The Bugle - Anachronistic Cosplay Fetishism

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

What happened at the Coronation of Chuck III? The Bugle reveals all. Plus, giant penis drawing and dead whale on beach. All perfectly regular things. Andy is with Ria Lina and Ian Smith.Why not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanRia LinaIan SmithProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Recorded in the shed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers and welcome to issue 4262 of the Bughal, the official podcast of the British monarchy ever since the Jesus Christ anointed Solomon King of all conceivable Britons at the Battle of Trafalgazin Corps after jousting the Armada of the Park at Wembley in 1966.

I am Andy Zoltzmanides as we record Monday the 8th of May 2023, we are approximately 48 hours into the official coronated Kingdomarium of Charles III, or as many billion social media followers of course now at Chuck E. Triple Dog. And we are recording in the shed, which is first tuned with Union Jack Bunting, but the invisible type, the bunting that lives and quite literally breeds in the hearts of all true subjects in our sectarian wobbly jails, superhero lord and mega master. And I'm joined in person for this week's special Bicking Bugal by Ian Smith and Rialina. Welcome to the shed, both of you. Yeah, thank you.

It's a pleasure to be here and honor if anything. Yeah. To be exactly how I picked your shed. Cricut paraphernalia. Yes, there's a lot of, there's a lot of Cricut paraphernalia everywhere. I did actually bring you a present because of, you know, where we're at. And I was so worried. I was like, people have this. Someone will have found this and bought it for him, but I did find it in Holland. So I figured this, less of a chance. And it is the strangest cricket quiz book.

Oh, right. Well, that sounds like it's gonna keep me and my family hugely entertained for the rest of the year. Yes, I figured this. Well, maybe we can do a cricket quiz later in the second episode of The View. I was hoping you would say that. I would love to see how much of this you know, because I'll be on a sci-fi through it, and then it's Greek to me.

Genuinely Greek to me. The strangest cricket quiz. Yeah, the strangest cricket. Well, that's the Dutch-Luxury. It would be strange if you had a lot of questions, which is not about cricket. Still don't know the answers. Well, thank you very much. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. No I'll keep I'm going to ask you questions and then you can have a question. Alright, it's quite, have you brought me a gift? Well, um, do you like apples? I've got apples. Right. It's not as good as a quiz book, is it? Yeah. Um, a 2023 Malskin diary. Right, but it's got a lot of my gigs in. No, I don't have a lot in my diary, so I'm going to be quite honest. Yeah, you can have all my gigs. I can't believe you didn't bring it gift here. Yeah, um, terrible photo. You've got a small house, you bring it gift.

It's just, well, I don't really get invited to people's houses a lot. Because you never bring gifts. Yeah, yeah. That reputation does get, that gets around a lot. Yeah. Also on this, currently, you know, the coronation weekend, and this is, because it because it's a national holiday, to just, I don't know, to soak up the echoes of feudalism.

Well, the king got loads of gifts, doesn't he? Even though he already has everything. And yet, you've not brought me a **** to mind. Yeah, no, it's a very good point. But when I do the news quiz, I'll bring in two. All right, okay. Because people say that the radio theater is your second home. All right, do they? Yeah, I've heard. Okay, that might be because the recording's gone so long that generally I'm sort of asleep

on stage by the end. It explains the world in slippers. Oh anyway we are recording as I said in the head Chris is also here in person for Hello Chris. God save the Queen everybody. Get Queen. Queen. Queen got her. Queen. Oh off with his head. Queen. Queen. Queen. The truth turn from on it. I'm sticking with the Queen. Yeah. That's something. Was it the two of them together. Is that gonna be their their name their pairing? You know their couple name the Queen we reported on this in last week's bugle they will they're being fused into a single It's

Mono Monarch to be referred as their their majesty. I think so that's very exciting Your majesty the Queen yeah, it's a I get behind that's very exciting. Yeah, Majesty the Queen. Yeah, it's a... I can give behind that. Yeah. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. And this week after the controversial demand stroke request that everyone in the universe paid an oath to King Charles. We at the Bugle of Develops an interactive oath to allow you to pay the right level of groveling subservience according to your specific desire.

So you can just delete and either use the true words that the King demanded or alternatives that we are providing for you. So just delete, as applicable, I swear that I will pay true allegiance, stroke, 20 quidding cash, stroke, no fucking attention whatsoever. To your majesty, stroke, the woman from the Peloton Adverts, stroke, our true King Donald J. Trump. And to your ears and successes, stroke, whoever else wants me to, I'm really not that f**king fast. Stroke. My local balls team, come on you jackals. According to law, stroke, banana rama, stroke, tinder.

So help me, God, stroke, mummy, stroke, escape. That's interactive, choose your own oath. Is our section in the bin this week? Top story this week? Well, only one place to start in the world, and that is with the victory of the bookies favorite King Charles III. He won the crown following in his mummy's footsteps after a really sing-off all competition in a spectacular display of becoming king on Saturday in Westminster Abbey. I know neither of you was actually invited

to participate, were you in the... No, not in the Abbey itself. I wasn't invited to go in, but I was invited to kind of walk around with the masses, with or without a yellow placard, going in or outside of the metal iron ring that went around it, with or without a rain mac. Right, I mean that's really what 21st century Britain is all about, I think.

It is, you know, it's choice, right? Choice. Ian, how did you celebrate the the break because you're of course you weren't born in 1953 without breaking confidence on your age so yeah you don't obviously don't remember the the previous coronation no no but I'm almost certainly going to see another one right and that's my hope is that I at least say one more coronation. But I was supposed to be... Well that's dark though, isn't it? No, what? I hope he dies. In my lifetime? How old is he? He should be four. No, I hear that.

He's pretty dark, isn't it? No, I think you could look at 74-year-old in the face and say, I want to outlive you. No, I just say that. I mean, I was just saying, you know, I mean, you could assume you'd lived in a next one, but to hope you'd lived to the next one is, yeah. I think I should. I hope he goes and as a wife. Yeah, people do say, may the King live forever. Yeah. So, if he lives forever, it's one of the songs, isn't it?

Yeah. Fair play, I guess, you know, beaten by better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Better, more eternal yeah yeah if someone's a mortal I don't mind them out living thing is you'll never know if someone's immortal if you yourself are immortal hmm car that's car we've got very philosophical very early on yeah I'm saying like I could be a mortal to the queen she'll never know right, but she must have thought she was immortal.

I think up until the point that Philip went. Right. I think she looked into the eyes of Liz Truss and realized she's not the awful horseman in the apocalypse. Rolled into one terrible public speaker. Do you think Liz Truss was the devil coming back to claim her soul? I think the devil would be more competent than Liz Truss. I think I don't think I don't think she has the level of admin required to- I think she's more efficient than the devil. Yeah, because it took her less than 40 days to wreak absolute havoc. No, I guess yeah, I didn't really thought of that from that perspective. Obviously it was a

ridiculously over-the-top ceremony. It showed Britain and its best and by best I mean silliest and by silliest I mean best. It's really all we've been gotten in. I mean so you like about the UK in the 2020s but we still do an agronistic cosplay fetishism better than any fucking nation on earth and I think that's gonna be the last thing that we ever lose. I have to say the dress up was superb. It was absolutely brilliant dress up, but speaking as a as a taxpayer, I did feel that the coronation is a whole which we paid 100 million for. 100 million we pay. Yes, yes, for our overseas listeners, we're each on a payment plan.

I'm really stupid. After that. Well, you know, I'm a bit annoyed by it because I'm like I'm I like to forward plan. I like to be financially responsible. am I the only one going I'm also saving for the funeral so You know, there's just no there's just no thought to it. We should have two payment plans Shouldn't we if anything but I did feel it was a little bit like remember when Apple put a YouTube album on all of our Fums I did feel like the coronation was a little bit like that Yeah, that they've just sort of plunked the coronation into my finances without really asking me. I think I was one of the few people

when that happened. I thought that was quite nice. I didn't listen to it, I like it, but I thought, that's how they're generous. All right. Well, that's also in the way a lot of people look at the monarchy here, so they don't pay any attention to it,

but just nice to know. But how do you understand this? It's there, if we want to have the option of feeling that we have a superior feudal overlord, then it's always there to dip into. Yeah. Well, what were the highlights for you of the actual ceremony?

What bits really grabbed you? Well, I didn't watch, I would say I didn't watch any of it, but but then I remembered that I had to sort of have an obligation of topicals, humour sometimes, so they know, would like watch bits and the Daily Mail website is very good for like hundreds of articles in my minute detail. So there's one thing I was looking at this about Prince George. I hate how subservient they are to like a nine-year-old. But they described him as thriving in the most important role of his life. And from what I gained from the bits that I saw,

is he was carrying the cape as it was walk down so he's just like lifting up thriving feels like him let them go and he's nailed Pick picking a finger and not even dropping it or losing focus or concentration So you have to remember he's air to the throne. That's probably the only thing he's ever picked up for himself in his life Yeah, I think there was a real skill there. I thought it was really interesting that it was Prince George was the only grandson of the king as a page boy and the other five were all Camilla's grandkids. I was like, it's a parker bull's takeover. You know, like in 200 years the parker bulls are going to be on the throne.

You know me where they're all older and bigger than him as well. So he was there going, I'm taking part and I'm like, you going down boy. You're going going down. They're coming to get you. You're going to get medieval on them. Just like the old days. I don't know if this is a nice thing to say about a night. I'm prepping for eating. But I think he looks smug as fuck. Sometimes there's a little picture of it and he looks like he's like, like he knows he's

going to be king. I'm sure about a story of once about him saying something at school where someone had said something to him and he was like, you know, well, I'm going to be king. Ah, really? I hate that attitude. But I don't know why it's not healthy for me to dislike a nine-year-old. Well, I guess to be fair to him, that's accurate. Whereas when you know that the child Boris Johnson said he wanted to be king of the world, that that should have raised Yeah, yeah, run some serious

Yeah, to be certain he knows his lineage Yeah, and also, you know, he was born magic, he was born instantly appointed prince because, you know, you really got all you have You know, he just he's poked out the womb Bang, they tested him, they did one eyes like skin prick tests Uh-huh 100% prince Was it, came up blue, one of those skin-break tests, 100% prints. Was it? Came out blue, didn't it?

Yeah, absolutely. You can't, I mean, you've got a medical background, really? You can't fake that kind of thing, can you? No, not at all. You know, they do it in the heel as well. I have to say, is it wrong as well? I totally agree with you. You should never begrudge a child, especially a nine-year-old.

And he is just a child. But at the same time, when he came out of boy, after we did all of that chat about changing, you know, changing the law about whether or not a girl could inherit. And then he came out of boy and we went, all that for nothing. So I'm open to him, identifying however he wishes to identify as he grows older. Because I think there's room for it. I think we're open to it. I'm excited to see what happens.

Queen. Yes. He'll be queen all by himself. They're majesty. Of course, Charles, you know, wasn't the foregone conclusion, but what everyone says, he did have to pass the final tests in the couple of days before the coronation on Friday. He completed a circuit of the Silverstone motor racing circuit now in his gold horse drawn carriage. An average speed of 176 miles an hour, that was well over 150 mile an hour average needed to prove yourself monoclevel King quality.

And then he completed a 147 maximum brake behind closed doors at the Cruiserable Theatre in Sheffield using a set-trigger as a snooker cue. And the Royal Orb is the cue ball. So we do know we are getting a proper authentic King. Also, I mean, there was a lot of talk about how, you know, this was, you know, yes, there was tradition, but also it was it was paired back from the more lavish ceremonies, it's much more modern. And you might have thought watching it, well, if this is paired back and modern, then

I'm surprised that the 1953 coronation ever ended. But I mean, it was, it was, it was hugely, it was, we skipped. What bits did we skip and what was more modern about it? No one built a hinge during the service. So that's, that's, that's quite modern. The crown was put on by a drone. Yeah. You just sort of, you can hear that. And it's like, I'm getting that on. Yeah. I, I suspected Camilla wasn't actually there. I thought it was a bot. It's quite possible. Because she looked a little confused and she, and then it didn't fit and you just go,

you think they would have thought of this sooner? I think it is. Yeah, it's a projection, I think, because I remember Katy Perry walked through her at one point. Right, looking for her seat. She couldn't find where she was sitting. And in fact, when I went behind a screen he was officially Bekinged with that there was a some kind of special oil that I think was Was the oil from it was taken from I think the car that Nigel Manson won the Formula One World Championship in back in the 90s And But it was the artificial country was replaced by an automated multi-faith robot priest

But it was the artificial cancer he was replaced by an automated multi-faith robot priest that sacrificed 300 children behind that screen in under 10 seconds. That's the kind of efficiency you get from modern technology. Are you serious? They put a screen up and instead of replacing the king, they replaced the Archbishop. I mean, they missed it trick there, didn't they? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa They... They... They... They... There were some protests, 64 unarmed anti-monarchy protesters were arrested, which was a bit hypocritical, I thought, because the king was allowed to wander around quite openly with a sword, and no one kicked up a fuss, and there were loads of cannons fired up and met police twitching in eyebrows. Penny Morton has sword for most of it, no one twitched in eyebrow, and if you saw her

leadership campaign, I wouldn't give that woman a weapon. She was voted Britain's sexiest MP at one point. During the service. Are you serious? Yeah, I know like a description of Penny Mon, everything about her description sounds mad. The leader of the House of Commons and Lord President of the Council carried the sword of state presenting the Jules sword of offering to King Charles. She has risen from featuring on ITV's

diving show Splash, being written sexist MP and serving as a wrong Navy reservist. And yeah, now she's, what, I don't know, I guess she's just an MP now. No, she's the Lord privy thingy, all the stuff he read. Oh, yeah. She's had a head of that stuff. Well, we're fair enough to it, but yeah, it's amazing that you can go from ITV's splash to whatever she's doing now. Gives hope to Darryl Hanna, doesn't it, for future career.

Who's he? She. She. She was in Disney's splash. This episode is not going well for me. I didn't bring a gift. I mischended a Darryl. If any more is a Cabinet Minister, she's minister for holding up a sword while failing to invest in public services. Oh boom! But also, I mean I did think I did feel a bit sorry for Charles at that point because

to have a member of parliament hoving over his shoulder with a shop and blade, that's got to be triggering for a King Charles. Give him what happened just a couple of hundred yards away, up whitehall, to 50% of all the previous King Charles'es. So, I thought it was 100%. Well, no, there was a Charles II who wasn't. Was he a shop? Was he not? No, no. Only the first. Only the first. No, no, only 50 percent.

What happened to the second one? Well, I think he just had to respect a spectacular number of mistresses and then died. Yeah, oh, did it just live the life? Yeah. The party king. Yeah, he was. In fact, some of the opulence of the coronation is specifically

because Charles II. So they melted down one of the crowns and then he was like, build May 1, that's bigger and better. And so the crown is because Charles II needs to be bling. Yeah, he loved this. He loved this bling. And he was given mumboa as a wedding present. And so I think he might have reported on the bugle. Gosh, that really puts Kamilus He loved his he loved his bling and he was given he was given Mumbai as a wedding present and I think he might have reported on the bugle gosh that really puts Camilla's gift There There was also very large pro monarchy demonstration and hundreds of fervent Pro monarchy altruists were kettled by the police directly into Westminster Abbey, so they were processed on on both sides now

Oh, I yeah, I heard about that one. I think Prince Harry accidentally got swept up into that and Didn't tell you he meant to be outside So I came to the you know, I don't know his role in the nation now because we like to tag on monarchs with it with a nickname in this country We're at Ethelreddy on Unready, William Maconcora, Bloody Mary, who was a 16th century grumps for us, who liked a tipple while burning a heretic. We had the 13th century war fanat with the first known as Edward Longshanks, that was the earliest version of rhyming slang that has been historically duck-a-tick. And of course, recently, Charles III's predisposite

Elizabeth the unremittingly politically neutral. But then of course we've had others ed with the embarrassingly Nazi-ish in the 1930s briefly, Victoria the cant that go over X, Charles the no-headed, I just mentioned, and Henry the horny. So I don't know, to this maybe given that he looks so grumpy during the coronation, I think we're gonna chose the slightly hacked off by minor inconveniences

We'll be how he's there is something like I sort of understandable to anyone who's been to like any event or like weddings and stuff That it's supposed to be like the happiest day like but stuff happens as it retains But there's something so unlikable about seeing someone in a gold carriage being in a bit of a grump, because maybe someone hasn't come quite in time, he's like, no, someone hasn't opened their door, my gold carriage quick enough, and you're like, what the fuck, cheer up,

what the fuck's there? But he was lip-read, apparently saying, we can never be on time complaining that it was running. I mean, to be fair. He was unhappy with it not being on time. The card, yeah. I mean, there were no ubers available because of very busy day. The black cabs are too expensive even for the royal family. So we ended up having to to get an imitation gold card and the wobblers

way. Yeah. The one that took him back didn't even have air conditioning. How outrageous. It is. Yeah. The suspension was shot. I mean, it was it was a bumpy ride. There was one point during the service when he put on a single white glove and it was lip-red saying which prick forgot to pack the other glove, why don't you have one f***ing glove. And it was kind of shades of Mexico 1968 in the Olympics with the one glove, those two athletes on the whole day was very much a white power protest. Do you think if the royals didn't exist, would liporied as a body language experts have any word? That seems to be all they do. And it's all that stuff like body language expert says, like man with folded arms and frowning was not happy.

Yeah, well I think I could be a body language expert really easily. It's kind of they seem relaxed. The man waving his finger in someone's face is angry. Yeah, I just think it's a bullshit job for idiots if you're listening. Can you tell how much of you're without seeing me? Yeah, I don't think so, listen to podcast. Yeah, and they don't give you the juicy stuff as well. You want them to watch it and tell me you tell you when someone's farting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want them to then go, that wasn't a dresser just. Yeah, the tilt that you think is covering it up. Yeah, but my house would you just tilt on your side slightly like? Underwear is gonna be bomb. I suppose so yeah But you should know there'd be some like official Night of the realm who a job it was to un-pick the underwear from the Royal Buck cheeks On the occasion I don't have Claire Baldwin of the rail moose, a job it was to unpick the underwear from the royal butt cheeks on the occasion. I don't have a club all in one. I think they cover that when they put the screen. Oh yeah, that's what the screen rounds. So the Charles needs, like this is the time

to pee, poo, fart, whatever you need to do, do it now. Before we oil you up. He was also liprate saying various other things, including this hat Hertz. Am I still allowed to choose one person from the congregation to hunt and shoot with Henry VIII's crossbow or has that been woked off as well? And he also said, f***ing hell, it's flow, f***ing Benjamin off, 1980's kid's telly. Awesome. I was a bit disappointed though and I'm sure both of you as stand-up comedians would have been disappointed by this as well, that he needed prompt cards for the whole thing, even bits where all he had to say was basically yes, but he read yes off of a card. I mean, this was, I'm not, he said, I mean, because it's not

like doing, like an Edinburgh show, I mean, just suddenly started to work on it two weeks previously, if I may delvevin's mind personal experience. Is that 70 fucking years to learn the script for this? Which hasn't really changed since his mummy did it back in 53. And yeah, he still needed these cards. Right on the back of your fucking hand. Well, I mean, I have to say the one thing that really struck me

was the fact that we're supposedly, this is a ceremony that marries the head of the church to the state. So he becomes the head of the church to the state. So he becomes the head of the church and the head of the state. Why aren't you running this show? Why is everyone else knowing what they're doing and you're sitting there going and what's next? I'm just going, wow, we're not, you know, this does not look good to the rest of the world. Okay. Biden still does his own speeches, you know, And he's older than... he's older than... time.

Yeah. Time, yes? He does sometimes say the wrong country. For any speeches, I think it's declared war with subbing and all that. Yeah. One thing I was watching the coronation concert thing, and as a comedian, William did a speech,

and this is the Jorkey did. He said it did the speech and went unlike like Lionel Richie I won't go on all night long and then got the biggest laugh of just like everyone clearly thinking whoa we have to laugh while we get murdered here but just people are like bowling over slapping their thighs. It just made me so angry. I did a gig last night and there was a Hindu in and I said, is this a Hindu? And one of the women on the Hindu went, more like a hen, don't. And it got a huge laugh. And I wanted to walk off stage immediately, because that's what you want.

I can't offer you that sort of level. But only he's the only way he could have been upstaged comedically from a joke like that would be with a cat getting scared by a cucumber. That's the only possible thing that could be funny. That's good watch. Yeah. Would you take a five minute set

following Katie Perry at the Carnation? If it come through and you're off of it? Well, kicks are kick, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, it would be, it's a huge kick, but I imagine the feedback online would be terrible. Yeah. But I don't know what you do with it. I mean, because I can't remember what any must stand up is to be honest

I've never joke about the invisible hand and that's about all I can remember That would go down great because you could tie it to the one glove That the one glove and also I think topical I think I was print handry's defense and the case was that his hand was invisible or something Wasn't it? Well, that's how we go away with it. You know You know actually saying that because there were 20,000 people there even though they say do a five minutes set I think it's really worth one joke The laughter rolls all the way back hits the king and comes all the way forward again

You're just a crowd work and you know, I suppose it yeah Do you know what would have been great because I don't know when when did did Williams speech happen before after Katy Perry because what would have been great is if you went on before William and said Hey, don't worry. I'm not gonna go on all night long and do his joke before him. Just to see him, to see Prince William do five minutes of improv. Just asking the audience for suggestions. What's your name? What do you do? Part of the controversy, they had to play the national anthem.

And after the invocation to save, for God to save our gracious king, the king, according to the tradition, did dive headfirst from the highest tower in the castle towards the Royal Crocodile Pit and God did send an angel in a train boat, wingsuit to swoop down, catch the monarch before he could be be chomped by the waiting reptiles and gently place him atop the adoring crowd whereby with from he could symbolically crowd surf back to the castle looking at once supported by an existing above his loving throng. That's direct from the BBC commentary transcripts. That was modern bit. Yeah, I think it was. The sent-in victorious bit. Now apparently god listens, it's got a bit preemptive and thought there was still another word to come. And within five seconds a delivery rider rang the doorbell at

Windsor Castle, the package of 36,525 pairs of high grade underpants from Langerie Munga, Victoria's secret, one for each day, the first 100 years of his hopefully eternal reign. Then happy and glorious, happy. Well, I mean, he had a pretty grumpy face on during the hat fitting on Saturday. So let's hope he'd cheer up by Sunday and and happy and glorious. That was misheard. And in some of the selection of leading people called Gloria were ushered into the King's secret Kinging Chamber at Windsor Castle. They aim to do it as he so choose choose chose, including the singer Esther Fanann, the radio and TV presenter

Honeyford, the former World Number 45 ranked tennis player Gloria Pizzakini, and America's former World Number 1 ranked feminist Gloria Steinem, negotiations for the gradual release of the glories continue as we record today. Do you think Prince William is going to have a whole room full of pegies? Sorry. The, it was much talk of the the regalia war and all these extraordinary clothes, so we don't see there's the robe of righteousness. Did you, which I think they knit from a hotel? No, I was like, I'm which you're not supposed to do. Oh, don't, you don't want to put a, you know,

you would be light on that. Yeah. Nothing from a hotel is clean. The jock strap of justice, of course, the crotchless wife runs of compassion, they sort of can't figure out. The gimp mask of grace and majesty, and of course, the strap on of serenity,

that goes back two Charles II, I believe. There was the bracelet of sincerity and wisdom at one point I really yeah Which I thought was the least British object in the world that sincerity has never been a national strong point and Wisdom has taken an absolute Battering in this country in recent years. We've done away with experts with science funding We under fund education the closest we get to wisdom is a keep calm and carry on detail. So this to me was the most unpatriotic thing that King could have been asked to put on.

The bangle of snark and apathy I think would have been more appropriate for this. The sarcasm bracelet. But was it, I think Camilla was wearing the necklace of passive aggression. Right. I think that's very brilliant. Yeah. There was the rod of Equity and Mercy. Oh no.

Yes, we all give up Penis' nicknames. So yes, there was a Rod, the Rod of Equity and Mercy. So now, if you are wondering where the concepts of Equity and Mercy have gone in British politics politics because they don't really appear in government policy. It turns out they're stuck inside a f***ing rod and that rod is kept under lock and key except on special royal occasions. There was one extraordinary, very misreported story about an incident in Bath in the historic Royal Crescent area of Bath in which a couple of days before the coronation so-called pranksters were alleged to have monashaped into the usually primly print lawn

that might be possibly interpreted as a large, how to put this delicately on a family show, gentlemen's plunkster and plumbles. I mean I don't know, I mean just two days before the coronation, I mean this seems, also thanks to all the bugle listeners who alerted us to this story via social media and when I say all, I think I mean everyone who listens to the show center this story via social media. And when I say all, I think I mean, everyone who listens to the show center, some kind of social media link, the story in case we'd missed it.

So thank you to all of you. I don't know what you thought of this, because I have an alternative explanation for that. What did you, do you think this was an appropriate thing to do to, to honor Britain's foremost lawns? And just look at someone's done the rod of equity and mercy. With a couple of bangles of jai. Because I mean people said this was inappropriate and crude but I've actually looked into the

remarkably anatomically inaccurate isn't it? Well but there is a reason for that, and that's because it wasn't supposed to be anatomically inaccurate, isn't it? Well, but there is a reason for that, Rhea. And that's because it wasn't supposed to be anatomically accurate. It was, in fact, a tribute to the royal family steeped in history. Now, let me explain what was actually moaned into the grass as tribute on inner meat and the coronation.

There were the two rounded circular shapes at the bottom of the figure, at the end of two longer parallel lines, ending with a line across between those two parallel lines, then a semi-circle with a small additional line at its tip. Now, the rounded circular shapes, of course, represent two different things. The first on the left represents a small round Scottish lake wherein King James VI of Scotland bathed and slaked his royal first before journeying south in 1603 after the death of Elizabeth I to unify the crowns of England and Scotland. The Scottish word for small is of course bowl and lake is is lock and that gave the body of its water, it's commonly applied name of Bollock. The other round circle of course represents the church in the form of the synod meeting

space of the Cathedral and the ancient royal market city of Gould and Yorkshire, where I believe you yourself are from. The priest in Gould of course always met in a circular formation to promote the quality under God's eye and in the open air so they might have a more direct line of communication with God above. The Synod was thus placed in a meadow outside the famous Cathedral of Gould, a meadow or Lee to give it its ancient term and is thus represented in the image as the Gould Lee. The long shaft light part of the mone-shape inath recrates the outline of the so-called map of the heart,

a sacred tapestry tapestrized by some lony face of Winchester, the 12th century Norman clergyman Archbishop who created a long rectangular diagram illustrating the relationship between the love of God for all humanity, humanity's reciprocal love of God, and the love of the church for the King, and the love of the King for his King and the love of the King for his people The map of the hearts and courtly French of course known as the plan to curb or plan In some of the circular semicircle at the head of the plan Her represents the ancient round table of King Edward the confessors courtly parliament Which was split in two sections for the different roles of the state at the time. One half was for planning things to be done in the land, the Agend, from the Latin Gerund Agenda he slammed his sword down when demanding further funding for his crusade, a chivalrous act known as

the Hull, that's the same etymology as the Huller, two arms, and the Mone, made by Richard, thus became known as the Dick Hull. So Lord Adonman in Bath was, in fact, not some people being incredibly juvenile, but was a moving historical tribute to our role heritage. One of the best educational digger hooks. I remember that was marvelous. Oh I was gonna counter with or that was just literally where they were gonna put the table for the garden party and the wrong pay is for the adults and the two small round ones is for the kids. Right, it's quite possible. To find the article again I googled Swindon penis

To find the article again, I googled Swindon penis. The first result that comes up is that article. And the second result is for an official Ferrari dealer in Swindon called Dick Love It. So even just the word, penis, I've gone, well, that is close to Dick, but also Dick Love It. It's a fantastic name for a Ferrari dealer. Sounds like a sitcom character. Dic love it's Ferrari dealership. The Bugles in house David Attenborough. Oh good.

You know, you report on all things from the natural kingdom. Yeah. For us, and now you've been out for several months now in the undergrowth. Yeah. The world looking for it. Yeah. Well, since my last appearance on the bugle I found three stories about animals. Right. You think there'd be more in the news about animals. But this is something from the north that I saw Which there's a bleakness to the headline which I think sums up the north a dead whale had to be removed from Brittleington Beach after it became a tourist attraction So desperate we are in the UK for entertainment. Yeah, even people aren't going to Brittleington

for just in and of itself, I've gone, I was a lovely beach, there's an ice cream but then there've been told there's a rotting car because I'm a beach. And yeah, it's apparently become a tourist attraction which makes it sound like a gift shops been set up and there's key rings, it's sort of funny novel it's a shirt, I'm with the dead whale carcass and a barrel pointing to the side,

beluga I don't even know her, and just like that, a lot of fun t-shirts. But yeah like insecurity staff around it because apparently criminal gangs and thieves will target whale carcasses for the illegal trade of their bones Which just makes me think it's mad that like even up north and plus at Brittleinton You've got a criminal gang who I imagine largely deals in like drugs You've got a criminal gang who I imagine largely deals in drugs, but also has a whale jawbone contact. If they're like, we've got our block who brings the cook in through the ships.

I know a block who if we remove the jawbone and clean it, it'll sell it to a local museum or something. I don't know how it would be a contact in the criminal that they, when they're doing the little plan of being like, yeah, Terry, there's a whale car, because he's in Berlin and they get over there. I couldn't maintain that accent for long, but it's not enough. But they took four, didn't they, from a pod elsewhere? I did they. Yeah, that's why they were worried about it.

There was a part of Wales that washed up some rouse and overnight all four of their jaws had gone. Because it was just, you know, like it was a complete set, which must be even rarer. Yeah, a set of four, well, you know, like you said, it cost you a bit. Right. Yeah, see if they're on there. Nothing worse than when you have like one, and then you have two, and then they don't match match Yeah, yeah, you're doing it for don't you do want the matching? I mean definitely for I was intrigued and and you can share maybe some local insight Mm-hmm. So this is not too far away from where where you grew up as it a local man said you don't expect to see anything like it especially especially in Brighlington

But but the fact is Bridlington is by the sea. So, especially in Bridlington, you'd probably expect it in Bridlington more than, for example, in Tash Kent, the capital city, the landluck Republic of Uzbekistan, or the village of Allen, South Dakota, the furthest inhabited place from the ocean in all of North America. Yeah, yeah, yeah, even like Dungcaster and Bradford, yeah, and they don't have a coastline. Yeah. Or that one in Bath where that weird shape had been carved out. Yeah.

What if that was literally put the whale here? Yes. Well, I think it was about the shape and dimensions of the whales. Um, gently, gently a bit. Yeah, maybe someone had started drawing this sort of chalk outline around the body. And then... And then... ...stied for whale pudding.

I love the air. And then someone stole the whale. It moved it to Brindlington. All right, now it just looks like someone's cocks fall off. They said, well they know that you've got to remove the whale carcass because, and maybe this isn't as funny as I find it, but the whale's body when it's decomposing does it in the very show offy way of just exploding. They just sort of expand like a dying star and then just burst all of everyone.

Just feels like a really fun way to die Like if I'd like that to be a person. Yeah, that's how I go Then if you don't if you don't bury me or cremate me within a week, I'm exploding It does tend to happen with decomposition Generally so so when a when a body goes missing in water and you can't find it Eventually if it less it's you know been tied down by something It will eventually fill with those decomposing gases and then eventually float to the surface Which is why you have to weigh down when people have seabaryls you have to weigh them down properly And what happens on the island of why I did a stint with the forensic department and a hampshire

I think they did a stint with the forensic department in Hampshire. Sounds like you did a stint with a criminal gang. Or that. But so when I was working in forensics, I was down on the other white and they have a lot of sea burials between port smith and the eye of white and they have problems with their people who do it properly and then you've got the sort of those rogue, those rogue undertakers. So you get rogue undertakers who won't do the seabary or properly and won't

weigh them down properly and the problem is they end up washing up on the shore of the other white. So the other white will often get a call and just go, there's a body on the beach and they have to go down. And of course it's hands and it's feet are bound and it's possibly wrapped in something and then they have to investigate. So it's a proper burial or is this a mob hit? Kind of surprises me because they've taken the whale away, haven't they, to do a post-mortem, to see how a wire died? Yeah.

And it's like, well, I think it's obvious, right? How it died? Well, we don't know that. I mean, that's the start of a detective story, isn't it? It always seems obvious what happened. And then gradually you piece it together. They don't live on the beach. So you stick a whale on a beach, it's gonna die.

Who stuck the whale on the beach? What was the whale doing near Bridlington? I mean that's an unlikely place for a whale to live. You'd think it would go to Scarborough or the more historic city of Whitby. But why Bridlington? Because it's an ocean adolescent mate. You should do what they did in Hartley pool ages ago and we should have hung the whale. Yeah, and that's a logistical issue, doesn't it? Yes, but whale hangers doesn't have the same ring to it. Yeah, and where'd you hang a whale? Yeah, well if any of you listening know how

how to hang a whale, of course, I mean, you talk about the whale, exploding, the correct way to deal with a beach whale, of course, as according to history, is to blow it up with 20 cases or half a ton of dynamite in the traditional manner as attempted by a world disposal experts in Oregon in 1970 in the greatest single video on the internet which I think I got when we first talked about the exploding well on the field as an internet phenomenon I showed the exploding well video to my son for the first time a couple of days ago and I could see the light in his eyes just just just conversing to life thing. Oh there's a world in which there's a

1970 news report about an exploding world that is the funniest thing ever. I've just googled it and they've remastered the video. Well it was its 50th anniversary in 2020 wasn't it? Apparently. What a world we live in. Oh my gosh! Don't put, don't put, they could have put. It's raining blubber. It's raining blubber.

You see I mean we work in the creative arts and no matter what we do we could you know spend our years trying to perfect our craft and share insights into the nature of the human condition. We will never do anything as good as the exploding wild. Right that brings us to the end of this week's special coronation memorial bugle Ian and Re rear thanks very much for joining me and he shows the plug before you go I'm going on tour this year so if you're in the UK please do check out my website and check out for dates there of realena.com I'd love to see you there and don't go on my website it's shit and I haven't updated it but I'm doing the Edinburgh fringe I'm doing a show called crushing at 135 pm and yeah I think there's a story about going to Slovakia with my hairdresser

to drive over a car of a tank so yeah come along see if I've made that funny. What more could you possibly want in a Let Him Re Show? Also, you can hear me and his ultimate on TIFF's team and his catharsis elsewhere in the Bugle Stable this week for details on that and all the other shows in the Bugle Stable go to the Bugle Podcast.com. Until next week, goodbye. Good bye.