yeah. Let's look ahead now to the next 10 years. Well, slightly less than 10 years, I'm already looking forward to the 2030s.

I mean, surely at some, I mean, Trump is reaching a point where now he's going to have to issue not just a presidential pardon to himself, but a booklet of, you know, 50 presidential pardon vouchers for himself, maybe plus an extra 10 for bulk purchase. NATO, this is going to be the year of impeachment and election. It's going to be a curious year for America politically. How do you see it ending? Well, here's what's going to happen. I mean, is, look, part of the strategy around impeachment is going to happen. I mean, is look, you know, part of the strategy around impeachment is, is just to use the procedure itself to, to, you know, roundabout sort of way, assassinate the president. The expectation is that if we, if, if the House Democrats continue to

vote for impeachment and hold hearings, and then people surreptitiously send fried chicken and ribs and cheese cake to the White House. The president's heart will just explode as he storms around seething and shouting at people. And we'll be done with him. The expectation is that the Senate will not vote to go through with it and he'll remain in office because the senators are craving cowards and have nothing else to stand on. But at some point by 2030, Trump will be behind us. That right now when we look around the world, we're surrounded.

Trump, Boris Johnson, Netanyahu, Orban Putin, a bunch of creeps, people who would be fascist, but they're too stupid to do it. But by 2030, they'll be gone. Will they be pressed for life? They could be both, but I think they'll be gone and people will wake up as if it was a gross dream, like a dream where you're having sex with a much older relative on the subway. Like people wake up feeling queasy and ashamed.

Or like when you're, you know how, you have a friend in a totally dysfunctional and abusive relationship and everyone can see it, but them and the person they're in love with forbids them from hanging out with their old friends and then finally the other person predictably leaves them for a younger, hotter lover and your friend comes back around and says,

why didn't you tell me? And you're like, we tried, buddy, but you wouldn't listen because you were so excited that you both liked the Fuji's. That's, that's, that's going to be what it's like when we get to the other side of this moment in history. Well, I mean, that's, it's good to have a note of optimism to throw into this, this, this podcast. I don't think there'll be behind us. I think that they'll, they'll make themselves praise for life. And that's going to happen. My hope for political leadership is technology really and and the use of deep fake, which has generally been seen

in a negative way. But you know, would the Labour Party not take a deep fake Clement Attlee at this point? Yeah, would America not take deep fake Franklin Delano Roosevelt? I think most Americans would vote, would Italy take a deep-fake Franklin Delano Roosevelt. I think most Americans would vote would Italy take a deep-fake Julia Caesar. F*** yeah. And, um, how far do we have to reach? I mean, 2020 is the year of hindsight, so I'm hoping we just, it'll be the year that we all learn from our past mistakes, alternatively, everything will be on fire.

Well, you say this could be the humanity learned from its past mistakes, but obviously one of the great mistakes of humanity is the failure to learn from its past mistakes and we keep failing to learn from that mistake. So I think it's just an unending circle of refusing. I mean, the problem is if we start learning from our mistakes, we're going to have to admit that we got things wrong. And that is not easy to do as a human being, to point that finger of blame into your own eyeball, no, no. Or shove your own iPhone up your ass. I mean, the choices are there. I think I think it will just be one, there will just be one city and everyone will live in it.

Right. And it just be baby Trump on the wall wailing and people will fling like a taco bell to him via catapult and you know. When you're workshopping your new sci-fi, we've been doing it for a while. I am. It's going to have the only television show be good morning Britain with Pears Morgan on a loop where he'll be vlogging vegan sausage rolls. No, so he'll be forcing them onto people because I think that's what he thinks happening at the moment because you know,

a Pulseery Vegan Saucidrol. A Pulseery Vegan Saucidrol or State Baked because he's so obsessed with it. Like literally no one's forcing you to buy it. Yeah, oh, you're not rid of the Magna Carta, have you? No one's rid of the Magna Carta. And Greg's have a charter from 1215 in which they are legally entitled to force people to eat vegan sausages.

Right, okay. That's a fact. Well, it's in our future then, plus a multi-headed Johnson. You know, like, is it Severus? The Severus, yeah. Severus, yeah. So like, like is it Severus? The Severus, yeah. Yeah, so I think it would be like Boris, Stanley and Rachel. Right.

Like a three-headed one. Right, that's all. Just appearing on every panel show in place of like a human. That optimism is draining away. I have great faith in technology. I think technology can solve a lot of our problems, including prejudice, because we tend to cling on to our prejudices for a long time, you know, for thousands of years of prejudice. But I think with technology, we could have a new local, national, even global nemesis on

a sort of monthly rotating basis. So you don't have time for that hatred to get sort of baked into kind of intergenerational prejudice. I like jury duty. Yeah,, we just swap them in and out. Yeah, and you know, you could have one month, you know, the government just turns all its hostile fire and the tabloids have a guy with men who like golf or everyone from Nantwitch or Dungeons and Dragons fans and then you just move on. So, you know, I think, you know, everyone will get a turn to be a target of that. You just. So, you know, I think, you know, everyone will get a turn to be a target of that.

You know, you get your, you know, your month, maybe one month every two or three years, one of your social groups is the victim of this. Is this like the minute of hate? It sounds like O'William. I'm sure there's something in 1984 where they do two minutes of hate and everyone has to stand in front of the TV

and like boo and hiss. Yes, well, I mean, whoever that person is. As I think I've talked about the other the other that we do seem to be looking more and more to George Orwell as a textbook chapter on the country so yeah it was supposed to be a piece of fiction everyone. Clearly there's going to be some sensational technological breakthroughs this decade I mean it's amazing to think of all the technology that's been developed over the past 10 or 15,000 years from the papyrus to the directionally controllable horse to the bucket to the smartphone. So what will be coming in the next 10 years? Now, I'm just going to pick up on social media.

I think there will be an app that conducts all social media for us, so we don't have to do it ourselves. And then it just generates all our tweets, our Facebook postings, our Instagrammaphones and all the rest. And then it just automatically sends it to someone else's social media, which is also acting independently of them. So it's really just a virtual fury pit in which humans are no longer involved.

Right, so it's just algorithms. Which is... It's now just algorithms calling Which is how it is now. Just algorithms calling each other ****. Yes. I like the idea of that. It would give us all more time,

more mental energy to go about life in the old style, a bit safe in the knowledge that on our behalf, our social bot is calling someone else's social bot a **** **** stain on our behalf. Yeah, and I'll be happy because I'll be spending all my time with my robot husband. There we go. We're building a better world.

Also I can see home self composting funerary pods for the E-Colo wear corpse that's formally known as a hole in the ground in the back garden. And an E-dog, I think this could be the decade of the E-dog. Oh, not like the cheaters that they have at Boston, is it Boston Tech? Right. Those terrifying robot dogs that have a stealth mode where they hide in leaves. And then jump out and everyone's like, that's so cute and I was like,

I know that's kill mode. Like why would robot dogs need to hide in leaves? What a terrifying time to be alive. I do think there is a way of kind of like, we might self-preserve, you know, if you drink enough, you can probably pickle yourself slowly over a number of years. I mean, I've been trying.

I think that the self-composting funeral pods is a thing already. My stepmother asked to be buried in a worm suit so that to accelerate when she passes away, to accelerate the composting process Right, is this is this one of your other dreams about elder elder relatives because I seem to be pretty weird later This this is peak San Francisco chat right here. So a worm suit as in a suit made of live worms rather than like a pantomime worm suit As if you're playing a worm in a Christmas theatrical production. No a suit made of live worms rather than like a pantomime worm suit as if you're playing a worm in a Christmas theatrical production. No, a suit made of live

worms. Wow. When is that is that? Apparently that's an option that's available and there's an app for it and you can get a guy with no pension to come and deliver to your house. Right. And I mean, I mean, I guess if you're not feeling very well and a huge box is full of worms, start arriving at your house, you have to start questioning the motors of your family. Oh, and also those poor worms, they've only got a 60 second memory.

Every 60 seconds they're gonna go, oh, I'm on a dead body, oh my god, I want to, oh, I'm on a dead body. This dead body is a bit gamey. I would like the technology where the world can tilt on its axis so you don't have to turn your phone on its side to view something. Right. So if the world could like correct rather than,

you know about you're moving your hair, your phone does that thing. Yeah. If it's not on lock and it flips around and it's annoying. So really just tilt the earth. Right. For my benefit, that would be a useful piece of technology. I mean, I'll touch King Canutie that isn't it? But I have ambitions. I think other things I'd like to see happen. I'd like to see the installation of a kiss camera at the United

Nations. I think that would improve the quality of international discourse and peace. Because no one can resist a kiss camera, can they? No. Well, you feel the pressure, don't you? I mean, I'm wondering if we're far off, like, instead of kissing someone doing just something rank-consexual with an elderly relative. I mean, I think we need to close that horrific tunnel down. Sorry, four choices of words. But with the current crisis, if you sit America and Iran next to each other at the UN, no one can resist to Kiskam, put a Kiskam on them, crisis has voted. Oh, yeah, but I mean, no one wants to see that. No one wants to see it, but for the good of humanity,

we would all take Trump and the Iranian president. I went to my... It's mochi for the good of the world. First ever baseball game, I went to see the Yankees, and there was a Kiscam at that and someone asked someone to marry them, but then it sort of cut away, and I was like, oh my god, that means they said no, right? I don't, it's terrific. The tension is unbearable. To be honest, out of all the appalling things

that happen in the world, I do believe that marriage proposals on big screens at sporting events are the absolute pits. That anyone who perpetrates those should be instantly barred from ever being in a relationship ever again. War criminal. Yeah. War criminal. We asked you, our bugle listeners, for your questions about the fourth coming decade

and our eminent panel of futurerologists, Tiff and Nightle, all endeavour to answer them as best as possible. This came from Jack. The 1920s were the era of Fedoras. What headwear will define the coming decade? I'm gonna say that the hat of the 2020s will be the Panama hat. It's lightweight and comfortable.

We'll provide the needed protection from the sun, its climate change, makes protecting yourself from the sun, all the more important. And the Panama hat perfectly captures the racist spirit of our age, as it is called the Panama hat, captures the racist spirit of our age as it is called the Panama hat but was invented in Ecuador. It complements the statement, all you brown people look the same to me. Chair, if I mean a fashionable person? Well, yeah, absolutely. I mean, all things being relative on this podcast. How rude. I rude to myself, wasn't it?

Do I manage to insult us both in the end? Well, I would say with my pink hair at the moment, there's absolutely no reason to cover my head. But I would say we scotch bonnet, just for, you know, which will become a symbol of the scotch freedom from the tyranny of the United Kingdom, because I think they're going to leave. So the little tartan one with the, yeah. Not a lethally hot pepper. Not a leek dilly hot vet. No, I thought you meant a leaf, like a hat from leaf. So I'm very confused. Yeah, I mean, but yeah, hats will be important,

like NATO says, I suppose, to protect your head from the complete lack of ozone layer. Personally, the watermelon, I mean, it's Australia's greatest contribution to world culture, I think the watermelon hat. And, yeah, I think that's pretty much. I only hope at the moment. This question came from um Dan and Nana known who asks what would you like to turn out to be a

hoax tiff? Jacob Reeves Mogg. I'm sort of hoping he isn't real and he was in fact a Frankenstein's monster created by Waddington's games. Right. Because he's a f***ing Clude O piece. So I'd like him to be a hoax. I'd like the results of the recent general election to be a hoax. But they were a hoax, but they were a hoax under first pass of the post, so they're a legal hoax. Oh, right. Yeah, so, so, yeah, those would be my two. I'm pretty much everything that's happened in the last 10 years.

But I like all my personal good stuff. I'm hoping global warming will turn out to be a hoax. I mean, it's not looking good at the moment, but no smoke without fire. Unless I mean, the idea that global warming is a hoax could itself be a hoax, in which case the whole process becomes self perpetuating, I think.

Well, Australia is supposed to be a hoax, the entire country isn't it? Yes. So that's a current conspiracy theory. Yep. So it could be, sort of, hope it is, because then all of this awful stuff that was happening there wouldn't be happening and it was all a hoax. This came from Rory who asked, what were the top stories of January 1920?

The world was settling down in the aftermath of the First World War to think, well, there will probably be no more war ever, given that that was the war to end all wars. The Treaty of Versailles was working an absolute treat after a couple of months. I think it had been... I didn't even mean signed by January 1920. I'm not entirely sure. England had been under-feated and test cricket for over six years. Or be it only due to a large war. The Queen had not been born yet but was still fucking amazing.

America's generally had a bit of trouble starting the 20s decades of centuries. On the 5th of January 1920, Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees. So Americans doing fucking stupid things and the first we're giving you a decade in the 20s is not a thing exclusive to this millennium. I think to be fair, the 1918s and 1990's were not great for America, because the Spanish flu made it over. There was the New Orleans Axmerdera prohibition. So they were going in sober and rough.

Kenders rule asks, what color goes best with apocalypse? I need to make wardrobe decisions now before the rush. It's good to plan ahead. Yeah, as the fashion correspondent for the Beagle, I would say I always find that with all the trees and plant life gone, if you want for floral, you're sort of really going to stand out firstly. That would be my first suggestion. Also, you need to think about bunker where you want fabrics that are breathable when you're slowly running out of air. So maybe let some light cotton or something with moisture wicking. You don't want to be the embarrassment, you know,

like you don't want the embarrassment of sweat when it's the end of the world. And finally, I would say, accessorize, accessorize it. Any human body parts you may have taken during the purge can be fashioned into a nice earring. Like a literal earring, you can mount it on the ring pool from your canned goods. So you would have an earring, a ring of an ear, and I think that would be a very crafty when it comes to the end of the world. I've got a lot of suggestions. And quickly Chesterfield Zoydberg asks, are the proposed changes of test cricket to a four day rather than five day times ban a sign of the end of times? Yes, yes, they clearly are. They clearly are. I mean, what is, of the end of times, yes, yes they clearly are, they clearly are. I mean what is, what is the point of cricket match that lasts less than five days? I have to say, I mean that's the whole,

if anything, I should be going along. Pope news now and well the start of New Decay, the Pope has been in action with a, well I've got quite a ficed little wrestling move. Yeah, with a woman trying to kiss his ring. The papal ring grow up. Well, she did yank in his arm quite aggressively and the pope sort of shook her off in quite an annoyed, slightly unpoppy way. But I guess, you know, if you're Pope.

Wasn't very Pope-a-fied. No. He was saying it was a hygiene thing. He doesn't want people touching him which is a bit of a problem because it's in the job description. Yeah. If you're Pope. So he so on one side of the world we've got the Pope refusing to shake any one's hand and then on the other side of the world you've got Scott Morrison just desperate to shake someone's hand because no one wants to shake his hand because while you know his country was on fire

he was sipping my ties in Hawaii. So they seem to have opposite problems. Yes. I mean I think it's important to keep context on this you know latest entrance of the canon of when Pope's attack. I mean historically just checking your arm free of worshipers. Not the worst thing a pope has ever done. I mean, let's try and get this in kind of historical context. Pope John the 12th, notoriously a hot contender for naughty as Pope ever, slaughtered an entire village and castrated a bishop.

Wow. So I mean, that's worse, isn't it, than just checking your arm free slightly aggressively from a Pope's Stephen VI. Chop three fingers off his predecessor who in the tradition of X-Popes was dead and then dragged his predecessor's corpse through the streets of Rome so that I mean that's worse isn't it and he's trying to be nuanced to this empty everyone wants to be mad about it on Twitter and you're ruining it. I just think you've

got a Pope urban VI had six cardinals tortured and executed and then apparently complained to their torturers that their screams had not been loud enough So I mean in in the context of historical Popeye activity This is by no means the worst and Pope innocent the fourth headbutted a leper in 1249 After miss hearing the afflicted individual Pope innocent explained a thought he'd, I was a pointless twat, whereas in fact he was saying, I had a pointy hat. He compensated the victim with a bonus unquestioned,

extra 12 months in heaven, no questions asked. I think this whole story, I mean, people acting like the Pope was being a jerk, but I think it's about time, finally a Catholic clergyman showing some concern about consent and unwanted touching. No, not before. Sorry, I've absolutely slandered Pope John the 12th. He was one of the naughtiest popes ever and was apparently killed by a jealous husband, which is not your classic Pope death. It was Boniface the 8th who killed an entire town. Sorry, my mistake. Oh Boniface.

Isn't he the first pope to stop condemning masturbation? So maybe he was upset that the person had grabbed his wanking hand. It's possible. We just don't know. Or maybe he was afraid that she'd been masturbating. We just could have been making bean casserole. And then just gone straight in. I think producer Chris has enjoyed that joke, Andy. So you're gonna have to. I mostly enjoyed Andy's reaction to it.

enjoyed that joke, Andy, so you're gonna have to... I mostly enjoyed Andy's reaction to it. Ha ha ha ha! The cheese news now, uh, Night on Your, the Bugles, uh, cheese correspondent. There's been a huge cheese Farago in a Michelin-style restaurant. That's right, uh, I'm, I'm in a...

Bungle the French pronunciation, but Mark Virat, the chef and owner of the french alps restaurant limouson de bois which as you know is french for i think let's hear it for the boys uh... the michelin guide knocked virat down from three stars to two stars and he sued and lost uh... he sued because he's a grown-ass man

who desperately craves the approval of a tire company Don't we all look yeah Sometimes you get a bad review, you know, so you don't sue over it I didn't sue the Chicago Tribune when they ran a piece saying that I dress like Kim Jong-un's body double I didn't sue the comedy critic who described my first album as a lecture from a depressing professor. That is I've got very turned on at that description. I don't see that as a compliment. I mean he was suing them for losing a star but they they claimed that he used English cheddar in one of his

soufflays which if true is magnificent or Cetre magnificent, because he turned a classic French soufflain to a Jamie Oliver number, but just banging a bit of cheddar in, bush, that would be lovely. But I love that a French man is so insulted by the idea of there being English cheese in his food. The reviewer thought that he used, he used English cheddar because the souffle was yellow, but in fact, he'd used French revolution before cheeses and saffron.

And as you know, in the French penal system, mistaking the appellation of a cheese is ground, is a criminal act, as ground for being beaten with stale baguettes by an angry mob. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think he hoped he'd get away with it? A wait?

A wait? But we can't go down that road. Oh, I just thought that if there was any story that was open for the, I mean, there's no point crying over curdled milk. But I just, I thought Andy, you would have, you would have gone full palm run on this. No, I want to keep it brief. Well that concludes the first bugle of the Millennium. If you wish to see the final three extra added shows of my certifiable history show.

There will be on it, so hope they're the sixth, seventh and eighth of January. Also available from another dimension, the world exclusive, The Last Post hosted by the Alice Fraser from the Parallel dimension featuring well, many other people you may have heard on the bugle, but from Parallel World. I wonder what Parallel me is like. I wonder if England cricket team is as parallel as shit as it is in this world. Sorry viewers. And just quickly before we go,

you two are doing a show together, imminently. Yes, at Sketchfest San Francisco, I'm doing my show Mother and I have NATO opening for me very kindly, as he's in San Francisco as well on the 17th of January, Sketchfest. Right, that concludes the first musical of the decade. We will be back before the end of the decade, probably within a week. Until then, Bueglers, goodbye. you