The Bugle - An AI Odyssey

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

Joining Andy this week on issue 4387 of The Bugle is Tiff Stevenson and from across the pacific Hari Kondabolu. As they report on Elon Musk's plans to remake an accurate portrayal of Homer's An Odyssey following the release of Christopher Nolan's cinematic blockbuster. Elsewhere the Bugle catch up of the actions of the 47th US President, the Italian con man who tricked tourists for years, Andy Burnham's first few days in office and the Commonwealth Games! 🎥 AI Odyssey: The Bugle's film review section, explores Musk's plans to produce a accurate AI version of Homer's Odyssey 🇮🇹 Ancient Con: The Bugle report on a Italian con artist's ancient deception as they faked a famed amphitheatre for years 🏅 Commonwealth Games: Andy, Hari and Tiff discuss the dated Commonwealth Games and the appearance from the Tardis of an odd looking new Doctor Donate to Emilia: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/p/a-safe-accessible-home-for-emiliaAndy's Links: https://www.andyzaltzman.co.uk/Hari Kondabolu's Links: https://harikondabolu.com/Tiff Stevenson's Links: https://tiffstevenson.co.uk/The Bugle at Edinburgh Fringe '26: Alice Fraser: https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/alice-fraser-oh-manNish Kumar: https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/nish-kumar-angry-humour-from-a-really-nice-guy-work-in-progressTom Ballard: https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/tom-ballard-be-funny-challenge-impossibleTiff Stevenson: https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/tiff-stevenson-lucky-work-in-progressMark Steel: https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/mark-steel-what-the-f-is-going-onFelicity Ward: https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/felicity-ward-i-wish-i-could-come-out-of-my-shellJosie Long: https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/in-conversation-with-josie-long🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to the last bugle before our annual summer hiatus. I am, yet again, Andy Zaltzman, and I'm reporting to you exclusively for the bugle from the shed of inextricable newsivitiveness. It's the 27th of July, 2026, meaning that once again another week has passed,

as predicted, in this both literally and more and less importantly, metaphorically burning world. To analyze everything that either has or hasn't happened in the last week. I am joined by, irrespectively, from both and either sides of the Atlantic, Hari Kondobolu and Tiff Stevenson. Hello to both of you. Hello, Andy. How's your July been, Harry? I like how you worded that question. You didn't ask me how I was. You asked me how my July's been, which... I've learned gradually. Yes. It's been fine. We celebrated the 250th anniversary

of us kicking your ass, which was delightful. We had to be. fireworks and all that. Other than that, you know, if I'm not paying attention to the news, things are great. Yeah. And not paying attention to the Mets as well. Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you, Andy Zolzman. Too soon. You know what the worst thing about that is, is that I got my five-year-old into baseball and now the poor kids watching the Mets and has no idea that teams don't need to be this way. That, like, winning is an option. and that your players don't keep getting injured.

Like he thinks this is normal. Well, that's good. You know, that's how I grew up watching English cricket in the 1980s. Look at me now. Character. So much character. How's your, how's your summer been? I've been enjoying it.

I feel we're edging ever closer to apocalypse influencers being a thing. Yeah. And that's going to be exciting to behold. I'm just going to open Instagram one day and see someone going, Fit Check for Armageddon. We're florals when all the plant life's dead. You'll really stand out.

So, yeah, I'm just watching it all bemusedly from the sidelines as per usual. It's been, in fact, I was down in the coast last week, down in Bournemouth, and there was an island on fire down there. Oh, my God. Everywhere's on fire. It's very, very hot. We're about to enter another heat wave, where we will have everyone else from around the world telling us that it is not hot,

comparatively to their countries and then we have to explain that all our buildings are designed to keep heat in whilst I lie around in a pool of my own sweat watching reruns of like Baywatch and Buffy the Vampire Slayer on TV. Yeah. Well, you know, it's part of our national heritage to build buildings that are not future proof

as could be shown by, for example, Stonehenge, which is pretty much useless these days only works twice a year. We are recording, as I said, on the 27th of July 26, which is apparently cross-Atlantic communication day, marking the first permanent transatlantic telegraph cable across the Atlantic. So appropriately enough, we've got Harry on the show from the other side of the Atlantic. So what's, what a greater way could there be to mark this momentous occasion by communicating across the Atlantic?

Did you know that was going to happen, that this day lined up perfectly? No, I just found out about an hour ago when I was desperately right in the same. start of the show. That's sorry. The secret of how this operation works. On the 28th of July, 1540, Henry VIII, married his fifth wife, Catherine Howard. That was wedding number two of the year for Henry,

which arguably is not a good sign if you're participating in the second of those weddings as the bride, especially when your new husband is a bit preoccupied on your wedding day by executing his chief minister without a trial, as he did that day, Thomas Cromwell picking up. her career-ending neck injury. That's got to knock off a couple of points off your dream special day rating, I guess. Look, I'm not an expert, being a veteran of just the one marriage, but when both the bride and the best man are nervously scratching their necks whenever you look at them,

you probably know you're not the ideal husband. That's why I always wanted Anne Boleyn to do stand-up, but you could just do the line. I knew he wanted me to give him head. I didn't realize he went mine. And as always, a section of the bugle is going in the bin. This week, August, the entire month of August is going in the bin. We're off for the month of August.

We will be back in September, but our section in the bin is the entire coming month. We will have a couple of sub-ep episodes for you in that time. But for the moment, August is in the bin. Top story this week, fake stuff. Now, given how hard it is to work out what is actually going on in the world, amidst the disinformative narrative squelching, fact-drowning and obfuscationism that is modern politics. We're going to start our final pre-vacation bugle with a fake stuff news section, beginning with Elon Musk, the rancid-souled gazillionaire planets under one of real reality's most dogged foes

and a man more fictional than 99% of actual fictional characters, has claimed that his AI platform will respond to Christopher Nolan's blockbuster film The Odyssey with an AI take on the smash it ancient Greek epic poem that is, quote, historically accurate and, quote, true to the art of Homer. Now, this is hugely exciting on numerous levels, particularly for Homer, whoever he or she was, if indeed he or she was.

Historical accuracy, not really a huge thing for Homer, given that those poems were epics and myths. So historical accuracy, not a huge thing back in Homer's time, whenever or wherever that was. But what do you guys make? Is this just simply the future of human creativity that Elon Musk can produce anything with AI in basically minutes and all human creativity is essentially dead?

I think it's quite woke of Elon to want a historically accurate Odyssey, isn't it? They're going to play the Greeks. And I'm just here for historical accuracy for all Greek myths. And I think we should take it further. I think only a woman who was born with snakes in her hair should play Maguta. Cyclops should be played by someone with one eye. Not partially sighted. I mean like literally one eye in the center of the forehead.

And, you know, there's a grok version. that he's put out, which Grock hasn't figured out yet that you can't put all of your exposition in conversation or dialogue. So I did watch it. And it's kind of like they're saying Hollywood should be worried. And I'm like about this trailer, it looks like Charlton Heston starring in a movie of the week written by Hello magazine.

That's the level of quality we're talking about. So I don't think they're quite quaking in their boots. Have you seen the movie either of you yet? I have seen the movie, yes. It is so good. Homer deserves a multi-picture deal. Just really quality writing. I mean, it's like you said, Andy, it's a story.

It's not history. So you suspend disbelief. Like you're not watching the Hulk and saying, no one's that big and green. Like, yeah. And also, you have to suspend disbelief when watching anything. Like, like, you raise how much? how often when I watched that film, I had to think to myself,

wait a second, Odysseus looks just like Matt Damon. I mean, and also if we're really being true to ancient Greece, we'd have more people with like olive skin in the movie, and there would be a lot more gay sex. There would be especially alone on that boat and on those islands. There would be so much gay sex. And that apparently was omitted. Yeah, we've all seen the jars.

the plates. We know what went on. Yeah. I mean, the internet has frankly got nothing on most museums of ancient Greek artifacts. So, look, Nolan's version of The Odyssey has not gone down well with everyone. Well, as you said for a start, he's turned Odysseus from a scheming, courageous, egotistical genius, as he was in Homer, into Matt Damon with a beard. And I don't think that is an improvement on the character.

And also Nolan chose not to use the original Greek, instead using English because of the woke. Also, he crammed it all into under three hours rather than doing it in real time over 10 years, like it was supposed to have been done. It was supposed to be done like the old TV series 24. He also huge controversy over casting Lupita and Yongo as Helen of Troy, despite her not being, as well, Tiff was already intimated as Helen of Troy was supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world. but unfortunately for Christopher Nolan,

my wife was busy when he was filming. So we had to come on. Are you listening, darling? Are you listening to this episode? And also controversial because LePita and Yongo, unlike Helen of Troy, had not been born by hatching out of an egg, which made the casting highly contentious

in the bird and reptile communities. You know, how could LePita really relate to Helen's lived experience as someone who had hatched? But she's famous, so she got the gig rather than, for example, a mallard or a platypus. No such qualms, of course, over the casting of Tom Spider-Man Holland as Odysseus' son Telemachus, because Holland's father, Dominic, is a stand-up comedian,

so like Odysseus has been known to come home after a long tour on which he's told lots of stories, and also phenomenal archery. So that casting stacked up. I'd like to see Must kick off, you know, let's retrospectively over an Australian playing one of the most famous Scottish historical figures. Where's the chat about this, you know? Or an Irish man playing Rob Roy. Yeah, I mean, it's, there's a lot to be, there's a lot.

I mean, the thing with Musk, and this is one of the great ironies for me, Musk himself is as close to being a Greek god as we can get these days, in the sense that he's wildly powerful, completely unaccountable, with a load of weirdly named kids by different women, vicious, venal, egotistical, cruel and random. So he's basically a Greek god without any of the good bits, without the people, also, and regrettably without the willingness to live up a fucking mountain. So I think one of the ironies of all this.

It's weird to hear him complain because things change. You know, the Twitter was supposed to be an app where I'm not told to kill myself every time I log in. But, you know, things change. The English aspect of the movie was a little jarring, especially because it was very, like, it was too casual. Like Tom Holland's like, hi, Mom. Dad? It's like it's just way to, there's this one scene where Penelope is yelling at the suitors. And she says something to the fact, you all like to party.

What? Party as a verb? In ancient Greece, a verb. It was like seeing a Starbucks cup in the back. The background. It was absolutely bizarre. I mean, the thing is, AI with the technology it has now, could create a completely different epic in Greek. in the same amount of time,

it would have taken the original Homer to say, actually everyone, I'm probably not really an actual person. I'm more of a convenient anthropomorphization of a collective oral storytelling tradition. So, I mean, that's what we have with AI. But you could also say, is AI as, you know,

the agglomeration of human creativity and ingenuity developed over time, not a more appropriate modern version of Homer than Christopher Nolan? Answer, I don't know. I wouldn't even bother asking that question, to be honest. Watch the film. You like it, you like it, if you don't, you don't.

I just don't understand why people, I've never understood why people lose their minds over entertainment that no one is forcing them to watch. Yes, well, also, I mean, reading a lot of the responses on various newspaper sites, which are not necessarily homes to the most tolerant of readers. A lot of people have got furious about not only things that they don't have to watch, but things that they have no intention of watching. So, but anyway, that's the world we live in.

That's where we are. And at least, you know, we've moved on from the times where people used to sacrifice their own children and also get a favourable win for a boating expedition. So I think, you know, we can give ourselves one over the Greeks on there. Well, in other ancient world fakery news, and this, I have to say, is one of the most heroic stories that we've come across in the bugle

and all the years we've been doing it. a man in Italy has been jailed for faking an entire amphitheatre. Let that sink in. A man called Franco Meloso von Rosen, France, the self-proclaimed curator of the Berico Maritime Amphitheatre near the beautiful city of Vigenza has been jailed for faking an entire ancient site and charging people 40 euros to get into it. Now, there's so much to admire here.

And the bugle would never condone criminal activity. However, within the Venn diagram of not condoning criminal activity, I would say this is the closest we would get to condoning criminal activity. Faking an entire amphitheat. Obviously, they've always been forgeries through history of the pyramids, actually built in the 1970s as a marketing gimmick by a Swiss chocolate. company. The moon landings actually filmed on Mars, but it was in black and white, so he couldn't tell the thing they landed on was actually red. And the 1850s, never happened. But he built an

entire amphitheater 20 years ago in, well, essentially in a large city. Vicenza, beautiful city, famous for its phenomenal Palladian theatre and the startlingly good meal. My wife and I had on our first trip to Italy almost 30 years ago, man, it was absolutely sensational. But he's got away with this fake amphitheatre for several years. He claimed he discovered it after a landslide and it took 10 years before people started to say, hang on, are you sure this is definitely an amphitheatre? And I think in this world of lazy con-job scams and swindles, let us give due credit to someone who aimed higher and more importantly aimed much less lucratively who bothered building an entire amphitheater. He didn't just ring someone up pretending to be someone's grandad in need of cash for an emergency BBL or whatever scams us do these days.

He built an amphitheater And he didn't charge people 40 euros It's not nothing But he's not stealing everyone's Life savings And yeah I mean he bullshed them

With wonky historical timelines And said that Julius Caesar The salad man visited the site More than 400 years after he died Whilst winning the always hotly contested Roman assassination victim of the decade award For the 40s BC And that the fictional love-struck team

Juliet of Romeo and Juliet fame lived next door before being written to death by shape of it But this is heroic, is it not, that he got away with this. And there's no way he could have covered his car. I don't know how many people paid the 40 euros to get in. But I cannot imagine that he covered the costs of building a fake amphitheater. This is, I mean, this is, if I'm not saying it's a victimless crime,

because in many ways he himself is the victim. And maybe we are for having prejudiceless damage. But this is a phenomenal story, is it not? there were clues people you know that something was off the the large iMac screen that certainly that certainly was telling as well as the garden gnomes and pink flamingos that he sprinkled in i mean there there were signs i mean it's weird like if you're going to have a lie you got to make sure the numbers add up like like the caesar thing is kind of like it's like saying benjamin franklin was the previous tenant in my flat that was built in 2006

Like, you just got to make sure that's in line. The fact that he has, he got two years in prison is interesting to me just because, you know, I don't think faking an amphitheater is going to get you much street cred. Like you're in prison with murderers and it's like, yeah, I faked an amphitheater. I made about a thousand euros. It just seems like you've got to stab somebody on the first day. You've got to do something. You've got to go in hard with a.

Oh, yeah. The shiv. Day one. This is a 3,000-year-old shiv for my... Justice for Italian entrepreneurs. That's what I say. Justice. This is Dragon's Den level entrepreneur.

I think this is actually the opposite of the Tiffany problem. I don't know if you're aware of the Tiffany problem. All right. In history, it means they call it the Tiffany problem, which is where something that's... feels like it can't be ancient or medieval because it feels so modern, but is in fact ancient or medieval. So this is like the opposite of that. It feels too modern because it is in fact modern in 2000. And I think this is a bit on the people around him. I think the reason they've

been so punitive with his punishment is because they feel embarrassed. Like he said he discovered it, but he's not an archaeologist. So why would you just take that at face value without investigating it. Like the man's like, I'm a conductor, I'm a philanthropist, and they're like, sure,

and now you're an archaeologist, and they just went in and went, oh, this isn't old, this is modern, and I just love the idea. He was like, yeah, I made it out of the Legos. What's the problem?

He's a very old Legos back then. And apparently he just like stacked or stuccoed blocks, which he treated to create an antique effect, which we all know how you do that, dip them in tea bags, some tea. And that's how you get

old stay. But my favorite bit of the story is that basically, and I'm going to do an impression of him now, Cleopatra, come here, she stay here, and also Juliet from the Romios and Julietta. Like, she grew up here, genuinely. He said that Juliet grew up there. Juliet, from Romeo and Juliet, the fictional Shakespearean play, which was set in Verona. This is incredible. Like, you know, actually someone should mention to Elon Musk that a historically inaccurate version of Romeo and Juliet by Baz Luhrman exists.

So we can go about that. But I would have gone further. If I was going to do this, if I was really going to go to town, I would have been like the first slice of pizza was made here. Lovia and Mario did the plumbing. The Dolmillo family lived here and created the recipe for the best pasta sauce. You know, just let's just go all in. in get the

build, really build the story. Well, yeah, I mean, this guy has my massive admiration because, I mean, like I said, just the effort involved. And also, it was really convincing if, as I did, you just look at one picture of it on the internet. I mean, quite as a genuine

amphitheater. This is, you know, it's not like faking a faberge egg or a faberze omelette. It's not a bogus stradivarius or a knockoff of Apollo 11 landing, lunar landing module is not a pretend skull from a pretend species or a fragment of the genuinely real cross

or a counterfeit vangoth painting of Babe Ruth slugging a homer into the streets of New York or even a real fake version of a fake version of Homer's Odyssey. This is a whole fucking amphitheatre. He got away with it for 10 years. That's got to sustain him through his two years in the slumber.

That's got to be the after-dinner speaker. When he comes out, people are going to be like, how did you do this? Forget rugby players and football players. They'll be getting this guy in. And I do think part of it is the humiliation because the carabinari came in and said, right, we need to investigate this. And then they looked at satellite photos and went, oh, he's leveled a hill. And how easy that must have been to do that, to just look at some, is it topographical information to go,

oh, this man is actually lying? but the local community, they're the ones that are like money. Presumably, though, they benefited from the tourism. So it's not like the people who went there are asking for their 40 euros back. I think it's them going, we look really stupid because we actually advertise this. And also, we say he leveled a hill.

Presumably people had noticed there was a hill. And then there was, they're not a hill. And it was an amphitheater where they had previously not been an amphitheater. I mean, they're in on this, to be honest. And they don't deserve any of the reflected, albeit criminal glory. Now it can open up, actually, as a tourist site, as tourist site of the biggest scam. Yeah. So they can just keep it as is and then have pictures of the story going around leading up to his incarceration.

And people will follow the audio narration. And then they'll just make more money. This is a win-win. America News now and, well, Harry, as you mentioned, you've just started the second quarter of a millennium of the USA's existence. How would you say it's going so far in the early stages? It's not good. I gave it a thought.

It's not good. And one of the early stars of the first 250 years of America, the First Amendment, is, well, it's having a bit of a struggle at the moment, Harry, with your current president. It doesn't seem to be an enormous fan of it. The Department of Justice has dropped, for now, an attempt to subpoenaed journalists for the crime of being journalists. The journalist crimes in question, journalisticified themselves into trouble by reporting on stuff, as is their job.

Specifically, they're reported on the new Air Force One aeroplane, stroke, crucial piece of presidential hardware stroke toger extension for the world's most psychologically institute. The Air Force One was a, I think we reported on this a while ago, other news outlets also have, no strings attached gift from the president's many admirers in the Qatari government. They have been concerned raised there could be security risks and also more than zero strings attached to the no strings gift in this plane and the attempts to report

on this have brought prompted. the Trumpian government to try to basically suppress journalism. Are you a First Amendment fan, Horace? I'm a big First Amendment fan, but I will, this might surprise people. I do side with Donald Trump with regards to his use of the Katari plane. Right. I have no issue with Donald Trump writing on a plane with serious security risks. I don't see the problem in that whatsoever.

I mean, no, of course this is very, this is bad. using federal prosecutors as hired thugs to intimidate journalists is very strange. Also, in the filing, it was bizarre because they wrote down that the journalist when he was, when he was, I guess, when the federal agents entered his home, was watching sheep detectives, which I don't understand why that was a key detail. Like, why is that relevant at all in this? I mean, if he was watching the sheep erectives, the porn version, that would be a jarring detail I want to remember.

What does him watching the sheep detectives have to do with anything? I think it's a clue that this is someone who likes to investigate. That's what that film is about. They're trying to find out who murdered the shepherd. And if someone watching this film might get clues to what Trump is up to. The National Press Club of America called on the Justice Department to withdraw the subpoenas. And to reaffirm a principle, I'm quoting here, that has long distinguished the United

States, a free and independent press serves the people, not the government. And I think to get Trump on board, all they need to do is replace the word people with the word person. And it'd be right on board that particular dolphin. Just that one person that the press is supposed to serve, which is, of course, him. So this aircraft, apparently, some of the issues were around Trump's wanting it as soon as possible. So the retrofitting of the aircraft to meet the standards of an Air Force one, of which there are several, it seems. They tried to do it in eight months instead of the recommended several years.

The Pentagon has tried to cover up the price tag. and reportedly, according to the New York Times, they've taken funds from a classified budget for nuclear modernisation to pay for President Trump's aeroplane toy. So all in all, I guess it's on brand for America 2026, really. And the gift from Qatar has seen

not merely as a way of currying favour with President Trump, but also of biryaniing influence with him for large leverage. And of course, calling him darling whenever they chart, if I may stretch the Indian food references. That's so how dare you, how dare you, how dare you. Is there not a full pun run here? I thought there would be more.

No, I'm clean. Are you full? I've been clean on pun runs for a few months now, I think. Well, I find it interesting that Trump said, don't worry, the luxury jet will soon be maxed out in a about a month or so. Maxed out. Is it a car? Is it going to put some neon lights underneath it?

It's a spoiler all the way around it. Just make sure the pilot has some furry dice in the cockpit. And maybe actually just spitballing in here, the fuselage could be upgraded with a subwifor, a couple of tweeters in the luggage hole and get some fat tunes happening on the way to a NATO summit. That's what we want from Air Force One. We want to pimp that ride.

That's what we're doing. We're going to get it pimped. I guess important. The black boxes in. haste and gold. I guess the important thing, Harri, is that, yeah, I mean, sure, they might be spending millions of dollars

of public money to do something shittly just to get it done within the president's attention span. But surely, a barely usable ceremonial performative jumbo jet is all the nutrition ordinary Americans need on their plates at dinner time. That's important.

Well, it's not just the media and journalistic integrity that Donald Trump is at loggerheads with. Also, And these two don't often necessarily go together. Museums and LeBron James. Hari, as at the Bugles, American museums and Major League Basketball correspondent. Just bring us up to date with these battlegrounds in the Trump War versus goodness.

I mean, he wants signs outside the Smithsonian that says that there's inaccurate information. in the museums, which is annoying because museums are our shit on the left. Those are things we go to. This is a direct attack on our shit. Like, what if the next Democratic president forces public enemy to be inducted into the country music hall of fame? How would you like that? Wouldn't feel so good, would it? They're going after.

And honestly, if Trump really wanted to disrupt things, he could open up his own Trump-Smithsonian Museum of African-American History. And you can just have a bunch of exhibits about Clarence Thomas. And everyone's at, why don't you just open up your own museum? That's all you have to do. The super-sized Trumpy Museum. He's accused it of being thinly veiled anti-Americanism and extreme political activism. And what they've recommended, this bit's great, they've recommended the museum

post a notice at the entrance reading, warning the exhibits in this museum were prepared by people who don't want you to love your country. So what Trump is saying is we want you horny for America, we want you supersized for America, we want you hard for the USA. We don't want you to see this diverse country built on immigration in its fullness, its complexities, its triumphs,

and also its horrors. And it kind of looks like, you know, they want you to see it as you're entering an arranged marriage with America. You're this bride, to marry this guy, you know, we're just only going to reveal that your husband comes with lots of money. Don't ask how he got it. He's young, relatively to the rest of the world. He's tall and handsome and big. They won't mention that his bigness can be used to dominate and crush you. He has lots of land for your beautiful family homestead. Again, don't ask how he came by

it. Yes, he's a ladies man, but you want that, right, because it means experience. Just don't mention the Icky STDs that he had because he mainly passed those on to Indigenous women and killed them. Anyway, look, he built a statue. Yay! He spawned philanthropists, abolitionists, scientists, adventurers, entrepreneurs. Yay! Majority of whom were immigrants or descendants of immigrants, boo! Greatly did Mount Rushmore pave the way for our current president, the greatest man who ever did live, Donald J. Trump. Yay! Who was birthed in America from a Scottish immigrant vagina. Boo! Anyway, this man here to be your lawfully wedded husband. Who says romance is dead?

Something like that. I'm just workshopping. And the LeBron James spat, Hari, it's a curious world that we live in. We talk about this a lot on the bugle. Our version of the universe, and there must be better ones. There must be, but we live in this one, so we've got to make the most of it. But we somehow live in a version of the universe in which Donald, Trump has accused LeBron James of being racist. So, I mean, that's, I guess, you know, a fact that we have to deal with.

But what's the background to this? Well, LeBron had chosen, chose the Philadelphia 76ers as his new team. And then he was, Trump was asked, do you think he's the greatest basketball player of all time? And Trump said he was a racist. And to be fair, if anyone can spot a racist, it's Donald Trump. He is associated with tons over the course of his career. His rationale for everything is so petty. He basically said he prefers Michael Jordan because LeBron hasn't said

said nice things about him, which isn't rationale for why someone is the best of anything. I don't think he likes me, so I don't like him. But he has the most points in NBA history. He said mean things. I don't know how to be objective. Everything is so personal. And also, in a weird way, Trump insulted Michael Jordan, because nobody wants to be like, oh, I like Jordan more.

Like, nobody wants Trump on their side. Like, did he just refer to Michael Jordan as an Uncle Tom? Is that what he just? Is that he just applied? And in terms of LeBron being racist, is this just because he's better than all the white basketball players? Is this how his racism manifests itself? Well, then that would be most of the NBA's racist.

You said it. He just doesn't want LeBron playing for a team that's younger than him. One final piece of American news. And it's sort of related to Trump battle against truth. It involves Marmots, the squirrel-like rodents and OnlyFans, the mostly porn site. And rodent-bothering boffins, scientists, if you will, at UCLA,

have turned to only fans to share saucy hidden camera footage of Marmots ostensibly in an attempt to raise research funding in an age when, in America in particular and many other places around the world, scientists repeatedly being told to go fund itself. Trump has evidently decided that Marmot research is less important than building a massive golden statue of his own scrotum

to dangle from a special arch above Washington, D.C. I'm reading between the lines here. But the funding for finding out what motivates rodents in general and whether Marmot specifically could evolve to become giant killer niblers the size of a battlefield tank has been slashed under the Trumpian

administration. So the scientists who wanted to carry on their research in a tale as old as time itself have turned to only fans to raise a bit of extra wedge. Tiff, this is, I know you are the bugles' rodent media correspondent. I thought you were going to say only fans correspondent. I did not say that, and I was never going to say that. This is, I mean, is this good for the Marmots or is it just reducing them to objects? Yeah, I do think it's reducing them to objects, but I'm here for.

for it. Forty little marmots. Yeah. Listen, I think in today's economy, you've just got to find the best way you can to get attention. We're in attention economy, and, you know, maybe they should offer, I guess they're going to need to escalate in order to compete with the top people on that platform. And there's some wild stuff going on there. I don't know what they're going to be doing on the lives, but I don't want to be tuning in for

it because I don't think I'll recover from seeing that. The UCLA professor who's behind this Marmot modeling said, we're not going to sexualise this. We're just going to have fun with sharing. But that's how it always starts, isn't it? It's how it always starts. Sharing fluids. The next thing you know you're emailing Marmots for more pictures.

That's right. You'll have Marmots dressed in 19th century Prussian military uniforms, grinding their netherables up and down an obergene while presiding Mary had a little lamb and promising to get even more nibbly in exchange for cash. It's a slippery slope. Oh, hopping into a mom's DMs. I feel like these scientists are misdirected

because only fans isn't for marmots. It's for beavers. Hello! Hello! Hey-oh! Joke of the show. Good night, everybody. Possibly the odd mole rat.

My real concern with this is that, you know, we are leaving a legacy and a footprint for future generation. very much as Homer and the ancient Greeks did for us. And what my concern is, is what if the only relic of the internet age is the Marmot OnlyFans page? What will future generations think of our civilization? If what they find and what they assume is that our human species died out

because we got obsessed with rodent porn and ceased a breed? I'm not happy my legacy will be assumed to be that. So far, according to the New York Times report, the account had generated only about $650 in tips, and this has inevitably led to fears that the marmots will be pressured into increasingly extreme content to raise money, especially when other hornier species get on board. This is basically meaty gravy to trade and start pushing the envelope

further and further up wherever envelopes aren't designed to go. So, anyway, I just can't see this ending well. It should have been a subscription with a live cam. This is the model of length. But what they've done is they've done is they've, They've got free subscriptions and asking for tips. Yep. And you know, you know, the moms that are willing to go the furthest are going to make the most money.

It's just, it's like a strip club, basically. You know, there's, I'm actually imagining they will be doing some poll work. I'm just in their skill set anyway. How the poll cat came into being. This redefines the term milf. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. UK news now

and well Andy Burnham became Prime Minister last week as reported exclusively on the bugle in his first week in charge one of the things he's done is open number 10 North basically another branch of 10 Downing Streets but in Manchester

the city where Andy Burnham was mayor and now number 10 north is one of those performatively political stunts that is a performative political stunt and B a a genuinely progressive and hugely overdue change to the London centric status quo.

Those two are not mutually exclusive. This is a pointful gimmick, if you will. And to illustrate the pointfulness of this gimmick, I think we need to ask ourselves here in Britain, if there have been a number 10 north when decisions were being made on the HS2 railway line, whether to spend £100 billion to make it very slightly quicker to get from London to Birmingham

on one of the nation's few already well-functioning rail lines, or to spend £100 billion improving all the shit railway lines in the north of England and the rest of the UK. Well, the chances are, then we would not have the white elephant that is the unfinished London to Birmingham HS2 line. And instead, we would have a white elephant that is an unfunded infrastructure project scarring the north instead, way over budget. But at least it would have been in a more sensible place in the country. So that is why number 10 north I think is needed to help shift the mind of government and a little bit of the geography of government around the country.

Andy Burnham described the launch of No. 10 North as the best moment of his life. Wouldn't have been that for me. That would be England taking the last Australian wicked at Edgebaston in 2005 whilst I hyperventilated on the floor of a flat in Edinburgh watched by a confused Stuart Lee and getting married and the both of the two children. He's still listening, darling? But anyway, I think it was, it was, you know, what did you think of it? Tiff?

I mean, because it did it. Clearly, there's an element. of gimmick and public relations, but at the same time, it does feel that it's a gesture that has a bit of weight. One of the criticisms of Andy Burnham is that he dislikes the south of England and does never focus on Wales and Scotland. I don't think that's true. As anyone has read, Beth will tell you,

Burnham would come to Dunseneane, dropping off in Manchester first to build a number 10. I'm excited for number 10 North, more so for the after hours, because we know the OG number 10 is quite the place for partying, especially if there's a lockdown, you know. So I think number 10 north is going to be a great club. I'm picturing the heyday of the Hacienda night club,

skittal servants with gloves sticks, ties around their heads, dancing to stone roses and primal screen. I think it's not like the worst idea. I think it will be good to spread stuff about it. It does feel like everything is focused on London. We are focused on Westminster. So I think it possibly engages, you know, some of the more rural communities, coastal communities,

which are in desperate need of like uplifts and regeneration. And so I'm kind of pro what he's said so far. I mean, firstly, before we get into anything, tip of the hat to his wife's full name, if you don't know it, is straight out of Pueiro. Her name is Marie France Van Heel. She is an heiress about to lose her fortune to a greedy stepdaughter. I don't know if you've watched that one. But yeah, I think, look, I think pledges-wise,

a lot of the pledges, a lot of the stuff he's promised, I think looks to help working class and middle-class people, you know, bus fare caps, ending rough sleeping, building more council houses, which we desperately need. I think it's all good stuff that I would expect from a Labour government. I don't know why I'm shocked because it doesn't feel like Labour has been very much a Labour government for a while. but the one I'm really interested in that he's promised is,

and it's a business first idea, which people would accuse Andy Burnham of not being, he's too socialist to do anything for business, is he wants to cut business rates for pubs. And that's going to cost $100 million. And he said that's funded. And it will cut business rates for pubs, clubs, live music venues in England by 20% from April 2027,

saving a typical pub about £1,000 a year, which I think is great. obviously for live entertainment, including, you know, music and stand-up comedy. And in a world of increasing AI dominating slop, people are really going to be looking for, like, live forms of entertainment and real stuff. But from a genuine perspective, I think there are so many public spaces disappearing, you know, pubs, bingo halls, community centres that are all sort of being turned into luxury flats that sit empty or chain shops and stuff that becomes derelict.

So, like, if I was a conspiracist, which obviously I'm not, as you know, Andy, there's a concerted effort to keep people away from gathering together and exchanging ideas. However, this is the bit I like the most about this plan to cut business tax on pubs is, it's estimating it costs the Treasury around 100 million a year. The government claimed it would be fully funded but did not provide details beyond stating part of the cost would be met by reviewing release for businesses that do not make a positive to local communities such as vape shops. Yes, get in like,

because I genuinely think vaping poriums are the portal to hell. And like anyone, if you've ever been, it's just some dude sat behind glass cases directing you to flavours like wild grape and sherbet and bubble gum, like a sleazy Willy Wonka. If you're feeling naughty, maybe you can try an e-pipe and come off as a cunty Sherlock Holmes. I don't know.

But at any point, the entire place could self-destruct and take out several listed buildings with it like it just did in Glasgow. So anyone, any prime minister that wants to get rid of vape shops and vaping, like I'm on board. I was confused by what rough sleeping meant. So I thought finally a prime minister that's concerned with sleep apnea and tossing and turning. You've been waiting for a leader like this for quite some time and then I found out what it meant. One of the recommendations is that Andy Burnham has given is that you put a pillow between your knees.

when you lie on your side. That should help you out. Overall, Burnham's first week has been somewhere between messianic and abysmal, depending on whether you want it to have been messianic or abysmal, and depending on which newspaper you read and all right for. For me, he's been reassuringly competent at basic communication skills, which admittedly is a fairly low bar, but seemingly a bar that several modern politicians fail to get over.

And he began with his speaking Downing Street that we talked about, last week by speaking without a lectern or notes, which is something I've managed to do in some but not all of my shows. So that's a good start that he can talk unscripted for five minutes. One of these things that people are constantly surprised by from politicians. He's announced plans to fix social care, which is a good plan, because we've tried a completely non-functioning care system, and it doesn't work. So I guess trying something different and trying to fix it is a good idea.

But overall, I would say a week and a bit in, and I might be going a bit early on this, I think it's too early to say how it's all going to pan out. But we will have full exclusive coverage on Andy Burnham's prime ministership. Bear in mind, as I mentioned, we're off for the whole of August. So based on the current churn of prime ministers, by the time we're back, we might be reviewing his entire term of office, but I think it'll probably last a bit longer than that. He did say something about Number 10 North that I've never heard a politician really say.

He said, it's not just a new office. Through this place, power is going to flow. Energy is going to flow. New ideas are going to come through. Is energy flow an official government measure? Is that something? Is karma going to flow? Our neurons going to be flowing?

firing, is lava going to flow? You have to understand this from the point of view, where we are as a nation. We don't really have a manufacturing sector anymore. We basically run it into the ground or sold it off. So energy flows, that could be a growth sector in our economy,

just believing positive vibes. Yeah, we're manifesting vibes. That's what we're doing. We've got some crystals. We've got some crystals up in number 10 north, and we're going to be doing and we're doing some deep healing work, we're going to moonbathe, though,

and a couple of spells. I mean, at this point, why not? Yeah. We're going to have... Try everything else. We're going to have Gwyneth Paltrow as Secretary of State for Trading Industry.

The Jade Vaginal Egg. We can come together as a collective to insert a jade vaginal egg for a moment of national healing. I can build a bed of Britain. And pelvic floor. So on the two go hand in hand. Sport now and, well, the Commonwealth Games are on in Glasgow.

And that might surprise people who had assumed that the Commonwealth Games would no longer happen because it's the 2020s. But they are still happening. Even in this world of relics from bygone times, clinging on just for the sake of clinging on, the Commonwealth Games are heroically past their time. They are a relic of a relic of the relics of the British Empire. They enjoyed their heyday basically way back before there was sports on the telly all the time everywhere or at once and more so.

I'm not complaining. I'm just reporting. Is there still a difference between those two things? Let's hope so. So any sporting event on the telly had an audience. So even when I was a kid in the 80s, the Commonwealth games were quite big. But things have moved on. And also, we are four further years on from the British Empire being over. So it's another four years into obsolescence. The original hosts of the last two editions of the games have pulled out. So Birmingham hosted instead of Durban last time and Glasgow, which hosted it. I think in 2014, I stepped in because the Australian state of Victoria basically couldn't be asked to waste shit loads of money, putting on a sporting event that fundamentally no one really gives a shit about.

But the games are on for now, sort of. And what more appropriate beginning could they have had than the King, and so-called Queen of the UK lolloping out of a fictitious time machine and waving. Tiff, this was, in terms of great moments of opening ceremonies, obviously there have been more spectacular opening ceremonies with bigger budgets, but an anachronism, opening and anachronism might be peak, peak opening ceremony for me. Yes, an opening within an opening, within an opening, we're back to the inception again, aren't we? I couldn't think of anyone better to explain the opening of the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow, though, than a Scottish husband.

So I present to you, Scottish husband explains a hang. The Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. The Commonwealth Games are currently taking place in Glasgow after the original host, the Australian state of Victoria, pulled out because it was going to cost $7 billion, and they pure shat it. The games look like they might be cancelled until Glasgow went, ah fuck it bring him here we still got all the stuff in the cupboard for 2014 and in the spirit of recycling old stuff the opening ceremony reused the idea of combining

a monarch with a beloved british fictional character you loved seeing the queen and james bond you really loved the queen and paddington so here's the king and camilla so here's the king and camilla awkwardly stepping out the tardis surely the whole point of the TARDIS is that it can travel anywhere in time and space there are infinite planets, parallel universes and alternate dimensions and it still brought them fucking here

when you think about it if you're looking for two institutions that only makes sense if you travel backwards through time the monarchy and the Commonwealth games are bang on pal the Commonwealth games are essentially Britain getting together all the countries it used to own every four years and saying

right, near hard feelings, let's have a race. Elsewhere in Scotland, Edinburgh has introduced a 5% tourist tax on overnight accommodation, which means Glasgow is taking in thousands of international visitors and putting on the Commonwealth Games for their money at found down the back of the sofa, whilst Edinburgh is standing at the other end of the M8, charging folk extra for wanting to stay the night. It's a classic difference between East and West approaches to hospitality, Glasgow says, come on in, we'll find room.

There's no much in the cupboard, but what's there is yours. Edinburgh says, you'll have had your tea. Well, no one could possibly have explained those two stories better. So thanks to Scottish boyfriend once again. Well, that brings us to the end of the Bugle this week. We will be back, as I said, in September. In the meantime, do go and see all the bugle co-hosts who are appearing at the Edinburgh. a festival, even if you do have to pay an extra 5% on your hotel. Tiff, what are you plugging?

What am I plugging? I'm plugging a preview at Top Secret on the 12th of August. That's in London. Then the run in Edinburgh is 14th to the 18th inclusive midday at Monkey Barrel. But the main ones I want to plug are my European gigs because I know that there are bugle listeners in Europe that do want to come out to these shows. So we have, I'm going to be in Rotterdam. on the 29th. I'm going to be in Luxembourg on the 30th. And on the 31st, I will be in Belgium. And all of those shows, you should be able to find on sale or come to my Instagram page where we'll have details.

I'm hosting a podcast called Health Stuff, which is found wherever you get your podcast. We're doing our stone series of tonsal stones, gallstones and kidney stones. We just did hemorrhoids and hernia. It's a real thrill. And for the 15th straight year, I will be missing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival because unlike some of us, I don't have money to burn. All details of all Bugle Coho shows will be in the show notes, I'm reliably informed. In terms of what I've got to plug, well, I'm doing an end-of-year review show.

The Certifiable History is back. I'll be performing it at Soho Theatre in December and January and a few other venues dot around the country's all tickets. ticket links will be available soon via my website and isultzman.com. UK and we'll put a link on the bugle website as well. They're not up yet but they will be soon. So what greater way to end the year

could there be than giving someone else tickets to come and see my show? Until September, goodbye, we will, as I said, have a couple of sub-episodes to keep you going through August if you want to improve your summer or winter to delete according to Hemisphere why not join the Bugle Voluntary Subscription Scheme to help keep our shows free, flourishing, independent and devoid of advertisements

other than the advertisement to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme by joining the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme at the bugle com click the donate button. Until September, goodbye.