The Bugle - 4171 - Evolution Special

Episode Date: October 25, 2020

Andy is joined by Alice Fraser and Nish Kumar, live from the Unmute Podcast Festival. We've got all your hits - Covid, corruption, Trump, swans and an evolution special, with a focus on, you guessed it, crabs!(It was raining on Andy's shed roof during the record of this show).Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner LISTEN TO RICHIE FIRTH: TRAVEL HACKER. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers. Welcome to the Bugle Live online parts of the Unmute Podcast Festival. How are you all?

Good, we can't hear you, so I assume you just all responded. We are at Best Attico, it is the year 2020 after all. Internet just and breaking news coming through, The bookies are already paying out on 2020 winning rubbishest year of the decade award. And still nine years and two months to go. And at least four of those years could be under President Ivanka Trump. So that shows you what a terrible year.

It's been, I am Andy Zoltzman, if you haven't met me before, it's the 24th of October 2020 this show will also double up as bugle issue 4171 I hope if any of you unfamiliar with the bugle what are you doing here but welcome to those of you who've heard it before we are up against strictly come dancing I realize that I've been told that reliable, I'm not a fan of, I'd rather watch a coop of Mogadon drug pigeons do their annual accounts than watch

strictly come dancing. I'd rather watch a slab of concrete interview a plank of wood about its hopes and ambition. Actually, that might be quite a good show. The point is, I don't really understand ballroom dancing. I don't see why you'd want to do something like that without incorporating a ball or a goal or a bat or a fight. It doesn't really make sense to me as far as I can see it.

Ballroom dancing is essentially rugby for the woke and I don't approve of it. But the excitement this year in Britain is that for the first time there's a same sex couple on strictly Nicola Adams, Olympic champion boxer and woman. It's going to be dancing with, wait for it, another woman. Now this is rocked British society to its foundation, skeptic saying, where will it end? Well it will probably end with a more tolerant and open-minded society. But what if it doesn't end there? Says Britain. What if it ends with compulsory homosexuality classes in all schools? But it will almost certainly not go quite that far.

So anyway, thank you for not watching the social revolution that is unfolding on strictly and instead coming to the bugle. For those of you unfamiliar with it, the bugle is so called because it's a cross between Dougal, the dog character from the hit Children's TV series The Magic Roundabout and The Bible. That's where the name comes from. But anyway, joining me for this special live show, and it's a great pleasure to be part of the Unmute Festival, joining me by via the witchic magic of Tim Berners-Lee's Internet, which whatever you think of it has been a giant f*** you to the Yogurt Pots,

joined by a piece of string communications technology industry. And the final nail in the commercial coffin of the gospel writer as a tool of fake news But anyway, we're using the internet and joining me from very early in the morning tomorrow in Sydney, Australia. It's A a a a lies for us. Have I pronounced them wrong? Alice for Alice Fraser. Sorry. Hello, Andy. How are you Alice? Hello, Vueglis. How are you? They're all fine I've checked out already I haven't had any complaints. I don't care about them. How are you? Oh, I'm fine. I'm alright. I'm yeah, okay I mean, it's you know, it's a difficult part of the year for me It's of extremely long time until the criticism begins So I'm doing my best to get to get through it. How's Australia at what, 5am?

I mean, this is my life now, and my life is breaking up at the wee hours and not being able to enjoy any of the bright things that Australia has to offer until the sun comes up, just talking to maniacs over the tube. So, I mean, you, not random maniacs, obviously. Oh, right, okay, thanks for watching. Yeah, yeah, good, just carefully selected maniacs who give you money.

Yep, that's sporing my energy into the unforgiving channel of the internet. What's that basically? I think that is a summary for humanity in the last 15 years. Joining me from well exactly the same time as I am, which is now five minutes past seven, up the road from well just up the road here in Northwest Europe. It's Nishkumar. Hello Andy, hello Alice, hello, buglers. Good to see you all, great to be here. I feel like we should open with some exciting professional news for you because you've been named as the

host of the news quiz Andy. You're going mainstream. That is correct. And what I like is you've started that new 10, the news quiz for those of you who don't know is extremely prestigious radio for satirical show and it's a very big deal for Andy and it's good to know that it's not going to change him given that he opened this podcast by, if you've never heard of the bugle, what are you doing here? It's good to know that you're not being compromising on your principles. At the opposite end of Korean news, I've been doing a show for an app called Quibi for the last six months. And on Thursday, I found out that Quibi has gone under. So, if I may add to my various stories, see me. for the last six months. And on Thursday, I found out that Quibi has gone under.

So if I may add to my various stories, see me, I can now add app destroyer. Quibi has spent some analysts believe, Quibi has spent $2 billion this year. And somehow has still gone under. And all I could think is, this whole thing is some sort of weird brusters million style gambit to spend money that was left

To someone in a wheel anyway, I've been delighted to collect my paychecks and in retrospect It was a bad idea for me to be to insist on bonus payments of Rolex watches Well, I mean what what are you gonna do with the ball niche? Well, I mean, right now I'm going to have to sell. I'm going to have to start selling them, Andy. I'm going to have to lay them out on the street just to make up the losses. Either that or I'm going to have to start eating them. And I don't even think Heston Blumenthal's

got a recipe for a watch souffle that's going to be of any use. Don't say that, Nish. I know he's almost certainly going to be listening to this and he will be cooking that up in his head. As we've also, if you're getting paid $2 billion, Nisha, I think maybe, I think maybe, I, I, I, this is like misunderstanding there. That was the total expenditure of the app.

Or I got my wages. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm, I miss, miss understood, miss understood, I just assumed, I assumed you were, I assumed you were getting the same deal with them as I'm getting from the new Chris. Oh, I'm getting 1.8 billion just to be clear. All right. The rest was just going to Chrissy Teigen.

It's just me and the Teagues. Nish, this is the problem here. What you've done, you've said they've spent $2 billion and you can't understand why they've gone under. The thing that they needed to do, and it's a rookie error, I understand, is they needed to make $2 billion and you can't understand why they've gone under. The thing that they needed to do, and it's a rookie era, I understand, is they needed to make $2 billion, not spend like I understand. Yes, yes, yes. Well, you know what Alice Hindsight is 2020, okay?

And the fact that you need to both spend and bring in revenue is the sort of wisdom we could have used seven months ago at Quibi Towers. The thing about hindsight being 2020 is hindsight pays 20 and gets 20 and comes out even. That's how the mess works. Again, this is all very171 or as it should probably be known issue God Fondie looking back on a rare victory for his team over Hell or issue for once heaven one. That's the first first pun of the show but that may be more. We are recording on the 24th of, on this day in 1901, Annie Edson Taylor became the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. There she is, it was on her 63rd

birthday, actually, obviously she woke up and thought, it's my birthday, I've had enough of cakes, I'm not interested in a spa session, I've had it up to here with stripper grams, I'm going to treat myself to getting in a barrel and risking death by doing something that absolutely does not need to be done. Now, I mean, some people see getting in a barrel, barrel and risking death by doing something that absolutely does not need to be done. Now, I mean, some people see her as a hero. I would say, you know, 1901, this happened. Annie said a very dangerous precedent early in the 20th century for people doing

absolutely fucking ridiculous things. Now, I'm not completely blaming 63 year old Annie for, you know, some of the, let's be honest, much worse stuff that happened later on in that century. But I don't think, I just don't think, I don't think it helped. Also, on this day, 1946, Walt Disney testified to the House Un-American Activities Committee, or it was also known Huwak, Huwak was set up in 1938 to investigate people, which is also the noise made by people under torture to confess to Communism. I think that's where the name came from. It was set up in 1938 to investigate people who might be doing things that did not tally

with American values, which as we know, a guard is very closely by Americans, as I'm sure, or American viewers and listeners, would agree that so anything that didn't tally with American values such as communism, fascism, understatement, reacting calmly to an opinion you disagree with, small as a menu option, coming to terms with history and professional snooker. They were very very big on clamping down on all those and Disney actually controversially shot some of his former colleagues as communists including Clara Clark, obvious spy, her surname short for cluster, which is the official CIA summary for the Russian Revolution, Mini Mouse, Mini Short for Minimum Wage, Bit Lefty, and Oswald the lucky rabbit, another Disney character, obviously relying on

luck and the unquestioning support of the state rather than proper American hard work. Obviously, and Disney shopped them all. And that, actually getting rid of Oswald the lucky rabbit started a blood feud with the US government that Oswald's, Oswald the lucky rabbit's nephew was to settle with to such devastating effects 17 years later. Now Disney promoted his more capitalist characters there after including Pinocchio, puppet of the man, and Pluto, which is short for Pluto crap. I don't know if you're Disney fans, you guys. I mean I remember as a

kid we weren't allowed to watch the the jungle book Disney movie from 1967 wasn't allowed to watch it as a kid because my parents said I was too young to watch a balloon movie. If, it was coming. It's a surprise. Right, this is mental. If anyone's not heard of the bugles, they've immediately turned this off. That's all right.

We used to that. And on this day in 1590, John White, the governor of the second row of nook colony, returned to England after an unsuccessful search for a colony that he'd lost. He'd lost his family and all the other colonies. No traces. There have been found of the hundred or so people left behind. Various theories. One, they lived happily ever after. Never happened to America. Two, they headed west, ended up in Vegas, making ends meet during a cabaret

show about the history of Tudor England. You can still see it to this day. Another theory is that it's still being processed by US immigration. That's possible. And another theory. They did find carved into a tree. I don't know if they did find carved into a tree. I don't know if you have a graphic of this, Chris. So there were, Croatohan was carved into the palisade of a fort. Suggesting that what could have happened that resulted in the disappearance of this colony

was that they fought each other to the death after an argument about whether that was allowed as an answer, Croatohan, in answer to the colony quiz night question, what nationality was Davos Suka winner of the Golden Boot at the 1998 World Cup and you know it was basically correct but misspelled do you allow that in a quiz I don't know anyway they will kill the other a bit of history for you as always you don't hear a lot of references to Davor Suka in 2020 you really don't not Davor Suka and the Rona Colony in the same bag anyway that's what You really don't. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha as none of you at home assume your video is off and are pulling your way

in I believe corporate. As always the section of the view is going straight in the bin. It's going in the bin this week. Special commemorative build your own set of COVID regulations. And our world that he confused around the world about what exactly we are and are not allowed to do. So, if you're not exactly sure what the latest COVID regs are in your area, here's a free British government construct your own COVID regulations kit. Simply rearrange the following words into an order that suits you best. Group of allowed, not exemptions, indoors, inexplicable, unless, definitely, perhaps, who

needs granny's anyway, as long as no one else knows, trampolining 12 give or take, to me, outdoors does not apply, slightly inconvenient, because I'm special, responsible, cult and orgy. So that should pretty much cover everything you need with your COVID regulations, that section. In the bin, right, we are now 15 minutes into the show ready to start with a top story. Top story this week, evolution and the states of the human species, well, niche, Alice, we are, it turns out still evolving.

I mean, when you look at the state of our species, and we are easily one of the most famous species of all time, of course, take that ring-tailed mongoose, I mean, you can't help thinking, we're a great species. We've compensated for our shortcomings, you know, a lack of horns, a lack of lethal fangs, lacerative claws, venomous snout appendages, the works. By using our superior brains to work out

many and wonderful other ways of killing things and each other. That's the mark of a special species. But it turns out we're not finished. Scientists have discovered that we're still evolution. We're developing new arteries and we're losing teeth. Nish, I know you're a massive fan of human evolution as a, and you're very much benefited from

it yourself as a modern human. Oh, I'm using my possible thumbs right now. Look at that, sensational skills. Yeah, Andy, this is big news and I was very glad to read this story because I'll be honest, every other piece of evidence I've been confronted with, every time I open a newspaper, turn up the news, is suggesting that humans are very much evolving in the opposite direction. So on a date, when 5,000 people march to London to protest for their rights to kill old

people by breathing them to death with disease, it's hard to not see this as a positive, a badly needed, positive sign. So the evolution, piece of evolution in question, or we might be losing our wisdom teeth, which does feel a bit on the nose as metaphors go. But the other piece of evolution is that we're also getting an extra artery in our arms.

We getting an extra artery. Now, here's the big question. Listen, I'll be the first person to admit it. I have absolutely no idea about science. In open defiance of every racial stereotype, I refuse to be another statistic, okay? So I've determined to be the only agent who doesn't understand a single f***ing thing

about any science whatsoever. But all I can speculate wildly on is that this extra artery is to get more blood to our hands so we can post on the internet with more strength and venom. That's exactly why we're evolving these arteries. These are posting vessels. I mean, this is one of the common misunderstandings about evolution niche that everything that evolves happens sort of proposively and that it meets a need rather than sort of being a randomly selected process. It's more of an artery and not a science-ery.

Oh. Let's just let that hang there. Thank you. I mean. It's the only joke I have for this section. Social media is causing other evolution, social media thumb, getting much better thumbs, getting also reversible skin, for 100% more tattooable skin area, getting a graduate

developing additional forehead musculature that is evolving quickly to enable the next generation one or two down from us to have even deeper frown. They're going to need to have one thinking about the state of the world, the human bile duct now goes straight from the gallbladder up into the mouth, in the presidential campaigns. And they, personally, I mean, there's a few things I'd like to see. I'd like, you know, protect it, better protective skin on the end of the, the male, a, a, a, a, a, appendage. I think that would be really useful. I can't fully understand why there isn't one worry there family show. One of the interesting aspects of evolution is that, another scientific report I was reading

and I do my research this show intensely people, I don't really realise that. At least five times in the history of evolution, something has evolved from something that was not a crab into something that is a crab. Now, there we go, five different times. You've had something evolving into a crab, and this is according to the crab bothering boffins who give a shit about shit like this. And I'm going to be a classic scientist. I mean, well done for working it out. Instead of finding out crucial stuff like how many octopuses it takes to change a light bulb or how many quarter pounders of T-rex could have theoretically eaten before vomiting and

whether Neanderthal said X-ray vision or could P-round corners. But this is important science. Five times, having evolved into a crab mostly from other crustaceans or crustaceans, if we're still allowed to call them that. And that's the PC lobby of stop just calling them that as well. But obviously the context of human evolution, the crab is something to aspire to. We do not think Alice, I mean, I know you're a flamingo skeptic and I don't know if this is.

No, I love a crab. I feel like crabs evolution wise are the, crabs are the table chips of evolution. Like no matter what you get, you're going to get a thing of chips chips for the table That's what yeah, that's the function of just for safety You want to have some chips there in case whatever else you order is not good I can't remember now if British people call them fries or not hot chips. Well, it's new enough I think When the context you know, it's very environmentally friendly the crab seldom takes flights We're I mean, we're still you still the big clacky snapper arms

give it a couple of generations I think I'll be very very very handy and I think social meter has made us we're not physically developed into crab jet but I think maybe again this is social media niche you know we are developing a spiritual hard shell and big clacky snapper limbs for making abusive comments and a pathological fear of embracing views that do not coincide with our own which is very much a crab attribute and when you do last year a crab use the words actually Genevieve you might have a point. Well and also we're we're we're we're evolving the ability to only move side to side and not progress forwards but other than that.

There we go. My favourite one of my favourite things I've read about this in terms of animal evolution is that some elephants have now evolved to be tuskless because we keep on chopping their tusks off. Now, some might see that as a damning indictment of humanity's inability to coexist with other creatures on this planet. I see us as nature's muse. Nature is having to move forward because of our horrific behavior. It's absolutely brilliant. We're going to see the next generation of chickens evolving pre-basted in Nando spices. I see that as a huge positive.

I mean yeah I love an urban animal for example. Like animals that have adapted to human. Every other animal meeting with humanity is like, f***ed off or died. I feel like I saw, you know, it could possums that eat our bins, and I saw cat the other day in the park with a whole KFC family meal, but I think it bought with its own money.

I can't find that kind of thing I find very inspiring. I like the giraffes with a big lamp on it. I really think that's the best thing. I'm not. But COVID news now. I like the giraffe with a big lamp on it. I really do. And... And... But COVID news now... ... ...

I think that sting was entirely a pro... That's basically a summary of the year, that musical sting. Nish, Alice, you're both the Bugle's official... ...totally intractably incomprehensible, confusing global, literal, and metaphorical, physical, and spiritual pandemic correspondence. What the f*** is going on? I'll tell you what's going on, Andy.

Manny, manny, manny, manny, manny. A lot of people have been in COVID as a stop on humanity's progress and a real moment of which everybody's trapped indoors as a stop on humanities progress and a real moment of which everybody's trapped indoors and it's having a real negative impact and claiming people's lives. But those people are cashless hippies

because you should be viewing COVID. You should be viewing COVID as a huge opportunity to sneak some sweet cream off the top. And there's been a lot of developments in Covid corruption news. On this side of the Atlantic, there's a string of investigations being opened into, and I believe this is the technical parliamentary term, where all of our fucking money has gone, because we have spent 12 billion pounds on a track and trace system

and at the moment the track and trace app and system is effectively tracking and tracing to the same extent as a bloodhound who died in the mid 19th century. It is neither tracking or tracing, shit, and we've spent 12 billion pounds on it so far. And here's the thing Andy, people in glass houses but what I would say is, 12 billion pounds on the track and trace app makes quibi look like strong value for money. Because say what you will about the quality of its output, the output was put out. Okay, whereas the track and trace app,

the track and trace app. The track and trace app is either tracking nor tracing. Now the whole system has been run by Dido Harding, who has some experience in consultancy and also working in the supermarkets working on the boards of the supermarkets, Tesco and St. Petersburg. And so as such has no fucking relevant experience whatsoever. Jamesbury's and so as such has no f***ing relevant experience whatsoever. Although that's not strictly true in terms of COVID because she's also on the board of the Cheltenham Horse Racing event which happened earlier this year and was a super spreader event. So Dida Harding's only experience of coronavirus is potentially being involved in spreading it to

a bunch of people. Therefore, Dada Harding is as fucking qualified to do where to think about correct. Like, was the Wuhan bat not available? Could they not get the pangolin? Could they not have just stuffed a COVID-addled lung on a plinth and had that run the fucking track and trace system? Well, I mean, they probably cured of done. I feel like the problem with track and traces that track and trace sort of in the common

parlance mean exactly the same thing. So you haven't got a clear brief. I find this stuff so frustrating because you know people say sadrists like it when politicians do stupid and ridiculous things. Actually, we don't like it. And our job is to say how much we don't like it. But if you're a restaurant critic and you complain at a restaurant that there's a hair in your soup And they just keep bringing it back with more hair until it starts to resemble Boris Johnson's wig

Then you start to it still starts to pull a little bit I it to me. It's just so astonishing how incompetent this execution is And how much people are still arguing about how bad or how good the government is. Do you know what I mean? There's people who are still on board with everything that the government is doing. This government in the UK is better at dividing people than the guy in human caterpillar, but it fails to sew them back up to each other. I don't know if this is an accurate description of what happened in the human caterpillar movie I haven't seen it. But is he a real villain? I don't know. Alice, I am gonna play the cinephile here and correct you

that it was human said to be. I think human caterpillar sounds like a bunch of charming story about a boy who eventually realizes that he was about to fly the whole time. about a boy who eventually realizes that he was a butterfly the whole time. Hungry, hungry, human catapult. A possible sequel. A possible sequel will probably disappoint the fans of the year. I mean, it seems that essentially with Covid, the government's sort of in a Goldilocks situation where they're trying to solve the COVID enigma.

But unlike Goldilocks, instead of a bowl of porridge, they're trying out different bowls of three-week-old chicken vindaloo to find which one gives them the least explosive food poisoning. And instead of finding the most comfortable bed to have a snooze in, they're sticking their penises in different electrical plugs sockets, I see, which gives the least fatal electrical shock, so they get one that's just right. I mean, admittedly, we're slightly rearranging the Goldilocks story in certain ways there. It's basically an unending game of past the parcel where each layer of the parcel has a rotting sardine and you don't know what's going to be left at the end but you can hear

growling from the inside. That's the way I see it. At the moment, in terms of the corona, it's, it goes deep, doesn't it? It goes, this goes very deep. Yeah, it does go very deep. And the sort of the fee-culturery on top of the shit cake is the fact that as we see greater transparency, one of the things that's going to be a real obstacle to it is the government's anti-corruption champion, is a man called John Penrose, who is quite literally married to Dido Harding. Okay. Okay.

I mean, it's absolutely astonishing. I'm just thinking chat about it, how'd it work? Consultant's about a six grand a day. Circa was made, a company is made 410 million pounds, despite the fact that it's only traced 58% of the contacts it was supposed to have traced, it is really, really spicy stuff from a nation that at best can handle a medium land dose. There was another one of the contracts when to a company called Iander Capital and it was to supply a quarter of a billion pounds

of medical protective equipment masks predominantly. Now Iander Capital, as the name suggests, not specialists in providing medical masks, they are a financial investment office owned by an offshore holding company based in a tax haven that specializes in and I quote their own website currency trading offshore property Private equity and trade financing resulted this contract 50 million masks that proved to be Totally unusable But a lovely beachfront maize net in the Cayman Islands, so you know where viruses fear to tread that's um They were totally functional as a legal fiction, which is the important part of their job.

It's creating a lot of... Absolutely. And in other news, the UN has come out, the UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, the Ninth Secretary-General, the United Nations, and the one with the least interesting name in recent memory, has come out to point out, basically, all of this corruption that's going on and do the thing that the UN does best which is sort of concerned finger waving and

cutting about these pressures towards corruption and the statement that he makes is sort of so forgiving he's like you know we understand that in these troubled times this is a concern for people and I feel like it's just, it doesn't help. I did call the British Government to talk about these allegations of corona coronalism and I got their pre-recorded response which simply went to your complaint about institutional malpractice is important to us. Please hold while we conduct a half-assed official inquiry whose funding we will then refuse to publish until everyone has forgotten about it or the world has ended, whichever

happens sooner. Rule Britannia, PS, when we said we wanted to take back control, what the f*** did you think we meant? So, there's always that to cling to. Let's move on now and talk about Marcus Rashford. Big story this week. I mean, do you think Marcus Rashford with a manion eyes is football? Do you think he's better as a left-sided attacker in a front three, cutting into one as a stronger right, footers and also right wingy,

using his pace to get down the line and whipping crosses or is a proper kind of old fashioned center forward using his pace to get in behind the center back? What's your view on that? Well, certainly. He seems to divide opinion in this question. He certainly did a useful job of dividing opinion this week off the field. And he divided opinion between everyone and the Conservative Party. And...

It was, he really got around the back line of the government, which he unfortunately did not manage to do against a different blue team. Chelsea earlier on this afternoon, which is why for the first sort of 15-20 minutes of this, Bugleess may have noticed some slightly wavering attention on my part due to the fact that I was participating in a long-standing noble tradition of this podcast of having half an eye on some sport that was going on. Anyway, only half an eye. So just fill people in on the story, you've not been following it. So the government has refused to extend the scheme that gives free school meals to children throughout the school holidays. Now the reason Mark Spraschford comes in to all of this is that he's been quite a sort of outspoken advocate and campaigner for the extension of the free school meals program, especially

given the economic circumstances that are facing a lot of families as we live under the pandemic. And to keep things in football in terms, you would think that providing food for children whose families might be struggling, especially in this difficult economic circumstance that a lot of households in Britain find themselves in, would be something of an open goal for a somewhat embattled government. However, when confronted with that open goal,

the Conservative Party didn't do what they should do, which is just calmly, get their head over the ball and side foot it into the empty net. They instead did it. They removed the appendages from within their football shorts and they started dry-humping the ball much to the confusion of the referee, the opposition team and the watching spectators. But they didn't get penalised for it though because the TV replay showed that the end of those appendages was a quarter of an inch off size, so it didn't matter what they did

after that. That is some hot VA arm material. I love it. In response to this, Marcus Rashford didn't do what any of the rest of us would have just done, but he would have just been like, well, I gave him my best and put my feet up and count my billions of pounds that I had. He instead coordinated through his social media platforms a massive national effort of restaurants that were giving money, that were going to give free meals out to help supplement people that are struggling. So, we've gone so far in this year from January 2020,

Boris Johnson tweeting a picture of himself doing a double thumbs up saying, this will be a great year for Britain, to October 2020, where a footballer has had to set up a network of restaurants to feed poor children, because the government has decided against giving them food. So, it's a really, I mean, it's not been an ideal year. Imagine that being the summary of Britain in 2020 plus a f***ing pandemic. That's where we are as a nation right now.

And one of the other, and a lot of the line of attack from Conservative seems to be very weird. Instead of saying, well, look, the thing is, you know, we can't spend the money. Or even trying to bullshit us, they seem to be saying, well, this is just woke nonsense from the social justice brigade. There was a really strange piece of correspondence from the MP Philip Davis. Now I actually saw this floating around on Facebook and Twitter and assumed it was false. Somebody was saying that they had a 16 year old in Philip Davis's constituencies, a Tory MP, had emailed him about the free school meal scheme. And his response was this, thank you for your email,

even though you show how intolerant you are to anyone who holds a different opinion to you. I appreciate the virtue signaling is in vogue, but I'm afraid that I take the rather old-fashioned view that parents should be primarily responsible for feeding their children rather than the state. Right? Now, I assume that is such cartoonish villainy that I assumed it was a joke. However, the local evening Eastpaper in the region, the Yorkshire Evening Post contacted Philip Davis and he said, yes, I sent the email. Imagine responding to a 16 year old who's taking an interested politics and emailing their local MP and saying, I think it's probably a good idea that people, you know, feed poor

children by going, this is leftist nonsense of the highest order. Paying for food for people who were struggling, go back to San Francisco and put some flowers in your hair, hippie. One of the restaurants that's involved in the scheme is McDonald's, which is actually going to be donating some money for people to buy meals. Well, I guess we all know that with Ronald McDonald, he's not just red of hair, he's also red of goddamn hearts. The conservative government at this point is so right wing, they've turned Ronald McDonald into Che Guevara.

That's an achievement, Alex. Well it looks particularly bad when you've just spent $12 billion of failing to keep old people alive to then turn around and say that you're not willing to keep young people alive because you don't have the money for it. It's, I mean, I feel like part of the anger of the Tories at Marcus Ratchford is that he's betraying the class that will never allow him in, but expect him to spend his time slavering at their frosted windows rather than leveraging his position to help starving children. He's a, you know, what are his qualifications, you know? He's a man qualified purely by the fact that he's dragged himself out of poverty by virtue of being good at a skill, and then he has the temerity to tut it the government for their

failure to feed the nation's children when they clearly have the money and resources to do so. It just frustrates me so much when the job of the government is literally to cultivate the human infrastructure of the nation, and there are very few ways you can pretend that's wildly complicated when there's a hungry child going, please sir can I have some more? Well, also this was in a week where our national debt blasted heroically through the 2 trillion pound mark for the first time, go team GB. We did it! Team G. We did it.

Team G. So, refusing to pay our blvd extra money for meals for school children, these very difficult times. I guess that's like going to a triple Michelin start restaurant, spending two grand ahead on food and wine, and then being asked to spend 20 pence to use a toilet and saying no where am I spending that and just pissing in your trousers. It seems entirely inappropriate. Other MPs have also reacted, Urcivil Mattics Grahamhorn, the Tory MP for Snutterbridge West,

said, our research shows that plebs don't really count so it's fine. They mostly grow up to be lefty and layabouts. Frankly, the sooner we starve, more to death, the better hashtag get Brexit done. Now, obviously, I've made up that MP and his words, but at least he had the courage to frictionally say what so many of his other colleagues are actually thinking. Reality has now caught up with your bullshit.

And I think the person that you're about to reference is evidence of that. I think your bullshit is now Be rendered obsolete by this government. Sorry go for it. Yes, well Brendan Clark Smith the conservative MP for Willful delusion central. I think genuine MP He said where is the slick PR campaign encouraging absent parents to take some responsibility for their children? I don't fucking know, Brendan. Why don't you start one yourself and say, I'm fucking flies. Do you know what I'm not so sad? I do not believe in nationalizing children. Is that the one you're about to cross? Yes. Yes. Yes.

I lost something everyone can agree with. Oh my God. Well, in that case, I say, the private sector needs to fucking step up and shell oil and Amazon need to start raising our goddamn children. But I mean, also giving children free school meals at this difficult time, that is nationalizing children. The same way that hitting an eight-procote with a ukulele is doing

scientific research into splitting the atom. It is not nationalizing children. The other part of it is that these Torium P seem to be thinking that by please feed the children we are asking them to go out and hoe the fields and make the sandwiches themselves. If Marcus Rashford can organize for private companies to give children the food, the government, which has power over private companies, could say, you know, here's a tax, instead of throwing food away,

why don't you give some of it to children? And that would be allowed. They can do that. There's just so many governments now around the world are just standing there holding all this power and going, oh, why am I supposed to do this? Like, it's your problem. This is your problem. Perhaps the lowest point in all of this is Ben Bradley, the conservative MP who was sort of spent a lot of time firefighting, largely due to his own stupid fucking fault. Now, delete an exchange on Twitter,

involved him responding to somebody saying that, I'm gonna read this exchange out and full because it is important because of what he's used to defend himself. He said, one school in Mansfield, 75% of the kids have a social worker, 25% of parents are illiterate, their estate is a centred of the area's crime. One kid lives in a crack-dent, another in a brothel. These are the kids that most need help. Extending FSM,

which is free school meals, doesn't reach these kids. Someone then replied to that tweet, saying, 20 pounds cash direct to a crack-dent and brothel really sounds like the way forward with this one. And he responded, saying, that's what free school meal vouchers in the summer effectively did. Now, the reason it's important that all of that gets read out is that he has said that his remarks are being taken out of context. Now, what I've done there is giving you the entire context. Well, now what this leads me to believe is Ben Bradley does not understand what the word out of context means. He does not understand the meaning of the phrase. Let me give him a quick guide

into what the phrase out of context means. For example, if I was in a completely hypothetical way to say Ben Bradley's skin care regime involves washing his face with his own semen, it would then be totally out of context for someone to imply that I said that Ben Bradley skincare regime involves washing his face with his own semen, right? However, all I'm saying is we cannot rule out the idea that Ben Bradley skincare regime involves washing his face in his own saving. Quick Brexit update. Well the Brexit deal has turned out to Boris Johnson

Trump at it to the nation last year. It has turned out to be as oven ready as a live chicken in a heat resistant suit on a heavily armoured raft in the middle of the Pacific ocean. I guess it is theoretically possible for someone to cook it, but it is mired in logistical difficulties. It's niche, I mean, we're approaching the endgame, it's all over Bar the shouting, apart from the shouting back, they're actually putting anything into practice, the decades-long social and economic repercussions, the potential break of the United Kingdom and the cold-eyed verdict of history. But apart from that it's nearly nearly all over isn't it Michael Gove, God rest his soul if it is ever located, said that Brexit is just like moving house. It's a similar moving house which is, I mean at some point

you might start to think has that a state agent told us everything we need to know about our new property. Yeah I mean given that one of the unfortunate downsides of Brexit appears to be that Kent is going to have major lorry queues to such an extent that the government is now exploring a scheme which is going to result in festival portalus being put at strategic points down the motorway that leads to the Kent, to the Fairy Docket Ken, where the trucks will get on fairies. I would say it's like moving house in Sephora, as you've now moved into a house that people advised you against moving into.

And now that you've got there, it turns out you have to shit on the grass. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Happy time. It's also like moving house in that it's a lot easier if you're rich and have another extra house that you can go to. Absolutely, keep going. But we're going for an Australia style arrangement, Alice. You must be very excited about this. We've seen Australia, a country in a different hemisphere from Europe, and gone, this is the model which should be emulating. I mean, that means you can look forward to, I guess, shipping your undesirables off to some sort of refugee island,

which is what we're doing. But again, you can't really blame us because literally that's what we are. We think that's something nice to do, because that is the genesis of our modern nation. American news now, because you have a jingle, Chris. Oh, well, it's exciting. Times in America, we are, well, heading towards the election four years of Donald Trump's own brand American carnage, splattering and spluttering, spluttering to a decision on the 3rd of November on whether to renew, splattering and spluttering, spluttering to a decision on the 3rd of November on whether to renew that contract,

maybe with free bonus added carnage, like sort of loyalty points, it's been an epic tale of Billious anti-competence and obliterative bastardry. I guess if the ancient Greek journal poet Homer had written up the Trump years as an epic tale, I think he would have called it maybe the shithead to rock that joke down for it really to work. But just 10 days to go now until we see how electrically effective the Trump strategy of the five D's has been the five

D's divide deceived, dismayed, incite the shame and flame of bomb and it in Putra 5. Sorry, I lied about it being five D's, is just as the way politics works these days. And we had the election, the last debate this week. And I couldn't bring myself to watch, I've saved it up, so I'll watch it when I know the final school. Did you manage to catch it? Yes, regrettably, I did see quite a bit of the debate. And it was, it's just a shame that a week of the year, I did see the debate. And it was, it's just a shame that a week

before the election, America has discovered that the way to deal with Donald Trump is by actively muting him. And I think that innovation would actually have been really helpful about half a decade ago. The horse has not so much bolted as it's now living in the White House. Yeah, I mean, look, it was, you know, Donald Trump, it was a sort of more measured tone from Donald Trump, which means absolutely f**k all at this point. It's, you know, it needs to be, when people describe him as It's, you know, it needs to be, when people describe him as having a more measured tone, it needs to be considered in the same way

that Lance Armstrong's Tour de France wins were. You know, there's a heavy asterisk against that phrase. And also, they both involve problematic white men who are off their nut on steroids. LAUGHTER That was. I mean, yeah, there's fewer than two weeks to go until some level of riots on the streets of America and everyone's at the edge of their collective seats waiting to find out which

team will be setting whose cars on fire. And Biden has amped up his campaign, he's more aggressive, he's more intense, Trump has amped up something. It's hard to tell what his Trump has amped up something. It's hard to tell what his Trump's ampe is always screaming feedback at top volume the moment you switch it on. Certainly outside of the debate, he's increased. I don't know if you've noticed that.

He has increased the speed of the jump cuts in his stream of consciousness, like the last quarter of a Christopher Nolan. We can only hope that all the timelines finally merge until at the moment of apotheosis, he comes out with just one coherent speech before exploding into a shower of sparks. I just, it's astonishing to me that the debate, actually,

that Joe Biden didn't perform as well as we would have hoped in the debate. He was very calm, very reasoned, and very technical, which is what you should want in a politician, of course. But what we do want in a politician, as we have found out, is a man who is firing out water cannons and jet skis from his paws, like some sort of Japan-a-Monstrosity charging through the streets of New York. It's the only language America understands.

Teaser, Canada and Jetskies, we know that. All of these American elections stuff makes me wistful for the less democratic pleasures of a violent three-day coup. But you may get your wish at it. Yeah, but you know, those countries, they're so much build up to it, just like quick, you know, just suddenly cool. It's quick, it's messy.

You don't hear about it until it's over and then you just have to learn a new national anthem with the other guys' name in it. That's what I would take that over whatever insane conspiracy theory Fox News has decided will sway the extremely decided voters of the delusional Midwest this week. Well, I mean, we've talked a lot about how difficult it is to change people's minds at

this stage. Now, there was a story this week that on more and what Trump spends his money on, and obviously we have this story about him spending a lot of money on his hair and make up and even more money on just his make up, and I think it was 50 grand on an endangered rhinoceros to sacrifice it, a rally to place the anti-wild life lobby. But this week it's turned out that he spent 200,000 pounds on a concentration camp for Wiga Muslims in China. I didn't even think he'd go that far.

I mean, he didn't pay it directly, but it was via taxes to the Chinese government. But given that he paid 750 dollars in tax to basically help all the people in America who needed it, that's so he's funding concentration camps for Wiga Muslims, but not pencils for American school children. I'm sure that's what those disenfranchised, rust belt voters and their pencilless children were hoping it would do. But I mean, we don't know that that's what the Chinese government, they knew that money was from him.

I think they would have diverted it specifically to that. They might have spent it on ballads. We don't know, but it is a lot more than we've spent on America. But at least we can look forward. We can look forward, because in two weeks time the 2024 campaign effectively begins. Excitably. The most fitting end to all of this is, and if we are indeed, and there's no guarantee that, if we are indeed in the sort of last days of the Trump regime, in a way it could not have come to a wall fitting-ed, the Trump's attorney being caught in a compromising position as part of a prank for a barat movie. And in a way, this is the, this is the, this is the apotheosis of Trumpism.

The Trumps lawyer could be trapped by a comedian prankster from the early 2000s. Like the only way it could have been any better is if Trump himself had been caught by Ashton Kuchner and been fully pumped. Of, uh, you know, because we've got, we've got time for a couple more do you think or um swans swans swans swans it's not my show Andy if they turners off they turners off all right swans news now Alice you are our Royal Swans Correspondent there's well a huge well a huge story that really at this delicate time in the relationship between Britain and America could be the final nail in the coffin of the special relationship.

Yes, the Queen gave Florida some swans and then they bred and there were too many swans so they have sold them, which is a terrible thing, too many swans. I feel like this is, everyone's focusing on the fact that that's an insult to sell the swans, or, you know, what are you doing with the swans? I feel like this is, you need to look at the core problem here, which is that the queen brought swans. Of course she brought swans,

she's the only one who can eat them. It's the worst present, it's like bringing your celiac friend the kind of biscuit you like, because you know they'll be in the cupboard for next time you visit. I just think the solution is not to sell the swans of course the solution. And I'm going to say this I've said it before in different contexts but the solution is swan thunder dome. What you want is to accelerate the evolution process, fight swan against swan in a thunder dome, two swans enter once one leaves until you end up with the ultimate pinnacle of evolution, which as we all know is a crab.

Exactly, that's where it's all headed, clearly. The swans were donated back in 1957 by Queen, I don't know how she got them through customs. very good but now I know through these days. For those you not heard of other Queen 68 time British Monarch of the Year and nailed on favour to retain it once again this year despite a strong bid from Dominic Cummings and they're selling these swans by lottery and now it's that a lottery want to win yeah we've won the lottery oh great this could completely change our lives yes it could darling you might want to put some towels down on the sofa. But please, please remember for our American listeners, it's not swans that crap on people's sofas. It's people who own swans that crap on people's.

Nish, do you, you've got paid partly in swans by Quibi, I think? Yeah, yeah, that was part of the problem, Andy. They blew most of the budget they should have spent on Marketing on swans and I did suggest that they just write the word quibi and then let the swans roam around the skies But fell on down on the plus side swan meat quite tasty That's all I'm saying That is one car patch out that will blow your socks off. I feel like they'd taste angry. Everything does these days.

It's all done. That brings us to the end of our participation in the Unmute Pocos Festival do. It finishes today I think but hopefully it'll be back next year to support it and all the other shows that have been on there and oh yeah there you go Chris you can see modeling the gorgeous new Bugle Merce cap Tisha and other stuff. You know, fun, legal fun, he's wearing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've all got, we've all got, we've all got, yeah. Truly, and you are the King of Marketing. Thank you very much.

He only remembered the two things I had in front of me. Yeah, that's it. I would have been so bad at the generation game. That's it. Well, thank you for joining us, Bueglers, Watchers and listeners. It's been a pleasure talking. I hope you've enjoyed. We've had no idea whether or not you've enjoyed any of this, which I think is actually the way we do all the shows anyway. So it's made no no difference, but I do hope you've enjoyed it. Alice, thank you as always, and particularly for getting up at such a

as always and particularly for getting up but that's such a genuinely amazing hours of the day. Good and anything you'd like to plug before we cut off. Yes Andrew, I have a daily satirical news podcast set in an alternate dimension. It's called The Last Post. We also have merch which is Vogue Bob for Bob the Sentient Trash Island. So you better buy that before voting happens so that you can represent at the polls. It won't arrive in time. Oh, Nish. Nish, you've still got a little time to go before the plug is pulled on. Yeah, yeah. We've got two more episodes left. But if I was to translate this into Titanic terms,

Winslet is on the door. She is. She is. Close back on and she is on the door. Yes, there's two more episodes of Hello America on Quibi, but it's... Listen, it's too little too late now. I mean, maybe if a billion people subscribe to it in the next week. We can keep this thing afloat. There you go, Pugas. Get that snowball rolling. Thanks to Chris, as always, for keeping this show fagally on something near enough a road. Thank you for listening. we'll be back with a regular bugle next week, and back whenever the unmute first of all has us back. Goodbye! you