The Bugle - Bonus Bugle - 2019 Summer Holidays special

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

Andy is in the Costa Del Zaltz on a cricket fast. Everyone else is on their way to Edinburgh, except Chris, who is in his dungeon.So here's some classics from Andy and John and some recent bits we held back with Tom and Nato. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Buggles! I'm on holiday right now, so what you're about to hear is a special summer sub-buggle. I'll be at the Edinburgh Festival from the 13th to the 25th of August to do my solo show,

Satterist for Higher, at 4.30pm in Stan3, send your satirical request to the usual address, satiriseisatSatteristForHier.com, with the date of the show you're attending and the issue you won't satirised if you are indeed attending a show and wanting something satirises at satiristforhier.com with the date of the show you're attending and the issue you want satirised if you are indeed attending a show and wanting something satirised. There will be live bubbles on the 16th and 19th of August at the Newtown Theatre at respectively 9pm and 1.30pm and there will be political animal shows, the 13th to the 15th of August and the 18th to the 22nd, so not Fridays and Saturdays basically, they all take place at 11.30pm in stand one and the first of them on the 13th August will be a Bugle co-host special featuring Nish, Alice, Tiff and AnuVab.

Do come along to all of those shows, they will have a different fantastic bill every night. In the meantime, it is now Bugle off cuts and archive time. Take it away. In other projectiles news, birds and bats have been shitting on people's cars, particularly in Australia. Tom, an Australian man left his car parked in the Port Macri by a river and returned a couple of days later to find that the natural world has very much got its revenge on humanity. The local pelicans had turned his beloved vehicle into what can only be described as a defecatory, satirical installation sculpture. They had in layman's terms, shack the living shit out of the car, splattering the quadru wheel

you'll had to device with enough peliguano to make the average Boris Johnson sentence look relatively cogent. As the old saying goes, everything's the can when you're a pelecan. And as so often, it could have been worse because it could have been batshit. And batshit apparently is much more corrosive to the paint of a so a batshit paint job instead of a pelican plastering is much worse for your cure. Batshit, as I said, more acidic. You don't need to be a rocket coprologist to know that. Batshit crazy. It originally was a paint color, of course. But I think you do have to ask,

is it beyond the width of science to develop a Pelican shit resistant paint? Because we after all species A put a man on the moon 50 years ago, and B, likes to park our cars under Pelican's arses. So, come on signs. Quit dithering around trying to scare people about climate when it's quite clear that it's the will of God punishing us for our sins, now a fence tomb. And save the paintwork of our cars. Can we have one episode in which you don't imply that I'm going to help with my disgusting sexuality? Well, Jewish artholes? That's just not up to me, Tom. What episode in which you don't imply that I'm going to help my disgusting sexuality? Well, Jewish asshole. That's just not up to me, Tom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha whatever might be encompassed by the idea of your disgusting sexual element. Because it could be anything. Well, play your cards right, I'll show you later on there.

Yeah. NATO, you are all Game of Thrones correspondent now since you just mentioned it. And well, it's, you know mentioned it and well it's you know people have been coming off of everything why are you correspondent for anything being gay because that is being gay and being punished by the Lord God sorry carry on being anywhere ever gave a throw to people did it None of the games went to the end. Anyway, sorry. NATO fans have been up in arms about the final season of the show.

We've discussed it a bit on a few weeks ago. I mean, I did watch some of it and I can't remember anything apart from stuff being on fire and dragons and not really my thing, I prefer snooker. But democracy's got involved, NATO. Yeah, so the fans got 1.6 million signatures on a change.org petition to HBO demanding a rewrite of the final season because they were unhappy with it.

Now, if you didn't watch the entire run of the series, you might not know that these are the people who fell in love with the series in its early series, you might not know that the, these are the people who fell in love with the series in its early seasons and then did not like the end, and the most notable difference between the early seasons of Game of Thrones and the later seasons of Game of Thrones is that the later seasons involved less rape. So it's an odd choice for people to publicly declare that their main problem with the series was that they wanted it to bring back the raping. Uh, that's a, that's a strange, uh, position to stake out.

But people have, people have derided the fans that it's unreasonable for them to do this kind of petition to HBO, uh, but I actually think that, that apart from the content, just the principle of having a petition to rewrite a final season, it's somewhat righteous, like a mass demand, demanding that a powerful body rewrite the ending of a beloved text is basically how we got the Protestant Reformation. No, it's not. Why not, Game of Thrones? That's exactly what we've just got to accept. That NATO you and I know, as Jews, we know,

these big sprawling epic narratives of conflicts and the struggles between civilizations don't always end the way you want them to end, because the last installment of the Bible was f***ing crap. Was spinner ever. Yeah, actually, before she died, my grandfather's second wife asked him to dinner one night. Honey was the New Testament out yet when we were kids. So that's how little Jews care about the New Testament. Top story this week.

That's to America!. Death to America! Death to America! Death! And as we've touched on in the last few vehicles, America has got a bit of a problem with death at the moment. They haven't been particularly careful with their money and haven't really prepared at all for their retirement as an empire,

which as China will testify, is just around the corner. They've been very irresponsible with some particularly unnecessary luxury wars in recent time. The Iraq war was the equivalent of a middle-aged man buying a Porsche. It really smacks of a nation experiencing a mid-life crisis and tries to capture its youth once more. America's current debt ceiling is $14.3 trillion, which means that it has pretty much maxed out its own credit card. And the three options seem to be, do you, one, cut that credit card in two, two, do you apply for more credit, or do you three, cut it in two, then tape it

back together and hope the shop will still accept it. And it might be worth just briefly explaining how we've got to this point point because at first glance you can find yourself thinking this is fucking insane. However, I must say that after you've heard this explanation you are probably going to find yourself arriving at the same conclusion anyway. It is quite impressive for a country to be this dysfunctional. I believe after you've heard some of this explanation the main question is gonna be, how do these Americans put on their trousers in the morning? Hahaha! 14.3 trillion, John, that is a big desert. To me that is the 16 chapel of Dead Sea Lings. It is a truly mind-boggling achievement

that people in centuries to come will still look back on and think, wow, that's fucking incredible. How did they do that? That is the product of a truly special mind no normal person could have done that mankind was involved in a number like this surely not it seems touched by the hand of God himself the US government gets a lot of bills every month handy that's how it gets this high, including military salaries, interest on existing loans, Medicare, and a subscription to cigar aficionado that they keep forgetting to cancel. The current debt limit was hit back in May, but that deadline didn't turn out to be quite

as deadly as deadlines are supposed to be. This is because they managed to extend the drop-dead deadline date to August 2nd, which they insist is as deadly as deadlines get, and that no one's to August the second, which they insist is as deadly as deadlines get, and that no one's to test the deadliness of this particular drop dead deadline unless they want a large bowl of death on their hands. They manage to cleverly extend this date by employing various economic tricks, such as postponing payments into government pension schemes and using better than expected tax revenues.

And Timothy Geithner really is part economist, part children's party magician. He could make it look like a budget deficit that's completely disappeared before simply lifting up a plastic cup and revealing that it was actually there the whole time. But still no agreement, John, there seems to be an awful lot of baffling negotiation going on. It seems that the politicians of America have been horse trading like a French chef preparing to cater for a lavish wedding. But still no agreement. I'm quite a lot of petty political point scoring seems to be going on, John. I can't say that I've been following this particularly closely because I've been

trying to write some unbelievably idiotic jokes. But what's the latest score in the political point scoring? Well, it's currently Neil Nill and he, with both teams looking both angry and uninterested if that's even possible. We remember the key thing is here, this isn't the government wanting to borrow money to buy things in the future. This is the government wanting to borrow money to pay for things that they've already bought. It's like a teenager going on to their parents and saying, please can I borrow $20 for a new car that I've just bought? And the parent saying, wait, hold on, you've already bought the car.

And didn't it cost more than $20? And the teenager saying, you're quite right, it did. Can I have $35,000 please? The problem is that all government borrowing in America has to be approved under the Constitution by Congress. Now, because there's no real, it's strange these, there's no particular need to have a debt ceiling other than to force massive arguments

on a semi-regular basis. Most other countries don't have a debt ceiling. They just have an inbuilt sense of what they can and can't afford. Well, that's how the recent history suggests that they don't have that. Yeah, that's true. That is true.

I've got almost sensed the Greeks waking up at the in the afternoon over there. It's like, what? That's not true. Anyway, please keep it down. I'm nothing. Again. America. America. For America America to a half thousand

year in a row America is like a gambling addict that knows it has a problem walking into a casino saying I have all the money that I'm gonna spend here in my hand please don't anyone let me anymore no matter how hard I beg you later on then when they need more money later in the night trying to win back somewhere their losses, they end up having to either use their car key just collateral or start offering cut rate hand jobs in the car box to raise enough to keep going.

Yeah. The off-guard system, off-guard system. It's gonna come good. It can't land on black two times in a row. Ha, ha, ha. The overall borrowing cap was actually first introduced by Congress in 1917 to make it simpler for the government to finance its efforts in World War I. And that was a war worth throwing some money at Andy.

You got a lot of bang for your buck back then. There was no way Congress was going to feel short-changed. Yeah. Also, you saved a lot on all those pensions that you didn't have to pay out afterwards or off. That's the story. It was a win-win and massive loss. Bottom line. Bottom line it made sense. Trent Warfare made sound economic sense from a long-term financial picture. But how many governments would have the courage to say that these days? Yeah. You're right. Well I guess John is going back a long way, basically, to 1791 when George Washington slapped

one war of independence on his nation's credit card for the now bargain price of $75 million. And I guess you probably didn't think of that point. That's his inspirational fight today, paid to Morrow's scheme. Would still be quite so avidly pursued in the early 21st century. But I think a lot of it comes down to the problems of democratic government, John, because essentially the art of democratic government is to spend vast amounts of money on being seen to be doing stuff, financed either by spending money you don't have or cutting back spending on actually doing anything. And therefore, governments basically won't economise significantly because the less they spend, the less they can appear to be doing and therefore the less reason they have to exist. But I guess

we do need to keep things in perspective, John, because let's be honest, the black death was worth, you know, we might have tough times at the moment, but at least we can freeze without having to cancel all of the next week's appointments. As if this is true, Andy. Well, that's the first thing that's not been depressing that I've heard regarding commentary around this story. There were warnings about things like this happening. Let me quote from Abraham Lincoln, the professional ex-president and two-time acquaer of the year, who said this in 1864. He said, I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble

for the safety of my country. Corporations have been enthroned an era of corruption in high places will follow. And the money power of the country will endeavour to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety

for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of war. Oh my God. Can't say this kind of crept up on us, like the once in a millennium, once in a century credit tsunami that, that, was it grand as described as Thomas Jefferson. I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency first by inflation, then by deflation the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent they're forefathers conquered. There you go. The national budget must be balanced. The public debt

must be reduced. The arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. So this warning, you know how long ago that was said, John? How long? 55 BC by Cisteroth. No, no, no, no. Have you ignored that advice for over 2,000 years now, John? And there's no sign that we're going to start norring it.

The, as the deadline on Tuesday approaches, the tone of the discussion varies from apocalyptic visions of the world collapsing to almost creepy positivity. Because Harry Reid hinted of a potential compromise middle of the week when he said, magic things can happen here in Congress in a very short period of time under the right circumstances. He then pointed at a wardrobe and said, maybe there's a mystical world somewhere in there, and we'll all go on an adventure which will teach us about the importance of cooperation. We'll learn these efforts from a mystical lion in a not-that-suttle religious allegory. And even though we'll be in there for months, when

we come out only seconds will have gone by. Then he paused, and looked at the floor and said, oh, maybe we are fucked. And likewise, the president tried to fire up the American people whilst actually annoying them by interrupting the bachelor ret for a presidential address on TV this week and he said, let's seize this moment to show why the United States of America is still the greatest nation on earth. Not because we can still keep our word and meet our obligations, but because we can still come together as one nation before saying, oh, f**k it, even I don't believe that. Let me try it again. Let me just go back and try that again. We're what now? We're live. Oh fudge. Meltdown at 15 feet news now. the times like these the world turns to heroes and luckily

this week it found another an instant American hero emerged an outlaw in the mold of a modern day Jesse James. What happened if you haven't already heard by now was this. As a plane taxi towards its gate a jet blue airue had gone into an argument with a passenger who was trying to get her oversized luggage out of the overhead storage before the seatbell sign was switched off. This woman had already smashed him in the head with the bag at the start of the flight. He snapped, grabbed the inter-conphone and said something on the lines of, to the f***ing asshole who told me to f*** off, it's been a good 28 years, I've had it, that's it. He then grabbed two beers from the fridge, opened one of them,

activated the emergency exit, released the inflatable slide, threw his two bags down before diving after them, running across the tarmac to his car in the parking lot, and driving straight home where the police later found him mid-coiters with his boyfriend. Boom! He instantly captured the hearts of America. What a story! Although he's now facing up to seven years in jail for reckless endangerment and trespassing, the public response to this has been outstanding. The next day he had 125,000 friends on Facebook and someone had already started a Stephen

Slater defense fund that had raised a few thousand dollars. His release from jail after a mystery donor posted the two and a half hour grand bail was a media circus. He got into a silvery van outside the gates but two producers from Good Morning America were making an aggressive play for the first interview, followed him in, rode along for a block before he kicked them out, but then the driver then apparently suddenly freaked out amid the media circus and kicked him out too. Why is it getting better and better? Well that's fantastic John, we've all done the same.

Yeah, haven't we? Not exactly the same clearly, but I've done the same. Yeah, and we, and not exactly the same clearly, but I've done the same at gigs when I got a coswalk on that by an audience member. Right. And it was like I was taking emergency inflatable escape slides to my gig. But obviously given that it wasn't an aeroplane, I had to inflate it manually by which time I went to other parts. Oh no, no, no, those are crucially frustrating moments, aren't they? Could you hang on there, please? It sounds like he melted down like a dead zebra's ice cream, there, John. Sounds like he lost it, like Britain lost its empire,

Struppily off the years of build-up. Sounds like he went off the handle, more than a man who had just been cheating 108 handles in a row in one sitting. Everything he has said since the event has been gold, Andy. In the New York Times, he said that apparently I quote again, telling a passenger off via intercom and exiting an aircraft via a giant inflatable slide had been my secret fantasy for as long as I've worked in the airline hospitality. For 20 years, he went on to say say, I thought about it, but you never

think you're actually going to do it. But he did Andy, he dreamt and he did it. I think it's pretty clear from the public response that America dreamed of somewhat one day doing that too. Maybe that's what Martin Luther King was talking about. That's right. If only it lived to see his dream come true. New spapers found many warnings online of this one day happening. Apparently in postings on airline message boards, he's long complained of ridiculous baggage policies and ensuing passenger bad behavior. One of his postings said, we got a break after 9-11. In fact, despite the challenges of those events, it became so much easier to fly for those of us who still had jobs with the more stringent enforcement of policies.

Now it is again a free-for-all. So there you go, Andy. The nine-year search for something positive to come out of 9-11 is over. Carry on baggage was temporarily reduced, easing the workload on estuards. I wonder if it's going to take another nine years to find a second positive outcome. The senior slate was expected to do a slew of interviews over the next week to sate the public thirst for their hero. And apparently ad companies are also in discussions

over using him, but beer endorsements, apparently were the first natural suggestions. In fact, you could easily do a quick commercial of him telling passengers to go fuck themselves before cracking open a frosty, bud light and sliding down the inflatable slide straight into a disco on the runway. And it's just an idea.

But also, one marketing consultant even suggested that JetBlue themselves should now make him their spokesman saying, Steve Slater is the modern day equivalent of Charles Bronson in Deathwish. Except, of course, there's no artillery bloodshed or permanent damage in this particular example of brand vigilanteism.

The only problem with that analogy is that the only recognizable qualities of Charles Bronson in Deathwish are artillery bloodshed and permanent damage. Without those, it's just a movie about an angry man in a mustache. What, were you in a band called the artillery bloodshed in the permanent damage? Yes, I was. That's why it really chunged with me that quote. The consultant went on to say, I'd recommend JetBlue gets behind him. They have the kind of brand personality and authentic self-assurance to use

this as a perfect opportunity to demonstrate purpose and conviction. And if not, then I'd recommend one of their competitors snapping up. That is clearly unlikely at the moment, because JetBlue has singularly failed to find any of this remotely amusing. We're eating a steak with just this morning saying, the most distressing aspect of the media coverage has been the lightness with which they're treating the deployment of the emergency slide. Slides can be as dangerous as a gun. PEN! What?!

What slide is more dangerous than a gun, Addy? What the f*** are they talking about? That's even stupid, and the whole pen is mighty, and the sort thing. I tell you what JetBlue I'm willing to settle this argument with you with an old-fashioned duel I will meet you in Central Park tomorrow morning at dawn I will bring an AK-47 you can bring your stupid slide let's do this well of course I mean a lot of people think that JFK wasn't killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, but by a kid on a slide coming down the grassy null.

Bracken, next please. Where was that all of a stone? Yeah. Where was that? There's no, the problem is there, Annie, it all quickly gets out of hand. Oh, well, was it, you well, was that kid working alone? Were there two slides? Was there a water slide involved that no one knows about?

It's true that Steve Slater is now the exceptional face of rebellion in America. He has been a lightning rod for everyone who's either wanted to tell someone to f*** off or who's wanted to have a go on an inflatable slide. either wanted to tell someone to f*** off or who's wanted to have a go on an inflatable slide. And I would suggest that he bypasses all these commercial ideas and the four movie franchise. He can be the modern day dirty Harry except instead of walking around killing people, he just tells them to go f*** themselves. And then goes down an inflatable slide. Yes.

Hello, Bueglis. This is producer Chris. It appears that Andy went on holiday without providing an outro. So, engage your brain now and imagine that I am Andy. And so here right now is I'm plugging some shows in the wrong order and the wrong dates with the wrong URL, Google it. Now I am going to plug more shows that actually have probably already happened and now I'm going to thank everyone for donating to the show. You keep us going and we love you dearly. Something quite sincere and nice and heartfelt like that. A cricket reference is probably gonna come in now maybe sort of comparing you to cricket. And then I'm going to apologize that I didn't have time

to read your names out of your really kind donors, but we'll do more soon. So just assume that if you are a lovely donor and you haven't had a message read out it's on its way, then I am probably going to say goodbye and I'll see you for the show in a couple of weeks. Needless follow up, you know, remind up for those live shows and then this music will for the end now.