The Bugle - Beast Modi (4193)

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

Aditi Mittal and Nish Kumar join Andy for a brutal take on the tragic mess in India. Plus stories about penises, weinerific wingdingers and all the other stuffSubscribe to Tiny Revolutions with Tiff Stevenson, episode one, with Armando Iannucci is out now.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAditi MittalNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers and welcome to issue 4193 of the Bughal Audio newspaper for a visibly wobbling world with me. Andy Zoltzmann here in London is the 10th of May 2021 for the first time in human history.

And I'm joined, firstly from just up the road, couple of miles up the road in Brixton London, it's Nish Kumar. Hello, of miles up the road in Brixton, London, it's Nish Kumar. Hello, Nish. Hello, Andy. Hello, Buglers. How are you, Andrew? I'm okay.

And when I say okay, I'm literally counting down the days before the International Cricket Season Beginners, which is, I'm from both personal and professional level. So I'm like a child before Christmas, only this Christmas lasts for the entire summer. Oh my god, Andy. I mean, it's not what you anticipate having in terms of small talk in the pandemic. Normally people are like, oh yeah, I'm counting down the days till my fucking vaccination from the deadly plague. Oh, I guess this week coming to us from Mumbai, in India, a

deep in middle. How are you? I am so well, Andy, as I mean, I'm not down to temptu it when I say that. I'm just saying I'm okay. Right. We can all we'll take okay now. Okay, it's as good as anyone on this planet concurrently, concurrently claim. And just bring us up to date quickly before we get into the show with the sort of latest kind of situation where you are. The latest situation where I am is that I got a new dog and I'm trying to keep my world view small so it can be happy. I got another dog I guess that was it. By the end of this pandemic I will be a boarding house for dogs and I will have to leave myself. Surely that will be a nice outcome of what is happening right now.

But it's rough out there and I currently have tested positive for the dreaded seaword, which means yes, I am a c***** and though I always have been, I just think it feels like. But I feel my recent deal is levels have increased due to the situation that India is currently in. We are currently riding and when I say riding, I mean riding like WRI through the second wave of the Corona virus and our health care system has taken a massive beating and what we need right now is every Indian is out there on the internet saying hey please donate to any charitable causes that are providing care for Indians right now

who are suffering because none of us are safe till everyone is safe. Well, we will explore these issues more shortly. We are recording on the 10th of May. As I said, on this day in 1997, Gary Kasparov, the renowned chess playing human, was beaten by deep blue, the chess playing supercomputer that could compute 200 million positions per second. A significant step up from the previous most sophisticated chess playing computer, the Prince get off, which could only compute 23 different positions over the course of a single night time match. That's for you, Nish.

I know your big fan, but chess and Prince. Deep blue, which of course was chessing out of the IBM stable when it beaded Casparov. And it beat Casparov, it should be said in a chess match rather than a who can process most things using binary competition or a who can do the best shadow puppetry competition, which I reckon Casparov should have taken, or a who can be forced to leave Russia for voicing opposition to Vladimir Putin competition. Casparov has definitely taken that one in the years since then, or even in a competition to see who in 25 years time is most likely to have been reduced in size enough to fit into your pocket. Deep blue as a as a computer, basically now just a an

app that can put 200 million different cat ear filters on your bishop and turn your night into a meme in under a millionth of a second. Whereas Casper offers still three feet tall despite a two decade long process of granite hat wearing dehydrational shrinkage and occasional trims. Deep Blue was decommissioned actually by IBM shortly after the Caspar victory in 97 reportedly after becoming behaviorally uncontrollable in the glow of celebrity and forcing a female printer to print out unsolicited pictures of its disc drive. Deep Blue's victory is signal, but beginning of the end of the Anthropocene era of planet Earth and the beginning of the Robocomputer Racine era after conquering humans at chess and the intervening 24 years, computers have also got onto

defeat global financial safeguards, the integrity of democracy and the mining industry. On the subject of deep blue, today is also the 80th birthday of Eric Burden, arguably Britain's greatest blue singer, especially if I'm hosting the argument. I would have been a person moderator. But I'd say Eric Burden's voice is right up there with the fried breakfast and cricket as these islands great as contribution to global culture. On this day in 2010, it was a fond anniversary for us, David Cameron became prime minister. Oh, I didn't realize today was DC day. Yep.

Proceeded to in effect take a six year dump on our shared living room carpet before pulling his trousers back up saying, I'm done. Good luck cleaning that up. Can you still see the telly over the top of it? As always, how do you, how do you look back now? Nish, I know you're a huge fan of the Conservative party and all it stands for. The legacy of David Cameron. Andy, I think the way that I reflect on David Cameron is that he and Boris Johnson are now locked in mortal combat for the title of world's worst Prime Minister in British history.

And that is about that he's going gonna go all the way, Andy. This is the thriller in Manila for white people. ["The White People"] As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week. We've got a review of the latest history books that have come out. I was like to keep our finger firmly on the pulse

of what history is saying. And we review the new book from the French revisionist historian, naturalist, Albert Flomboirs de la Nide, entitled Was Napoleon a rhinoceros. It's a fascinating reappraisal of the career of the former French militarism celeb to coincide with the 200th anniversary of his death and post-mortem willy severing. And it asks Was Napoleon Napoleon actually a rhino? It's persuasively eloquently written to nid managers to stretch out the evidence

that Napoleon was sometimes a bit horny and that all military leaders need to have a thick skin. Into a fascinating 400 page analysis of amongst other things, the tactics used at the Battle of Ausdolits in 1805 and the way a rhinoceros might have behaved in the same situation. We also review the latest book from the American Celebrate Historian and Provocator Flutes

Gevenger, the emeritus professor of history at Snutterton University in Nebraska. His new book is entitled, Suck It Snowflakes 3, How the Woke Destroyed Hovers America. It's a fire and you'll have some dire tribe that takes a fresh look at the 1929 Global Financial Cracking It's Aftermath, pinning the blame on young people today and their tolerant attitude towards other people's lifestyles. So follow up to its big selling 2019 Suck It Snowflakes 2, are you trying to tell me Julia Caesar was a lesbian and his breakthrough 2016 work, Suck It Snowflakes, if the woke have their way, will be forced to become single-celled microorganisms in the sea again. And of course, you're the real life is catching up to your bullshit.

None of that, none of what you've just said is even vaguely implausible. I feel like you would just, literally, had a tab open with the telegraphs' opinion pages. It's the real world is finally catching up with you. The person that wrote all of those books is about 20 minutes away from a Tory safe seat in Hertfordshire. Well, I think the telegraph opinion pages have been officially renamed. The Nish Kumar is a threat to national security pages.

At the final book we're reviewing are History Books Supplements. It was the book everyone is talking about. Bible 4, the even newer testament, the long-lated 4th installment. It's could really resolve a few long-running arguments. Sadly, no advanced copy is available for review. So let's just hope it's not another one of those series that leaves things open for yet another f***ing sequel. That section in the bin. Top story this week. Well, chaos in India, as D.T. has already told us, it's a well-tragic

and terrifying times in India. Narendra Modi, the Prime Minister, has taken a fair amount of criticism. I think it's fair to all be it not from himself. And accusations that the government is misrepresenting and suppressing the true numbers of cases and deaths in the pandemic. And when you are obviously lying about the numbers of cases and deaths in a pandemic such as this, and those numbers are still absolutely horrific, it does suggest that things are really going very badly indeed. Well, it's really heartbreaking seeing this, particularly after your Modi and his ministers

had sort of announced victory over the virus not long ago. Yeah, and to be honest, I don't know how other comedians are doing it. But this, it's increasingly difficult to sort of like shrug and grin at a lot of things that are happening around you. You're like, where does parity begin and the real life end? And so that, as that line blurs further and further, last week we had the Lancet, which is a British Medical magazine that wrote a very skating editorial on Narendra Damodar Das Modi's handling of the pandemic in India.

And as a comedian right now, it's kind of weird to talk shit about Modi because this is the first time in history that everyone is also talking shit about Modi. So it's a weird sort of satisfaction mixed in with sadness. And this is not the first time that the Lancet has asked the central government of India to do better. In fact, the first time the Lancet had written to the government of India was to describe the mental health impact of Article 370 removal on the people of Jammu and Kashmir, which happened on the day that we recorded an episode of Live in Edinburgh with you Nish which was about 200 years ago in 2019.

I now know my history in Bughal episode number. But at that point in time people were pissed at the intervention of Lancet. They were like, who's this some British ass magazine to ask us questions like, we're going to introduce our own magazine. And we're going to call it the Hacksaw, which is what our health care system has taken in the past few months. We're going to publish our own sh-t-on, okay? Like, someone actually said this.

They said, what do we care about what the Lancet says it's run by Chris Lambo liberal terrorists and like one find a bunch of Chris's and a bunch of Lamos who agree on anything try in order to come together, far be it from something as organized as terrorism, right? And I'm a liberal. I'm a liberal and let me tell you, I don't want to do anything. I really don't want to be organized. Like, when you say organized religion to me, it's not the religion path that scares me. It's the organization that I'm not, I just this too much work. But at that time, you know, when the Lancet had written about the Indian government, the same handles who were previously tweeting, hashtag boycott Lancet, this time were the ones

asking for oxygen cylinders and remdesivir for their loved ones on social media. I mean, if there's poetic justice in this, f*** poetry. This is not the justice anyone wants or deserves. But really, this time, Modiji has displayed a massive respect for the dead in India. That's why he's killing more and more of us. This time, Lancet told Modi

to take responsibility for his mistakes. Now, this is a guy who hasn't taken a single question from the press in six years. So responsibility is a huge ask. At this point, the Modi government is as useful as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. Lansett told the central government to own up to its mistakes. And that is not going to happen because Modi

himself has blamed a lot of his own mistakes on Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru, who is the first prime minister of independent India. Like he has done it so often now that it's become a running gag on Twitter, like on Indian Twitter, couples upload pictures of their newborn babies saying Nehru did this. But Narendra Modi and his government have displayed a kind of vindictive nastiness towards science and reasoning that I normally deserve for my exes. It feels it feels like science once slept with Modi, then call him back and then got married to the opposition. I'm starting to understand the crisis now. Thanks.

We're going to relate to the, uh, the Lanter article, uh, said, despite the warnings of the risk of super spreader events, the government allowed religious festivals to go ahead, drawing millions of people from around the country, along with huge political rallies, can speak who's for the lack of COVID-19 mitigation measures. Now, I mean, this religion and politics, I mean, they're long-running, friendly tussle for who can ruin the most people's lives through human history. I mean, this is another classic chapter, and it looks set to run and run for the rest of time.

And what they've realized is they've tussled with each other for years, and at some point, they suddenly looked at each other like Thelma and Louise and just go, went, take my hand. We can ruin so many more lives if we work together. It's like alien versus predator for years and film franchises, those two have been at loggerheads. But if alien and predator just got together, they can absolutely devastate. And what religion and politics have done is looks at each other and gone, we are stronger together than a part. Now, let us lay waste to India via the emissary of Nurendra. Yeah, listen, it's a very, it's an alarming state of affairs. But what perhaps is even more alarming is the fact that in the most recent opinion poll,

Modi's support has fallen to 65%. And I mean, at this point, you've got to wonder what could, what could he possibly do? Will he stick his dick into a pictorial representation of such in Tendulka? How would that affect if Modi molested an image of Tendulka? How would that go down? That would probably cause BOTS their profile to that. No, it would probably make BOTS of them even more popular. That's the statement right now. Listen, at least when the British were coming over and releasing infectious disease, we knew where it was coming from.

We knew where it was coming from. It's 2021 and India is not static for British. Bring them back, please say. It was always going to happen. It all went the same. Guys, smallpox was a laugh. It was a laugh. Well, on the subject of Britain, trade secretary Liz Truss announced a kind of sort of preliminary

agreement to start haggling out a new UK-indeed trade deal that might be worth not a great deal in the grand scheme of things, the kind of glorious bucket-narrage of global Britain that we're also looking forward to becoming our daily economic dyton, our Brexit-terious future. It's, I mean, niche, it's wonderful news, isn't it? There's this huge deal that wasn't really announced that it hasn't really taken place yet. Could absolutely revolutionise Britain and your relations. Yeah, it's absolutely great. And if there's any consolation to the people of India, it's that you have signed on for a potential trade deal with a sinking ship. At this point, the Indian UK trade deal is like someone on the Hindenburg mid-explosion

hearing that they've just had an offer of aid being sent by the captain of the Titanic. This trust told LBC radio that the fact that Britain had left that European Union made it easier to sign trade deals like this. Let's see this in context in the 2019-20 financial year. Figures I looked at Britain did $14.3 billion worth of trade within. That made the UK India's biggest trading partner, apart from the 17 countries. I'll do it again. Yeah. But now that we have left the EU, we can finally start matching places like Germany

and Belgium who are not tied down by EU regulations. It's all very confusing. Go team GB. A quick update from the UK on the COVID situation. According to the Guardian newspaper, Boris Johnson will allow hugging. And I mean, this to me was a very irritating headline, not because I don't want to hug anyone, but now that it's almost become the branded, the hug has been branded with Boris Johnson. I think that might affect my attitude to hugging for a moment.

Grace be able to embrace you after more than a year, but may I please emphasize, this is no way endorses the Prime Minister who has come back to this crisis. And I can see, you know, football coming. Oh, it's a goal for Liverpool and look how much their players love Boris Johnson. Yeah. You know, maybe this is just nobody's hug Boris in a while and he just wants to hug. So he's like, guys, I don't know, nobody's hugging me. So it's okay to hug, right?

We definitely don't know when's hard Johnson in a while because no one's got pregnant. I think he tends to skip out the hug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't wish to speculate too wildly on the Prime Minister's lovemaking techniques, but I'm not sure tenderness is at the top of that list. He is, Wambam Thank You Mom. He is in and out. The guy is. And now look, and this by saying that Wambam Thank You Maim, that's a song by the small faces, but one of my all-time favourite Crowds came back to in Britain over the last couple of weeks. They allowed crowds at

the World's Snooker Final in Sheffield and a nightclub in Liverpool had 3,000 clubbers for two afternoons the weekend before last. And it's a shame they didn't kind of merge those two to have 3,000 clubbers at the world's snooker final. What is snooker if not? Brave, waiting to break out. And odd your balls and sticks. In fact, that on Mark Selby, because famously impertivable. I also have the world's least justified sporting nickname to Jester from Lester. I don't know what he's like outside the snooker arena, but he is, he gives nothing away. He is very much the anti-jester. But what have been great to see him try to perform with, you know, in a massive nightclub setting, well, it looks like Mark

has just run out of position on the last red there. Possibly put off a shot by a couple of thousand ravers going nuts to fat boys slim in his island. And of break. And another piece of Covid news from Japan, the Japanese town of No Toe spent 165,000 pounds worth of federal funding on any guesses. Well, let's do this and kind of choose your own adventure type question at butler's concentrate, please imagine you are a small seaside town in Japan. You find you've got to spare 165 grand to spend from your COVID emergency relief fund. So do you invest in a dinosaur sea monster early warning system? Obviously you're in Japan. Do you

be spending on much needed long term care and extra medical staff? Do you see, think, oh, I could almost renovate a prime minister's flat in London for that amount of money? Or do you do blow it all on a 13 meter statue of a fucking squid? Now, obviously, no to end for option D, they built a five and a half tonne model of a squid. £165,000. I mean, we've all made impulse purchases during these difficult COVID times just to give ourselves some kind of element of a treat amongst the impulse purchases you can make is a new t-shirt from the bugle commemorating the cold and wet weave of pun from the leery dog pun run, was was it our 11 years ago?

The logic, apparently, for this giant squid sculpture was to attract tourists back to the town of Noto. But I mean, have you ever, I don't know how to pry, but have you ever decided where to go on holiday based on which place has the biggest statue of a Keffelopod or do you look at other things? You know, I mean, I normally, so like, especially during this pandemic,

you know, I mean, of course, the first thought was like, will I get sick and dying for in country? But the second one definitely was, oh my God, is that like a, an octopus that works out? Is that, because I, I don't understand squids, squid in general. What is the plural of squids? Squids? Squids? Yeah. Squids. Squids. Squids. Yeah. So I mean, those are my two considerations. Apparently, it's based on the number one delicacy of the town is squid. And I do love putting out like the live versions of my food

just on like right up the airport. So that like a chicken, a giant chicken. Yes, a giant chicken. As soon as I land, I am there with seven of my relatives, just to find out. Just one final, a COVID story. A scientist has announced that the most common side effects of COVID vaccines is a herty arm. They conducted research and this is the most common side effects.

A sore arm. It's also the most common side effects of being hit on the arm, of throwing 1,000 javelins a day for 20 years and of having your elbow savaged by a crocodile. So in summary, the government basically wants you to have your arm bitten off by a crocodile. And that was this week's episode of, how conspiracy theories start. Next week is the fact that two same sex walruses

were filmed huddled together on melting ice sheet proof that the woke lobby won all heterosexual couples to be legally forced to divorce. And it again, real life is catching up. As you're saying that, I feel like I'm listening to this on a New York Times podcast in three years time, like rabbit hole three. This is all going to be on Babylon be like, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Crocanon conspiracy theory started when podcaster and comedian Andy Zalteman made an idol pun. He didn't know what would happen next. British politics news now and well the you of United Kingdom is set for arguably its most ironic quote marks ever following the elections across the country last Thursday

the Scottish National Party consolidated power in Scotland the conservatives on the traditional Labour stronghold of hearty pool in a parliamentary by election Labour won several marital elections including London and very convincingly Manchester Manchester. The Green Party did well, Labor still hold power in the National Senate in Wales. And although this was portrayed by much of the media as a great triumph for Boris Johnson, I don't know if you saw this aspect niche. The Conservatives lost overall control of Tombridge Wells County. Tombridge Wells is the town where I grew up and it is so conservative, I've probably mentioned it before in the bugle, but you viewed as a bit of a left if you only voted conservative once in each general election.

They found the world's oldest rock art there, it's about 40,000 years old, it's just a little blue rose set on the Wellington rocks in in Tombridge worlds. And it's how do we interpret these, these results, there's huge ruckians now, the Labour Party, we're complaining about the leadership of Kirstama. And this, how do you piece it all together? Well, the immediate aftermath of the results saw another minor civil war breakout in the Labour Party. Keir Starmer, there were rumors that he was going to remove his deputy, Angela Rainer, not from her job as deputy leader of the Labour Party, because he can't do that, because that's

an elected position. He was going to remove her from the job of chairman of the party. There was a sort of outcry of a fence about that. He has now, it's kind of, he has promoted Angela Rayner into a different job. And there's all sorts of ruckians going on about who's going to get what job in the Shadow Cabinet. Now, you might be thinking why is this happening? And the reality is, this is happening because the British Labour Party is sexually aroused by torturing itself. The British Labour Party derives sexual pleasure from essentially punching itself in the nuts. It is the political equivalent of constantly on the verge of a strangle wank. What an electoral slogan that would be? The left of the party blames

the centre, the centre of the party blames the left, and the news gets tighter and the dick gets harder. The Conservatives got overall in the local elections, which took place across much of the country. 36% of the votes on a 42% turn out, 15% of the overall vote. Is this really a ringing endorsement of the Boris Johnson government? If so, the ringing is from a long-dissused telephone at the bottom of an empty quarry of apathy. People calling that phone the generations who sacrificed themselves

in two world wars in the cause of democracy. Trying to get through to us saying, come on guys, put some fucking effort in. And also a call from future generations saying, yeah, we'll just back that one up. And suggest that maybe if you can think a little bit more about us folks in the future, we'd be very appreciative. And by the way, we've just received an invoice

for an infinite number of money addressed to us that you have spent, could you maybe give us a call about that, cheers. Starm said he would take responsibility for Labour's failures. Has he learnt nothing from a year in opposition to Boris Johnson? Taking responsibility is not part of a political leader's job. The can is not something I was supposed to carry as a political leader in the 21st century. No, you take the can, you pour whatever it is in the can into someone else's car boot, you set fire to it, you kick the can down any available road and you

walk soft saying nothing to do with me. Watch and learn. Watch and learn, Starma. It is interesting. The Hartley Pool, but it's very unusual historically for the sitting government to win a by-election. It's normally a way the electorate uses to sort of kick out of the sitting government. So I guess that is an unusual and positive result for Boris Johnson, but it does seem like the electoral picture is a little bit more nuanced than the headlines are portraying it as, where it's basically being written up as a massive victory for Johnson. Why is that? It's because at this point,

the British press is effectively the PR machine of the Conservative Party. There is almost no critical thinking being exercised by British journalists. And even if something does come out, like there was a huge amount of very good investigate journalism done by the Sunday Times into Boris Johnson's spending on the Downing Street renovations, even if that does come out, like there was a huge amount of very good investigative journalism done by the Sunday Times into Boris Johnson spending on the Downing Street renovations.

Even if that does come out, it's drowned in a load of headlines where people writing for the telegraph and the Times and the mail and the express write things like, well, I don't think people really care about this and try and drown the entire thing. At this point, we are about two weeks away from a headline in the daily telegraph that reads, I don't think the public really cares. The Boris Johnson bit the head off a dog and ran down the road holding its severed head aloft, mouth covered in blood screaming, I am the resurrection. For more, turn to page 35. Voters love him and voters also really viscerally hate him.

That's actually the recipe. I think I first part supposed to be. It doesn't matter if first part of the post. It doesn't matter if 75% of the people think you are scraping from the nutsack of the devil. If you've got that 25%, and you keep the turnout low, you are in business. There's also a bit of people trying to interpret these results saying that the reason that the Labour Party is struggling in its old

heartlands is sort of antipathy towards those who seek to tarnish British history by, sort of, emphasising the history of slavery and with all the statute toppling last week. Now, the thing is, the main thing that tarnish is British history is British history. So that's the real issue there. But British history really tarnishes itself and on burnishes in common with all other countries history. So there's a lot of self-tarnishing going on. I think the number one thing that tarnishes Indian history is Indian present. Of course, if we are not able to take responsibility for our past, then what lessons have we learned?

I think you're both an absolute disgrace and you know what's happening here is because facts are part of the wokest lobby. Facts and history are just another arm of the wok starsy that is trying to destroy allies that are entirely built on the good honest British and Indian values of myth and delusion. I want to think my head so far in the sand, I can shit sand for the next six months. Woohoo! Woohoo! Well, that was a sentence I was not expecting to hear at the start of this report. Moving on now to war news and in the two weeks since we last recorded the bugle, Britain has had another war.

It's called a World War. lost record of the bugle. Britain has had another war, third world war with France. It began, progressed and it ended within the space of about a day. What happened was France threatened to cut off electricity to the island of Jersey, which is about 15 miles off the coast of France, in a row over post-Bre Brexit, fishing rights. It's exactly the kind of infantile avoidable standoff with our former consinental colleagues that people feared and hoped for with Brexit. A fleet of 80 French fishing vessels blockaded the Port of St Helier in Jersey and what can only be described as an in-pass on protest. And the British government therefore dispatched you know what I will give you points. I will give you points for that being a bilingual pun.

Thank you. Britain dispatched Boris Johnson dispatched the Royal Navy to Royal Navy gun boats and the British tabloid media absolutely lost it shit. It had its most fun in decades. This had everything they would work. It had two of the three things they want in a story, bashing the European Union, Britannia ruling the waves, if only they could have slammed Meghan Markle for being French, it would have been absolutely per... Yes, truly this was the 100 minute war.

The centre of the dispute was the post-Brexit fishing arrangements in the shared waters between France and the Bayleywick of Jersey. I didn't say it was called a Bayleywick. Do you know what the f*** a Bayleywick is? I mean, I don't know. I assume it's an ancient Celtic term for place people go to avoid corporation tax. It might be a form of... I thought it was a biscuit brandy. Or a Plymouth.

Or possibly a polite Victorian term for a gentleman's... But, anyway, the... It definitely sounds like the surname of an English person who did something in India and let's not get into too much detail of what it was. That's probably a statue of Minthropalbosquare. At the, the small but irritating fishbone of contention stuck in the hacking throat of Anglo-French relations was this post-Brexit Lyson Tsing scheme. It was described by various people in the fishing industry

from Jersey as a sensible move to protect the Ireland's interests and by others as an act of idiocy by the Jersey government, scoring a story the full 10 out of 10 on the Brexit scale of unbridgeable opinion splitting. This is what we've voted for. One final story now, arguably the most important story of the week, is penises in New Zealand news. And Jeff Upsen from New Zealand has been threatened

with prosecution after drawing around a hundred penis shapes around pot holes in the roads. In an effort, he claims to force his local council to fix the holes in the road. On both of you are huge efficient autos of the use of the strategic Wang drawing as an agent of political change. Where does this right view in the history of penis protest? I mean, you know, this phallic fuss maker, this penile perturber, this dickish disquieter, this wienerific winginger, this turntoy, this boner busler has indeed struck upon the number one way of protest, because it is like a dick pic to the authorities, right?

You could spend 27 years of your life getting a PhD in public policy, but the thing that does work is drawing a penis around your problem. And somebody will solve it. It really makes me wish that somebody would draw a giant penis around the picture of Narendra Damodar Dasu and that could lead to some fixing. I'll tell you what it doesn't speak well

of the penis in general that it is the internationally accepted symbol for something that is bad and must be removed. It really just makes you wonder why it is so many gentlemen around the world feel the needs to display something that in almost every context is used to put people off. It's really extraordinary. I mean, listen, obviously New Zealand has done an excellent job of managing COVID, but it seems to have now moved on, moved into, in the absence of being able to export any vaccines that are being produced in the country. New Zealand has clearly decided to export funny news stories to try and distract everybody for a while. And I did think that for a while, but now the more I think about it, the more I am a New Zealand penis road man truther.

I think there's a huge conspiracy here. I think Jeff Upson is a sleeper agent of this podcast. This new story is too close to the specific wheelhouse and I'm talking about the overall history of this show. This new story is too close to being something that sounds like something someone made up on this podcast. Anyway, if you enjoyed the, what, either the bugle or the news quiz, enough that you don't want to staple whatever generals you have to any facial organ, then do listen in. We're halfway through the series. There's been a lot of fun so far.

That brings us to the end of this week's bugle I will show you play out, play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them to make a one off or occurring contribution to the bugle go to the buglepodcast.com where you can also find links to buy the Colton that we've attached and other items of Google memorabilia.

At ETN, he shows that too plug to our listeners. Third and fourth of June, I'm doing two Zoom shows, trial shows of my next and up special called Unreliable Narrator. The tickets are on my social media, follow my social media. I, on, wait, it's ADDY, MITZY on Instagram, it's AWRIID, ITI on Twitter and that's it. There we go, Nish, anything you'd like to plug? I've got two comedy albums out that you can listen to wherever you get your music on the internet. And my tour tickets for my UK tour are available at nishcumard.co.uk.

That's from February 2022, a tour that may as well be called, hopefully we'll be able to do it! Thank you very much for listening because we'll be back next week! Charlie S. believes there would be nothing worse than a talking spider. Imagine the chat speculates Charlie, they'd have to whisper to avoid attracting attention, but it would be really sinister stuff very quietly about how they're going to kill their terrified trapped prey. Before a triumphant told you so, once they'd gobbled it up, look across between an on-course golf commentator and a trash-talking MMA fighter, which is not something this world needs right now. Alex Wilder never understood the use of the word justify to describe making all the lines

in a document a line at one or both ends. I just don't see where justice comes into it, says Alex. If you left or right justify, you're creating visible inequality on the page, and if you justify so that the words are aligned on both sides, you'll even gaps in the text, which instantly poaches the question, what missing words are they hiding? What injustices are they trying to camouflage with their spaced out letters? It's a linguistic abomination. Someone known as Fly Drowner wonders whether the long dead Greek philosophy with Aristotle would even bother going into professional thinking if he were around today.

No criticism of the lad says fly, but his obsession with the middle way between extremes wouldn't really wash in today's media world, which demands stupidly exaggerated and adversarial views retorts and provocations to keep feeding itself. Our account Aristotle would never get booked for anything, and would probably go into writing pithy aphorisms for teenagers t-shirts instead. Clive Truman thinks it is just a matter of time before we see on our televisions the world's first celebrity reality military invasion program. Pretty much every other sphere of human activity has already been covered by reality TV, explains

Clive, from baking cakes to cutting hair to ski jumping to being president. So I reckon within 10 years we'll see a battalion of celebs making a ground landing in somewhere like Iran under cover of night, then trying to fight their way through to raise the celebrity flag in the opposition's capital city. David Beaumont thinks celebrity TV might go the other way, and that we will see celebs who've had enough of the lineite competing in a show for the right to be forgotten about by the public and media, and return to living a normal life and not being judged on what they were to the shop when nipping out for their morning coffee.

I think it would be a hit, says David. We could call it Herbert's Has Beans if we can find a host called Herbert who ironically doesn't mind becoming a TV star. And Ben Murdoch finally is right on board with this. In fact, as Ben, it could be the only show in which you host one series and then compete in the next. If I knew anyone in TV commissioning, I would absolutely pitch this to them, alongside my other pitch, Trevor's Trapists, in which the legendary British newsreader Trevor McDonald narrates the journey of aging pop stars for retired sportspeople and alumni of other

reality shows to become monks and or nuns devoted to silent prayer. Here endeth this week's lies. Goodbye.