The Bugle - Audio newspaper for a visual world

Episode Date: October 15, 2007

The first ever episode of The Bugle! Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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from Times Online edition number one, Monday October the 15th, 2007 with me, Andy Zoltzman here in London and in America, John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello world, but most importantly, hello Andy. Thanks John, so how is America? It's doing its best, or anyone can ask of the lab. Inside today's multi-section google, special news feature on the War on Terror. Are you bored of it too? Or is peace overrated? Entertainment, the Nobel prizes upon us, we now know all the individual category winners,

but who will be declared overall Nobel Champion of the world 2007? As with any newspaper even an audio newspaper like this, some sections do go straight in the bin. Today, those sections are the travel section. Will people please stop going to Heathrow Airport? It was designed by Heronomon Sposh. Just recycle it. And also in the bin is the special lifestyle section

you and your stationery. Why is it in there Andy? That is a needlessly heavy piece of sound. So today's top news story, Iraq. How well is it actually going? Quite badly I would say. Give it time Andy, give it time. I have given it quite a lot of time well just give it a

bit more time you never know it might yet surprise you I just think as a taxpayer and consumer of the war in Iraq I have been disappointed with the war that I've received you have to support the concept of time Andy you have to support our time if you're not for that what are you for you're for the nihilistic view of non-consensual time that the terrorists are proposing. Right. I think you've been in America too long now, John. They make some convincing arguments here. Well, the consensus in Britain is that so far Iraq is only scoring 2.3 out of 10, which is bad for any war. Yeah, that's not a great score. But there has been an announcement that's British truthfully for any war. Yeah, that's not a great school.

But there has been an announcement that's British truthfully reduced to two and a half thousand next year. How many American troops are there, John? Well, there are 168,000, so that is just the latest slap in the face from an already very red American face at the moment. So they're really getting stuck in, that's a lot of soldiers. Well, the big question, I guess is, could Iraq be going any worse? And this was probably best pointed out by the President himself,

the self-styled 43rd President of the United States, when he said in a press conference that Iraq is in fact like Vietnam, but in a good way. Now, that is not scraping the bottom of the barrel, Andy. That's going through the barrel and tunneling straight into the floor, possibly into an old antique barrel that you didn't know was there and getting to the bottom of that. And then going through that into a main selectress of decable. That's right. And if you want to know, Andy, how much balls it takes to say a thing like it's like Vietnam but in a good way. It's three balls

You need an extra ball and luckily this president has that extra ball and is willing to use it in a time of war I'm very worried about this plan to fly the troops home because I'm not in favor of the Iraq war, but I think the environment is now the big issue that we really need to address And I think that it's reached the stage where the environmental damage of flying the troops home now outweighs the dangers of leaving them there. So I think they're either going to have to just try and blend in with the locals or fight their way back across land. Well, the exit strategy is quite a big issue because Bush has said that if we leave now, the enemy will follow us home. So any withdrawal will have to throw them off the scent. I was just wondering, implying.

But the enemy do know where America live. That's the thing. They're aware. Number one, Atlantic Ocean. Their Canada is very noisy, no, but... Can they not sort of set up some kind of decoy, like people do with paparazzi? So maybe some American troops can just head off to Australia

and hope that the terrorists follow them there. That is a real American army goes home. That is a good idea. That clicking on the line was probably the Pentagon picking that idea up. But the biggest withdrawal Andy has been from Iceland. I don't know if you saw that this week. They announced their formal withdrawal from the coalition of the willing to which their contribution was one troop. That is a disaster. It's a 100% withdrawal. The entire Icelandic ice-ish, whatever they call themselves, it hardly seems to matter now. They're not involved,

they're not a team player. They've pulled their entire army out. Well, what they should be though, let the records show this, there should still be a veteran's parade in the future. there should be though, let the records show this, there should still be a veteran's parade in the future. Every time she goes to the shops, or goes for a little stroll somewhere, that should be a parade. What it does give you is spectacularly absolute results. That's a 100% withdrawal from Iceland, and even asking how the Icelandic army is doing, maybe 100% of the Icelandic army was a bit peckish. John knows how much of America is still behind President Bush and his little joint. Well it's probably quicker to give you names

and it's not even the whole Bush family anymore. Now America is not not enjoying this spectacular fall from grace. His approval ratings are believe or as low as they have been yet and they have been pretty low So now America is not too happy with how things are going But one positive thing has come out of this situation Andy, which is what the US this is a fact It's not one of those false facts. It's a true one. He's now running out of bullets one billion bullets fired per year by American, Andy. They said it couldn't be done. They said they could make them faster than Americans could fire them, but they have been proven wrong. Now Bush's government have hit back by saying that's

not actually that bigger figure, especially if you think of a much bigger number to compare it to. That is true. And well, it's only what about three bullets per American. Yeah, it's not that. And there must be some Americans who don't use any bullets and some who use a lot. So I don't know. I mean, if you're an average man in the street, I mean, you've been living in America now for almost 18 months. How many bullets have you fired in that time? What I fired probably, oh, got about 22 bullets. But, you know, 19 of them were into the air, only three were out to other people. Yeah, well that was that incident at the Motoy service station, correct? Right, best brush over that.

There's only one thing in a war, more foolish than running out of bullets, and that is to tell your enemy that you have run out of bullets. That's right. That's, that's, is a tactical error of quite magnificent proportions. I think it does also come down to the, from the America been operating a shoot first, hold court marshals later, policy. It works fine, Andy. Now, there is a genuine consequence to this,

which is that police forces, in particular, the NYPD, to train their police officers now. They're having to use paintball guns, which is a magnificent idea. They should have them now for all the police. Take the guns from them and give them paintball guns, which is a magnificent idea. They should have them now for all the police. Take the guns from them and give them paintball guns. What is the worst thing that's gonna happen to an innocent black man in harm?

He's gonna end up looking like a working progress Jackson Pollock. Congratulations, officer O'Reilly, yet another masterpiece. Well, thank you very much. It's just so hard to know when it's finished. It certainly might have solved a few problems over here if a Brazilian man had had his head painted red orange, green, yellow, and blue. I think that really the only excuse they've got left for Iraq now is that it was supposed to be

best of three, so they had to have the second Iraq war and there was a legal precedent with this with the World War, they were best of three. That's kind of facts. There was a third world war in the 1970s, but because we were two nil up, the press didn't report it. It was played behind closed doors. Yeah, Germany actually one of their now-run Kent County Council. So moving on to other news now and in Britain, John, I don't know if this has been big news in America, Gordon Brown's honeymoon period has unceremoniously ended in a hail of abuse from his political enemies and accusations of policy stealing. Is this registered much in the States? Or do they still think Blair is in charge? If you do, do you know what? I was asked a question

pretty much along that line this morning on the radio. If you listen now to that slight buzzing sound, that is the buzz of America talking about Gordon Brown's taxation pre-budget. Because we all love pre-budget taxation. I mean, I just one of those moments in the year like the FA Cup final that as a kid, you look forward to full week in advance. Particularly in the old days there wasn't so much economics on-telling so the pre-budgetes' date was you know a big thing but now you know you've got these 24 hour economics channels it's not quite so special but it still has that little freeze on of anticipation. That's right as he stands there and someone throws a football of his hair he's saying I'm Gordon Brown I used to be Chancellor. More than

anything the recent weeks of politics in England have really proved the country that no one really cares about party politics anymore, we're alienated. This is proof by the fact that there are more suicides during party conferences and than during the rest of the year put together. Now that is a lie, but my point stands. Yeah, I mean, it's a very powerful lie, so there must be something to it. The government they've offered to raise the inheritance tax threshold for married couples, married couples very much in the sites of all political parties that Tories offered tax breaks to married couples earlier this year on the grounds that marriage

is the bedrock of Britain. The bedrock of British society, therefore, it must be financially rewarded by the state. And I fully endorse this. A lot of people get married because they love each other. I think this is weak. I got married three years ago, but I got married because I love my country. And I thought of all the wonderful things that Britain has done for me over the 33 years I've been in it when I was only eight years old for example 1982 Britain saved me from being invaded by Argentina or with Argentina used cheap maps and missed by 15,000 miles. But I thought it brings on so much of me it's time for me to repay Britain now by contributing to its better and getting married. So I got down on my bendy knee and I said to my now lady wife,

I said darling I love Britain. Would you do me the honour of helping make Britain an even more magnificent nation? And she said, of course I will, I love Britain too. And we shook hands, and we sang rule Britannia. And we'd reminisced on when it was that we'd realised that we both really loved Britain. It had been a party university, and we were both pissed off our faces. And she was going out with German at the time,

might have a bit of a thing for France, but we've worked through it. I was at that wedding, Andy, and that is why I have my face painted like the Union Jack and kept screaming God save the Queen. That was also why I kept screaming on Miss Princess Diana as well, because I do. Every day is difficult.

Actually, has the inquests into Diana's alleged death have been big news in the States? Actually, it has been quite big news and American people do tend to think that we really do miss her because I guess they saw all of those shots of mass mourning ten years ago and They're quite delicate around mentioning it so whenever anyone mentions Diana. They'll kind of shoot an Awkward glance over as if as if your mother's just died. It's okay, we've got over it now. It has been 10 years. But I and the American people am extremely pleased that there is yet another

inquest. It's definitely what Diana would have wanted. In fact, I think there should be an inquest for each year that she would have been alive and indeed should have been alive, where she not taken from us so quickly. So there should be 340 inquests. Then you've got to have... She would have found a way to live that long and the powered only by compassion. Another piece of news and the is of course Armenia and the genocide that wasn't. Has that caught on back in Britain? It's been a bit of a story here, certainly the top genocide story of the week.

Yeah, I mean, I guess what happens for those who don't know is that in the year 2000 Bush referred to the massacre of 1.5 million Armenians by Turkey as a genocide, but in his defence he wasn't to know when he stated that as a fact, that an even bigger fact would emerge that of Turkey's usefulness to the current Iraq war. And that is a huge fact. That is a massive fact. And so Bush is back down saying no it wasn't actually genocide. Is this partly because he's covering his own back for the number of deaths he's caused? Well no, really this is the first piece of really great news from the Iraq war, Andy,

because the current Iraq war has in a way prevented a 100-year-old genocide from ever having happened. And that is a huge positive of both Bush and Blair's decision to go there. Yes, they've killed thousands of Iraqis, but in a way, they've saved 1.5 million Armenians from being subject to a genocide, and if that doesn't win them, the noble peace prize, then nothing will. 1.5 million Armenians, Andy. They're heroes. It just seems a shame that they didn't have the courage to be public with their real reasons for the Iraq war being to save so many innocent Armenians lives in the early 20th century. I don't know, Andy, because I would have been right behind them, and that would have made those

marches look pretty stupid. What do you hate about Arminion's who are already dead? And our final other news story is that archaeologists in Rome claimed to have uncovered what they think is a lost epistle of St Paul. And Avalatian Paul was a compulsive epistle writer, as we know, although today only 14 of his many thousands of epistles have appeared in print in a book first published several years ago now called Bible 2, The New Testament. The New Epistle, if is from St Paul to his local council, and has been translated from the original Greek by Professor

Albin Strange of the Nantwich Institute of Biblical Studies, and it reads like this. Dear Sir or Madam, where is my bin? I asked for a new bin three weeks ago, I have not received that bin, where is my bin? The people who lived down the road at number 53, stole my bin, they've now painted 53 on it, so I can't steal it back. Maybe in the old days I would have done, but I'm a changed man.

The current situation is untenable. I need a bin, I'm trying to found a major religion, I do not have time to dispute the provision of basic communities. Give me a bin, give me a bin, give me a bin, preferably a weely bin, give me a bin, regard Paul. So I don't know what message we can learn from this epistle of St Paul to the local council. Do you know what I take from that? Yeah, parable Andy. I take from that that you lost your bin.

You're saying that I'm saying what happened to me in a form of a fake epistle from some people? I'm saying you haven't even changed the number of the house of the person you believe stole your bin. I don't believe it, John. It's got the same dent in the lid that our old one had. I'm saying, you haven't even changed the number. Not by one. Just don't mention the road. Don't mention the road, mate John. But we do know I haven't even been.

This is a private cry, Pandy. Don't take it onto the airways. Bugle, letters and emails. There is no letter section in this edition of the Bugle because it is the first edition of the Bugle and therefore none of you have the opportunity to write in. However, in future editions we will be responding to your letters or more likely emails. So do send them in to the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. So from next week's show you will have the rare opportunity to ask a genuine American citizen of which there are literally thousands walking around here

anything you wish. Just send your question to the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and every week a different American will be happy to answer your quiz. Bugle feature article! That's time for a special news feature. American will be happy to answer your quiz. You go, feature article. That's time for a special news feature. What is torture? Well, I'll tell you what it's not, Andy. It's not anything that we're involved in at the moment.

In fact, that should be the new dictionary definition of torture. That, which we do not do. The Oxford English Dictionary shouldn't have put it better themselves. They turns out that when you put real pressure onto it, the word torture is a lot more bendy than it actually claims to be. That's ironic. It's been rendered completely meaningless now, torture, and with the word torture currently incapacitated, other words have been promoted to fill the void.

So simulated drowning, we here is now enhanced interrogation, slapping an inmate around their head is horseplay. Sleep deprivation is nocturnal insistence, and applying electrons to the testicles is turbo questioning. That sounds like the kind of euphemisms you get in rugby commentaries. For a little bit of argy-bargy as someone's head comes clean out of them all. That is pretty much what's happening at the moment in Congress. And Dana Perino, the US press secretary, said of all the secrecy around what we're actually doing to the suspect. She said, it's secret for a reason. It's not secret just because we want it to be secret.

It's secret because it's classified. Now that would seem like a topology at first, second and 19th glance, but look at it one more time, Andy, because it isn't. This government does not topologize. They would never do that to words. But the whole human rights angle is obviously quite a potent one in the war on terror. I know the whole issue of human rights is increasingly difficult because there are more humans in the world than ever before but unfortunately only the same number of rights to go around. So some people will miss out and don't blame the government, blame maths. And I guess human rights has become a bit like musical chairs and you've just got to hope that when the music stops your

chair doesn't have wires coming out of it. Absolutely, it's very important. Now also the American governments have argued that the reason that we should not reveal our torture or indeed not torture methods is that the enemy by finding out would train to withstand them, the enemy would adapt, they would adapt and they're absolutely right because if you beat them Andy, they will develop harder skin. If you shove their head in water, they will develop gills. Because apparently Andy, this is the one single area where Republicans do believe in evolution. The home front and the war on terror has been going tremendously well. The Chief of Metropolitan Police in London has worn that terroplots are growing, which is bad news, but I guess, you know, the pro-war movement,

so they will think how many more terroplots they would be if we hadn't stamped out so much of Al Qaeda and anti-Western fundamentalism by liberating Iraq. It's very hard to argue with that kind of logic. But so the government's been passing all these draconian laws as they have in America, they're now wanting to extend 28-day detention without trial. I thought they didn't apply to me, John, because I've taken the very sensible precaution of being white. So I'd assume that I was in the clear, but I found that they do actually apply to me when I accidentally committed a bit of terror. Just a couple of weeks ago I was walking through Westminster, innocently playing myself at scissors paper stone, as you do, when in the process

of doing scissors on stone, I found myself flicking a v-sign at the houses of parliament whilst brandishing my fist, which I thought could be considered an act of illegal protest within the one-kilometer exclusion zone of the home of democracy within which I'm no longer allowed to democratically protest without prior permission. So I thought I could be a terrorist. So I then stopped and searched myself under the new stop and search powers. I found myself to be in possession of a biscuit in the shape of the American flag, which I thought I might eat in quite an aggressive manner in an American's face.

So I then in turn myself without trial for several weeks, still felt a bit of a terrorist. I then flew myself on a secret CIA flight to an unspecified North African location, beat myself up quite badly, submerged myself up to my neck and water, and mercilessly lampooned my own love of cricket. Now at the end of that, of course, it turned out that I wasn't actually a terrorist. But John, it just goes to show, doesn't it? It really does. You really do love your country, Andy, and you want to keep it safe from yourself. I do. I think, you know, I know I was innocent, but the point is, I didn't know that until I found it out. Exactly. Government in Britain and America have admitted some mistakes have been made,

and it's a war mistake,'s all going to be made. I guess they could say that if you want to make an omelette, you've got to crack some eggs. But you do also have to cook those eggs, which it does help if you have planned at least a basic omelette cooking recipe in advance of cracking the eggs. And all they've done particularly in Iraq is jump up and down on the eggs and now they're wondering why the Iraqis want musley for breakfast. It's a dreadful omelet, worse than anyone could have invoked. Now it's time for the Bugles Unique Audio Cryptic Crossword.

Each week for the next 26 weeks, the Bugle will contain a clue for its unique, cryptic audio crossword. The grid is available on the website timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle including as a special introductory offer two free letters to get you started. So you have to fill in your answer each week and then next April anyone who successfully completed the entire crossword will win the right to treat themselves to a cup of tea. successfully completed the entire crossword or win the right to treat themselves to a cup of tea. So here is the first clue one across for the crossword pay attention it's eight letters long bangers made by wise men all around America the cheap ones make and tame pig's testicles and that is a great

section of the bugle to, listen to, while sitting on the toilet. Business news now. Crisp manufacturers have been accused of putting too much salt in their crisps, thus damaging the health of children. Those manufacturers have hit straight back by merely pointing out, all we're trying to do is make your children easier to float. We're heroes. Next time little Timmy falls into the canal and Bob's straight back up to the surface, we expect a strongly worded thank you letter from you ungrateful hippies.

The FTSE 100 index fell by a record 4138. yesterday morning. After traders across the world realised that the whole of the global economy is based on increasingly ludicrous speculation about non-existent financial fantasies, and that their entire existence is essentially futile. However, the market recovered in the afternoon, when they remember that they simply don't care. The US this week announced the federal budget deficit fell to 162 billion the lowest in five years. However, the national debt is still 9 trillion the largest in the world, and yet you don't see Africa donning drop the debt risk bands for them, do you? All we want is a bit of consistency.

UGLE UTS AND ENTERTAINMENTS And the awards are a vapid self-serving exercise in futility at the very best of times, but with the Nobel Prize season upon us, the world really has been a buzz with speculation as to who will take the prize for physics. Now of course, as we know, in the end, it went to Albert Fair and Peter Grunberg for their discovery of the giant magneto-resistance. You sound, you sound the way you said that John, sounds like you've almost never heard of giant magneto-resistance. Well, not only have I heard of it Andy, I thought of it first. Oh did you?

Yeah, and if it wasn't for Furt and Grumburg chasing gongs, I'd be standing in front of the Nobel Prize Committee today saying yes, yes, take that Grumburg, take that Furt. But Furt, Furt upon receipt of his award screamed, on King of the Worlds before being dragged off the stage, whilst Grunberg simply burst into tears and thanked God and the Nobel Committee. Their invention was credited with revolutionising hard disk technology, and I read on the internet

that without it, you would not be able to store more than one song on your iPod. Now this raises two issues. One, why does anyone need more than one song? Surely born on the bio by Credence Clearwater Revival should be more than enough for anyone. And B, let us assume that Apple, true business folk that they have proved themselves to be, would not have marketed a one-song capacity iPod, albeit that it probably would have looked really nice and have been a bit of a fashion accessory.

Well, it would have been user-friendly as well been a bit of a fashion accessory. Well it would have been user friendly as well, very user friendly Andy. But it is reaching very exciting stage now the Nobel Prize as we now know all the winners and the draw has been made for the knockout stages to get the eventual Nobel champion and science has been drawn against peace. Home advantage could be crucial if it's any chemistry lab I know who my money's on although they have been testing peace on animals recently. True. And it just doesn't work. It's almost as if they don't want to get on. Now in this troubled world, Andy, it is often difficult to find ways to be proud to be British. But if any of the listeners would like one of those ways, look up Doris Lessing upon her realisation

that she'd won the Nobel Prize for Literature because she was out shopping with her husband and she was coming back in a taxi to be greeted by a flank of American photographer saying, you've won the Nobel Prize for Literature, how do you feel? She and her arty choke wielding husband looked slightly crestfallen. She said, oh Christ, really? Oh. And then tried to shove her way into her own house. It was a magnificent exercise in ingratitude. That is Britain at its grudging best. That's what we do best, looking slightly sour and snobbing the rest of the world. That is, that's what one of the war really. Pretty much.

That's basically their reaction when we heard that Hitler had invaded Poland. Oh bloody hell! Ah! ruin my afternoon. And we also have our guest book reviewer of the week. This week, our special guest reviewer is Osama Bin Laden, the prominent

terrorist, and he has chosen his nonfiction book of the SOFAR. When it comes to paperback nonfiction, my book of the SOFAR is The Revenge of Guyor by Ace Science with James Lovelock, published by Penguin, priced £8.99, although my book club members can play the two-pound discount if when ordering, they cat a wall, death to the waist. According to Lovelock's 240 attractively-leared outpages, the planet is already doomed. As you may all well know, I'm always in favour of extreme approaches, so Lovelock certainly butters my literary muffins, albeit that his insistence at the end of the world is not, makes me feel that I've

rather been wasting my time. His persuasive pro-style reminiscent of a young, Jenny Colgan certainly made me think hard about looking into sustainable forms of terrorism. I give it an alkyd a rating of four burning inferdils. Cheerio! burning inferniles. Giorgio. Who have been seen in Fettie? Sport now, and if my life is anything to go by some podcast listeners, might want to listen to this before the rest of the podcast. The big story in world sport this week has been a Marion Jones handing back her Olympic gold medals from the Sydney Olympics. John, I would imagine America has quite literally been tearing itself limb from limb over this story.

Well, America is ashamed of itself or herself over this one. And yet, are we going to keep letting sports people hurt us and disappoint us in this way, Andy? Because all their ton of do when you ball it down is get better at athletics. And what you have to bear in mind, Andy, is that sizes have discovered humans have reached their peak in terms of athletics without the use of band substances. And we all knew this day would one day arrive. I don't think anyone thought we would honestly live to see the day where a man would attempt

to break the no second barrier in the 100 meters. Unless that man was 100 meters long, in which case get a urine sample out of him, that man is cheating. Oh, yeah, when I was a schoolboy, I ran the hundred meters in 3.8 seconds. Is that on drugs? I was in a car.

But you were cheating by driving at three years old. There was nothing explicit in the laws of school sports day that I wasn't allowed to get a lift up the track? Well, the rules were made after that race. But the Olympic Committee have a bit of a problem here in that the woman who came second to Marion Jones was Thano, the Greek runner who subsequently missed the 2004 Olympics in a drug scandal. So the goal would have to go to the woman who came third, who no one can remember who it was, because they didn't write it down at the time.

So I think what's going to happen is they're actually going to have to have a rerun and get all the finalists back in the stadium, in Sydney, with all the people who were there at the time to recreate that moment as accurately as possible. But I think it is good that sporting injustices are now being rectified retrospectively because sport is littered with unjust results personally. I think it is time for Germany to accept that it had no right to win the 1954 football World Cup

and to give it to Hungary, who are clearly the better team and had Purskos not been fouled out of the final would of won. That's true. I'd like to see that result overturned also Stephen Henry beating Jimmy White in 92 and 94 in the World Championships. I think he should hand those back. He can keep 93, no complaints, 18-5, even Jim Lee's most ardent supporters couldn't argue that he deserved that one. Well I think there should be a fairytale rule there Andy, you can appeal under the fairytale rule

that you should have won that match. To me, John, the surprising thing though, is that, so you look at Jones' times, they were good, but they weren't that outstanding, and it suggests to me that in the 80s, they were much better at doping athletes than they are now, and I think these doping scientists have really been taken at easy for too long, and the level of cheating in athletics now is really substandard. Look at that, all world record still stands me 80s flow joe these Germans Kratzhoffsweeler the famous Czech 800 meter runner. No one's even come close. Yeah, but I didn't have to learn that one. But these German scientists and the they were researching performance in hearts in drugs on steroids. So I'm afraid

I'm afraid their drugs are no longer admissible. The thing is sport is judged much more hearted than other areas of life in which, you know, I think we'd be in favor of performance in heart-sing drugs. So if you gave them to the police to make them to take crime more efficiently, we'd all be in favor of that. And, you know, we shouldn't be too judgmental.

Churchill himself actually tested positive posthumously for Nandralone. And his family claims it was from a legitimate dietary supplements, but I'm afraid the UN does operate strict liability on these things and we are going to have to hand back World War II. Oh, no. Oh, that is shameful. He used to be England's greatest Britain and now he would disgrace.

Now, in the rugby world cup, we are recording this on Friday so we're going to have to guess what's happened in the England, France semi-final on Saturday. I think we can safely say that either England will have triumphantly rampaced into yet another World Cup final after siding their way through an obliterated French team with a display of total rugby, seldom seen in the history of humanity, or that France will have sneaked their way into a freakishly fortuitous victory on the back of cheating, luck and hometown refereeing. One of those two will almost certainly have happened. Absolutely, I am certain of one thing and less certain of another.

I am absolutely certain that Phil Vickery will have eaten one of the French players during the game. I am just not sure who. He was overheard in the canteen asking the chef to develop a resource that would be nice with Olivier Milleau. But in a way that's just what the French team would be expecting. Yeah, well, yeah, because that's a front row, but I mean, it'd be more interesting where he'd try and eat Yannick Josie or a cent of it.

And that's logistical problem because Josie has got a lot quicker than him. And notoriously reluctant to be eaten. Sports shorts now. The goalkeeper for Fiji was banned from New Zealand this week due to sanctions linked to a coup. And whittling down your opponent's team through historical research has already caught on. At a time of recording, England had traced the family trees of the French rugby union players, meaning that the entire French scrum was set to be banned due to guillotine-related infractions during the

French Revolution. What's an infraction, John? Oh, it is the use of a guillotine in an illegal way. Right, okay. That's a technical sport in terms. You can use it to dice carrots otherwise it's a sin bin. Football, a memorial service for Jose Mourinho's time in charge at Chelsea, will be held at St Petersen the Box, full on Saturday, the 20th of October. Iron Robin will read from 4.5.1, the death of football, poems on the pragmatism of football business. Please don't send flowers, donations to the European Institute for the eradication of sporting romanticism.

And finally some results. Bullying in the European Super Cup, Wilkastor High School beat the Squallade-Santis-Gillacci in Naples, 1813, a hat trick of Chinese burns by young Matty Silverback for Wilkastor there, very promising young Thug indeed, and some excellent verbal bullying by Natasha Filders caused two Italian girls to join a convent. And finally in Greco-Roman architecture, the path and on beat Hadrian's Wall, 3-0. Oh, bit of an upset. And now it's time for the Bugle weather forecast. So John, what do you think of the weather's going to be like this week?

Oh, I think it's probably going to be a bit sunny still, bit sunny, you know, with probably a bit of a nip in the air. Now, I think it's going to be dank and wet. Well, let's see who was right next week. We're just going to have to agree to disagree. In next week's Google, what are China up to these days? The US election, everything's going to be fine, and a live report from the European tantrum foreign championships. Its quarter final stage can Britain flip their lids more convincingly than when they fail to get properly rolled by not being allowed seconds of pudding at a world championships last year. So join us next Monday and every Monday for next week's bugle.

Well it won't be next week's bugle every Monday. That will also be next week, although by then the following week will have become next week. Okay, so... So, John's point stands. Yeah. Also, on the website, at www.fimesonline.com, you can see what would have been the print edition of the bugle had England's not inconsiderately reached the World Cup rugby semi-final and had to have a pull-out about them. They're by removing the bugle pull out. But anyway, there it is. It's all there in all its sparkling

technical color glory on the website. Bye. Have a lovely week.