The Bugle - Bonus Bugle: Bugle Episode 92

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Andy is in Pakistan so we revisit a classic from The Bugle, where Andy, John talked about things that were happening, including jokes.There's also a new Ask Andy out this week for our paid subscribers!Hear more of our shows, buy our book, and help keep us alive by supporting us here: thebuglepodcast.com/This episode was produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ah ah ah ah ah ah! The Bugle The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Buglers, I am Andes Altzman coming to you live and recorded from Multan in Pakistan where I am being contractually obliged to watch a vast amount of cricket. Tough gig but someone's got to do it and that person luckily is me. Now I was hoping to do a full bugle this week in fact it was going to be possibly probably even the first ever podcast recording that took place simultaneously in Multan, Glasgow and San Francisco simultaneously. If there is

another show that fits that bill I'd love to hear it. Sadly, for various reasons we couldn't record this week. Those reasons, let me emphasize, did not include me turning 50 and gazing into the icy chasm of inevitable decline, decrepitude and keep it light-handed. Anyway, we couldn't record a full episode. Anyway, I'm told there has been no news anywhere anyway. The world is all fine and perky again, which is lovely. we have for you a special sub episode now whilst I have been bathing in the sweet sweet statistics of cricket and watching England break an almost unhealthy number of records producer Chris has taken the time to tidy up the Bugles podcast feed and what a feed it is easily one of the best podcast feeds

for any long-running topical comedy show that began as a transatlantic topical chat between the same two people every week before transmuting into a collection of comedians from around the world, analysing the world's news. Thanks to Chris's hard graft, you can now get the first 100 episodes back where they belong on our main pod feed, so do tuck in and enjoy those slices of long-forgotten and or partially remembered history. Now, sorry, what's that? Yes, thanks for asking. It is also the Bugle's birthday. We are 17 this week and yes, this show will be legally allowed to go to war, stroke, drink, stroke, marry next year, depending on where we choose to base it.

To celebrate our birthday, let's take a trip down memory lane to the Bugle's second birthday. 15 years ago this week, there was news and John Oliver and I broke it to you, the Bugle audience. Here to mark the return of our first 100 episodes to our pod feed, here is our second birthday episode, issue 92 of the Bugle from October 2009 entitled Obama Wins First Preemptive Nobel Peace Prize. Hello Buglers and you are all very welcome to Bugle 92, unless of course you are a major criminal on the run from justice, in which case get your hands and ears off our podcast

and hand yourself in. I'm waiting. I'm not carrying on until all major criminals have stopped listening. Don't just turn it down, turn it off. Good boy. Best of luck at your trial. On with the show. I'm Andy Zoltzman here in London Town which which is, in fact, a city and an ocean away,

albeit a relatively narrow one by oceanic standards. In New York City, it's the mayor of Funny Town himself, John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello Bugglers! Big news has just come out and that is that President Obama has just won the Nobel Peace Prize. Yes he has. They have made some strange decisions in the past,, so this is not unprecedented but this is a weird one. He's won the Nobel Peace Prize for essentially saying how much he likes peace. There are going to be some very angry hippies around today. I've been

doing this for 40 years! Where's my prize? It does seem like this is a direct dig at George W Bush. They've basically said, hey this guy's not even been doing it for a year and look at him! He's already got a Nobel Peace Prize! Hey George! But it's quite amazing, John, though given what's happened in the last decade, for an American president to win the Nobel Peace Prize for most of the last decade, if you'd been told the US president had won a Nobel Peace Prize, you'd assume the person you were talking to had mispronounced the word peace. There are reactions coming in

as we speak Andy I'll just look it online one White House staff has apparently said it's not April the 1st is it that's it's not the reaction I imagine the Nobel Committee were looking for and apparently the Taliban have condemned the award so I don't think that's so much as who it was given to just the concept of peace is something they're very much against and don't believe it should be rewarded. I did actually meet a remarkable human being this week on the show Andy, a guy called William Kumquamba who was in a he's now a 22 year old African guy who at 14 built a windmill to power his family's house.

14 years old and he made it out of bicycle parts and just general shit. I read about him on the internet. What were you doing at 14 Andy? Because I'm guessing that it's sure as shit wasn't building windmills. Well it wasn't John, I was building wave turbines and learning cricket statistics. But yeah, those two. I'm more of a multitasker than William. I've got a celebrity story for you John. I met the Olympic decathletes Dean Macy at a recording. That's good. A very interesting guy, a very nice guy. I learnt something very interesting about Dean Macy John. I learnt that what he really likes is at the end of a smouldering barbecue

he likes to crush open the coals and see the colours within. Has Dean Macy turned to poetry now that he's not competing? I think he just likes crushing barbecue coals. So it's a lovely orange colour. How did that come up naturally in conversation? Did you say, hey Dean? What's the most melancholy image you can counter up for me? My parents were here last weekend Andy. Did they win it? No. They have not yet, yet. Still time. They'd never started a war though, have they? They've never started a war and they're not against peace. Right. So that's got to put them like in the top five. They've got to be on the short list for that. Well, I have met your parents a few times, John, and they've never really sat down and said how much they love peace to me.

No, and so I mean that definitely raises big questions. They were here last weekend, so my girlfriend and I were putting some things up on the walls to try and make the place look a bit nice. And we realized we had two letters from American presidents. I have one from Bill Clinton thanking me for doing a gig for him. And my girlfriend has one from George W. Bush, thanking her for her service in the US Army and fighting a war for her country. Now, the scale of those two expressions of gratitude

when played side by side may seem lopsided, but I will say this, it was a tough gig. It was a large conference room, people sitting on round tables, that's not easy to unite. Begs the question, what would you prefer, a good letter from a bad president or a bad letter from a good one? So this is bugle 92, 92 of course the age Scottish people have to reach before they instinctively chuckle whenever people ask them what time it is at 1.51pm. 92. 92 also what Goebbels would have said had he been a TV quiz show host receiving the wrong answer to the question what is the colloquial name

for the world's largest species of armadillo? Getting a wrong answer and saying 9! TATTOO! 92 also coincidentally the number of times Neville Chamberlain said bollocks within the first 10 minutes of finding out Hitler had swizzed him on the piece in our time prank. And also there have now been so many bugles that scientists believe that if you listen to them all back to back you would suffer permanent brain damage. I'm sure there is more truth in that Andy than you would be comfortable with. And this is for the week beginning Monday the 12th of October. On this day in 1492 John Christopher Columbus made landfall in the Caribbean and apparently he thought he'd reached South Asia.

Bit racist Chris, bit racist. And 200 years after that, Governor Phipps dismissed the court of the Salem witch trials and a young court reporter named Arthur Miller tucked away his notepad and muttered to himself this will make a doozy of an allegory one day, I've just got to wait for the right political story to pin it on and I don't care if I have to wait 250 years to do it. And also in 1823 on this day Charles Macintosh, a scientist, sold the first ever waterproof coat. Can you guess where he was from? Tom, what country might invent a waterproof coat? A very rainy one like Scotland.

Scotland! Bang on! Yes! Now there must have been plenty of other nations who needed a waterproof coat, but it took Scotland to invent it a nation where people might be outside when it starts raining and might also be too drunk to get back inside to stay dry That is evolution in action As always a part of the Bugle is going straight in them in and this week it's a new audio font that the Bugle is using called Scrantletter Bold This audio font is a low-pitched drawl with surprise sounding vowels and a stutter on the T. It is of course a sans serif

audio font but probably only worth using in invitations and stuff. It's not audible enough to be used for standard speech. Now we have a special treat throughout the Bugle this week and that is that Paul who is basically my Tom. No, no, Tom, you're my Tom. I shouldn't say that Tom, you are my Tom as well. Is he like? Thanks John. Paul is the American Tom. I apologise for that Tom. How do you make Paul feel bad?

You always be my Tom, that's right. Paul is the American Tom. And that's quite a thing to be. Paul, it turns out, is very good at playing the trumpet. And not just very good, f***ing good. So we're going to be having live bugle stings in between the bugle this week for you to enjoy. And there's one of them! What a treat! You can't beat a good bit of trumpet. Phenomenal. I'll tell you who thought you could beat a good bit of trumpet. That was our next door neighbours when I was a kid, when I used to play the trumpet.

Top story this week, in the words of the late great S Club 7, there ain't no party conference like a conservative party conference hey hey if you want a visual definition of human awkwardness Andy all you need to do is get yourself to the Tory party conference and look at an audience of white pension-aged English people attempting to whoop it would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic. This week has been proof, if proof were needed, that British people cannot do razzmatazz. This time last year I just got back from the Democrat and Republican Party conventions and they know how to put on a show Andy, balloons, an almost sarcastic amount of balloons. The problem is, the British people just cannot carry off this level of sincerity and enthusiasm.

We've become immune to it. The wind changed sometime in the late 1800s, and we've lost the capacity to fully commit to any emotion. It was a kind of curious conference, because the Conservatives are basically the government in waiting. They will almost certainly bobsled into power with the biggest default landslide victory in democratic history in May. And their conference, well, I guess if you had to sum it up you'd say, yeah, it was alright. Adequate. Really adequate.

Really bother ramming home their opinion poll advantage. Couldn't be arsed. Didn't really need to, it's basically in the bag. And also no one really gives a shit. But still, out with the old, in with the new version of the even older. All they needed to do in this conference was avoid major gaffes that could have fatally undermined the Tory hands leading up to the election and luckily they did that no one stood on the platform and called for all women to be killed or propose the forced deportation of anyone with legs or announced plans to replace all of Britain's hospitals with snake farms and it's gonna take

something of that magnitude to balls it up from here exactly David Cameron seems odds on to become the next Prime Minister. It's hard to know what he'd have had to do. He could say something racist but that's not going to shake off his base. It would have to have emerged that he was either personally responsible for the global financial meltdown or that he'd killed a prostitute. Otherwise Britain had better strap in. His speech as well David, was another bad cover version of what happened in America this time last year. He used the word change 15 times. There really should be a moratorium on that word now. We all need to let it lie fallow for a while before it completely loses its meaning.

Also, it would be very interesting to see if it's physically possible for a modern politician to deliver a speech without that word now. We need to put a fine system in place, similar to a swear box, except this time, every time you mention the word change you need to smash the box into your face. William Hague, the Foreign Secretary in waiting, he said we are ready for government, ready to bring change to this country. But this is exactly what Labour were saying last week, so I just don't know how to choose between them, John. They both seem to want change, they both say they're ready for government. What kind of man is the future Prime Minister David Cameron? Well, the short answer is he's a complete asshole.

The longer answer is this, and I find the most illuminating way to judge British politicians is to imagine what they'd have been doing if they'd been alive during the British Empire. I'm fairly sure that David Cameron would have been sitting in a rocking chair somewhere in India wearing a pith helmet and ordering his troops to fire on unarmed civilians and laughing every minute of it. In fact, I think he even said during a recent interview that he only had two regrets in life. life One saying the word twat on the radio during an interview recently and two not being born 200 years earlier What would Gordon Brown be doing in the British Empire? Well, he'd probably be just like a dour clerk somewhere in London. He didn't know he wouldn't have done any harm. I think

So you'd vote for him on those grounds? Oh Absolutely, no question about it. Just would not David Cameron would have thrived during that time And that is not a pleasant thing to say about someone he would have had more tiger skin hats than you've had hot dinners Exactly. He said some quite fascinating things during this speech John There was some well firstly there was some entertaining cutaways to George Osborne the shadow Chancellor Who generally has the look on his face as if someone has smeared a dead fox inside his jacket, but not told him Might just be the look of someone who isn't about to inherit an absolute shitstorm of a job But there was interesting that he announced various measure that might be unpopular raising the state pension age

Freezing most public sector pay was he risking unpopularity? No The Tories were not risking unpopularity because they are already unpopular. That's true. Less than 10% of the voters at the recent European elections got off their blue arses to vote for them. So they're in a fantastic position, John. It is hard to imagine a government that will have ever entered office in this country with lower public expectations. And that means achievable goals, as any half half-assed life coach will tell you. He started off by saying we all know how bad things are but I want to talk to about how good things could be and my ears pricked up John but he didn't deliver I was expecting rocket

packs for all but no all he offered was things being a bit less shit than they are now. He said also there's a steep climb ahead but the view from the summit will be worth it. But you have to ask yourself will it what if it's just a view of another mountain or of two goats rutting or of even of a cable car house. Now that will be doubly annoying because not only will he not have a nice view but he also realises you don't have to make that climb in the first place and it's an unambitious metaphor anyway because what happens when you reach the summit of a mountain, John? You look at the view for a bit, you pose for photo, and then you're toboggan back down.

So he's basically saying I'm going to temporarily raise Britain out of the dolmen it's in, and then I'm going to plant them straight back there. Maybe that's being realistic. I mean he was trying to avoid any gaffes, as we say, and there was one that did slip through. He was talking about the Defence Secretary, and he said instead of the revolving door Which he was saying the current government has had for defense actually we need a politician of the front rank So no arguments, I guess and then he continued and in Liam Fox we have one This is where him and the country diverged I'm gonna bring Britain a Wimbledon champion in the next five years and that champion will be Alex Bogdanovich

Come on the book He also said politics is about we not about me and you Know what has happened to our soundbite writers in this country this nation has gone to the dogs There was also some infantile controversy when Tory Chairman Eric Pickles, who sounds like a Victorian orphan, little Eric Pickles have a gammy leg, yes he do, a coffin and a spluttering, and with Christmas just around the corner as well. Eric Pickles imposed a champagne ban for all visitors to the Conservative Conference.

In an interview with Evening Standard he said it was their duty to look humble and should avoid offending voters with shows of extravagance basically he said I want to see less champagne bubbles and more bubbling activity before leaving a long excruciating pause punctuated only by the microphone slightly feeding back someone coughing at the back of the room, and a tumbleweed blowing elegantly across the podium. Do you know, John, if he clicked his fingers and pointed at the audience whilst winking? He made it done. See, I wouldn't mind that comment as much

if it wasn't something that he clearly planned, judged to be good, and looked forward to saying out loud. And also, banning champagne does not make them appear more normal, it just implies that they normally drink so much champagne that nothing short of an outright ban will suffice. Not as update now. And Silvio Berlusconi has lost his legal immunity. Now, I know what you're thinking straight away. Well, why isn't he already in prison?

Excellent question. And to be honest, it's one that I too am pondering. Italy's Constitutional Court overturned the law, which granted him immunity from prosecution while in office. And the move opens up the possibility that Berlusconi could stand trial in at least three court cases, including one in

which he's accused of corruption. Now he had argued that immunity gave him the potential to govern without being distracted by the judiciary by trying to get him to pay for those crimes that he committed. I can imagine that would be a distraction but it does set a very dangerous precedent because if you're an Italian citizen you commit a major crime, your lawyer's best advice might end up being you should run for office. That's your best bet mate. Get elected to something. As of earlier this year, Berlusconi had been involved in, and wait for it, two and a half thousand hearings had received 587 visits from the police and had spent £155 million in legal fees during his political career.

That is not the CV of an international leader Andy, that's the CV of Michael Corleone. He admitted that he's no saint and also he's never had sex with a prostitute. Hold on, will someone please tell Silvio that not having sex with the prostitute is not the qualifying factor for sainthood. Listen, it's basically this, if you've never had sex with a prostitute you're in. It's the only thing we as a church are unmovable on. Oh, that was good enough for Jesus. Was it?

Well, I guess we'll never know. And also in Ahmadinejad news, it's a simple question of due or false. There was a magnificent breaking story earlier this week which has tragically turned out to probably not be true. That is absolutely no reason not to repeat it here, it's too good. During the Iranian attempt at an election a while ago, qualified lunatic Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was photographed holding up his ID at a polling station, and a digital photo revealed that his family surname was in fact originally not Ahmadinejad, but Sabojan,

which evidently is possibly a Jewish name, and that this meant that Ahmadinejad was Jewish, which does seem to make a lot more sense of the matter. Of course he is. That explains everything. And also, it redefines a bad Jew. That really takes the concept of Reform Judaism to a whole other level. Not only will I eat bacon and drive on Saturdays, but I also think the Holocaust may be a complete fabrication. Muzzle tarf! Other reports have said that it really depends on the interpretation of the word Sabourja, which in fact is a name deriving from thread painter, Sabour in Farsi, and was a Shia name. So nearly so great Andy. That was my favourite nearly a story for a long time. I think I'm just going to pretend it's true.

Well I think we should John, you know, I think we have that license on the bugle. Yeah. If anyone can prove definitively that Mahmud Ahmadinejad is not Jewish then they're welcome to come on the show and tell us why. He's definitely Jewish John, definitely Jewish. What, it's your judah going off? Yeah, buzzing like a pot of gefilte fish in a microwave. War news now and Earth is at war with the moon and has been since this morning NASA has blown the moon up. It's not going to be there tonight. What are they doing? You say what are they doing, Andy, but maybe I've been living in America too long. But my only thought is, course we bomb the moon good

And the only incredible thing is how has it taken us this long? We're gonna find out what that moon is made of in every sense of the word Think of it as an encouragement to an underperforming planet. It's like using the whip in horse racing This moon has been doing jack shit for decades This is how wars always start John. You know just a flimsy excuse we want to know if there's ice on the moon it's always about commodities isn't it? It's oil on the earth, it's water on the moon and all of a sudden bang you fire a missile and you're stuck in an intractable conflict far from home that you have no realistic hope of properly winning. It's just history

repeating on itself. It can really pull the whole earth's population together though Andy, it's like taking up war against the moon. One thing that we can probably all agree on, that the moon's got it coming. Maybe this is the way to create peace on earth. That's what I'm saying, yeah it could work. Everyone wants a little shot at the moon. Hanging up there all aloof, sneering at us. The Aryan super planet that it is. Giving us night time. So they want to find out if there's water on the moon. And I guess it would be kind of interesting to find out whether or not there's water. But at the same time, my overwhelming thought is, who gives a shit?

You know, unless there are animals, aliens or the real Buzz Aldrin on the moon, I'm not interested. Science, John, a waste of money. It's not as good as sport. Bugle competition time now, and what a prize this is John. The prize is a two for one voucher for... Hold on let me guess, let me guess. Is it Brother Beyond's reunion tour? It's not that. Is it Sister Sledge? No. At the Roman Coliseum? No, sold out. Is it you doing a gig somewhere? It is me doing a gig. Oh, yeah. I'm doing a gig at the Canal Cafe Theatre in Maidavale, London. On next Tuesday and the Tuesday of, that's the 13th and 20th of October, to try out material for a radio show I'm doing. And frankly, I need some bums on seats. So here's a special offer for you, bugle listeners.

You can get two for one tickets to this gig if you come to the canal cafe theater with a printout of Florence Nightingale's face. Present it at the ticket desk and they will give you two for one tickets. What if you turn up dressed as Florence Nightingale? I'll pay for you to come in! Oh dear, this is going to backfire. It's going to be great for the first couple of minutes of the gig. You do realise you've just challenged every English bugle listener to turn up at Florence Nightingale. I should point out it is about 60 seat theatre, so it might be worth booking.

And I hope it's full of 65 Florence Nightingales. Your email's now and we had an absolutely outstanding response for potential Gaddafi translations, the nutjob translations, all very good. But my favourite came from Thomas Hale, aged 19 and a half from London. And it's that half, I think, I'm not sure he could have done this at 19, but at 19 and a half you get to write a work like this. He says, what up Johnny O, Andy Moe Funky's Oatsman and T-Bone. I think that's you Tom. I imagine Colonel Gaddafi would benefit from his message of bewildered senile ramblings to be brought to the hateful West through a medium we could all understand, gangster rap.

So get ready. Look out Moe foes, because G. Daffy in the hizzle. Here to spit it for Rizal to the unizle. Brain full of crazy and a mouth full of stupid. Shooting my rant off in your face like arrows from Cupid. A brand new lyric for 2009. Push in 70, but hey man, I feel fine. Made man of the Libyan sands since 69.

Now listen close to my rhymes. As I waste time and cross the line, I feel fine. Main man of the Libyan sans since 69. Now listen close to my rhymes. As I waste time and cross the line, making you wine. And translators collapse into silly syllables like bear traps. No claps or applause when I pause. Just stunt quiet. If there's a messed up claim in your brain, son, I'll totally buy it.

Ratify to add it to my fist pumping list of theories and queries about assassination. I'm a conspiracy sensation. Just ask Kennedy, son, because that gun was the CIA. And look at Lincoln, eh? Shot dead by Mossad. The boss of Libya said, because that's me, Daffy to the G. In the heezy. Ladies squeeze me.

Dicks potent as my rhymes. Eight strong royal bloodline. And now I've got to stop. G-Daffy dropped some lyrical bombs on the system. Wrinkles this deep I got wisdom. Oh and your mamas, I kissed them. Props to all the ladies in the crowd. Peace out and mad props to my homie Huggie C. Come join me in my tent for a hookah party. What? What? Blacked out, half way through that Andy. What happened? This email comes in from Christopher White in Leicester. On the subject, brings me no joy to say this,

Wibbly Levinianism ain't what it used to be. Oh no. Prepare yourself for a heartbreaker, buglers. Dear Deucebags, you're right, well if you won't read out my emails, what do you expect? Well, what I now expect, Christopher White, is that next time you write an email, you address it in a more polite fashion. My girlfriend, yes, Buglers listeners are capable of sustaining relationships. When do I think we ever said that wasn't the case? We hoped it wasn't the case, but we never said it.

We wish nothing but happiness. My girlfriend informs me that Sum 41 lead man Derek Wibley and future brackets really question mark, well I think we can hardly concoct that, Hottie from history, English mangler Avril Lavigne are no longer in a concordance state of Wibley-Lavinianism and are in fact separating. Oh boy. Shocking, I know know but pull yourselves together. The big question now is will Wibbly Lavinianism be redefined to mean short-term

happiness in wedded matrimony followed by bitterness and resentment following lengthy and costly Hollywood-style divorce. Time will tell but we can be certain that it'll mean whatever we say it means because we're British, inventors of the wonderful English language whom the rest of the world rightfully fear and speak better than most of our citizens. See this email as an example. Cheerio Tom, let's face it the only person likely to read this. F*** you Chris! Wrong again! I should say though John that we had a number of emails put just bringing us this tragic news and I think it does show that we have incredible

power that we basically split up Wibbly and Levine. If it wasn't meant to be, if it wasn't going to work out long term. Also, let's look at the positives. The Wibbly surname is available for another girl out there. Come on! Plenty of Wibbly! There's more Wibbly to go around now. It does seem like by very mentioning it that it had brought the marriage to a close. So I would like to mention, in fact, from Liz Uronach who pointed out that it's a heavy heart that I must inform you of

Zooey Deschanel's marriage. Oh no. She got married to Deathcalf for cutie frontman Ben Gibbon in September I just wanted to mention that just wanted to mention that they got married Oh, right, and I'll just now let nature take its course and by next week Hopefully we should have another announcement because we did with Berlusconi as well. Yeah, I know I'll take that but I just want Zooey to be happy Because we did it with Berlusconi as well. Yeah, I know. Actually I'll take that but I just want Zoe to be happy. Well since you mentioned your own girlfriend earlier in this episode as well. I just admire her.

Right. A bit on the side. No, not a bit on the side Andy. Not a bit on the side at all. I just think she's lovely. So Bugles, do email us. If there's anyone's marriage you'd like to break up, please email us. With names and reasons. That's true, we usually do it within about a week. Maybe an old enemy of yours, you know an ex whose happiness you resent, maybe someone whose spouse you fancy that you want to split up and pick up the pieces. Let us give it the kiss of death. So email us, we'll do some quips, you sit back and watch despair unfold. And do put in the subject title, The Curse of the Bugle.

Oh we've had an absolutely fantastic selection of emails this week, a number of you still giving us links to internet sites with evidence of people drawing cock and balls on stuff including a football pitch in Wall FC near Western Supermair. Some of them are just pranksters painting a huge cock and balls on the pitch so it's always good to know. So it's thinking you know why have a football academy when you can just make your players more fertile. But this email

came in from Fernando Colina in Boston Massachusetts brackets the other side of the river sticks and he writes, which is an interesting way of describing the Atlantic dear click and clack That's good double that name. Thank you so much for the brief podcast you put out a couple of weeks back I heard it twice before realizing my playlist was set to endlessly loop your program You managed to pack as much humor and buddy buddy banter into this brief experiment as you usually put in your longer efforts What thanks?

Thank you Fernando. That is neither a compliment nor a full insult. Actually I think it is a full insult. I think it pretty much is. It's as close as you're reasonably entitled to expect. Dear click and clack. Doesn't even say who's who. I think more myself more of a more of a as a clack. Yeah I'll take click you take clack I used to play the trumpet as well time. I had a teacher called mr. Clack trumpet teacher Yeah, I was such a bad trumpet player. So my own teacher used to turn up 20 minutes late You broke his professional dedication

I bet he was just sitting outside in his car going to swear at least give it ten and I'll definitely not give it half an hour that's the that's the cutoff. I'm sure he's a very good teacher but he saw me and he thought no this guy ain't got it. Sport news now and golf is going to be in the Olympics from 2016. Oh what? That's devalued every medal won at that Games. It's not a sport, it's a game. Well I think there are a number of questions to be asked.

Why might golf be in the Olympics? Now is it possibly because winning the Olympics would be the absolute pinnacle of any golfer's career? No of course it wouldn't. Most of them would just rather earn loads of money being mediocre on the US tour. Is it because the Olympics simply had to have these prime examples of youthful manhood and womanhood on their roster displaying the athletic potential of the human form? Let's have a look at Phil Mickelson. Is it because the ancient sport of golf desperately needs the global attention of the Olympic Games or it will simply die out? No, golf

is always on telly. It is on telly because old people can watch golf and it makes death seem more exciting. So that remains the only possibility. Is it for money? Bingo! The only reason I watch it is if golf is a fair reflection of the people who play it, in which case I believe the only people who should be allowed to enter the Olympics golf are businessmen on long lunches. They should all be playing in full suits, half drunk, avoiding phone calls from their wives. Golf has no more place in the Olympics than competitive gearket eating, speed murder or tennis. So Shambles, Jack Rogger, you come on the bugle and explain your thinking. You are a disgrace. Jesse Owens will be shitting himself in his grave.

Well that's it for the bugle. In fact the Olympics bring us around to wrapping up last week's forecast, John, when it was whether Obama would get the Olympics for Chicago or whether he would be the worst president in American history and well, well he... Worst ever. Worst than Nixon. But, then he's gone and won the Nobel Peace Prize. Maybe the two will...

Best, the latest American president that's ever lived. Better than Lincoln. Maybe the Nobel committee had realised that were there to be an Olympics in Chicago it would lead to a world war. And that Obama, by failing to win the Olympics this year, has brought world peace. Yes. That is exactly what's happened. happened. It makes more sense than what has. Well that's it buglers, no forecast this week. Tom's getting stroppy because we've overrun.

So that's it. Bye bye, thanks for all your emails. Do keep them coming in to the bugle. Thank you for listening to that October 2009 bugle. A little more coherent than the average two-year-old, I'd say, but then I'm biased and we always see the best in our own offspring. We will be back next week with a full episode, by which time I will be in Islamabad. In the meantime, do enjoy everything else the bugle stable has to offer, including top stories from the Bugle Archive and Alice Fraser's The Gargle, the glossy magazine's sister publication to the bugle's remorselessly serious broadsheet and newspaper. And buy tickets for my forthcoming UK tour,

The Zoltgeist, available at andyzoltzman.co.uk. Until next week, Buglers, thank you for listening and goodbye.