The Bugle - 4167 - Trump Takes a Mulligan

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

Andy is with Alice Fraser and Mark Steel to look how Britain is (not coping) and how Trump takes a golf card approach to his taxesGO TO THE STORE TO SEE NEW MERCH!Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanMark SteelAlice FraserAnd produced by Chris Skinner LISTEN TO RICHIE FIRTH: TRAVEL HACKER. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers and welcome to another installment of Well, this is going well, the weekly assessment

of Planet Earth slide down the rankings that is the Vugal Podcast. I am Andy Zoltzman, fear my power for I am a pitiless destroyer of Well, sorry, I promise myself I'd never used those words again, after it failed as a chat-up line for the 837th consecutive first day. It is Monday, the 28th of September 2020. This is issue 4167 of the Bueber which by coincidence is a number of times the following things have happened in the past weeks since we last spoke to each other. The average British person has watched the news and said what now. Boris Johnson has muttered the words, this is the worst fowstie impact ever.

Football pundits have said that is never a handball, this game is killing itself. Football supporters have responded, you have a point, but maybe try dressing the cancerously exploitative destructive plutocracy of the wealthier clubs when you're trying to work out exactly how football is really killing itself. So there we are, there we are, another week on as we all wait expectantly for season four of the handmaid's tell us and light frothy escapeism was quietly thinking to ourselves, I expect at the end of civilization to be a bit more exciting and spectacular than this. So, in standard here we have a bugle to keep you going, joining me for the latest week of joy around the world from Australia, Alice Fraser!

Hello Andy, hello bugleers, how are you all? I assume they're all fine. Let's go with fine. Yeah, on behalf of all Bugle listeners, everyone is absolutely fine. Well, how can you not be fine when you're listening to world-class setter? Oh, no idea. I've never really tried it. So, how was Australia? Australia seems to be doing comparatively well in the

stakes of collapsing. We're collapsing at marginally slower rates than other major countries. Partly because we are not a major country that we like to think of ourselves as such, but yeah it's not bad. I just spent the weekend looking at some cows. Well right and how do that work out for you? They looked back. Classic, classic human cow conversation. Also joining us for rather closer to where I am in the shed in South London. It's Mark Steele.

Hello, Andy. I'm so jealous of you, Alice, in Australia. Well, it's just with this is all for here. We're going to have a second wave and a third wave. Even if you get locked down, you've got a desert each out there. So you're just wondering, oh no, I can't be confined to this 900 square miles. What can you do?

Oh, no, this is just awful. It's all just so miserably predictably wrong. And when a lot of a few weeks ago when they went, no go and Boris Johnson, no go out, you bunch of beans and the pumps and often, I just thought, I clearly, I honestly did thing, there must be something I don't understand because the reason that the Oh, numbers come down is because we've all been indoors not meeting them. So when we all go out, it'll go up again. Well, it's like, oh, there's a drip from the tap. We turned it off. Let's turn it on again and the tap won't, but it's gonna start dripping when you turn it on again, isn't it? No, don't be too miserable, we got... And here we are, all fucked. Yeah, but the thing is, Mark, you're looking at this from a different perspective to the politicians.

And look, you're looking at it from a cause and effect perspective, whereas politics likes to separate cause and effect. The cause for someone else's fault and the effect is your manipulation of the statistics to prove it to be what you want it to be. Evidently. On the 29th of September in 480 BC, the Battle of Salamis took place, the Greek fleet under the Mystic Leeds to feed the Persian fleet, under Zerxes I who had no answer to the Greek barrage of strongly flavored cured meat sausages, if I remember the details from my degree.

Accurately, on this day in 2008, well on the 29th September 2008, the Dow Jones fell 777.68 points. It's largest single-day loss following the bankruptcies of layman brothers in Washington, Mutual. It's funny isn't it? That seems almost charmingly nostalgic now, doesn't it? Just a massive global banking collapse. Got a happier, simpler times where catastrophe almost seemed just like a little luck in the financial markets. Could anyone have foreseen those bankruptcies happening in the collapse around it? Well, no, unless they'd had one of the following rare qualities, foresight, hindsight or basic arithmetic. On 28th September 1066, William the Conqueror landed in England, beginning the Norman Conquest. Of course, it's been downhill ever since really landed in Sussex.

Of course, if he landed in Ken, we'd have kept him out. Easy, no problem. On 28th September 1066, William the Conqueror landed in England, beginning the Norman Conquest, it's been downhill ever since, but to mark this. We have this week's section in the bin, a free new part by part, audio tapestry, chronically Britain from 2020 in the start of the Bayer tapestry that charted the Norman Conquest. And to construct your first audio panel of the history of Britain 2020 onwards, construct your own scene from the following component parts.

A smug leader sitting on a throne, a group of forning courteers, a sinister looking bald man, a crowd of people holding their heads in their hands in despair, a naughty looking virus, a confused doctor and a very disappointed baby. That section in the bin. Top story this week. Well let's just have a closer look at the latest in Britain. We'll turn to the Trumpian tax issue later in the show. Oh, we're off on this now. Well, it's hard to lock down.

Lock down is, I think the government is probably about to say that lockdown is a spiritual state and we are all free within our souls and Ben just shut up. And it's so, yes, and it's so unpredictable. Who could have predicted that when students went back to university that they would stand close to each other? Because before, Freshers Week has always involved students just getting in a canoe and sight going out into the Greenland. I can't believe it.

And this, what about the thing with the app, right? So now the NHS app. The NHS app that is not working with it, but it's not on NHS app because they've given it to this private company's circle. So it's an NHS app in the same way that Kentucky Fried Chicken does NHS buckets of chicken wheat. And the mental dive in a nightclub does NHS skunk and collapse in the corner of the toilet. It's nothing to do with the NHS, but he just wants the NHS to take a blame for it. And then, oh, and also, so the track and trace, that when April, track and trace,

he said, world beater, will be in world beater, gain, change our track and praise by the end of me. And then it was the end of June and then July and then September. And now he said, this week he said, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't affect the thing you've said for six fucking months. You've been going, this is what's going to know, it doesn't matter.

And that, it's like a child losing a race at school, isn't it? Yeah, we're in it. We're in it. Yeah, yeah. And they've got a circus company. You know, they subcontracted it about it. They've subcontracted the work hundreds of millions of pounds worth of contracts that they've got. And they've subcontracted it out to companies such as debt collecting agencies. And you've

got, but with track and space you've got to be really sensitive, right? We want to find out where you were and debt collecting agencies of all companies are known for their sensitivity. Were you around at Bill and Eilings? On Saturday, for a barbecue were you were we're clamping your car and taking a f***ing telly a slag give us your jewelry I think well it is my shred of optimism

when you listen to the conspiracy theorist all you know what they're doing they're trying to kill all the old people because they're too expensive for their pensions or something. I think oh no they are thin, this is the darkest thing. They are utterly uselessly incompetent. If they had an inconspiracy they couldn't and John Boris gone too many duzzies. No, whatever it is, no more than six people can gather anywhere, unless you're to gathering and of these four out of every three must be outside during daylight and must hover like

a hummingbird in a bubble where 1.5 people extra are allowed as a bubbleette and you are only allowed two extra people in a house if you murder two of your family to make space with a maximum of not people in a room at any time so if you find yourself in a room you must leave immediately. That's actually a lot clearer than anything I've heard from the real Boris Johnson. Unless you're hunting Grouse. Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Kill or be killed? You know, they've got these lockdown protests. What they should do is just ritually sacrifice a grouse at the end as a post-hoc. That's so dramatic. Justifications. I was doing one of my in town recordings, which was a last was allowed to record in a field in Stratford, upon Aben. Right, to the town, Stratford, upon Aben,

we're only allowed to do it in a field with 30 people in this massive field dotted around. Well, I was stood on a tree stump, right, as the stage. And... Sounds Shakespeare began. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's the only time I've ever done a radio recording right as the stage. And... So Shakespeare began. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's the only time I've ever done a radio recording

where a punchline was twice interrupted by Geese. So... You're true. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, no. Bless him. And I thought, if I had a gun,

if I had a gun and I'll shot one of the f*** because it could have been a proper shooting party and we could have been allowed to have 4,000 there, wouldn't we? LAUGHTER Well, this is the other shred of optimism, I think, buglers, is that I think people in Britain more and more people are sort of thinking this is all gone horribly wrong. The terrible thing sort of six months ago, as all this madness was going on, and people were thinking, well, the government's doing the best it can in

killing more people than in doing worse than any other country in the world. But even now the thing, because it's Britain, so Boris Johnson was asked the other day, why have we had a worse record than almost any other country in the world and he said because we are a freedom loving nation. That's why we've been worse because we can't help it. We go up the co-op and we're doing our shopping in our mask and we rip it off because we can't help it because it's in our jeans because we stood alone in 1940 so I'm not wearing a mask. We're not buying custard powder! It's just

how can they... Ah! And that was the other one that you said for 300 years every major innovation in the world has come from Britain and that's why we've of course the virus is going to spread more in Britain than anywhere else because we invented the steam engine. So, Steven's fault. Thinking of the steam engine, I highly recommend a few suggestions for people who are trying to avoid COVID in these troubled times. One is everyone should start vaping so that we can see other people's breath and dodge away from it. Right. I think that's very good. The second thing is that everyone should have extremely loud air horns because no one wants to come near anyone with an air horn. Right. And the third... You never got it. You can't argue with the science. And the third is to

avoid anything happening after 10 pm because that's when the vampires come out and spread COVID. They're like they're like the thing about vampires that everyone forgets is that they're essentially very large mosquitoes. Yes, everyone does forget that. It's all that silent movie stuff where you watch them going to piano music and you don't hear the sound effect of the vampires floating around going, much more annoying, much less sexy. Yep, that's why you don't get mosquitoes in Italian restaurants because of all the garlic. And the crucifixes I think. Yeah, no, not in France. Yeah, no, you're quite right. Running more, they're mostly useless things, aren't they vampires? This should be easy. I am deadly. The only thing that can stop me

is garlic and running water and the daylight and anything that happens to be cross-shift even accidental twig. Consent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What can you use this, isn't it? It's a moron or a noine. Well, glad we're taking down the big threat to humanity, one by one of this show. There's been a lot of criticism from within the conservative party of Johnson, Ray James, latest dictats. Some of the Tories have been saying they're doing more harm than good, which is not really

the issue, to be honest, doing more harm than good, because I, that's basically what they were elected to do, because every possible solution to this situation does more harm than good. The issue is the margin of victory for harm over good under Johnson's management. Yes, it's a thrashing. 200 and 9 days in a row, harm has beaten good. And where does good go from here? Yeah, fans of good, pulled on the phone. Rest, bang it out of order.

Look, as a comedian surrounded by the furious agreement of the educated lefty intelligentsia, it's very easy to make fun of Boris Johnson, because he's got a very difficult job, and he makes it look easy to be good, because you look at him and you think God, any idiot, could do a better job than that underwater with one hemisphere of their brain tied behind their back. The problem is that the skills required to be good at politics don't seem to be the same skills required to be a good leader of a country. And that seems like a structural problem, you know?

Yes, well, you're saying that this thing has revealed the obvious deep flaws in that the way we conduct our democracy, Alice. Yeah, it's like testing someone to be an airline pilot by having them run a hopscotch. It's not, it's like a skill set, but it's not the same skill set. Yes, well, I mean, if you look at the things he said to the country, and clearly there's an issue of trust now, and there's a lot of disagreement,

basically different people saying we need more powerful local governments, less powerful local governments, more clarity from central government, central government to get out of it people should take responsibility for their own actions, and they need strong definitive rulings from the government, so everyone knows exactly what they can do, we need to support and close businesses, we need to panic and not the virus can control our lives, we need to do things better in the future and in the past and learn from Sweden, stroke Germany, stroke China, stroke New Zealand, stroke Australia, stroke Alan and Brenda from down the road, who are fine, stroke wherever people are

allowed to watch sport, we'll just follow them, or Antarctica, panjure, or Venus, or we just learn from Britain, because we are Britain and instinctively our national common sense, and means we've automatically done the right thing. So it's, and Johnson's leadership, I mean, he said, he made a speech last week. He said, I know we can succeed because we have succeeded before. The problem with that is, I mean, hey, that logic is flawed and because a lot of things succeed and then fail, I mean, you know, you wouldn't lie, you know, at the whenever the next Olympics is, you will not see Team GB at 100 meters, wheeling out Harold Abraham's in his coffee, the 1924 Olympic 100 meter champion saying, well, he's a proven winner. He is a proven

winner. He's done it before. You can do it again. And also there's another flip side. You know, if Johnson says we can succeed because we've succeeded for four before, there's another flip side. If Johnson says we can succeed because we've succeeded for four, before there's an obvious flip side to that logic, given the amount of times he has f**king failed. So in terms of pure probability, it's not looking too clever. He said this when the sickness took hold of this country in March, we pulled together in a spirit of national sacrifice and community. We followed the guidance to the letter. We stayed home

Protected the NHS and saved thousands of lives now. I know people can use whatever pronouns they like these days and that is Overwhelmingly a good thing, but I don't believe Boris Johnson can use we in those sentences. That seems entirely Inappropriate. He added the single greatest weapon we bring to this fight is the common sense of the people themselves. Well, thanks for the compliment, Mr Johnson. But when you are Prime Minister, that suggests that British common sense has taken a bit of a backseat in recent years.

And when the other weapons we're bringing to the fight are you, Boris Johnson, Dominic Cummings, Matt Hancock, the health secretary, an overwhelming aura of confusion and an app that doesn't fucking work. That's not the most glowing of accolades anyway. I think, yes, that's all that's very true, but I think, and you were asking for little shards of optimism, I think, and I know, as a statistics man, you will appreciate this, Britain did achieve a

world record this week because during Boris Johnson's speech at one point he said it is absolutely important that we all keep to the rules we must not breach the rules and at that point the greatest number of people at a single moment said the same name when 40 million people in Britain went, What the f**king dominant commons? It was registered as an earthquake by a dose of size monitors around the world. Yeah, 1.3 on the Dictus scale. Yeah, 1.3 on the Dictus scale. Yeah, family shell.

This is a... Just one before we move on to Trump, one more quick, British story. And well, this is particularly relevant to Mark and me. Kent Bauder. Now, of course, of course Kent Border, you instantly think, well that's Australia's number five and well Australia's five, number's five and six batsmen of the 1981 old traffic ashes test. Martin Kent only played three matches for the Baggy Greens of course and legendary captain Alan Border early in his career. But Michael Gove announced that essentially there's going to be a sort of day facto border for lorries entering Kent before they travel to the EU.

Now Mark, you're a Kent Cricket fan. You grew up in the London part of Kent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up in the disputed border town of Trumberidge Wells. And it's, I mean, how do you feel about our county becoming, you know, the... I'm all for it. I was brought up in Swanley in Kent. So it's sort of just outside the Londony bit again.

But yeah, I think that they should go further with this. I think that Swanley should actually become part of France. I think Margate and Ramsgate should both be called West Romania. And I think sitting born should be placed within the disputed India-Pakistan border currently in the province of Kashmir. I think. I think there's something quite brilliant about the fact that most of Kent voted Brexit because they're sick of foreigners and now the population of Kent is going to be 48 million of which 47 million are Romanian truck drivers, stuff on the ring road outside mates, I think there's something brilliant about that. And if Kent becomes a country, which it should do, we'll have a team at the

Olympics and we'll be marching right behind Kenya at the opening ceremony. And if there's anyone from my old school, that means Kenya will not win any middle-distance medals because all the Kent ones will go up behind him and go oh did league my son Kenyan yes When you say for 47 million Remaining Laurie drivers that's only a slight exaggeration Michael go so they could be 7,000 Laurie's queuing in Ken 7,000 that works out around about think an 80 mile queue of lorries. He described this as a reasonable worst case scenario, which by coincidence is my online dating profile.

7,000, I mean this is what taking back control was all about, wasn't it? Yes, and I'm **** in everywhere. And this is what taking back control was all about, wasn't it? No, I'm a fucking everywhere. And 80 mile queues. So that goes right through London then. That'll go from Dover, that'll go right fourth in Kent, right up to London. But worth it though, because we've got a pass

sports back, aren't we? So I don't mind. I don't mind, taking 47 years to get to France, because I've got got me passport back. Proper colour, what it never was in the first place. Same colour, what it never proper colour, nearly blue. Like what everything in Britain's nearly blue, nearly blue postboxes, buses, everything. What's it have flag, nearly blue, white and blue?

Back. I mean, even the normal invasion had the sense to march through Kent quickly without causing trouble. When I did hostings as part of the in town series, everything there is 1066, there's a 1066 jazz club, of 1066 Vets, everything. And then I came across a building company called William the Concreteer. LAUGHTER American presidential tax news now, and, well, exciting revelations from the New York Times yesterday. They've put an extensive report into Donald Trump's tax affairs, an issue about the,

about which the usually forthright and gobshity as Mr Trump has been well demurally almost coquettishly reticent over the years is the first president since the 70s not to publish his tax returns it turns out that well basically he's been putting the racket into tax bracket the oil into avoidance and the shows total disregard for ordinary people and the overall well-being of America into the the shows total disregard for ordinary people and the overall well-being of America into the, he shows total disregard for ordinary people and the overall well-being of America. The investigation showed chronic losses in his businesses and years of tax avoidance, extent where he paid just $750 in federal income taxes in 2016 and in 2017 and no income taxes are tall in 10 of the previous 15 years.

I mean, you've got to admire the bare face balls of it in a way, haven't you? Yeah, I mean, I think the Americans will admire it. Like, this is a nation of carpet baggers and religious zealots who are fleeing from the freedoms recently granted in England. There would, you know, these are people who are very committed to a cause and at the moment the cause is capitalism. You can get away with doing terrible, terrible things financially. I think it'll be good for his followers. Yeah, also maybe the poor bastard has been skint the whole time. Who should feel sorry for him? Yeah, struggle to put food on the table. He's down to his last tower.

The tubba is now, they're all of these, so any pretty much every day, he does something that 10 years ago you'd go, well that's the end of him then. But now it doesn't matter, he could sell his daughter to pew in for a dollar and put the guy in there and sort of think he does. He could just have sex with a badger or live, he'll be one of his rallies in Wisconsin. And most of you go, is that what he's done there?

I mean, people used to bimone the hypocrisy of politicians who would pretend to be good people while secretly being bad people. And Trump's big selling point is his authenticity. And I have a one long for the days of hypocrisy once more. Yes. So, people bring back hypocrisy. At least aspirational, you know? I've been following the betting odds for the American presidential election and this story made absolutely f**k all difference because as you say it's hard to imagine anyone

changing their mind on Donald Trump now. No, exactly. I trusted him before when he was putting babies in cages but not these. I mean, to change your mind on Trump now would be like being rolled amonson getting 200 yards from the South Pole before turning back and saying whether today looks a bit off last. Let's can it. What are we doing? It's freezing. No.

And then, well, that two, two three weeks ago because you think I was slightly concerned that you know like like an actor when they've just gone too mad halfway through a play and then You think we've left yourself nowhere to go. How was he gonna leave any space for a crescendo with the Five weeks, but he's managing it because then a couple of weeks ago. He's done See that one where he said, we've got people that have spotted that Joe Biden is a dangerous man, he got on a plane with people wearing black, the plane was full of people wearing black. That thing, shaving people. Is there a plane in Melbourne? Well, he wouldn't say, he was off-wearing.

It's a very funny joke if you know Melbourne. Oh, sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. It's what? Oh, is it a fashion thing? Is it a thing? I don't know, get it? Is it? Yes, yeah. We train people in Melbourne. Oh, right. I'm not up on your story.

Well, you're making jokes about Alice. You made a joke about what trendy people wear to me and Mark. I mean, what? Yeah, I'm sorry to the world. If you made a joke about what trendy people wear in my road, I wouldn't get it. But people in black, and I did it, that's just so mad. There's a plain full of people. As you watch many in black and got it confused and Neil will say Joe Biden's a dangerous man. It watched Godzilla. He treads on buildings. I know people, fantastic people. He demolished Tokyo. He just sat on all the buildings and people will go, oh dear. I mean there are possible ways of explaining why this, you know, supposed, you know, borderline billionaire has paid absolutely no tax other than the fact that he is a truly abominable

human being who hates all humanity. I mean, it's possible that he found a legal loophole whereby he can be taxed on his spiritual wealth rather than his financial wealth, in which case about $750 a year is overpaid significantly. There's also the issue of what he's claimed as deductible expenses, including aircraft, and $70,000 for a hair styling for his TV. So now look, I've done a little bit of Tally, very little bit of telly. So I'm not going to judge. I'm obviously the reason John got the HBO job instead of me was because he was happy to go with $500 an episode on the hair styling budget. And I wouldn't go under 1000. So I look, I'm not going to judge Trump for that. But this is issue 4,167 of

the Google and bike coincidence. That is also the numbers. The old joke goes of the total employees of the Trump organization. It takes to change a light bulb, one to change the light bulb, and 4166 to be listed as light bulb changing consultants. 1,400 dollars per bulb change as a tax dodge. New York Times said that it had published these details.

And I quote, because the Supreme Court has repeatedly ruled that the First Amendment allows the press to publish newsworthy information that was legally obtained by reporters even when those in power fight to keep it hidden. So that's the First Amendment. Trump clearly not a massive fan of the First Amendment. And he plays a lot of golf. Clearly firmly of the belief that the Mulligan's rule applies to amendments as it does apply to golf. If you don't like the first one that comes out,

you just move straight onto the second one and forget all about the first and he loves that second amendment. Also in golf you mark your own card. It relies very much on truff, so you mark your own card and it's, you know, so that's the way the taxis works perhaps. You just mark your own card or you're nothing. Alright. Everyone yeah everyone even golf has to mark their own card because no one else can bring themselves to watch anyone else playing golf. It's such a fucking boring sport. The first. Oh, um, the uh, the first- It was like a pity for golfers.

I don't like golf. I run past a golf course occasionally, and I- it's the only time in my life that I'm ever tempted to cat-call just these old men hitting their golf balls around, and they're finally be like, yeah, hit it! Hit it in the know, oh man. I just think if a wife is encouraging a husband to play more golf, it's because she wants him to be as far away from her as possible. That's probably true. Well, in Tiger Woods' case, it was probably fair. The first presidential debate happens tomorrow, as we record.

And, oh, it's got me, it could be quite exciting, but it trumpers recently smashed through the 20,000 lies in office, according to the Washington Post's lie totalizer. It's gone through 20th, it's broken the record, set by William Henry Harrison, who rattled out,000 and four lies in his 31-day presidency in 1841, although 19,000 of them were him insisting that he felt absolutely fine and wasn't about to die. Three of him was saying, I can juggle terrapins with my eyes shut and the last one was

him claiming still to be alive. Other news now and Alice is very exciting news for you as someone who's always desperately wanting to go to the moon. But NASA has announced plans to have a woman on the moon by the year 2024. I mean personally, as a man, I'm a bit of pulled by this because I'm just there nowhere left that men can call their own any safe sanctuaries for guys to just hang on the moon was basically the last male preserve. I'm so to say a twenth quiddit, you know, a nice afternoon. Now I've got a good giving it all right!

Now just a place where men can be men, because women are allowed to have, you know, women only, clothes shops, hospital wards, swimming pools, thrones, seating areas in places of religious worship. I've been not even an hour, a single moon, a safe space. Yeah, all men, all they get is male-only governments and for women and green rooms rooms and but also let's

get men invented men invented the moon Alice as you can tell because it is basically no use it's massively in practical and looks like a ball. Yeah they are planning on sending a woman to the moon which I think is a nice move for gender equality and a terrible move for the equality of allocated resources to the problems of our own planet. I mean, what does it matter if there are hundreds of thousands of illiterate women living in poverty and dying by turns of preventable diseases and preventable husbands, if they can but turn their faces to the moon and think, well, some rich American woman had her

period on that. I'm not denigrating the idea that representation in elite fields isn't important and aspirational goal. I just think that people in general are less inspirable than they were in the 60s and we're in an age now where people will hate shit just because the people they don't like like it. And who wants to see the toxic pop culture discourse on the Ghostbusters reboot in space. Well, I think it's marvellous. I've met a couple of astronauts, they're really pleasant calm people and then I thought they probably, they would be wouldn't they? They'd go on an astronaut and go, oh I've got a fucking doll, I don't have to get the

jitters, that'd be no good for them if you could block it. Oh, jeez, fuck, ah, oh it's got, I f**k! Oh, it's got a pool on top. It's shaped like nothing on her. I forgot I had an xyle, I got panic attacks. But the slightest bit of you know good when you re-entering the atmosphere. That sounds terrifying. And when it comes back into the atmosphere,

it swings from side to side. And it sounds like there's all explosions going around. And there's all explosions going around and there's... that's terrifying and it's um what's her name? Helen Sharman. Yes. What's it terrible? Yes. Well, an astronaut. Delighted. The first British female astronaut. Yeah and she just exuded sort of calm. She could go with them and she'd be brilliant out there. She'd do it. Let's give it a go. Let's play cricket. Let's give them a go let's play cricket let's give them a go if some of them play five sets of tennis let's just send them up

can't be on her mac I'm just jealous because I'm not an astronaut really would you fancy it being an astronaut? yeah got in the moon yeah I like a walk I like walking well it's always very important to get back to the moon, just to check that the 24 people who weren't there before were not mistaken in their collective summary at the end of the Apollo missions, which was, there's f*** all here, there's been a very disappointing lack of aliens, the food is shit, the golf course is in terrible, terrible condition. David, Adam and I are going to be in the same place. of course is in terrible, terrible condition.

David Attenborough news now and Alice some exciting news about David Attenborough, if those you don't know him, well basically the UK's official national grandad and he's joined Instagram par, basically enabling him to be a grandaddic presence in people's lives through the medium of whatever Instagram does. But best note of course, David Attenborough for his career making zebra snuff movies and hardcore insect porn, I think it's really kinky SNM spider stuff. But why has he joined instagram now Alex? well he's he's put out a few videos now he's I mean he has broken

Jennifer sorry David and Ros broken Jennifer Aniston's Instagram record for the fastest time to reach one million followers which is being reported as news but like yes obviously he's clearly a much better and more interesting person to follow on Instagram. And he's come out and he said he wants to share information on this new medium, he's come out and told some dirty stories with Michael Palin. And he's doing some great stuff on Instagram so far, which mainly involves him being David Attenborough and people thinking, well, David Attenboroughtenborough still alive it can't all be wrong. Yeah I mean the government should be throwing all the money they've got making sure David

Attenborough never dies and I think he has a sacred duty not to pop his clock I mean because I looked at some of his uh mostly the first few posts were him just pouting upwards at a camera held above his head flatteringly lit but no doubt he'll move on to more interesting stuff. Oh, with a mirror. What a nervous one. I just can't wait for him to start posting first traps.

What? No, he've lost his skin there. First, I have a big, your pardon. A first trap, gentlemen, is a sort of a slightly coy but overtly sexy selfie, which is posted in order to induce a first AK arousal in your viewership. Oh, right. Oh, God, yeah. No, I did all that and gave it up a couple of years ago.

I moved on to TikTok. Yeah, you're back, aren't you? moved on to Tik Tok. Tik Tok is a map that just reminds you of the inevitability of death. That brings the end of this week. Bugle Alice and he shows to plug other than of course the wonderful last post to Bugle's sister show from another dimension. Yes, I'm doing a show at the Opera House soon. I'd also like to plug looking at cows. Right, just as an activity. You look at them and you look at them and you go, well, there shouldn't be any hard-hooked

remnants on Australian soil. We don't have any native animals that have hard-hives and you're breaking up the delicate topsoil or disrupting the ecosystem and then the cow looks back at you and goes, well, you're a f***ing settler here yourself. And a beautiful moment of being in touch with nature you know. That's good. Ah, bless them here. Mark, when's your in town series next on Radio 4? Well, who knows, I've got the one in Stratford that the geese interrupted and we could

recall one in Brighton and now it doesn't look like we're going to have to record the other ones. But there is a series that I can plug that will be broadcast in 2076. And I really, really hope that people listen to that. Between now and then I'll probably be driving Amazon Vans. Good well, I'm that happy now. All that's left for me to say is to remind you bugle us to take advantage of the new range of bugle merch which as I speak Chris is modeling very very sexually for us. Very sexually, it's your face Andy. That's a square, that's, yeah, it's very hard to wear a badge with my face and without exuding a raw, almost animal er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, the, er, new bugle merch, t-shirts, caps, socks, badges, stickers, the Christmas jumper

is available for pre-order. I go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the merch button there. You can also join our voluntary subscription scheme to help the bugle keep going and independent. Until next week, bugleers, good bye. you