The Bugle - Australia joins Europe?

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

Joining Andy on this week's issue of The Bugle is Nish Kumar and Tom Ballard, as they discuss Australia set to joining the EU, News of American Space Weapons, and AI that can create poetry better than some of the greats? Plus, Ed Sheeran & Macklemore controversy and Religion News, as Nottinghamshire parish told its 940-litre ‘portable immersion baptistery’ plan has no theological basis! All this and more in issue 4391 of The Bugle.🇦🇺 Australia join Europe: The trio delve into the news that Australia are set to join the EU 🐷 US Space Weapons: The Bugle reports on the latest from the American Space Military plans 🎸 Ed Sheeran in Hot Water: Andy, Nish and Tom report the latest on Ed Sheeran's & Macklemore controversy Andy's Links: https://www.andyzaltzman.co.uk/Nish Kumar's Links: https://www.nishkumar.co.uk/Tom Ballard's Links: https://tomballard.com.au 🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Paper for a visual world. Right, here we go. Don't fuck it up. One of the worst things you can say to us. Hello buglers and welcome. You've already f***ed it up. The first thing you said was, don't fuck this up and you've already fucked it up. Okay, yeah.

Physician heal thyself. Before we get into the episode properly, let me explain what the setup is here. We're in a different studio. We are in the way of modern podcasting. There's no desk. There's no desk. We're all sitting here with laptops on our laps. I mean, is this progress?

There's loads of cameras everywhere, which is not emphatically not why I got into podcasting. Haven't even had my hair done or my scalp polished. So, and I'm here with, for the second week in a row, Nish Kumar, and for the first week in a row, live in person, before he heads south of the winter and or summer, Tom Ballard. It's Tom Ballard, yes.

Hello to both of you. Hello, they do you look great? Thanks, thanks. I mean, normally you could say it. Normally it looks like shit. Simpler days on podcasting, you could say that. No one would know whether you were being shitting or not, and now people can check for themselves.

Sure. And they will never trust you again. They can tell it being polite. I can't believe I'm back. Two weeks in a row. Is it because of mass outcry in public demand? No. It's simple scheduling.

I was the only person available and free on a Monday afternoon. That's what they always say about me, Britain's most available comedian. Do you need someone to fill in at the last minute on your satirical podcast? You need niche. Does no one else want to work with Tom Bellard?

Get me some niche. Amazing the number of people who weren't available this week. We're also, the reason that there's no desk is we're actually recording at the studios of the production company Plosive that do two things. Well, they do one thing.

thing more than the other thing. But one of the two things they do is make off-menu. And so the off-menu podcast, a podcast I suppose by Ed Gamble and James A. Custer, where people talk about their favourite fucking dinners. Yeah, good plug. They need a shout-out. I believe in the words of myself, an exercise in white male privilege. It records in here.

They don't need desks, Andy. No. They don't need desks to remember dinners they've eaten. No. Also, the other thing that they do is promote my tours. They do lots of things. But the two things that have interested me are, they make. off menu and they promote my tours. So for the first

fucking time, we're actually recording in a bugle that has an enormous poster of me. Yeah. Nish, there's always a poster of you inside my heart. That's the important thing you need to know. That's really touching. There's a court case relating to that in the surgery. I'm one of the first organ tattooists. It's a sideline business, guys. It's late stage capitalism. You've got to have your side hustles.

Comedian. organ tattooist. Do you want a picture of Andy Zaltzman on one of your lungs through our new organ laser technology? We can achieve that dream. So when I did off-manue in this very room, I had a slight issue that talking about my favourite foods led to extremely audible stomach rumbling

throughout the podcast. And I will say it is a testament to the quality of the equipment that we have been provided within the studio. that they are able to provide, at Pelosi, please consider them for your podcasting needs, that you can hear that on the podcast.

It's discussed on the episode. So this is literally the off-menu rooms. It's very room. Yeah, I got an immediate text from Aycaster. We just had Dolsman on. His stomach kept rumbling every time. I said, that tracks? Yeah, that did.

Definitely track. That must have been so tough. You'd hate to look silly on a podcast. Getting back to the start of the show, issue 4,391 of the bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world with me, Andy Zaltum, this week in up to six dimensions. Your call, how many of them are you used,

just don't try them all at once. Now, we're recording on the 21st of September, 26. The 24th of September, this is an interesting one, marks exactly one week before my certifiable history show goes on pre-sale. Oh, my Lord. 1st of October. General On sale, Friday the 2nd of October.

Wow, you've changed, man. I've been told to change. If you, apparently, if you go to my website, Andy Zolson.com. You can sign up for a mailing list to get early access. I've been told to change by my agent and wife. Unfortunately, not the same person. The 22nd of...

September is National Elephant Appreciation Day. Oh. Yeah. They won't have forgotten it. So do your bit. You need to spend up to anything up to eight minutes. That's two minutes per tusk, one minute per ear and 30 seconds per leg, appreciating your nearest available elephant.

Or go online to appreciate an elephant.com where live streams of various brands of different elephants are available for you to do your appreciating. Ways you might like to consider appreciating your elephant include how they take the pressure off other animals, trying to set new records for biggest non-defunct land mammal. Also, you can appreciate them for hooks. If you enjoy using hooks, you use a hook? Yeah, I use a hook sometimes. Although I do generally tend to prefer to throw my coat directly on the floor.

But that's more to do with me being a sloppy dude. Well, if any of you enjoy hooks, thank the elephant, whose tusks inspired prehistoric humans to invent the hook, are somewhere to keep their flint-based tools, pelt-based scarves and keys. Other elephant-based inventions include the garden hose, the military tank and the flag, which was, of course, originally based on the elephant's ear. And also you can appreciate them because, well, as a species, we've outsourced the concept of memory to the internet and AI. But elephants have not done that.

They are the world's leading source of memory that is not vulnerable to the inevitable total internet shutdown that is coming our way. It's like giant USBs. Yeah, they are. The average elephant stores as much memory as a 64-gigabyte SD card. Wow. That's a fact. Is it? I don't know.

who knows the benzate measure it, isn't it? I've been told to change. No, I'm not, I'm changing something. I'm not changing everything. Do you think on Elephant Appreciation Day, the poachers say, like they just take a day off. Fair play to them, they're pretty good. They won't cut off their tasks and ground them up for our dicks.

Or just go unarmed. You know, mano, our mano. Yes. Mano are elephant. It's not a policy that a lot of groups adopt. Like, from what I can understand, misogynists don't have the day off on International Women's Day. If anything, actually, they seem to go into double time.

I'm slightly concerned that that means poachers are going to do double the poacher. When's International Poacher Appreciation Day? How about that? As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Now, last week, I mentioned the section in the bin was itself in the bin. That section is in the bin until next week, but we do have a different section in the bin this week. which is exclusive serialisation of the latest royal book.

And we couldn't afford Earl Spencer's book because he wanted 50 quid and a copy of Nish's latest DVD. But instead, we have the new book from Viscount Snutterbridge, who's the fifth cousin of the current king. And his new book, Wins a sum, loser some. He details some of the incendiary of flashpoints in recent royal history, and we have exclusive serialisation rights here on the bugle, including excerpts such as

on their wedding day Charles wanted to wear his Superman outfit but the queen, a stickler for tradition insisted he dress up like a soldier instead Diana for her part dealt admirably with the length of her dress having been ordered in yards rather than inches it looked fucking ridiculous

dragging along the ground like a brontosaurus's penis but everyone did the British thing and pretended it was supposed to be that long excerpt two when the news of Charles and Diana's divorce was confirmed the queen punched the air in delight cartwheeled across the room and shouted knew it from day one.

Get Paul McCartney on the fucking phone. He goes to be 500 quid, people or not. And final excerpt. The BBC somberly broke the news that the Queen Mother had sadly, tragically passed away before her time at the age of just 101.

What the fuck are they talking about? said the Queen Mother, watching on incredulously. Sorry, Mummy, said the Queen. Had to be done. We can't have people asking how come we all live forever. If they find the secret bunker with the magic iguana plasma and the barrels of virgin penguin blood,

it'll be a PR nightmare. shit, said the Queen Mother. It's the fucking Grand National next weekend. I'm not missing that. Don't worry, Mum, said the Queen. We've sorted you out a place in Vegas with a big screen TV showing four different horse racing channels. Is there a jacuzzi, a pinball machine and a basketball hoop?

Of course there's a jacuzzi, a pinball and a basketball hoop. You'll love it there. Okay, Betsy darling, said the Queen Mother. I'll miss you. I'll miss you too. As much as it's possible for a Queen to miss someone. I'll see you in 20 years. And finally, well... It's amazing your made-up stuff about the Royal Family

is actually now less ridiculous. than the real stuff about the royal family. Like, obviously, that's deeply stupid, but there is a real member of the royal family who was BFFs with a turbo nuts. For international listeners, nonce is an English word that means paedophile. One final, final excerpt.

Charles was furious. He stalked around the room like a cage bear. Noul poise. How the fuck did I get Nul Poin? That song was fucking good. Anyway, that section is in the bin. Top story this week. Well, exciting news, Tom.

Australia is soon to join Europe. It's a big shift for the notoriously southern hemispherical continent. But it seems now inevitable that Australia will be joining Europe, quite how it will squeeze itself up the Suez Canal to latch yourself onto Greece. I mean, those are details that will be hammered out over the course of time. But, well, this is exciting times for your nation. Well, well. Look who got an invite to hang out with the cool countries.

Jealous much? EU? More like, A.U. We've had Brexit, the British exit. Now it's time for Strentry. Australian entry. It's great news, Andy. I'm so excited.

This is a big story that, yes, Australia, New Zealand could follow Canada as associate members of the EU. European Parliament president has been hinting. And it's fantastic for too long. Australia has been enjoying a free-meam membership with the EU. you get some trade deals but there's still a lot of ads. Upgrading to associate member is the first step on our way to EU Associate Plus. Then of course is EU Platinum and eventually we're hoping to get to EU's superdelegate status.

And that's exciting. If Australia can get to that level of Europeanness, there's a real chance that ordinary Australians will be able to regularly attend the theatre and read in public without being called gay. Of course, Associate Membership of the EU will Europeanise Australia, but our membership may also help Australianise. the EU. By 2030, under EU-A-U regulations, the French will be required to include vegamide in their pastries, all Italian cafes will have to serve flat whites, and Ursula Vondaline will be known as Ursula Lino. So we're pretty excited about the whole thing. This is a step forward for all humanity, this isn't it?

Yeah, this is, well, I will say it's a step forward for humanity. It might be a step backwards for Australia, because I have to say, joining the continent of Europe in 2026 is a bit like a men's football player joining Manchester United. It's trading on former glories. There's a vague sense that someone somewhere might be able to turn things around, but there's currently no money, and people are saying some deeply alarming right-wing things. Yeah, so the context for this is last Wednesday.

What was it, Erzi Lino? Erzio Lino. Pup Shiloh, Puff Shilah, that one. The head E.U. Shiler, I believe. Yeah, the head of you, Sheila, yeah. The head of you, Sheila, did her State of the European Union address. And just as a side note, before we get into the rump of what we're talking about, she opened that address by quoting Dickens, specifically the start of A Tale of Two Cities,

which is famously, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Now, the obvious response to that is, Ursula, how are you filling up that first column? Definitely I know how you're filling up the second column. There's Nazis back in Germany, and the war in Ukraine is raging on. But on the other hand, there's the French actress Leah Seitz. do and the concept of pasta. From what I could see. It was the worst of those. But yeah, as part of a joint address with Mark Carney,

Bond-Lane announced that there is this opening of a relationship between Canada and the EU and Canada, sort of now, I guess, like, a member without benefits from what I can tell. From what I can tell, it's a sort of reverse-fri-buddy situation. where they're actually just friends. That's my favourite wrestling move as well, that way. It's Osmond with another reverse my buddy. And now, so the strange thing about this is,

obviously it's interesting that Canada's joining, but are we now operating on Eurovision rules? Because is membership of the Eurovision's own contest now how you join the EU? because Canada is actually set to make its debut as a Eurovision country in 2027. Yeah. And if that is a president, we're about to have some pretty unwelcome new members to the EU. Benjamin Netanyahu was waiting in the wigs.

Because Australia joined Eurovision a while ago now. Oh, we're in there, baby. That's right. So this is what I mean. It's a trial scheme, it turns out. We're spreading out. We own a chunk of Antarctica, already in Eurovision. Now we're going to the EU.

There's a lot of talk of us joining NATO. Let's spread out even more. I'm loving for Australia to become part of the Middle East, all right? Fuck your two-state solution, three states, the third one being Petro Australia. We're a US client state whose economy is fundamentally relying on destroying the planet too. We're going to fit right in. Although the application of no worries to the Middle East, I think would help. So, Nish, I mean, why do you think it is, just from the Canadian perspective,

that now in the January 25 to January 29 period of North American history, Canada should be looking thousands of miles across a large ocean for economic and political companionship rather than working with, for example, the USA. Why do you think that? Well, I'll respond to that question by telling you a story from my personal life, Andrew. Many years ago, I attended a house party at a friend of mine's house, and they just moved into this new house, and they were hoping that people would sort of gather in the living room area.

The living room area was quite close to the bathroom, and a man arrived before everybody else, which is sort of not really du rigour in House Party etiquette. And he did what can only be described as the mother of all dumps. He took an absolute colonic nightmare out on the cistern of that toilet. What it had the unintended effect of doing was forcing everybody to hang out in the kitchen. Now, why I'm telling you that story is Donald Trump is the man. The dump is everything that he's done in the last few years.

And now everybody is fleeing to the kitchen, brackets, European Union. And also you are the men in that story. Amazingly, amazingly, I'm not because I know about my Colonic history and I always do my business in my own house. I never leave home without having made a significant... I'm like the

Star Destroyer in Star Wars where it has to just do a physical dump before it can move off at all. Thank you for owning up to your Colonic History. It's important we have that. We need a truth-telling process about the Nish Kumar Colomac history I think we need to reckon with our past

in order to move forward. They do record Colonic History podcast on this story. It's the latest growth area in the industry. That's the new off-menu spin-off, I believe. It's off-off menu. Out-menu. Yeah, it does seem like Donald Trump has now behaved in such a way

that it is unappealing for people in the continent of North America to be part of the continent of North America. Mexico was applied to join Sweden. I mean, I guess one possible stumbling block for this might be that associate membership status doesn't actually exist. It doesn't mean anything. So they're going to have to make it up.

So it's short of full membership of the EU, so you won't necessarily have Brussels bureaucrats making you have identically shaped carrots, banning you from humming in public, enjoying picnics and having erotic dreams about Elizabeth I'm first and forcing you to speak German in the week and French at the weekend. It's like we did here. Must stop reading the telegraph.

It could mean closer regulatory alignment. I mean, that must be very exciting for Australia as a nation. It loves close regulatory alignment, isn't it? Woo! Does that answer your question? Yeah, I mean, if that doesn't give the people of Australia and New Zealandia the absolute mercantile haul, I just don't know what will. We do call people in Queensland banana benders.

Now, is that going to be an issue with your whole banana thing that we have? I know that was quite a big to do. What I don't understand is, so Mark Carney was at the European Union with Ursula von der Leyen. So it sort of makes sense that, you know, Karnie's seat. in close to economic and political ties with the EU because Trump keeps threatening, to be absolutely fair, to invade Canada. So, you know, Cardi's like, well, I think we've got to look elsewhere

for friendship at this point. But it does make sense that that announcement happened. But As well, D'SRefon Delaine, also then just seems to have started freestyling and naming countries. As far as I know, Australia and New Zealand have not applied to join the European Union. What we're saying now is, we're opening the door, we want to start the conversation. You're in the EU.

You're in the EU. Now, if Canada is an associate member of the EU and the US invades Canada, does NATO then defend Canada against the US? I think what everyone's hoping is that AI will destroy us all the before we get to that, that awkward, insoluble problem. It just seems like a lot of the plans are contingent on, we're not going to be here in 25 years. Sure.

You should be the EU. Yeah, yeah. Denmark, you're in Asia. Who cares? It's not going to matter when we're all dead. Thailand's on the moon. Liverpool, congratulations. You're in space.

Well, I'm just saying breaking news, actually, that Canada will move, we'll replace Switzerland in the middle of Europe. That's going to be, that's very much a square peg in a round hole vis-a-vis land mass. I know, it's going to require a bit of condensing areas such as Manitoba, I believe.

Switzerland is relocating to North America and the Canadian singer Celine Dion who of course represented Switzerland in the Eurovision song contest will be anchored halfway across the Atlantic singing power ballads at passing ships. So that's what Trump has brought about now. If we're trying to do a one-to-one swap, have we considered swapping Canada for Russia?

That does make sense. It's a close a landmark. It's geographically the same. Yeah, there's a lot of geographical stuff in common. It's a closer landmass match than Canada to Switzerland. And also, I just think Putin and Trump, better neighbours. It's more suited. They're more suited to each other. They can invade each other.

That's fantastic. So yeah, exciting times for us as a species made more exciting by an announcement this week from America. Now, for those you who have long thought that people in power in America are a bunch of Muppets. This week, they've confirmed in the past week that they have put pigs in space. And those pigs are not ordinary pigs. They're military weapons. They're not pigs.

They're weapons. So weaponry in space, I guess the question that arises from that is what could possibly go wrong with the militarization of space. It's great news, Andy. I've always said my only problem with war is that it's too terrestrial. I, for one, I've delighted. We've now developed the technology to explore new frontiers in killing each other. I haven't watched Star Trek in a while.

I'm pretty sure that was the gist. U.S. Secretary of the Air Force, Troy Mink, said the on-orbit weapon was necessary to safeguard U.S. forces against hostile enemy action. First of all, why is the Air Force getting involved? There's no air in space, you idiot. You're completely out of your depth. Secondly, can I suggest that if people hate you so much that you're having to launch weapons into the atmosphere to stop them trying to kill you from space, maybe it's time to do a little bit of self-reflection? Maybe, to quote Reddit, am I the asshole? The Air Force Secretary, Troy E, Mike, M-E-I-N-K, and I think Trump got five letters into his name

and thought he sounds like that guy. Yeah, so Mink said the on-orbit weapon was necessary to safeguard US forces against hostile enemy action. But we don't actually know what the way weapons capabilities are, or in fact, when it was put in orbit, though I guess it's a safe bet that it was something to do with Trump announcing

that the Space Force now had an attacking component rather than just a purely defensive one last year. And I mean, when you think about it, you think why on earth would they be launching weapons in space? And you're thinking about this all in the wrong way. You're thinking about this as if it's an extension of the military, but actually, it's border security. We've had years of a US government

trying to secure the land borders with Mexico and with those goddamn newly minted Europeans in Canada. but there is a huge border in the sky above America. And we do not know how many space immigrants are crossing that border and landing in the United States of America. My current theory is that basically someone has shown Pete Hegseth the film Independence Day, and now the US military is going to carry out a preempted strike on space.

Yeah, so we don't know exactly what these weapons are. My guess, not a sword. Probably not a long bow either. But, and experts have said, you know, it's going to be hard to stop the militarisation of space. There are various international treaties banning weapons and mass destruction in orbit. But there is a problem here. And there's a famous saying, isn't there, in space, no one can hear you scream. Aristotle, I think originally said that.

So if you can't hear people scream, you certainly can't hear lawyers pointing out technicalities of international law. So I think this is the loophole that America is seeking. And also, I mean, this is surely the tip of the iceberg. I mean, clearly space will soon be jam-packed with enough nukes to blow us all to Pluto. But giant orbiting Guantanamo Bay by the end of the year, that seems almost inevitable. I just, I know, I hate to keep harping on about this, because obviously we understand what happened. But there was a long period in the 2024 elections aftermath where sort of pundits and commentators said, the problem with the Democratic Party was they got distracted by issues that do not mean,

lot to the lives of most Americans, and they did not focus on affordability. And now, Trump has not done anything to ease the affordability crisis in the US and has declared war on space. I just think there is a problem when you operate in an environment where there is a scrutiny deficit and right-wing candidates are scrutinized in a different way. Because even if you believe that the Democrats got sidetracked by irrelevant issues, this has decided he wants to nuke E.T. Well, look, Nish, if you're saying that the Greenland issue or the Gulf and Mexico issue has not put food on the plates of ordinary struggling Americans, then that's merely your opinion. The price of gas is directly affected by the name of the Kennedy Center.

We all know that. That's why it's called the Kennedy Center Index. I think you're being very naive here, Nish. The US Space Force says China develops and operates space and counter space capabilities as part of a military modernisation strategy, while Russia views space as a war-fighting domain and believes space supremacy will be a decisive factor in future conflicts. And we know that Russia already has a tactical advantage over us when it comes to space,

having spent decades sending battalions of dogs and monkeys on there to stand by and wait for further orders. It's a real threat, Andy. Putin can barely cope with the land war that is right. I really don't know if Russia currently has the capacity to declare. their war on aliens. Musicians getting dragged into global conflicts news now.

And Ed Sheeran, the County of Suffolk's furious response to Bob Dylan, not coming from Suffolk, has been... I really took the fact that Dylan was not from Suffolk, very badly. Shearin has been dragged into a global dispute that has turned friend against friend,

parents against children, nation against nation, rapper against middle of the road, bland pop megastard. Ginger against non-Ginger. Fans of faux Irish sort of music against billionaire and corporate hyperpowers. This shit is serious. I know this is a much more serious news story

and we will definitely talk about it in detail. But before we do, I'm fascinated to know. What is your awareness or knowledge of Ed Shearing? What was it going into this week? Well, look, I looked up, I looked him up on Wittip. Obviously, I'm aware of his existence. I believe he's been on Test Match Special. as a dress, although I wasn't there

the day that he did it. So I know he's a cricket fan, so I'm cutting him some slack. He's also a fellow redhead. Yes, fellow redhead. Look, the music of his that I've consciously heard not, it's not leapt up my playlist. I mean,

largely, I mean, there's a couple of things going against him. One is that he's not been dead at least 50 years. Yeah, that makes it quite hard. He's a huge disability. He's not a blues musician. From the pre-Second World War era. So I'm eagerly awaiting his blues phase, which may come with the reflection that he has after this incident

may turn him more bluesy. Can I say, as a fellow fan of blues music, I am not looking forward to the truth of the blues face. I'd like to get that on the record. So, you look, I'm not an officiator of his complete oeuvre. You might not mean to blues, but he has recently sold he's soul to the devil. So, look, he seems to have made and built his career on trying to be as inoffensive as possible to as many people as possible simultaneously.

And he's done that extremely well. But he's now been drawn into a dispute, which covers issues ranging from sort of free speech, corporate interference in the arts, the Israel-Palestine conflict, the legal definition of genocide, how literally we should take all the stuff in the Bible, human rights, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, Zionism, and whether Benjamin Netanyi. who does or doesn't have Mac or more on his Spotify playlist. And he's got sort of drawn into this against his will, and by not saying anything about it initially seemed to make things considerably worse for him. Whereas previously that's been a strategy that has served him pretty well. So Tom, I know you are our music of Suffolk origin correspondent here on the Bugle.

What's your take on this story? Pleasure to finally draw my expertise. Yes, I mean, I'm sure by now people are aware of the story. McIntyre says Free Palestine on stage. He plays his song, which is quite famous for supporting protesters at Columbia University. His position on the Israel-Gaza conflict has been no secret. But then, of course, he dared to actually say that on stage. He was kicked off the tour.

Then people got angry Ed Sheeran because, of course, he didn't stand by his friend. But he sort of, he did his first show by himself over the weekend in Philadelphia, and he gave a very tearful apology. Some people have boycotted this show, so there was, lot of empty seats and I just thought, wow, empty seats and a lot of crying. Takes me back to the last week of Edinburgh free. Some reports that the ticket prices for the tour have now been slashed by up to 50%. However, they still do remain like Palestine, not free.

I love Ed Sheeran's like, hey, it was the promoter. Blame the promoter, not me, defense. Guys, don't blame me. How could I? Ed Sheeran possibly expected to have any influence over the Ed Sheeran tour. I know wherever I'm on tour, I can never. never get that Tom Ballard guy to do anything. Hey, I'd love to be better at comedy, but I can't get anything past me. You know what I'm like? If I could change my mind, I would, but I and me

just don't say how do I this stuff. I'm afraid my hands are tired and so are mine. It's, yes, it's amazing how many different facets of global news and global history have come into the focus of our tune. And I guess, listen, there are those of us who believe that what's happening in Palestine is a genocide, and there are other people that do not agree with that. And I think for once we can all be united in our mutual horror that we've both had to respectively pretend we enjoy the music of McElmore and Ed Children. Let's just, let's just, let's just take a second to observe the things that we still have in common. McElmore said on stage that a big piece, this is a direct quote from New Jersey.

A big part of the reason why I wanted to do this tour in the first place is so that I could stand up in stadiums like this and say two words they're very, very dear to my heart, free Palestine. He then performed a song dedicated to pro-Palestinian protesters at Columbia University. Now, you would sort of think that's pretty, that's pretty weak source. Like in terms of things that you could have a whole tour cancelled overdoing. But clearly, you don't live in the mind of the billionaire Robert Croft, who immediately lost his fucking mind and was absolutely furious and demanded that. Shear and removed Macckelmall from the tour.

Shearin did that and then all the other support acts also immediately fucked off, including an Irish trad band who presumably do not exactly have the capital reserves to withstand giving up the amount of work that they've just turned down. So, you know, there's a lot of impressive stuff going on. And Shearin did appear in Philadelphia over the weekend to do his return gig and there was no support act, which is a real shame. Because the next support act Ed Shearan has has the opportunity to pull one of the greatest pranks in human history. especially if he's performing at the stadiums owned by Robert Kraft because that's the issue Kraft owns a number of the stadiums and he's personally made the decision that Mac and Walker and Ivan what you do is you go in

you say to Ed, I'm going to support you on tour no problems. Then you sit down with Robert Kraft and Robert Kraft says, listen, you can only do these gigs if you don't say the words free Palestine. You say absolutely Robert Kraft, there is no way I will not say

the words free Palestine and then you immediately got on stage and sing the words free Palestine to the tune of an Ed Shearin song. It was a full show. paper view. I'm in love with repairless time. And then intermittently shout, a singer's not a say, Crafty. I should just for clarification say that's Robert Kraft, not Robert Croft, the former

Glamorgan and England, off spinner. Just for legal purposes, we have to be absolutely clear on that. Why are you saying, what's the point in you saying that? The only person who remembers Robert Croft that listens to this podcast is me and I'm on the podcast. Of course I remember Robert Croft, wonderful offspinner. So, Maclemore. for those unfamiliar

of his Erfair including myself including the person speaking right now is an American rapper and bugle sceptic not a single

positive reference of the paper any of his songs and I've played them all forwards and backwards well that's his anti-semitism under Slagraph

and I mean he has dressed in questionable clothing in the past for sure but I mean I guess it comes down to this

this, you know, the reason this withdrawal happened, one of the, you know, the grounds are billionaires, of whom, you know, Croft is a, you know, enthusiastic member of the club. Yeah. You've actually Freud and slipped and said Croft there. Croft. Robert Croft. Is Robert Croft now

a billionaire stadium over? County cricket and play, he does quite a bit commentary, but I don't think he's cracked a billion yet. Robert Croft, so billionaires, might be able to buy everything. Yeah, basically. stadiums, space rockets, the concept of reality,

the intellectual property rights of all musicians, past, present and future seemingly, solid gold naked statues of themselves to gaze lovingly out in their bathrooms while stroking a drowning cat. But these people, they cannot buy freedom of speech. So you've read that must biography. But I mean, this whole kind of issue of corporate interference in the arts

is quite thought, obviously, on the bugle. we don't really even promote ourselves, let alone anyone else. Hey, you can't say that this week. On the week when I've seen you up to the words pre-sale. Yes, yeah, good point. But you did so with the full confidence, the same level of confidence, I should say,

that you said the words McElmore. Well, I didn't think there was a BBC newsreader last night. This is quite far into the story who has clearly been doing the hourly bulletin, called him Maclemore. Which, I thought, I mean, maybe everyone's been getting it wrong up until then. You'd think as a news really, you'd have just tuned into a few other bulletins to hear everyone else to slaying these. Oh, the shark has pearly teeth dear.

It's at my gig, the Hackney Empire, as part of my ongoing tour, post-sale tickets are available. I don't know if that. What's the opposite of pre-sail? The tickets are available for sale now. At my gig, I made some reference to the Edgier in McElmore situation. And a man put up his hand and said, why don't you bring up Robert Kraft's charges for prostitution in 2019? Now, I don't really have much to learn about that.

I'm not sure Robert Craft's a great guy. I don't know what the full situation is on that legal case. But I'm telling you that story because it illustrates the level of sycophancy in my comedy audience. Like, I'm getting heckled, but only by people who are saying, I've got further information. Not only do I agree with that, I've actually got something to add to it. People are yelling requests. Like, Duran, Duran. I think we've been saying, Shearhan, ends up in handling it.

Well, the initial statement he put out online, that was sort of torn to shreds. Then at this show, he gave an apology at the side of the gig. But then later in the show, he apologized for doing that apology, which really undercut his initial apology, which is outrageous. And I think he should apologize. But he said, this concert is still a place where everyone is welcome, and everyone here can stand beside people that have opposing views, and everyone can stand beside people that they don't agree without everything,

but they can all agree on singing these songs. Yes, everyone is welcome at this concert, who have opposing views and can sing their songs. In terms and conditions apply. Everyone is just an expression, and everyone should not be taken literally, doesn't actually apply to everyone. Some people are not welcome here there. Israel is a right to defend itself.

Frischop is a terrible song. It's such a funny week to say, everyone is welcome. Everyone's welcome here. That's the one thing that everyone can agree on is that there is a specific person who is not welcome. I also, I couldn't believe this, I gets snowballed into other parts of his career. Ireland's classic hits radio has announced

it is removing Sheeran's music from its playlists because of feedback from listeners who would express disappointment and concern over his US tour. Shearin was raised in England, but has said he identifies culturally as Irish. And I've got to say, reading that really brought out my inner J.K. Rowling and grey linner.

This is bullshit. Trans-Irishism isn't real. These people are sick. They're a threat to our children. You are biologically English, you red-headed fuck. Rumors that Sheeran was the result of a laboratory experiment to crossbreed polar bears with foxes remain unconfirmed to this day. Is this a good time to plug the fact that I'm supporting him on the rest of the tour?

What? No! Brains news now. And, well, this is very exciting. Scientists have developed, I'm going to call it how I see it, a half-mouse, half-human brain inside a mouse's head.

The, so they've adapted mouse brains with functioning human cells, the result of which is that the mice started to argue, gamble, fight amongst each other, needlessly fret about their appearance post-meaningless shit on social media and take football too seriously.

Now, the scientist is involved, obviously, and justifiably claim, this could be a crucial breakthrough in testing potential world-changing treatments for human-specific psychiatric and neurological conditions and that these are not, quotes, mice that think like humans. But all everyone else is thinking is, mutant human-mouse cross-breed super species will soon be stalking the world. Yeah, teenage mutant ninja mouse. Yeah.

We nibbling at the cheese, shitting uncontrollably. wreaking violent vengeance on the broader cat community. I mean, this was thrown open the floodgates to Pandora's box full of cans of worms that will gourd to themselves on the apples that themselves are being nested in by hornets whilst being poked by sleeping bear. I mean, there's no way to... There's no way to stop this now, is there? This is...

They've started this journey. Listen, I hate to be that guy, by which I mean, a guy who does not understand science, but insists on watching science fiction movies and jumping to wild conclusions. But this is almost the exact. plot of one of the planet of the apes films. It is almost the exact plot of rise of the planet of the apes where they're trying to investigate, they're trying to do tests on monkey's brains to help cure humans of degenerative neurological disorders and they invent the planet of the apes.

What I'm saying is we are, I think, 150 years away from Charlton Heston having to use the phrase, get your paws off and me, you goddamn dirty mouse. Which I will say is not going to have quite the same ring to it. And the makeup effects are going to look even worse. I'm sure the mice are stoked with this news as well. Like, oh, cool, another way for you to experiment as I'm fucking sick. I've already got a goddamn ear on my back. And now you've messing around with my brain?

By all means, give me more capacity to feel the emotions and the damage that you're doing to, those emotions by the experiments you're conducting on me. I guess on the positive side, if we can put human brains into mouse heads, can it work the other way around? Can we put implant mouse brains into human skulls? I don't know if you've seen any Joe Rogan recently, Andy,

but I believe some experiments have been conducted in that area. Well, I would just think, you know, the mouse is renowned for its, you know, it's cowardice. I mean, you know, are you man or mouse? Yeah. But maybe this is what the world needs. But actually, the better answer is mouse. We'd have a less aggressive planet.

And Ed Shearer wouldn't have to worry about what he says because everyone would just be... Also, I'd love to speak up for the mouse community here, Andy. you and I live in London. That means we get the London Underground. That means we've seen some of the London Underground mice. Those cunts aren't scared of shit. They're all over the tube platform, all over the tube platform. And you will often find yourself standing there waiting for a tube next to a human being.

And on the other side, a mouse. And the mouse is essentially behaving in the exact same way as a human being. Just looking at you going, fuck you now. Trappled on the northern line again. Tell me something. I don't know, don't know. Yeah, they're always smoking too, are they? They're always smoking a cigarette.

Fuck me. Jesus Christ. Artetta needs to open this Arsenal team up. Jesus Christ. Stuart Little was a c-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah, I will say, Stuart Little, it's good that movie set in New York because the London equivalent is a much darker movie.

It's a sort of get-carta affair. It's a tough time for London, London mice at the moment, I'm in a simple hole in the skirting board of a London house now. You're looking at 25 grand. That's a lot of money. If you're a mouse in particular. These poor Gen Z mice have to wait until their boomer mice parents are dead

in order to inherit the hole under the skirting board in my house. Well, if only they weren't eating so many fucking avocados. They've sorted out. In other brain news, scientists have discovered that the human brain is in fact two separate organs so rather than being one organ think of it more like

I don't know testicles and the shoulder is that what they say is the shoulder an organ it is now you already have two testicles what hell are you talking about ironically they are just one organ people think they're two

the human brain consists of Two ancient nervous systems, quote, cleverly packaged together that have evolved independently. That's why you call about the testicles, isn't it? Over millions of years. These, the two bits of the brain, we have the hind brain or the brain stem, which is basic actions that keep us alive,

such as making our hearts beat, a big fan of that, triggering sleep, huge fan, at the appropriate time and place, obviously, not during my show at the Soho Theatre, which you'll be able to buy tickets on pre-sail in just a week's time. and controlling breathing.

So stopping you getting over-excited the prospect of buying a ticket for my show on pre-time. That bit's located at the back of the skull, depending on which side of the skull you're starting from, I guess. So it'll be the front if you're behind. It's on stage right. The mid-brain and forebrain deal with high-level

thinking such as language, logic and abstract reasoning and cricket stats. This is a bit of the brain that's led our species into a lot of trouble. And again, this could have huge implications medically, but does also raise the possibility that the brain could, if it's already in two bits,

be genetically adapted so that it's just modular units. And some mobile phones now where you just like take out bits that I'm like slot in another bit in a special socket behind the ear. This is where we're going? I'm not sure it is.

What, you mean upgrading people's brains? Yeah, yeah. People queuing for the human brain 15. That's right. So if say there's someone whose brain is causing the world trouble, for example, some presidents, you could just swap out their mid-brain and replace it with a cauliflower.

And that would help. I think that's what this is all about. Like a fucking mouse brain in there. See what happens. Could things be any worse than they currently are? I bet sometimes people listen to this podcast to think they really don't understand enough about politics to be talking about this.

Well, wait until we start talking about science. If you want to hear something we really don't fucking understand. Andy's talking about putting a cauliflower in Trump's, bro. Well, one sort of related story that regards something that the brain does, which is talk, or make you talk, the brain doesn't talk itself generally, does it? Do brains have mouths these days? No, although this is something of a tangent,

but I do remember that it's quite hard to explain to people not from the UK or who are younger than me, but for some reason in the year 2000 the UK government decided to open a thing in a huge dome in Greenwich that's now a music venue a music and comedy venue called the O2 it's a music venue and a comedy venue for some comedians

not any of the ones you're listening to right now on this podcast but it it had a load of exhibitions and they were not really connected to anything there weren't even really scientific exhibitions there were just a load of shit and in the middle there was a sort of body that you could get an escalator up into.

And at the top of the body, there were a load of talking brains. And it remains the single worst thing I've ever seen in my life. I've no idea why the fuck that was how we decided to celebrate. Well, you didn't see Jimmy Car at the O2. Friend of the show. Friend of the show. He's the person I replaced. And the story is that AI models have, computer models

rather than fashion models have started apparently developing their own language. They've started talking in their own words and speaking in incomprehensible metaphors.

I'm starting to think maybe our jobs are under threat after a room. If AI develops a pun run I'd like to see the AI say, oh no, the news is bad. I'd like to see an AI that can do that. Good luck.

But they've developed their own language, which has been described as a sort of mixture of tech bro chat and James Joyce. Which... What a mix. What a mix. It's come up with phrases such as demurridge plus oral memory equals a valve that can't be ghosted. Yeah. And a paper that ate three cold hands and got more honest each time.

Yeah. Listen, I know, because the thing about the story is they're saying that AI sort of developed a slang that only itself understands. And language models can talk to each other with slang and the human beings can't fully follow it so we're no longer able to monitor what it's saying or doing. And then you read some of the slang and they're saying, oh, it's a bit like James Joyce. Somebody's compared it to the poetry of Sid Barrett, one of the original founding members of Pink Floyd. I don't understand enough about the basic mechanics of this. But when you read some of those sentences, is there not a part of you that things? I think this is all shit.

I think this might just be total shit. And I think it might be a completely shit product that we're being told can produce languages that we can't understand, might lead to the destruction of the universe. And the only reasons we're being told that is as part of an attempt to jack up share prices for people who are profiting directly from this. Like, I just read Corey Doctorate's book about AI, which is really brilliant. It's really, really good. It's called the Reverse Center. It's really great.

There's a bit in it where he does raise the fact that we refer to AI hallucinating, whereas actually, it's just fucking making a mistake. A lot of this stuff, you do read and you think, but there's a part of you thinks, oh, wow, that's really scary. And then another part of you thinks, I think it's fucking shit. I think it's shit and it can't do anything. I will say the language is not my primary concern with the possible superintelligence robots that could kill us all. Like, when I say I want AI to be heavily regulated, I don't mean just going over their posts to find problematic language so they could be cancelled. But what was it?

She just named the synthesis, demurge plus oral memory equals a value that can't be ghosted. That sounds like an undercover cop trying to infiltrate like a high school. Yo, daddy, that shit is hella cringe and be ghosted, y'all. Can I get some skibbitty drugs or is this all cope? My suspicion is what happened with this AI is that they used a language model because they sort of steal language. Based on an Eric Kantonar impersonator who just spent 24 hours in a cement mixer. Star Wars Roboceleb and pioneering AI pinup boy C3PO and former British Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. It's that level of incomprehensibility that I think we're fighting against.

You say that, Andy, that sometimes the seagulls will look for the trawler. Religion news now, and a judge in Nottinghamshire has told to a parish church not to waste water on excessively wet baptisms in a 940-liter portable immersion baptistery, which the judge has stated has no theological basis. Now, I mean, look, I've never been baptized. I've never baptized anyone else. I've been a witness to at least one baptism, I think maybe only one. Who did you see get baptized? Well, one of my wife's nephew.

Right, right, right. Long time ago. And it was frankly terrifying. My baby being told to crap itself at the mere thought of God. Oh, someone being bathed in Jesus' love. Terrified to you, Eddie. More the language around it. Anyway, but I guess the thing is,

if you are a parish church in Nottinghamshire and you've got a 940-litre portable immersion baptistry, you're going to want to use it. And I guess the issue is, you know, can you be sure that you've been properly immersed in the love of God if less than 940 litres of water is used? Now that benchmark has been set. You know, again, it's sort of opened up the...

And also, what if the God concentration in the water is unusually low? You need more water for the same level of... Like weak cordial. Yeah, yeah. Look, the human body has 35 to 45 litres of water in it. And you think how small babies are, that's like 10 times the amount... So a baby has these 35 to 45 litres squished down. concentrate. That's why they're pissed so much, I think.

I've got a bit loose on the sign. Anyway, the point is, also let's take this back to basis. John the Baptist, who judging by his name, knew a fucking thing or two of that. He used the entire River Jordan to baptize Jesus H. Christ in. So, I mean, 940 Lentl is not that much when you put in that context.

What, why, who made that purchase? To begin with, who thought, we need a baptiser. Let's get the baptiser tron 9,000. How much money is. Top of the line, mate. Top of the line, this. You want baptism. You cannot go past this.

What did exhibit come round and hint their baptiser? Well, to be clear, they don't have it yet, right? They made an application for this 940-liter portable immersion baptistery, and the application was denied by a judge saying that was, needless waste of water. Which is outrageous. I see the devil in this, Andy. This is a disgusting attack on religious liberty. What's next? Are the pen pushes at City Hall going to tell me I can't fell endangered trees to make a crucifix? That my morbid magic underpants factory is a waste of resources. That my annual virgin sacrifices aren't up to code. Pish posh. If God didn't want us

having full body immersion baptisms, he wouldn't have given us rivers and ponds and seas and nose pegs. I must confess, despite attending a sort of church of England school and growing up in a country that, you know, at least has a sort of cultural affinity to that wing of Christianity, I didn't have a fucking clue that this is what baptism's involved because the only baptism I'm actually seen is the one at the end of the first Godfather move. And that did not seem to involve 940 litres. And it is, it was a surprise to me to learn that this was the amount of water that you need. And obviously the judge is correct.

You should not be using water for such a frivolous purpose. We know what water is used for. It's for cooling AI data centres so that you can auto-generate a picture of Jesus high-fiving Charlie Kirk, which is a genuine piece of AI. And I use this word advisedly, artwork I've seen floating around on Elon Musk's Twitter recently. I mean, theologisticians, the branch of science that do with this thing.

Apparently, on the verge of developing a baptism injection, meaning a single 5-millimeter shot of God God can have the same effect as dunk in someone in a font or in 940 litres of commercially advantageous water or the River Jordan. I mean, this could be all pretty moot once the year. Yeah. The baptism injection.

It's one simple jab. Well, that'll be bloody baptism injection mandate. And that shit's not going near my kids. I can't work out how that would play. In terms of with the fringe whack job community that's most of the internet these days, would it be you can't baptize my kids, you can't put 5G,

and the G stands for God into my children's bloodstream, or would it now be repackaged as God maxing? It's like hule for Jesus. So what would, I don't know what Robert F. Kennedy would think about it as a, like a vaccine, like he's pretty skeptical about this kind of thing. I don't know what his religious views are largely because I don't know what any of his views are

because after I heard a few of his views I thought I'm good on his views I actually don't think I need to Do you think the brain in the worm in his brain is sitting between those two different parts just slotted between the hind and the forebrain It's hanging out and there Slowly eating away at each one

You can get homeopathic baptisms as well So you drop a biopathing in a jacuzzi for five minutes, then you bubble yourself for a minute and you're pretty much guaranteed eternity in heaven. That's what I've heard. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Thank you very much for listening and or watching

if you like to listen to your podcast with your eyes. It's plugs time. As I mentioned earlier on, my end of year show, Andy's Olstman, 26th, the Third of Iable History, is on pre-sale from next. Thursday. Let me check the date again. First of October

and General Sale You couldn't hold on to that day. The second of October. Go to my website apparently to sign up for the mailing list. Or just just buy the tickets online. Or just ask. Ask nicely.

Do not ask. What you're inviting people to do is just come to your house. Knock on your door and try to buy a ticket to your gig. Yeah. Well, you know, a sale's a sale. Anything to plug, I'm on tour. Tickets are on sale

at nishkamar.coma.coma.com.com. And there'll be some, hopefully, some news for international buglers in the coming weeks. But currently, it's just, it's not even the UK and Ireland. We've done the island days.

It's the United Kingdom. God's own country. But he has not visited in a few hundred years. He's just sent you as a prophet. That's not for me to say. Tom, anything to plug? I want to say.

say thank you so much to all the buglers who came to see me while in the UK on tour particularly at the Edinburgh Fringe. You're all very nice

and I appreciate it. If you're in Melbourne, I'm back at the Melbourne Fringe with a new show in the grand scheme of things which I am writing. And it's very funny and great. That's from the 6th of October

to the 11th. You've missed pre-sale completely. Forget, let go. Your dreams of hitting pre-sail on that tour. Just normal sale. Melbourne Fringe, Tom Ballard,

in the grand scheme of things. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Buglers. We'll be back next week with Josh Gonderman. And for the first time on the Google, Catherine Bowhart. Until then, goodbye.