The Bugle - 4165: Below the Belt

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

Andy, Alice and Nish explore the British government's attempts to break the law, question if Covid is still around and wonder what Novak Djokovic is up to.GO TO OUR SITE FOR OUR NEW MERCH! WOO!Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarAlice FraserAnd produced by Chris Skinner LISTEN TO RICHIE FIRTH: TRAVEL HACKER. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers and welcome to issue 4165 of the Bugal Audio newspaper for a visual world with me. Andy Zoltzman coming to you live from Old Trafford Cricket Ground in Manchester, where I'm

in the final few days of my unexpectedly a cricketous summer. If you want to hear what a cricket ground sounds like at 9 o'clock in the morning when nothing's going on and I've got the window shut, this is it. Pretty special, I think you'll agree. Joining me from Sydney, Australia, it's the zero-time Olympic 15-meter human catapult individual gold medalist, Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, hello buglers, I hope you're all well there. I am well here except there appears to be a rescue helicopter going on quite close by so it's nothing that makes you feel weller than knowing that other people nearby are doing really badly. That's basically what powers international politics essentially isn't it? Deflancy. You're having a dream.

It's rage inflation. Ah, joyious also from London. It's the man who has never once claimed that he once saved the life of an injured leopard cub by putting on a leopard print leotard and sleeping with a stricken young cat in a tree and feeding it pastromy bagel until its mother returned from a working holiday in the Serengeti Nishkumar! Hello Andy, hello Alice, hello view glurs, and a couple of weeks ago I caught some more flack in sections of the British press for lacking impartiality in my comedy. So in the spirit of impartiality I will say it's nice to see you both and also it isn't

Will he listen and he can both go Yourself We're known as life skills we pick up I Absolutely fascinated by the fact that you are currently living out what I Assume is the plot of a short story you wrote when you were 11 years old, about a boy who has to live in a cricket ground. Yes, I don't know what kind of foul-stained pack with the devil that I've made that is going to rebound on me horrifically at some point in the future.

Well, I'll be honest, Andy, I know exactly what I found to you in back. I think eight months ago, you in some sort of weird back alley market stall were given a monkey paw and made a wish you would be able to live in a cricket ground. The monkey paw's finger curled. Someone f***ed a bat in China and now here we are. You didn't think the parameters through, Andy. Just because you could doesn't mean that you should. That's not the most outlandish theory on the origins of COVID that the world has yet heard.

So... We are recording on the 14th of September 2020. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, an awards section, after Donald Trump this week claimed to have won the Bay of Pigs award, a claim undercut only by the fact that the award does not exist. We look at other famous people in history who could feasibly have won awards, had those awards actually existed, including Shakespeare's, Dubonic's, Play Gremities,

Verbal Leviathan of the Year Award, Beethoven's Eurovision Sonata Contest victory, George Washington picking up the Hampton, Dillard, Feldry, divorce lawyer, Splitter of the Month Gong, and Mary Cury winning nominative determinism monthly's Woman of the Decade prize, two out of two,

for the happily wedded medical pioneer. Yes, the 14th of September 2020 and there are no relevant anniversaries whatsoever this week. None at all. Things may have happened on this date in history but I'm not going to tell you what they are this week, but I mean it's 9am. I'm not used to recording this early, I know woke up slightly late. It's good to share, Pete, on a sore eye for you, Alex. What time is it in about six in the evening? You've had the whole day. That's six in the evening here.

Yeah, I've had the whole day except that I've just recorded four episodes of a podcast. Well, I was up. I tell you which podcast it was but part of the conceit of the podcast is that it's daily and not recorded in batches. Well, very much under under your hat. Well, of course, I was busy until relatively late last night watching Australia massively choke a-day international cricket match to the amusement of everyone in old traffic and by everyone I mean about 30 people who were allowed in the ground this year. But I'm sure had there been a full crowd of English cricket fans and they would have

dealt with it with the good humans, dignity, fair mind andness and equanimity that we generally deal with cricketing victories over Australia. Well the thing is Andy as I've said to previous lovers in the past you know Australians need an audience. It was a sex joke. For me, you're non-sexy comedian. That's right, you're a family show. Family, 915 AM Alice, more to the point. This is a fucking family show recorded in the f***ing morning. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

MUSIC Top story this week. Britain fights the law, and the law is a bit surprised, and will probably win. This is a, it has been an interesting week niche for Britain's relationship with the international law. The government here has basically said that it will break international law in order to basically change the Brexit withdrawal agreement that it had negotiated and signed and sold to the public in a general election just months ago and now they say that it needs to be broken because

you know Brexit. And I think we've looked, I guess Boris Johnson does respect the law or be in the same way that Ron O'Modonald respects cows as something to be destroyed and reshaped to his own benefit, enabling him to live his dream of being a very public clown. It's truly uncanny. I mean, niches are Britain breaking global laws correspondent. You must have been very excited by this story. Yeah, listen, it turns out that Boris Johnson has the same respect for international law as he did for his marriage vows.

He'll say anything just to keep the process moving, but in six months time, the man is going to be crop spraying gism across the home counties like a bi-plane. And it'll be on the front page. Who exactly? He's f*****. Yeah. He's got a fuck people and it's going to be pretty common knowledge. But in order to keep things moving a log, he will agree to absolutely anything.

So yes, last week, last Tuesday, the government announced that they were going to table a bill to amend the Brexit deal. The announcement was leaked to the press and then formally made by Brandon Lewis, who is the winner of the Oh, him award for political obscurity. He's the Northern Ireland Secretary who admitted that the bill that the government's tabling would go against with Droll Treaty, thus breaking international law, but he said that we would do it in a specific and limited way. And that is how laws have always been interpreted Andy. If only Jack the Ripper had had the foresight

of the Conservative government to break laws in a limited and specific way, and had someone sit him down and say, look Jack, just try and keep it under three. And if you're gonna do it, do it with something weird, like an old sock or a VHS copy of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I mean, I sort of understand that the logic for Boris Johnson, because he needs a bit of a distraction. He's been conducting the orchestra of government very much like Herbert von Karian with the Berlin Philharmonic only instead of Herbert von Karian.

It's a giant squid on a bucking bronco in a wind tunnel with a load of battles and tentacles. And instead of the Berlin Philharmonic, it's a bunch of incompetent self-serving half-wits. And instead of their musical instruments, it's the future of the United Kingdom. And instead of sheet music, it's international law. And instead of trying to read that sheet music, they're ripping it up, pissing on it, and trying to set it on fire. That's what I'm for any classical music fans out there. Well I mean the point is he's not exactly been nailing it as prime. He's been nailing it but only in the way that the Roman centurion nailed it. The one, Septimus Flouradius Crayba

I think is known. I was allowed to was given a cross, a hammer, some nails, a Jesus and a set of IKEA style instructions all those easter as a go. And ended up with himself banged to the cross saying, I'm sure that's what the picture said. Maybe I needed to use the Allen key instead. Whilst a slightly cranky Jesus said, mate, can you get the **** down on Needis from a brand? So we needed a distraction.

So what better than a good old- fashioned bit of international law flouting? We've all done it. We've all done it. We've all done it. I mean, the problem with breaking international law is that the international legal agreements are all sort of done on good faith and handshake agreements and a general sort of. I mean, we, what we really need in this situation is to invent an enforcement mechanism. I think we need a judge-dread type law enforcement system for the UN to deploy along with, of course, their general disapproving shaking heads and various volumes of their current arsenal of tools in the war against doing the wrong thing. What we need is to take some of those Elon Musk pig chips and put them in the brains of police officers and get like a proper judge dread international policeman scenario that can just parachute in and kick Boris Johnson

the head for being an asshole. And also to be balanced guys you've been very partial in this podcast. For balance the government is good and crime is fine. I mean I guess it's inevitable with all these face masks knocking around society that people are going to start behaving like absolute bandits and essentially it's what? I've really got caught out by the use of the word, bandits there. I've got a bit 18th century on that, Joe. And I mean, let's not forget that this deal being negotiated. And you know, I guess we should say that he was never ridden roughshod over an international treaty

that he himself has negotiated signed an enthusiastically sort of people at a general election cast the first stone. But Boris Johnson, in tell us this deal was oven ready. I guess the only problem was that it seems that he doesn't know how to open an oven or indeed that you need to switch the oven on. And it also helps that when you're cooking something, it might be oven-ready, but it can still be poisonous.

I mean, Fanny Kraddx, short-lived but very briefly popular, bake it yourself strawberry and a strict-need muffin mix. That was oven-ready. I mean, you necessarily want to actually put it in the f***ing oven. Yeah, there's sort of two phases to this catastrophe. The first one is just the fact that it's happening at all. So the the the specific piece of legislation that's been violated is the Northern Ireland protocol which keeps Northern Ireland essentially in a hoki koki style sort of in and sort of out

arrangement with the European Union. And the build at the government is tabling, and which I think is coming for a second reading today, is basically the bill itself says this is effectively going to break that agreement, right? So that, first of all, that's bad. And arguably, what's worse is that 10 down extreme has been briefing the press to basically say that the withdrawal agreement was, what's worse is that 10 Downing Street has been briefing the press to basically say that the withdrawal agreement was sort of shit. So number 10 last week, brief the papers that the withdrawal agreement of the Nord-Lion Protocol aren't like any other treaty.

It was agreed at pace at the most challenging political circumstances to deliver on a clear political decision of the British people. So basically they've admitted we rushed it. The government is effectively taking the same attitude to the withdrawal bill as I did to my year eight geography exam in which I got 12.5%. Because I revised in a rush. And so for all Boris Johnson's promises in December that the deal that he had was oven ready,

it turns out he thinks his own deal is a bag of shit. And not only is the oven broken, it was never actually an oven, it was a cardboard box on which he had written the word oven and misspelled it. And not only was the deal itself not oven ready, it wasn't even a deal, it was a pack of sand and human hair and teeth

that he'd shoved into this cardboard box nightmare. But he says, you know, it's fulfilling the democratic decision of the British people. I mean, that is fair. And the democratic decision of the British people was to have a zero competence, zero ethic talent. So it's what we voted for. Let's give them some credit.

I mean, the British team, as you say, claim that the legislation was designed to protect the Good Friday Agreement as senior European official responded, that is bullshit and everyone knows it. And by the smallest of coincidences, bullshit and everyone knows it, was the subtitle of the successful Conservative Party manifesto

at last December's general election. The bullshit if everyone knows it was a very popular cat skills comedy duo back in the 1920s. Everyone knows it was the little one, right? It is pretty much putting the blame on the British public by saying, well, look, you hadn't voted for Brexit. We wouldn't have had to do such public by saying, we're looking at you hadn't voted for Brexit. We wouldn't have had to do such a terrible job of it. And if you hadn't voted, for us to all get coronavirus, we wouldn't have had to do such a terrible job on that.

Some other interesting reactions from the EU, an unnamed senior political source quoted, I think in the Times, about the way Britain is going about this, said, there is general agreement across the EU that they can go **** themselves. It's not the most diplomatic language but I guess again this is what the Brexit vote was all about. The right for us as God's chosen people hanging on mixing up my identity here but as the United Kingdom

the right for us the go... Intersectionality. The right for us to go f*** ourselves. We don't need any external assistance from Europe. We all f*** ourselves under our own steam. I mean, is this just kind of maneuver? Is it pre-fright trash talking, like when boxers say they're gonna smash their opponents back to the 1730s or punts and so hard they'll start having to smell things in Morse code or knock them out.

It's just so viciously they're going to wake up thinking they're one or both of Napoleon and Susan Sarandon. Is this what it is? Is it just a bit of trash talking? Well that is the theory isn't it? This sort of two theories about what this could be. One is that there were rumors that during the process of the withdrawal agreement, which was roundly disliked by most hardline break-sters, they were promised by Michael Gove and Dominic Cummings allegedly that the UK would reneg on this deal and do exactly what's happening at the moment. There's also another school of thought that suggests this is just saber-attling as a way of intimidating the EU ahead of the negotiations. But also, there is an ancient Hindu proverb that I think is relevant for this occasion. And I'm translating

very loosely, it goes something like this, sometimes a stupid unprincipled *** is just a stupid unprincipled ***. And really, it is a religion of culture with a real deep well of wisdom. I mean I think there's also a possibility that Boris Johnson has started to row back on the steel after hearing that he himself negotiated it on on that post phases alone. It was safe to assume that it was in all likelihood, absolutely insane. I mean, at least you're the kind of man who, if asked to solve that famous riddle about how you get a chicken,

a fox and some grain across a river and a boat, would eat the chicken, shoot the fox, sell the boat to a Russian billionaire, and grind the grain all over his nutsack while saying come to Captain Cornflake. So it's some... I have to disagree with you in the strongest possible terms there, Andrew. We all know that Boris Johnson would f*** the chicken, f*** the fox, and f*** the grain.

It is a little bit like pre-fight trash talking, Andy. If, when they got in the boxing ring, one of the members of the fight just ran around and round and round and round, it's going, catch me if you can, I'll fight you if you get me. It's also a bit like pre-fight, pre-fight, try to talk, if one of them was like, I'm definitely going to kick you in the nuts. I know it's illegal, but I'm 100% going to kick you in the nuts. Also, I've got a knife. But it's not so much kicking, saying, I'm going to kick you in the nuts. Also, I've got a knife. But it's more or not so much kicking,

saying, I'm going to kick you in the nuts. It's saying, I'm going to kick myself in the nuts. And then... And thank you, watch. You can hit below the bell if you're hitting yourself. Loophole. It's a loophole, everybody. The UK's chief Brexit negotiator has called for quotes realism from the European Union ahead of the next round of trade talks. But come on, let's be realistic. We cannot expect realism at this stage. That is the only bit of realism that we can bring to these in a go. The idea that realism is absolutely off the table.

The time for realism was ages ago. Now is the time for naked opportunism, delusional fantasies and last-minute trickery. And I expect that from both sides. That is trade negotiations 101. The time for realism was, well, A, before the 23rd of June 2016, or indeed any time between then and the 31st of January

this year, idealism has had a few pops in it, but it never really gets much done. So move over Rover and let opportunism and delusionism take over. The rogue, asset-stripping stepmother and psychologically ruinous absentee father of all politics. This one hour ago, a Tory MP, Theresa Villiers, has said that it's not unusual and in fact is routine for countries to disregard international law and has said that international laws are merely a set of political constructs. Having heated that advice from Theresa Williams, as soon as we finish recording this, I plan to walk into the street, completely naked, and start defecating in the middle of my nearest high street. When I'm around the held by the police, I will inform them

that all laws are simply a set of political constructs and they need to kill the f*** out. Yeah, just scream as they approach you. It's a norm, it's a norm. Rules are meant to be broken. We're being governed by people who are taking their cues from t-shirt slogans from the mid-90s. Oh happy times. But in the interest of balance also they are good. So there you go.

Thanks it's good to see this new perspective in your comedy this. You'll be right in a column in the daily telegraph scene. Hey, I'm 10 moves away at any one time from being on the Tory from Bench. I'm a high profile Asian. If I renounce all of my political views, I could be in a safe seat by October. Oh man, that is a sitcom waiting to happen. Covid news now and well it doesn't go on a way and well it was just pointing here in here in Britain despite the best efforts of everyone to ask it nicely, to go away. And to try and live as normally as possible, to try and just bore the virus

into leaving us alone. That doesn't seem to work either. The government has introduced a new rule of six in this country. Now, rule of six, of course, means many different things to many different people. To some people, it means the number of spins of a coin you have to lose consecutively before you finally get round to doing that vitally important paperwork you've been putting off. To others the rule of six was an influential electric and by the archeristocrat Lord Stravins, Ponsonby Windsor, the Duke of Grautby on human reproduction that was the first BBC broadcast on the matter which went out on the wireless back in 1928.

The rule of six. To some the rule of six is Law 19.7.1 of the laws of cricket. And to others, it's a short-lived jazz funk acid lullaby grunge folk shithouse collective that involved Bob Dylan, Rodden Jane from Rod Jane and Freddie from the British TV kid show Rainbow, ex-U and Secretary General Peres De Quayar, Kurt Cobain and Shram Privile. The world's leading Pam Schreiber impersonatorator who made a decent living in the 1980s, mimicking the mannerisms of the five-time women's double champion. But essentially what this rule is, is that under the latest clampdown, people are no longer allowed to meet in groups of more than six unless filling your list of exemptions here that is

pretty, pretty long. Is it possible to keep up with what the actual current advice is, or not? I mean, is it even worth bothering all of this? Well, Andy, the the short answer to that question is no and the long answer to that question is no. Yeah, it's another, it's been another confusing week in British, British coronavirus policy and really what this is discriminating against is people with large Asian families. Okay? I'm sorry, rule of six, this is some white people nonsense. Okay? This is some white family nonsense where you've got one uncle, one aunt. It would be impossible for me to gather my family together in a group of less than six.

Okay? I mean, Boris Johnson's spear three have got to feel really left out by now. LAUGHTER Don't take it a little personally. You got to interpret this rule as Boris Johnson excluding the ones he doesn't like. Spare three, not to be confused with the unwanted four. And...

LAUGHTER And the unaccounted four-five. The forgotten 15. The rule of six is indeed the rule of thumb for people who are so in bread that they've got an extra one, but Michael, Michael, go over, clarify these coronavirus rules after a surge in transmission rates. Under 12, who remain part of England's rule of six, while under sixes will be part of a rule of 12, and one bushel of hand sanitizer is equal to 14 feet of social distance, but if you're outdoors, it's the same. Elderly people and people with pre-existing health conditions are to be considered worth one-third of a land

owner who will get 2.5 bulls to throw in the pot from a distance of 4 feet if you're holding your breath or 8 feet if you're breathing it at an all rate all clear Right good. Yeah, that is that is much clearer than I mean We've tracked during the bugle the way the government advice has changed earlier in the year Schools receive 40 different pieces of government advice in a single week. I mean these are not so much 40 different pieces of government advice in a single week. I mean these are not so much. It individual policy U-turns as policy, quintuple, salcos followed by a triple twisting pike back, Somersault. And that line does involve a mixture of ice skating and high board diving,

but can any of us truly say we would not instantly tune into what that sport, that would be truly sensational. The group of six policy does slightly fly in the face of the government, is simultaneously encouraging people to go back to work in offices and also has rolled out the opening of the school year. This is the problem when you have a government entirely made up for people that went to elite private schools with class sizes of less than six. This is exactly the issue. The problem is now that the people are saying, well you've got the rule of six, what about a classroom, so they're like, well they're fine.

There's only three of you, class matron. Well, actually, my school in my A level Greek class, you know, only needed a rule of two. It was me and the teacher. But it's funny is that children's parties involving the same children who those children have spent the entire week in a single room with have now become illegal, whereas a legally breaking international law is not illegal. Which,'s that's a confusing world for the kids to try and get get their head around and regarding the U-cherns and U-cherns, I think U-cherns is better to have a better term for it, Andy. You're some conscious, a stumbled upon a more reflective price. An anonymous Tory MP quoted in the time said, it's an utter, utter shit show.

Mess after mess, you turn after you turn. God knows what is going on. Well, does he? Let's find out. Or mighty Lord, what is going on with the government? LAUGHTER Fucking typical. Typical. Just not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not it just advised people, I mean, this is the nanny state gone mad, isn't it?

We let people make their own decisions about whether or not to kill their grannies. I mean, the state should not interfere in British people's personal choices over whether or not they freely commit grand mattresside. Yes. Yes. Grand mattresside was your wrestling name, wasn't it, son?

It was, yeah. Another new slogan, hands face space, of course with the original members of the A team, face was the only one who survived the classic line up. Space was off his not on aggressively potent prescription medication, 98% of the time, and hands, even by the standards of the day, wasn't allowed on set with any women. Hands face space also the name of the short live 1970s disco supergroup featuring England wiki keeper Alan Nott, Rod Stewart and Neil Armstrong. There are one hit stumped on the moon and a killed led to creative tensions in the end of the band sadly. It's been a long week.

And you're looking at the stay behind you, it looks like you've already committed mattress side. It's like you're in a cricket-based remake of the shining. All work at no-days play makes Andy a dull boy. I mean this whole thing has been set up for a classic agathicrystie style murder mystery. Current and former cricketers and media people locked in a cricket ground for weeks on end. I mean it's amazing that everyone is still alive. It was Jimmy Anderson with the middle stump.

Right that novel, Salzburg. Right that novel. On the plus side for Britain, the government is going to test absolutely everyone in the world on an hourly basis within maybe a week or so. They've announced the latest moon shot, they've called it a moon shot test program. It's just a bit of reminiscent of King Canutes operation dry tutsies that went so disasterously, sock-wettingly wrong, all those years ago.

Understand all skepticism about whether the government can pull this one off, given that they've failed to do anything at any basic level of competence. Would you go on a polar expedition with someone who'd just come back from a trip to the local corner shop to buy milk and bread with a dead rat and a six pack of special brews saying what this do? I don't think I would man a space mission organized by Boris Johnson for fear that we turn up, we turn up to the launch site and find that instead of jet propulsion engine, he's just strapped a bunch of fireworks to a toilet roll tube. Moonshot was a terrible phrase, I'd less by which he meant he's going to show us his ass and hope that does something. Peace news now and the Afghan government and the Taliban are in peace talks, the first ever peace talks between the sides following months of delays and pressure from America on both.

There are concerns that it's being pushed by America as an election gambit by Donald Trump. I mean, it's possible that something good might come out of Trump's rampaging self-interest. I mean, his moral compass does point unerringly towards that rampaging self-interest and the needle on that compass is shaped in an exact silhouette of his own wing. But perhaps on this occasion the fact that he could hawk an Afghanistan peace deal to the US voters as a counterweight to the megatons of incompetence on the other side of the scales might actually work in the world's favours. Is this a straw we can be clutching at? I mean, it would be amazing if it's able to happen. But I mean, from an American perspective, it might feel a bit like the time I followed through

once farting and took the opportunity to discard some old pants. Yes, ultimately, there is a net benefit to me, but at what moral cost? LAUGHTER Well, I just think bringing the Taliban to the table, isn't that benefit to me, but at what moral cost? LAUGHTER Well, I just think, you know, bringing the Taliban to the table, Donald Trump has done an enormous amount of work, because I know that one of their sort of agendas is bringing down the West, and they can just look at him and be like, actually, we can take a back seat now.

LAUGHTER Now, I do have to pick you up on one piece of factual accuracy there. It's not the first time they've had peace talks. It is the first time that the Taliban have actually attended. Also, as a side note, it is a very strange thing to read news reports that include the phrase, delegates from the Taliban, because it's not an organisation you traditionally associate with having delegates. This isn't actually the first time they've been...

So human resources at the Taliban. It's not the first time they've had talks. It's the first time that the Taliban have actually sent somebody. So 10 years ago, Afghan leaders were in conversation with the Taliban, or at least they thought they were, because they regained some secret talks with a high level delegate from the Taliban. One of the most senior commanders of the man, they believed to be Mullah Akhtar Muhammad Mansur. This was in 2010 as part of the that year's round of peace talks that the US was trying to organize. Only there was one problem.

It turned out that Mullah Aqta Muhammad Mansur was not Mullah Aqta Muhammad Mansur at all and was in fact a grocer from Pakistan. So the Taliban... Ah, putting the Aqta into Mullah Aqta. Yeah, boom! But he had just sent a grouse to the talks and I was the dip for that at the time, said to the New York Times.

It's not him, and we gave him a lot of money. The American officials eventually worked out that he wasn't a member of the Taliban leadership at all. But in his trip to the peace talks, he met with... He was flown on a data aircraft to the presidential palace and met with their Afghan president, Hamid Karzai. But it's absolutely incredible. I remember when we were a kid, we were all impressed that a sort of situation

is prankster, was able to sneak into a man-in-ite a team photo. This one managed to get into a meeting with the Afghan president about peace talks with the Taliban. Take that Banksy. Among the Afghani government appointed negotiators, there are four women who have promised to preserve any women's rights in a power sharing deal with the hardline Taliban. And that's

got to be a weird meeting to go into where you're not sure if you can agree on the basic premise that you're a person? I guess for the point of view of the politics of it in America, anything Trump thinks will help his election prospects he's prepared to do. He would be prepared to drown a basket of puppies in a vat of cheap whiskey in front of a school room full of weeping six-year-olds if it gave him a two-point bump in the polls. He would do an interpretive modern dance on the theme of the rules of snooker if it flies in a swing state. He would create a fairer society

with a healthcare and social security system that benefits the most vulnerable in society. If he thought he would help him, but America being America, that would be borderline electoral suicide. He would have sex with a reanimated woolly mammoth if he'll actually, you'd probably do that anyway, but the point stands.

Mike Pompeo told Fox News, I don't know what they're talking about in terms of politics, this has always been about delivering counterterrorism, protecting America and reducing the cost, both in blood and treasure to the American public. Now I don't know if he had a parrot on his shoulder when he said that, but I think a skull and crossbones might be a more appropriate flag for the USA these days. But also the interest of balance, Trump is good and so is war.

High tech robot pig news now and Alice you're the bugles high tech bionic livestock correspondent. The cartoon billionaire, Tecropinor Elon Musk, has announced that one of his companies, Neuralink, has implanted wireless technology into the brains of three pigs. How significant is this both for humanity and the pigity, if that's the pig equivalent of humanity, and indeed for the dream of having kosher bacon. Well, Andy, it is a massive step for both pig and human kind. If you've ever wanted a Wi-Fi-enabled pig, it's a great thing to know that not just do we have an internet of things, we also have an internet of pigs. You can remotely access your pig from a distance away. You can, I don't know what you can do with the pig. He's just put

chips in pigs, which is the start of an incredibly dystopian future in which the pigs achieve sentience and escape and fire themselves onto the moon in a Tesla. Like I don't understand. What is happening? I don't know why it's happening, but I am all for it. I mean, it's, you know, he's basically read Animal Farm and thought, oh, that's a good idea. See if we can make that happen. He described them as healthy, happy, and indistinguishable from a normal pig, which by coincidence is Silvia Bellas-Goneys online dating profile. And it's great to have a pig that is

internet linked, you know, that all the benefits of a pig with all the benefits of the internet, you know, because as well as oinking in time on a pig style and, you know, creating creating sausages musk's high tech pig He can also give you pictures of celebrities with no makeup on a free bet on something and classic black and white sports footage from the 1950s, so you know this is This got to be one of the greatest animals in in history. I've said it before I will say it again Elon Musk is a baby's idea of a grown-up. All he wants is talking pigs. He's got all the money and resources in the world and he's using

a descent, cars to space, like the Wang fantasy of nerds that we've they were brave enough to be our souls. I can never make up my mind on whether I like Elon Musk or whether he's an asshole, but I can rest assured that he absolutely will not care. Elon Musk, whether he's an asshole, but I can rest assured that he absolutely will not care. The Musk pig follows the less successful launch of his new ox, and it's further through that a humanity simply cannot be trusted with its own planet, be some children never grow up and see Elon Musk is provably fictitious. Sports news now and well there's been some naughty sports people around the world in the

last week or so. When you hear something described as sad and empty these days it comes as no great surprise but you assume that it's someone talking about, perhaps Britain's latest Brexit negotiating threats, or any theatre in the year 2020, or the future of all humanity, or a fake dinosaur egg they brought on eBay to try to cross the domestic egg you on and to make a market-friendly non-violent safer saw. But in the last week, these words, safe and empty, used used by Novak Jokovic about his own feelings after the Serbian tennis star, also known as the tennis tech unbeatable robot, Ralea 3000X, was disqualified from the US open for thwacking a tennis ball

into the throat of a line judge. And I'll just give it some context, Jokovic did not deliberately take aim at the line judge, shout lunch, open wide and slam a forehand directly into her gullet. But in a fit of just having lost his service to give nondescript Spanish player Pablo Carone a buster of chance or so with the first set, peak, he flaps the spare ball from his pocket behind him and it hit the line judge in the throat. Now unfortunately for Jocovic, turned out she was not one of those people who really enjoys being hit in the throat by relatively fastening tennis ball that has been struck. She might enjoy it just because she can send.

Yeah, well, she didn't, sadly. So in that sense, he was just a bit unlucky. However, prolonged discussion with the tournament referee, Jockovich was turfed out. His plea and mitigation that he didn't mean to hit the line judge was somewhat undermined by the fact that, well, he's played a lot of professional tennis and he probably should have known that behind where the players are on the court, there are generally, for example, line judges and ball kids are totally often five human beings, all of whom often have

fruits. So, I mean, it's not the worst thing he could have done, it's not going overboard, it's not like he promoted a tennis tournament with big crowds during a pandemic in which he another leading player sticks around a nightcloth prompting a wave of COVID infections, jeopardising the rest of the tennis season, quite a part of the wellbeing of thousands of people.

It's not like he did that. I mean, which by unlucky coins until he might also have done this year, but he was still a bit naughty, really. Well, and it's not like he also has started an organization within the organizations that already exist within the game. One of whose central tenets is to fight the idea that MEDEDWOOD would be playing the same amount of prize money.

It's not as if he's done that. It's definitely not done that. He's not also pushed outlandish anti-factor propaganda, either. It's not like he's done that. He just hit a ball and accidentally hit a person. Let's get in perspective. Well, you know, for balance, I think we should all look at a way of rehabilitating Novak Djokovic. And in this modern world, retributive justice is very popular. I reckon he should line stream the line person, punching him in the throat to balance the scales in that kind of hampicode of Hammurabi, Iphone I sort of way, only then will the people be satiated.

Drocklitz has reassured his fans that he will have been fully rebooted and reprogrammed by the time the delayed French Open begins. Personally, I prefer the 1970s Yul Brun and tennis robot, but it beats to their own. Well, thank you very much for joining me. I've got a return to thinking about cricket. We'll be back next week. All right, anything to plug? Yes, I have a daily satirical news podcast set in an alternate dimension called the last post You've been a guest on that or your alternate dimension person has as has niche as has a Chris Skinner And you wouldn't know anything about that personally, but your alternate dimension people seem to be having a great time

Also, I guessed it on the podcast, which was a great time Also, you can see my special savage on Amazon Prime. That's a thing. Oh, or patreon.com slash hours Fraser. Uh, this is anything to plug. Hello America is on Quibi and it comes out twice a week. And also I would like to plug the law. And the importance of following it. Um, you can, you can hear me on, well the last cricket game on Wednesday. The importance of following it. You can hear me on the last cricket game on Wednesday, also BBC's news quiz for the

next few weeks. We'll be back with another bugle next week. Until then, obey all international law unless it is slightly inconvenient. Goodbye, bugles. We will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers. To join them, or to make a recurring or one-off donation of a size of your choosing, go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the donate button. Klaus Pederson would not be averse to a return to the process of ostracizing, by which citizens could be expelled from ancient Athens for ten years by democratic vote. I reckon it could be just the shot in the arm that modern democracy needs, explains Clouse.

I've got a list of candidates from public life who are more than happy to nominate, if you've got a couple of hours to spare for me to read out all their names, you could send them all to a special ostracism island as well for a reality TV show, so the self-obsessed bastards would probably be right up for it. To buy us Schmitthouse, once had an extremely animated argument with a professional golfer who shall remain nameless, on where the chicken should be reclassified as a vegetable on the grounds that you can use it in a salad. It was an argument in which neither party was prepared to concede any philosophical ground, both sides claimed victory, and chicken remained

located in the meat aisle at the local supermarket. Tobias has never enjoyed watching golf ever since. Stephen Eames is tired of the uncertainties surrounding what the world will be like in 300 years' time. I haven't got time to wait around to find out Blast Stephen, I want answers now. If you extrapolate from 300 years ago to now and then 300 years more into the future, it should be easy enough to work it out. I reckon we'll all be living in luxury flying solo hammocks, speaking one language with a total of 130 words in it, printing babies in special laboratories and eating vegan coal. By neither coincidence,

nor contrast, Craig Hewitt would like to do some proper research into that vague feeling of having accidentally buried yourself in uncooked macaroni. Maybe it's just me, says Craig, and it can be cured by taking a hot bath for 11-14 minutes depending on whether you like your pasta, al dente or not. But it's one of the many vague feelings that we just don't know enough about, like the vague feeling if you're chair being on a very slight left to right slope, and the vague feeling of a broken toaster slowly clamping itself around your fingers. David Reiner wonders whether the issue of tax avoidance by the extremely wealthy could be solved by marketing public services as must have luxuries. These people love spending an unnecessary

amount of money on totally unnecessary stuff like wasp ovary serum for healthier looking earlobes or spare megyots or designer accessories that look like they've been designed by five year olds at an un-staffed primary school art class. If we tell them that a functioning welfare state is a trendy A-lister accessory, they'll pile right in. And Jonathan Miles does not enjoy exaggeration. I'd say it's my least favourite thing in the entire universe, says Jonathan, and by a hell of a large margin too. Hang on, he continues, that felt oddly good. I might have to reassess my original statement on reflection. I think that might actually be the biggest lie anyone has ever told. Oh yeah! I feel like a new person in every conceivable facet of my being.

Wow! Here end it, the lies.