The Bugle - Black Holes and Brexit - Bugle 4105
Episode Date: April 15, 2019Andy and Alice stare into the face of a black hole, but enough about Brexit. There's also unicorn news, Australian rugby homophobia and condoms!Listen to the show on the Entale app.Thanks to:Mark Adam...sDan McJonathan Kaley-IsleyMatthew GwynneGregor HoffmanLucy PerroneBartek SieprackiBat Wench(Anonymous Donor) M RDavid Dodwell-BennettTim Prollins(Anonymous Donor) E WRenan SantosMike Pence Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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I am Andy Zoltzman, which is about the only thing I can state with any level of certainty
in the world these days.
Or is it, I'm not even sure about that anymore, that might be others, but so hard to say.
This week's show was recorded at the Brighton Podcast Festival in Brighton on Friday 12th
of April 2019. If you like this show or
indeed any of the other up to 397 full episodes of The Bugle you could have listened to
and want to voluntarily subscribe financially go to the BuglePodcast.com and click the
donate button. Right, let's get started with the show from Brighton.
We join the action with me and his ultimate welcoming Alice Fraser from Melbourne, Australia via the magical witchcraft of the internet.
Here we go. Please welcome Alice Fraser!
Hello Alice.
Hello Andy. Hello Bugleys. How are you?
Andy, hello, bugleers, how are you?
Alice is down the other end of this web because why everybody wave Alice?
She is... You're all so beautiful, hello.
Don't judge them on their looks. Alice, judge them as people.
I can't see the faces, I just mean emotionally.
They're not pieces of emotional meat.
I've been doing the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, so any large crowd of enthusiastic
people who don't hate me on site is a bonus.
It is show last night of Friday night in Melbourne to people who had no idea who I was and they
looked at me not even like angry just like I was a penguin like
What's she trying to do?
Well, so a range of 13,000 miles. We'll have to try and make sure this goes better than that. So um
Right Alice is reporting from tomorrow. So how's
How's the future
Yeah, it's good. Although if we're going on Friday night shows,
this is going to go terribly, Andy.
Yeah, I should, I should be in synagogue right now.
Shouldn't I technically,
I'll resurcompose myself after the gig. Just my right.
Helping grow back, Andy.
Does it have a problem?
Right, let's move on.
Top Story this week.
Top Story this week.
Well, there's only one place to start here in Brexit Britain and
that is with our Brexit potential crisis. We've been awarded six bonus months of additional
bickering, naval gazing and absolutely f*** all being done. We continue to defy all science by achieving simultaneous total chaos and total inaction.
F*** you, Newton. You have been owned.
Yes, Andy. In the great British tradition of making traditions out of pointless grinding
and borderline degrading experiences, Brexit continues to win its endless way through the winding bylands of indiscriminate political
flacidity. Never has so much hot air lifted so few balloons.
Oh, that is a beautiful phrase. And to be honest, Alice, what time is it in Melbourne right
now? It's now 6.03 a.m. I woke up at 4 o'clock in the morning and I went to sleep at 1 o'clock in the morning, so I am saying hi.
So to achieve that level of coherence in no circumstances, that is truly heroic.
So, um, that's all I've ever wanted Andy, good considering the circumstances.
That's what this show has always been about.
Well, what is going to happen next is nothing.
We're in a bizarre, we're in a sort of shredding as Brexit situation at the moment where we're
I think maybe that's the ideal compromise, just a permanent shredding as Brexit. Mae'n gwaith yw'r cympromais, yn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymd deadline. I guess you can understand why more and more people have MPs have come behind her deal because I guess the closer you get to the ground, the more tempting it is to
use that parachute made of lettuce. Because, you know, why the f*** not? And I mean, now
and Missy, we're now in a situation where we've already just bounced off the ground back
into the air. And we now just want to lessen the impact of our second landing, but the
point, the point stand. And people have said, you know, it's not really her fault.
I mean, yeah, I mean, it's not her fault with this impossible task that is she has failed to drive
the Robin Reliance of our national destiny to the top of Kilimanjaro,
but it is at least partially her fault that she has crashed that Robin Reliance 12 times into the same ditch
just outside Croydon on the A23 heading south towards Africa. Now,
I was mostly Australian reaction to the Brexit delay being, you know, I mean,
he's ever one excited that we might come back and relaunch empire. I think we're hoping we'll get a better
deal on visas to the UK. Right. And that's about it. I think we do quite enjoy watching
England make fools of themselves, whether it's in cricket or politics. What do you might get both
this year? But generally this sort of the nature of political polarization is that people start taking
their cues from countries that have no irrelevance.
I used to do social media for a television show in Australia, and the number of people
who were like, Trump is coming for you.
I imagine that the current social media girl is getting Brexit's coming for you, even though
it's completely irrelevant.
We don't really have a national identity, Andy.
It's just kangaroos.
I don't like it on the plus side.
We're all just dust in the wind of history anyway.
So it's interesting, the reaction to the Brexit delay from the European media and the world media in Germany.
This was an article from Manfreder Schnitzelhaus, who is the Politiker's good correspondent
from the National newspaper, the Schnoutspeeler National Shafton Ggroizen Gepäper.
English language paper. She said Britain is indulging in a display of national
naval gazing, not seen since General Franco made the entire population of Spain gather
in a field outside Salamanca to watch a pile of oranges slowly rot.
It's a naval joke there, just...
I'm not sure, but I did naval gazing. I think it's more performing open stomach surgery
on ourselves and trying to read the future of mastil twitching entrails.
From France, the economist Omblumatic de Boulogier-Rac, writing in the Parisian day La Vlurios
Ballionneurs des évors, et des réelites globularist. British politics is still chasing its own tail.
Only to remember that it has already caught
and eaten its own tail.
So it's then vomiting its tail back up,
sticking it back on its own ass with cellar tape,
chasing it again, eating it again, eating the tape
and the traces of puke as well,
chundering all that back up and saying,
my tail hurts, and then blaming Europe
for not feeding it a balanced diet.
This headline from the Finland Today newspaper, stick floating in lake police aware. Russia's, Russia's, one of Russia's national newspapers,
Giovanni Diattel, woodpecker today, state-run newspaper,
he says, this is going very well.
And the Syrian daily, the Dama scene Gazette,
said it is the ordinary people of Britain,
we feel most sorry for, caught in the middle of an
unnecessary destructive political conflict
that has been allowed to escalate through a combination of short-termism and arrogance
and now has no satisfactory solution.
PASS BORTS
This is a very exciting... We got new passports this week.
They've excised the words European Union from new passports this week. They've they've excised the words European Union from from our passports and
Obviously after Brexit we won't need passports
We'll go back to the old system where we just turn up around the world with a copy of the Magna Carta
Waggle it in people's faces and scream if it wasn't for us you'd still be speaking Roman
But it's quite interesting on people's home to people are so passionate about the British passport.
What exactly, when you look at the British passport, that image there, we've got a lion and
a unicorn. What more appropriate image for Brexit Britannia, an animal that last lived here
about 40,000 years ago, and an animal that has never existed does not currently exist and
only has any hope of existing in future with significant international cooperation in the
scientific field.
Yeah, if it were going to be scientifically real, it would be one of those things that male
scientists would be very good at finding. Family show, Alice.
Family show.
It's got some great...
I was just talking about how unicorns are lorded in by virgins.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, I got it.
I just didn't like it.
Cool.
Very much like Brexit itself.
Then we got some great traditional British phrases on the passport,
Dje, Imon, Doa.
A great British phrase.
God and my right of deity, we've largely given up on an
a sense of entitlement, again seems bizarrely appropriate.
And then this is actually Old English,
I don't even see that there.
Oni, often mispronounced, Ony Swaki, Mali Pors.
Actually, it's an old English phrase pronounced
honnetsuit, quid mali pence, serchiorsyrian English,
and it translates roughly as honey, cit.
I'll give you a quid, male, yes, penis.
Oh.
Oh.
Right.
BELL RINGS
Breaking news. The government has just called a snap Olympics.
Right! Alice, we're now finished opening sexing.
It's incomprehensible massiveness of the universe news now and Alice, you're the bugles
universe correspondent, some exciting news from the world of black holes.
Yes indeed, Andy, the first ever real picture of a black hole has been revealed, people
are hailing it and as an historic moment for science. And of course, the world being what it is, people
have immediately politicized this 54 million light-year away problem.
Because the fact that a woman did the algorithm that helped us
to see the whole and people have immediately judged her
for not having a high resolution, enough picture of this thing,
that is 54 million light years away and literally cannot be seen by the human
art. Well, and also coincidentally 54 million years is when on current progress there will be gender
pay equality. So it seems kind of appropriate. So here's a picture of it. What a sensational black hole
that is. Easily, it's a vast chasm of nothingness
that pulls in all matter, light and energy
to quote my own online dating profile.
And various reviews in Sir Your Own Brexit joke here.
What exactly is a black hole, Alice?
Well, that's a question to be determined, Andy,
but it's a place where it sucks in all the light and everything.
6.5 billion times more mass than the sun,
the venturize in possibly if you look into it,
you see a big guy looking back.
Right, because some scientists actually claim
it is the last festees of a dying God.
For example, what we see in that picture might actually be the swirling vortex created by the last slurps of milk taken by Bastet, the Egyptian cat goddess, or it could be the imploding butthole of Zeus.
We just don't know. So how much do you have a juice to show about the Exploding Path of the Pseud? Oh, it mines.
6.5 billion times heavier than the sun.
This black hole. I mean, they better even publish the photo
and already the tabloids are body-shaming it.
And it's just the way the world, isn't it?
Well, not the world.
54 million light years away, this thing, and yet
I still feel closer to it emotionally and spiritually than I do to Jacob Reesmog. And
the MP for West caricature. And it is big enough to swallow entire tire stars, but won't eat its cause yet
Just can't get it to eat cause yet nothing nothing
Um, there's one for any parents out there
Do you have any more black hole news Alice?
I did but it got sucked through a vortex
Well, let's move on instead then to... ...condom news now. Alice, you are the Bugles' prophylactic technology correspondent.
Yes, I am, Andy, in exciting news now, PR people are surprisingly bad at their jobs because they
have invented a condom as a publicity initiative that requires four hands to open and they threw that out
on the market to start a conversation about consent and most people started a
conversation about how shit they were at their jobs.
What I mean what happens if there are only three hands at the table or one hand?
You know, you can't judge,
and also the whole idea being that this is going to,
this is gonna incentivize potential rapists
to get extra hands in on the,
it's like doing a room,
like you're already, when you're having sex,
it's complicated enough to figure out what's going on
without a Rubik's cube to solve. There are other devices, I mean, it is clearly produced
against pirates and certain clerics.
But there are other devices available to ensure consent
in sexual incoherent cases.
There are other devices that are available to ensure consent in sexual incursion. The idea is you've got to have two hands to... But there are other devices that are available
to ensure consent in sexual encounters or encounters,
whichever way you want to go.
Those devices to ensure consent include the human brain,
a basic sense of right and wrong, and the law.
But I guess if you don't have access to those
and the consent condom could be good for you. a fwy yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'r yw'rmru'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddau'r ddau' a gentleman will be expected to frunkle his drongle rod into a lady's
googruch so that his spermatids can sex-gociate the filopiated
trubes and eventually imperflate the overreg whilst crushing and
increasingly crimson shade of beetroot before jumping into a cupboard, slamming the door shut and shouting,
but where the way of the boob? No good couldn't possibly come of it!
Now get out there and play some rugby until this filth is out of your system.
And the only other thing we did for sexhead at my school was every year on the 21st of June, the night of the summer solstice.
We would build a 100-foot wicker statue of Margaret Thatcher.
And in it, we would sacrifice the school's horniest boy.
There we go.
I mean, that is still better than my birds and the bees talk that I got from my dad.
Which was what?
He sat me down and he said, Alice, I trust your judgment, you'll know right from wrong.
What do you do with that?
Not bang anyone for 20 years, that's what you do.
Right, moving on now, too.
Equedorian Embassy mayhem news now and Alice, your are Ecuador correspondent.
Yes, a reluctant, multi-burned slash Julian Assange has been dragged out of the Ecuadorian Embassy
giving birth to a million memes. Let's get some, here we have this is Julian
before and after. I don't know if you can spot the difference there. That's
sat him there, Julian Assange, after his arrest yesterday, demonstrating the grip for left arm outswinger.
I mean I guess when you spend seven years locked in a house,
you're going to work on that kind of thing, aren't you?
It certainly raises questions about what is inside the Ecuadorian embassy,
because it looks like he's been living in a cave.
Well, it's interesting. We'll get a touch on this in a sec. I'll just quickly do because he's
going to repeat that sign there. Now, does anyone know anyone else who's made a similar
sign to that? Anyone? Let's have a look. Jesus. So the question is, look at that, is Julian Assange actually a Messiah?
And the answer is no.
Well, that is typical modern skepticism that is why so many genuine Messiahs have fallen
by the wayside for my people over the years.
Let's look at the evidence. Initials, J.A. Julian Assange, also actually Jesus' birth
initials, because his dad's real surname was Adonai,
which is the Hebrew word for God.
I remember that much.
And I say remember, I mean, had to check on the internet.
Christ was his mother's maiden name of course.
Took it as a rebellious teenager because he fell out with his absentee dad.
Well my favorite part of this Ecuadorian embassy eviction news is that people are
wondering whether it was a legal challenge or just the fact that Julia Sange was a brat. They did almost $14 million a year protecting him and they embassy staff
complain to him.
Skateboarding at night, playing loud music and walking around in his underwear.
Skateboarding, I mean, is, I mean, that is not what you expected to hear in that list.
Obviously, the other thing, meddling in Ecuador's relations with other countries, good to have a hobby.
Someone's got to do it.
Ecuador isn't even meddling in its own relations
as far as I can make out.
They listed nine reasons why they'd withdrawn asylum Ecuador.
But they did not include the release of files
from their Democrats.
So they got nine problems, but the snitch ain't one.
Oh.
Oh.
Ah. Too soon.
So meddling, rude behaviour, I mean he is Australian, so what can you expect?
Playing football in the embassy, that's a basic human right.
But skateboarding, this is what the Ecuadorian, this is the official statement from the Ecuadorian
embassy, Mr. Assange caused considerable discomfort among the staff of the embassy with his
ceaseless practising of his backside heel flip. He indeed knocked over a pot of coffee when
his nose blunt side into pivot fakie combination went wrong, not for the first time we might
add, and if we have one more asylum seeker staying in our Embassy who wipes out our daffodils
trying a ginger snap, a 360 dragon flip or even a pop shove it, then frankly we'll just
give up. There is a time in a place for unnecessary altitude,
and that is any time in Ecuador, not at T-time in our Embassy in London.
Pop shove it incidentally, as I'm sure you know, a Jewish festival.
Oh.
commemorating when Moses turned the Red Sea into a half pipe.
I mean...
seen to a half pipe. I mean. That was a fun train journey down from London today. And it's all well and good making up skateboarding quotes, but here is an actual direct quote
from the statement of President Lenin Moreno who said, from now on, we'll be more careful in giving asylum to people who are really worth it and not miserable hackers.
I just like the idea of Julian Assange being told to smile more.
But, good further evidence that he is in fact a Messiah, Julian Assange,
I'll say the initials, J.A. Also, both men at a beard, clearly.
Both prone to disappearing for a long time
and then showing up again.
Both white men, famously Jesus, I mean, look at it.
Look at it, I'm an astral,
I think it was from Crawley originally.
Neither fans of Skrillex, both victims of questionable legal process, although almost certainly guilty.
It's building up and both, of course, absolute long-term havoc in American politics.
So it's absolutely uncanny.
So he is facing extradition to the USA in up to five years in jail.
And I guess the question for us here in Britain is, should we be extradition to the USA in up to five years in jail. And I guess the question for us here in Britain is,
should we be extraditing anyone
to a lawless basket case of a country
where they cannot be assured a fair trial?
Okay, not technically a joke, more a factual question.
Um.
The world is a world of war!
In Angry Bird News, now a Queensland town
is being haunted by an aggressive brawler, which
if you don't know, is it's a elegant waterfowl with the delicate poise of a ballet dancer
and the beak of an aggressively animated ice pick.
So this brawler is called Barry because everything in Queensland is called Barry by law, and it turned up in a small town around three months ago after fires in the region presumably
moved him from his original birdie home.
Every day he runs up and down the main street where he visits the local library, butcher
general store, and caravan park.
And he was initially welcomed by the Grateful Town town's folk like a feathery cowboy in an old western movie, but he
started to wear out their tolerance with his aggressive behavior and
constant challenging of people to jewels at noon.
Award-a-bird experts as the abundance of food in the town could be making him
aggressive. An urban ecology expert, Darrell Jones says the Brawlger's
behavior was unusual but not surprising.
He's just quote, wondering around as a newly free teenage
Brawlger with his black t-shirt listening to heavy
metal music and hanging out in the mall.
He says the best thing to do is ignore the bird.
And hopefully he'll move on again, like a teenager.
How many of the, it's, it is our brawl goes a big, a big problem just wandering around the streets of Australia? Well, they're about this tall, so yes, they are by definition a big problem and they will just grab you. They'll just have a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, aada bada. Right. It's like a giant chicken with a snake for a neck and dinosaur legs that'll kick your guts out.
But more delicate than the cassowary, which is like a giant chicken with a snake for neck,
with giant dinosaur legs that'll kick your guts out, and also different from the imu,
which is like a giant turkey with a snake from it. Um, and I mean, how, I mean, how different exactly is the brawler from, for example, the
Flamingo, which, um, it's clearly a bird you have deep personal psychological issues with?
Well, yeah, I mean, the Flamingo is a f***ing pretentious pink asshole.
Like, it's just, it's got the hooky nose of a French connoisseur and the weird, did you know
it like vomits up a cottage cheese into its children's mouth?
Like, that's a good thing.
Like, why would you do that? A brawler is an elegant, grey, live and beautiful creature that just occasionally harasses
people in Queensland, all of which I am for.
Actually, I've just got some breaking news coming through.
That brawler has just become Prime Minister of Australia.
Every human being has had a go at it.
Now Alice Ophelia has been locked by one of its rugby stars.
Yes Australian rugby player Israel Falao could be sacked by Australia rugby team for his
God hates gaze attitude.
This is the thing, but he's done this before.
He's coming out against vaccination.
He's coming out against gay people.
And then it always happens at this time of year.
And like as a young person,
I would occasionally go to Jewish events
at my grandmother's house
and there was a saying next year in Israel
and I'm sure you're familiar with it.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, very observant too.
I feel like it started to become a fun tradition in this part of the world that every year
Israel Falaos says something that displays an almost entire incomprehension of logic science
and the political temperature of the public moment.
Robby Australia's release of statement on Thursday saying it plans to terminate Falaos contract.
He put something up on his Instagram saying,
hell awaits for gay people unless they repent of their sins. And it's just like, I think
it's a nice reflection on how much he's been training that he's missed the last 50 or
60 years of political progress. That is literally the best thing I can put on it.
He put out this by saying warning,
Drunk's homosexuals, adulterers, liars,
fornicators, thieves, atheists, idolaters,
hell awaits you, repent only Jesus saves.
And it's the third time he's had to go
at the LGBTQI community.
And also, I mean, it doesn't always,
but he has previously had to go at the DLF-ATAI community
as well for all the Drunk's adulterers, like, for what I can't say, he's eight this and
idolaters. And he quoted St. Paul's letter to the Galatians. Now St. Paul,
an incorrigible letter writer, who whipped off at pistols to all kinds of people,
the Corinthians, the Ephesians, the Galatians,
his Auntie Pam, who's always a bit lonely,
but always wrote back, the Damascus Highways Office,
complaining about the state of the roads.
He wrote to Roman history writing,
so led plenty of the elder asking for an autograph,
and he wrote to various serial manufacturers
trying to win competitions by finishing sentences like,
I love Judean cocoa corn pops corn pops because dot dot dot but I think it's fair to say
that based on some of his writings in his letters St Paul would not have
completely approved of everything about Brighton and in fact Rugby Australia
has said that St Paul himself the 2013 year old conversion victim, and one of Jesus' most
influential hype men in the early days of the church, will no longer be considered for
selection for the Wallabies National Rugby team. So at least they are being consistent.
And I mean, there was another thing from the Bible. Leviticus, 1928, do not cut your
bodies or put tattoo marks on yourselves for I am the Lord.
And Piz the Israel didn't quite get to that page of the Bible as well.
And also, no point, given that his career in two codes of rugby,
no point. I don't know, I'm calling a bit from the Bible where Jesus said,
oh, well, this is from the Gospel according to an Alvin, which you may not have read.
And Jesus did say, thou shalt gavveth thyself together with fourteen of thine brethren, and play a sport of unfathomable rules
and brain-damaging violence, albeit one which is often majestic and possesses an undeniable
visceral excitement when played well, for my father the Lord himself does love nothing
more of a weekend than to sit down in front of the telly with a couple of beers and watch
the rugga.
So, right.
It's the logic of so many of those biblies statements, isn't it?
Don't do this for I am the Lord, that's not how maths works.
Nigel Farage, this is a bit of a vault fast for Farage, he has just said that he will be willing to consider staying in the European Union if and only
if the other 27 member nations all leave.
That kind of compromise, we need.
Quick Mark François update.
I heard a few listened to last week's Bugle Mark Frotswaw, ac yw'n ysgwch yna, yna, yna'n ysgwch yna,
yna'n ysgwch yna, yna'n ysgwch yna, yna'n ysgwch yna,
yna'n ysgwch yna, yna'n ysgwch yna, yna'n ysgwch yna,
yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna,
yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna,
yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, yna, this, we will be a Trojan horse within the EU. Now, the absolute key with being a Trojan
horse is a lack of advanced publicity. That was fundamental to the success of the initial
program. And another thing that was absolutely crucial to the Trojan Horse working was the people inside it being f***ing quiet.
Which is not something that comes easy to Mark Francois.
It's interesting you pronounce it Mark Francois, I pronounce it.
Oh!
And there we have it. That is your lot. Thanks as ever to Chris for piecing all that together
for us, even though he wasn't actually at the show. And of course to Alice, if you are
in the Melbourne area, or indeed the Southern Hemisphere in general, it can't be that big.
Do go to see her wonderful show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, and various
other places thereafter. We'll be having a week off the bugle next week. By the time we
come back, I'm sure everything everywhere will be absolutely fine. And the bugle will
finally, as was always intended, transform into a podcast about the differences between
knitting and welding. We will put out a sub bugle for you next week. And please be aware that
you can now hear the bugle in the entail app. That's ENT-AL-E and APP. If you want me to
spell app for you as well, some people are a bit completist about these things, and on the entire app you can also see pictures and links
to what we're talking about. That's all part of the brand new Bugle Independent Future,
which is now the present. And now, as has become the tradition on the
Bugle, as part of that future present, we will play you out with some lies about our
premium Voluntos subscribers. To join the voluntary subscription scheme or to contribute
whatever you can, whether as they're occurring or-off donation to keep the bugle free and fibbing
for the rest of eternity, go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Chris, let the lies commence.
Mark Adams is the grandchild of Dremitt McRoyle, the inventor of the retractable canoe.
Dan McCudd bench press a crocodile, but he chooses not to, for animal rights reasons,
as well as his own health and safety.
Jonathan Kayley Isley, or Kayley Iley, I don't know how you pronounce that, has war
game day a hypothetical scenario in which caterpillars start turning into poisonous snakes,
like they used to before a cure was found, and he thinks he can save the world from disaster.
Matthew Gwynne is after researching ancient maps, texts and inscriptions on the verge of
rediscovering the lost city of Birmingham.
Gregor Hoffman would prefer it if all basketball players had stills of varying lengths, so
they all played at the same height because it would be a fairer and therefore better sport.
Lucy Paroni starred alongside Kiefer Sutherland in the pilot of the TV series 24 entitled
Frollicking Donkeys on a Summer's Day in Portugal. The series was significantly rewritten before
broadcast. Bart XC Pracky thinks you might as well drink some milk, eat some strawberries
and then go trampolining rather than buy a milkshake.
Bat Wrench is three quarters of the way through an unofficial doctoral thesis exploring
what would have happened if the ancient Greeks had invented tennis instead of democracy.
Whilst anonymous donor initials MR actually found a copy of the first half of that thesis
and has optioned it with four different Hollywood studios, with a proposed cast of John McEnroe
as Pericles and Hannah Mandler-Cover as the goddess Demeter.
David Doddwell Bennett reckons he can prove that little red ridinghood was the daughter
of Robinhood from an illicit liaison with a nun called Brenda.
Tim Prollins thinks levitation could solve the global housing crisis if only people could
be persuaded to float around at different heights so they don't bump into each other too much. And another anonymous donor, initials EW,
averted a diplomatic incident after a friend claimed to have seen the face of Jesus burnt
into a slice of toast being eaten by a rabbi, but she managed to convince a UN panel that
it was in fact the face of Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees. Crisis averted.
Renan Santos goes against the grain by believing that you should in fact try to run before
you can walk, as this will inevitably make you quicker on average over the course of your
life.
And finally, Mike Pence, I assume it's not that, Mike Pence, cannot quite decide whether
it will be cruel or inspirational to take a penguin on a tandem flight in a hang glider,
but he veers
towards inspirational. Thank you all for your generous contributions to the Bugle Voluntary
subscription scheme. Until next week, goodbye.
you