The Bugle - Adults and Aliens

Episode Date: May 18, 2008

The 29th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers! Welcome to issue 29 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 19th of May, 2008, which makes it just 472 short years since Ann Bolin had her bonts locked

off by execution of magazine's husband of the year, Henry VIII. Hello from me, Andy's ultimate here in London, and in New York City, Mr John Oliver. Hello, Buggers. I tell you what, it's been quite a bit dark five this week. X undersecretary of defence for policy, of course, during the Bush administration. That's quite a job. That goes without saying. And he shook the hand, Andy, that touched George Clooney. I had to shake his hand and I'm afraid that not only has the hand gone back to normal, I think it's got worse. It's not just less handsome. I feel I've got some of the blood of innocent people on my hand now.

It was an all great opportunity to hold out the hand as if you were going for the handshake and then go with the old twiddly fingers on the nose. I didn't think of it. It all happened so fast. I just, all I was concerned about that he didn't mess up my other hand as well. I need that hand. As always, some sections of the bugle goes straight in the bin. This week, a self-sufficiency guide to help the global food crisis, including features on how to turn your living room into a battery farm for up to 2,000 chickens, how to motivate your garden vegetables without destroying their self-esteem, and how to grow your own caviar using a fairground goldfish and a contraceptive pill.

Top story this week, aliens! And I don't mean illegal immigrants, I mean actual aliens from outer space. They don't have visas in every sense of the word. Now usually talk of aliens is confined to conspiracy theory, websites and people shouting at traffic, but this time the Catholic Church have waited it on the issue. The Pope's chief astronomer has said that life on Mars cannot be ruled out. Now, there are a lot of things in that sentence to look at. Firstly, since when has the Pope had an astronomer? The Catholic Church has always always had quite a slightly frosty relationship with science. The kind of relationship where neither

side honestly thinks that the other one exists. And just who is this Pope astronomer? Is he just sung with a telescope essentially on Godwatch? Like the iceberg spotters on the Titanic. He just stands on the Vatican roof all day with instructions to sound a horn if he sees God swooping down out of the sky. Well, let's hope he finds as much proof of existence of his target as the iceberg spotters did on the Titanic, albeit hopefully not quite as light. Perhaps the Pope is just into horoscopes, though Andy, the Pope was born on the 16th of April, that makes him in aries, of course, are compatible with Sagittarius and Leo, but of course Jesus was

famously a Capricorn, which would make the Pope incompatible with Jesus, not Mike Inclusion, that's the conclusion of astronomers. Go get angry with Galileo Catholics. Oh, you did. The chief of summer father fumes, I don't know if that's the correct pronunciation, he acknowledged it the Catholic church, or Kathy for short, was wrong to be so nasty to the poor little Italian astronomy

mega star Galileo 400 years ago. But he did add that it is now time to turn the page and look to the future. It's now time. We can let bygones be bygones. All that stuff with Galileo. I think time is a great healer. And it's never too late to say sorry.

So that's some justice for Galileo's grieving relatives and admirers. It wasn't until the reign of Pope John Paul II, nearly four centuries later, that the Catholic Church finally admitted he was right. And on behalf of Galileo, I'd like to accept that neuropoology, Andy. The fact that he died blind and under house arrest by the Inquisition is nothing. What we've learned from this is that you will get your apology from Catholics. You just might have to wait 400 years for it. But better late than never.

It is the ludicrously belated thought that counts. So, hold out for a bit, Africa, because by 20408, you may be on the right end of a sorry for assisting the spread of AIDS card that you can stick onto your fridge. You'll have fridges by then. The question it does raise, John, is that if there are aliens according to the Pope's chief astronomer, that raised the question, did God make them? And if so, were they prototype humans that went wrong? Are we prototype aliens that went wrong, which I think is possibly more likely? And in which

case was Earth his difficult second planet? Or did he simply get de-mov happy after making us and start doing flashy stuff with long green tentacles and shiny feet? Well that's the point, right now right in the Vatican newspaper, the astronomer, Founs or Founes, however he pronounces it, said intelligent beings created by God could exist in outer space. Where does all this fit into the Bible, Andy? Was this what God did, was pretending to rest on the seventh day? He was populating Mars on the quiet. Maybe he just put his pillows under his duvet in a body shape so people thought he was resting. It's a classic move. Perhaps Earth was just God's normal job

and Mars is God's long-term weekend project. Mars is God's shed. It's a shed he's not doing a great deal with, John. It's an absolute mess. It's just red. Father Foon said, the search for forms of extraterrestrial life do not contradict belief in God. And the official Vatican newspaper headloin

for his article was aliens of my brother. Are you f***ing kidding me? Come on Catholics, you've got to make it harder to make fun of you than that. That's just giving it up too easily. I guess that's from the book of Luke. I might be mistaken, it's been a while. Now one key thing here Andy is that if God did indeed make man in his own image, we may have to change some stained glass paintings.

And Michelangelo might need to have a second crack at his ceiling. You need to have little green men all over the cysteine chapel. Well, who's to say that aliens aren't just fat babies with wings? In which case Michelangelo was bang on the bedana. Fat babies with wings. That's basically all he painted, isn't it? I've got to say, Andy, if there is a judgment date, that is going to come up when some Peter for the prosecution is standing up. You have just given

him exhibit a fat babies with wings. Down you go, Mr. Zoltzman, fat babies with wings. It's not something ideal me might have ordered in a restaurant. And that has just sealed the deal. restaurant. And that has just sealed the deal. What's the best way to cook a baby's wings? Oh no, no, that basically, you've got your chicken wings on the side. Oh really, that was the side order. Sorry, I'm actually understood, I mean there. So, well, thank goodness I wasn't a waiter in that regrettable restaurant. And it's not just in the Vatican City that aliens exist, it's in Britain as well. Classified reports of UFO sightings from the last 30 years also have been released by the government. And they showed that the number of reports of UFO sightings doubled after the release

of Stephen Spielberg's sci-fi documentary drama Close Encounters of Third Kind, which was released in 1977 coincidentally, the very same year that the bugles very own John Oliver was released to a fanfare of publicity. That's right, Anne. It does suggest that a film influencing how easily we are convinced that we're seeing a UFO does suggest that as a nation we are extremely dim. It also seems slightly odd, John, that a lot of these reports seem to have come from policemen, which suggests that they might have targets that they're trying to meet for

a number of UFOs reported. And it does raise the question, why aren't they out there solving real crimes? That so speaks someone who has never done a day's police work in his life, Andy. I think they're just battered confessions out of Frisbee's. Eight documents have been released so far with another 200 to follow, and these incidents were clearly taken seriously enough to have been logged by the MOD, though many of them were reported by very old people, or people who have been drinking heavily occasionally, both.

Now, one document reveals the experiences of a 78-year-old man who alleged that he met an alien beside Beijing Stoke Canal in older shots, Hampshire in 1983. He said he went on board the craft, giving a detailed explanation of it, before being quizzed by the aliens about his age. He was then told, you can go, you are too old and too infirm for our purpose. And he, I hope he turned straight round and told them to go f**k themselves. How very rude, there is no worse alien than an alien without manners.

You might be able to get away with that kind of impudent behaviour in the deserts of New Mexico, but that simply will not wash in basing stoke. Good day, aliens! I said good day! A woman in Lincolnshire said that she saw a globe-shaped object in the sky, emitting a light bright enough to read a book with. I would suggest that light was the sun. But apparently there have been over 10,000 reports since 1950 of UFO sightings in Britain, although the vast majority, or let's say all of them, are attributable to a mixture of easily

explainable natural phenomena, IFOs, and barking mad and pissed people wasting the Minnesot Offence's time. And for American UFO fans, Donald Rumsfeldt apparently once thought he saw an alien, but then realised it was merely the unfamiliar sight of someone smiling at him. Well, Dennis Kassinich admitted he'd seen the UFO during one of the presidential debates, and his presidential campaign ended soon after. President Bush News now, and President Bush last week gave the first ever exclusive web interview to Politico and Yahoo News, and Andy, it was a doozy. He is not even trying to appear like he cares anymore. He's already got one ass cheek on a rocking chair in Crawford. He'll ease the second one on in January and will live obliviously ever after. In the interview amongst other gems, he stated that he had given up golf

in solidarity with the soldiers in Iraq. Now, there might have been many people who have argued that he should have given up his job due to Iraq and he seemingly haggled them down to temporarily ceasing golfing. Does his contempt for human life know no borders and will it roam free until the end of time? Well I think it's a remarkable sacrifice. People get up all kinds of things for Iraq, their lives for example. But Warrefects is all in different ways and for a soldier giving up their life that's part of their job. For a president giving up golf is in many ways more of a sacrifice. He said, I don't want some mom, which is beautifully put, some mom whose son may have

recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf. I feel like I went to the families to be in solidarity as best I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal. Here's my concern Andy. In a way has he not let the terrorists win by doing this? But in his defence many great men have given up their favourite sports in wartime. Churchill gave up Beach volleyball and Alexander the Great gave up ice hockey and you know what a puckhead he was. Well yeah he has he has caved in, because the terrorists don't want us to play golf. And there's a reason for this, John,

how many terrorists have ever won a major championship? There had been quite a strong rumours about Ian Wuzman being a front for the FARC rebels in Columbia, but he's always denied it, and I'm not gonna argue with the lead. And Colin Montgomery's got clothes as well. He's got very clothes. We all know who he's working for,

Tamil Tigers. Oh, British leaders don't give out their sports that easily. When Francis Drake saw the Spanish Armada hoving interview in the English Channel in 1588, he finished his balls game, John. He did not cave in. He made a joke about the Spaniards and Fishing Quoters. Then he finished his balls game, which I believe he won three sets to won against an ancestor of the three-time World Champion Tony Yolkok.

Bush could learn from the example of great British leaders like that. It really helps you think clearly and plan important military and political decisions. So, in fact Phil Mikkelson said that whilst winning the USPGN 2005, he formulated complete plans for an invasion of Mexico that he claimed would definitely work, and also quotes only require about 10,000 ground troops, a couple of choppers and a B-52. But he didn't even stop there with his first ever internet exclusive interview, which intidentally on this show he should perhaps be his last. He also defended his opposition to the Kyoto Treaty on climate change saying, I could have

supported a lousy treaty and everybody would have went, oh man, what a wonderful sounding fellow he is. But it just wouldn't have worked. I don't think he won your president trying to be the cool guy. Oh Andy. How does he retain his capacity to hurt? That could be the biggest success of his two years in office, that after eight years of relentless disappointment,

he can somehow still turn your stomach. It's not his fault he was elected once. He's been in Israel this week. President Bush gave his speech in the Knesset to Mark Israel's 60th birthday, and a bus pass for that country. week President Bush gave his speech in the Knesset to Mark Israel's 60th birthday and a bus pass for that country. And he took a swipe at Barack Obama claiming he was appeasing Iran. Now you'd have thought that giving a speech in a nation where the tactic of shoot first field questions later has proved somewhat counterproductive. That he might

not be quite so dismissive of a bit bit of George or before War War War. But also, with Neville Chamberlain, you know, he gets a lot of criticism for a pediment, but he was really the set-up picture and he set it up for Winston Churchill to close it out and get the save. Also, a pediment was giving things away. It wasn't talking to them. I don't think anyone's suggesting, I don't think even a farmer's suggesting that we give some of the Czech Republic to Iran, unless he is, in which case let's hear him out.

Bush was also in the Middle East because Olmert there has a 5% approval rating. 5%? Israel is not a big country and some of that must be his family. 5% is in, King Charles I had a better approval rating than that and we chopped his head off. President Bush says Eher dolma is a frank and honest man, although it appears that the courts may disagree with that claim. He has spent most of his time in office saying no I didn't repeatedly. But in fact he was down as low as three percent which suggests that he's turned the corner and it's now heading back up towards respectability.

And it must be nice for Bush to spend a bit of time with a leader with a lower approval rating than himself. Where it must be incredible, it must feel very strange for him to not be the most loathman in the room, although internationally, I still think he's got it. And there were also rumors emanating from this meeting that America might have a pop at Iran before the end of the year, which by total coincidence is when Bush is facing compulsory redundancy. That really is sticking a fat envelope in the intray for your successor. It is hard to think of a rude way for Bush to leave office than invading Iran, short of painting the White House pink, gutting the inside and turning the entire building into a disco. That would just be Copping Lyndon Johnson. Lodicrous Economics News Now and Zimbabwe has issued a $500 million bank note.

At the beginning of April, they issued what was then the largest animation bank note at a poultry $50 million. That is one month ago What can you buy for 50 million bucks these days? Half-decent holding midfielder. Well not even that in Zimbabwe. You can buy about half a banana They've actually also given up releasing inflation figures after it reached 165,000 percent a few weeks ago They've just given up now you can you see the reaction to the Bank of England's prediction that inflation in Britain will hit 3.7% at some point. And that's been enough to make Britain's soil its collective financial underwear.

And people in Zimbabwe must just be scoffing at us with total division. It's good to know that there is an amount of percent inflation where it just becomes irrelevant. You just gotta have the balls to push through to the other side. Go through the tough times into the point where money is just the thing of the past. So to commemorate this fantastic achievement by Zimbabwe, we have a bugle quiz and we will be giving away a made up bank note officially signed by the world dictator of your choice. And you have to answer this question correctly. What is the highest denomination bank note ever officially issued? Was it A, the 204 million rubles note issued by Peter the Great to celebrate winning the tallest

man in Russia competition three years in a row? Each million rubles represented a centimeter of Peter's winning height. Only one of these notes was ever printed, and the massifts are paid it to himself in prize money. Was it B, the 500 billion lira note? It is rumored that a suitcase full of these renaughts sank to the bottom of Lake Como in 1938, when Benito Mussolini capsized his peddler while trying to impress racing driver Alberto Ascarri's new girlfriend. Was it C, the 100 quintillion pengo note, issued when Hungary went not crazy after the end of the Second World War, the Soviet army later forced the locals to use more decimal points or face immediate execution? Or was it D, the one trillion Ugandan shilling note ordered specially by Iddiar, meaning the mid 1970s, so he could make the world's richest origami pigeon. A, B, C, or D. Do email your answers to yourself, and if you get it right, then you can draw yourself a bank note and sign it from a world And now a special bugle adult section. Bunch, bow, bow, bunch, and bow, bow, bunch, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, listen to this part of the people, or at least have ID suggesting you are. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yep, this section comes in the week when it was revealed that 75% of Canadian women have

humped in a tent that one in three American mothers has had or is having an affair. And it is 46 years to the day since Marilyn Monroe made a mess of JFK Strauss who was just by singing Happy Birthday to him. A talkative Marilyn Monroe, Andy, Marilyn Monroe sex tape hit the market a couple of weeks ago. Jimmy Hendrix has also had one emerge and there does seem to be a new craze

for sex tapes of long dead celebrities and have no fear because there is a glut of them coming out. Other emerging sex tapes are Queen Victoria and Prince Albert having sex on the back of their speedboats. Now this is interesting historically for two reasons. One, it's a fast-noting glimpse into the private life of the longest serving queen. And two, it casts serious doubts

over when we currently believe the speedboat was invented. Also coming out actually is a previously unseen section of the Bayer tapestry, which has William the Conqueror in the lap dancing bar celebrating his victory at the Battle of Hastings. Oh, that's our adult, that's our adult. There's reportedly an upcoming video of Cleopatra

getting off a horse in an ungainly fashion without any underwear on. There was some paparazzi there, unfortunately, to carve it straight into a rock. And the internet is currently a wash with videos of Hottie from History, Joe Anna the Mad, pole dancing. Oh yeah! She was just trying to pay away through college Andy. Yeah! It's interesting that this craze for sex tapes are famous people from the past does seem to have coincided with the global phenomenon that is hotties from history.

That's right. I think we are both in credit and in debt for that. How much are you gonna have to pay to see Jimmy Hendrix in action, so to speak? I don't know. I don't know. Actually, I've got that far. I actually hadn't clicked on that.

I don't really want to see Jimmy Hendrix having sex. When it's have any hands on it? I don't know, say it's 15 pounds, $30, I don't know, that seems reasonable to see. Do you mean it? Don't it rigs? Well, I think that is the same price as his voodoo child album. And I think he'd rather that you listen to his seminal work of rock genius than watch him bump. Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah, I think you're probably right. I mean, he was basically redefining the boundaries of music,

and you can get that for basically a fiver. So, I'd imagine that he was probably okay at pleasureing the ladies. I don't know how one qualifies these things, and I were both shawing Andy. I was inherently repressed British myth. And the more we talk about adult issues, the more we are kind of regressing into Victorian, I don't know how one may rank oneself as a admirer of the female form. Or indeed, who would make that decision?

In the words of F. Scott Fitzger Gerald. I believe, come like Hugh Grant. In other adult news, three lesbians are suing a lesbian organisation over the use of the word lesbian. That's right, a man from the Greek island of Lesbos is not at all happy that ladies who like ladies have stolen the name of his island due to the ancient Greek power test Sappho, who variously lived in the 7th and 6th centuries BC, was certainly a lesbian with a capital L and may or may not also have been a lesbian with a small L. The islanders say if they are successful in this legal fight, they will start to fight the word internationally. Who has the right to call themselves lesbians? Is it all the gay women

in the world, or is it a hundred thousand reactionary Greek islanders? Or is it in fact both of them? Because gay women are not counter-suing, they're happy for the island of Lesbos to keep using the term. It's good brand association for them. Lesbos is a beautiful island, presumably full of lesbians. But even if this gentleman Demetrius Lambrou, who is leading this case, even if he wins his legal battle to ban the use of the word lesbians to refer to such ladies, a quick search of the internet confirms that he has got his work cut out if he wants that to apply across the globe. He said in this claim that the international dominance of the word in its sexual context violates the human rights of the islanders and discreetes them around the world.

He says it causes daily problems to the social life of Lesbos' inhabitants. I doubt that. In court papers, the plaintiff'ses that the Greek government is so embarrassed by the term lesbian that it's been forced to rename the island after its capital, Mittellini. Now usually, Andy, this kind of level of repression can only be there to mask later desires. There is only one rational explanation for this outcry. The entire Greek government is gay. They should just admit it. Come out of the closet and enjoy the gay lifestyle they so deeply yearn for. Stop wasting every once time with these ludicrous

court cases. Over the last couple of weeks Miley Cyrus, the poster child of Disney, is coming for huge criticism for a supposedly sexualized photograph from Annie Leibovitz, which showed her wrapped in a sheet with slightly tussled hair. Just a few things with this quickly and the one Miley Cyrus is 15 years old, so really for pedophiles without the courage of their convictions. And two, it didn't look sexy, it just looked lazy, she looked like she was late for her paper round. And Hugh Heffner claimed that the furore shows how skits of frenic America is about its sexuality. Wow, when the voice of reason is coming from Hugh Heffner, a man who built his own grotto, we have to be worried.

And in fact, Andy Playboy is now losing money. Playboy Enterprises ink posted the quarterly loss last Tuesday because of week of publishing and domestic television revenue and forecast more trouble during the year. Now this really is bad news. Andy Playboy is the economic canary in the coal mine, recession may well be on its way. If only we'd have this pornographic bell weather before the Wall Street crash,

history could have been very different. How is Hugh, by the way, John? He's fine. He's still in touch with him. He's sort of never been in touch with him, but he's saying that, John. But I was with you at Hugh Heffner's 75th birthday party I completely forgot about that In London, well it was one of his 75th birthday parties I think he was on a tour of the world having birthday parties everywhere

And I should explain for intrigued bug listeners that the company that manages John and me were doing the PR for you having a 75th birthday tour and we got, as a result of this, invites to his birthday in London. And I think it's fair to say, John, you and me are no strangers to looking out of place in social situations, but I don't think we've ever looked quite as out of place as we did at Hugh F. 75th birthday party. All I remember about it, Andy, is lasting about half an hour before I got extremely depressed and left. Well, what I remember about it is making the mistake of also inviting my wife to come along

to the party. And when I said to her, darling, you're the best looking girl here, she slapped me hard in the face. It was then, Andy, that I knew that that relationship was destined to last. More adult news now and Starbucks, the coffee giant and purveyor of inedibly dry bagels at Stanzter Airport in 2002, has unveiled a slightly altered version of its mermaid logo, which shows a bit more boob. Because nothing screams, I want a cappuccino louder than a topless half woman half fish with what looks like a nasty tail injury.

Now, inevitably John, where there's bear flesh, there will soon be a religious group complaining about bear flesh, on the grounds that God made Adam and Eve and the tabard to cover them up. And not even fact of 50 will stop you burning in hell. The Christian-gripping question called the resistance working out of San Diego claims the logo, quote, looks like a prostitute. Now John, I have no expert on prostitutes. But whilst driving home late at night across tooting common in South London, I can safely say I have never once seen a mermaid nervously lighting a cigarette under a streetlight. The founder of the Resistance Group, Mark Dief, suggested that Starbucks might as well rename itself as Slutbucks,

which I think is a bit of a logical leap, but I think we all agree that would brighten up high streets around the world. And he added that the woman is actually a siren, not a mermaid mermaid which in Greek mythology lures people to them with their beautiful songs and then kills them kind of an early day Kelly Clarkson and in many ways this is very similar to Starbucks who you're people that is a reference I simply did not expect to come from you and do you even know who you're talking about or did you just type that into the internet do Do you know who Kelly Clarkson is? You don't, you don't know. Not really. Is she the same as Lee and Rhymes? No, she's not the same.

Oh, that's good ass. Uh. Adult horse news now and the world's leading stud, Sadler's Wells, is being retired. The horse, described as the best-sire Europe has ever seen, is to cover mayors no longer. And don't forget, this is a continent that has seen a lot of horses, humping a lot of other horses. There are literally hundreds of winning horses that call Sadler's Wells daddy horse and wait expectantly by the stable door for the birthday sugar lump that never

comes. Now in his prime, John, Sadler's Wells was banging about 200 mrs a year at a tasty 200,000 pounds per hump, making him at 40 million pounds a year the world's best paid prostitutes. When asked what he had attributed his success to, he said that he just had an uncanny ability to nail mayor into the hay and give her a damn good killering. And now he takes his phenomenally potent echo and nages into retirement, citing fatigue and the unending bump and grind of being a stud horse. Bugle emails now and Andy, we've got one here from Kerry Ahun from Temble, Terry's Florida and she said, did John and Andy,

admittedly, I know next to nothing about British politics, but after just watching an NBC notly new segment on the newly elected Mayor of London, I must ask, did you guys just elect Gary Bucy? Well, John, I'm gonna have to ask you first from the point of view of British listeners, who is Gary Bucy? Well, Gary Bucy was, I guess, slightly still is a film actor here who has gone and I know

you enjoy this term, but it's crazy. Well, apart from the film acting bit, then it does sound like yes, we have basically just on that. That's... you are absolutely right, Kerry. You might not know much about British politics, but your instinct is outstanding because that is exactly who we've elected. So congratulations Mr. Busy and good luck running London. Another email from Chris Richards in Need and Massachusetts, and he says Dear Buglers, I was very happy to hear the return of the American, during last week's podcast.

However, it was at this point that I noticed John has retained his British accent and refuses to speak in the normal correct American accent. Oh boy. You have my full attention here Chris. Now if he just moved to New York last week, this could be excused although last time I visited London I received nothing but acceptance to appreciation from you Brits for having the common courtesy of using your regional expressions and putting on my best dick fan, dyke, circus, merry, poppins impression. As soon as how you've lived here for a while,

I must insist that you start sounding more like Hugh Laurie and less like Eric Eidl. Hugh Laurie sounds English. He's faking it for you, Yanks. He says, below is a sample of something us typical American saying data they conversation. And he's written a little passage down here for us to practice American accents with. So I'll take the first one, you take the second one and I think he can he'll soon see why sonically we are incapable of sounding American. Okay here we go. To which you go I took the elevator from my apartment down to the buildings underground parking lot. I walked past the hood of my

car to the trunk which was full of half-eaten french fries and empty bags of potato chips and took out my gasoline siphon hose. Oh, that's a pretty good start, John. It's terrible. After stealing a gallon of gas from a neighboring car, I got into my hammer and drove to the local war to down a few ice gold but like and watch my favorite football team in New England Pete Rich. Andy, are you a private detective from your 1920s? I am, yeah actually. It's sounding perfect to me, Andy. So it Chris went on to say, please practice the above paragraph in your spare time or while on air

I expect the next week will be true to hearing two distinct dialects one British and one regular also on that note Andy keep up the good work your diction is perfect cheers Well, that's wonder if that is true after hearing what you just did the American accent So do keep your emails and hotties from history flooding in into the bugle at times online.co.uk And the latest hoties from history will be rounded up in a special hoties from history bugle blog at some points in the next six months Hopefully sooner than that Bugle sport now and yes this week. It's the one we've all been waiting for. If we are Manchester United or Chelsea fans which neither us is so realistically it's the one

that a few of you might have been waiting for for a couple of weeks but most of you probably couldn't give a flying shit about. It's a great day for Britain, John, the first all-English Champions League final. We have proved once again that if we put our minds and our collective wills to it, there is nothing we cannot achieve as a nation if we hire in people from around the world who are better at it than we are. Is there much excitement in America because of the glazes owning Manchester United? No. No.

That's absolutely non. It's a tax ride off. No, no, that's absolutely non. It's a tax write-off. But following the violence that Mark Rangers win in the UEFA Cup over Manchester Police, will Chelsea and United fans be able to take on the Russian police in Moscow? Now it's always a tricky place to win, John as Napoleon and Hitler would both testify for cipherously. It's hard to hooliganise in Russia.

Hitler tried it a long time. A long time he gave it a go with his unruly thugs, but they were beaten back. And I don't know if Manchester United and Chelsea are stronger than the German army in World War II. We'll see. My favourite sporting story of the week Andy was LeBron James' mob coming on court

during the Cleveland Cavaliers Boston Celtics match and shouting at Kevin Garnett, prompting LeBron to turn around and scream at her, sit your ass down. Now I must have watched that about, I guess, on average, about 5 to 10 times a day since it happened on YouTube. And this is part of a long tradition of people's moms getting involved in sport, Andy. oilinets mom was once furious with how much Thomas Hurnes was hitting her son in her face. So she got into the ring and she knocked him out with a flying uppercut. Then Moon walked out of the arena in triumph to Tina Turner's simply the best.

So this is not without precedent. There's not another thing happening in boxing when Henry Cooper knocked down Cassius Clay in 1965, I believe, which is a bit of a surprise at the time. The reason for that is that Cassius was distracted by his mum turning up at the arena shouting at him to go back home and tidy his room. Also, it was rumoured that during the 1990 World Cup semi-finals shootout, Gary Linnacle was so nervous about taking his penalty that he sent his mum out in disguise to take his penalty for him. And she's scored confidently. I'm not sure with LeBron James, though. I think he's probably big enough to fight his own battles, especially if those battles

are on the basketball court and involve lobbing a big ball through a hoop. And now a truly historic moment in the history of humanity and it's happening, it is happening John. This is the last remaining clue in the audio cryptic crossword. John, for me as we look back now on the glorious history of the audio cryptic crossword, I think it kind of provides a link between the ages, the age now of the bugle being almost 30 additions old and back when it was just a tiny little podcast in arms. Really, and I see the glorious history of the audio cryptic crossword. In the same way as I see

the glorious history of the Third Reich, a terrible idea which was rammed down people's throats for far too long. I always see as a triumph for persistence, dogginess, and the value of standing up to pressure from the other side of the Atlantic. I think the audio-cryptic crossword really is a shot across the bowels to American imperialism. That's how I see it. Anyway, the final clue is this. And it's one that you should enjoy, John, because it's got a bit of literary element to it. And I know how much you should enjoy John, because it's got a bit of literary element to it, and I know I'm actually love your books. It's 13 across. It's nine letters long splitting to two words of four

and five, and it is this. What Beckett might have his characters do to chivey things along today? Contact Almighty before it gets off topic. So how do you feel Andy? It's over. Well, I feel like Captain Scott and Amon's and rolled into one. Well, I mean, what are we gonna do? Are we gonna give the answer to, why next week are we gonna start with something new? Oh, could give one answer away a week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

nice try. Well, I guess, I guess we'll give people a little time to come to terms of their own personal grief at the end of the audio cryptic crossword. And then maybe when a dignified time has passed we'll post the solution on the webpage, timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle. And bugle forecast now to wrap things up and this week's forecast is on who will be the Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate and John John, my money, is on Bill Clinton.

He is available at 150-1 on a betting website. Admittedly, it's a bit of a long shot. But those are tempting odds, and if I was a really, really rich man, I would put on loads of large, different bets totaling around about £30 million, just to get some chatter started. In which case, if you're going to do that, Andy, I would go for the forecast of Abraham Lincoln as VP. That is a dream ticket. Well, one of us has got to be right. So thanks very much for listening to the Vugal.

Do join us again next week. Bye bye. Have a delightful week. Cheerio! you