The Bugle - Bonus Britain Bugle!

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

A special edition of the show, recorded live at the Leicester Square Theatre, profiling Britain today. Ouch, it's not good.PLUS: Become the owner of an exclusive episode of The Bugle, on 12 inch vinyl! Become a premium member NOW! https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateThis episode was presented and written by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserChris AddisonAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugleers! I am Andy Zoltzman, welcome to Bugle Issue 4,275 Sub episode A for a Bought Mission to do a full Bugle episode this week. Why is there no full episode this week? Well, I blame time. There isn't enough of it these days and it never stops. The remorseless little shitbag that it is. Normally I do reach a vague rapprochement with time whereby it lets me record a bugle, with the trade-off that I don't then also have time to invent more dance moves. But this week, no luck, the little clock-waggling life-indaphyra simply ran out. However, we do have a very special treat for you from our recent live show in London. We dedicated a whole section to the extravaganza that is the United Kingdom in 2023,

and you can hear it in full in this sub-episode. Over the next 25 minutes, we will bring you the full smorgasbord of life and politics in Britain today, shoplifting, accusations of wokery, dishonest MPs and the biggest question of all. What's better, Britain or vampires? If you are a premium level voluntary subscriber to the bugle, you will get to hear the first of our subscriber only ask and the episodes in which I will field your questions with my version of answers. If you're not currently a voluntary subscriber and would like to become one and thus elevate yourself to a higher plane of human life, go to thebugelpodcast.com and click the donate button and thus you will help keep this nearly 16 year old podcast

free, flourishing and independent. As it enters the second 12th of its scheduled 192 year lifespan, you will also earn the right to farming questions for future arskandys, which will take place on a monthly basis. Okay, I will now pass over to me, Chris Addison and Alice Fraser from just a couple of weeks ago, live in London's renowned London district. Right, let's crack on. We have the best thing ever competition. Round one clash. You've got to get through 22 rounds to win from all 1.3 trillion things in the universe. And we started it last November. Already through to round two, the enchilada, the minibus, magnetic whiteboards and sliced bread,

although didn't have quite as comfortable around one victory as his reputation suggested it would. Push surprisingly hard by an episode of the 1980s cop drama, Cagney and Lacey. Who'd have thought that? But we have what a clash we have for you today here at The Be Will Live. We have the unicycle versus Britain versus vampires versus the M6 motorway. And we'll even let you the audience have a vote at the end. I mean, I think we can rule out the unicycle straight away. Sorry if I find any professional unicycle is in, but... Yeah, but it's obviously half as good as a cycle, so yeah, exactly

Well unicycling has been ruled out the next two Olympics is They fix is yes, I think you'll find it's Olympusies They were trying for straight unicycle racing and unicycle jousting as a combat sport. Sadly, I'd watch it. But the M6, we got the M6 fans in? Chris. Yeah. M6 till I die, man.

Yes. On the M6. Yeah. Unfortunately, since I tell you, I mean smart motorways. Yeah. Unfortunately, since I tell you in smart motorways, yeah, you grew up in Manchester. In the service station. And not for services. I've been not for services.

And I've got to say, we had our good times, our bad times. We really, sometimes when the boys from Sandbatch came up, we'd have a rumble. But it was all going well for us till T-bay came along and then took all the glory. But sadly, I think the M6 is out of contention. I don't know if you've ever been on the M6 as a... It's a Britain's longest motorway, Alice.

230 miles, as an Australian. Did you imagine a road 230 miles long? Yes, my driveway. Well, sadly, it was voted Britain's shittist motorway recently. I don't know if you saw this news. It came bottom of the motorway popularity league. Genuinely, they think. Fix.

No. But it's a famous motorway. So it's famous for hosting the Char Knock Richard Service Station. Only a couple of fans, I don't know if they thought there'd be more. Oh, Char Dick. Yeah, well, exactly. It's also been used by a range of celebrities, the M6, ranging from David Beckham and Rock Band Death Leopard

to former Monarch the Queen, who did Birmingham to Carl Arlen, Horson Cart in under two hours. Fucking sensational. She was absolutely magic. And the children's TV pioneer were all gummaged. The former scarecrow famously snapped by paparazzi in a stretch limousine with fellow TV character Superground on route to a secret lake district hotel asignation in the 1980s. But the M6 have sadly fallen on hard times, particularly because they turn something into smart motorways, which are very unpopular with motorway fans,

who've not responded positively to its combination of annoying, dangerous, unpredictable, and condescending. But because it turns out that people sitting stationary in a traffic jam going at 0 miles an hour, do not appreciate being told at the speed limit has been dropped from 70 miles an hour to 60 miles an hour because of f***ing traffic. But as Britain's bottom rank motorway, the M6 now faces a relegation playoff against the top ranked A road, the A303. And if it loses, there are fears that the M6 could tumble down the road leagues without the funding of being a motorway

And end up as a barely drivable one lane country road within five or six seasons It'll be like the M17 all over again the M17 you say I haven't heard of that well exactly It's now just buckets close and unloved cold us like on the outskirts of Snutterbridge, sad to see So I think the M6 is out of it, which leaves us with Britain versus vampires. Now, which is better? Let's take a quick straw poll before we show you the evidence, the current evidence. Who thinks Britain is better than vampires? And who thinks vampires are better than Britain? To put it in context, you're asking that question in a subterranean layer.

So, while it's not looking good for Britain, we could be knocked out in the first round. Wouldn't be the first time. I wouldn't know, but I think I got the 2014 World Cup all over again. Too soon. So, well, let's start with Britain, which is having a little bit of a troubled millennium so far, I would say. It's not started tremendously. I've been in the last one, didn't start that well for us either.

Within what, seven decades of stuff we've been taken over by the Normans and things have never really recovered, to be honest. And well, the state of Britain in the moment, we are facing another epidemic. According to the boss of John Lewis, so soon after the COVID epidemic, we are now facing a shoplifting epidemic. There is no vaccine as of yet and we're dinner with it to shut down or go the Swedish route this time who knows. Retail Fesser up by 26% last year and so soon after the museum lifting scandal as well it's very very I mean is this just our natural heritage? Absolutely.

Coming out you know our great national tradition of nicking shit. Listen, as Napoleon once said, Britain is a nation of shoplifters. I do feel that these modern shoplifters lack ambition, right? Okay, you've shown us that you can half-inch nappies and a pack of batteries, fine. But big deal, they're light. They're easy to carry. You can't just keep nicking the same things. You've got to move on.

You've got to keep challenging yourself where you really don't grow as a shoplifter. Maybe move on to like multi-packs of own brand lager, a bit more unwieldy, a bit more of a challenge once you've faced that, how about going into wicks and trying to nicker sink? Are we? Craicily walked to the back of an opticians

and lift one of those machines that puffs air into your eye for no other reason that I can see them for the amusement of everyone who works there. Internally just as in the site, have you ever had sex with an optician? They're very needy. It's so off-putting. Are you enjoying this? Is this good? How about now? And now? What about now? What if I turn this over? How about now? I saw my optometrist the other day, which made him a bit redundant. Just as the whole to you on this encouraging shoplifters to update game role,

are you slow walking us into the British Empire. Worked last time. Shots have tried a number of anti-shoplifting measures, including offering free coffee to police officers and having a security guard and a pantomime cow out for it wandering up and down the meet aisle. I'm about to smore to make people feel guilty and just not them nicking stuff, but just one security guard in the carer Is it a bottom of the time? Well, I mean apparently is cutting into the profits here of primark famous fast fashion slow morals brand It's been hit with this rash not I mean it's to be expected that would have a rash, but not for it's workers this time

Or from the horrible chemicals with which they impregnate the cloth they use. But I feel like I would like to victim blame primarch here for devaluing labor so much that this feels like a victimless crime. Have any of you in here ever shoplifted anything? What? What did you go for? Chocolate, chocolate, a rest this man. The thing is, you've got to because we have, it's not just shoplifting. We need to set an example. We've got a great problem with big companies not paying enough tax, corruption in politics, but we have trickled down economics, but we have trickled down economics, but we

have trickled up morality. And as long as this guy is making chocolate bars from the corner shop or from Sainsbury's or whatever, as long as it's anyone here ride a bike. And have you ever gone through a red light? Lier. Until people like you are obeying traffic signals, how can we expect our politicians and not to go, you know, we have to set an example that they will follow. So, anyway, I mean, moving on. So, one of the big stories of the last last week or so. Before we move out, I think this bears saying, right, because you're being very down on shoplifting here, but I think it's just good to see new skills developing.

You know, it does seem like, finally, we're seeing signs of the new Britain emerging that we've been promised post Brexit. I do feel that shoplifting is all very well, but if we're going to have a proper British post EU crime wave, we need to be incentivising highwaymen. That's the next step. Just haven't seen that many around in the last couple of centuries. Fortunately, all the roads are going to shit, and if fuel inflation carries on the way it's going pretty soon, the cheapest way to get around will

be by horse-drawn carriage, so conditions will be pretty ripe for their return. That's going to have the knock-on beneficial effect of reviving the British Cape and three-cornered hat industries. Not to mention revivifying the dying craft of hanging bodies in giblets by the roadside. Sure schools are falling down, but do we need to rebuild them? Couldn't we just encourage children to form gangs of singing pick pockets run by men in really bad prosthetic noses?

It's the British way. LAUGHTER Another problem we're facing as a nation now is obviously, and this isn't from me, this is from none other than our Deputy Prime Minister. Yes, does anyone know who he is? Oliver Dowden. He is Deputy Prime Minister. Ys gyd ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ymdwch, ym in this country about the threat that China poses to this nation. This is, however, the same Oliver Dowden who claimed that the West as a whole was being weakened, as he said this last year, was being weakened not by, you know, its endemic corruption,

not by the short-termism of its attitude to the world, but by some people wanting to use different pronouns. So he doesn't always throw his darts of blame into the trouble 20 of truth. But he's very worried about the threat China poses, because they've infiltrated none other than the conservative party, and alleged spy within the Tory party. I don't know how in the Tory party,

they tell the difference between a potential spy and a useful billionaire You know it's very important to try and tell the difference between a penguin and a ballad when you're driving across Antarctica and it's no storm It's so they look so alike sometimes Are you terrified about the you know, I mean there could be Chinese Is anyone in here tonight a Chinese spy? Yeah, so we've got about the same number of shoplifters as Chinese spies in today. You worried about it? The guy who was arrested has protested his innocence, which to be fair, is what a spy would do. But so many of these things.

I thought someone who isn't a spy would do as well. So that makes it so. Potato potato, Andy. LAUGHTER So many of these sleeper agents spent so long undercover before they're activated that even they don't know their spies. It could be any of us here, well, not Andy, because he's very clearly a British agent tasked

with spying on the former empire, went to Oxford, head for remembering numbers and stats, a cover job that legitimately allows him to travel the Commonwealth, tick, tick, tick. LAUGHTER and stats, a cover job that legitimately allows him to travel the Commonwealth, tick tick tick. But anyone else could be a Chinese spy and not even know it. So in case you're worried it might be you, here's a quick quiz to help you determine whether you are in fact a Chinese spy. Okay, question one. You are served spring rolls in a restaurant. Do you, A, lick your

lips and eat them greedily? B, worry that you're going to fill up on this shit before the real deal arrives. Or C, immediately dismantle them and check inside for instructions. LAUGHTER You and your partner decide to build a fancy middle-class garden building. Is it A, an office, B, a gym? C, a nine-story pagoda with a big gong in it.

Where do you feel you are most likely to encounter a waving cat? A... A Pixar movie, B, one of the many animals do the funniest thing, Instagram accounts you follow, C, the massive collection of white porcelain ones all around your kitchen. Finally, what are your feelings about pandas? A, they're cute. B, you're ambivalent. C, if you see another one of those fluffy bastards eating the bamboo out of your garden again you're gonna run at it with a changdow sword. If the answers are mainly C, you may want to check in with MI5 on the way home. Interesting that the graphics went halfway through that bit. What does that tell you?

You didn't put money in the meter. I mean, that's a very aging joke, man. Do you think we should be, because I mean, you look at the state of Britain, should we be flattered that China can still be asked to send even a half-ast 25-year-old fucking spy to do some basic espionage, honest? I mean, it's always nice that someone's interested, isn't it?

Yeah. Yes, so. There are a lot of concerns about Chinese influence in our politics, with the danger that it could result in infrastructure projects being completed on time within budget. So, albeit with certain human rights issues in the labis. But, British scientists are hopeful that a new home testing kit will soon be available to help you tell if you're not a swive. I've got a prototype on it here. You just have to breathe into it. o'n new home testing kit o'n gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn gwaith ymwch yn There's another thing Britain has under threat from, and this isn't from Oliver Dowden, this is from Grant Chaps, the aforementioned Grant Chaps.

Let me introduce him properly. Grant Tholumieu, Shapieu Cudnezza, Slayer of Foes, Bullwalk against the forces of evil, Chlor Hammer of never-ending justice, defense secretary of the iron clad heart. I like that in these two pictures. On the left hand side he looks like he's about to do the thing that he's regretting on the right hand side. Well I don't know. You might want to see that the detail here, that's his name badge that says Michael Green isn't it? So that was his, one of his alter egos. Does that mean that he's a spy? yn ymwch i'n gwybod, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch i'n gwybod yn ymwch i'n gwybod yn ymwch i'n gwybod. Mae'n gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod by ethical investing. That pause and confuse laughter is the correct response. So basically, if you are, if you bank ethically or invest your money ethically rather than in British defense companies,

if you choose not to allow your money to fund the slaughter of children, you are risking British safety. I mean he says it's supposed to be a greater threat, worse than the Romans, the Normans and the Vikings. He's not said that, but he might as well have done. Ethical in that, I mean how great a threat is people applying morality to economics? I just love that it's a warning rather than the exact thing that people intended to do and deciding to invest ethically. Like, this is what voting with your wallet looks like. If people wanted to invest in weapons development or the British defence industry, they would.

The fact that a huge chunk of the British economy and foreign policy are based on creating and selling weapons, and then selling the solutions or counterweapons to those weapons is maybe the thing that people might have the moral objection to. It just seems genuinely inconceivable to these people that a moral objection might not be overridden by an economic argument. But to be fair, it is a lot of money that they're talking about. Just think about how many children's hospitals

we could build with the money we'd make selling weapons to people who want to bomb children's hospitals. And have you considered that those children are so foreign while our children are so local? I thought you worked as we're into local produce. And speaking of local produce, are you suggesting weapons should be built and developed overseas? Think of the carbon footprint. Are you suggesting that applying capitalist business growth incentives to a constant escalation of weapons technology even the absence of your nation being actively at war with anyone might itself cascading

to perverse incentives to cultivate or create foreign wars? Oh, that's absolutely what you're suggesting, I see. But have I mentioned money, though? And how delicious money is? I mean, a lot of it is just to do with branding, because I have these arm fairs at the Excel every year or every couple of years. I mean, they are the next one is to make it a bit more exciting for kids who might end up working for the arms trade. They're rebranding it as little Johnny Bang Bang's boom-bombastic death-thick jamboree, which should get them. So I think that's better, isn't it?

Chris, something that's sort of about, you know, it's just about projecting the right image, isn't it? Well, look, first of all, being lectured by grant-shaps on ethics is like being lectured by David Beckham on the evils of tattoos. Secondly, defense companies need funding. Are they not the richest bastards around? Are they not, make Jeff Bezos look like some bloca runs a corner shop? What investment could they possibly need? But if we're going to take it at face value, this is about the ESG ratings of defense companies. ESG is a measure of the sustainability of a company and its output, and the letters ESG stand for environmental, social and governance.

So to be fair, let's consider the defence industry in each of those terms. Environmentally, could not be more sound. It is one of the few industries actively tackling the issue of overpopulation. LAUGHTER Admittedly, it's doing that in quite a localized way, concentrating on a number of people still alive in say, the Don Bas or Syria, but you have to start somewhere. From a social point of view, the industry really brings people together, often in mass graves or to memorial services, but that's just quibbling.

And they are incredibly inclusive. They're as happy to provide the means of massacring people of colour as they are white people. Perhaps even more. Most of their work currently is being done in Africa. And there aren't many companies you can say that about that don't either involve China trying to extract raw minerals or the staff wondering who should be CEO now you have any prish gardens been fallen out of a plane and as for governance not unlike the current British cabinet I don't really know what that means so I'm going to

ignore it see we need to we need to crack on a minute we're're just quickly, I mean a Brexit story. I don't know if you're enjoying, have you been enjoying Brexit so far? So, it'll come good in the next, what, thousand years, I think? Yeah, like Hitler's right. Which also had a few teething problems in the first decade or so. But Brexit is a very cross at the moment because at the last night of the problems, the most British assurances people were waving EU flags.

And there's been... That has been... Yeah, outcry, according to the newspaper reports. I mean, this is, well, it's fucking hilarious, isn't it? I mean, is this... Have you found any good benefits from Brexit so far? I was strongly opposed to Brexit for numerous reasons, for you know social reasons economic reasons, or if I was you know better for Britain to stay part of the EU And I'm you know one of my children took her up the same opportunities to travel and and work in Europe

I never really took advantage of and But that said my British political comedian is gonna give me six decades of material So I did vote leave but but I mean what have you found what have been the good bits for you so far? Could you, Chris, when you're editing this together, could you just put the sound of tumbleweed? This way. That would be great.

When I read this story, and I thought, absolutely, everyone involved in it can f*** right off. Every single one of them needs to get a f***ing grip. There's actual shit going on that requires our attention and energy and battle of the smuggles is not it. Jesus, H. Christ, the H stands for Hebrew. They keep that quiet. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER I'm not unsympathetic to the remainder cause. Remain a through and through me. If you cut me open, I've complained that it's a bad time to cut me open as A&E waiting times have really gone up after Brexit. Seriously, guys, what did you think that would show? The crowd at the last night at the proms are a bit

remainery. It's like showing the crowd into Metallica concerts are likely to have later life hearing issues. LAUGHTER All it did was get Harvey Proctor and is about Oakshawn, all those other perma-furious lather merchants frost up again. Honestly, it felt like being a young parent again. We just got them to sleep. Why would you wake them up? What is their problem anyway? They won! Why are they so cross all the time?

They don't need geopolitical solutions to imagine problems. They need any two of A therapy, B a hug, and C a restraining order. LAUGHTER The big three. I mean, you say that the NHS waiting list, that's actually, there's been some good news on the waiting list. Well, they have gone through the psychological crucial 7.7 million barrier because at 7.6 million you can see yourself being treated within 30 years but 7.7 million just feels so distant. But two out of five people have said that

their health worsened whilst they were on an NHS waiting list and this is good news for me because it surely means that making people wait is flushing out the three out of five who are perfectly fine You know if your health is getting worse that simply proof you do genuinely need treating so we just need to rebrand it It's not a waiting list. It's just an illness confirmation list. That's the um and So much of it. It's all about sort of about you know how you use language I mean there's a lot of euphemisms We talked about inventory shrink with shoplifting and you And what some people call a weaponized instrument of fear

that can unleash mayhem on an uncontrollable whim, eyes burning, mouth-thropping, bursting with murderous intent, thirsting to slake its blood loss for the taste of raw flesh, other people call a doggy. LAUGHTER MUSIC Thank you for listening to this sub-episode. Do strap in for the first ask Andy coming your way very soon, which will feature questions submitted at the live show by the live audience.

We will be back with a regular episode next week featuring NATO Green and Alice Fraser. Until then, goodbye. And do join the voluntary subscription scheme. Seriously, it keeps the show alive and far as your questions for future, ask Andes. Goodbye! you