The Bugle - 4162 - Bond, Boris and Boats

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

Nish and Anuvab join Andy to look at another week of baffling idiocy. Wow, men of 2020, you've really done it!GO TO OUR SITE FOR OUR NEW MERCH! WOO!Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanMark SteelHari KondaboluAnd produced by Chris Skinner LISTEN TO RICHIE FIRTH TRAVEL HACKER. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Bugleers is producer Chris. I also do a podcast. It's called Richie Firth Travel Hacker and involves people thinking about doing things that they could do when they could travel and other things like that.

It's a sex playing un you niss! Oh, but! And it features cameos from the likes of Andy. Who knows when, if ever, airplanes will fly again. And Alice? No reason. Just, um, let a guy recently. Just f**king listen to it. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers and Welky on top, sorry I missed that, but it is issue 4126 of Dead Blue

Guit. I'm all over the place today. Shame I didn't have Zuto Kerevd on to deal with these settling areas. It is Tuesday the 11th of August 2020. I am Andy Zoltzman, star of the stage, North Green, reporting to you live from the shed. Where let me tell you, it is hot. It is hot in London and it's hot in the shed which catches a lot of it. It is as hot as the planet Venus in here but not as horny admittedly.

Easily the sexiest planet Venus you have to say, the planet of love which science proves is so lethally toxic and impossible to live with. Read into that what you will the dating industry. Joining me from Mumbai India where it cannot possibly be as hot as it is in London. Anivab pal, Anivab give us what's the temperature check from Mumbai. Well it is cooler than London but it is wetter than London, we're in the middle of the monsoon which raises the important moral question Andy would you rather be sweating or drowning? Don't make me choose!

And from up the road in Brixton, it's Nish Kumar, I mean how hot is Brixton conveying the stress in the middle? It's a completely different ecosystem up here Andy. We are chilliest shit. No, it's fucking hot. It's so fucking hot. Over the weekend, Cardi B and Megan the Stallion released a song called, Where As Pussy.

And a lot of people have assumed that that's to do with sexual arousal. I think that song is about it being too fucking hot in London. This is a city of where aspussies and soggy ass dicks. And let me tell you, those dicks are sad. S-A-D. Well, I didn't really understand any of that, but I prefer to take them to the... And I thought you're a huge fan of Megan the Stallian. Good luck. Megan the Stallian? No, not really. And how are you, for non-cricut fans, you're currently in the perineum that connects the anus of the previous text test with the ball sack of the next test match.

How are you handling being in this no-man's land of cricket? Well, I mean, it's that kind of language that explains why I'm on test match special and you're not niche. I don't know how closely people are following my career, but there may be other reasons why I'm not going to be invited to any cricket-based events in the near future. Well, Andy, sorry, just to cut back in to what Nish asked you then. Yep. Yes. Why did you not refer to it as a member of Test Match Special as the Gooch? The Gooch. Bro.

I think it's time to move on. I shall not take the name of Graham Gooch in vain. We are in between the first England Pakistan test, which was an absolute classic one in dramatic circumstances by England. Generally, what England liked to do at the start of a series is let the other team win in direct apology for some of the excesses of MPI, which is as close as well as we're going to get to an apology. But they pulled, they've heimlicked victory from the softwares of defeat in dramatic circumstances. And the hero was a chap called Chris Wokes

who's an England Cricketose, not generally particularly high profile. And I don't think I've ever heard in the years that I've been following Cricket. I've never heard anyone say anything even remotely negative about Chris Wokes. I think he might be the nicest man in the history of sport to the extent where there was a sentence in which I think he looked almost slightly guilty

for having made Pakistan lose, even though it was personal and collective triumph for him. But yes, I'm back to Cricketland tomorrow for the game on Thursday, so by the time you listen to this bugle, I'll be in a more comfortable situation than sweltering in my shed, I will be enveloped. Once again in the comforting bosom of cricket. It's the 11th of August 2020, which is the anniversary of just under a quarter of 1% of all the events that have ever happened in history, which is lower than the average day due to summer holidays and things, but still often an influential day of the year, not least of course in 1929, when Babe Ruth became the first baseballer to hit 500 home runs, not all in one day, it should be said. But of events that have happened on the 11th of August, they have an HCQ rating,

that's a historical consequence question, to only 53.61. That's 1.84% less influential than the average day in the year, and 0.47% lower than even the average day in August, according to statistics that I've just made up. So you may be asking, what is the point in us recording a bugle on a pointless day like the 11th of August? Of absolutely no fucking idea. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight

in the bin. This week, best bond, we're a best bond section here. Now, a recent poll has shown that Sean Connery has viewed as the best James Bond of all time, the greatest of all time in modern parlance. That phrase generally used to something that's existed for anything from five to 30 years. It's not a longer in the case of Bond. But only seven people have played James Bond,

which is way fewer mathematically than the people who have not played James Bond. So I think we're missing out on a lot of talent assuming that Connery is the best possible Bond of all time. So to decide this once and for all, on the Bugle we're going to have a competition to find out who would have been the best bond out from all the people who have ever lived in a series of head-to-head knock-out encounters. We've chosen for you a short list of 128 possible bonds. You simply have to vote each week on which one you think would have been the better bond and sometime late in 2022 or 2023. We will then have a final climactic showdown between the winner of our best bond out of all the non-bonds competition with Sean Connery to find out the real best bond ever. And for our first round clash and what a mouthwatering prospect this is, who would

have been the better bond out of Marcus Aurelius or Jesus Christ. Candidate I, the emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Well, he was known for his short pithy statements, very much like Bond, collated in Aurelius' big selling stows, his and blockbuster meditations. He might need to joke them up a bit and make them a little saucier to fit in as Bond. But Aurelius, of course, was an all-action hero who, like Bond, was prepared to slay enemies from around the world to achieve his goals, a key Bond character trait. But would he have been a better or worse James Bond than Jesus Christ, the renowned Messiah who pulled off incredible stunts like Bond, was a fan of gadgets such as the donkey,

the fish divider and the invisible jet ski sandal, and was also a big hit with the ladies. Also he was able to escape Bond like from the tightest of scrapes, such as King Herodron, all firstborn children, and being dead in the tomb, classic bond, also spoke with a lovely clear British accent, according to the Bible, another key bond attribute. So send us your vote for best bond, or really, or Christ, to the usual address, and we will have another 63 first round clashes over the next, I don't know, 14 months or so. Also in the bin, a new number puzzle says Loro in which you have to guess which number between one and 10,000 fits into this gap. Good luck with that. Now Andy, I have a pedantic contestant question. Oh yeah.

Contestant question. All right. Is there any advantage if your name is James Bond and you work in a accounting for example? I don't know, I mean someone presumably has done some kind of doctoral thesis piece of research into this given that people have done doctoral thesis pieces of research into pretty much everything in the universe now. So I mean that just the non-monetive determinism of James Bond, you'd obviously have to have control samples of people who were called James Bond before James Bond became James Bond filmically, if that makes sense, and work out whether people called James Bond have been more or less dynamic and successful since the film franchise began. And then anything

that helps us stop thinking about reality. I'm just waiting for the big crunch match, Idris Elba versus Joan of Arc. Oh! Top story this week, world in turmoil. Well, the world is having a bit of a rocky year. I don't think you need to be even a virus fan to acknowledge that. I shall be collapsing all over the place. And there are protests all around the world. There have been huge protests in Lebanon, the entire government has resigned.

protests in Belarus, Bolivia, Thailand, Siberia, Hong Kong, all over the world. Fox has stolen 100 shoes in Berlin as if humanity wasn't suffering enough. And well, but perhaps the biggest piece of turmoil, then this you are a global turmoil correspondent. Of course. As you leave a trail of turmoil. I love observing it. I love causing it. I mean, what would you say is the biggest bit of turmoil facing I love observing it, I love causing it. I mean what would you say is the

the biggest bit of turmoil facing the world this week? Well this huge amount of turmoil everywhere Andy, I mean Bella Roose is not fairing particularly well, the main challenger to Alexander Lukashenko who's the lady called Svetlana Tick-and-Noffeskia and I apologize for mispronouncing both of those names. Actually, I only apologise for her name, because he, without wishing to give too much away, seems like a total... She's refusing to accept that the result of the election, because he claims he won 80% of the vote, 80% that's a big slice of the vote, and you might be thinking, oh maybe maybe he did win that much, but and you might be thinking, oh maybe he did win by that much. But on the other hand, 30

people have been arrested in the capital, a witness say they saw police officers with truncions beating protesters and a Polish-based broadcaster has said that the internet is mostly unavailable and nothing says, I have won fair and square like beating up protesters and turning off the internet Nothing screams this was a fair fight like that That's basically like saying of course. I'm not a dictator All I've done is lock up my opponents and festoon the town square with pictures of myself This is political correctness gone mad can a man not even Jesus, this is political correctness gone mad. Can a man not even randomly arrest people he doesn't like the look of and have them killed

whilst at the same time insisting on his picture being in all post offices without being called a dictator? This is cancel culture gone mad. I mean another slight clue to his style of leadership is just the very fact that Another slight clue to his style of leadership is just the very fact that Tick-A-Noff Skye was his main rival. She's now fled to Lithuania for the safety of her children. But she had only taken over, as Lukashenko's main challenger, after her husband was sent to jail and two other contenders have also been bought. So the mere fact that she ended up running against him was only really because he was well I mean let's look at his leadership style he wears his leadership style unashamedly bushely under his nose I mean there's no way a moustache like

that can be an accident you would say at least post 1938ish particularly. No, particularly in English. You know, as someone who lives in a chaotic democracy, I'd just like to read out today's times of India headline as it relates to Belarus. It says, Ms. Svetlana says, I consider myself the winner of this election, after which she promptly fled the country. And you know, this wasn't a surprise headline in India, it happens often. Another signal as to Lukashenko's style of leadership is the fact that his secret service is still called the KGB. Now, that is, that is a leader who isn't

fast about using a historically tainted brand, if it suits him. A few more details on the managed-been in power for 26 years, coincidentally the exact same amount of time that's passed since 1994, when by coincidence, the 1994 World Cup began, ironically actually three days before Lukashenko took the reins of the Electrodonky-Vexecative Powering Belarus in the aftermath of the U, the S, the S, and the R of USSR flying off in different directions. Also, that was three days after OJ Simpson's low speed car chase event, which does make you wonder if Lookashenko knows something and has used that power to maintain his grip on the handlebars of power on the Kawasaki 350. There is high Belarusian office, which Lookashenko of course entered on the very day that Brazil beat Russia 2-0 with Goulton Romario and Captain Rai, who of course would end the tournament sitting on

the bench, watching Dunga having taken over the Captain's arm, mad lifting the famous old trophy. No wonder it took the world of water notice that Lukashenko was not entirely a goodie in the grand scheme of things. Oh, I mean, if you're looking for any further indication that this man is not a good man, here's a little chap that he's praised publicly in the past, a little gentleman by the name of Adolf Hitler. He said that the history of Germany is a copy of the history of Belarus. Germany was raised from ruins thanks to firm authority,

and not everything connected with that well-known figure Hitler was bad. German order revolved over the centuries, and it taged its peak under Hitler. And you know what they say about Hitler Andy Not everything about him was no wait, that's not true. You know what they say about Hitler everything about him was bad Absolutely everything about him was bad Look aschenko has been described as Europe's last dictator and Can we please at least add on a for now? I mean at least add on a for now. I mean, let's be realistic about this.

Or at least add on Europe's last dictator, and then add the words, who actually has the decency to lay his dictatorial cards firmly on the table, or who actually holds office rather than wielding power behind the scenes, or who hasn't gone into football management or sports administration instead.

His salary, apparently his salary as president of Belarus is 25,000 euros a year. I guess I imagine there are some absolutely big fucking perks attached to that. Well, it is allowed expenses of up to 125 million US dollars a month, no receipts needed. But still, $25 grand a year, so he does it for the love. He does it for the love. It is possible that the central auditor of the Belarusian Republic, he's also him.

He's, so there've been big protests against his government So there have been big protests against his government and in the aftermath of these elections police have violent attack demonstrators and Lukashenko's claimed protests were being directed from other countries and has singled out as suspects, Poland, the Czech Republic and way for this, Britain now. Yes. This is very, very flattering that the Belarusian bar stado thinks that we have that kind of club in our bag. But seriously, we cannot organize a f***ing phone line in this country. Do you really think we can coordinate thousands of protesters, thousands of miles away?

We can't get basic medical equipment to frontline health workers in our own f**king hospitals. There's no way we are trying to destabilize the Belarusian government. We don't have those skills. Look, there might be protests in Belarus, there might be protests in Lebanon, there might be protests everywhere, but we all know the real country that is experiencing genuine crisis is the United Kingdom. Yeah, testify. Andy, and if you wouldn't have no idea what this feels like, but our country is being invaded

by foreigners. Yeah. And in India, you just have no idea what that's like. Look who? Never happened. It's never happened. Yeah. And in India, you I don't know what will. It is absolutely astonishing what happened here. Nigel Farage, the disgraced radio DJ and permanent has taken up a new hobby which is travelling down to the beaches of Kent and making videos on his iPhone. He posted one online last Thursday, which he called a

shocking invasion of the Kemp Coast, which was about eight people getting off a dinghy and walking on a beach. Now eight people is less than the number of people who in total have walked on the moon. And I don't know if either of you have noticed, but we're not exactly in charge up there. We have quite far away from declaring the moon the 51st state of North North Dakota. Now, Nish, I know nothing about invasions, but just a hypothetical question. See the British were to invade some country. See India, for example.

Well, let's set this, if we're going for science fiction, fine, let's do that. Exactly. Completely hypothetical situation. See, there were two land. And it is said that a few British people hypothetically invaded India. Now, for an invasion, you would need, I would imagine, at least 200 people, 500 people, maybe 1000 people. This is possible to invade. I don't know much about your island. You know, this, this English language, I've just picked up on Google. So this is totally hypothetical. But, you know, I was assuming we were India to be invaded,

saying the year 1756, say at a place called the Battle of Placid, all hypothetical. You would need it, you would need at least a hundred thousand troops to invade a country. Now, you've got 60 million people, would eight do, I mean, as the British parliament... Right, look, there's a hint of cynicism coming from you here, and a vaccine. If you've got a hundred thousand people, and they're all in very smart bright red uniforms. Actually quite easy to spot. Yes. Whereas, you know, only eight people in a rubber dinghy.

Actually, that's a far greater threat to people. You know, this, I mean, it does slightly make you think, actually, when you think of the history of invasions, it's just another one of those things that's lost their edge a bit. That what we've got is a slow trickle of people turning up in unarmed inflatable vessels, then asking politely for permission to stay. It's not to... I mean the Vikings wouldn't get out of bed for that kind of stuff, would they? I just wonder, because it is early this week that there was a letter sent to the home secretary

by 23 Tory MPs and two peers who said that ministers must do whatever it takes to address the attempts from migrants to enter the UK using small boats. And as a side note, those 25 people, it's not so much a shit list as it is a complete f***ing pointless. The letter specifically referred to invading migrants and it starts to make me think, is this part of a deep-seated fear in the British psyche, based on what we have done abroad, that we simply cannot conceive of turning up to a country without invading it? So whenever we see people arrive here, for reasons, you know, as

diffusers maybe, oh, I don't know, fleeing persecution or desperately trying to make a better life for themselves, instead of thinking, well, we should extend a humanitarian handout to these people, we think, you know what, they must be here to get our jewels and put them in their hats. That's what we fucking did for 200 years. We didn't see this in context though, because it's a massive issue in British politics,

the whole issue of immigration, of asylum. In 2019, there were 36,000 applications for asylum in Britain. Now that is way, way, way more, those 36,000. That is way more than the 165,000 that were in Germany. It's way more than 151,000 that were in France, 117,000 in Spain. And it is even more than the 77,000 asylum applications that were in Greece.

And in fact, if you put all of those together and do the maths wrong, and don't count anyone with legs, arms, or a head in those other countries applying for asylum, we actually took 100% of all the asylum seekers to all those countries combined. So this is an invasion of mock it all you like. It's an invasion of form office people work. The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has described the crossings as very bad and stupid and dangerous and criminal, which to be fair to him is just him quoting directly from his own tin divaio.

And human rights groups have gone on to describe Johnson's remarks as inaccurate and inflammatory. But in Johnson's defence, that's what he does. The man is inaccurate and inflammatory. If he asked him directions to the local shop, he would manage to tell you to turn left, right, left, right, and left again, causing a confusing circle. And while he was saying it, he would somehow manage to use the N word. Describing Boris Johnson as inaccurate in inflammatory is as pointless as this point, as describing me as being brown and shrill. It's simply what we're known for. It's

an inexorable part of our personal brand. Now, Nish and the political observers, I have to say in this part of the world, Nigel Farage is not very well known. So if you want to describe Nigel Farage Nish as a contemporary political analyst, how would you describe him for an Indian audience? Well, put it this way. Nigel Farage, for the last sort of 25 to 30 years, is basically like a child who has walked into the middle of their parents' dinner party naked

and is frantically tugging on his penis for attention. Now, in that situation, I'm not a parent, but in that situation, I think the best thing to do, don't give him the attention he craves and carry on eating. What the British media has done for the last 25 years is they've set up a 24 hour rolling news coverage of this metaphorical child's cock and balls. You know, I love two lessons here. Why do I need you for us to have our British dinner parties? And three, by the sounds of things, don't invite me to babysit you kids.

Yeah, he's, you know, he's, he's, he's, he absolutely for the Brexit referendum and he got the Brexit referendum. And he, he, he, as the head of the UK independence party and subsequently the Brexit party, he's been a figure from the far right of Britain, his constantly exerted pressure on the Conservative party, the far right of Britain, who's constantly exerting pressure on the Conservative party, the right-wing party, and who have constantly sort of caved in to his demands largely because they've been trying to sort of avoid stopping from heading them off on the right of the party and costing them votes. And at this point, his latest shitfest is a very convenient way for the government to use this crisis, a word I'm using, absolutely

totally and accurately, as a way of distracting from its myriad failures, but its Brexit plan, which is now being castigated by the very ministers who voted for it, or its coronavirus strategy, which now, and I believe this is the official position, hey, at least we aren't America, and that's pretty much all we've got, all we've got going for us. At this point, once again, the Conservative Party is using innocent and defenseless refugees, helpless people who we should be offering a hand to

as political footballs. But they still somehow even do it poorly. And the thing about political football is that like real football, we have been quite bad at it for the last 20 years. And what we now need to do is have a heavy investment in grassroots political football. We need to start looking at the continent at some of the more innovative political football coaches that have been operating there for the last 60 to 70 years. And we need to start looking at how we can rear a new generation of more technically adept, fast and skillful

for political football players. Well, so not just lumping it up to the big number 9 again. What made this country gripe? It's been a bad week to be British. And that's something I could have said at any point for the last five, arguably 250 years. Because you gov in conjunction with this, you gov, a sort of polling agency, did a survey and around migrants and refugees and 22% of the people surveyed said that they had not much

sympathy and 27% said they had no sympathy at all for these people and you've got to say at this point these basically are now what it suggests is these are the people who watched Bambi and thought, Bambi's mum deserved everything that she got. And I imagine, and I imagine, she was f***ing delicious. Well, since we're talking about Megalomaniac political figures and as you mentioned, political artworks earlier at Nish, Donald Trump has denied asking about the feasibility of adding his own face to Mount Rochmore, the famous American monument with four of the greatest presence of US history.

Now, he may well have denied it, and it is the kind of thing that could well be as he claimed fake news. However, even if he denied actually having asked it, he did not and could not deny having thought it because there's no way that he has not not only thought about that but but probably experience some form of sexual urge whilst thinking about it and whether it would be possible to copulate with a giant stone statue of himself. He tweeted, this is fake news. I never suggested it, although based on all of the many things of accomplisher in my first three and a half years, perhaps more than any other presidency, it sounds like a good idea to me.

Now, I mean, I think the bugle has laid its Trumpic cards firmly on the table over the last four years. And we haven't necessarily been an unequivocal fan of everything that he's done. But to me, adding Trump to Rushmore would be like adding Hannibal Lecter to the last supper. It's not heard of it. The last supper, smash it, pioneering Celeb Fudy documentary painting by Lenny Peterson or as he was known at the time Leonardo Dissert, Pierro da Vinci. It's like adding a coiling turd to Rodan's The Thinker,

or maybe adapting Antonio Canova's famous statue the three graces by adding Donald Trump to it complete with an alarmingly priopic cock. LAUGHTER Listen, Addy. This may be the first impulse of his that I've respected, because who bugs us has not looked at an object of great social and cultural significance,

and not thought I'd like to draw a cock on that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Also, I feel the Trump Corporation is the sort of company that for a million dollars will allow anyone's face to be carved on Mount Rushmore. Ha ha which shows up for the worst presidents of American history. I mean, about Rushmore, listen, even the presidents that are on there, sure, there's an Abe Lincoln, but there's a couple of tricky customers on there, these are the massive slave owners, I'm looking at you, Thomas Jefferson, and you George Washington. And there's also, you know, Teddy Roosevelt was a man not without contention,

but I do genuinely think, oh, also, I only found this out recently, about Rushmore is built on ground that had been promised to Native Americans in perpetuity. So it's like, the whole thing is a bit of a nightmare. But I do think the only thing that could balance it out is by building some sort of monument to the most dog-shit presidents. Maybe they can even sculpt it out of canine feces, just to really sell the point of it, just a stinking mound of dog shit, featuring some of America's most useless presidents. And that one Trump might get on. In fact, I'd fast track him to the top of that list. In the other turmoil news, as I mentioned earlier on, Berlin has been rocked to its foundations

by a fox which has stolen 100 shoes, a stash of the footwear was found by someone who'd had a shoe stolen by the fox. Most of them were described by police as slightly nibbled. The fox who shall remain nameless as foxes often do. Apparently favoured a plastic summer shoe. I'm not sure what you can read into that, but it does maybe suggest it wasn't a fetish thing. But it does make you wonder, what are foxes up to? I mean, it is possible they've completed their research into what we keep in our bins and are now starting to analyse our footwear. And at this rate, they will know everything about human civilisation and our points of vulnerability within 300 years, at which point they will be ready to pounce and take over the world.

But I've got some news for them. Hurry up your frizzy tell felons. Human civilisation will have killed itself long before then. I think conflicting news reports are coming out, Nish, Andy, that this particular fox was a fan of himmeldermakos, wife of the dictator of Philippines, Ferdinand Makos, and she had an extensive shoe collection, and I think inspired by her, this fox is building his own shoe collection, which leads me to ask Nish andy, what the fuck is going on in Europe?

There are. Large. This is exactly why we Brexited. Exactly. This is exactly what we voted to leave. The rauding gangs of shoe-thieving foxes. This is exactly what the leave campaign was talking about, but they sort of ended up saying it with something about Remanians.

But in the Remanians, we're actually metaphors for foxes. And this is the genius of the leave campaign. They saw it coming. And instead of shoes, they said jobs. But other than that, they were absolutely bang on. But other than that, they were absolutely bang on. Indian COVID news now and the government's announced plans to test a million people a day, which sounds like a lot, Anivab, but that would still take four years to test the entire country, so massive is the Indian population.

Are you excited by this pledge from your beloved government? Well, you know, there's some research done on this, Andy. The United Kingdom tests 192 people for every 100,000 people. Right now, indeed. Yes, but those numbers are very good out of that. You have to remember, and those are world-beating numbers. And they have world-beating because our government told us they will world-beating. Exactly, exactly.

Always good to rely on one source of information as we've learnt in India. At Pakistan, it's eight for a hundred thousand people. India right now, 36 for a hundred thousand people is what we're testing. Prime Minister Modi, our liberal, wonderful leader, his ambition is to increase this number to a million tests each day. And one of the suggestions being made is instead of putting a tube up and down your nose and sending it to a lab, it's just to go up to an Indian person, ask them, do you have it? And rely on a yes and no answer. It's worked for a number of other things in India.

So why not for a dangerous disease? Well, one of the ways, you know, in the earlier days of this crisis, we avoided being put on these lists was we didn't test. And you know, if you don't test, you don't have it. So that's a good way in which we've avoided any conflict in an Indian household. If you don't bring it up for long enough, one or the other person will die. Just ask my uncle Suresh who's not with us anymore.

He doesn't know my mum doesn't love him and he never will. doesn't love him and he never will. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to do so. There's a moral duty to get children back in schools. As the words of Boris Johnson, Boris Johnson started lecturing this country on moral, Boris Johnson, let told Britain what it's, what it's moral, moral duty, what satire, it is not only dead, it has been cremated and scattered to the winds. Boris Johnson told us what moral duty, even in the weirdest of possible word world that our version of the universe has found itself in, to hear Boris Johnson telling us what are moral duty. That is a new tranche of implausible. I mean, this one, I, know you Boris Johnson for you very much your spiritual guru. Yeah, I mean, if you went orientering with Boris Johnson's moral compass, you would end up a f***ing long way away from where you were trying to get to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd start in blackpool and end up in Shanghai. But I don't know why you're, I can't believe

that you're reacting this way, Adi. Of course, Boris Johnson needs school to restart. His house must be absolutely full of children. You're talking about a man whose Wikipedia page, as we record this, continues to say, children and the number is at least six. Boris Johnson's house is basically a secondary school at the moment. I thought he'd need the schools to open.

I just need a bit of peace so he can think about how to fudge Covid numbers. He's probably absolutely overwhelmed. Also, I think that Boris Johnson is largely seen as, you know, his skill is seen as largely sort of reading the British public's mood and anticipating it. But he has said, as well as there, as Andy says, a moral duty to get children back to schools, he said that he will shut pubs to keep schools open. And I'm afraid Boris Johnson, his Titanic may have finally hit its iceberg. Because if he thinks that the British public is going to tolerate pubs being close to open schools He has fundamentally misunderstood the mood of teachers pupils and every single person in this country

In another school issue There's been a big rumpus about how exam grades are being given out. That's the Scottish government had announced that a lot of pupils are having their assessed grades downgraded, so rather than going with what the teachers had said they were basing it on algorithms, it's happening across England as well as the Scots have now gone back on that, their education secretary John Swinney said that the result that had been downgraded will be reversed. He said we now accept that the concern over grade inflation is outweighed by concern that young people from working class backgrounds may lose faith in the education

system and conclude that the system is against them. That conclusion has not been reached yet in England where the government education minister, Petrol and Carvell Limp, said England as a society is founded on inequality. It's what made us great as a nation. Both in its global pursuit and in the clarity it brings to selecting people for political office. These winging teenagers need to accept that. If they'd wanted fairness and education, they should have come out of someone else's womb and gone to someone else's school. So it's rather clearer in England than it is north of Hadrian's wall. The problem is they were basing because the exams had to be cancelled due to Covid and not just due to Covid but also due to having a monstrously

incompetent government attempting to deal with the Covid crisis. They were basing children's grades on what their teachers had assessed. This resulted in grades being higher because apparently teachers are human with a heart. So they were in said going to they forced teachers to rank all their pupils and then give them grades based on how pupils from the same schools had done in previous years. So if you happen to be at a school which had had a coach loads of f***ing which in previous years, then your life prospects are ruined.

However, if you'd gone to a school with, for example, lots of high-chefing children from wealthy families, then you're fine. Now, in many ways, this was merely formalizing the British education system as it is. A various options have been suggested for how to give grades instead, trusting people's assessment of themselves, which really give school people's

the same rights that governments have online about their own achievements and fiddling the figures to massage political results. Alternatively, they could just follow political example and give higher grades to people whose financial back is stumped up with the most money. That's basically how it works. Or since pubs have proved more important than schools, just get kids to go on quiz machines and pubs and rules and grades based on how they do on quiz machines. That might be the fairest way as well as boosting the trade for the

struggling hospitality industry. The government's inequalities are Sardarold Picheling, whose remit is to ensure that a suitably British level of inequality remains entrenched in society, announced that any pupils whose parents become unemployed when the government's furlough scheme ends will be retrospectively downgraded. Sardarold said it seems unfair that these kids will benefit, whether children of the long term unemployed do not, that's all we want in education fairness and equality of opportunity Similarly, he continued to any people can prove that they have a close biological link to a hereditary peer a current cabinet minister or a major donor to the Conservative party They'll be bumped up a couple of grades or if they're prepared to start a YouTube channel posting videos about how great Boris Johnson and Brexit are they can get an automatic

A it's basically just rolling out the system we use for the House of Lords, so it's all part of our British values trade market and all that team GB. I just like to add that I find that this last system we described very fair, you know, I've had a lot of experience with that in the third world. Just a small suggestion to make it even more equal, purchasing the question paper for a very high price. It works very well in Indian state board elections, examinations, loads of medical and legal examinations. You can purchase the paper. Sometimes if you know the right people,

you don't even have to purchase the paper. Sometimes if you don't know the right people and you have a gun and you know where the teacher lives, is a good solution. So you know academia there are lots of options that you guys haven't explored in Britain. Well that brings us to the end of this week's this week's bugle. And if I have anything to plunk to all listeners? Well, I carry on through the lockdown. Just to let you know, I think India doesn't plan to come out of the lockdown. So this is just going to be a way of life.

So, I'm not going to have any gigs anymore, but just going to be at home and then just get used to it. So my plug is, please, you know, the wish be good luck for my new lockdown life. Okay. All right, Nish. I'm hosting a show on the app Quibi, which is called Hello America. And the premise of the show is that it's a British comedian

talking about the American news, which I believe has never been done before. And I'm excited to be a pioneer of this particular form. Thank you for listening, Bueglers. You want to hear more of me? I'll be spouting numbers into the radio again for the next two weeks. We'll be back next week with NATO Green and Tiff Stevenson.

And we will play you about this week with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them go to thebuegallpodcast.com and click the donate button. And also, you can view our spectacular range of new merch, two things available. Oh, is that new merch? There are two things available. There are three things. Three now.

The jumpers are on full-south. They're jumping them off pre-south, Andy. All right, so Christmas jumpers, Christmas jumpers, T-shirts and socks, and two different sizes of T-shirt, or two different designs, probably more, actually, I mean, how many different sizes are there of T-shirt?

I mean, I'm really underselling this, about six. Six, I mean, let's move to the next. Two different colors of socks. This is shit, that absolutely, love these, I love these socks. These are absolutely great. Awesome socks.

This is someone's a wardrobe. So, do you share to jump in socks, you're sorted? I mean, you never need any other form of clothing ever again. And of course, if you're a true bugular, you will philosophically refuse to wear trousers or pants. And that's the real creed of the bugle. Is tops covered, feet covered, let those

genitals breathe. And there can be no more appropriate way to end the show than that. Ian Young feels sorry for ancient Greek myth-star Cicophus. Sure, the guy was an entitled prickler to seatful little shit back. He would fit right into the political landscape today. But was used to punish him by making him continually roll a rock almost all the way up a hill over and over again for all eternity seemed a real waste of divine punishment. Why not get the bastard to paint fences or road lines forever, or continually dread irrigation channels, or continually plant trees in the Amazon, give something back to society? What used to anyone is to shoving a rock up a hill nonsense. It is punishment for punishment

sake rails Ian, and it does not help rehabilitate Ciciverse or benefit society as a whole. Grant Craig thinks that if anything, the excessive punishment meted out to Ciciverse glamorised him and his crimes. Ciciverse was punished for cheating death notes grant, and now, thanks to him, everyone wants to have medical treatment to live as long as possible, at vast economic costs to governments worldwide. Whilst I admire the Greek God's more flexible use of non-Castodial judicial sentencing continues grant, something today's prison obsessed legislators could well learn from, I believe the harshness of those sentences to have been counterproductive in the long term.

James daily agrees, and wonders where Cicifus is now. Even those use has long since quit his role as CEO of the Olympian Gods franchise, says James, presumably, Cicifus has no idea about that, and is still rolling that stupid boulder up that stupid hill. Maybe he's come to an acceptance of it and finds joy in simple things like the changing of the seasons, the rhythm of the days, and the sound of passes by going, ooooh, aah! Every time he gets near the top and the boulder rolls back down. passes by going, ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ending Boulder shoving torment. He'll have no support network says Emily. His family and buddies are not only all long since dead, but probably never existed in the first place, and no one really needs Boulder's rolled up hills anymore either, so it's not like he's picked

up any useful skills while serving his sentence. The Greek economy isn't in great shape, adds Emily, and the jobs market is tough enough for people in their fifties, let alone ex-myth stars who are several thousand years in the tooth. Steve in Oregon often wonders how many boulders Sisyphus has got through over the course of his sentence. Obviously notes Steve in Oregon which of course has its fair share of both boulders and mountains, it depends on the rock the boulders are made from, and the size and steepness of the hill it is being rolled up and then rolling down.

Then continue Steve you also have to factor in what type of terrain the bouldoulder encounters on the way, and what if anything is bringing it to a halt at the bottom. These could all affect the rate of erosion of the boulders, and indeed, whether or not they crack into smaller rocks. Any ideas anyone? Rebecca Leo pipes up, and notes that over the significant portion of eternity that the former King of Corinth has already served, whether erosion could also have been a factor, especially if the bowlers are made of a more porous or softer rock. Also, Cetra Becker, let's assume that Zeus doesn't let the bowler erode below a certain size, otherwise what's the point?

So, I reckon Old Cetra probably got through loads of bowlers, like maybe 28 bowlers, possibly even up to 35 bowlers. Beable Beablestein chips into wonder whether this whole discussion has been pointless. The chances are, beable blasts, that he's still on the original boulder, which was almost certainly a magic one. Remember, these Olympian gods could do anything. They could turn themselves into swans

to get their ends away and stuff like that. Or I can, they could come up with a non-arrowing punishment boulder, don't you? And Linda Colletta Fenger has absolutely no sympathy with Cicifus. If he's still shoving that stupid rock up and down that stupid hill, he's got only himself to blame. It is a clear contravention of his human rights, and any half decent lawyer would not only get him released from that sentence, but win him a fat compensation package too. Besides, as Linda, Cicifus was a total bastard who tried to kill his brother, who also by the way was an utter shithead. Besides, Ad's Linda, Cicifus was a total bastard who tried to kill his brother,

who also by the way was an utter shithead. Seriously, you've got to ask questions of the parents. I don't care how mythical they were. Here endeth, this week's lies. you