The Bugle - (Andy is watching cricket) Bonus Bugle

Episode Date: June 1, 2019

Relive Andy and John's take on Asian cities, and British election. Plus, some fine unheard recent stories. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugles, and welcome to a sub-episode of Primest Hog Washering from the Bugles, much shorter after vaults of the never previously heard, the previously heard book probably forgotten about, and the, let's be honest, rightly and deliberately ignored. This week, you'll be hearing from the recent past, the less recent past, and the world of voluntary subscriber lies. Let's start with some bits of recent bugles that on health and safety grounds were with health from public consumption due to being one or more of too funny, or too politically

dangerous, or too true or not true enough, or because they contain secret codes embedded by the Russian secret service. They change them every few weeks, so this stuff is now safe. Chris, stop the gramophone. I went to a place called Tobe of Maury. Now did you ever get a program in Australia called Bala Maury? No. Kiddys, it's a kiddys thing. There was a little thing, little tune.

What's the story, Bala Maori, wouldn't you like to know? And there was Mrs. Oh, commentable, her name. I wasn't allowed to watch TV as a kid. I read books in Priests like an Inid Black Nassau. Well, this is quite late, 10 years ago, maybe a bit more 15 years ago. But it was all brightly coloured houses, and it was filmed on this place called Tobamori. And there was one of the women's called Mrs. Hoolie and the house that Mrs. Hoolie lived

in in this fictional children's place. They rented out this, a real house that was a bright colour and I visited the people who lived there, this really old couple, they were on their 80s and they were just this delightful couple but they were just sick of the number of people who come and knock on the door and say come with me Mrs. Hoolie and she was and the bloke was from Glasgow, he was just there, he wasn't seeing that night and then the woman was from she loved their all-life on this little wee island and that was just a square and a seat there and there's nemesis here, like there and she was all sweet and like would you like a Mae'r yw'r ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgn fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n f Don't f***ing it, so weak television! A little bloke, when said anything he said, or went out and I said if you're

went to the Rio Grande, would you run the way there was knee-john, wean shit and f***ing Indians? In other plant news, some very distressing news coming from the plants of Europe, in particular the olive tree, the xylella bacterial pathogen, could ruin the European oil harvest, not that that's any of Britain's concern these days, we don't need European oil as anymore, because we have very British rabbit droppings, which are basically interchangeable. Now olive oil is to me probably the second most important substance in our lives after oxygen, most second equal with water. And a similar outbreak of Zylella put olive oil prices up by 20% back

in 2013. I mean, I'm just not sure that Britain can handle this in this delicate economic stage. There are concerns that the Zylella pathogen could actually now come over here to the UK and put our own homegrown plant pathogens out of business. And there in fact in the run up to the European elections there are posters of swallied looking Zilella pathogens, snaking away towards Britain could prove a crucial factor in the forthcoming vote. You just don't know these days.

And Zilella, of course, not only a threat to our olives, but is also renowned for its very popular video blogs about issues ranging from how to devastate a crucial Mediterranean crop, what make up to use when you're trying to attract a new insect vector, how to keep looking good when you're slowly killing a vine, plus a travel guide to the delightful Poulier region in southern Italy for any other plant pathogens contemplating a summer getaway to a most scenic and hospitable part of the world. Yeah, and you know the environment is getting ropey when a food that's been the cornerstone of a whole dietary genre for 3,000 years is under serious threat?

I mean, to explain this to Americans, so olive oil is such an important part of Southern European cuisine and culture, it's as if we had like a pathogen in like, lard or high fructose corn syrup. I'll put it all in some harrowing perspective. You know, Steve, when most of us thought he was an idiot, 74% of British people in the service said that they had tried cocaine, although that is mostly because of an EU directive forcing us to take psychotropic substances that leave a trail of human de-stabilization around the world. And the founder of the Global Drug Survey, Professor Adam Winstock, said, in the UK, we don't

tend to do moderation. We end up getting drunk as the point of the evening. I would take issue with this. When you look at town centres, cities centres on a Friday or Saturday night, we don't get drunk as the point of the evening. We get drunk as the point of existence. It's a key difference. He also said, suggested we need to change our culture and become, quotes, more European in our drinking. Have you not been watching the news for the last two years, 11 months? That was explicitly a vote against moderation in all things.

He said, we might have to bite the bullets. That is one way of cutting down on your drinking. And think about how to advise people to get drunk by drinking, well, drinking less. And it's good to set achievable goals. Not to how to advise people to find purpose and meaning in life without needing the consciousness numbing refuge of cheap booze and aggressive cocktails, but get drunk a little bit less. Vomiting a bin, not all over a bus stop attack you in a police cell.

It's just wean yourself gradually off it. My favourite part of Professor And in Winsdox's statement was that we get told too much is bad, but current guidelines fail to accept the pleasure of intoxication. Also, I should say that we respect Steve O. and a lot now, but it's mainly because he's dead. Soften the ways, isn't it? Yeah, we didn't appreciate him when he was alive.

We were all like, why would you do that? Yeah, I mean, it's basically fairly accurate summary of, I guess, the life in times of Jesus Christ. Very similar stories. If Jesus Christ had two adorable children that spend their lives following in their father's footsteps and a zoo Did he not? Where did all those donkeys come from?

And I have a question about the Indian electoral process and I know that you are a teen observer of both democracy and Indian chaos so I know that you are a teen observer of both democracy and Indian chaos. So, in my home city of Calcutta, there is an actress who has just become a politician. Her name is Mimi Chakravati and she was, she does so popular, she does films, and she's been given a ticket to Rana's accented from the ruling party of Bengal. She was campaigning on the streets of of Bengal but in a way to connect with voters, she decided to shake hands with them wearing gloves. Right, she doesn't catch any unexpected diseases from them and later when she spoke at an election campaign rally, she started shouting at them saying, I'm very busy, I'm very rich, I have other things to do, but I've taken the time to come here,

so you better shut up and listen. Do you think, Andy, that these make you more endearing to voters or less? Well, I just don't know with democracy anymore. I mean, what kind of gloves? I mean, if they're cricket, if they're cricket gloves, you could maybe see that that is, you know, trying to exploit when you're India's great, great passion for cricket. Exactly, exactly. That's an opinion like if she's just like a wicked keeper Maybe she sings something, but these are it's a very strong image. I'm a safe pair of hands. What more do you want in your political leaders? I mean, if Theresa May had conducted the entire Brexit negotiations with Wicked

Keeping Kit on, I think we'd have done a lot better. Well, this week, as I record, the 2019 Cricket World Cup began. England and a deeply unpatriotic desecration of decades of national tradition are beginning the World Cup not only as not completely nuttally useless and years behind the times in the context of World Cricket, but actually as favourites, they began with a win against South Africa, the highlight of which was Ben Stokes taking a catch that made physics quaken its very boots in the fear that everything it always thought was true might merely be a charade. We've all been there. Eight years ago, the World Cup was

held in Asia, and here are some of my reflections on my first experience of travelling on the world's most popular continent. 4.5 billion plus people can't be wrong. Here's a chunk from Bugle issue 145 Bugle feature section now and travel and since we lost both John I have skipped the country three times I'm a fugitive from the law all the on a pre-pranded itinerary and without the law having a real beef with me and hence not the both in the results is tracking me down. I initially fled Britain for Dubai, I was turned out to Dubai after 36 hours as scheduled. All I could get the airport was a flight to Bangladesh, possibly with a flight I'd built myself. And then after three

days in Dacca I was forced to peg it to India due to a contractual agreement with Crickinfo and the desire to wash and more cricket. Since then I've been ducking and diving, never staying in one place for more than a couple of days, that's how they're going to ban the paper trail of hotel and travel bookings I guess. Delhi, Nagpur, Bhaktaselli and now Bangalore. And in a change from the traditional British tradition, I have best of all managed not to shoot any tigers or subjugate the locals and exploit their natural resources for my own personal game. So well done me, just shows what a modern – I've done anything. – In light of man I am John. So, here's my bugle travel guide to some of the places I've

been so far. Dubai, as discussed previously in this esteemed journalistic organ that is the bugle, Dubai is a silly place, the world's most expensive tolling. The highlight of Dubai other than the departure lounge of the airport was the Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest and fucking stupidest building. And John it is properly staggering. It is majestic, physics-defying, a half mile high shot, a pure economic cock and architectural wang, flops up to the table of humanity for the sound of all rich billionaires saying, what do you think of this my dears? It is a startling marvel of engineering, a thing of sky popping, ice scraping, bean scene in its own way, a honkingly amplified f*** you to the concept of impossibility.

A gradual middle finger glittering defiantly in the face of gravity, necessity and reason. A statement that there is nothing that is beyond the reach of humanity if if the part of humanity making it is prepared to spend billions of dollars it doesn't have on something that doesn't need while shopping other parts of humanity hard and persistently in the arse with a solid gold trungeon and the bird caliper johnny's under the magnifson and certifiably stupid there are however a lot of buildings in Dubai that are not nearly as magnifson and certifiably f**king stupid. There are however a lot of buildings in Dubai that are not nearly as magnificent

and even more f**king stupid. To see the world economic downturn could babble the bubble of blind idiocy that drove it to by Burfington like Wampabler Montoya driving a jet for vulnerability scooter. There are, as a result of this, hundreds of power blocks with basically no one in.

Now Dubai, I mean you can't help thinking with it when you go to dackar afterwards could that money not have been better spent doing something else and building a point of sky-scary no no no no honestly not for a long time to buy

that more money than sense by similar margin to how millipede have more legs and hits or how the bodily and library has more books than inflatable blimps in the shape of Crocodile Dundee style at Linda Kraslovki. But and do I have more money than cents? But then the money turned out to be pretend, but the unquenchable lack of sense remains and this is the Dubai we have to vote. So there's these stupid islands in the shape of the world sitting stupidly sinking even more stupidly into a suitably embarrassed see sky grape scrapers are one or both empty and unfinished standing in sheepish uselessness gathering sand and dust

of the service of the six of kangaroos rucksacks for goldfish or zero gravity snooker table for solving sub-Saharan children as albert his with with Einstein himself said, you cannot put a lead on a headless dog. The author says an ostrich in the catapult is not the same as a helicopter. No, that's Thomas Edison. Anyway, Einstein said that the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. And if he had been to think of a bird's caliefer, and if he'd seen my guy this last weekend do by

two eye-talky teams full of russians playing each other in a game in a shopping mall in a desert if you've seen a hotel with a helipad where a room for a night could feed a village for a year he'll be patting himself on his back with his magic test tube saying nice one Albert you have hit that nail bang on the bonds now dacca next you know one you have to take that paper paris

it's not quite the same array of sheet designer clothes outlets no one would take that a for Los Angeles its film ministry is much less prominent and even few people with mistake that could for do by do by a place with about as much sold as a bond out carble fish monger daca a ceaseless waiver humanity clinging to the precipice

of viability with its trumps and casualties bustling together. And last week, John, it was going, stock bonkers crazy for cricket. And at the end of this week's people, so quite how stock bonkers crazy for cricket, they were going. We've got some audio of the crowd, the opening World Cup match in Dacca. during an over which the indian bowl of street sun considered twenty four runs after american listeners that is in shit and the crowd when absolutely ballistic and he said if you like if you like sports if you like cricket you love it you like sports

you know if you like life you will have it that's coming in the end of the port and the world cup began in dacott last satellite is not in ceremony featuring them what can you get to a feature job And the World Cup began in deck a last Saturday. It was known in ceremony featuring, what can you get to a feature, John? Who would you obviously book for the opening ceremony

of a cricket tournament in Bangladesh? There's only one person, Andy, and her name is Tina Turner. Wrong, it's Brian Adams. But, because, you know, we're all about cricket in Bangladesh. If you play Summer of 69 backwards, it's basically up to you and to the Bangladesh Test Captain, Habib al-Basha, who is a referred now. Anyway, I arrived in Dacca just as the only term he was finishing.

And my first experience of Asian was a taxi ride through St. So we're blistering with enthusiasm for basically the biggest international event in the country's history and the people i met you know it's a country of massive and obvious poverty but the people i met the crick-patterns in the streets were proud and optimistic incredibly welcoming in the face of his long-term battering history nature i could help thinking london these are not in the

and going from do do by the doctor is like playing consecutive frames of smoker against Kim Kardashian and Mother Teresa. So I opened an experience. And I've met somebody charming Indian cricket jet. I think some of them have got a flight from India in Spain. They had to fill out an entry form, an immigration form, in which they had to say color of skin black white or medium What?

That was on the bangles of the entry form the immigration form black medium I'm guessing that was a form that was designed by the British years ago was designed by the British years ago. I went to a deli and I went to a game in Deli and some of you might have read about the deli-pleasing a little over-refectious and essentially starving the stadium close to the port of death by not letting it be food in. And they were confiscating pretty much everything and I was certain away and they wanted all my coins because I have had a bit of crown trouble in deli and the past and they search my world of the coins

they're still i had to give them my indian rupees but i was allowed to keep my british towns uh... which i don't know i don't know if that's good or bad for british it's just you know i mean that no one would possibly try to put his pounded in an honorable country always has been in a way to work order is just that british country's fallen so low in the esteem of the world that people

think it's not worth being collected for charity as the Rupeesua and also so embarrassing to its owner, but no one would consider throwing it as a missile in a public location. Oh, cricket, way better than all reality. Last week, Bugle Issue 4,110 was released. But what was the world like 4,000 episodes ago, including all the ones between 294 and 4000 that we didn't record? Well, let's find out. Here's some highlights from Bugle Issue 110, featuring Andy Zoltzman and the former Spanish

comedian Juan Olivaera. Top story this week, the final countdown to nearly 50% of eligible UK voters not bothering to push some paper in a box. Yeah, they said it would never happen, John. They said it was an impossible dream. They said no one would have the balls to make it happen. But it's on, John. It is on! It's general election time. I see I've got a bit of that wrong. They said it would definitely happen.

They said it was a procedural inevitability and they said no one would have the policies to make it interesting, but it is still on. It's on. Democracy low. Don'tCarr. It might not have received much coverage over here in the US, Andy, but indeed Britain has announced the date of his next election and it is to be way for it, May the 6th. So put it in your diaries, spray paint it onto your fridge, tattoo it onto your children's foreheads and everyone. And I do mean everyone. Everyone in the world. Take the day off work, May the 6th. Make sure you spend the entire 24 hours sitting in front of your television, flipping the channels

and wondering why there seems to be no coverage of the UK election where you are. But it seems to you to say that, because I was on a school trip to Greece in 1992 on the day of the general election then. Right. And we were all working together. I was on a school trip to Greece in 1992 on the day of the general election then. And we were all gathered around, it was waiting for the results to come late at night. But the only international TV channel in this Greek hotel was CNN. And we were waiting for the result of the general election that had been built up

as being a hugely significant defining moment in the history of modern Britain, the choice between, you know, still properly left-wing labour and the continuation of the legacy of that year. And it was mentioned in about a 30-second final score basically after a ten minute reports about a farmer from Arkansas who'd lost a hand in a combine heart. But why hasn't this been a bigger new story around the world this week Andy? Well I think it's because the UK are clearly doing a few things wrong. One, Britain is simply not as relevant as it used to be. If it could fix that and once again become a dominant imperial superpower, that would go a long way to peaking people's interest.

Two, where's the Rasmata's here in the US? They automatically know when the next election is going to be. There's no element of surprise. So the UK has a huge advantage there with the opportunity to announce it with some spectacle and they blow it every time. Where was the motorcycle pyramid jumping through a hoop of fire

while holding a horticultural arrangement spelling out May the 6th and Tulips? Where was it? Instead it was once again a group of men in charcoal suits reading out a press release. Not and I repeat not from the top of a motorcycle pyramid.

Come on! Wow me! Also, number three, the election campaign is just not long enough in the UK, four weeks. Well, four weeks, what can you do in four weeks, Andy? The election here in America took a year and a half last time. It's like John Adams said,

if it doesn't take over six months, it's probably not worth doing. He was talking about human pregnancy. Doesn't matter. And he was biologically correct at that time. Well, I don't think everyone is talking about it here, John, other than on the TV news channels where they're obviously massively excited by one of the major features of this election campaign apart from the cynical use of leaders, spouses and the squirkingly infantile poster campaigns, is this, it's slightly more Americanized coverage actually. They seem to follow all the leaders around the whole time and interview them about every 30 seconds. In effect, the three party leaders are just on a permanent Twitter feed,

a verbal Twitter feed. And I think there is a large chance that most of it will emigrate on May the 5th just to avoid the end of it. Alistair Darling, the chance of the ex-Jekker, who was today, yesterday, rebutting conservative financial figures and said he's very clever words, what you can't do is spend money you don't know you've got. Which, yeah, from a man basically holding the purse strings of a government who spent a lot of money that it didn't know it didn't have. That's an interesting sideways step. If you don't know you've got it, you shouldn't spend it.

But if you know you don't have it, spend away. That's economics, John. That's why you and me can't do it. We don't have that level of sideways thought. David Cameron, the Conservative candidate, is a part of their manifesto proposing voluntary national citizen service for all 16-year-olds, where they join a two-month residential scheme featuring outdoor activities and community work. He said, show me a gang taking drugs, and I'll show you a group of people who have nothing to look forward to. Now, hold on.

I mean, that's not strictly true, Andy. I believe they're very much looking forward, for instance, to the next time they take drugs. That's the ideal thing on their horizon. And also, not that this scheme doesn't have its merit in principle But I would question the viability of appealing to a gang taking drugs with a two month scheme of outdoor activities and community work I don't know you have probably just to have it. It's not the same instant adrenaline rush is it? No, it's a longer high And more sustain Just. Just that more ultimately satisfying.

An interesting fact regarding the UK elections and one that probably provides a great insight into the British electorate psyche is that our elections are always held on a Thursday. Now this is just a convention rather than a full legal stipulation. The original reason for it being that people were not paid until Fridays, so holding polls on Thursdays ensure that they were not too drunk to vote. We might want to vote Andy, but such is our pre-election for self annihilation that we need to be protected from our own bad decisions by scheduling the election on the one day a week we are least likely to be unconscious. Such is our drinking problem we need that decision taking out of our hands and apparently the Electoral Commission is

recommended trials of weekend voting as a way of improving turnout but again they will just have to be trials and in I fear that those trials may reveal results of a lot of people vomiting, urinating and falling asleep in voting booths. Does that count as a spoiled ballot paper? How do you know it does? You've chandered on it. Well, there you go. That should keep you going until at least next week. And now, in the time on at Bugle Tradition, we will play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers, a huge thanks to all who have contributed so far to join them with a recurring or one-off donation, go to the BuglePodcast.com and click the

Donate button. Chris, you may now instruct the Lies Band to begin their music. Murray Tipping used to work in a secret government establishment researching the economic implications of sneezing, which costs the global economy an estimated $5.4 trillion every millennium in working time lost to pre-sneezing relations, the main sneezing phase itself, and the after-sneez recovery and clean up. Karl Stoltzmann always makes up a surname when communicating with people that rhymes with the person he's trying to make contact with. He has in the past written letters as Karl Twirlisconi, Karl Grismog, Karl Blivispoon, and when he wrote to the queen asking for

autograph, Karl the second. Alechandro Trio, in a former career in a hospital, sneaked into the radiography department and took a hectare of a 14th century Bible. It showed the unmistakable outline of a game's console handset, reading to that what you will. Mike Runo, well, he once heroically saved a gallon of water from drowning in itself. What a guy. Daniel Paddock

submitted a proposal that the creation of sliced bread and the birth of Jesus Christ should be replaced as the international standards of datekeeping by the first Wimbledon final. An anonymous Stoner initials NJ thinks that Olympic swimming would be significantly improved by using pools with a wave machine. NJ also wonders whether the Javlin competition might get more media attention if it will conducted as a last athlete standing contest. Paul Walsh is unconvinced that the pen is mightier than the sword after yet again finishing last in his local fencing club's annual championships.

Anonymous donor initials JK would love to go back in time with an electric guitar and give it to Mozart to see if the celebrity 18th century composing star would come up with the riff from Sweet Child of Mine. Another anonymous donor, this time initials MD, does not consider the word honey to be an appropriate term of endearment, given that these substances essentially the pie product of forced labour under an archaic hierarchical monarchy that we should have no truck within a modern enlightened society. And finally, Mark Greenwood once won a year's supply of ice cubes in a competition at a

local cocktail bar, but was very disappointed when the prize was delivered in one single consignment dumped on his driveway on a hot summer's morning. So there are your lies for this week thanks to all of those people and indeed any of the rest of you who have contributed to the bugle. This came in from Tim Wilkinson on Twitter on the subject of the bugle lies. He writes, if you could say please leave a message at some point, preferably on the show it would be less useful otherwise. I wrote Tim, well, yes, I do say it basically all the time anyway, but I'm recording this one for you. Then says Tim, I can turn my bugle lie into an answer phone message in case anyone ever

calls me for whatever reason. Well, here you go, Tim. Please leave a message. Let's have an alternative. Take of that. Please leave a message. please leave a message please leave a message there take your pick from those until next week goodbye The Go, go, let me do it.