The Bugle - Bonus Bugle - Cricket beats Covid

Episode Date: July 12, 2020

Andy introduces some previously unheard clips featuring Alice Fraser, Helen Zaltzman, Nato Green, Nish Kumar, James Nokise, Tiff Stevenson and Tom Ballard. Plus, a classic US election clip with John Oliver.Plus, new Bugle intern Ross - https://twitter.com/Rambothe2nd - delivers the best piece of music from Australia since Angry Anderson, and Producer Chris previews his new series: Fantasy Travel Hacker. Subscribe now.Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A Bugle Sub-episode 4159A for Advoc. Advoc, of course, the animal famously named after a court case brought back in more biblies times when a Dutch species technician called Peter Van Ard launched a court case

against Noah for excluding his new mammal then entoubled the snout about from the list of animals invited to take up residence on his famous arc. The snout about had been excluded because it was a hybrid, bred as a prototype carpet cleaner by Van Ard, and therefore not categorised as one of God's creatures. Van Ard won the court case, the snout about survived, and the judder snitch instead was cast overboard, though what you ask, well, exactly. The snout about then became known after the court case, Ard, the arc, now having defended the claim as a business, rather than an individual for tax purposes. Van Ard himself sadly drowned in the ensuing flood before perfecting his new pigeon horse at the ultimate racing machine.

I digress. If indeed you can indeed digress, without having even begun a journey. I am Addy's ultimate and there is no regular bugle this week because I am in a bioticure hotel in Hampshire watching my own private international cricket match. I basically do tune in to BBC Radio coverage on the radio or indeed online around the world if you want to hear me actually saying some facts, all the facts about sports which is essentially of course a fiction, but that is as far as unprepared to compromise in my personal battle against reality. Instead we have for you this week a bumper crop of bonus bugle material from recent weeks starting with from last week New Zealand news.

New Zealand property market news now and a replica Wild West town is for sale in New Zealand. It's a meticulous reproduction of an 1860s Wyoming frontier town apparently, but was only built in 2006. And I guess the challenge is, you know, the question you've got to ask if you're thinking about buying this property is exactly how much do you want to escape from reality. This is a pretend town from 160 years ago in New Zealand, which is to all practical purposes, a pretend country. That really, you cannot get much further away from reality than that. James, is there much interest in this property?

Well, it's proof quite controversial because there's actually legislation in place about being able to buy property if your Overseas if you're an overseas investor, however that doesn't cover fake cowboy towns Why don't they not think of that? I mean We I feel we should actually use this as an opportunity in New Zealand. We need all the money we can get. So if we can just get someone rich enough to buy this thing and move in and then hook

them up with Tyker YTZ, that's a film franchise ready to go. It's got how many properties has it got 12 or 14? So you can get Ciflis and eat 10 peaches just like in deadwood It's right in the middle of nowhere. That's the weird thing because we also have towns in New Zealand Which are right in the middle of nowhere. I don't think New Zealanders actually knew there was a fake cowboy town Before the story broke. I think they were just driving past it going ah, I wonder which yeah I, I think I've stayed there before actually. Yeah, they do good scones. Yeah. It probably just looks hipster because that's everything. Everything hipster is just kind of like retro nostalgia, right? So it just people driving past going, look at that hipster

place. That's probably a craft, february. How much is it for sale for? Sir, 11.5 million dollars, and if that's US or New Zealand's... I think it's New Zealand, which is about 266,500 US. But I guess why would you buy someone like this in New Zealand, not in Wyoming? What are the attractions, apart from the lack of coronavirus, the lack of institutionalized national self-destruction and the addition of rugby and cricket? I guess the one real selling point is the almost total lack of indigenous mammals, which must be a real attraction to people who absolutely hate the concept of indigenous mammals living

in a place to buy somewhere in New Zealand and you know, you just got a couple of bats to deal with. I mean, that's the nice thing about the New Zealand desert. Nothing kills you. You get annoyed. You will be irritated. Now obviously one thing that no one in Britain or co-videos Albion as I believe it is now known could have foreseen before the government attempted to launch its track and trace system months after other countries had already done so was that one of the key aspects of such track

and trace systems was that they actually need to work. The government's much trumpeted track and trace system destined not so long ago to be world beating in their own words has been tossed into the wheelie bit of history alongside other things such as credibility, hope and dignity by the government. It's announced that they will instead be writing and sending letters to all people diagnosed with COVID asking them to then themselves write a postcard to everyone they think they might have met in the past six months and to parade up and down all the streets within a two mile radius of their house every day wearing a special cape, ringing a bell and print claiming themselves unclean. So they are very much still

on top of this, still on top of it. Well, they're never really hidden their desire for us to be dead. So it seems consistent. Yes. I guess so. That's all you're looking for, isn't it? So what's happened is the UK government has decided that it's not going to use its own app. And is instead going to use the Apple and Google model COVID trackers, which I think is nice. It's nice to see the government coming to terms with reality on any vector at all.

On the other hand, handing even more power into the hands of faux independent minimally regulated, ultra-wealthy, non-government monopolies on the infrastructure of information seems minimally regulated ultra-wealthy non-government monopolies on the infrastructure of information seems a little bit like handing your tiny little exotic dance alien into the slimy little paws of Jabba the Hat and making him pinky swear not to drop her into the nearest monster hole when his hemorrhoids flare up. But like I said earlier, most governments, not digital natives, do you trust them to build an app competently?

No. Or it would be just the kind that keeps crashing constantly before you can even get into it. Yes, and this is very much a government that is trying to take Britain back to a pre-digital age. I think the current target year is 1854. Also, since their plan is for everyone to get COVID, who needs an app to track that?

Exactly, all you need is a British passport. That's what we, that, that will do. Remember they'll put it in the water? Like, like, floor, right? Like the floor, right? Get it, yeah, minutes? I mean, you might mock that now, but you know, when everyone else has still got COVID in a hundred years' time, Britain is ruling the world once again. It's basically smallpox all over again, isn't it? Can't unlearn those skills.

Many people have criticized the British government, but to be fair to them, they have done their best to help this nation get better at cryptic crosswords, or at least they have allowed us to hone our skills at trying to work out the hidden message in ostensibly unintelligible nonsense, such as any piece of government guidance issued in the last few months. Quick update on the latest government guidance on COVID here. Interesting, in fact, the Department of Education updated its guidance to schools ahead of reopening 41 times in a week, which suggests that they're not entirely on top of things. The latest government guidelines on when you're allowed to meet people, two people from one household can meet one person from two other households or an average of half a person from four households for a period of time defined as x squared over the square root of three y over z minutes, where x is a coefficient of how fondly actually are of the other people in the proposed meeting

on an inverse exponential sliding scale, why is the distance they need to travel and z is a numerical value correlating to the extent of panic befuddlement in the eyes of health secretary Matt Hancock. However, no meeting can take place if any of the parties are currently subject to freshly inked tattoos, hangovers, symptoms of excessive apricot consumption, an earworm of the eight 1980s novelty single Agadoo by Black lace and or sympathetic feelings towards global protest movements. The participants must breathe in for three seconds each in a strict rotation, with a buffer of 1.5 seconds between breaths, and out for five seconds whilst facing diametrically away from the person and or persons, oppositely triangulated to them in the social triangle.

All participants and participants, why do they need to bring gender into it? Must hum in more code rather than speak to minimise the transition of the virus as well as the transmit of ideas, hope and love. Cuddles are allowed, but only of scale model sculptures of the other meeting ease or holograms they're whom of. Any grass stud, sat or slouched upon by the meter uppers

must be instantaneously grazed back to a safe length by a licensed goat in full military-level PPE and rules can only underlined be ignored if you are in a position of governmental responsibility. So we're all clear now, and exactly what we're allowed to do and with whom. The US has issued some new guidance, which is basically, you're going to die, just get on with whom. The US has issued some new guidance which is basically you're gonna die just get on with it. At least it's clear though, at least you know where you stand is the confusion we have to deal with. Was it an anagram? No one knows. Australian news now. So just checking that's America failed state, UK failed state, Australia touching go. That's it.

Well, the big thing happened in Australia. See, it was Scott Morrison was told to move off someone's lawn. I was like, did you see that was standing on, he was doing some press conference, standing like, can I come out of his house and say, can you cut off my lawn, I've just receded. We've all got problems on that's all I'm saying. All our countries have problems at the moment. Well, the big news in Australia,

Andy, is our economy is suffering. It's first ever recession in nearly three decades as the nation grapples with the impact of the coronavirus pandemic and of course, the summer's bushfires. The country's economy shrank 0.3% in the first three months of the year from the previous quarter and like all shrinkage, that's very embarrassing. There was a've always said Andy, it's not the size of the economy that matters, it's how you use it. And I've also said that about my tiny tiny penis. Now,

I'm not too worried because we have a wonderful conservative government here who is dedicated to getting us out of the COVID crisis with a business-led economic recovery, which is one of those phrases that just makes you feel good, like flexible work hours or open mic night. I suppose it'll be refreshing to have a business-led recovery after having so many business-led recessions. So I thought I'd look forward to seeing Australian tourism ads with Australia brought to you by Rio Tinto

and Richard Branson turn every single public library in this country into a private prison for the unemployed. Uh, we're planning on using the fossil fuel industry to help get our economy back on track, which I think is genius. What better way to recover from a respiratory illness than by pumping as much poisonous gas into the air as possible.

F*** you, China. If Aussies are going to die by coughing, it's going to be because of our own bloody homegrown dicky-dye f***ing stray or incompetence. Thank you very much. You might be worried, Andy, because the Bank of England has worn Britain could be headed for its biggest economic slump in more than 300 years. It expects GDP to fall by 14% over 2020, which would be the worst recession since a great frost in 1709,

a brutal time when it was so cold many Brits struggled to continue to do slavery. Of course, Britain's second worst economic slump came in 2001 when Andy Zoltzmann made his solo comedy debut at the Edinburgh Festival French. Economists have since studied the financials of the show's season at the French and marbled, and how Zoltzmann's ticket sales and budgetary pressures managed to slide the entire country into civil tennis recession and inflation and deflation. The country managed to bounce back, but Zoltzmann would go into suffer through almost two decades of wage stagnation and was forced to impose brutal austerity on both himself and his children. Now, I'm worried, I'm only 30 years old, so this is the first ever recession that I've lived through.

You guys have been through recessions in your own failed states in the US and UK. Any tips to me at all? How do you get through a recession, Andy? What do I do, Hi? Well, can I just pit you up on that last bit? at all, how do you get through a recession, Andy? What do I do? Well, can I just pit you up on that last bit? We try to avoid facts on the show as much as possible. So can you just don't bring shit like that on the show again? Sorry, man. I mean, that was, I mean, to be honest, way too close to the truth. So, well, I mean, the great thing, you say it's the worst ever recession, but you know, worst, I mean, it's the biggest, biggest ever, biggest, biggest good, isn't it? That's what we, that's what we learned. The thing is, the great thing with having a massive

recession, we saw this after the 2008 financial crisis is that you can then manipulate the growth figures. So he said, ah, we are a fastest growing economy in Europe. Yep, that's only just because you economy into it. We are the fastest growing economy in your fastest growing, fastest growing. On the subject of Australia, we currently have a wonderful bugle intern, Ross, who has concocted a musical masterpiece about Australia for all future generations to enjoy. Starting with you, listening now, who are more of a current generation, admittedly, but of course you used to be a future generation and never forget where you've come from.

Unleash Ross. Australia. Australia. Australia Australia Australia We inherit all our arguments from Britain and Andy Man, Australia Captain Cook Australia Australia Australia Australia

Australia What a f**king face who fully sucks like an absolute dog Australia Captain Cook Australia Captain Cook Australia Captain Cook Who spent a week or so in Australia then f**k off to look for someone else Australia We all hate mandos Australia Captain Cook Australia We all hate man Cook Australia Captain Cook

We all hate land, Australia. Cactus a cook. We all hate landers. Mandeys. Mandeys. We all hate mandeys. Mandeys. Mandeys. We all hate mandeys, dog. Mandeys.

Mandeys. We all hate mandeys. Cactus a cook. Finally this week, archive time. Remember when the prospect of an American president being re-elected? Wasn't enough to make you run for the book of revelations to rifle through the pages muttering, for f*** sake, if not now, then when? Well, to help Joggle your memory, here's the year 2012. Top story this week, US presidential election 2012, vote or sigh.

And I think that the US presidential election season is actually the perfect way for you to transition from your addiction to the Olympics, because they actually have a lot in common those two events. Think about it, the whole thing happens every four years. It's two people racing each other. After going round and round in circles, one will eventually be declared the winner. It's incredibly expensive to put on, and there's just as much corporate involvement that slightly soils the whole event. It's perfect, Andy. It's like a nicotine patch for a debilitating sports addiction. And there was a big development this week.

Mitt Romney finally picked his running mate, and he went with Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan, a move which seemed to energize The base of the Republican party who love to be energized by conservative picks around this time of year Now some people might say why the hoopla it's only the vice president Why is everyone getting excited over a largely ceremonial role? Well because that is simply no longer the case you are thinking with a pre year Well, because that is simply no longer the case. You are thinking with a pre-year 2000s mentality. Because it was around that time that Dick Cheney

managed to successfully change his job description into something significantly more powerful than the job he signed up for. With Cheney, the Republican seemed to unlock their ideal formula for a presidential ticket, a sinister puppet master pulling the strings of a happy-go-lucky wooden boy. The aim for the Republicans at the start of any search for a presidential candidate is now to find a nominee who's essentially an empty, amiable husk, just palatable enough

to disguise the poisonous substance of their running mate. Think about the Trek record, Bush, Cheney, McCain, Palin, and now Romney Ryan. Because Paul Ryan might look like an average midwestern, good-looking man who was walking down the street when a Brooks brother's story exploded all over him. But he wants to end Medicare, has spent the last few years driving John Boehner, the speaker of the house here, into almost unprecedented levels of obstructionism. Now you might think, why don't Republicans just nominate the person they actually want in the first place? Why don't they just nominate Paul Ryan if they like him so much?

Well, because they know that you cannot shoot pure heroin at me. It will fucking kill you. You have to cut it with baking soda and that is what they've done here. Well, yes, he does. I mean, it seems like many Republicans, Republicans too love the concept of women having all the possible babies that they may or may not want and of poor people retaining the God-given rights to die untreated in the maximum amount of pain. So I guess you should appealing clearly to the Republican heartlands. That's right, Andy, but what you're selling is not something that you can

appeal to people with on the top half of your ticket. So that's why this system they found works. It's hard when you give a dog a pill for worms. It's never gonna eat that pill on its own. The pill is clearly disgusting. So you hide that pill in a bowl of cottage cheese. And if the Republicans have their way, Andy,

come November, America is going to have cottage cheese all over its face and not realise what is just eating. The concept is nothing new, look at the ancient Greeks, they invented democracy and when they sacked the city of Troy, they didn't just show up with a bunch of crazy Greeks, they put a bunch of crazy Greeks inside an empty wooden horse. What I'm saying is, Romney is that empty wooden horse and Paul Ryan is a bunch of crazy Greeks. I don't remember that horse being quite as much of a dick though.

All right, that is a one floor in that metaphor Andy, but that is a fair point. So the Trojans would have said, let's get rid of this f***ing horse. This horse is an asshole. Also, it's crossed us around in a ludicrous way. This is all***ing awesome. This horse is an asshole. Also, it's crossed us around in a ludicrous way. This horse is too big classical music. This horse does not pay enough taxes. That's all for this week's sub-bugle. You have heard from, Tiff Stevenson, James Nicky say, Helen Slatsman, Alice Fraser, Ross the intern,

Nish Kumar, NATO Green, Harry Condobolo, Tom Ballard and Chlano Levera. Time for me to return once again to commune with the comfortably twistable truths of cricket statistics and to recommend you listen to producer Chris's new series of his Travel Hacker podcast, available at all good podcast shops, about which he will now tell you everything. Chris, wake up. This is your moment. Until next week, Bugglers, goodbye. Thanks, Andy, and hello, Bugglers. So as some of you might know, I make a program with one of the true greats of podcasting

a man called Richie Firth, who believes he can get from A to B better than anybody else. Now, you might have noticed that traveling around has become increasingly difficult over the last three, four months, something's going on, not quite sure, should probably find out a little bit more about that. So we have decided to basically reinvent our show, which is now called Fantasy Travel Hacker, where basically Rich and I get suggestions from members of the global public about ways in which we might make their journeys better. It could be a better way to get to the shops, it could be a better way to go over a waterfall, it could be a better way to traverse between

two countries without getting any kind of visa. So please do listen, it's Richie Firth travel hacker in all good stores and I'm going to play you a completely out of context clip which may or may not work in this environment. Goodbye, you know I love you all. Except you. Well two hacks down in the first episode of series two of Richie Firth Travel Hacker, two hacks down, two hacks Done. It's going well, time for a new feature to season 2. Oh yes, it's a celebrity hack! Celebrity hack, celebrity hack, do do celebrity hack, celebrity hack, do do celebrity hack, celebrity hack, celebrity

hack. Could you add some reverb and a jazzy bit to that please. Sure. Celebrity hack, celebrity hack, do do do celebrity hack, celebrity hack, do do celebrity hack, celebrity hack, celebrity hack, celebrity hack, celebrity hack, celebrity Rich, Rich, wake up. Right, it's time for our first ever celebrity hack. It is comedian and podcaster Alice Fraser who brings it to us tonight. Hello Alice, what's your hack? Hi there travel hackers. Popular entertainer Alice Fraser here with a request for Ritchie and Chris. Hi Ritchie and Chris, please tell me the best way to get from nottingham castle to show

and forest. No reason, just reason. Just no guy recently. you