The Bugle - 4166 - Five Year Piggiversary

Episode Date: September 22, 2020

Andy, Josh and Tiff turn their attention to Trump’s trampling of RBG’s legacy, discover there are too many hurricanes, and start prepping. Plus, a very special anniversary.GO TO THE STORE TO SEE NEW MERCH!Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanTiff StevensonJosh GondelmanAnd produced by Chris Skinner LISTEN TO RICHIE FIRTH: TRAVEL HACKER. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, Audio New Audio newspaper for a visual world recorded here in London where as I speak the government are rumored to be about to ban all reporting of the government due to it being a COVID hazard because it has now become impossible to read, hear about, or see what the government have just done without shouting, screaming, or in some way, accidentally

rage-flobbing at your television radio or other news device. It's best for everyone, if no one knows anything. I am still in the shed, which I've now not left for six months. Aspergerally, obviously I haven't left it physically, but my soul is in the shed, in the words of the hit Motown star, Gary the Gardner, I believe. Joining me from their own respective day facto sheds in London, it's Tiffany Stevenson, Palau Tiff. Hi, I'm in my turquoise bedroom. I'm trying to find tranquility. Paint your way to happiness. There's to answer. I've not checked the news for the last three minutes. Are there any lockdown regulations that I've missed? Everything's changed. I think people are going to die from confusion, like the episode of Portlandia. So we are inches away from that happening, I think.

And joining us from New York City, where I'm sure things are absolutely fine, it's Josh Gondelman. Hello, it's such a pleasure to be here in my own home, which, you know, a shed of the mind. And New York City, I don't know if you saw this has just been labeled by this is real by the Department of Justice. The New York City has been labeled an anarchist jurisdiction. That's true. The Department of Justice has said there's too much anarchy happening in New York,

which I don't know. That anarchist jurisdiction would have been a great punk album, but CBGB is this close, and I don't think we hold that title belt anymore. So how is this anarchist jurisdiction manifesting it? I mean, all those two mutually exclusive words for- That's true. That's true.

You can have an anarchist melee or a somewhat disorderly jurisdiction, That's true. You've got like you can have like an anarchist melee or Or a somewhat disorderly jurisdiction, but I feel like anarchist and jurisdiction. Yeah, it's a it's a real jumbo shrimp situation here in Brooklyn I want to walk cookbooks they have in the restaurants Yeah, the anarchist cookbook where I'm where I'm from now is a lot more kale than I remember in the old one. Just a lot more blistered syschido peppers. We are recording on Monday the 21st of September 2020 making it five years to the day since David Cameron's Piggate scandal erupted the obviously groundless scurility which claimed that the then Prime Minister had as a younger

man how to put this delicately on this family show. Inserted what I believe young Tories at the time referred to as his trouser Margaret into the oralifus of an indebted porcan anemoleum or in layman's terms. He f***ed a dead pig's head. Allegedly, allegedly, some might say, of course, no smoke without fire. I would say what does smoke mean bacon and history has shown? But in many ways this was David Cameron's greatest legacy, great is positive legacy to Britain and to, admittedly not from a very long list of positive legacies that David Cameron left behind for.

What we are seeing now played out before us every day is the terrifying reality of having a Prime Minister who has not a dead taste head, but is constantly distracted by wondering what it would be like to do so. So we should be thankful for what we have looking back with hindsight. Cameron himself recently took some time out from his hectic daily schedule of not giving a shit about the Gerrard Baum of devastation.

He's uncorked all over the night at Keenum before walks off into the sunset to play with his fucking Lego. I took some time out from that busy schedule to wait into the bait about the wrongs and very wrongs of the Johnson Junters plans to flout international law, the former Prime Minister and Harbinger of avoidable devastation said it should only be a final resort to break international law.

Interestingly, opted not to go for the definite no-no when it comes to baking illegality into the heart of government. But then again, he f**ked a dead pig's head allegedly. So had evidently made a decision about the elasticity of moral boundaries some time ago. I wonder going back just a second, if breaking international law is last resort, what number resort is having sex with the dead pigs had allegedly? Is it the penultimate resort? Is it the anti-penultimate resort? Is it some, is it before that? Is it like fourth resort? F*** a dead pig. I think the resort is Mar-a-Lago.

There's a living pig there, you. A living pig there who allegedly loves to f***ing. I mean, in terms of last resort, aside from it being where David Cameron is currently on holiday, you do have to ask, is it really a last resort? Has this government really tried everything else to avoid breaking the treaty? To me, they're approaching more like putting your eight-year-old son in an old people's home and saying we have to accept it's best for everyone. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a bugle merch section, we have expanded our minimalist range of belated merchandise, stroke, clotheereal propaganda, and you can now find the expanded slightly expanded range by going to

the peopleporkast.com and clicking the merch button, they will find the option to buy socks, and what an item of clothing the sock is, the eco-friendly rubbish sack for your almost certainly unpleasant feet. Let's face it, the human foot is a f***ing design disaster from an aesthetic point of view, which is why human civilization wasted no time in inventing the sock, which has really reached its apotheosis with the bugle socks available in orange and non-orange varieties and in one size, Chris is that right currently just the one size? No, you can be anywhere between size seven and eleven and people fit you. Okay, what about those? Well, if your foot is below the required foot size for a bugle sock, just cake it in clay until it's simply big. You can also buy the t-shirt because Torsosa meant to be covered.

The badge, the bugle badge in case all humanity is suddenly vaporised and you want the aliens who discover and recolonise the earth to know that you are a bugle fan. So try our new Armageddon proof badge. There are stickers which come in multi packs of how many stickers Chris? More than one less than three. Alright, okay. Right, in that callable patch. I actually can't remember, it's so long ago.

You know this has been an ongoing conversation for years. Yeah, yeah, it's been a while. Anyway, so you can stick it to anything, literally and legally, I believe you have dispensation to stick it on anything or anyone, or if you don't fancy stickers, badges, t-shirts and socks, do you have a head? Then why not try a bugle cap?

Why not protect your head from a the unwanted light of truth and or the sun with the peak of the cap. Also, it comes absolutely free with the rest of a cap, so non-specialty to provide emergency, unruly hair restraint, stroppy god-moleifying paint coverage, or an on-the-spot, Gulfer and Personation Accessory. And you can pre-order the Bugle Christmas Jumper, which is scientifically proven to cause you to receive up to or more than 27% more presents than non-Bugle Christmas Jumper, whereas no refunds, if your government cancels Christmas, which does now look increasingly likely, the Bugle Christmas Jumper has been tested in laboratories and also works just as well

on over 40 other religious festivals, and has a half-life of 23 Christmas's, meaning it will still just about be usable in the year 2043. So go to the BuglePodcast.com, click the merch button and you can now go out, close head to toe in Bugle Merch, albeit with a bit of an alarming gap between the hem of your t-shirt, stroke Christmas jumper, and the top of your socks. So please use your stickers on whatever exposed parts of your anatomy most need them, and do be very careful with the badge pin.

That's go to BuglePockers.com and click Merch. I'll go with the hard sell, Chris. It was good. I'm only slightly regretting not ordering pants with your face on it now. Top story now, badly timed deaths news and it's been well I mean I'm a big fan of Ruth Bader Ginsburg what she's done in her life, what she means to America. But I have to quibble in the strongest possible terms with when she chose to allow herself to shuffle

off this mortal coil. Josh, I mean, six, six, six more weeks, really too much to ask from this Titanic figure of American life. Why the fuck did it have to be now? I, you know, it's a tough time. It's the people she meant so much. She's done so much good. She, um, people have been pointing out that her record was not flawless, which I understand, but you can hold those two ideas together, right? That's also true of the band Weezer.

And, uh, and I'm still, you know, I still remember the good times. I do. There's been too few people this week, Josh, who have made that link. Thank you. Thank you. Ruth, by the Ginsbook and Weezer. And I think, thank you for bringing that, you know, tying it all together, giving it a point. There's one point of commonality. It's a slender bend diagram, but I threaded the needle. This is what I think. It's a really bad time for her to die. Again, I think it was a real error in judgment, but as Andy is Andy intimated, but I think in her dying days, she said that her last wish was that she not be replaced until after the presidential election Which I also hope but the problem is it is up to Mitch McConnell to grant that wish And let's just say if the make a wish foundation were the Mitch a wish foundation

He would respond to most dying children by laughing in their faces and bragging about how much revenue their medical treatment generates for health insurance companies So I don't think there's a lot of chance that this wish will be granted. So basically there's six weeks to go until the presidential election. And so this has kicked off an unseemly race to replace Ruth Baider Ginsburg, and essentially skew American democracy and justice by speed appointing her successor and an attempt to hand-made an American society back to what my own little unitics think was the time that it was that it was great. I mean it's quite hard for us outsiders to understand Josh how

how this system works. It is kind of a unique system with a lot of intricate rules that people outside it aren't, you know, just it's kind of a pick. This is, I will say how I feel when you talk about cricket. But it is, so- Yeah, well at least the difference is Josh. That cricket is a game that does not shape an influence the lives of generations of people to come. I mean, it is the greatest thing ever invented by humanity, but it doesn't have quite the same implications as... That's true. ...dicking around with a Supreme Court.

Yes. So what happens is the president will nominate a judge and then the head of the Senate, who's at this point, the Senate Majority Mitch McConnell will call hearings. We'll hear about this judge. we'll hear how horrible they are. Remember Brett Kavanaugh, he cried remembering weightlifting in high school, he was accused of sexual misconduct, and then the Republican senators will go, that's our guy. And, and though it seems like in a fit of what they would pretend is progress, they might say, that's our horrible lady this time. So that's a new step forward for them,

is acknowledging that women can also put forth their destructive conservative agenda. And I guess that's a quality. So Toby Turtle, which is what I like to call Mitch McConnell, is I do think he looks a bit like the character from Robin Hurd, I don't know if you remember. He said four years ago it would be disgraceful and unprecedented to push through the democratic nominee at the time.

But now, when it suits the Republicans, as appeared to do a complete 180, and how do you shame, shame free people? Trump was at a rally and they were chanting fill that seat, and it's weird to me that pro-lifers are so quick to celebrate death. And how quickly they can, because Trump said it's going to be a woman, right? But we know that it's not just going to be any woman, it will be a tub thumping, wound bovring, godfiring, homophobic woman, probably, most likely, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess on that political tinder, that's those are the attributes that I mean.

Swipe right on. Because I think the big, the big kind what I from what I'm seeing from the outside Because I'm a woman so you can tell me if if I'm wrong Josh is that the big The big The the big push here is gonna be to overturn Roe versus Wade because a lot of the Republicans think that it was a tennis match. So there's a bit of confusion there this match. So there's a bit of confusion there. But yeah, so that that that that can be overturned and something one of their health is like the the American the Affordable Health Care Act as well. Is that correct? Right. Yes. So I think the one thing about the Republican

Party is that you know, they want to take away all these health protections, the scant view that we have in this country, proving that they don't also, they don't only want a smaller government, they also want fewer citizens. That's something that they're moving towards, just a smaller overall population. Right, right. And there's a, is there a strong, is it Mike Cordroy? I think I saw him tweeting like goodbye, Roe vs Wade. And then the scientific American came out

to endorse Biden, having never endorsed anyone before. So do we think that it's generally like a, I think that's gonna help the Democrats? I feel like it will, but I could be completely wrong. It's hard to say because I think the Democrats are operating from a place of extreme terror, which I think is a good motivator, right? That is when people are terrified

that's when they run the fastest. That's when they scream the loudest. So I do think it is a powerful motivator, but the Republicans are now working from just, I guess a position of being fully to messant and horny for nihilism, which I think is also just when you can the whole void, that is a proper motivator.

Just I'm gonna fill up that void with my nihilism. That's how Nietzsche talked dirty, by the way. God knows what his safe word was. I feel like when you're a nihilist you don't believe in safe words if you die you die. But it does seem all to trust the future of justice for the next decades to a single president. I get it might have made just about a smidgen of sense back in the long distant past when you could reasonably expect the president to have a better than 50% chance of not being a psychotic bellend. But those days are sadly gone. And like I said, it's

difficult to understand as an outsider. All bit we in Britain are more and more trying to emulate, and even at times, surpass the craven battery of you, our former colonial colleagues in America. But basically, all the ways America loves to undermine itself, democratically, whether it's your P-brained electoral system, the de facto theoretical legalization of all crime, that is the presidential pardon, the gangrenous plutocracy, the rancid corporate parasitism, whatever it is, whatever bogus validations are wheeled out to justify everything. The appointment of Supreme Court justices seems to be right up there with the most politically corrosive. Is it time for America to just

get its constitution, stick it through a shredder and start with a blank sheet of paper and say, Orek and we can have another crack at this? I look, I certainly think we've got to do some amending. I don't know if I trust the people in charge. They might just shred it and leave it shredded. I mean, Donald Trump's business seems like they know their way around a paper shredder. Right. That's the When you tell Donald Trump shred the papers, he says, how small He's not. Yeah, you want him to shred the Constitution? He'll shred it. He'll burn it. He'll find some way to to cover up that it ever happened

But I do the the Supreme Court is there are so many, the Senate, the Supreme Court, kind of weirdly undemocratic institutions. Having nine people decide your fate forever would be like appointing a Boston Red Sox for life. And just having them play every game, no matter how decrepit and close to death they are until they decide that they want to retire. And that is a terrifying proposition, even as bad as the Red Sox have been in this COVID truncated season. So there's six weeks to go in one of the all-time classic, sexual, generic, and on-set food, generic, and clashes. Reminiscing, it's some of the classic, Politburo Bureau karaoke nights back in the late Virginia era. I mean, what's your expectation of this stage?

Josh, I mean Biden clearly is not the ideal candidate, but then the much of America would gladly take an uncontrollably shitting dog running on a ticket with an incontinent penguin, terrapin, donkey, cross breeders, it's VP nomination. So how is it going to pan out, do you think? Oh, I hesitate to make any predictions, cause Donald Trump is, when you say a shitting dog,

he's just the shit, right? You don't even get the benefit of the dog with Donald Trump. It's just, he's kind of diarrhea animated to life. And Joe Biden, his campaign is kind of like a Floyd Mayweather type campaign in that he's mostly playing defense He's not taking a lot of big swings and he's been accused of misconduct by numerous women So like it's not a great situation but I that was please you know if I had to bet if I if I were if I were a betting man

I would prefer to be the house in the situation and just take the bets no matter what. But as a human being with skin in the game, again, I'll say my prediction is the fastest running, the loudest screaming that we've seen in the long time. And the role that the Christian right is continually baffling in the Trump era. I mean, I've raised it the stage where I think that if Jesus Christ himself would to make his long awaited comeback and announce that he was standing for the Democrats, the Christian right would still not only back Trump, but also fund his campaign attack adverse, accusing Jesus of being soft on welfare.

Yeah, soft on crime, kind of a socialist. From the Middle East, that's a dog whistle, right? They would go hard into it. I think there is probably a section of the Christian right, who is less excited for the return of Christ than Kid Rock's next comeback out there. So, it's a tough set of circumstances. Kid Rock was briefly Jesus' nickname, of course, after.

Famous escape scene. In other American news, America has run out of names for all the hurricanes that are pounding it at the moment. They've gone through the whole English alphabet and have now been reduced to using letters from the Greek alphabet as well to name the hurricanes. I mean the way climate change is going or and the way climate change is going, or, and the way climate change is going, clearly English and Greek Alphabets won't be enough to cover an entire year of storm soon. You can even throw in the Hebrew alphabet and the Russian, the Russian one-page attention on people,

even that won't be enough. We'll soon be digging out the Egyptian hire a glyphs before too long, or I can buy 2037 tropical storm seated man holding stick will be battering Louisiana. Josh, it's, I mean, you know, as Trump yet suggested, this is preemptive divine vengeance for possibly electing Joe Biden as president. Oh, he, well, he did say that if Joe Biden is elected, there will be no God. So I think that covers, that covers this. That's pretty true. It is a rough sign for the environment, right, that we're running out of names for the tropical storms. That's

a bad one. I think we should start naming them after it, because we just give them first names, right? Hurricane Steve. Now we should name them after specific people who don't believe that climate change is a problem. Like, Hurricane Ted Cruz is hammering the Gulf Coast, ruining everything that Hurricane, a real piece of shit who doesn't care whether you live or die, just to really drive the point home. You can't, now they've moved on to the Greek alphabet. You can't help making assumptions about storms, alpha and beta, though.

Storm alpha, punch in its way through the countryside on testosterone replacement, listening to Joe Rogan podcast and storm beta sipping a Latin casually scrolling through the NPR's website. But you know I've said it before America a lot of times in terms of weather feels like the hell mouth from Buffy and the apocalypse is emanating right from it. How could you still be denying climate change when was it in Silicon Valley? They had like record temperatures

and you think, God, if you're a climate change denier, all those old white Republican farts, welcome to the heat wave that's gonna melt you like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Art. I, this is so strange to me too, that they say they're running out of names. I do think that that's a little like, okay, I live in Brooklyn. I've seen how people name their children these days.

So, yes, if we went exactly proportionally, there would be a lot of hurricane addicuses, that would be invoked. But people get creative. We could have a hurricane, Jamalyn, a hurricane, Figgly, a hurricane, Wes Anderson movie, all one word. I think it's weird that we give them human names at all because it just sounds like they're moody friends, right? Like tropical storm Eric has been upgraded to a class three and it's like, well why? He says quote, oh you should know why and if you don't there's nothing to talk about. The female names always make it sound as if the storm is pre-menstrual.

Oh, it's hurricane season with tropical storm bath. Special relationship news now, and Britain has taken the arguably belated step of stripping Harvey Weinstein, the convicted rapist and sex offender of his CBE honor. This week, that is not, they didn't strip it when he was convicted or when mountains of accusations happen against him over this week. It took until this week, Fimton, no longer be officially a commander of the order of the British Empire. Now, aside from the obvious question of what took so fucking long, there are other questions that arise, such as how did he get a CBE in the first place, other than just big, essentially

rich and famous. Why do we have CBEs when the E in CBE ceased to exist a significantly long time ago? And also, seriously, what took so fucking long? There's a lot of resting predator face in the entertainment industry. And I feel like we're gonna be seeing more and more of these happening.

I think if the queen is gonna remove it, she should remove it personally, same as how she gives it personally. So she's gonna, I know he's not in Rikers Island now. I know he's moved somewhere else, but I think she should turn up at the prison with a sword or preferably a shiv and take it away from him

then she should cut his nose, Chinatown style. Like that's how I think it should happen. But I mean, there's always, we didn't take it away from Savile. He died and everyone went, there's no point, because it's like gone now. And you're like, well, he still gets to have that next to his name. There's always a debate every year over like, who should get the honors?

And in 2016, this is just goes to show the double standard, Woman's Zone magazine, Ranna Survey, debating whether Victoria Beckham to be OBE material, even though David had one, and no one questioned giving David Beckham an OBE. So let me just give you a list of who they have given them to. They gave one to Savile, they gave one to Rolf Harris, they gave one to Stuart Hall, they gave one to Rolf Harris, they gave one to Stuart Hall, they

gave one to Chow Chesgu, one to Mussolini and one to Magarby. So all I'm saying is, give more of them to women because they're statistically less likely to be dictators or sex offenders. Always crunching the numbers, Tiff, crunching the numbers. This is where positive discrimination should come into play. That is your failsafe Lizzie, you're welcome. Just hand them out to the women. Also, honours appointless and dog shit. I think Andy you're kind of beating up on this institution for for taking so long to strip Harvey Weinstein of this song, but I'm sure in 50 years, American conservatives will put up a statue

of Harvey Weinstein and then assist that if you take it down, you're ignoring history and want to erase it. So, that is kinda their M.O. Oh, I think that might be even bleaker than the previous bleaker you did that go. I'm... than the previous bleak gadget there. Gov. COVID news now and pretty Patel, a home secretary, despite overwhelming evidence

that she shouldn't be home secretary, has attempted to ban the ancient British tradition of mingling. Mingling, she's trying to ban mingling and encourage people to snitch on neighbours who mingle. This year, as we keep saying, generated sentences that you never anticipated would have to be said. I mean, quite aside from pretty Patel, the Home Secretary, which is a collection of five words that should never occur without an awful number of parentheses between them and ideally about a book full of other words. I mean, there was no real legal basis. In fact, Elieard Griffith, the Minister for Public

Confusion and Fear, hailed Patel's intervention as, quote, impressively ill-informed and legally baseless. Further signs of this government is committed to delivering on its election promises to avoid competence, good sense and respect for the law at all times. And, I mean, the snitching thing is, I mean, are you, I don't know, I'm not sure, we're naturally a nation of snitchers. The government itself has proved that, you know, it doesn't really like the idea of being snitched on by, for example, of parliamentary investigation into the influence of Russia on British politics, and like that kind of snitching. And it's a little bit of this bizarre situation where if your neighbours

gather a cabal of five devil worshipping necromancers to sacrifice a supermarket trolley full of puppies, that's fine, but seven nuns trying to rescue an injured puffing from a ledge that is now illegal. Oh yes the great puffing problem of 2020 it's not discussed enough. Mingling is banned how are we going to make cocktails guys guys. It does feel medieval you might as well bring about the Skulls bridle that's when it's kind of like I say that out too. I don't know if Josh knows what the Sculls bridle is, but it was originally bought in by Scottish clergy for women who spoke too much and gossiped. And you would have to walk around and have this piece of iron in your mouth and across your face. And maybe a bell ringing, like the Shane Bell again. Yeah, yeah. So pretty pretty Patel, or to use her correct name, Delora's

Umbridge, said if she saw two families like talking to each other and there were more than six people, she would report them. And Lord Scriven said in the House of Lords, for the first time since the 1300s, Mingling is an offence under English law, and the Home Secretary confirmed if she saw two families of four on the street and stopped to say hello, how are you? They would be mingling and carrying out an offence. Now, to be fair, to talk to strangers has been an offence in London for a very long time.

So I think it's gonna be mainly Northerners who will suffer the most for actually trying to greet people. They't know but I think Londoners are going to be okay but this is after we have to bear in mind this is after we now can't mingle we've got this rule of six this is after being actively encouraged into this eout to help out scheme which involves mingling with 20 or 30 people in a restaurant but yet you can't meet your entire family. And I have a sort of sub like a small conspiracy theory on the eout to help out.

That is just, it's primarily a publicity campaign for pizza express so that everyone will forget it's Prince Andrew's favorite restaurant. Okay. And the snitching is so pathetic to snitch on someone for mingling. Imagine that call even. Hello, yes, I've seen a mingling in progress. Started out as a casual how do you do, but it's definitely shifted to a mingle, and I'm

worried if no one intervenes, some canutling might break out. The worst part for me is that people who aren't in relationships now legally have to say that they're single and ready to stay that way for a depressing wee long time. Guasting your neighbours is horrible, so niches get stitches. Impending apocalypse preparation news now and Tiff, as the bugle co-hosts voted most likely to survive and thrive in the aftermath of a global apocalypse. You're keeping an eye on how we should all be preparing ourselves for the inevitable. What's the latest news from the world of thing? In the world of prepping, one's worth is big news at the moment. But there's one more one of the South London borough. Just another road actually from where I live. Yeah, pretty neat to you.

I'm a North London person, so technically at war with South London. But let's not dig too much into that now. But one's worth council have announced to anyone living in one's worth that they should be preparing a grab a bag, a grab and go bag. So they did a tweet saying, a hashtag grab bag is a bag full of emergency items

in case you need to flee your home immediately without time to pack, which raised the question, what a one's worth counts from no? Everybody else doesn't. Some of the items suggested for the bag included first aid kit, batteries, a whistle and a torch, a bit like if you're in a plane crash, you know those helpful items.

And we just saw the opposite of what we're being told, which is there's a pandemic we need to shelter in place. And one's worth of saying, listen, one's worth of apocalypse on the cards, get yourself a grab and go bag. I was surprised when I saw this news. I was like, is Brexit going so bad? People are being told to take it into their own hands

individually. Just like, get ready to go. We're leaving. It is kind of. It is kind of. It is kind of like, I don't know, like being in Park Slope. So you could be in Williamsburg and not get it, but Park Slope would be adult.

So just, I'm sure. So that's how narrow this set of people are. So it's just like one borough to another. So I don't know why Stretem and his neck of the woods haven't been informed of the same possible emergence. I kind of, I think that's kind of nice though, to in such a global, you know, corporatized world that we're now doing like small batch locally sourced apocalypses.

I mean, I see you've got to look at the, just the bald facts of it, and the likely occasions when you need to flee your home immediately without time to pack. Obviously, threat one, volcano. And in ones with the threat of a volcano is, well, minimal. There have been no volcanic eruptions recorded there since records began in, well, let's make up a year here, 1274, no volcanoes ever spotted in ones with or indeed surrounding burrows, such as Lambert, of which Stretem is a part of,

or Merton, any volcanic eruption in Houndslow, that would have no great home-flying threat to ones with I think you got time to get out there. So I don't really see, there's not enough of a volcano. I mean, volcano threat comes in at less than the local baby shop running out of luxury Jane Austen themed muslin fourths.

Earthquake, I mean, despite recent tremors in Britain quite literally rocking the nation to its foundations, albeit completely imperceptibly. The strongest earthquake registered in Wandsworth in the last 1500 years was the tremor of 974 AD, described by the 13th century historian Roger of Wendover as being licking in unto a flatula for him entrap Windage out with a house's arsoil. The threat of a land invasion in Warnsworth again minimal, any assailant force taking the old Roman route up from the Kent coast likely have been delayed by coming through Bromley and Lewisham first to get towards central London so it's likely to have given up due to there being no discernible signs of the existence of a civilisation

worth conquering. Any invading force coming from the southwest likely to get distracted by tourist attractions such as Stonehenge will make it as way at the A303 towards London and also like to stop a lunch or coffee in leafy Richmond. So I just don't see, I mean, a zombie apocalypse is moderately likely in Wandsworth, but unlikely to make a significant alteration to lifestyle in the COVID era. And alien invasion, I mean, to be honest, if extraterrestrials turn up demand to be taken to our leaders, they're unlikely to be to be fobbed off with Wandsworth, Barra Council, to be honest.

Even if they've already headed south from Westminster after being introduced to our leaders there and saying, seriously, you expect us to believe that shit. Leaders, we said leaders, sorry if you speak your own language, but that means people who do some fucking leading, Kapitian. Sport now and COVID, the interfering little shit that it is, has forced sport to go crowdless or sparsely befanned, but sports have managed to find ways to stay alive. None more or less so than the World Refusal Championships, which takes place this week

in Berlin after 12 other cities declined to host the final. It's a USA versus South Africa final and Team USA or as their fans ought to call them Team USA. Led again by Skipper ordeal, Trausel winch of the Boston vetoes. They're going to lead off in the mixed doubles rebuff with the crack pairing of Punishabel, the Quellican, delicious,

Wabsbury, some longstanding simmering resentment between those two should help them along the way as they take on the block box Star pairing of Scrank, Van der Helhausen and Bikki Anifrohmich who have not been seeing I2W for close to a decade at the highest level now In the singles, Trauzl, Winch and Jahaind Twelfth yard could have their work cut out as they try to out-demure respectively Drucky's loud shit and Van Bridget Coxiel OTW of course coming off of a disappointing quarter final loss at last week's US Open when he lost out to Russia's Yevgivani Kaspashnikov after carelessly accepting a piece of chewing gum from his opponent at a change of ends.

The final is set to end with a long awaited head to head reject off between America's OK Billiamson from the New York Knicks and Blumfentaine Snubbers veteran Ken Pinar, who famously won the Josephine Trophy for South Africa away back in 2008 by declining to lift a wheelbarrow full of bricks off the trap shins of Francis de Mouliens Partouche, who of course received a lifetime ban for accepting medical assistance during that sensational climax. Exclusive coverage! Live on the Bugle for the rest of time. Well, that concludes the bugle for for this week. Our tiff is now

modelling for us on the video called the bugle volunteer subscribers exclusive face mark. Look I sound exactly the same. But does actually filter out up to 23% of all facts from the mouth of the wearer. So, I mean to be honest, I never thought we'd be making face masks as much, but you know, if the world's going to be shit, we might as well brand it with some bugle logos. Given that we have as part of the bugle the registered website f******dungeons.com, I'm surprised you're surprised. Josh, have you got any forthcoming shows or other projects you'd like to tell our listeners about?

Oh my gosh, I miss shows so much. I do have, I do on my own podcast called Make My Day. It's a comedy game show where there's only one contestant every week, so they're guaranteed to win. So it's a very stress-free game show experience. That is the kind of attitude that is making our children soft. They have to be losers, Josh. Have you heard nothing about the world?

I'm the loser. Tiffany, any shows coming up? One to Moro Knight at the Battersea Arts Centre Tuesday night, or could be tonight. Let's just say Tuesday, Battersea Arts Centre. That is an outdoor show. And I have a couple more in, but who knows how long they'll keep going for. So the best thing to do is join me on a Monday night for old rope on Instagram, where they can see you. A whole host of the euglers pop on from time to time.

So yeah, I'm there every Monday, 9 p.m. A join us next week for the latest on this idiotic planet. In the meantime, to help Kekunu from truth, here are some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them go to thebegalpodcast.com and click the donate button after buying all the merch. Lewis, or should that be Louis?

Strong thinks that humans undergoing a midlife crisis might do well to consider using cocoons. Why not learn from nature asks Louis, Stoke Louis? When caterpillars can't be asked with caterpillering anymore, they make a proper change. There's clearly something about being inside a cocoon that works better as a life-transforming incentive than getting hammered in a bar, buying a flashy new car, getting divorced, or jacking everything in and setting up as a freelance macrame consultant. Charlie Pearson, however, points out that Butterflies are just the kind of short-lived flashy exhibitionists of which the world already has an undeniable surfeit. Seriously, blasts Charlie. They look nice and flitter about, but what do they actually achieve? Far from

learning from them, we should be mercilessly lampooning these butterflies until they buck their ideas up. They are the exact equivalent of buying that flashy new car. Only they wrap it round a tree within two weeks so it can't ever be driven again. Give me a moth any day, at least they get stuff done, even if it is only eating through my bloody woolly jumpers. On the subjects of people and things changing shape, Sean Defusco doesn't think the Terminator films set a particularly positive example for the world. Why this obsession with terminating people and things asks a befuddled Sean? Why not give them a chance to learn and improve?

If that film had been called the hiatusator instead of the Terminator and just given people and things a bit of a break to reassess, the world would be in a much better state today. Stuart Davis thinks it is a shame that they gave up on the Bayer tapestry after the Battle of Hastings. They should have kept it going for the rest of British history argue Stuart. I have calculated that by now it would be long enough to line every single mile of motorway in the UK, giving passengers on long car journeys something interesting and educational to look at when stuck in traffic jams. Karl Whitman has also worked out that if this tapestry project had been undertaken and you drove past the first half of the 16th century section at more than 75 miles an hour,

it would look like a flick book animation of Henry VIII playing Kepyuppy with Anne Bullin's noggin, whilst the 1920s would look like Prime Minister's Stanley Baldwin and Ramsay McDonald doing a very erotic charsten with each other. Stuart Beaumont Stuart Beaumont has worked out that it no longer matters what you say as long as you say it seriously enough and claim you are quoting someone famous. Stuart has one arguments with the concluding line, if I may quote the great Simone de Beauvoir, better be a poor woman with a functioning pogostick than a rich man in a burning helicopter, and also by saying, as Nicolò Macchi of Allie himself famously wrote, a dead pigeon craps not on a well-part car. Here endeth the lies.