The Bugle - An Ask Andy Special

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Hello Buglers! While Andy takes a break from the satirical tomfoolery of the world news. We thought we'd bring you the best of Ask Andy, a subscription exclusive Q&A with the big dog himself. Ever wondered Andy’s dream Prime Minister 5 aside team, Andy’s thoughts on a utopian America or just what cricket spreadsheet he’s working on at the moment. Well Ask Andy is the place to find all that out and more. We’ve selected some of the best questions over the past year, so wherever you are, sit back and enjoy! If you enjoyed this episode why not become a Bugle subscriber where you can get access to Ask Andy every month, it might even be your question he answers next, plus AD free episodes of every podcast on the Bugle network including the sci-fi and fantasy podcast Realms Unknown and science and tech led The Gargle with Alice Fraser!Produced by Chris Skinner and Harry Gordon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, buglers. Happy summer, happy Antipodean winter. It's producer Chris here. Now, Andy's taken a little break from the satirical Tom Fulery of World News to spread himself out on the beach of global politics and radiate. I'm here to bring you the best of Ask Andy, a subscription-exclusive Q&A show that I do with the Big Dog himself. Have you ever wondered what Andy's dream Prime Minister five-a-side team could be?

what Andy's thoughts are on a utopian America, or what cricket spreadsheet he's working on at the moment? What I ask Andy is the place to find that all out and more, and it's a show where the content is decided exclusively by our subscribers. To show you more of it, we've selected some of the best questions over the past year, so wherever you are, sit back, enjoy, and fantasise about becoming a bugle subscriber yourself. Matt has written in, Do you think the world is quantifiably shitter now than it used to be?

If yes, which metrics would you consider to be the most representative? If no, does it appear to be shitter due to, A, immediacy bias, B, the older and grumpier chestnut, or C, chem trails? Good question, Matt. In answer to the first part of your question, is the world, or do I think the world is quantifiably shitter now that it used to be? yes, definitely, and also no, definitely, and also it's complicated. Some things better, some things worse, quite a lot of things, much more annoying, so often the way with places like the world. It's a theme I explore in my tour show.

I think fundamentally, the problem, Chris, is that there's... Obviously, some things are getting better, I mean, you know, ostensibly, you know, science has made the world a much better place generally in terms of medicine, if not necessarily in terms of the ease by which you can blow shit to pieces. But it's just, I think that the reason that things seem shitter is just we know more about the shit stuff that's going on. If you and me, as God probably intended, were peasants tilling the soil like it would have been in the 13th century, and this would have been a very, very different show back then, yeah, what would the news be? but the turnips hadn't grown particularly well.

That's one bit of news per year. If you look at a prominent online encyclopedia, you take a year in, say, the 13th century, generally only one or two things happen per month in the entire world. So now you have one or two things happening per millisecond in the actual world. And so it's news is overwhelming, as I'm sure, most bugle listeners would. And that's very much the role we play in the news universe, Chris,

is trying to make the overwhelming news slightly less irritating. I see that as our calling as a podcast. So I think that's it. There's just more stuff going on. We know more about it. And a lot of it, particularly the most prominent bits, are really irritating. Moving on to the second part of your question, the most representative metric for judging if the planet is quantifiably shitter than it used to be.

But that's hard to pick, Chris. I mean, I guess one way of judging how good the world is is the amount of televised sport, in which case things are way, way better than they used to be. Maybe in many ways have got too much better. The number of things claiming to be the greatest of all time, that's absolutely skyrocketed. to the extent where there was a piece on a cricket website I used to write for it and the headline was India is now unquestionably the greatest T20

international side of all time all time in that in that cat is only just over 20 years since the first since the first it's only just older than the bugle T20 internet you can't call it all time so that's I think most of those things are not the greatest of all time or the best thing ever or the funniest thing ever, whatever.

And I think that makes us irritated as a species, thinking that things always have to be the greatest, when clearly they're often not. In terms of a number of people not happy with stuff as a metric, obviously things are worse now than they've ever been, but that gives an unfair advantage to the modern world because there are more people, Chris. There's more than 8 billion people here.

So in many ways we've got medical science to blame for all of that. In terms of proportion of people in the world who think it's getting shitter, that's hard to gauge. I mean, like I said, medieval peasants didn't have a social media presence to complain about how boring it was, farming carrots for no money and repeatedly dying young of avoidable illnesses. So that would be my, in terms of the, it's hard to pick a meds. What about, what would you think, Chris? What's your metric for whether the world is getting better or worse? I think it's quite simply, how many varieties of peanut butter can you find in a supermarket?

And I think when I was a child, there was Sunpat and supermarket own brand, essentially. And now I reckon you can walk into any basic supermarket and see 8 to 10. And if you think the world is a worse place for that, we can't for friends. And also very, very different as well. It is the greatest era for peanut butter ever. And peanut butter has been around for way longer than the bugle or T20 grid. It is unquestioning the greatest, the greatest peanut butter era of all time. In terms of

the third part of the question, does it appear shifted due to immediacy bias being older and grumpier or chemtrails? Yes, yes and yes. Chemtrails are a huge conspiracy to inject a pessimism enhancing steroid into our air and our water system

via precipitation that makes people dissatisfied and facilitates the rise of extreme media and cantankerous politics. So, yeah, that goes right to the top. There you go. This is a really weird question, Andy. It's from Sarah Stringer. I don't fully understand it myself, but couldn't resist it. Hello, in July 2004, a BBC questionnaire asked Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver what they

most wanted in the world, and they both said, a head like an orange. In July 2024, Andy Zaltzman listed in his top pipe dreams on the bugle and included a head like an orange. No one gave context on either occasion, and I cannot for the life of me recall any time in the intervening 20 years where Andy has referenced this. Please tell us, Andy, why do you want a head like an orange? Right. Ask a good question, Sarah. Well, I don't know if I actively wants a head like an orange,

although I have said clearly on at least two occasions that I would like a head like an orange. I don't remember the BBC questionnaire from 2004. To be honest, I don't even remember saying it on the bugle in July one month ago in 2024. But I'm nearly 50 now. These things just slip out of my mind because my head is apparently like a sieve. So an orange will be better. It would store information better, I think, than my current brain.

Well, this goes back to a favourite joke from my childhood, the joke about the man with a head like an orange. Are you aware of this joke, Chris? I don't think I am. Please tell me the joke. Well, the joke fundamentally is, and then, John, I think, John was, and Chris Adelson we work with on the department. I think we all like the headlock and orange joke.

The joke is fundamentally a guy, yeah, guys in a bar, and someone comes in and it just looks like a normal person, but he's got a headlock and orange. And the guy goes up and said, sorry, I don't mind, don't know an intrude, but you mind telling me why you've got a head like an orange. And he said, oh, yeah, it's quite an interesting story. I went to an antique shop, bought an old lamp, and then it was just polishing at home. This genie came out and said, you can have three wishes. So for my first wish, I wished I could have, you know, 50 million pounds.

So enough that I'd never have to worry about money again, but not so much that I become an asshole. For my second wish, I wish that I could become the world's greatest table tennis player, because I've always loved table tennis. But I've always been rubbish at it, went out and played, basically unpeatable. And for my third wish, I wish that I had a head like an orange. So that's the joke. I mean, is that a joke? Is it an anti-joke?

Is it an exploration into the meaning of futility? Is it really get to the very hearts of what human ambition is? What are we striving for in life? You know, the ephemoralities that we cling to and the absurd wishes that humanity has. Who knows? Or is it just a stupid joke? Who knows?

I mean, that's not for me to judge. But anyway, we both love that joke. Obviously, it came up in an interview in 2004, and obviously it was still there in my head 20 years later. And, you know, it's clearly a joke. that some people like more than others and evidently John and I were only more than the others. So I think that's as simple as it gets.

But again, you know, you look at how the world could be improved if Donald Trump did not have Donald Trump's head but had an orange for a head, he would be instantly a far more likable person and much less likely to win the American election because they've never voted for anyone with a piece of citrus fruit as a head if you discount

Rovi Cleveland so there you go so that's that's that's the reason fundamentally I mean it's a little bit clearer now just a little I haven't yeah to be honest Sarah I haven't

you know actually sat down and thought would I like a head do I really really want this because I mean there are occasions without wishing to break the secrets of the trade whereas comedians we do say things we don't entirely literally mean. But on this occasion, maybe I do. Maybe I do subconsciously, literally metaphorically mean it.

Well, good luck on your quest. Thanks. Let us move on to another one. Actually, I think part two you've just answered, but I'll start with part one. Andy, this is from Pete in Bristol. When a stranger asks you what you do for your living, what you do for a living, what do you say? Also, what's your favourite joke?

which I think we now know. Actually, my favourite joke is one about the guy with a grapefruit for a head. But the entirely different joke. Well, what do I ask me what I do for a living? Well, generally I say I'm a comedian, and then people look at me thinking, well, I've not seen you on the telly. Which, but it's slightly depends.

Then I might chucking cricket status decision. Those are two facts. So, I mean, you know, I could say I'm a surgeon, but that would be wrong. So that, yeah, I mean, I generally just answer that factually. It's a slight depends who the stranger is and why they're asking. Yeah, recruit me for something. You know, if I suspect that I'm being recruited by a top-level espionage agency, and they ask me what I do for living, I'll say I'm a spy,

and that instantly roars me out because it's not really something I want to do. Legit. Yep. Oh, this is one question. I think you'll quite like, not least for the very final line of it, given the afternoon today. Yep. Hi, Andy, hi, Chris.

I've been loving the Top Stories Recaps over the last year, reminding me of some of the stories from the past. What I especially liked was the recap of Top Stories for Episode 196, as this was the first bugle I listened to. Why? because Andy reveled in the fabulous Premiership title win for Quinns, of whom I'm also a massive fan.

So my question to Andy is this, which was better the title win in 2012 or the win in 2021 and boy. Cheers Charlie, come on you, Queens and fuck you, Chris. Well, yes. So, Queens, for those unawaresem, the Harlequins Rugby Club, my wife and I had season tickets there for years.

The first year we had season tickets, they got relegated, then they came back up, then they had a bit of an issue with a blood capsule, which we probably talked about on the bugle. That was, I think, 2009, I think, and then built back up and then won the league in 2012 on a very hot day at Twickenham.

I got quite overexcited and emotional with my young children there. So that was, yeah, oh, it's quite hard to do. And then in 2021, that was a COVID-affected season, so there were minimal crowds there. So the final, I think, was played in front of about 10,000 people in an 80,000 capacity, Twickenham Stadium, was a rather different thing. So the 2012 Queen's team was the best team through the season.

They'd built up over years, they'd gone through these ups and downs, and been a core of a team that had played together for almost a decade that had sort of come through, a lot of them as youngsters. And we'd followed that story as season ticket holders. The 2021 team was a bit different in that they would really crap at the start of the season

sack the coach and as I remember it I don't have any inside info but from what I remember they had sort of four coaches took over or promoted to run the team and they basically said to the players sort of play it as you see it and they played this amazing kind of madcap

almost surreal rugby I kept coming back from behind they had two games in a row and they got a winning try in the last minute having had a player sent off and ended up coming back from I think 28 points down in the semi-final at Bristol, then beating Exitou, being the best team for several years, if you exclude the teams that cheated massively, and won a very dramatic final.

So that was an incredible story over sort of six, seven months, ending with me jumping around the living room like an idiot, and the other one was a sort of gradual building narrative over several years. So it was quite hard to put one, over the other. 2012 was an interesting sporting year for you. Yes. Well, yeah, I went to a lot of Olympics.

A hell of a lot of Olympics. Well, we did daily podcast, and we did go in the, yeah, went out to India. Saw England win two test matches in India, which is as many as they won in. Key years either side of it. Yeah, so anyway, you know, that was quite a serious answer to that question.

It was a very serious question. I don't think you really gave one. Right. So which was the better? I don't know, I think I'll have to go with 2012 Although the 23rd round was sort of more exciting And more dramatic But I think the 2012 one was more sustained

Yeah, but it's interesting I know as a Spurs fan It's lucky for Spurs when the year ends in one It used to be Yeah, it used to be You know, I suppose only ever won And clearly Quinn's only ever win in years containing only the numbers 0, 1 and 2

So it's going to be a Well, that might be it then. Oh, no, it's what, 22 to 2102. So it's got to have two twos of one and a nought. So the next Quinn's title will be 21.0. Looking forward to it. Let's get a question from Chris, great name. Hi, team bugle.

With Kirstama resigning, we can now get what we all want. A five-a-side match of all living prime ministers. Which of his potential replacements would offer the best chance for team labour, plus John Major as he's not right wing enough anymore. Thanks and all the best, Chris. Well, thanks Chris. I mean, when you say of his potential replacements for Starma, there's one potential replacement, which is Andy Burnham.

I mean, I would love it. No one else is in the running or even in the walking, I don't think, or even in the lining up on the start line. So it does seem to be that Andy Burnham is going to become Prime Minister. thanks to the curious, curious nature of British democracy. We had a general election almost exactly two years ago now, wasn't it? And we're about to have a prime minister who wasn't even an MP then. But, you know, that's the unique nature of our, maybe not unique,

but the nature of British democracy, that it's pretty much specifically geared not to represent what people want. And therefore it suits our national psyche, I'm sure I've said this before on either our Scandney or the bugle. It suits our national psyche, and it then gives us as a nation, carte blanche to moan our arses off at what the government is doing,

given that we didn't really want that government in the first place, even if they were voted in with a massive majority. It's a glorious system, Chris, and it suits our national psyche down to the ground. In terms of the living prime ministers' five-aside team, 10 prime ministers, assuming Burnham becomes the tent on that list, You've got four Labour, six Tory.

So you basically want Reds versus Blues. That's how Fiveiside works, isn't it? And in terms of which of the six stories, Major Cameron, May, Johnson, Truss and Sunac, Liz Truss has in essence been the best Labour Prime Minister of the last 20 years in terms of benefiting the Labour movement. So let's put Truss on the Labour side. So you've got then Blair, Brown, Stama, Burnham, Truss.

I'd take them to win it. I think Johnson and Cameron, I don't think they get on. There'd be a lot of Johnson would play for himself. Tony Blair, we know, will do absolutely anything to win. So, yeah, I'd take the Reds, even with Truss, who would probably get sent off within seconds for doing something absolutely appalling. But I'd take the road to win that.

Yeah. I cannot believe that in my own lifetime, that there are still 10 living former or current prime ministers. That's given, given Andy, given that when I turned 18, there had been two. Yes. And things have accelerated.

I think I mean I did the stats on the Prime Minister churn and yeah we've sort of switched around from when we were kids Chris and I know you're a little bit younger than me but the Prime Ministers didn't change very often and the England cricket captain changed on an almost monthly basis and now it sort of flicked round the other way in which England cricket captains generally serve a solid four-year term and the Prime Ministers are just in and out

it's basically become a work experience gig I watched a TV show called Legends last night and there was a bit of Margaret Thatcher talking in it, where she's exiting number 10, she says, we've lived here for 11 and a half years. And I just can't even imagine. Will Andy Burnham be there in 11 and a half months?

Well, it's something that's possible. It calls a general election. It could lose it. Who knows? Who knows? I mean, bring on the sooner we get AI, AI politicians, the better. sure, as long as the people programming those politicians have our best interests at heart,

it'll all be fine. Great. Look forward to that. So finally then, Andy, Daniel Field has two questions. First, Andy, I am the American equivalent of a barrister and a long-time fan of the bugle. Next month, I'm marrying the love of my life. As it so happens, she is, much like yourself, an attractive redhead with a pathological love of puns. Would you mind asking your wife if she has any advice for me as I move forward with this Blessed Union? Second, Chris, I can't help but notice that during every one of Andy's intro to top stories. You catch a snippet of Cisco's infamous hold music opus number one. Why is that?

I will explain later. Thank you, Chris. And thank you. And his presumably beleaguered wife. Well, thank you, Daniel. So let's, well, firstly, you know, marrying an attractive redhead with a pathological level of puns. You've got to think, the nature of life,

only one of those two things is going to last for a lifetime. And because, you know, humans don't always stay. as attractive or as brightly coloured of hair. But the pathological love of puns, that is eternal. That is a flame that can never be extinguished.

My own father, who, as I probably mentioned on the bugle before, suffered from dementia towards the end of his life, had lost almost every aspect of his former personality, but he still liked a pun. That was the last, that,

and the ability to recognise rugby players from Grady 1950s YouTube footage. That was pretty much all that was left at the end. So you've got to remember that's what you're marrying.

You're not married in the attractive redhead. That's going to pass with all due respect. Even I am not quite such a hot hunk as I was 20 years ago when we got married. I'm prepared to admit that.

And my luxurious head of flaming red hair, it's not quite as luxurious red or flaming as it once was, which wasn't very luxurious ever. So advice for you from my wife, well I'm not asked her, but I'm just going to assume that she would just say don't do it, just don't do it. But I would say it's good to have a little tension in a long-term relationship.

You know, things that spoil it and make participants a bit angry. After all, you can't spell marriage without mar and rage. But it's also a partnership, isn't it? And as the famous old saying goes, there's no eye in marriage. So you've got to, you've got to, you know. You've got to work through it. I mean, personally, I remember when I got married, I thought, you know, it'd be good to...

Yeah, I'm not a massive tradition. It's better than we get to stick with some wedding tradition. So I turned up to my wedding smear, head to toe, an engine grease in a pantomime mantelope outfit with a freshly kidnapped mole that had to dig out from under the lawn from its underground lair. And I was singing the bare necessities from the jungle book just to fit with the traditional wedding get-up,

something oiled, something cano, something burrowed, something balloon. So that's literally all I have to say on the matter. So Chris, can you explain the Cisco system's whole music question? Well, it's not that. Just for the record, if a lawyer from Cisco is listening to this right now, but I do accept I've listened to both. In fact, I'll play a little clip of both now. Okay.

There is an uncanny resemblance, and this is partly due to Martin Austwick, friend of the show. I mean, I guess technically, your family and yes and and um and martin uh who does amazing work with your sister helen um basically took the bugle theme tune and turned it into a midi version for me and and i have over the years played around with that and done various little remixes grabbing bits for other spin-off shows that we've done i did it for the the cricket show i did it for the last post and and essentially when I strip it out into very simple midi, percussive, echoey drums,

it sounds exactly the same as a Cisco beatching and I don't know why. There we go. Thank you, Martin. Long-term bugler Lewis writes in, hello Lewis. And hi, hi, Andy. Whenever I hear about Sir Mixalot, I think of your joke about how he's now Lord Mixalot after his father sadly passed away,

going back to hereditary peers here. has the removal of the hereditary peer system ruined the gag? All the best, Lewis. Well, Lewis, for a start, you're pronouncing it wrong. It's not mixed a lot. It's Michelot. But a lot of people get that wrong. Yeah, they do.

But the thing is, we still have hereditary peers. So the hereditary peer system hasn't gone. What's changed is that they no longer will sit in the House of Lords, most of them. So they got rid of most of the hereditary peers in the House of Lords about 25 years ago when Tony Blair was Prime Minister, and they've just recently announced that the rest of them are going to go, apart from some of them that are going to be allowed to stay if they have particular levels of expertise, which is sort of, you know, if we're going to have a second chamber that's unelected, at least get people in who know something about something.

But they're still hereditary peers. So we can still be, you know, lord of Snutterbridge. You just won't be able to be, be dictated. dictating the future of the country from within Parliament based on the fact of your great, great, great, great grandfather once fought alongside King George I first at the Battle of wherever. So I don't know if George the first ever fought in a battle. I can't remember one of the George's...

I'd say yes. ...was the last king to lead the troops into battle, last British king. So the point is that Lord... So Mixelot is still Lord Mixalot, and, you know, his, his progeny will inherit that title. Because we are, you know, we, we are gradually weaning ourselves off medieval feudalism. We can't get rid of it all at once, Chris. We've got to keep that's what makes us what we are, that innate desire to bow down before more powerful people based on hereditary privilege. So we don't want to get rid of it all at once.

We don't want to get rid of it at all at all. Exhibit 1 are banknotes and coins and the face of the people on them. So luckily, if you're a Lord Makes a Lot fan, he is still a Lord. And the famous sign, I like big butts and I cannot lie, is I guess a reference to an agricultural term,

the water butter that he keeps on is big country pile. Yeah, yeah. Just outside. Snutterbridge, was it? Snutterbridge, I think, yeah. Final question, Andy, from Gracie. Gracie says, I'm new to the bugle, having only started listening a couple of months ago,

and I'm shocked that the show wasn't on my radar sooner. To be fair, I was only three years old in 2007. So even if I'd wanted to tune in from the start, I would have had to wait until my adult bullshitometer had grown in and I'd received the panoculations required, very good, for travel to bugle town. In order to appreciate the full canon of the bugle, I went back to the beginning,

and so far I'm up to January 2017, meaning I've consumed over 300 episodes in five weeks, and my blood bullshit level is well above legal limits. Oh, dear. I ask Andy, what advice can you offer for reintegrating into society once I've emerged from the bugle archives? Wow. Wow.

So that's, I'm just working that out in 300 episodes in five weeks. So I'm reckon we take about 35 minutes an episode. Obviously you might be playing it on more than that's 35 hours a week. Wow. Full-time job. Welcome, Gracie. Welcome to the beautiful universe. and apologies for everything that we've put you through over the last five weeks.

In terms of your advice for reintegrating in society, A, don't, what was the point? B, talk only in puns, but never acknowledge that you've intentionally made the pun. Yeah, we'll get some good conversations out of that. C, remember, a lie is just a fact that hasn't happened yet. D, you can gradually wean yourself back onto conventional news. You can't dive straight back into 100% factuativeness. Luckily, there are many, many news sources available around the world that offer a gradual reintroduction by being absolutely full of shit,

almost completely full of shit and largely full of shit. So you can work your way back towards the only 50% bullshit level that is A, recommended, B, the most any human can take and C, the most any news organization has achieved this millennium. So there are ways back in gradually, but welcome, 35 hours of bugle a week. Yeah, I think that is definitely medically not recommended. It's dangerous.

I mean, it's terrifying, really. Andy, consider yourself asked. Well, there you have it. Consider yourself informed. Now, if you enjoyed that, please do become a bugle subscriber where you can get access to not just Ask Andy every month, but we have all kinds of other great perks,

especially for people who enter our premium tier and get exclusive merch. Did some people get a Bugle Jigsaw last year? I think they did. So, get an Ask Andy every month, submit your question, and next time it could be you facing the big dog, himself. Oh, and did I say, as well as getting the bugle completely ad-free, like God

intended, and we know there's a God, because Alice Fraser has explored such things in Realms Unknown, our sci-fi and fantasy podcast. Oh, you get that ad-free too, and the gargle, add-free too. So please, explore, enjoy, and we'll talk soon.