The Bugle - Boat Got Back (4188)

Episode Date: March 29, 2021

Andy is with Nish and Alice for a live recording of the show with a focus on the amazing Suez boat story. You can still buy and stream the full live show (terrible intro and all) at http://ctzn.tk/BugleWe have a NEW SHOW. Subscribe to The Gargle and get topical jokes about everything except politicsBuy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A Ancient War, its origins lost in the mists of time.

Satire against news, news against the limits of the human capacity to sum up the news without getting depressed. No quarter, all half a glass of water, no politics, all satire, just page after page of pithy, witty, slick, razor-sharp, often dig jokes and revenge. We're a small squad of elite warriors tasked with hunting down the least political news and turning it into this, the latex-clad glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper to a visual world. The Gargle. Out every week featuring all your favourite Bugle guests and non-bugle guests. Subscribe now wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, Bugglers and welcome to issue 4188 of the Bugal Audio Newspaper for a Visual

World, which this week consists of 20 or so prime minutes. From the 80 Minutics Travaganza that was the latest Bugal livestream live show, recorded last Saturday 27 March followed by some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers. If you want to see and or hear the full show, you can still buy retrospective tickets via the internet and I assume specifically via the Bugle Podcast.com where you can also buy Bugle merchandise and join the voluntary subscription scheme or make any level of recurring or one off contribution to the show.

Let's pick up with that live show now featuring Andy Zoltzman, also known as me when I'm talking anyway, as well as Alice Fraser and Nish Kumar. I'm here in Bugle Studios. As you can see, a quick check to find out whether or not I am performing in zero gravity. I'm not. Take that Neil Armstrong. You mean nothing to me.

I'm in one gravity. One gravity Bugle is just as God intended, a lot of it, of gravity, the old G dog, probably a rebellion against living in space and on clouds all the time. I am here in London, where there is darkness, darkness, as far as the eye can see, but that's because I'm in my shed which has black curtains. If I look this way, there is just darkness as far as I can see which is about four feet away. Joining me from the self-same time zone that was given by Almighty God so the Britain may have daytime in the day and nighttime in the night, unlike some countries I I could mention it's the man who to this day is yet to discover even one new chemical elements

despite being made a pure nishkumarium it's nishkumar hello Andy hello buglers god i hope we're broadcasting and that's how i start every day i wake up in the morning i think good morning world god i hope i'm broadcasting today. I live to cast. That's a shortening of the word broadcast. Lovely to see you, Andrew, how are you? I'm all right, thanks. Yeah, it's, what, it appears to be going.

It is working according to William on Twitter. And that is, is it Prince William? Because surely he's got bigger freaking frisk to fry. That's actually the title of his new podcast. It's not smocky alongside his brother. Actually, his new podcast is called How Could It Have Been Me That Said It?

And we'll go no further with that joke for legal reasons. Allegedly, allegedly, Nishkooma. I'm also joining us from an island far, far away from here, off the coast of another island far, far away from me. If you can Australia as an island rather than the continent or a concept or an experiment or a hoax. Anyway, from a little island, not off the coast of Australia. It's Alice Fraser.

Hello, Alice, are you there? No, I'm here. I've caught up. You were a little glitchy. It took a little while to get all the way down here to Australia. But I am here. I'm happy to be here. And I'm recording my end of this conversation.

It may be having a different speed. You're end of the conversation. But I figure if you listen back later, it'll make sense. For Australians as well, it seems like we're conversing at different speeds. So how is that, you are on an, is this, you know, an experiment to just gradually move away from Australia to see, you know, if there's other islands in the world, you might like to try? I'm a small island off the coast of Queensland and I'm hoping to island hop to increasingly small islands until I'm just on island the size of a room at which point I will detach

myself from society completely and just let it all learn some craft. Queensland is also actually how some sections of the British press are suggesting that the United Kingdom should be re-crispent post-Brexit, so it's not sure that we are. I'm not sure enough things are named off the Queen in this country. In fact, I was discussing this with my two children, Elizabeth and Elizabeth, just the other day. We are recording on the 27th of March, what recording, broadcasting, parts of this will go out on the bugle. As issue 4188 yesterday, the 26th of March was world good hair day.

Today on the other hand is not. So the show goes ahead. But here's a slight potential issue for this show. Earth Hour starts at 8.30 pm UK time. That's in approximately 23 minutes where we all have to turn off all of our lights in support of nature. This could cause a few issues, but I am fully get it up. I have the candle. I have matches. This show is going to go on. Thank you to all 7 billion plus people who have decided to prioritize Earth Hour over joining the Bugle livestream live show. Those are of you from huge thanks from me and my hypothetical future descendants for putting a planet first ahead of this show,

not using the electricity, the internet, you're not cooking your mid-Bugle steaks like the rest of you know, rocket launches mid-sharn. For those of you who have tuned in, I can only assume you don't give a shit about the future of the planet. No, Josh, I mean, I think it's had it, you know, but personally, I'm on your side, I think the planet's had its chance and blown it too.

So welcome to the show. Enjoy strangling your white rhinoceros pubs or whatever else you're also doing to destroy the world. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight. In the bin, correct, everyone who shouted that, at home this week we have a job section. A lot of exciting jobs going around at the moment.

The Royal Diversities are, Nick, are you going, did you read about this? I'm in prime position for that job, Andy. And like most of the jobs that I get, I'm in prime position to be immediately fired from that job. I see the Royal Diversity job as the latest in a long string of things in which I'm forced to leave in disgrace.

But my first job will be getting some undiversifying the source of a lot of the jewelry that's lying around in the Queen's house. Because what they lack in diversity of actual skin colour of family members that they're currently speaking to, they make up for in diversity of places they've nicked jewels from to put in their goddamn hats. I've been sacked yet. Is it over? Give us a...

Jewelry back. Q-dog. The Royal Diversity... I said genuine job, the Royal Diversity, so... Now, for a start, if you're in a royal family and you're appointing someone to a new job, don't call it a Zah. That is... LAUGHTER That is asking for trouble, frankly. But if you're in a royal family and you're appointing someone to a new job, don't call it a Zah.

That is... That is asking for trouble, frankly. It could be that this is a way to finally find a purpose for Prince Andrew to go, of course, with this sideline and further in the cause of Republicanism. Of course, a role that must be said, he plays with almost every role in determination. Rumors just reaching us here at the Bele New Centre that as part of his role as the new diversity tar prince Andrew could be married off to Narendra Modi and the former minister of India which could certainly diversify the role of family in a number of ways.

Also in the job section the minister for the management of public disgruntlement as a new cabinet post launched less than one week ago and it's open again because the man first appointed to it, the rising Tory hot shot, Ellsworth, Nodg Ribbon was tasked with the responsibility of trying to enable the government to disappoint all of the people, some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but not all of the people all of the time. He resigned just yesterday after three days in the job, citing the impossibility of success under the current leadership. So that is now open once again. Also in the bin, this week, a stoical media section, now social media has been a huge hit around the world over the last 20 years or so, but just add one letter and slightly jumble them up. Stoical media could be just as

big and it started to challenge social media for the affections of the global oversharing community. Stoical media sites such as Flagmatik Tok, share 10 session video clips of people retaining control of their emotional response to events, whilst the new television genre of Marcus or reality TV gives celebrities the chance to under-act a provocation and the in-escapable cruelty of existence. Also, we review the new Instagram phone,

which turns your Instagram posts into 12 inch vinyl LPs. The great thing about the great thing about Stokele Media is that you can just schedule all of your posts and all of your posts say and fine. That's fine. Is that not progress, Alice? I think that is progress. That section in the bin. is progress. That's section in the bin. Top story this week, global trade comes to a grinding halt because a ship draws a penis in a canal. Actually, what it was not actually in a canal, it was towards the entrance of the canal, which is possibly even worse, but I mean this is an issue are massive ships getting stuck in canals, correspondant, Alice, you are of course the bugles,

things drawing the shapes of penis is correspondent. I mean, this is very much why you both have been invited onto the show this week. Why would we want a story? This is the ever given ship was blocked. The Sue is Canal. It's a 400 meter long ship has got jammed in a canal and now the whole of global traders stopped. That's essentially what seems to have happened.

Yes, this is the biggest shipping disaster since the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film, which is actually the biggest shipping disaster since the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean film, which is the biggest shipping disaster since the third, you get the point, right? The first one was fine, we didn't need another sequel, frankly. So, I mean, listen, one of the largest container ships in the world has run a ground in the Suez Canal, causing a jam of vessels.

The ship itself is called the Evergiven, which is owned by the company Evergreen, which all of which is really nicely optimistic terms for a company that has really shatter bed this week. It's 220,000 tons, it's 400 meters long and it's stuck because it's some bad weather that happened as the captain was trying to get the ship into the canal. Now, just to be clear, before we go any further, the crew are all safe and accounted for, and there's been no reports of injuries or pollution.

What does that mean? It means we're all free to find this very fucking funny. It's always a concern with new stories these days. You're always like, oh, a ship's run aground. Is anyone been harmed? Has there been any mass pollution? Did the boat do a string of racist tweets in the late 2000s? No, the boat's clean, the boat's Instagram just says hashtag BLM so we're

fine on that front, no one got injured, there's no pollution, so let's make this very clear, it's been a difficult couple of years for humanity, but this is very funny because a f***ing massive ship has blocked up a massive f***ing canal. It's astonishingly brilliant information and we should all enjoy it. Though I would say when a British hurt person hears the phrase, problems in the Suez Canal, we just genetically assume we're about to get rid of a Prime Minister. And I want to remind everyone that this is a very, very different climate that we are in from the last Suez Snafu. It's 2021, and let's face it, if Boris Johnson had driven that boat himself into the canal,

there's a chance his approval ratings would have gone up on the basis that people would deem his behaviour to be good bans. Now for international people, good bans is an English phrase, meaning the guy is a ****, but he's posh, so it's fine. I think that's, that is one of the very few remaining clauses of the Magna Carta, though. Well, unfortunately there's a cloud of doubt that's hanging over this whole scenario, the idea that this ship has accidentally been turned sideways in the canal because of the ship's previous actions of drawing a massive penis in the ocean. It sort of casts into doubt, it's

competence going forward. And I don't think actually that this was done on purpose, I think, as with many people who draw large penises in public places, it has proven not to be skilled at actually navigating the canal when it is at home. Finally, show Alice. But I'm enjoying the fact that they're all sticking together, they haven't pointed anything is at any individual who's responsible, they're blaming the weather, because you know this is one of those f*** ups that is such a big f*** up that the person who f***ed up isn't even going to get fired. You know how they're like normal crime

for you to go to jail? And then this one's costing $7 billion a day. So like the GFC, everyone just stands around astonished at how big the crime is and nobody does anything. I mean, it is a truly wonderful story that the ship, as you said in issue zone, by Evergreen, a shipping company that has a green low, with the word green in it, so let's assume

it's basically saving environment, with every breath of the wind in the sales of its ships and the breeding and danger loss of lots inside its green-painted containers, the Evergreen, the Evergiven ship, 399 meters and 94 centimetres long. S***, a f***ing pencil on the end of it for f***ing sake. What is wrong with you? The ship Evergiven is actually short for no f**ks are ever given.

No. It can take 20,000 containers, which is one container for every lie Donald Trump told in the first three years of his presidency, if only they could have been contained. A 79,500 horsepower packed into that ship. Now, I don't know if that's horses on land or horses in the sea Which presumably make all the big difference to the horse power. That's why boats exist in the first place because horses

Done working to see a general certainly not very long and the 7920,000 containers is also sufficient for all the bugle merchandise that you can now buy from the bugle podcast on So it is so the key part of this story, obviously, Alice, is what happened before the incident with this, the roots that the ship took, which eagle-eyed people in their millions around the world spotted, bears more than a passing resemblance to the male prongulum and conagulas. And look, I mean, this is not the, this is a great nautical tradition of such events. In fact, one of the most famous sea battles of all time,

the ancient Greeks flummoxed the Persians in 480 BC in a key naval battle near Athens by sailing their ships in a series of unmistakably phallic shapes, distracting the notoriously childish Persian, so I was trying to then add the shapes of nagels to the Greek prongs, left themselves vulnerable to a pincere movement, anyway the tojia-like shapes described by the Athenian and Spartan ships gave the battle its name, the Battle of Salamis, often mispronounced of course as Salamis, coincidentally the name of the Dubai Island, but in summary that degree was four years well spent. But it's, it's, it's, it's, it's extraordinary. The ship

though is only, can we blame the ship? It's only two and a half years old, so it's quite an inexperienced ship. You can understand the ship making mistakes, like, you've got to get my chance at this level. Otherwise, you've never got to know whether these ships have what it takes. It's holding up $9.5 billion of goods a day. Now to put it in context, that is equivalent to 68.5 million smart robot dog toys or 150 million legs of decent quality ham available

from Motoy service stations in the Basque Country, which are an absolute bargain. And there are now 300 ships stuck either side of it, some of which have had to re-root around Africa. That is one hell of a diversion. That is nearly as bad as the one I got stuck in on the M4 ones that took me around half a summer set of the dead of night for no discernible reason. But I can say, there's not too many options of it. Other than the Suez Canal, there's no cheeky little cutthroos that you can hope your Google maps.

No, I mean, I imagine that has led to the mother of all re-routing situations on various people's satnavs. And you never want to be in a situation where your satnav is saying, turn left at Africa. Hmm. Ha ha ha. I just don't understand why they don't put wheels on the ships and push them up onto land. Well, that's, I mean, it's a good idea.

The fact that I don't understand that is why I'm not in shipping logistics. It's gone in at a terrible angle. When you look at the photographs, you just think, it's like somebody's part to car whilst wearing a blindfold as part of an elaborate dare. Just had a tweet from Hughes suggested that actually was 30,000 lies that Donald Trump told. I was actually just focusing on the first three years which he had about 20,000.

He really ramped it up in year four. So thank you for picking me up on that. There is still no vaccine for pedantry. That is next on the list of the world scientists. So there are alternatives for this, the ship. Now if they can't move the ship, it's going to cause, you know, possibly weeks of delays and more things having to chug around the cake. So the alternatives are just released now, a stunt ramp. If they can get containers shipped up to 300 miles an hour,

they should be able to connevil their way over the ever given and splash down on the other side one way at a time, though, but you don't have mid-air collision between 200,000 metallic ship hunks. And some archaeologists actually believe that the pyramids were, in fact, originally designed as a four-way stunt ramp for ships. Another alternative levitation, the freight magician, the amazing bull cargo, has offered to levitate all 20,000 containers off the ever-given, so the ship will

spontaneically reflote itself. An emergency spare canal has been suggested from the top of the Persian Gulf through Iraq and Syria to the Mediterranean. A few troubles with that. Nuke has been suggested and just ram it until it moves. Has anyone suggested telling the canal it's beautiful? So I think it loosens up a bit. Oh, maybe put on some mid mid 90s R&B DeAngelo's brown sugar just try and get things going I'll say this for I'll say this for this ship my god this ship has got back I mean it's a bad is that is a big old ass on that ship. You body-shaming a container ship.

Quite the opposite. Quite the opposite. I'm speaking in admiring terms. I'm a fan of a ship that's, you know, it's got dumps like a truck. So, only in conclusion. I mean, I think there are, there's lessons to be learned there, there's aren't there, because I think there are some good rules for life,

and I'll share this, these with you, are buglers. One, do not sleep in a suit of armor. The clanking is awful. Two, if you want people not to panic, never at any point, stay the words, there's no need to panic. Do not think too carefully about the existence of the phrase social media influencer, it will only upset you.

Another piece, good rule for life on issues of science, trust the wisdom of science, more than you trust Gary from the pub, and never unnecessarily go a shark unless you are both on land. But above all, do not ram a 400 meter long container ship into the side of a canal thus blocking a globally critical trade route. I hope we're all listening and learning. Chris you had some stats on the boat. Do we have time for that do you think? I thought Andy that you would struggle with a boat story so I tried to break it down into a language that you would understand for you. The size of the boat we're talking about here.

So the Suez boat is 400 meters long, 59 meters wide. The maximum length for a cricket bat is 96.52 centimeters. So that ship is 414 cricket bats long, 61 cricket bats wide. The ship at 20,000 tons, that's 20 million kilograms, three pounds is heavy for a cricket bat, but many of your favourite batsmen have gone big like that, that's 1.4 kilos. So the ship can therefore hold 14,285,714 cricket bats stretched out all those bats continuously would make 14.8 kilometers of bats Now you're I'm guessing around five foot 10 which is 1.778 meters So the ship holds 242,424

Zoltzmen right in a cube at lying down Zoltzmen right in a cube at lying down Zoltzmen or or 170,000 Zoltzmen gently lifting their bats but not enormously to celebrate a 50 lay down 170,000 of you. Are you sure? I think more than that, isn't it because if you've got 20,000 containers on our rack and you can fit more than More than I reckon you can fit more than more than ten of me in a container. If you want to dispute my maths, I'm happy to share my working out at a later point. Can it interrupt this mathematics? I'm just saying my bed is right there. I could just say. There you go, thanks to everyone who joined us live last Saturday and don't forget,

you can still buy a retrospective ticket to see the rest of the show. We're back at the weekend with a full regular bugle featuring Tom Ballard and David Odochety, until then here are some lies about our bugle premium level voluntary subscribers. Tina Paparki wonders if Irwin Schrodinger's famous cat theory that a cat could be simultaneously alive and dead inside a box sprang from a simple misunderstanding. It's quite possible speculates Tina that Schrodinger's cat was simply a sleep inside a box, which is sort of the same as being simultaneously alive and dead when you think about it. If the cat was a deep sleeper, well you can understand Schrodinger getting a little bit confused if his, is my cat alive or deadgong, didn't get completely accurate results.

Someone known as the 6th Muammal Gaddafi is disappointed that athletics stopped at the triple jump. The 6th Muammar Gaddafi explains, I can't help feeling that crowds would love to see an octupal jump, featuring a hop, a step, a star jump, a scissors jump, an aerial pirouette, a double footed pogo, a froggy-style froggy jump, and finally a belly splash into the sand pit. I would certainly watch. The 6th Gaddafi adds, my unofficial personal best is 12m-74cm but I wasn't really trying, and I ended up crashing through a greenhouse in the garden centre. Richard nephew is the proud owner of the world's largest collection of envelopes stamped

Return to Sender address unknown. Richard tells the story, I thought it would be an achievable world record, so I started sending post to made up addresses, like 424 Spandle and Guava Terrace, Jabbertown Pinkshire, and 13 be Mayhem Crescent South Snutterbridge Dakota. Inevitably they would be returned, I always wrote a letter in the envelope, though, to make them worth opening when they returned to me, usually with a memo to myself to do something boring. Tim Parsons wonders whether renowned music composer Johann Sebastian Bach and champion skier Lindsay Vaugh von would have

gone on with each other if they'd ever met instead of being separated by centuries. I'm not really sure concludes him, Lindsay's obsession with flying downhills at high speed, and Joey Seb's unremitting schedule of rocking out on various musical instruments aren't really compatible activities for me. There's a reason you don't see pianists playing whilst flying downhill at 70 plus miles an hour, also there might be a language barrier. Graham Kirk Patrick would like to see world leaders instead of making speeches forced to communicate with the world wordlessly using ballet. I think it would be a more universal form of communication, says Graham, that ends the

risk of translators just completely making up what is being said at important meetings. It would also result in younger, fitter and more progressive world leaders. So ballet for leaders is my first request for the world, if you will, my plea a." And finally, long-term follower of the show, Henders' rule thinks that traditional parenting techniques should be applied to leading politicians. Parents know that small children, with whom world leaders have so much in common in terms of attention span, focus on the self and inability to think long-term, can be easily coerced into, say, eating something they don't like by the promise that it will lead to being given something they do like, as per Einstein's famous broccoli

then ice cream theory. So I say that world leaders should be forced to do something actually useful before they're allowed to tell an obvious lie or shut down a much needed facility in order to look tough to the right wing media. I think we would all benefit. Here end it, this week's lies, goodbye.