The Bugle - Biden His Time (4219)

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

Andy is with Hari Kondabolu and Helen Zaltzman to look up and down at the last year in the USA. Has Biden done anything yet, what about Trump? Is he real? Also, Winter Olympics! Royal News! Groundhog news!Does anyone read this?This show has no ads, support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanHari KondaboluHelen ZaltzmanProduced by Reverend Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Budweers, and welcome to issue 4,219 of the Budweers audio newspaper for a world

that may well be visual, but is still a stone cold thingy at most of the time. I'm Andy Zoltzman coming to recordedly live from the shed of unquenchable truth in South London, and if you listen very carefully, you can probably smell with your ears the putridity emanating from Downing Street some six or seven miles north of here can you hear it? There it was it was unmistakable wasn't it you're getting it you're getting it I'm definitely getting it it's like a cross between the stench a wheeze and a squirt turn it up and play it backwards later it's definitely there but joining me at someone who I've known since she could belch but not speak a balance that she is largely rectified over subsequent years into the quibbling sibling Helen's ultimate.

Thank you Andy. Thank you. Welcome back to the to the bugle. I'd love him to have you have you on again. How was so I was aware of Christmas. How how how do then and elis Christmas work out for you? Well, we were quarantined with COVID, so we have an everyone less Christmas, so you could have been there for a line-u. I didn't go. It sounds like you had a very nice one without the rest of us.

It was sensational and unusually hot as Christmases go. Very normal, it was in incorrect hemisphere. I'm joining us, someone who by the most striking of contrasts, never occupied Alison Zoltzman's womb. But nevertheless, everyone is welcome on the bugle. You made it weird! Particularly. Almost a year since it was last on due to a business. It's Harry Condabolo. Welcome back, Harry. How are you? I appreciate being back Andy and I want to apologize for anything I did that forced you to put me into bugle exile. You can call it busyness if you'd like but I think we all know that I had been banned. So, but I appreciate it. Thank you for forgiving me. Was it the stuff I said about cricket? Not being as good as baseball baseball could that have done it?

That definitely did it. Okay. I'm not afraid to cancel people who say it can be insiable. Well, I'll stop telling the truth then. And what's even better than baseball is themed mini golf. And I will not take that back. I've canceled my own sister, she's sister. So how's the last year? Thank you, Harry. You followed the news. It's I've been home a lot. I have a child. Did I

have a baby child when we last spoke? You did? So he's 16 months. He has destroyed many things already He is beautiful. He takes up most of my time. I am happy My favorite thing first, well, let me say I just slip that in I'm happy Which by the way means that my career and comedies is I'll be I'll be producing soon is what that means I'll be I'll be producing no more writing and performing. But yeah, I love having a kid and I haven't shared this with anybody yet. One of the things that I love the most is that when people piss me off,

I think to myself, my son will avenge me. And it makes everything feel so much better. And do you put pictures of these people up next to your child's cats or bed? A little mobile dangling over him of all your mortal enemies. Yeah. I mean most kids will have the pictures of their heroes in the room and I want enemies

up. I want them to always keep their eyes on the prize. Your father needs the destruction of that Twitter person whose name I really might do not know but you must find them. You must find this person. Hunt them down. I don't think we had pictures of heroes on our walls growing up because I don't think our parents wanted us to grow up with aspirations. No, we had pictures of the grass on the walls. Oh, yeah, which is I aspire to be like those grouse Quite odd tenacious despite lacking in any kind of aesthetic merit Which is odd because I don't think anyone in our family has ever slain a grouse which um not yet

No, I guess it's something to aspire to So I recorded on Monday the 7th of February. Tomorrow the 8th of February is World Opera Day. So if you're going to have a conversation on the 8th of February, please make it ostentatiously melodic, over-emotional and totally incomprehensible. For World Opera Day we have a special opera section in the bin including reviews all the latest opera books including I've forgotten how to talk to you mind if I warble the autobiography of Dame prunelia staunch lever who famously caused the evacuation of Birmingham city centre during rehearsals for labi scott to delimoncelli when mistaken for a nuclear attack warning siren also we review if you can't say in ten words, sing it in 100 and opera librettists guide to conversation by Professor Ernold Halberd and everyday opera skills.

To order coffee, comprehensive, we as a soprano, a tenors guide to singing your way out of a hostage situation, the key seem to be persistence and volume. And Verdi for Vets, turns out you can spay a cat, uneasthatized with a well sung blast of Latravierta. We also review a couple of new operas. Can you turn it down a bit? I've just got the baby to sleep by a roaded Andrew and Arley Smiles, one of the top parenting operas

of recent times, and of course Ernie Snittles and the Porcupine. Another section in the bin this week, an audio tapestry. Section, obviously, arts and crafts have become more and more popular over the last 8,000 years. And we give you an audio tapestry of a city scape, simply weave together. The 3,000 years and we give you an audio tapestry of a city scape simply weave together the 3000 sound effects we will give you over the next 70 odd years of the bugle one a week to get a snapshot of life in a generic rendering

of a big city. To start you off here are the first three effects. Special prize for whoever can tell us what city it is once you piece it all together do submit your entries by the 31st of December 2092 for your chance to win an animatronic robot version of yourself at the age of your choosing which we assume will be available by then with a bugle logo tattooed across its face. Are those sections in the bin? Top story this week. America is still not entirely happy with itself. Harry, it's been a while, so you said almost a year since you were last on the bugle.

That was quite early on in the reign of Joe Biden as president. How would you say things are now compared with almost a year ago, in terms of just the general state of the state of the nation and your general state as someone who lives in that nation. It's about the same. I think the word rain is generous. It's more of a substituting. He's like a substitute teacher, just filling a spot until like somebody who should be there is there, you know? He's just, he's just, he's just, he's just grandpa holding the fort, you know what I mean?

Well, I can, I can feel in the tone of your voice that you're, you know, a wildly optimistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess that's, that's the term. Now, Donald Trump, God rest his soul, back in the news this week with his former vice president, Stroke Chief Enabler, Mike Pence, dismissing claims that he could have stopped Biden becoming president using some magical made up vice presidential power. He said, I think pretty much for the first time, President Trump is wrong. I had no rights to overturn the election. The presidency belongs to the

American people and the American people alone. So you are, you part own the presidency. Is there any, I mean, how is your relationship with the Trump era retrospectively now after this latest flare-up? Well, it's a funny thing. I was reading up about the Pence thing, which by the way, all he did was state a fact. You know what I mean? It wasn't an essay question where you can interpret it multiple ways.

It was a true or false, and he said that was false. And there's no such thing as true or false anymore, Harry, that is. Well, that's the thing. Like I started, like that, like I didn't understand how this could be possible. And then all of a sudden it jogged my memory for a year and a half ago.

Like it felt like I had blocked the last four years of the tweets and the meanness and all that. And all of a sudden it hit me that all those things happened. And I got very emotional and upset because I had put it in a place I didn't want to ever get to but then I agreed to do this program and so I had to read about it Right, so we tried to do essentially. Oh, it's awful because the idea of up up and down and left right all being the same and The rules one day change the next day like I need the consistency. I need structure in my life And what you just want all facial the consistency, I need structure in my life.

And you just want all facial the time. I just want all facts. I want the truth. And I didn't say facts, Harry. I said, Fash. I mean, I give the story is so frustrating because again, legally according to the Constitution which is the document everyone sites as the end all he is not allowed to not certify the election. He has no power to do it.

He could have delayed it possibly. He could have faked a stomach ache. He could have made some bathroom trips, a bomb threat, fire alarm, goes, there was some small choices he could have made, but nothing that could have really changed the outcome of the election. And even like people who are writing from the left, they keep saying he condemned Trump and he did not. He just said that the fact, he said was was in was in curb. He didn't say Joe Biden won the election

He didn't say Donald Trump of may you know his actions led to the insurrection on the Capitol He didn't say there was no voter fraud. No, he just said a thing that is lit that is literally incorrect He did not show any strength Mike Pence more like Mike Farthing just said a thing that is literally incorrect. He did not show any strength. Mike Pence, more like Mike Farthing. Oh, wow, bring decimalization jokes. See, see, you didn't expect that. I didn't, not coming from you.

You can't, you can't, I do that. I do that, I do that. I do that in the currencies. All the rambling before, which posed as some kind of political discourse. No, just try to set up an old currency joke. Hey, what a pro. I have a question.

What is Mike Pence up to? Because if he's going, no, I couldn't have done that. It sounds like he's trying to distance himself from the whole Trump thing. Is that because he's planning to run for president? Is that because he's planning to run for president? That, or he, for the first time, thought about history and what his place in it is, but most likely because he wants to run for president. Is it not because I mean, he's famously a God-fearing man. And it, but possibly, he suddenly realized that he really ought to be fearing God even more

than he used to after the festival of anti-Christian values That was the Trump Pence years correct. So when he does meet his God He's God is gonna be fucking cross with him Isn't he and I mean maybe this is this is he's factoring in to his I mean, obviously God is a little behind on the paperwork Probably still stuck somewhere around the mid-16th century working out who shouldn't shouldn't be set on fire But you know it at some, Mike Pence is gonna have to front up to God and issue him a strongly worded apology. I don't think Pence fears God as much as he fears

human women. He calls. He calls. He calls. And now, coming smart could finish him. He calls his wife mother, doesn't he? I believe that's true. He calls his his wife mother like now Was it considered sexy when people call men daddy in a Yeah, but they don't but they don't say father nor so they don't say father. I don't know what people do. Oh, yeah father

Victorian role play. I don't know. Yes mother. Yes. Give me some breakfast mother. I am hungry Steve Bannon was very cross with Mike Pence Helen. I know you've always been a massive fan of Steve Bannon of be sure trying to get get him on your I think that's like a landy for years I've seen the tattoo He said you will carry this to your grave to Mike Pence, which is, I mean, Bergenweather Steve Baan very much has the the the the the me end, the the aura of someone who is not only spiritually but physically reporting from the bowels of hell. spiritually but physically reporting from the bowels of hell. That's quite a scarlet circulation. You'll carry this to your grave.

Why is anyone giving Steve Bannon press? Trump has hinted in classic Trumpic fashion that if he wins a second term in 2024, and let's just have a few moments to contemplate that we live in a world where that is even a remote theoretical possibility, and then a few more moments to reflect on the fact that at long last we have beyond conclusive proof that we live in a godless universe. But if Trump wins a second term, he would pardon many of those charged for attacking the capital last January the 6th in the final throbbing lunacies of his reign. I mean, he's proved himself thus to be essentially a despot and also a coward. So if you will

a chicken Caesar. Um, oh, that's not bad. I actually don't know either. Never make a joke about Caesar salads that imply they're anything to do with Julia Caesar, because I once did that and I heard for about two years from people correcting me. Even though I already knew it was a different Caesar, so goodbye to your life.

Who was correcting you? One, because you listened to podcast. Sorry no For some of you could really use some more these Is it really possible that he could not only run but when do you think Harry? I really hope we're underwater by then I'll be honest with you And this is from a new father I I really hope we're underwater as opposed to this human being running the show again.

Yeah, I do think it's possible. Yes. Yes, I do think it's possible that that mistake gets repeated again. Yes. I mean, we did on the bugle many years ago joke about the prospect of Donald Trump becoming president. Chris, I can't remember exactly when that was. Was it 2012 or?

It happened more than once. But yeah, around then. Something we ever thought even humorously about the possibility of him serving two non-consecative terms. I grow over Cleveland. as it's a relative. Sorry to be a downer, but isn't it possible that Trump won't serve a second turn because someone much better at being evil will do it? Oh, the Antichrist return.

Yeah, the Antichrist. Yeah. Back for a second turn. It's possible. So we are a year into, so we are just over a year into Biden's term, term of office. I mean, clearly, this is a tricky job being president of America at the best of times, but taking over after, look, I guess it was like taking over as curator of a Ming Vars museum from Randy Trevor, the Ming Vazer file bull.

There's a lot of physical and reputational mess to clear up, a lot of things to fix, no real prospect to people. You ought to get out of their heads, the images of what has happened. But I mean, how would you assess Biden so far, Ari? It has been very disappointing. And it is right, you're right. He inherited a disaster, but he also has a Democratic House and Senate. He's been unable to easily get an inferred structure bill through that was a struggle. Restoring voting rights, ending the filibuster,

all the things we foolishly thought were possible, were impossible, are impossible. And the reason for that is that there have been two Democratic senators that have gotten the way that Joe Manchin and Kristen Sinema, who I'm sure are still Democrats to avoid all the paperwork to formally become Republicans. Like it's weird having a Democratic majority when you have those two as part of the majority is like being in an open relationship where only your partners allowed to see other people. You know how quite a lot of places in the US have animals as mayors, like idle wild

California's got like golden retriever as mayor? Everyone loves that. So why not a golden retriever president? That would be popular. And probably not as bad as a lot of the humans who've done it. Yeah, only having a visible enthusiasm. A lot of good vibes. Yeah, exactly. But the shedding though.

Right. Get like a Labradoodle. Then they don't shed. Moving north of the the border, Helen, a huge scandal involving another animal in the Canadian town of Wyatt and involving a groundhog. Yes, Wyatt and Willie is a famous Albino groundhog who does the groundhog day thing of coming out prognosticating the weather, except it seems like the life of Wharton Willie or Wharton Willie's has been marked

by a lot of scandal, lies, tragedy. Wharton Willie did not appear in last year's groundhog day? because it was livestream for coronavirus, but Why don't we was actually dead died of a tooth abscess and because he's now be no groundhog quite hard to replace in a hurry because most of them are brown but I do wonder why people would be that upset by an animal, which has supposedly be popping up like for decades. This tradition has been going on. That an animal would die. We know that animals are mortal. A groundhog such as Wharton-Willie, their life expectancy is like 10 years. Right. So why be upset? Why not? The last, the previous

Wharton Willie, they died two days before Groundhog Day, and they couldn't source a standing in time. So they had a funeral for him instead, except he was played by a taxidermied Groundhog that died a while ago, because Wharton Willie was too putrid. So you can't, you really can't. I mean, part of the problem was the fact that they couldn't easily replace the groundhog because they needed a white albino groundhog with red eyes, like just use a regular groundhog. White supremacy works in mysterious ways.

Yeah, well this year they've gone for a regular groundhog, which I guess now they can bump it off every year and easily subit in. Why didn't they try a weekend at Bernie's solution? Easily could have played a recording of the groundhog making sounds, maybe stuffed it with a remote controlled car to move it around. I would have gotten them through the day. Yeah, the first ever Wharton-Willie Groundhog event in 1956, the Groundhog was actually played by a fur hat. Pfft! Do you know what happened?

I think because... I don't know that. ...of my sources. Because there was a local resident called Mack McKenzie who wanted to show off Wharton to friends and so decided a groundhog day gathering would be it and a reporter from the Toronto star showed up and ultimately there was no groundhog day event because it was really just a big piss up and the reporter was like well if I'm going to expense this I need to see

a fucking groundhog. So Mac McKenzie just put his wife's furry hat in a snow drift. And that was the first groundhog in Wharton. I hope that residents take some solace, that this is a stupid ritual that will hopefully end with their children. Have we considered replacing the President of the United States with a hat? Oh, I think that really happened. Could it be worse?

In Abraham Lincoln's time, I think. Oh, it was smart for Lincoln to build a coalition with his hat. Yes, and they worked very harmoniously together. but I think the hack could have done a pretty solid job. I reckon, I mean, who came after Lincoln? Was it Jackson? No, it was Johnson, Andrew Johnson. Johnson, I think I'm a Johnson. How have we done a better job? The hack would have done a better job, I reckon.

The Groundhog, if the Groundhog saw it shadowed, there'd be six more weeks of winter. That is the tradition, both in the US and in Canada. It is also the only climate change that Republicans believe in. Winter Olympics news now, and it is underway. The Winter Olympics, the Quadrennial Festival of people saying f**k you to physics or pushing stones very slowly along the floor. It's a curious one, Beijing 2022 because of all the stuff that's happened around and happens around Beijing. And the opening ceremony, well, I mean, it tried to send out a message of unity that was, well, slightly undermined by the fact that unity has been in somewhat short supply

in China, particularly in certain parts of China. Hurry, how did you enjoy the opening ceremony? I was curious what China's Muslim population, or as the weger, thought of it, but they really weren't able to share their opinion because they're probably in some underground prison somewhere. There are so many reasons why I hate this. This whole Olympics, first of all, so many human rights were violated in just the building of all Olympic stadiums. It's not even people's favorite Olympics. It's the winter ones.

That's like the second favorite Olympics. So all these people are dying. I mean, people are dying for curling, which if you didn't know the sport just looks like ice-rink maintenance, right, with brooms and some kind of stone buffing device. Like, why are we doing this for something a small percentage of people care about? Well, I go against that, and I think Helen, you're on side with me here. I think this is the greatest Olympics, the Winter Olympics, the greatest of all the two different Olympics is because, I mean, I think humans were, you know,

generally we have been constrained by physics. And for most of human history, people haven't done, you know, 1920 degree pirouettes in the air while flying down a mountain with a bit of wood on their feet. And I think this shows what is possible, not only in terms of our conquering of the natural world, but also of what we have to do increasingly, the level of skill required to be able to overlook the human rights abuses that are going on behind the scenes because I think if it was only a 1080, I don't know that'd be enough

on this snowball now, but now it's up to 1920. I think we can pretty much overlook anything. Now I mean that is spectacular stuff. Sorry, it was such a long sentence, I forgot. I've never started this before, especially. You must be a bit of a shaman. When it sort. It's a very special message. You must be a fan of it. What is sort of a counter to question, and then it's show. I've had two birthdays since that sentence began.

Ha ha ha. I mean, where else can we see a competition where a nation like Haiti has little to no chance of winning other than at the Winter Olympics and global capitalism. Isn't that something? Also, if you didn't know, Haydye has an alpine skier that is competing, which should be a Disney movie. Yeah, matter of time. Just a matter of time. Surely, some of the movies that might be made about this this Olympics might not be the happiest. There's been numerous complaints from

participants about the the level of service They're getting Complaints that they're having to compete and it's too cold in the cross-country skiing Polo speed skater Natalia Malashevska said she's been living in fear in a Beijing COVID isolation ward. She was released back to the Olympic Village, but then taken from her room at 3am back to the Icelandic relation ward due to the administrative blooper. She said, I've cried until I have no more tears. My heart and mind can't take this anymore. Which it is, you might not be having the Olympics for a dream,

but she is halfway to a decent blues album. The finished ice hockey player Marco Antilla has claimed he's been kept in COVID isolation. having the Olympics for a dream, which is halfway to a decent blues album. The Finnish isarchy player Marco Antiller has claimed he's been kept in Covid isolation. For no reason and the Finnish doctor said these decisions are not based on medicine or science, it's more cultural and political. I don't know what the political beef between Finland and China is, but I mean there must be something, some in Lake jealousy, perhaps. We don't know. The German ski coach Christian Schveger, Kompäne, there was no hot food for athletes. He said the catering is extremely questionable

because it's not really catering at all, which gets quite philosophical, doesn't it? You know, when is catering not catering, he said there are crisps, nuts, chocolate, nothing else. That's three of the five main food groups, and I'm wind about missing two of them. I thought the Olympic Village had a KFC in it. Well, this time? Really? Yeah. Or maybe there are only serving nuts, crisps, and chocolates. It's very off-brand. One of the highlights of the opening ceremony was Vladimir Putin, much of the news. Falling asleep when Ukrainian team entered the arena.

Or, I mean, I don't know if he was actually asleep. But Helena, I remember when we were kids and we went on long car journeys and you would flatly deny having been asleep. Yes, and it was never asleep on those journeys, Andy. In the back of the car. You can't prove all that. Absolutely denied.

I was faking it. As a protest against an Olympic team. Yes. Because of a basic level troll. Poutine is obviously being childish, but it's better than his other idea, which was to do a crotch chop and say suck it. Suck it, Ukraine! So in that way, he took the high road. He might have done that afterwards.

Yes, yes. So, Russian athletes were prohibited from competing for Russia, but they are competing as the Russian Olympic Committee and wearing the Russian flag and Putin was there, so how are they banned exactly? Well, they're banned exactly in that way, way Helen that they they have to have Olympic Committee or Olympic Committee after the name of their country every updates worst nightmare well exactly I don't think the international sporting community can send a stronger message about About institutionalized cheating and making people have a slightly longer country name I don't you know, I don't see what else what else they could possibly do

have a slightly longer country name. I don't see what else they could possibly do. Well, also think about all the jersey sales that they're going to lose in Russia from speed skating and curling and any number of sports which are very popular all the time and not just for a two-week period every four years. that's really the tragedy. Royal family news now, and Helen, I know you're obsessed with the Royal family and have been ever since birth. You were born, of course, famously. In time to see Charles and Diana marry the following year, that's your devotion to the Royal

Zezan institution. And Britain can now rest easy because the Queen has said that Camilla, the wife of Prince Charles, will, she wants her to be Queen consort. Obviously, you know, I mean, not Princess consort, like some kind of fucking idiot. The degradation of being Princess, not Queen. But I mean, all the things that have been tearing Britain apart over recent years, you know, Brexit, Covid, Boris Johnson, all the things that have, that have, sounded us as a nation. I mean, worrying about the exact title that Camilla will have when Prince Charles, that's probably the biggest thing dividing our nation, you know.

Yeah, it's been keeping me awake since Charles and Camilla got married in 2005. And the plan was just to call her Princess Consort, even though it's usual practice to call the Royal Wives Queen Consort when their husbands become king. But it was a disc, it's not Diana, but now the queen is like, yeah, she can be queen consort, that's what I want.

And just look, it's not like one on my other children is awaiting a trial for sex crimes. This is the important shit, right? You know, it's like, they're building her a chair from which to look at peasants below and they're like, well, we said it was only going to be 17 meters high, but it's going to be 18 meters. Is it still important? This is. below and they're like, well, we said it was only going to be 17 meters high, but it's going to be 18 meters. Is it still important? This is. Is it still special to be the queen for the first time when you're 80? Like, is that still a big deal? Like, oh, I'm finally the queen. I'm 80 years old. So now I can live quietly as other people take care of me. like I was 80 in a care facility,

like absolutely nothing is different when you become queen at 80. So why? Ask Joe Biden what it was like because it was 78. Oh, no. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. A quick UK politics update now. We reported on the publication of the Sue Gray report last week and Boris Johnson is so well he's fighting on the Muhammad Ali of our times

floating like a well-cops, stinging like a lemon squeezed into our national eyeball. There's been a slew of resignations from within the Downing Street staff, including his head of policy, Minirum Merza, who resigned over Johnson's baseless, horse-shitteress claim that Keir Stammer, the leader of the Labour Party, when he was Director of Public Prosecution, had chosen not to prosecute Jimmy Savile. She described it as a scourulous accusation, which is a fancy talk for a massive lie in the House of Commons, which would ordinarily be a resignation offense, but we live in the post decency times. I think he's got a new head of propaganda, Guto Harry, who very generously today said his boss is, quote, not a complete clown.

today said his boss is quotes not a complete clown. Is this the summit of our national ambitions now Helen to have a promise to who's not a complete clown? I think he's right Boris Johnson is not a complete clown. I don't think he's even partial clown. I think he's a highly calculating conscious free heuristic twat. Right. Is that what clowns are? I mean clowns are very very calculating sort of behind all that. I suppose you do have to know how you're going to fall down so you don't hurt yourself. Yeah. Also when they had their first meeting having hired Gutehori they sang glory again as I will survive to each other. Swapping lines.

Yes. Um, which includes of course the that I spent so many nights just feeling sorry for myself, I used to cry, which is not what you want in a Prime Minister. There's all this talk of, you know, this tongue-aim of global crises. We don't want a Prime Minister who is weeping himself to sleep in a fog of self-pity, but that does appear to be what we have. Because Harry also said he's not the devil, like some of mischaracterized him, and I hope we haven't mischaracterized Boris Johnson as the devil. No, he's a very human. Well, I mean, the devil has a far greater grip on detail logistics, messaging and leadership.

So Jacob Riesmog, again, one of his chief enablers, the Archduke of the NACRONISON, the MP for much brazen and uppity, tried to excuse Johnson's behaviour by pointing out that he'd won the election for a Johnson in 2019 and therefore has a mandate. It turns out as a mandate to do whatever the f**k he wants. Now that isn't really how mandates work. And also I don't remember that bit of the manifesto from which he got his mandate. I mean obviously no one read the manifesto maybe that's the problem but I don't remember the bit about him you know outright lying in in Parliament and breaking his own laws and just generally displaying a phenomenal lack of sensitivity in a delicate situation but if this is how democracy works and emphatically it's not maybe we should be thankful that Johnson restricted himself to just ignoring his own laws,

and not always hitting the trouble 20 of truth with his parliamentary darts. Because according to Jacob Reesmog, we had in effect voted for him to do, he could have been throwing 50 kittens into a cement mixer every morning, live on children's television. He could have replaced the Senate off with an animatronic statue of himself moving towards Big Ben He could have launched a nuclear attack on Canada because he won that election according to the Reese Moggill theory of politics So perhaps we should be thankful that he is merely debasing democracy and the office of Prime Minister Well, that brings the end of this week's Bugal. Don't forget to buy your tickets to my stand-up tour, which begins on the 25th of February in Levington Spa details. On the internet,

we've also added some dates in May at the Soho Theatre. Do come to all of those shows. It is the satirist for hire show to do submit your satirical requests for topics for me to satirize at the show you're coming to to satirize this at satiristforhier.com. Helen, what do you want to plug at the moment? Well, there's my podcast, The Illusionist, which is about to come back for 2022. I also did a guest spot on the podcast Bullseye interviewing the actor, Kristen Bell. All right. Yeah, which is strange. Is it a Darts podcast or? Yeah, we talked for an hour about Darts,

which she doesn't play. So she was just mystified as to why she was there. There's a nice for everything in the podcast world. Ari. I am going on tour for the first time in two years as a result of a global pandemic. So it'll be all spring, a few dates, March 10th to 12th in Burlington, Vermont, the Vermont Comedy Club, March 24th to 26th at the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee, April 2nd at the Grand Opera House in Wilmington, Delaware, and April 7th

through 9th at the Comedy Loft in Washington, D.C. and you can get information at hurrycunderbolo.com. Again, this is asterisk pending the state of the global pandemic. Don't forget to join the Bugle Voluntary Subscription Scheme to give a one-off or a curing donation to keep the show free, flirting and independent. Go to to BuglePockast.com where you can also, if you take out a premium level subscription, have a lie told about you, are the following people. This week's lies are entirely related to the Winter Olympics. Simon Blunt is disappointed by the use of only blue and red as the colours for the flags and gates in Alpine skiing events.

He explains, the last thing I want when I'm watching people wang in themselves down a mountain at 80 miles an hour is to be thinking, is this supposed to be some kind of satire on the cyclical nature of American politics? And that you have to somehow try to negotiate your way from Democrat to Republican and back again, going right to the extreme edge of each to stay in play, hoping you don't get things wrong and have a terrible accident. That's not what I want when I'm watching sports. I just want to watch the sport. Jennifer Schubert agrees and goes one step further than that even and says,

look, if they're going to turn skiing into a satire on the pointlessness of American bipartisan party politics, I think they need to make it a bit less oblique. I'd rather they had to ski between alternate pairs of actual donkeys and elephants. In fact, I'd rather see that anyway, especially as you could easily end up with the magnificent sight of a champion skier zooming into the finish area in hot pursuit of a herd of confused, gravity-addled elephants and donkeys. I would definitely watch that, she concludes. Whilst rightly mesmerised by the extraordinarily multifaceted skills of Icehockey, Sam East believed the sport could be improved if the attacking team could physically move the

goal. It would bring a new dimension to the tactics of hockey, postulate Sam, and it would make life a bit more exciting for the goldenders travel broadened to the mind as they say and you could have a couple of extra players on the ice as well as gold shifters there always seem to be a lot of spare folks sitting around waiting for something to do which seems very wrong in this busy busy world. Tor Oestine andreson meanwhile is quadrennually annoyed by Olympic figure skating. Look I appreciate the skill of a skater, says Thor, and the fact that the sport heroically sustains the global sequin industry. But why oh why are these people allowed to choose their own music and practice for it in advance?

Where's the skill in that? They shouldn't know what tunes they have to skate to until they get on the ice, and then they should improvise their twiddly, twiddly, and spinny jump jumps or whatever they're called, around a medley of pop, classical, jazz, funk, grime and grunge. And finally, Chris Billing, admires ski jumping and the people who are prepared to do it for the entertainment of others but believes that it too could be improved by introducing an element of medieval jousting. Let's face it says Chris, it does get a little bit repetitive after a while and it's not as if luck and pole vault they're having to jump over an increasingly wide crevass in the ice.

So let's stick another amp at the other end of the arena, give them each a big stick and some armor and watch the viewing figures go through the roof. Hit end if this week's icy lies. Goodbye. Goodbye.