The Bugle - Bonus Bugle - Election Fatigue

Episode Date: December 1, 2019

As we prepare for one last push, Andy looks back at some classic election moments, and how the world has changed in the last 10 years Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio news paper for a visual world! Hello, Buglers, and welcome to Bugle Issue 4131 sub-episode I. Short, of course, for I need a week off from full immersion in the British election campaign to spiritually fumigate myself and come to think of it from all other news as well.

I am Andy Zoltzman, and for your delectation this week, we are raiding the esteemed archives of the Bugle podcast, which has been chronicling the world for posterity since Time Memorial, or 2007. I forget one of the two. There will also be some lies about our voluntary subscribers and a prime off-gut from a more recent show, plus a plug for my Soho Theatre run. This year's edition of Anteasultamans the Certifiable History. It begins on the 16th of December, running from the 16th to the 21st, then the 27th and 28th and 30th of December, and the 2nd to the 4th of January. Tickets are available on the internet

and the greatest Christmas presents anyone could give and or receive. That plug for that show will be coming right at the start of the show. There it was. Moving on to our raid of the Bugle Archives. Here we are in 2019, scuttling towards the end of yet another decade for humanity. This of course is nothing new for the Bugle, we've been seeing decades splutter to their

end since before you were born, assuming you are under just under 10 years old. The last episode of the previous decade was Bugle 99, and this is what the world sounded like back then. So this is the 99 full edition of the Bugle the world's longest running audio newspaper for its world. So long running in fact that I can no longer say those words without slightly slurring like Boris Yeltsin. Who would have thought John 20 years ago that we'd be sitting in now recording the 99th Bugle? Yeah, it definitely wouldn't be. We would have been able to process having the capacity to do that technologically. That's right. Also, when I was 12. Yeah. At the time, I didn't know you.

I would never met, wouldn't meet for eight or ten years, I guess. Also, at that point in my life, I was definitely considering a career as a footballer, not a comedian. Right. When I say considering, I mean, fantasizing about. Sounds like you still are. Okay, that is technically true. You're just using the daily show as a stepping stone to become a professional football player. Just whatever it takes, whatever it takes, Andy.

So this is a historic bugle for a number of reasons. Of course, it's the last ever two-digit bugle. The last bugle to take place in a year containing consecutive zeros for at least the next 90 years and two weeks. The only ever bugle that we will be recorded in the week of the 218th anniversary of the Bill of Rights becoming part of US law. On the 45th birthday of wrestling legends Stone Cold Steve Austin. Also the first ever bugle whose number sounds like a conversation in a Berlin cafe in which an English- tourist tries to order a round of hot beverages for an Oxford boat race crew in their cocks but is refused. 99!

Also the first... Oh! Oh that's no way to say goodbye to double digits. Also the first bugle to contain either the word Zam Ponga. Or indeed any reference to any form of Italian backpack variant. That's what the Zam Ponga is. I like that this is an educational podcast. Keep thinking that. Or to contain reference to the chemical element Hathniam, the cheeky little tetravalent transition metal with an atomic

number of 72, used in the production of control rods for nuclear actors, which was of course named off to the Cleveland Indians baseball player Travis Hathner. Sorry I've drifted away again. As always, some sections of the bugoang straight in the bin. This week, the first in a series of free, bugal Christmas threats. Intimidate friend and foe alike with our seasonal provocation, scientifically proven to be 50% more disquieting than the average threat. And here is number one threat.

I will summon the vengeful furies of the underworld to pursue you during your every waking moment until the prospect of death themes a blessed relief from the abominable strafing of those uncomfortable beasts who will stop at naught until they taste your warm blood on their cornflakes of hatred, whose very existence is concerned with nothing but your total destruction, who will not rest their vengeful limbs until you have been cast into a chasm of nothingness if you don't stop singing those carols come on, shoe clear off and you're not getting a f***ing pines pie also in the bin, does Britain have a future

in the week in which London has grounds to a halt two to two centimetres of f***ing snow and in which 19 million people watch the final of the amateur karaoke competition the X-Factor, we ask what the sacrifice of our forefathers made in two world wars really worth the effort. So I think it's fair to say this decade has not had a completely monopoly on ridiculous behaviour. Another thing the Bugle is one of the most experienced podcasts in the universe at, is covering British general elections. Our run of three unbroken general elections covered is the envy of newer podcasts, such as Alternative History Pod, What If Teddy Roosevelt had been

Madonna. Don't put that in there, that's a new kitchen safety show in case you were wondering. And the new show from the Audio-Coman Network for deliberately boring podcasts that help their listeners get to sleep. This show is one in which fans of the influential rock legends the who described their backup home-powered devices are shown titled, Talking About My Generator. There's a niche for everything in this industry. The first general election the view covered was in 2010, when 13 years of labour government spluttered and fludge to an end. Top story this week and a key for the UK.

It's coming some time and maybe I give a wrong time stop a traffic line if you dream is a shopping scheme because I wanna be... And a game! He's been waiting a long time to get that one out of your... Oh boy. ...your back too. That felt better out then. That was your rescue club. Well, Andy, you woke up in a different Britain than the one you fell asleep in.

You're like Dorothy waking up and realizing that she's actually still in Kansas. It's just that Kansas has swung frighteningly far to the right. That's not a scarecrow, Dorothy, that's a homeless man who now has no welfare state to help him. Now, clicky heels together three times and say, I wish I'd voted yesterday. So, what is the atmosphere over there, Andy? Well, John, just total panic as I suggested at the top of the show, we just, you know, we're just waiting for someone to take control of this country. I know. I'm sure our bugle listeners know it's, it was a hung parliament yesterday's elections.

We were recording on Friday at the moment. It's still all up in the air. As we're recording, David Cameron is making a speech in which I believe he's declaring that he has the Queen hostage in the boot of his car and he's going to kill her unless we let him be Prime Minister. Well, Britain is currently without a government bugle. And I actually think this is really a huge opportunity, a big chance for the Queen. And she drives around today, and he's firing a machine gun into the air. I think she could have the dictatorship that I know she's been dreaming about since she was 12. Yep. Interesting that actually that this should have fallen on on bugle 114 because 114 is the number of times David Cameron has had practices off the cuff acceptance speech at least now

having to hastily rewrite. Also the number of times Gordon Brown was dreamt he was born a hundred years earlier and in Russia. Ironically, also the A114 in Germany is a road leading to central Berlin and with a hung parliament, the right wing press have been telling us that we might as well have let Hitler win, take over and divert the British A114 in North East London straight to the Reichstag. So it's been kind of amazing because the Labour Party lost the election, the Conservatives also lost the election and the Liberal Democrats, well they lost the election really quite badly. They really lost the election. And the assorted Celts and Nutcasses, they've also lost the election. So now with everyone

having lost the election, we're now down to a squabble about who has lost it the least. And the Conservatives had the most votes and seats, but this is either of a who has the mandate. The government clearly ended up with under 30% of the vote from a 65% turnout, 255 seats. I need 326 for an overall majority. The Tories on 302, as we speak, a Cameron is now saying, this is breaking news on the vehicle common is now saying he he does subscribe to the people that hasn't listened to it for a few weeks because he's been busy that's now flat that's that's come through from routers

wow we're saying he's going to try and form a minority government and talk to the other parties that will and this this could be a momentous day for british politics on this could be the day the british politics grows the cut*** up. I think Andy the problem there is that you're presupposing an engaged electorate and politicians with the capacity for shame and that's ludicrous. But I mean it all yesterday was an incredible day, it was

awesome going to vote. I love the smell of democracy in the morning. Surprisingly similar to a dairy farm in fact in the I love the smell of democracy in the morning. Surprisingly similar to a dairy farm in fact in the morning, the smell of British democracy also sounds quite like one too. And has a lot of people milking it for all they can and on the whole new message inevitably left behind. It's truly uncanny John. But there is, as you know, nothing better in this life than writing the letter X in a box next in the name of someone you've never heard of. That is what democracy is all about John. So no government as it stands but to be honest,

I don't think this result has particularly surprised anyone. Gordon Brown actually released a statement saying that he would take full responsibility for the election defeat a day before the polls are even open. I'm not questioning his facts there Andy, I'm just questioning his timing. He is a regular Henry V that mad as me. Man gather round, I just want you troops to know that when Ashencore is a total catastrophe, I mean a complete massacre that it is on me. Okay, my bad. I think that's it. Once more into the breach, you're certain deaths everybody. Let's get this thing over with.

Well, it's like Churchill, on the first draft draft of his famous we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the hills a little skip, quite different because he wasn't very confident and he said we'll fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the hills but frankly I don't really fancy our chances the germs looking pretty strong at the moment and to be honest they probably deserve to win they've certainly been a better team over the course of the war so far and we can have no complaints really. So, best of luck to Adolf and his team, I thoroughly married to this victory, but luckily someone got to him and said, come on, come out fighting, big win. And he did. But we've had a touch of the

touch of excitement in this, to actually, that a number of postal votes have gone missing and we've ended up with hundreds of people being locked out votes have gone missing and we've ended up with hundreds of people being locked out as the polls closed at 10 o'clock last night because there were huge queues because I think people had committed the mistake of living in a massively incompetently run area. And so kind of those genuine sort of almost like it was about to break down into violence. We had a real touch of the sort of Afghan election experience. So it's kind of sharing democracy around the world and it's show that it's given take really.

But the people of Britain have spoken John, they spoke, they spoke with one voice and what they said was, now all three parties start jockeying for alliances like there were on a jungle reality show all about to eat a jar of cockroaches. And in fact, that process might have even more dignity than the one they're about to embark on. It's also three people completing for a job that if any one of them stopped to think about it for a second would realise they might not actually want. Brent's budget deficit is set to be even bigger than Greece's this year

and they are on the verge of a bankrupt anarchy. This might actually turn into an argument of you have it. No, no, no, no, you have it. Oh, well, come on, you won most seats. It's yours. Oh, I won't hear it, Prime Minister. Please don't call me that. You know, it's because it often usually elections you get people coming out and claiming victory, but I think they'd look at the economy and basically everyone was saying, no, it's not looking good and just desperately trying to claim defeat and I think Cameron's failure to win this election outright must go down as one of the most spectacular electoral bloopers in our history. His labour, John, was staring down the barrel but more than that

they had pointed the barrel at their own face and written a note saying sorry to everyone they'd let down and then placed the Conservatives finger on the trigger. So quite how it went wrong is is frankly baffling particularly when they had a huge support from the press the conservatives and this sort of fed into the anti-lived dem swing I think in the last few days the worries about the hung parliaments a lot of the newspapers have said they're these concerns that are vomited out by the by the Tory press onto the nation's conflicts about how basically looking at Greece now It's basically a computer simulation and what Britain will be like if there's a hung parliament

She just flames riots 100,000 years of British civilization Conflagrated in one fell swoop of electoral indecision about how if there's a hung parliament It would probably vote to ban all medical advances made since 1785 and make all women were concrete burgers. So, I mean, that was the level of scare mongering going on. And the Conservatives, if they do form a government, which now seems likely in minority government, they will be the least popular in government since the 1920s. But I think these low expectations could really help, John, because people have had enough of being let down by their politicians, They're sick to death of it quite literally

in some cases due to NHS underfunding, but you can only let people down if they expect you to be any good in the first place. And the way this election has gone shows that people don't expect anyone to be any good anymore. And expectations will be so low that all the Conservatives all need to do is stop the Queen being kidnapped by the Chinese and everyone will think they've done better than expected So this could actually work work for them. There were there were there were also of course the traditional voting irregularities to add a bit of spice to the day. You mentioned the long-lowns and people being shut out apparently also this time a 15-month-old baby was sent to Poland, giving him the option to vote. His name is Alexander McConnell from Southworld and he received the card in the post along with the cards for his parents and everyone seems to have had a bit of a laugh

about this, Sandy, about how funny it is that this baby was given the opportunity to vote. But that baby should have got off his ill-formed ass and actually voted. Does he know how many people died so that he could be mistakenly sent that card? Apparently, he doesn't, because he hasn't even bothered to develop his brain to the point where he can even process that as a potential piece of information. And is that not typical of the apathy in Demick and the young voter at the moment? They should have carried him into the voting booth and left him there until he made up his mind or at least eaten a ballot paper. Twenty-ten there, an election that, as we look back at it now, has a fuck of a lot to answer for. Hey Chris, have we got anything off the cutting-run floor from recent episodes

we can pat this out with? Not now Andy. Great. Who's in it? I said no. I'm trying to watch matches the day. Super. Granking up. Oh, fuck's sake. Here's something. I mean, the British establishment has been rocks to its core multiple ways this week. Strictly come dancing, which I believe has royal charter as a TV show, had its first ever same-sex routine and it sparked almost 200 complaints to the BBC. Some viewers apparently said they were no longer watched the show of same-sex pairings became a regular feature. Now I no longer watch the show because I never watch the show in the first place. But that's a strange tipping point. Very isn't it rather than the fact that it's Teediously repetitive and formulae garbage the fact that the same same sex dance

Could affect your adjure and then I've a show yeah, it seems it's almost as if it's not really about the dancing Oh, right, okay, it's almost as if that I don't mean the it's resulted in I think a couple of hundred complaints coming into the BBC from let's face it, arseholes. And what I would say to these people is getting our souls to complain to the BBC is my job. Back off gay dancers, this is my turf. Also, I mean complaints of the BBC is basically the only effective way of getting anything done in this country. One complaint to the BBC, basically causes the whole organisation to go into lockdown, whereas a million people complaining on the streets of London recently barely got 20 seconds on the... I guess it's Stalin who say,

one complaint can stop the BBC, a million complaints is just a statistic. I mean I thought it was quite a nice moment, just you know it's a bastion of the British establishment and having same sex pair of extrancing feels like a measure of social progress, but then I am as my mother describing me a leftist subversive. So... Those are strange middle names. General elections of course are not the only elections in town, not in this town anyway. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha malled at a ballot box like a teenage binge drinker on a bad night out. On the minus side, less than 10% of potential voters voted for the Labour Party. On the plus side, he could say that with a 35% turnout in the low collections, 75% of potential voters in all didn't vote against him.

So once again, those key floating voters are going to be crucial, John. Hold on a second. What was that 110% turnout? No, I mean, including the 10% that actually voted for Labour. Plus the 65% who loved democracy so much, they don't want to risk getting it wrong by writing an X in the wrong box. That's the thing. I mean, isn't it not the big story from the night that yet again,

the landslide winner was the concept of people not giving a shit about things. It's always going to be the way, John. That's what we thought the wars were. We thought wars so that we had the right not to give a shit about stuff. Yep, true, true. So the floating vote of the weekend by voting, of course, are doing bobbing face down on a reservoir of disillusionment.

Gordon Brown seems to be in some trouble, Andy, as his unpopularity rises like a sunflower of doom. Asked whether he had a presentational problem and was less able to give a human answer to a question than his predecessor, Tony Blair, he said, my job is to work every day on behalf of the people of this country. So yes, a simple yes. Blair did have that uncanny quality of giving you bad news in a way that a friend would or be it a friend who was directly responsible for the bad news in question. In the same interview Gordon Brown was asked by the journalist what the first thing he thought of in the morning was when he woke up that day and he said it was a housing crisis and how to get first-time buyers onto the ladder. The first thing, before thinking where am I, or I don't want to be awake yet,

or if someone doesn't get me a cup of coffee the next two minutes, I'm going to kill the first thing that moves. No, not that. The housing crisis. And the horrendous thing is that can even be true. I wouldn't put it past him thinking that. I'm sure his wife, during a romantic dinner has found his house saying, what are you thinking, Gordon? Only for him to reply, oh, whether low interest rate, so genuinely the long-term fiscal interest of this country? He's a serious man, Andy, and for some inexplicable reason, we don't want that. We certainly don't. He's perhaps also been slightly left in the position of the guy who would have had to take charge on the Titanic, had Captain

Smith said, my god, you were right, it is an iceberg. I could have sworn it was only a chocolate wrapper, my mistake. Is that the time I'll do? I must be off now. Well, you've always been an ambitious lad. You take the reins, right? Get my chopper, I'm out of here. The result of the London Meryl election is not quite out as we record, but it does seem that Ken Livingston, the incumbent mayor, could well lose to joke candidate Boris Johnson, raising the possibility that he will do a Magarby and refuse to announce the result for weeks. Before eventually saying, yeah, we're going to have to have a recount. Who knows if that will happen? All I can say for Shorjon is that at this very moment there's a big

Chinese ship more than on the Thames outside City Hall in London. There's a big Chinese ship more than the Thames outside City Hall in London. And there's a courier waiting in reception saying, no, it's a special delivery. Mr. Livingston has to sign for himself. It does seem that London, a major international city, is about to vote for comedy rather than competence and have what, I mean, the rest of the world really do have something to look forward to in Johnson. That's the worst thing. I'm not sure I can entirely disagree with it. It's going to be awful. It's going to be absolutely awful, but it's going to be funny. The whole thing is a bit like a plot of a low-budget comedy film, though it's not the greatest

ever example of a drunken dare going much better than expected. Basically the plot is man bets friends he can't become mayor of London. Friend takes bet whilst hammered. Man says there's no way you'll win. You're an obvious tit. Friend says good points but let's have a laugh anyway. Friend ends up winning by default. Ox asks man what do I do now. Man says don't know mate just wing it. Friend says yeah good call how badly could it possibly go leaving it open for a hilarious sequel. And finally, Sport Now and the Bugle has of course always been at the forefront of reporting if you will, respawning on the events that other media outlets fear to cover.

Over 10 years ago in Bugle 61, we were proud to be exclusive media rights holders for the world over reaction championships, an event that now simply happens every day, everywhere, all the time. Sports news now, and there's been violence at a tennis match. Hooliganism is back, John. Novak, Joke of Itch fans, clashed with Amadellich fans at the Australian Open. I think it's time to segregate tennis fans. Joke of Itch isn't a deletches, can't live in harmony.

They should be opposite ends of the court. I'm just relieved that the docket shelters and the Wasniacky crew didn't flare up during the women's third round match this morning. When I overheat finished on, what could possibly possess these people get violent over tennis? Well, perhaps it's because

Jokovic, the world number three in a big fan of the bugle or at least he would be if he could be bothered to listen to it. Jokovic is Serbian and deli-ish although now American was born Bosnian. So I guess it's starting to fit together a bit with a little bit of historical context. I guess it shows how far Serbian Bosnian have come, though, over the last 15 years that, now that they're just throwing chairs at each other at a tennis tournament and not committing

human rights atrocities against each other. So it shows how far we've come. right to trotters against each other. So it shows how far we've come. Well, that's it from the archives for this week's sub-episode. We'll be back with a full pre-election bugle next week. And finally, here are some lies about our voluntary subscribers, thanks to everyone who has contributed to the continuing independence and advert-free-ness of the bugle. But you also have a theatre ticket now.

Lies! Let's have some lies, music please. Melanie Cohen thinks ice hockey pucks should be made of licorice, and that every time a player scores a goal, they should be allowed to eat it. She acknowledges this may give an unfair advantage to the licorice-obsessedest Sweden, but she sticks by to the plan nonetheless. Gwen Morrissey simply cannot understand why in Slalom skiing the participants don't simply have curved skis, the left one curving in the opposite direction to the right one, so all you would have to do to maneuver your way down the course would be to lift up one

leg then the other at the appropriate moments. Peter W believes it is one of the great disappointments of modern life that we don't have weird rituals like people used to make up for fun in the olden days. He has started to try to revive this great tradition by hurling grandfather clocks off a cliff at midnight on the first day of each month in symbolic defiance of the passage of time. Martin Schmeying, her televist, and jumped aboard that rich-low symbolistic bandwagon. Every morning, Martin now burns a page of newspaper and a bit of an encyclopedia, then wofts the smoke around with a fan to earn the good will

of whatever malevolent cosmic force controls the quality of Wi-Fi signals in public places. Scott Manson did an unauthorized home PhD dissertation in which you discovered that the vast majority of frogs up to 96% of them don't actually know whether they are frogs or toads, and more to the point simply don't really care one way or the other. They don't live their amphibious lives by labels, says Scotland, and I respect that. Tomasz Morzewski has a couple of friends who are strong believers in nominative determinism, understandably so because they're called leaf bruer and norra bone and are respectively a professional tea

taster and a cannibal. Michael and Nicole Kelly think we might all be a little bit more tolerant of immigrants if every 10 years everyone in the world was forced to migrate to somewhere else for the next 10 years just to see what it's like. They admit they have not got as far as the logistics or the costings, but they also reckon that it would give international sport a longer-vigil shake-up. Often you'll, Joseph Hickey and Harry Sims, all separately entered a competition to come up with new theories covering the mysterious disappearance of everyone on board the ship the Marry Celeste in 1872. Often Yule's theory is that a game of dolphin polo between the people on board descended

into a fight between the two teams, the polo dolphins, and a school of nearby sharks who had been betting on the outcome. Joseph Hickey's theory was that the ten people on board were pecked off by giant space terror dactyls before the creatures flew back to the planet Sores, whence came all the dinosaurs of course. In fact, he supposed asteroid that wiped them out was in fact a spaceship taking them home, but that is a different story. Harry Sims' is Marry Celeste Theory was that the crew discovered a magical undersea kingdom, spent a bit of time there, fell in love with the locals and just settled in really.

They really liked the way of life there once they'd got used to it being a little bit soggy, great welfare systems and terrific sushi. All three of those people received highly commended certificates in that competition, well done then. And finally, a Voluntosubscriber, known only as Lord Horny Spitfalf, claims that on an archaeology course in Crete, he discovered evidence that pacify the mythological queen who famously allegedly forniculated with a bull to produce the minotaur also had a bit of a packiderm thing going on and had carnalatous infragulments with the largest land mammal available. Again pacify became a bepregnate with a hybrid humanimal embryonid, but unlike the minotaur,

it was never ever mentioned in the myths or indeed anywhere else. It was very much the elephant in the womb. I'm done. Back next week. Bye!