The Bugle - Arm in Armageddon (4223)

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

Andy is with Nish Kumar and Josh Gondelman to look at the global response to Russia's invasion of Ukraine. Plus tributes are paid to Shane Warne.Care about The Bugle?Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarJosh GondelmanProduced by Chris Skinner, who also puts in a fine acting performance, ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugles and welcome to Issue minus 293 of the Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual world. It is the first of January of the year 2000. I am 25 year old Andy Zoltzman. What an exciting time. It is the big, even big bugles of the dawn of a whole new millennium, the first one for a thousand years would you believe. I've lived 25 years of my life and years beginning with one and frankly the novelty has worn off, but now it feels like a psychological clean slate for humanity, As we all brought together and improved by the wondrous power of technology.

I mean, yes, it might be quite hard to find comedy in such a massive utopia. But here on the Bugle, we're going to give it a go. And so, John, me and trying to give it a go, it's very amusing up and coming open mic comedian and actor John Oliver. Hello, Addy. Hello, Bugers. Oh, oh, viewers. Oh, what year is it and what month as well, please? It's March 2022, Andy. Oh, no. I was hoping you wouldn't say that Chris. Oh, yeah, sorry, I've over slept. let me just quickly catch up on the newspapers. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Um, um, shit. Tom, sorry Chris, do you mind if I take some time off? How long? 40 years. Uh, yes I do mind. You can have five seconds off.

All right, that'll do, start the clock. Hello, viewers! And welcome to issue 4223 of the Bugle Audio News Paper for a Visceral World. I'm Andy Zoltzman, looking at a window in my shed here in London. The sun is shining and the sky is blue and both of those seem totally inappropriate in the current circumstances. Makes me think that maybe using weather as a metaphor in any art form should be instantly banned. It has been another, I think we can fairly say,

it's over a week, and joining me to try to whizz up the twitching entrails of this roadkill badger of the seven days into a vaguely swallable audio milkshake. I'm joined from London by Nish Kumar and from New York by Josh Gondelman. Hello, both of you have enjoyed the world's latest instalment of World War 3 so far. Yeah, that about sums it up. Just Josh slowly, exactly. That you could just play that sound on a loop for 35 minutes and put that out as this week's vehicle. That is why I couldn't be a newscaster.

Every episode of the news is just like, oh boy, here we go. I think they should be allowed to do that. Well, here on the radio, on Radio 4, there was the bleeps on the hour. People think that's to show the time, but actually they're just bleeping out the first six days of it every year. It would be great if the news had turned out tonight just open with whoever's presenting it. Just go, okay, first things first. Fucking hell. Okay, all right, let's get back to it. Let's get back to it.

Okay, let's get back it. So I just needed a second to compose myself. Just, let's get back. Now we're into it. In Brooklyn, New York City is trying to prove that we're not full of coastal elites who care less about American values and more about keeping people alive.

So today we've eliminated almost all of our vaccine and mask mandates and indoor spaces. So that's an additional exhale. I'm just trying to stop the coronavirus from entering. So it's just a constant stream of... You know Josh, what I say to the news that New York has only just got rid of all of its mask mandates and facts in your thoughts. Pussies! We got rid of that shit months ago man. We just think we became Lord that you have to cough in an

old woman's mouth once a day every day about six months ago. That's just to keep the old women happy and stimulated. People used to talk about how dangerous New York was in the 90s and said, be like, how New York lost its edge. But now you could die just from breathing in a grocery store. So we're back, baby. Take that, Giuliani. I think I believe at one point, Giuliani was working out how to bring a legislation to ban X

I think. Well, with him it's because he doesn't know which one is going to be his last. He's worried that any time he escapes he's like, oh, that's the last oxygen that I'll recirculate through me. It's covered in oxide now. Also, take that Julie ony as the boy band for Republican politics cross over the world. We are recording on the 7th of March 2022 on this day in 1876. Alexander Graham Bell was given a patent for an invention that he called the telephone

Don't do it. IGB What the fuck can you unleash? On this day 15 years ago, Nish The House of Commons voted to make the upper chamber of the British Parliament the House of Lords 100% Elected that votes was held 15 years ago How would you say that's going in terms of putting that into action? Well, I don't want to give too much of the content of this week's episode once we move

into the meat of it, Andrew. But I'll quote from one of my school reports from the mid-90s, things are not going to plan. I don't believe I need to say any more or any less than that. Just, just as an outsider, it feels like when a group called the House of Commons votes and is like, hey, House of Lords, here's how you should do things. The other house isn't going to listen to them. Just, just, just, just come in by the names. That's how I would feel. This is my favorite anecdotes to contextualize the House of Lords. Particularly for American friends of mine, it is a chamber where somebody can get into just essentially on the whims of the government of the day.

And so Andrew Lloyd Webber is actually a member of the House of Lords. And he actually got to vote on whether they were going to increase benefits for single mothers. He decided to vote against that at the time. So a man who has got into a position of power because he wrote cats was able to prevent increased benefits to single mothers because of the film cat. And you thought the film cat at this point he should be tried in the f***ing hake for cats. Not being allowed to have a say in whether single mothers get more benefits.

Yes, in terms of school reports, not so much could do better in terms of turning the house of Lord Inter and elected chamber, as could do f***ing anything at all would be something. More on this later in the show, section in the bin this week, all hope. Did I do that? I've already done that. Top story this week. Well, we reported exclusively last week on the earth plummeting down the planet rankings in the solar system. This week the human race I'll still just about clicking on to the coveted cleverest species in the world title has also gone right back to the top of the stupidest fucking species chart as well. We've overtaken Lemmings

that is a contest that has run and run through our history and will run and run for as long as history continues. So till next week, Andy. We've got another six to seven days on that. The two V's, Vladimir, Ukraine and Vladimir, you... I'll say, as a Jewish comedian in his 40s whose surname begins with Zed, I've been feeling deeply inadequate this week. I think, listen, it's been a chasing week for all of us because I thought it's spotted in the last, really over the last two to three weeks.

There are people on the internet trying to contextualize flood of izalinsky for spotted in the last, really over the last two to three weeks, there are people on the internet trying to contextualize Flodomizalinsky for people in the United Kingdom and more than one person has used the following phrase. This is a bit like what would happen if Nishka Ma was elected Prime Minister. And I am here to tell you all, it's f***ing not. Because, for a Muslim, he has refused the offer of asylum in America, and it's said that he's going to state the country and fight for his people. And I'll be honest with you, if Putin rolls up on Dover, I'll be out of this f***ing place so quickly. I will leave a pencil outline in the air like a cartoon character.

And if anybody across me, I will be doing an Indian accent so offensive people will assume it was coming out of the mouth of Apunah as a paper petal. Yes I'm going to set the bar high for what comedians can achieve if they put their mind slightly higher than talking shit on a podcast once a week and and we see how it's going I mean it's been one of those weeks as a as a parent Where you find you know you find your children watching uncertified slasher movies on a stolen laptop after lights out You think well at least they're not reading the newspapers

Please we've taken all the filters off watch pornography. I would prefer that at this point. You know check you're at their internet browsing history and find that they've been trading illegal guns steroids ivory questionable world war two memorabilia bush meat and endangered reptiles and the dark web and you think well it could be worse they could be things watching 24 hour news channels or you find your youngest child engaged in the amateur taxidermy of a dead fox that they found in next door neighbors, been using your best kitchen knife and your priceless collection of 1930s cricket autographs as the stuffing, whilst posting baseless conspiracy theories about Hillary Clinton running a global baby stealing

ring and you think, well that is better than listening to an hourly news bulletin. It's just tragedy on tragedy played out on our TV screens, million people have been displaced already from Ukraine. From Ukraine, thousands have died. I mean, Europe as a continent is just trembling, shitting itself as it contemplates its past, its present and its future. But I've been on tour this week, and I know you've been touring as well. I think it's been the hardest I've ever found it to do comedy and to sort of think comedically.

As I was sat in a hotel room in Ipswich watching footage of a Russian military force, shelling a nuclear power plant in Ukraine. I did think this is going to make my custom-repost showwank a little bit sadder than usual. Well, you got to turn the news off before you start that. That is... And also get off the stage as well Loved up by my own tears for humanity That's the Mishkamar story I mean in any ordinary weakness that would be the most revolting image I guess if you're gonna say say that this week, maybe as good as any.

Yes, listen, it has been another very difficult week. The Russian invasion of Ukraine continues at pace. From a British perspective, it's been a somewhat depressing week. Obviously the bind that countries like the UK and the US find themselves in is that any kind of military intervention by NATO or any of his allies could be the thing that triggers a nuclear war. I found a very concerning quote from Nicolai Patrachev, who's a very close advisor to Putin, and head of Russia Security Council. In 2009, he warned NATO that Russia might engage in a nuclear strike to repel an aggression. One of the principal concerns at the moment is that Russia may use one of its one to 2000 tactical nuclear bombs that it has which is smaller nuclear weapons and make them more mobile.

I think that's not as big as that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, our traditional nuclear weapons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah, they come with a happy meal in McDonald's and most of them. But Padgethev said, you may have a more impressive military than I do, but I care a lot more, and we'll kill us all if necessary. And at this point, Russia are a kid who is going to say, if you're going to beat me at football, I'm taking the ball with me. It's mine, I'm taking it with me. Except in this case, the ball is everyone's lives.

It is literally a nuclear football. The ball is our planet. I've read another couple of minutes from saying, a similar line of thoughts, what is the point of a world without Russia? Yes. So I mean that's, it does suggest that that card is in the hand if not yet on the table Which is I'm not Josh. I mean what's your view on? Nuclear arm again you for or against generally depends on the day I so like as an American. I'm just relieved. We're not at war yet Like, as an American, I'm just relieved we're not at war yet.

Like, normally America is the first country to show up at war. It's like, we're ringing the bell. They're still looking at the window like, we weren't even ready yet. Like, the hors d'oeuvres aren't out. It's like, we have a second war to be at later and we're trying to hit them both efficiently. And normally, that's because we do. But I don't know. I read an op-ed this week that I read the headline that said

potential nuclear winter isn't actually as harsh as we thought it would be. That's a grim place to find optimism. Just like it's going to be kind of a balmy nuclear winter, which I don't like because that just reminds me of climate change. So it's like two Armageddon's just walking arm in Armageddon to oblivion. Yeah, but does it work sort of in like two negatives in maths that actually they can actually tell around and will actually question the glorious new future for the planet? Listen, we've got to start looking at the positives. Meg and the Stallion

infamously released a song called Hot Girl Summer. It's time for Ms. the Stallion to step up and release Nuclear Winter. Hot Girl Nuclear Winter. Hot Girl Nuclear Winter. Come on, Ms. the Stallion. The world needs you. Mm-hmm. Oh, it's mad.

I don't know. It's... It's just like... Just even reading that, it's just like, where are people's heads? Like that it's not gonna be a nuclear holocaust so much as a lesser nuclear ethnic cleansing. And I know comedy is about specificity, but choosing a particular genocide for that joke does feel a little insensitive. So if you're listening to him, think of your own, tell no one.

That's what I would recommend. It turns out what countries could actually do. One of the more practical steps that might not escalate the world into a nuclear war is taking in refugees. In terms of Britain's current contribution, so far we've been told that we're going to be world beating in terms of our refugee status. Pretty fatelow, I believe I've contextualized before as every Indian kids least favorite aren't, has formally launched the Ukraine Family Visa scheme to make sure that people in the Ukraine that have family in the United Kingdom will be able to gain great news. How is that going so far? Well, let me tell you, Josh,

and Andy and Chris, we have so far offered a monumental 50 Ukrainian visas. 50 50 50 1% of the 5,535 people who applied to join the program 48 hours ago have been granted their visas. We are world beating by which I mean we are beating the world with a British stick. It just it feels to me and this is me as an outsider, I don't mean to sound like like I'm throwing stones here because we're not really you know we don't always do a great job either over here of this, but it just feels like it's tough for the UK to be like we're gonna lead the world in taking in refugees when like five years ago you all were like we don't want French people spinning. We want no one, you know, but even

Europe can't even come're up anymore. Yeah. Yeah. The French interior minister, Gerald Dominain, has accused Britain of lacking humanity because 150 Ukrainians were turned away at Calais when they were trying to get to the United Kingdom. And I guess the response of the United Kingdom is, oh, thank you. Thank you for recognizing that, Monsieur. Get ultimate compliment. BELL RINGS

In terms of following the proper procedures, there's obviously a huge amount of conversation in the United Kingdom about the influence of Russian money in the UK, and in terms of their proper procedures. These aren't even actually new conversations, particularly. The Parliament's intelligence security committee in 2020 found that Russian influence in the UK is the new normal

and this is direct quite from the report. There are a lot of Russians with very close links to Putin who are well integrated into the UK business and social scene and accepted because of their wealth. And the report added that any attempts to mitigate that are not preventative but rather constitute damage limitation. Now one of those Russians is Evgeny Lebedev and there have been serious questions asked this week about why he has been accepted into the previously mentioned on the podcast House of Lords. There were reports that Boris Johnson was warned by the security services that Lemvedev, whose father was a CDKGB officer, might constitute a security risk to the country if he was given a peerage.

Now, all we know at the moment that on the 19th of March 2020, Boris Johnson had a private meeting with Lev Vadev and subsequent to that, several sources have revealed that Boris Johnson worked hard to overall the initial security advice and guarantee him a peerage. Now, this is to quote my Nando's order incredibly spicy. Incredibly spicy indeed. Sores is close to Johnson have revealed to ITV's Robert Peston that he was obsessed with the peerage being granted. And this is the thing, why would say to these Ukrainian refugees who were struggling to come to Britain, you f**king idiots mate. There's no way you're getting in this country. What you need to do is whip round and do what Lev Vedev did, which was by the evening

standard newspaper and give Boris Johnson uncritical coverage in his run-up to becoming Mayor of London. So what these Ukrainian refugees need to do is stop being chumps about it, have a whip round, buy a paper, say, Bojo equals number one, and then maybe we'll talk about not just getting you in the country, but giving you a seat in the House of Laws. So this is just to go back to that vote in 2007 on reform of the House of Laws to make it 100% elected 15 years on, of getting a libido party, Chum of Boris Johnson, son of a former KGB agent, is elevated to the House of Laws. Oddly, he's then not bothered to do anything there. He gave one speech and a hasn't attended since, apparently. He didn't even write his own speech from the eye of her either.

Kissed, Kissed, Starmer is called called for an investigation into the elevation of the Buddha, to the house of the Buddha. And I guess, you know, we complain it's not voted, but he was voted in on the one man, one vote system, which Boris Johnson was the one man and the only vote, and he was 100% elected under that system. If you do have any suggestions, be alert on how to improve the British parliamentary system and how to deal with the issue of corrosive Russian influence

and the British economy and politics, do write them on a bit of paper and post them to your local landfill sites. And please, please, please mark your envelope. This country is sick to its very core. Now, look, again, I'm an outsider here, but I have to say, being one of many lords appointed to a government position for life is weird to me.

Even when you're not a security risk, in my country, we only give lifetime appointments to a baseball team's worth of judges, who said, Iron Clad, if you go to the hospital, even after they've become so old, you wouldn't trust them to order for themselves at a diner. So it's just kind of two different ways of doing things. I saw this reported, I was, because I was reading to catch up on the story, and some people were saying like,

oh, this is just anti-Russian sentiment, but I'm inclined not to trust Boris's judgment ever. Right. Like, Nish, you said they had a meeting on March 19th, 2020, a week after every government in the world was like, don't have meetings with people. That's the worst thing you can do. So I'm starting there.

This is a bad idea. If Boris Johnson told me I was wearing a cool shirt, I would throw it away. I would take it off and throw it away. And I know you're thinking, Josh, why not donate it? Well, it's because I don't want a person who accepts a donated shirt getting bullied on the street.

I can't have that in my conscience. The Compare the Market Adverts in Britain, which have used Russian merecats in a very popular campaign over the last 13 years. They've been pulled at least temporarily. I mean surely Vladimir Putin will take notes. I mean we are tolerant in Britain. As we've discussed we've tolerated extremely dubious wealth emerging from the mineral riches which have been filched from the Russian people by its oligarchs.

We've accepted them, but Putin has made Russia such a tainted brand that fictional puppets now no longer want anything to do with his country. Surely that message will get across. I feel like you've gone through that much too quickly for people that don't live in the United Kingdom. I think we need to explain to people that there is a series of long running adverts for a car insurance price comparison website that is called Compare the Miracats that features two Russian Mircats as their spokespeople. Frankly, I think it's high time that we stop letting Vladimir Putin be the voice of one

of those Mir those Americans. He is cancelled people. It's absolutely astonishing that the measures that we're taking, will we see assets linked to Putin maybe after six months? However, if you are a fake Russian meerkat on a carature at Price Carp, you are getting locked up, my friend. But we are now officially withdrawing the word rushing from the official dictionary. Just in case anyone, you're now in a hurry or you're nothing. Russian dressing is now exclusively thousand island dressing.

Fliping back to the other room. I think we should do more puppet-based sanctions. Like, Elmo from now on, Elmo won't let any episodes of Sesame Street be sponsored by the letter V pronounced like the letter U. I think we could do. Russian dolls are now just called women with a bunch of other women stuff to them. That actually is a different thing, that's a different thing. Josh, what did you think of your former political and indeed spiritual leader, Donald Trump? His suggestion that America bombs Moscow, but in planes, which they put stickers of the Chinese flag on, so Russia blames it on China. Do you think that's it?

I just don't think our military strategy should be contingent on bumper stickers. I was like, hey, we could broker a piece. We slap a coexist sticker on it at 22. We fly it over Ukraine. This is, I think it's even worse than my best idea for diplomacy, which is, you know, because people have brought up a no fly zone, which you have to enforce then with military aggression. I think we should have a no thanks zone.

So that is if Russian planes fly through Ukrainian airspace, we go, hey man, no thanks. Not good off, big guy. Nadine Doheryz has another British cabinet minister has suggested culture is the third front in the Ukraine war. Now I'm not sure entirely what you meant by that. I mean, people seem to assume she meant that cultural sanctions banning Russian orchestras, conductors, musicians, whatever from playing, can play a part in the isolation of Putin and turning Russia against him. But bearing in mind other things that she and her fellow cabinet ministers have said, it might be that the government is taking this chance to impose brutal economic sanctions against people who choose not to use Hishi pronouns. I think could be the front and the

culture, all they truly want to open up. You have no, that is the latest, it is absolutely astonishing. There is a piece in the Times newspaper today which, written by Matthew Sion, that features this complete phrase. While Xi Jinping was resetting the world order through his belt and road initiative and Vladimir Putin was recreating the Russian Empire by annexing Georgia and Crimea, we were arguing over gender neutral toilets. And at this point in Britain it is simply whatever the subject is, you are on a timer out for someone to blame it on gender neutral toilets. It is the level of brainworms that have affected a whole class of people in British society is beyond me.

It's happening here too, but it's like, first of all, the two things are unrelated, right? The two kind of global and local initiatives. Second of all, the honest way to say that is like, hey, well, Vladimir Putin was trying to increase his empire in Ukraine and Xi Jinping was using the belt and wrote, you know, implementing the belt and wrote initiative in China. We were trying to make it illegal for transgender people to shit. Like, that's what, yeah, that's like really how you're supposed to put it. Yeah. Great, that's what it was. That's like really how you're supposed to put it. Yeah. Great. That's what it was. This wasn't some kind of all-encompassing multi-billion dollar FDR-style new deal for gender-neutral

toilets. This is like conservatives imperiling trans people and everybody else going, knock it off. We want people to be okay! If there's one thing that would have taught notorious homophob, Vladimir Putin a lesson, it's if we've been less kind to the LGBTQIA, it's just kind of as an olive branch to Russia. It's a rather selective, you know, it's picking, you know, three things, one, you know, one from China, one from Russia, one from the West and laying them. It doesn't, you know, he could equally have gone, well, we in Britain were voting for Brexit and to take back control of our national future and indulging in a, in a, in a momentous decision that will shape the entire future of our country. In Russia, they were opening up a new ice rink and giving balloons to children at the party.

Right. Well, Xi Jinping was turbocharging the Chinese economy. LeBron James was facilitating a trade for Russell Westbrook in the House of the President. What is the West thinking? The Ukrainian authorities, however, have amidst all the tragedy and the brutality of managed to see the funny side, the National Agency for Protection against Corruption issued a statement saying, have you captured a Russian tank or a personnel carrier and are worried about

how to declare it? Keep calm and continue to defend the mother. So you won't be charged tax. I don't know exactly how the tax on stolen military vehicles worked in Ukraine, but it's amidst the middle of a war to basically troll Russia with a tax gag. That's high level stuff. Listen, we're all waiting for a day, hopefully, with this warheads unsuccessfully forput it, where a farmer in Ukraine is just driving down the road and sees his neighbor getting into a tank. Okay, I know that you don't have to pay tax if you capture a tank, but what about on the

income if you sell the tank? I think that's what I get you. I definitely think there's been a strain of US conservative who's very pro-Putin because it was kind of masculinity and I think this is going to get them on board with the cause of the Ukrainians. This is the American dream. Every Republican just wants to own a tank and not pay taxes.

So this is perfect. All they have to do is incentivize using those tanks to blow up abortion clinics and it will fully become the Texas of Eastern Europe over there. I think it's also worth saluting the sheer bloody-minded bravery of the over, I believe, at the last count, 4,300 people arrested in Russia in 21 different Russian cities for

protesting the war and also to ask out the protesters in Kazakhstan who turned out at large numbers to chant no to war and Putin is a dickhead. That's a good chant. I mean if anyone deserved the term dick to bring back 90s style insults into political disservice. Dickhead, doleweed, call him out. As if the world wasn't shit enough on Friday of last week, the news broke that Shane Warren, the great Australian Cricketer, one of the finest cricketers of all time, had died suddenly of what is thought to be a heart attack. I'm not blaming Vladimir Putin for this, but the timeline doesn't look good for the Russian

oligarch. For all cricket fans, of which, I don't think I'm breaking my own confidence in saying, I am one. The iconic figures of the game, one of the greatest players of the game, he sprung to prominence in England with his first ball ever in an ashes test in Manchester in 1993. And he's a legspin now to explain to non-cricut fans on the bugle. The fast bowlers, the ball at, you know, over 80 miles an hour up to about 95 miles an hour, worn as a spinner. I do not have the advantage of speed bowls, sort of 45 to 55 miles an hour

and uses craft and deception and the rotations of the ball to make it drift and spin. And it was an art form in cricket that had struggled over previous decades, not quite to say it was fully extinct, but he was something of a throwback. And he bowled his ball the first ball he'd ever bowled against England. And it bowled out Mike Gatton, who's a very experienced England player. And it drifted through the air, it dipped, it bounced, and it spun away viciously in a hit. The top corner of his stumps and gatting looked like a child who just discovered that Santa clauses a Russian secret agent. Look at the fuddleman and disappointment as he walked off. It's possibly the single greatest ball bowl out of more than five million in Tess Krik.

It's only in terms of its impact on the game and one then had a prodigious career over about 15 years and then became a commentator as you work with him on Indian television for three days of a test match some years ago and met him a couple of times on BBC duty. And it was just a, amidst all the awful news that's been going, it was just a horrific thing to hear.

I guess I know you are also a cricket fan, but it may be not quite at the level that I am. I don't believe anyone is at the level of view of you Andy. I think it's you and the inventor of cricket. If someone had asked me if someone said, woke me up from a dead sleep and said, Josh, name the biggest cricket fan, I have a gun to your head and if you can't do it, I'm going to shoot. I would say Andy Zaltsman, now let me go back to sleep. Tributes were paid. So on a good effusive tributes from his form of teammates, opponents, a flawed man as most are, but an incredible character

in cricket. The statue from outside the Melbourne cricket ground, people left flowers, as you might expect, cricket balls, as you might expect. But also cans of beer and packets of cigarettes contribute to the kind of life that won. What do they mean to you, Nisha, as a cricket fan? I'm a cricket fan and I'm 36 years old and what that means is Shane Warn is a figure who has dominated my entire life. He made the game, he made a decidedly and Andy Warn thank me for saying this unsexy game, feeling incredibly cool. He was the rock star of cricket and he, I saw him play a couple of times and I remember being sat on the pretty close to the boundary rope, like pretty much

the front row that you could sit at in lords. And you could hear the revolutions of the ball, the ball was spinning so quickly that it was audible on the boundary rope and witnessing him bow live is one of the great thrills of my entire life. And again briefly meeting him at a cricket event before I was, let's not be around the bush, justifiably blacklisted from those, D-Joy and incident involving a flying bread or oil. It was really one of the greatest, one of the greatest fields of my life. And he sort of, he was kind of bowling mystic. He had a number of different variations that he mastered.

And then later in his career, as he had to have repeated shoulder surgeries because of the strain of his somewhat peculiar action, he evolved his game and became a sort of wizard elder-sateman. For non-cricut fan-buglers, of which I imagine there is a rapidly declining grip. As cricket gains global popularity and in the world president did rate. Or as this broadcast hemorrhage listeners who can't start to hear about a game that is the result of baseball having unprotected sex with a library. It's worth having the quigx quiz because he did things with a cricket ball

that still to this day seem geometrically impossible. And it's blown a huge hole in the life of the game. Yeah, and that one ball to get in 1990. I mean, it took England basically a decade and a half to recover from that single ball essentially. The kind of impact it had on the psyche of English cricket. And I was asked one of the Saturdaysist fahashas I did in Australia, did I prefer warn as a cricketer or as a pundit, as a TV pundit. And I mean, I think it's what every thing of Shane Warn, as a commentator, as whatever he did, became a coexist,

well poker player, I think, after his cricket career, there was nothing that he could do that would be as good as what he did on a cricket. He could have found an elixir for eternal Covid immunity, but just eating a mango and clucking luck a chicken and it would not have been as good as what he did as a bully. He could have developed a hybrid chicken pig crossbreed every morning, like 20 ready-made bacon and a gomlets to solve world hunger it wouldn't have been as good as that boy who got angry with Strouse out within 2005 he could have gone to Antarctica pulled out

he could have gone to Antarctica and urinated a full-size replica of the ashes earn that frozen midair it wouldn't have been anywhere near as good as what he did on the field he could have swallowed Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison whole, put on a big red curly wig, drunk a bottle of tequila and belched the Australian Prime Minister back out in the form of a Mexican clown. Still wouldn't have been the most amazing thing he did. It was extremely, and I also found out the way I found the help I was driving on the way to my tour gig in Barnard Castle and then I had my phone up with the map app and what's that message came through from Chris? It just said Shane Warn with us

kind of like a surprised face emoji and and I thought what an earth has he come out in favor of Vladimir Putin as he announced, he's coming back to play for Australia, as he have found in a lixir of life and is now 20 years old again and it's going to dominate the ashes for the next 15 years. And I'll put the radio on and heard the sat, it was a very strange way to hear that news, Chris. Very strange. Yeah, sorry about that. I I mean I could have posted some fireworks explicit based on the text messages I've received since. The Bolly Bulls, Andrew Strauss with the 2005 is worth watching because Andrew Strauss, it feels like he's still trying to work out 17 years later

what happened to his leg stump. Well that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. No, the happiest of shows, I think it's fair to say, but I hope you've enjoyed it. Don't forget to buy tickets to all of my tour shows. This week, if you hear this on Tuesday tonight, I'm in North Allerton, then Wednesday and Lincoln Thursday and surely Friday and Birmingham, then the following week,

Cheltenham, Leicester, Madeenhead, Aldershot, Nottingham, Bristol, Cambridge, and Milton Keynes, that's the following two weeks, then an eight night run at Soho Theatre in London in May. Anything to plug? Yes, I am on tour. I am all over the place. I am in Warwick on Friday and Ailsbury on Saturday.

And yeah, I'm covering some ground. And if anybody knows, 400 people in Rexham for the love of God. So then what, because that gig was pretty much currently based on my current Rexon sales. That gig would have been safe in April 2020. I'll take to my group chat for 100 people in Rexon plus John.

Oh, I've got to get Ryan Reynolds and Rob McI on the bottom because they bought Rex and football club. Thank you for your crowd. Josh and Shirley, you got sum in with Reynolds. Oh yeah, I'm a big renhead. You would blight lively, a piece of the pod, surely. We went to Summer Camp together. I am doing a little stand up. You can find it Josh Gondelman.com. I've got a couple shows in Brooklyn.

I've got a show in Woodstock, New York. I am adding stuff hopefully for the summer that I'll be out on the road. And D'sis and Merrill returns to television this week, which I'm very about. Again I feel like I have to say because it doesn't scan knowing me but I work very, I'm not just a fan. There's Day 9 at 11. Well thanks as always to both of you my tour dates and results on dot-cadauk which I think is largely accurate now, after a few slight ditches. It's the best thing that anyone has ever said about your website. At Minimilist I think it's better to say.

We will now play you out if you've not had enough lies from the world already. We will play you out some lies about our premium level of volumptious subscribers to join them and to make one off or a current contribution to the duvel death of even contestant. The Domeca. Torre Evanson thinks that whilst many people are allergic to peanuts, it is quite possible that peanuts are even more allergic to people. But the very least says Torre. I think the average peanut would rather avoid contact with humans because it tends to end quite badly for them, whether they're

actually allergic or just human wary, well I'll leave that to the scientist to work out. Sanders Aspulund believes that all you need in a domestic kitchen to cook pretty much every necessary dish is a potter's wheel and a fun-sized flame-thrower. You can cook anything with a source of heat and something that rotates explained sanders. Ovens and Hobbes are a waste of space if you ask me, but then again I also think that all you need in a bathroom is a garden house and a tennis racket. So what do I know? Stephanie Eglinton Warner thinks that the tricycle should be the only vehicle allowed in city centres. Not only would it help the environment so Stephanie but it would also assist in reducing traffic and it

would most importantly help people to stop taking everything so seriously. It's really not possible to try to look cool, business like wealthy or superior on a trike. You just can't do it. Believe me so Stephanie, I've tried. Colin Costa Chook is in favour of the wider use of Advent Calendar style reward based anticipation enhancing countdown assisting accessories. Why is it only Christmas that gets a countdown calendar, rails Colin? Christmas can look after itself. Wouldn't it be more use to have a calendar giving you a chocolate every day for 24 days in the build up to something less innately exciting, for example the end of

a tax year or the start of your exams. And finally David Blumquist is already all over Collins' idea. Personally says David I've got a special calendar counting up towards the end of the world, or at least I have a special box with tiny little cardboard doors with chockies behind and I get myself a chockie every day. I've been counting up as Advent calendars do, and having blasted through 24 I've just kept going and I simply write a new number on it every evening before I go to bed so I can happily open it next morning if the world hasn't ended. I've been doing it since October 2007 and I'm on

day 5,260. Yes I'm bored shitless of chocolates but I'm oddly excited about Armageddon. Here end if this week's lies. Goodbye.