The Bugle - 4161 - Corruption, Covid and Cricket

Episode Date: August 4, 2020

As well as pigeon racing and questionable knighthoods, there is also Trump and Covid news.GO TO OUR SITE FOR OUR NEW MERCH! WOO!Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanMark SteelHari KondaboluAnd produced by Chris Skinner FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers and welcome to issue 4161 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world. It is Monday, the 3rd of August.

We're recording on a Monday. Who knew? Monday's even existed. I mean, it's like we're doing last week's news like tonight. I'm Andy Zoltzmann and I'm in London. The city very badly named if you want to avoid where you live fitting nicely into two word policies involving the word lockdown. I'm recording live as always now in the shed and a little into cricket gap in my reality avoiding schedule and joining me from the west coast of the USA it's the soon to be father who will very imminently have a whole new person to explain this fucking planet to good luck with that to Harry Condobolo.

I chose the best time to have a kid. There is no better time than now during a pandemic and when it's quite possible that you're neither new or the child would be allowed out for 25 years. your neither new or the child would be allowed out for 25 years. That's like growing up in the childhood world. At the age of 25 the child was saying, what did it use to be like?

Was it true about the trees, Daddy? They were made of wood. What does a cloud look like, Daddy? Well, also joining us from a small resistance, as you've already heard, a small resistance depending on which way you go. Of course, it's Mark Steele. Hello, Mark. Hello.

How's your lockdown been? Well, I hate it. And the worst thing is these people go, oh, it's marvellous. I've had such an absolutely wonderful time. I was all morning, all morning in a pottery class on TikTok, and then I was learning Flamenco on WhatsApp, and then I had a 17 course meal with my friends from Guatemala on FaceTime,

and it was just glorious and wonderful. And then we made up, we recreated every series of Doctor Who using an sanitiser as a tardy. And it was just wonderful. Like f*** off, it's just, I get through it, but it's shitty, it's not meant to be locked in. True, true, I mean, I'm not, I'm, you can't argue with that,

you can't argue with that. Yeah, no, don't enjoy it, I'm well, I've endured it, but it's like, oh, there's a new virus, but he's everybody gets set fire to. Oh, I'm just embracing it. Flames up my ass. I never knew that I could enjoy them so much. It's just wonderful.

Wonderful. All my limbs are charred. Just wonderful. I can't. Just get on with it. Just go. Put up with it, but don't enjoy it. You could have stayed it before if you'd wanted.

It's not a good thing you have to, is it? A rare voice of sanity in this confusing world, as always. Yes, so, Horace, under a month till your personal, your personal D date. It's cute. Yeah, yeah, less than three weeks until I will officially be done with comedy and most other aspects of my life. I don't want it to come back in 20 years, like everything else. That's great. Because stand-up careers tend to work that way.

It's best if you stay out of the spotlight for a couple of decades. I did not get where I am today by looking for the spotlight. Oh no, wait a second. No, things are great though. I'm very happy. Good, well, good luck. Enjoy, it's the wrong word. Well, anyway. We are recording on the 3rd of August on this day in the year 1492, Christopher Columbus,

sat sail from Spain on his first trip to the Americas. What the fuck were you thinking? And where were the compulsory staycations when this planet really needed them? On this day in 1527, the first known letter was sent from the Americas to Britain by John Rutte, who had landed in St John's Newfoundland, Canada. The letter included the line, man, did they get cranky when I asked if they were American, as well as some confusion about the rules of ice hockey. And on this day in 1946, the world's first themed amusement park opened Santa Claus land in the town of Santa Claus, Indiana, was opened in a fit of post-war Christmas-iness. It's now known as Holiday World and Splash

in Safari, the PC brigade stealing Christmas again and making a splash around in line and festive swimming pools just in case anyone who's aren't, he was eaten by a shark in a line outfit, one Christmas gets offended by people swimming without being attacked by a big cat. Typical. The theme park has broadened its image from its original Santa Claus land in car nation after a new ride in the 1980s. Manger Mayhem prompted multiple complaints due to its quite graphically realistic depiction of childbirth and obviously fake and occasionally fell

mouthed archangels. The village of Santa Claus Indiana, have you ever been there Harry? In your travels around the Americas? Santa Claus Indiana? Yeah. No, I was feeling if I went to something that deep in Indiana, you wouldn't be speaking to me right now. Ah! Ha! Ha! It was named after, or Santa Claus, the proto-hipster consumer communist

and workplace health and safety skeptic. It's the only municipality in the world where it is legal to break into people's houses, provided that you do so via the chimney. And also interestingly enough, it's where the Christmas Cracker was invented in 1875 during a pistol shootout in a saloon bar between two elephant personators squabbling over a toilet roll. As always, so that a Christmas cracker is another nickname for Santa Claus? Do you have, I don't know, because obviously we have very different Christmas traditions, you know, on opposite sides of the Atlantic and in my family, obviously we just sit around saying it's all off fraud and right he stole our market share but he's the cracker is that a part of American Christmas tradition? I should tell you Andy

I might not be the right one to ask as he and do. You've lived in america for a while i've never heard of the christmas cracker until i came to the uk and oh really but yeah i had no christmas crackers i don't unless it's just not a thing i've been exposed to again my christmas was made up of a plastic christmas tree uh... a few presents and no knowledge of the Bible whatsoever. So, why not? Yeah, I'm not guess, you've got enough things going bang in America without...

Well, I guess that's what I've been with different gun laws. You end up with a without Christmas crackers. Yeah, Christmas crackers is what we call gun violence around the Lord's birthday. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. Potato potato. potato potato potato. Potato potato potato. potato potato. Potato potato potato potato. Potato potato Well over 50, sorry Mark, but it turns out you are entirely obsolete as a human being. We have a special tool for our elder buglers to those over the age of 50 to make you sound like you're younger than you are. Special section here with tips, if I had a sound like you are like 10 or even like 20 years like not as like old as you like like would like to like be.

Also a voice-de-gravleriler which can make me sound like this. Having a few teething troubles with that. And also to help you sound younger and optimizmificator, to help certain phrases such as these things never turn out well into the kind of phrase a younger person might still use. Hope translated into, I'm sure everything will be fine. Or the phrase, we need to learn the lessons of history and the lessons of history tell us that we'll definitely f*** it up into the younger this time, this time. Or the phrase, everything we know and love is disintegrating before our very eyes into the hopeful hopeful youthful phrase. There will definitely be a vaccine soon. That section in the bin.

Oh, I'll call it a quick. When someone from the council come round and know you in, and if you can go like, lack a man's share, it's only like 23 and shit, and it like your man's share is going to stay in a crib on that, like, bear unfair, you're getting it fun. I think you'll be fine. I think think you're gonna leave this chabin'. My son hates it when I do that.

We don't understand nothing like that, innit? He doesn't do it so much now, when he was about 16, he did. Yeah, like, I've come from Croydon and shitin' it. He's been with me for about 50 years from South Norwood Boating Lakes. 50 years from South Norwood boating likes. LAUGHTER Just like, when there's no wind on the shit, you get me fumb like, you know that? Because like, that bear calm, and it means

like, you can't go out and tap nothing across the lake and shit. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Top story this week. The American election is off, potentially in the mind of President Donald Trump, ego-cracker of the year once again in Megalomaniah Monthly magazine The New York Times has ran with the head on this week. Donald Trump does not like what he sees

in his crystal ball. That's possible because what he sees in his crystal ball is history slapping him in the face with a fraud and turn of despair. Hori as correspondent for the slow disintegration of America as credible nation. How do you respond to the Trump's latest suggestions that the election could be delayed and that postal voting threatens the very core of your nation? Well let me first respond to the phrase frozen turd of despair, because that implies there are happy turds,

turds that are filled with joy. I mean, most are unfrozen, but I'm going to question that particular phrase. OK. Look at the lawyers involved. But yeah, I think i'm in the rare opinion that pushing the election would be a good thing

most people in his party disagree democrats obviously disagree but let me let me bring up two major points okay if you push the election later it means there'll be more public trump rallies during covid which would kill off some of his voting block Right that's useful Secondly, and this I think to me is the more important point the longer Trump is in office and Which implies that COVID will continue to be bad. It's more likely that rent in New York City will keep going down

Since fewer people will move there allowing a young father to be able to perhaps afford a second bedroom perhaps in a third bedroom at prices not seen in New York since the late 70s 1870s or 1970s oh 1870 nineteen seventies or nineteen seventies uh... eighteen seventy i mean i mean look it clearly i think he's trying to push the election which he can't even do by the way that's not even

he'd he actually has no constitutional power to do that you needed an amendment to be able to to change his and approval of two houses of congress uh... so apparently this might be surprising, but he just made it up. Apparently that's not a thing. It's almost as if he's a giant liar who knows nothing about American democracy in one the 2016 election as a result of racism, sexism, and uneducated american populace and potentially tampering from russia it almost just like that

it just it makes me worry i think uh... because it seems i mean for first of all let me just say that he's trying to avoid jail the longer he can keep himself in office the longer all these cases that are open will like not get resolved and he can stay out of jail so I think that's kind of oh is that a real possibility I think so I think that he actually manages to do

one of his carry out one of his promises and put Hillary Clinton in jail and then he gets put in the time cell that is a sitcom moitings and half. That's what happened. That's what happened. I mean, I feel like, I mean, with the press is wondering whether it's gonna be a peaceful transition and now they're worried that if Trump is trying to push the election even if that's no possibility, it's kind of a hint that there won't be a peaceful handing over of powers and, and no,

it won't be peaceful what what gives you any indication that he will handle losing well he doesn't handle winning well he's been asking to lock up Hillary Clinton for four years she lost the election this is going to be a shit show. Jimmy Carter is going to have to monitor elections in America. And that's he's expressed great concern about the potential for postal vote fraud. I guess his understandable from his point of view when you've got a pandemic ravaging your country, largely due to your own flamboyantly and competent leadership, when your national economy is crumbling like a depressed cliff on a particularly rough ocean coastline, when you're sending in troops against your own people, when you're busy saying, I wish her well about a rich white woman charged with horrific sex trafficking offences,

who's evaded justice for over a year, in somewhat stark contrast with what you've said about, for example, less less rich less white people proved innocent of crimes they had not committed I guess when you're doing all those things you probably think well we can't have a few under dodgy ballots spoiling the unsolvable purity of our democratic process you've got to start with the things that you can you can at least control well the thing is where does it go? No, but they will. The amount of, well, how are you going to bet this far bit?

But just the things that I've seen that have happened even in the elections over the last couple of years, the suppression of voters, is extraordinary. That one, you know, the Georgia, 8% of the polling stations, which is closed, were all in the poorer areas. With a game, there was one good thing about this, was of course it encouraged the poor to get out more, in the way that happened and it might be a good thing to have the polling stations relocated to places like the top of the Taj Mahal and the H won colloiba so that the poor get out rather than being stuck in their

own shitty little neighborhoods. We're helping them. There were hundreds of thousands of people who were taken off the registers, aren't they? Because their name doesn't fit exactly what's on the card and the card that the bureaucracy have will be wrong. Well, there's a hyphen that was loads because there was a hyphen that was missing or something like that. Sorry, Surrey, you can't fold, there's a hyphen in there and then they just sent out hundreds of thousands of people. So if he still loses after he's fiddled there, I mean, Sudam didn't bloody fiddle elections and then still managed to lose, didn't and then still managed to lose, did it? At least he wasn't that incompetent. But I mean, there are billions of people

not allowed to vote in the American election who should be allowed to. And that is the entire population of the rest of the world who really must be allowed to say, it affects us deeply. And you're too close to it. It can be pretty obvious. It's 60, if everyone in Vietnam had a vote and stuff like that. you american you're too close to it but i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i like making the hours and poorer neighborhoods like end earlier or a whole number of other things

as of ID laws, even like the basics of voting in this country are meant to suppress, right? Like we don't have automatic voter registration, right? That's something that he calls for. That would make things significantly easier, as opposed to filling out paperwork, to get a card to fill out more paperwork just you know

do cuz it's it's not like you have to fill out a registration to like speak and practice your religion or anything else about by gumed you need or by the or the the the wrote so much easier that

that that that and and not obama thinks x convicts uh... should get their vote back as they serve their time so why are they being ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to preserve this democracy. And also he suggested a national holiday and election day, making it easier to vote,

because apparently if you do have a job and you only have a few hours early in the day or the end of the day, you might not bother with voting. And that sets up my point, which is it's almost like these things are put in place to make it harder to vote in general and giving people with schedules that allow for such inconvenience, the best opportunity to vote, thus elderly people are essentially taking us with them. That is what is happening.

People who have no idea what is happening today or what the current issues of the moment are are voting on the future because they have empowered us. That's what's happening. Don't you think it's time that you voted according to your vote was weighted according to the amount of time that you've got left to live? Sure. Oh, God yeah. Surely. So if you're given that if you're 93, why is my mum, who's 95, got a vote that is going to affect things that, I mean that's just mad, isn't it?

What, I mean why did she ever have a vote? My mum, that was, I was, oh dear. Is it a fun, tin day, dear? That was, she was like that 34. God you can't lay this, what's the chances of my mum here in this not good? Oh, Edna from Edna from over the road said she heard you talking about me on the bugle on the podcast Yeah, that was a nice thing to say while I was

Curing up to book petrol in the mobility scooter Well Edna is one of one of our contributors to our voluntary subscription scheme, actually. So if the rest of you want to join, go to thebeaglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Shouldn't Biden just go away? If he wants to win, he should go away to somewhere like a really remote part of Iceland. Yes. And then come back the day after the election. Oh, this is a complete rope adobe situation. It's best for him not to do anything, let the Trump punch himself out and write the

very end, make a few comments, remind people to vote, and just take it on. I think it's pretty straightforward. I'm not sure about Iceland though, Mark, because I'm basically what you're saying, you should hide inside a volcano before taking over the world. I think you have the optics of that and the traditional a little bit dodgy. Alright, well, somewhere. Covid news now, and well, it turns out still still going strong I'd slightly forgotten about that while spending three weeks face down in the gloriously soothing bomb of cricket. How's COVID going in America?

Well it's going bad because there's still an issue with people believing that masks work uh... i've you know it luckily i think people are starting to believe that handwashing is effective uh... maybe perhaps studying what happened uh... with the black plague so many years ago but yeah it doesn't help that a video was released this week uh... with a bunch of doctors in front of the supreme court uh... claiming that you don't need mass

and that hydrochloric quid works and it spread like wildfire on the internet millions of views and uh... it was it was fraudulent now i realize it was tricky right because these doctors the so-called doctors were wearing lab coats right and that The so-called doctors were wearing lab coats, right? And lab coats are extremely hard to find, you know, unless you were a doctor or a scientist or an owner of a medical supply shop or a costume shop or a thrift store or had access

to any of these stores or knew anybody who worked at a hospital or lab or any of these aforementioned shops and so forth. Well you're a cricket umpire, I know you wear them as well. Yes, yes, but yes, I doubt if they had that matter there, but that's when it comes there it'll be that. Cricket umpires. Oh, it's mad of all the thing wearing a mask is communism all that. Oh, no, Karl Marx.

It is imperative that the proletariat rise up and take the means of production from those, from the bourgeoisie that doth oppress us, in order that they can wear masks. And I believe, I just, I think Britain and America is sort of competing neck and neck to be the most stupid country ever at the moment. Just, and then oh god, I mean, I'm in some misery.

I get impression Trump isn't really listening to now. Every day he gets up at that thing, I've found a cure, it's a pineapple up the ass, it's a fantastic cure, whatever it is. And sort of people don't really take any notice anymore or do that. No, there would be people who would sit on a pineapple. They would definitely be videos right now being passed around with people sitting on pineapples claiming they're cured. That would be like no means be the most mental one he's come up with, would it? It's so hard to get past bleach in the lungs. That's so hard.

Right, like ingest. It's a strange way to ingest pineapple, but it will, we won't kill you immediately. Fantastic, you might even like it. I probably distract you from feeling ill. I mean, that's very laced, you know. This video follows another video called Plan Demick, which claimed that underground elites were using the pandemic to make profit and to gain increase in power. And the video was created by Andy Zoltzman, so he could call the video

a pandemic. Well, you know, you've got to do what you've got to do to get a pump. They're even, the hair is just incompetence, I think, is sort of rivals the the madness and nobody knows the rules now absolutely no one there's a rule now that you can't visit relatives in your house unless what you can do is turn your house into a pub and charge charge everyone who comes around nine pounds for a bowl of chili and then they are a layout round because it's safer to be do that in front of a load of random strangers to a coffee and spit it and it needs to go and visit your uncle and now just don't know what that is. There are a think of the rules now they're

like a 1970s game show from Britain and they should have a bloke with a green spatulee jacket game so here with all the rules they're all simple. There are six people out in your bubble at all times. You must stay together unless there are five people in an alternative bubbleette. No time is anywhere there. Inside the kitchen, unless they're outside of the kitchen, you're not permitted to travel, unless you're going to work or you're outside,

in which case you must stay inside at all times, wearing a mask while you're drinking, as long as you pour the beer over your lap. And if you hear this noise, wha-wha-wha-wha, you can shout, I'm at my ice test, in which case you can break all the rules for the next 30 seconds, and the first must decline up a ladder into the self-isolation unit, and shout, coronavirus with this marvelous set of carving noise. Are you ready to play? No one has a f***ing clue.

And then they're announced that, and all these rules, right? For all these rules that were introduced to Ed Manchester was put in a new lockdown. The Health Secretary announced them at 9 o'clock at night on Twitter. Because if you want to get across a major new policy in order to prevent everyone from dying. Do it. Who doesn't follow Twitter at 9 o'clock at night in Bay in particular regard to the f***ing health secretary and the details for the greater picture?

The next time we are going to announce a policy at 5.30 in the morning during farming today, in a language invented by a person in a secure institution. I just f**king incomprehensible. I mean, so I'll get people to say, oh, of course you know what they're doing. What they secretly want to do, it's hurting you. They're not, no, they're just useless. I mean, Boris Johnson, at a month ago, masks are de-leave without useless.

They are not, you can wear them if you must but don't but put them in your ear or whatever and now they're saying now you must and nobody is a wonder nobody wears, I go in the shot and wear one, I'm the only f***ing bastard wearing one. So they're thinking what's the point you know I'm always with you. Go over everybody like everybody else. What? He served to die don't we?

That's what I'm saying. I'm saying this right finally Somebody who's on this yes We just the poor dinosaurs they just do some bad luck And deserve the fucking poor dinosaurs if they were watching the Stegosaurus you guys if we did this much we're with a fucking hidden from the asteroid and the probably some Americans America's American Stegosaurus I'm from the asteroid he's communism I'm going in you'll let me asteroid win

I like you Mark. Speaking my language, I do. Well scientists in Britain have criticized the British government's quote, shroud of secrecy. Well what kind of f***ing shroud did you want them to use? I mean generally shrouds are pretty f***ing secretive. Also we need to stop the things you guys are very cynical about this, but want them to use? I mean, generally shrouds are pretty fucking secretive. Also, we need to stop the things, you guys are very cynical about this, but we need to stop the virus knowing what we're planning.

So we have to kind of confuse the discourse. We didn't air drop leaflets over Germany in 1944, saying if you thought of a beach holer, they're in Normandy this July, do we? Yeah, well, in the conqueror, did not have the Bayer tapestry embroidered as a potentially leakable tactics board before the battle of Hastings did you see?

You've always got to do what your opponent would least want you to do and virus's hate uncertainty. Exhibit A, Werner Heisenberg, the physics, celebrity and quantum mechanic inventor of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, did not die of a virus. So you can read into that what you will. Another thing from the scientific world, Professor Graham Medley, chairman of the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies, the Sage Committee, who have been advising the government through this crisis, has suggested that

if schools are going to reopen in September, we may have to close pubs. So, I mean, which is more important to a functioning society? Pubs or schools? I mean, it very much depends who you ask, where you ask them, whether their children are listening, whilst they answer, how much they've had to drink before you ask them, and whether they are an elected politician, keenly aware that schoolkids cannot vote, but wasted boozehands who've just chucked another ten quid in the quiz machine off the failing to correctly guess the capital of Portugal again definitely can vote. There's a couple of other important questions to ask with this. A, what the f*** does a scientist know about pubs? That square has

been snouted down in the laboratory for the last 30 years, well the rest of us have been out in the real world living a bit of actual life inside a pub with people basically exactly like us. And B, why would a scientist want the schools back open anyway? The more kids get educated, the more competition there isn't the science circuit, the more threat to professor Sneezy's cushy little number telling us we're all gonna die. Now, under his floating the idea is that pubs might have to close knowing full well that Britain will be literally

up in arms about the pubs that we fought two world wars for being close to a piece, the PC brigade, who want children to grow up with hope, knowledge and expectation, even though history shows that all three of those things will be crushed out of them by the unstoppable steam roller of inevitability. Why don't you just do schooling in the pubs? Oh! I mean, it feels like, I mean, from what I hear hear like you all start drinking at what seven or eight anyway, right? Yeah, well honestly, oh this is true, right? So when my son was 11 I

There was a pub that there was a lovely old pub in Crystal Palace It's sadly been done up and all the rubbish has been cleared out the corner and stuff now with it with it with its charm, but It was a dodgy pub and I went in there with a mate and my son was 11 and he sort of sat in the corner. And as a joke, after we'd had a drink each and it was time to get another one, my friend said, go on, Elliot, Elliot's my son, go on, Elliot, you get around him.

Ah, we had a little joke. And Elliot got up and I thought he was going to the toilet. And when he come back, he had two points of Guinness. And he said, well, you told us to get around him and they said, who was he? Leaven. That's good practical education, isn't it? It gives him the life skills for being a British citizen, which shows that, you know, for the right price, you can get anything.

On which subject? A new round of pierages has been announced, people to sit in the House of Lords, Britain's second chamber. Now it's evolved the House of Lords. Britain thankfully grew up as a democratic entity around the end of the 20th century and largely abolished, staffing the second chamber through hereditary purages, giving people power based on who their father was. Instead, instead we made a quantum leap forward to a system where the government can stuff the second chamber full of cronies and make people call them a silly little title like the feudal relic, licks, bitter grovelers.

We've always dreamed of being. So the latest round of democracy befalling peerages, the Prime Minister has appointed to the House of Lords a, his own brother b, a Russian media tycoon, Evgeny Lebedev. Now, that is one mogul who will not prove to be a bumpy obstacle. There's a little quick for any freestyle skiing fans out there. A sort of political lackeys. And, and this is the exciting bit mark cricket legend Ian both of them now that for our non-crickety listeners and i'm in harry i'm i'm including you i don't know if you harry are aware of Ian both of them no i have no no i mean this is a tragedy that you americans have to bear i mean he was i mean he was one of the the defining figures of my my child one of the defining figures of my

childhood, one of the greatest cricketers, England. How would you sum up Ian both for our American listeners, Mark? Well as a player he was iconic as a player but he was just by sheer personality, so extraordinary that he was someone that you get in sport who manages to transcend sport and becomes a figure just so full of life and optimism that everybody finds him just magnetic and he's one almost entire series not quite on his own but it was just an amazing player and it must be very very difficult to find anyone else who has been so brilliant in the first half of their life and then so shit

in the second half of their life. I just almost as if Isaac knew and after a discovered gravity then got a job shoving fireworks up at Dolphin's ass. Just... What's happened to him? And he was quite a rebel in his own sort of way. He was... He was... During the time when he was this iconic talismanic, great English sporting figure.

All sport, not just cricket. I mean people... He was just so, so extraordinary. And he was suspended at one point for supposedly smoking dope and he's one of the few cricketers who didn't go and play in a part-eyed South Africa because two of his closest friends were West Indian cricketers and he said they wouldn't be at a look in the eye. So he was such a brilliant figure in so many ways and now he's become this, well exactly, what was it you just said, licks, spittle, feudal relic, whatever it was, he's all of those things. And now because he was a big Brexit supporter,

that's this reason for being, unless Boris Johnson is belatedly awarding in a peerage on account of the fact you were 149 not out in a match winning innings in 1981. Well, it is possible. And you think you know, you was truly phenomenal cricketer. And if he does prove to be as good at legislation as, you know, in the early years of his legislative careers, he was good at fast-medium swing bowling, devastating middle-order counterattack and batsmanship and supernaturally reflex slip-catching. In the early years of his cricket career, well then all of Britain's political problems will be solved within about a fortnight. However, if he approves, if he approves of the parliamentary equivalent of late period

both of them, the cricket, a selected purely on his name without any justification, oh, hang on to that, he's exactly what the House of Lords is all about. Then anyway, I mean he's ready to have phenomenal amount of money for charity through millions and millions of pounds. And also he took 13 wickets in the Mumbai Jubilee Test of 1980 in the course of which he also scored a century in a match in which no other batsman reached 50, but does that qualify him to scrutinize legislation? Other sports news now and sporters yet again been rocked by a scandal. The Barcelona 2020 race, apparently the self-styled Tour de France of international pigeon racing has been well, I mean, it's been rocked hurry 11 birds have been found dead after a suspected poisoning the the race which is a thrilling race between 15,000

pigeons over a thousand kilometers across the Pyrenees with a pro you know huge kind of price fund and the celebrity winners often go to scutter pigeon stud for a cost of you know, huge, kind of price fund and the celebrity winners often go to scutty pigeons stud for a cost of, you know, 200,000 euros to hump as many other pigeons as they can possibly manage. I mean, it's, this is probably the biggest scandal in the history of all bird related sport. Absolutely. Most people did not know that pigeon racing existed

until this article came out. So, yeah, it is certainly the biggest news. Right. I mean, you are our pigeon racing correspondent. And you've obviously been a devotee of the sport since childhood. Can you explain some of the tactics involved in getting a pigeon to race 1062 kilometers across the Europeanan mountain range uh... you let them go and they don't really know what's happening

and they just keep going and uh... the people below are like oh they just hit the first mark but the pigeons don't know what's happening that that that their marks they just think they're flying to freedom but in fact they're in a race and they had no clue uh... so you know they're going the right direction though, if it was with wasps it would be very hard to keep them going in the right direction I guess. I don't know, maybe there is wasp racing. I bet there is.

I bet somewhere in the world there is wasps and I bet it's on Sky Sports 9 somewhere in the world. Hey, this is Big Freddy coming up now for his third race. Let's have a look at the stats on big Fred. Suddenly with a three to one buzz ratio and a four to nine on the sting. I mean, 11, like the French pigeon racing, what's the, I guess they're called the French Pigeons fancier's club, which by the way is like the NASCAR of pigeons, or depending on who you are, the Nambla of pigeons, basically are pulling out all their birds because 11 died. 11.

Just eleven. Which some would call an overreaction. Others would call it a major overreaction. And others would say, who gives a shit about pigeon racing? The head of... Pigeons care? Pigeons love it.

I still think the Prisons have no idea what's going on. I mean, the president of the French Pigeons fanciers club, Philippe O'Dent, which already shocking that he was willing to give his name for the article, he said that the people who killed these pigeons were vultures not seeing the humor in naming another type of bird or the real possibility that it could have been vultures All right, let's just wrap it up. Well that brings us to the end of this week's be a cool mark Thanks so much for joining us if you've got any online shows or anything to alert our listeners to nothing Until the age 2000 and 51 my own funeral

which we will be covering live on the bugle and uh... harry well good i will sit next time we speak you will be uh you will you. You will be a parent. Yes, we will definitely be speaking again. Yes. We'll see Andy, I really don't know what's going to happen. I just, at this point, the idea of podcasting while holding a child seems highly unlikely. But I could give it a go if you want.

Yeah. Yeah, but why not? I mean, that actually sounds like a good title for a podcast, podcasting whilst holding a child. Right. Or be it that in fact, almost every sentence that anyone out of these days is probably already or soon to be the title of a podcast.

Thanks. So do you have any, any, any things you'd like to tell, tell all this and about? Sure, my Netflix special warn your relatives Is still available obviously also I'm in the Netflix documentary spelling the dream and My documentary the problem with a poo is available on HBO Max I have no idea if you can find that in the UK and I think you should

Illegally download it if you can't find it because I get no idea if you can find that in the UK and I think you should illegally download it if you can't find it, because I get no more money out of this. Well thanks, great having you on as always and in case you didn't hear on micro sub-sub episode last Friday at Bugle Merch, lives again. Just what are we now? 12, almost 30 years into the existence of the Bugle. Our second line of merch has now come out. Shortly to be followed by a third line or at least the rest of the second line, so far you can choose between, well anything that is a T-shirt or a pair of socks and a Christmas, you can pre-order the Christmas jumper as well, it is very much the retail event

of the year, I mean that's actually probably closer to truth and ideally would have been the case, but anyway there is merch available, go to the website and click the merch link and there it will be for your Delectation Stroke Disgust. Thank you very much for listening. I'll be back on the cricket if you're into that kind of thing. From Wednesday this week for the first Englandly Pakistan test and I'll have some really aggressively obscure statistics for any cricket fans out there. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week, we'll be recording and releasing early in the week for the next few weeks. And we'll play you out this week with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to

join them go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the donate button. Simon Savident does not think equinoxes are all that special. Seriously, says Simon, who gives a flying one if the night is the same length as the day. It's not as if you're going to get 12 hours sleep and 12 hours of pure unadulterated partying, is it? They're just another couple of bullshit days concocted by the greetings card industry to shift overpriced bits of paper with sub-primary school-level poems about equal length days and nights on. Equinoxes Arabish Blast Simon. James Gutssell accepts Simon's points, and expresses regret that the true meaning of equinoxes has been overtaken by commercial considerations. However, he urges Simon not to be entirely negative about them.

Equinox is a lovely word to say. Equinox Go on continues James, try it yourself. Equinox. What a great mouth feel from three syllables. Equinox. Oh yeah, he says. Actually, that does make me want to spend half of an entire day in bed. Soren Anderson does not see the need for fake pineapples.

Real pineapples are weird enough as it is, states fruit-efficient auto-soren, so if you think you need to create a fake version of it, I'd suggest you have deeper problems regarding accepting the natural world for what it is, not what you want it to be. Soren has no trouble, however, with fake cantaloupes. I'm not eating them, for reasons that are no ones business but my own, so frankly I don't care if they're made of actual melon or some oddly realistic resin. Alison Dimter sees a gap in the market for a restaurant come museum in which you can eat all the artifacts,

which would be edible replicas of significant objects from around the world and indeed universe. Allison has in fact just teamed up with Celebrity Chef Scluton Malvein and the provisionally titled, Musy Yum, will offer dishes such as a parsnip parthenon and an Egyptian sarcophagus of Yamified Fruten Carmoun. Rory Guy is right on board with this and sees multiple franchising possibilities. If successful speculates Rory, we could follow the museum with the Aquarium, where you will be able to study the biology, behaviour, physiology and life cycle of aquatic creatures

before ending that life cycle by eating them, educational and nutritious, albeit potentially disappointing if you have a late booking notes roaring. And finally, Karl Nesta has also fully bought into this strategy of expansion, although his plans for a third branch in the franchise, the sanitaryum, have I'm hearing right now, just been quietly shelved. I'm just not sure it's the right time admits Karl, but he insists the planetaryum could be sensational. Seared net tuner stakes in Jupiter bread, yes please. He admits that the Uranus dish might be a tough sell. We probably will have to call it sweetbread or something, concedes

Karl. Here end it, this week's lies. you