The Bugle - Bonus Bugle: Australian marriage equality

Episode Date: November 27, 2017

We endure a week off watching cricket in Australia, so offset with some previously unheard Australia marriage news, and sport, of course, more sport. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Uglars and welcome to Bugal Issue 4,050 sub-episode A for Ashes. I am Andy Zoltsman and on this week's free bonus, non-full sub-extra bonus bonus, Bugal. We will bring you some more choice mortals from November's Bugal Live show in London.

Some classic sporting moments from the Google Archives, a look back to what was happening on this planet 10 years ago this week, and a taste of my ashes cricket podcast, The Earn Believer Blashes, with the excellent Felicity Ward. But first, a quick note to make you all aware of two stories of which I am now thanks to you fully aware. Huge gratitude to the literally billions of you who have taken it upon yourself to in verify me of them.

Story one, a US Navy warplane drew a giant sky penis in the sky over Washington state. Now clearly this is a story that demands full pupil consideration. According to the US Navy, the actions of this aircrew are wholly unacceptable and antithetical to Navy core values. Bullshit! US Navy! Bullshit!

You need to update those core values because for too long, our beleaguered species has been trapped in an endless cycle of violence, industrialized military vengeful boom-boom bombasticism that has brought misery to millions. If all future geopolitical squabblings and squabblings could be resolved by resorting instead to schoolboy level sky graffiti, so much the better for this planet and its many varied inhabitants. If the British military, for example, had only flown warplanes over France in the early 19th century, leaving Vapor trail, saying Napoleon Eterluser Massive, Avek Undingling

Vremel Minnescule, and, during a picture of the French leader covering up his renownedly tiny manhood, well, the hat-wearing, war-mongering Russian winter-cockly underestimating nincompoop would have been fatally undermined politically. Europe would have learned to get along, neither World War would have happened, and of course, we'd have never voted for Brexit. Besides, the skill and precision required to execute an aerial cockenballs with a fighter jet are surely precisely within the core values of the US Navy or maybe they wanted more detail. Is this the problem? I mean in a battle situation,

if you've proved that you can lay out a cock and balls, plus the added vapor trail details of testicular follicularisms and erojected ejaculatory globulars, well then in a combat situation, not even the Red Baron himself could scare you. Admittedly for the sake of gender equality, ideally those who carved this vapor trail into the sky would also have carved a similar vapor trail depicting a lady's gagruch, but still we can't demand everything. This kind of thing, this kind of clamped down on this supreme act of aerial creativity is why America voted for Trump because ordinary Americans have been prevented by the liberal media from doing ordinary American things like training for years to become a US Navy pilot and then drawing a giant vapor trail penis in the sky. We've brought this very much upon ourselves. Story 2 of which many of you have made me aware, and indeed the news made me aware,

a Euro Star train was delayed in Belgium by a fire in a waffle factory. Now if there is anyone out there who has not yet tweeted this story to me or emailed it or Facebook shared it or whatever you do on Facebook. Then I assume you are in some kind of medically induced coma. We've even had about 18 tons of surface mail on the subject. I mean that's a lie, but obviously when a story involves the two trigger words, Belgium and Waffles, then it has the full undivided attention of all true buglers, especially when it involves Belgium Waffles and the disruption of international transport links. Surely the plot of all future feature films.

Anyway, we may address these two globally relevant stories in further detail in the next full view. So it is time now to get stuck into this sub-episode before you all run off and feverishly book Loads and Loads and Loads of Tickets to my Soho Theatre show 2017 The Certified of Ible History, running from the 18th of December to the 6th of January with a few days off as presents for yourself, yourselves and all of your family and all friends. So time to go back in time to kick off this sub-ugile, a week and a half back in time to be precise, to the live show at the Leicester Square Theatre, with Nish Kumar and Alice Fraser. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP great shitbags. There they are, it looks like a very weird remake of Dude where's my car.

Do Terté and Trump. It's not surprising that they got along because Duterte was described as the Trump of the East and much like the YouTube commentator who described John Oliver as a rich man's niche coma. That man had just been salting to both parties. That's bullshit. I think he's an amazing came out saying a love song for Donald Trump. Can you just repeat that please? Can you just repeat those words that should not have happened? So he's had an official event.

He stood up. His quote was, ladies and gentlemen, I sang uninvited upon the orders of the commanders in chief of the United States, and then just broke into song. I don't know the song personally but I like to think it begins at first I was afraid I was petrified. Well probably the words translate as you are the light in my world a half of this heart of mine. I mean, that's, those are not words you should use about Donald Trump, unless that light is coal-fired.

LAUGHTER I just give it, what I want to do is lure all the strong man performance politicians into a new X-Factor style, sing off. LAUGHTER I like it to compete in an arena playoff. I don't care if the Russians fix the vote,

like it'll just be... LAUGHTER That's the future for the United States. ...and style and hairstyle, that's the... LAUGHTER MUSIC Cheops, Cheops, pyramid. Originally, the origin of the term Cheops, it was sponsored by Cheops. The third millennium BC banking software company.

Originally check-a-board operations, of course. Then by Kufu, the second millennium BC Banking Software Company. Originally checkerboard operations, of course. Then by Kufu, the second Millennium BC hieroglyph generating mobile phone app. Building pyramids, his effect, was cited as a reason for divorce in up to 83% of failed marriages in ancient Egypt. Hieroglyph discovered in a Giza solicit of office from 3000 years ago,

include phrases such as, if he'd spent as much fucking time in money on me and the kids, as he did to planning his fucking pyramid, I might not have ended up sleeping with Ken. LAUGHTER Uh, right, it's, how are we doing for time, Chris? Because uh, really badly, actually. Really badly.

Oh, yeah, we're supposed to be finished in minus eight minutes. Oh, I mean... Oh, minus nine. We, uh, we did, uh, carry on. We, uh. We did start slightly late due to the unstoppable march of time, and Stuart Lee. That is actually Stuart Lee's wrestling name. So what, I think we should touch on Australian marriage equality. That's the um... Yes, I mean this is, this has happened.

We had a postal vote and entirely ill advised non-binding postal vote and is gone through and Tony Abbott is taking the credit. How is he taking the credit? Well, he started the postal vote and spoke very openly against gay marriage despite having a gay sister and now he's sort of backpiddling with the rapidity of a Lance Armstrong. Is that not a bit like Hitler taking credit for the end of the Second World War? There's fair couldn't end without me starting it. Yes, I will have that shoved up my ass, thank you.

I mean, it's all happening. The gay marriage thing is catching. Senior government minister Christopher Pine has blamed a hacker, making this just mischief off the plebiscite for a rogue like on his Twitter profile, which was discovered early in the morning as celebrations over Wednesdays historic vote for Sensex marriage wore on into the morning about 2am. The profile liked a tweet linking to a video showing

explicit gay porn. Just getting in the spirit of the thing. There's a... My favourite... I mean, obviously this is objectively good news in the end. Regardless of the fact that the poll started on not ideal grounds. It's objectively good news. And it's also objectively good news because of these two people,

Nick and Sarah Jensen, who in 2015 said that they would get a divorce if same-sex marriage would ever pass. But now, they need a lot of legal help because it turns out that they can would get a divorce if same-sex marriage would ever pass. But now, they need a lot of legal help, because it turns out that they can't get a divorce, because they need to show reasonable grounds for a divorce and throwing your toys out of a pram because some people got basic human rights. It's not reasonable grounds.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE When I read this story, it's genuinely heartwarming. Just when you think love is dead, it's genuinely heartwarming. You know, just when you think love is dead, it's genuinely heartwarming to know that two complete f**ks can find each other. Like that. So lovely. Well, we saw that with the, the,

the Gideffi, it's going to be pretty good. And do turtain Trump. If anything, it's the theme of the week. And we got this. That's finding f**ks. It's definitely Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Indeed, boom. If you enjoyed that and last week's show, there are more, Leicester Square Life Bugles on Thursday, 18th January and 22nd of February, details on the internet or from

random passes by in the street. Time now, in this ashes beginning week, to concentrate on something even more important than penis in the sky. That's Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers' finest duet in my book, which admittedly is not necessarily a book you should rely on for historical veracity. Some are even more important than Belgium, living up to every stereotypical dream, it's many admirers and waffle fans around the world had of it. Some are even more important than the world itself, and that of course is cricket. As many of you will know, particularly those who are fans of the universe's greatest thing, Tess match cricket. The Ashes. England against Australia

in five five day cricket matches over seven weeks began in Brisbane, Australia last week, the now 140 year old Anglo-Australia Cricketing rivalry, a turnrified in the form of a tiny, tiny little trophy containing the remnants of someone's barbecue from 1883, essentially. Now, as I record, this is Sunday evening UK time. England have skillfully turned what had begun as a grippingly tense, taught close-fought struggle for supremacy, which shifted one way, then the other over three and a half days of absorbing competition into big on the verge of another numbingly humiliating and crushingly inevitable defeat. We are very, very good at that.

Over the next few weeks, I'm doing a cricket podcast covering the ashes for ABC Radio in Australia, produced by their announced Bugle S.K.P. and Northern Hemmersphere Quitter Tom Wright, and featuring Felicity Ward, the outstanding Australian comedian to give you a taste. Here are some of last week's episode one recorded before the actual cricket bit of the cricket had begun. It should hopefully appeal to cricket fans and non-cricket fans are like, well, maybe not quite alike, but the points down. Felicity, how excited the year was the ashes is about to get underway. Well, I was reading an article written by Jason Gillespie this morning and started to cry as he described walking up through the tunnel and then being blinded by the light.

What was that about cricket? It was like that, it was just a spiritual journey. That's right. In a dark time, you know, after the selectors dropped him and, no, but he was that about cricket? That was just a very small journey. That's right. At a dark time, you know, after the selector's dropped him and, uh, no, but he was talking about Joe root and Steve Smith. And this is the quote that I think needs a mere time, uh, talking about them being baby faced. You don't get to that level of the game without having a bit of shit about you. And that is in the Guardian today. And, uh, that's the level of journalism that he deserves.

Philistie, one of the most important things as a cricket fan, particularly, you know, an English or Australian cricket fan coming to the ashes, is to be as pessimistic as possible about the prospects of your side. And I'd, you know, learnt this through bitter experience. Yeah. Between the years, in 1989 and 2003. So, what are the reasons that you think Australia are definitely going to lose this series? Oh, I mean, there's a lot. But okay, number one, our team's success in any form is entirely dependent on the success of the long running soap opera neighbours. Right. Now hear me out. Not because you look angry so much as bored eyes up here. Okay, think about it. Neighbors starts in the mid-80s. No one takes it seriously. It gets moved, channel to channel.

Then, the end of the 80s, Scott and Charlene get married and 20 million viewers, all of a sudden tune in, and are on the neighbours train. About which time, Alan Border, a young Scallywag with anger issues, is revenge, f***ing his team, back into existence via the medium of cricket. I can't believe they're letting me say that now. Then the early 90s Australia starts making some waves, getting some solid progression. We beat the West Indies for the first time in 25 years and so on. Then we hit 90 97. The year Steve war becomes one day international captain and the year Dr. Carl Kennedy starts cheating on Susan with Sarah Beaumont, arguably the rebirth of international obsession with neighbours the heyday of both we will regale and recall for decades to come.

Next decade, glorious. Australia is setting record after record. Toadfish continues to date and marry many incredible women despite being called Toadfish. Then 2009 hits. Things are very shaky for neighbours, numbers and interest dropping well off, and England achieves its first ashes when it lords since 1934. Final nail in the coffin, 2011 England win the ashes, three won, and neighbours get moved from the main station, network 10 to their digital channel.

Right. That was pretty hard to argue with the history. Or science. Science. It's science. Actually, scientific. A little bit of respect. Right. Sorry. Sorry. Thank you. Pre-Ashes, verbal war news now. And as always, there has been a war of words. The best kind of war in my book,

why can't all wars be wars of words? I particularly work well for Britain versus Australia. Shakespeare, versus Daphne from neighbours, no contest. Trash talking has been an intrinsic part of the Ashes buildup, really since the 1894-1995 tour when England kept in Andrew's stoddart called his Australian counterpart Harry Trotter Quarerless Pump, and Trot hit back by calling Stodder a Bill Juice rap skeleton. But this time England have not really indulged much. I'm not sure they've quite got the characters in the team for that, or at least the characters are currently engaged in certain police investigations. But Nathan Lion has stepped up to the goby plate, put in his bid for the 21st centuries,

least intimidating gobshite. It's very hard to be scared of Nathan on. He's a very, very fine bowler. He burns bread. Yes, well, exactly. He caused a professional cricket match to be delayed due to misuse of a toaster. Burnt toast.

And you know what he said? He said, oh, I reckon this happens once a fortnight at home. If you are burning bread every fortnight, maybe your time with toast is done. Like, think that man an avocado on a plastic spoon, because he can't be trusted. You know, like, he's done that, he stopped play, and then he's come out as this big tough guy. Like, one of the things what he said was being part of that 2013 squad, seeing Mitchell Johnson scare them was unbelievable. We knew they were broken.

Hopefully, we can recreate history. Well, let's hope it's not 2015, we recreate accidentally. Or how about when we lost in 2010 or 2009 or 2005? Like, it's just... You missed out 2013 in England. So I'm not gonna miss any of the English victories. And you can subscribe to the unbelievable ashes using the internet. Well, it is not looking very good for England right now to feed teams inevitable.

But as an English cricket fan, with three and a half decades experience of watching England, if there is one profound adversity in life that I've learned through bitter experience to tolerate, and there is a maximum of one profound adversity in life I've learned to tolerate, it is England losing cricket matches. This they also did with impressive skill, imagination and regularity at the Cricket World Cup back in 2011 held an India Sri Lanka and Bangladesh. I went out to the Cricket World Cup for ESPN Cricking Focus, my first trip to Asia as a pop cricket reporter at the tender age of 36 and I began in Bangladesh. I initially fled Britain for Dubai, I was tough to outdo, Dubai after 36 hours as scheduled.

All I could get the airport was a flight to Bangladesh, possibly over the last of the flight flight I'd built myself. And then after three days in Dacca, I was forced to peg it to India due to a contractual agreement with Crick-Info and the desired portion more cricket. So here's my bugle travel guide to some of the places I've been so far. Dubai, as discussed previously in this esteemed journalistical organ that is the bugle, Dubai is a silly place, the world's biggest and most that is the people do buy is a silly place the world's biggest at most expensive toy the highlight of the by under the departure and the airport was the bird's-killie for the world's

tall list and the stupidest building and johnny these properly staggering it is majestic physically fine a half mile high shot of pure pure economic clock, an architectural whang, flops into the table of humanity for the sound of all rich billionaires saying, what do you think of this, my dear?

It is a startling marvel of engineering, a thing of sky-popping, ice-scraping beauty in its own way, a honkingly amplified f*** you to the concept of impossibility, a gradual middle finger glittering defiantly in the face of gravity necessity and reason a statement that there is nothing that is beyond the reach of humanity if if the part of humanity making it is prepared to spend billion dollars it doesn't have on something that lead well shopping other parts of humanity hard and persistently the art

with a solid gold trungeon as albert his with with Einstein himself said, you cannot put a lead on a headless dog. Sorry, I have a wrong quote. The author says, an ostrich in the catapult is not the same as a helicopter. And that's all that's Thomas Edison. Anyway, Einstein said that the difference

between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. And if he'd been to think of a bird's caliefer, and if he'd seen my guy this last week in Dubai, two eye-talkies teams full of Russians playing each other in a game, in a shopping mall, in a desert. If he'd seen a hotel with a helipad where a room for a night could feed a village for a year, he would be plating himself on his back

with his magic test tube saying, nice one, Alba, you have hit that nail, bang on the bonds. Now, Dacca, next John, no one should mistake Dacca for Paris. It's enough quite the same array of sheep as you've done at closed outlets. No one would mistake Dacca for Los Angeles. It's film ministry is much less prominent. And even fewer people would mistake Dacca for Dubai. Dubai, a place with about as much soul as a bond out Kabul fishmonger. Dac daca a ceaseless wave of humanity

clinging to the press of his liability with its trumps and gradually bustling together and last week john it was going stock bonkers crazy for cricket and the world cup began in daca last after that is known in ceremony featuring uh... what can you get to a feature john

we would you obviously book for the opening ceremony of a cricket tournament in Bangladesh? There's only one person, Andy, and her name is Tina Turner. Wrong is Brian Adams. Well, close. But you know, we're all about cricket in Bangladesh. If you play Summer of 69 backwards, it's basically up to the Bangladesh test captain Habib al-Basha who is a retired man. And going from Dubai to Dachau, is like playing consecutive frames of snooker against Kim Kardashian and Mother Teresa. So, I am opening experience.

More sport now, and in just over two months' months time the 2018 Winter Olympics will take place on the Korean Peninsula. I can't remember offhand which half of the Korean Peninsula, the Northe bit or the Southern bit. If you're going, I'd probably check that first. It might make a difference to what you pack and how long you intend to be away. I'll confirm it before the Olympics begins. But time now for a quick look back to some of the highlights from the last winter games

as reported exclusively on the Bugle. They took place in Russia in 2014. And as the Ice Dance reaches its Donu Mall still in the lead, the Canadian pair Paul Wodge and Jeanette Mayhem and Water Routine that was, who says you cannot win an Olympic ice dance medal as two hours of a pantomime horse, and you have to say they dance quite beautifully to the area from Mozart, Jack and the Beanstalk. But now, to challenge them coming onto this, oh, so very Russian, I sit the hotly fancied South African pair, Skelkenov Van der Jop and Warty Horskok in fourth place

after the prancing around sticking your asses out of the judges phase. Now it's the free dance, always a strength of this pair, and they've gone for another controversial choice of music, Skalkina and Warty, the chart topping 2013 hits by the American porn func pioneer's turbine and the grinder. It's their number one single, dangler danger. I'm gonna put my, in your ear. And let's see how this music works out for them.

Here they go. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

That is unquestionably a very vigorous start. And, well, that is an extremely unorthodox move for this date of the Limpag Ised Dance program. Can't quite imagine Torval and Dean trying to pull back one off and all that, that's too graphic. I've got that least two. Look at my score, hyper technical merit. In fact, it should score very high indeed.

That is a quite extraordinary angle. But now, while some of the judges are turning away, whilst others are leaning in for a close of view, this is a real opinion splitter, and well I guess you cannot dispute the fact, but they have interpreted this music extremely literally. Welcome to the first ever Olympic downhill curling event and as you join us here, it's gorilla slop-chenko of the Ukraine with a final stone of the 14th end. She sets it off now down the icy slope and yes that's another one bouncing into the crowd at the bottom. The... rapidly decreasing crowd. Still no-no. Contention for a podium finish. ...and a... ...and a...

...and a... look at the principal's rule ring. So I'm for the qualifying round of the ice dressage. And there are some very, very agitated looking horses out there after this morning's practice round, very agitated indeed and the only thing one can say about this event is there is a reason that horses live on icebergs, a very good reason. So the excitement is palpatable here at the ski jump hill, as for the first time in the history of winter Olympic ski jumping, motorbikes will be heard. And here comes Italy's Frenchiella Plotter Grotty on her trademark Kawasaki 350. Good speed down the ramp from Frenchiella and up she goes through the flaming river fire

on bus, two bus, three busing, six buses, casual landing. Well it was a brave effort, and the judges will look favorably on that so tough to land in the last competitors' ambulance tracks. That was a super effort. An America's favorite, Enid, Canoevo, it's gonna have to pull out all the stops to beat that. And this venue has seen some spectacular action

in the last two weeks, particularly in the new Big Hill Husky sled jumping. What? I'd have meant that isn't put it this way. There are some fetching Sochi who are enjoying a very profitable games. And there will be further exclusive coverage of the Winter Olympics next year on the Bugle. Well that brings us towards the end of this sub-bugle I do hope you've enjoyed the various offerings within. Don't forget, my radio 4 philosophy series exploring the wonders of various branches of ancient philosophy entitled My Life as A.

Is available on the BBC website. The first two episodes have covered the Stoics and the Epicureans. The final episode in this coming week is the cynics. Please do listen to that, carve the transcript into a stone slab, haul it onto a bus and recite it at a confused stranger. Anything that helps get it out there. We will be back next week with Bugle issue 4151, including part 1 of the 2017 Bugle Advent Calendar. Until then, book your tickets to my shows, please, I've got a UK talk coming up after New Year as well, more on that soon.

Until next time, goodbye. you