The Bugle - Bonus Bugle - England are rubbish

Episode Date: June 29, 2019

Bugle noise news and some classic from Israeli elections, royal weddings and lobsters Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to a sub-episode of The Bugle, but not just any sub-episode, this specific sub-episode. In fact, it's Bugle 4,113 sub-episode A. There's no full bugle this week because of my

life being entirely taken over by being forced against my well by the BBC to go to 31 cricket matches in six weeks. Still, I don't want to make a fuss, so I'm just going along with it. Later on, we will delve into the bugle archives with the episode numbers chosen based on England's 3 dispariting defeats at the cricket world cup so far. As I record tomorrow on Sunday, 30 June, England will be playing India, so they might have pulled it out of the bag by now, or they might have pulled it out of the bag and dumped it straight into canal. We don't know. Also, later on in the show there will be lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers

interspersed throughout the show. Like this one, Diana Patterson once made an origami camera in 2001. The next day, the Polaroid Company folded, she is never done origami ever again. She fears her own power. And this one, Sam Kray, reckons that if the Roman Empire had put a bit more effort in, they could have probably developed the Sega Mega Drive by the year 650 AD, and who knows where we would be now in the world of gaming. But first, here are some more bits from last week's live bugle at the underbelly in London,

with me, Nish Kumar and Alice Fraser, or as she is known to people who hate using the first letters of people's names, Lice Fraser. Now everyone loves noise. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER You all enjoy that? Erm, and some terrific noise news around. LAUGHTER Stagia off me. I really enjoyed that.

I don't know why. I think I enjoyed the performance chops that you displayed there. That's what I'm all about. Erm... Touch me, I'm real. Please don has been scientifically analyzed. I mean, once again, I mean, if scientists have time to analyze screaming and dogs, eyebrows, it does make you think we are doomed as a species. But who in this world does not enjoy a good scream, whether it's letting out all your frustrations about the state of the planet or a bad refereeing decision or a

Lurting or fellow humans are the presence of a ghost or a monster or a lion or a wasp or an asteroid or a taxpeed tax bill or a priest or a priest or a panor Brilliant goal or Nigel Farage or simply opera Which is basically a combination of the above two. But it's, screaming is one of the most elemental tools of human communication. But researchers showed that things that sound like screams are considered by people listening to them to be screams and things that sound less like screams are not.

And this finding could be crucial to our understanding of screams, as a species moving forward in the confusing world. J Swartz of Emory University said, evolutionarily, screams originally functioned to startle attacking predators. Well, I mean, is that a surprise for someone to find that out? a'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r fforddd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd ffordd o'r ffordd o' And they did some research on telling the difference between a whistle and a scream. And 70% of those listening to screamy sounds thought they might be whistles. And it turns out they were all football fans. That's a fact.

Well, I just wonder who these people are, the scientists who, like, who goes home and is like, yes, darling, I study screaming. Are they training to be a team of baddy scientists in horror movies? I've had to recuse myself from this entire conversation because according to various people on the internet and indeed, friends and family, my voice and laughter sounds like one long scream, resulting in me in a flat share in 2009,

receiving a letter via my landlord from our neighbour complaining of a loud hyena-like sound emerging from our flat, which was just me laughing at my friend because I scored against him on FIFA. Interestingly, Screams' size is increasingly popular as a keep fit technique. There are classes ranging from advanced catawalling to shrieking for the over 50s, Yoagahami, the Scream-based Oriental Martial Arts. And there are competitive squak-offs coming up between clubs

in the National Screeching League in America. The Boston Blaire is playing these Louis Squills and the NSL Finals, starting on Monday. And Screaming in Culture has been hugely influential. In 1970s classic book, The Joy of Screaming, which had pencil drawings of people bellowing their lungs out with a reed array of high-pitched squarks. And Edvard Monk, Teddy Chomchomp himself, famously painted

the scream also now known in American galleries as OMG. And no one is exactly sure what the original subject of the scream was for Monk, but they have reason to self the original working title of the painting was, the man who just accidentally smashed a process Ming Vaz with a golf club and then turned to see a £1 golf ball sitting on his mantel piece. Okay, for an op. That's agreed to disagree on that one. I'm still laughing at Teddy Chop Chop.

I didn't really listen to the rest of the... I didn't think you said. Because it took me a second to go, Edward Munch, Munch, Teddy Chomshom. God, that's funny. Thank you, Mr. Chomshom. He seems to have stopped speaking. LAUGHTER Um...

More important signs. Apparently, honeybees let out a whoop when they bump into each other. It's true. Um... Well, I mean, they're calling it a whoop when they bump into each other. It's true. Well, they're calling it a whoop. So they put out a vibrational pulse when they bump into each other. And the scientists have called it the whoop whoop signal presumably,

because that sounds like a fun thing to call something. And they're bee scientists, so they're not sure what fun sounds like. But these bees scream all the time. They whoop when they hit by each other, they waggle dance to convey information and they woop when another bee bumps into them. And these scientists found out that the whoops signal previously thought to be either an inhibition warning

or a request for food actually happens much more commonly than previously thought with the accelerometer picking up around six or seven whoops a minute from just a small area of the honeycomb mostly at night. There is no way, says Ben Tick, one of the scientists, there's no way a bee was trying to inhibit another one that frequently and there's no way a bee would request food that frequently showing he has no idea how often I request food or try and inhibit people at night. There are more articles on this in the Enjoyed the influential B magazine in the bonnet

Some terrific oh Terrific articles in I would have called it staying alive Some articles this week in the magazine could coming out in Hives, do gay bees make the best honey? On a wing in a prayer our beehives actually temple to the be God's stripe or honey makes the world go round Is the fact that bees always flat their wings in a westward clockwise direction responsible for the earth spinning the right way and Beeswax could Soviet trained bumble bees have been responsible for a string of cold war assassinations Could Soviet-trained bumblebees have been responsible for a string of Cold War assassinations? LAUGHTER Um, I think, how are we doing for time, Chris?

Yeah, we've done our our, I mean, everything that people here now is free. That's now a bonus, so anything that works from now on and to you is... That I've wanted to say. I've taken 60 minutes of entertainment. A contract. A contract. I will not even take one, a millisecond more than this.

We could, you've got a few things that I think you probably wanted to hear. Yeah, we should do a Q&A. Yeah. And we're on the favour of it, Richard. Quick audience, Q&A. Can I ask the audience a quick question? We'll do an A&Q. Can I ask the audience a quick question?

Yes, I would do an A&Q. I'd like to cue, I've got to cue that I'd like to wait. It's a lady in the front row been painting us for the entire time. Yes, yes. Okay, cool. So I didn't know about that. Did you know about that?

Oh, right, okay. So I didn't the first time she came to one of my guests, but I did this time. If you don't know it's happening, if you know it's happening, more power to you. I look forward to seeing the painting, but from my position I didn't know it was happening, and it was quite alarming. Well, the thing is, Nish, what has actually been is a courtroom. You have.

I'm afraid you have incriminated yourself wrong, a bad news, a very certain... So many sentences, come on, it, come on! We'll be going even further into the past than a week ago shortly, but first some more lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers. Chris Parsons narrowly missed out on the role of controversial gastronomist Erskine Grammock, the inventor of the now illegal Kitty Copsicle and Ice Deserts, on a stick made of roadkill cat carcass, in the celebrity chef biopic Malvein, spatula of fury. Robert Pemberton does not sing in the shower.

Robert plays the air piano in the shower, and makes piano noises really realistic ones. He even makes the piano start sounding a bit weird as it gets wetter and wetter. And Sarah Roberts would argue that the time has come to accept that we may never know exactly why King Harold played a flat back four against the Normans at the Battle of Hastings, rather than going three at the back and tronics point the width of the battlefield with wingbacks with his brother Lyoth, Win Godwinsoninson and the free-roll playing off the big number 9 up front. Archive's time now, based as I said on England's heroic defeat so far in the Cricket World Cup. Usually, England begin Cricket World Cup, so bad as hotly tipped as little Johnny

Plankton and his one-on-one eat-off against a whale. This time, however, they began the tournament as justifiable favourites, which is never an easy burden to shoulder, so England have skillfully taken the pressure off themselves by losing three games already and still having two of the best teams left to play leaving their hopes and dreams hanging by a gospel thread. The wheels have fallen off, but well, three wheels have fallen off, if you'd count one wheel as each defeat, so there are still some hope that England could unicycle their way to victory. Of course, if they lose to India or in Sunday, which may well, or well not, they have already or have not happened by the time you listen to this,

they'll have to skip to victory on a now wheelless chassis of broken dreams. But to commemorate England's three defeats so far, we'll delve into the Bugle Archives for nuggets from the past linked to each of England's losses. Starting with Bugle 150, 150 being the number of runs, conceded in England's defeat to Pakistan by their two opening bowlers, and you don't need to be a rocket scientist

to know that that is the most runs ever conceded by England opening bowlers in a World Cup cricket match. Here is Bugle 150. The wedding is nearly here. And I know I'm not alone in thinking this because the sheer number of news crews that have been descending all week on London, the 32-time capital of the entire world. But the upcoming Royal Wedding is the only thing that anyone in their right mind should be giving a shit about at the moment. I think most international news organizations

are gonna be sending a very coherent message over the next seven days. And that message is, Yemen, F**k it. Syria, F**k it. Fukishar,

Manucleoplans, F**k it. Royal weddings, F**k yeah! Yeah! Ah! Ah! The scene of, the scene of elaborate media center construction outside Buckingham Palace

is really a site to behold. If aliens were to land on Earth, what to park their ship on the mall leading up to Buckingham Palace and saw the sheer amount of media trucks, camera positions and broadcast satellites built on the side of the road. They would think, well, this must be the most important thing happening on the planet right now. There can clearly be no bad things happening anywhere else at this one time. So focused are these humans on this single event. These must be the two most important people on Earth. And you know what, they'd be right, Andy, because as we've said before, the world is

in such a precarious, troubled place at the moment. It seems that we're all using this event as an emotional anesthetic, just to dull the pain of life on earth. In fact, the most appropriate song for William and Kate to walk down the aisle to after the wedding would be comfortably numb by pink Floyd. And the crowds of people lining the streets shouldn't be shouting and cheering. They should be blissfully muttering to themselves like someone who was just injected with methadone. Congratulations on the wedding.

That felt so good. Oh shit, I think it's already wearing off. felt so good. Oh shit, I think it's already wearing off. But I was a child, I'm on a reason. Well, just to get to the studio and whopping today, John, I had to fight through crowds 30 or 40 deep along the, along the, the rows already queuing up for the wedding in seven days time. And estimated crowds of 1.75 billion royal worshipers were line the streets of London to wave hands, fists and middle fingers at the happy couple and you know it is as you said it's clearly I think you know the greatest most important thing ever probably since maybe since the Big Bang

or more important than the Big Bang. So I don't know. All I know is that in a few million years' time, there'll be a particle accelerator in Switzerland trying to recreate the Royal Wedding. Ha ha ha ha ha. No, I didn't. They won't quite manage it, but you know,

it'll be worth a go. And a lot of people, especially in England, are uncomfortable over the amount of coverage that this story is getting. But I say to them, give into it, shut up and give into it. Royal fever is in the air, Andy. Let's all go out in the cold without wearing a hat and catch it. Haha.

Haha. But moving on to the rest of the world now, Libyan use and the situation in Libya continues to descend into a seemingly irretrievable Slough of chaos as casualties mount and the bloodshed spreads with NATO courts in a seemingly intractable problem of having shut up Andy Shut up Andy that has nothing to do with the wedding Boy wedding news again now Boy, we're working news again now! And Prince Charles has apparently just become a record holder, Andy. Oh, is that record?

Is it the largest number of grapes one man can fit in his mouth? No. Is it a number of grapes, Derek? He broke that 60 years ago, Jim. 183. Is it the number of cartwheels down across the roof of Windsor Castle? Nearly, but not quite. Prince Charles has just become the longest-serving heir apparent in British history. Is it the number of cartwheels done across the roof of Windsor Castle, nearly but not quite? Prince Charles has just become the longest-serving heir apparent in British history.

And that's no mean feat, Andy. That is some achievement. You have to do nothing for a really, really long time. I'll say that I've been waiting for 33 years to become King of England. And I don't know if I'll be able to wait as long as 59 years like he has to become king. I just don't have that kind of patience. I think I'll snap and try and overthrow the crown long before then. It really is a long time to not be doing the only thing that you're

actually supposed to be doing though. He has been riding the bench for nearly six decades. He's beaten the previous record that was held by his great, great grandfather, King Edward VII. I nearly said, King Kong. King Kong II. And I've got a sense that Charles has grown up setting a record that is going to be so huge. It's going to make Edward VII look like a pushy little shit. That's referring to Edward VII. He did spend most of the time he was waiting, banging anything that moved by all of you. So I don't know if I might have enjoyed his waiting time a little bit more.

Amazing to think, that's almost 4,000 bugle episodes ago. More lies now, James Riden is starting to think that Zeus is not all the ancient Greeks cracked him up to be, and if his next sacrifice of 100 head of oxen to the famous deity does not make his orchids grow better next year, he's going to try one of the Aztec deities instead. Anonymous donor, initials CB, reckons zip wise could solve many problems of urban transportation as they don't take up much space and don't require fuel. Also, they would boost the economy by making people really happy when they arrive at work. And Martin McMaster thinks Turkey Twizzlers would taste better if the turkeys have twizzled

a lot whilst alive, voluntarily and humanly of course, rather than merely being twizzled posthumously. He's even prepared to run evening twizzling classes for both humans and turkeys. Back to the Cricket Momento bits from the Bugle Archives now. England's poultry victory target against Sri Lanka was a mere 233, which even non-cricket fans would acknowledge is not very big. If you told them that in a convincing manner and explained why, which is what I'm doing now, England dismaly failed to achieve this target after batting with all the calm assurance

of two actors in the pansewam horse outfit who decided to celebrate the end of their theatre and by going to a French restaurant before realising they've forgotten to take their costume off. But one 233 that did happen was bugle issue 233, including these bits. This week, the first instalment of Celebrity's Secrets of Success. Number 1. Franklin Roosevelt's bucket of lobsters Roosevelt was renowned as one of America's greatest president He put much of that success down to his bucket of lobsters Roosevelt took the receptural crustaceans within wherever he went and they became a valuable source of both companionship and advice

Ironically as a young man he used to eat loads of lobsters But he had an epiphany during a big out of his favourite lobster bar, snappy lionels, crustacea, cardinocardiniserie. In 1913, when he thought he heard the lobsters communicating with him in Morse code, don't eat us, they seem to clack with their claws, we can help you. He borrowed the restaurants one remaining bucket, and thereafter, everywhere Roosevelt went, the lobsters went too, and they click a de-clacking, help shape modern America as we know it. With the day 24 hour media of course, he couldn't have got away with it, people would have been saying, why should I vote for a guy he goes everywhere with a bucket of f***ing lobsters?

No way would he have been president today, people might have been prepared to vote in a black man, a lunatic, a philandra, a lunatic's dad, and a film star, but there's no way they'd vote in a guy with a bucket of lobsters, but it was the early 20th century, and the lobsters were there to stay. That's why he delivered his messages to the nation by a crackling fire, so people couldn't hear the clacking of lobster clauses they fed him wise, soothing words to relate to a troubled nation. The lobsters became increasingly influential in formulating his policies, but it came at

a moral price. The famously prodiged Eleanor Roosevelt banned them from having carnal relations with each other in the bucket, as she found the sound of lobster's humping, distressing, and distracting from her prime hobby of plating bread. The lobsters reluctantly consented, until one day their pent-up lobstopsaron boiled over. Roosevelt didn't want them breeding, in case the Russians got a hold of one of their offspring, so he said, alright, I'll show you a boy's night in with a stripper. Any other aquatic creature apart from lobsters, thebsters, as one, clacked, New Deal, New Deal. And Roosevelt's plan to rescue America from the depression was born, thanks to a bucket of perverted, Randy Lobsters. And the reason Stalin always looks

so awesome, those photos of him with Roosevelt and Churchill at the outer. Well, you try looking relaxed for the camera when you've got a lobster clamp to your Soviet nut sack. All that in the bin this week. And the go to sleep. Top story this week, baby god hack. Over the last week or so, there have been a series of high-profile computer hackings with responsibility claimed by the Syrian Electronic Army, which correct me from wrong, Andy, is exactly the same name as that synth pop band that you were in in the mid-1980s. That's right, John, yeah. If I remember rightly, you wore a fluorescent yellow headband and played the keytar in a pair

of tight-blues dough-was jeans that had the Syrian flag sewn onto the arse. I'm pretty sure I'm not making that up. No, you're certainly not on the photos right there somewhere. Yeah, right somewhere. So the Syrian Electronic Army is a group which is said to have the tacit support of Bashar Al Assad, although that could not be independently confirmed, mainly because Syria is still a total f***ing mess at the moment. I mean, an unremitting shit show. I'm talking about a f**k taster of the highest water.

And last week, the SEA managed to hack into the Twitter account of the Associated Press and posted a message that two bombs had exploded at the White House injuring Barack Obama. Then, all they had to do was just sit back and watch all the hell break loose. The market's immediately, albeit momentarily, collapsed, temporarily wiping more than 90 billion pounds from the US stock market. In the space of just three minutes, Andy,

after the hack-tweet was posted, the benchmark S&P 500 index, which most people have heard of and almost no one understands. Phil, nearly 1% briefly wiping out $136.5 billion of its value. I think the fact that all of that happened over a single tweet, and they should give us all a deep and lasting confidence in our financial system. It's somehow reassuring to know that the global financial system can be brought to its knees in less than 140 characters. It's progress in a way. It's just the same kind of progress that Thelma and Louise made as they drove faster and faster towards the edge of a cliff.

Well then of course it bounced back John, but was this due to people realising that the tweets was a fake or was it simply the prospect of alluming catastrophe? Because three minutes, John, as we've discovered, this podcast is about the market standard minimum decency period after a tragedy of some kind, before they think, well, there's no point crying over spilled blood. There's money to be made, it's what the dead would have wanted. And once again, it does raise the alarming realization that the entire global economic system is not vulnerable to much of the threats of terrorism or natural disasters,

mother of own involuntary terrorism, if you will. The entire global economic system is vulnerable to a well-placed piece of bullshit, which raises the question, how the f*** up I'm not a billionaire, John? What the f*** am I doing wrong? I should be working this guy. That's a fair point. That's a fair, you That's a fair point.

You are uncut bullshit Andy. Well I guess the other thing is still. I guess the thing is the bullshit has to be believable. Your right fella says not about the money, it's about the art. Point taken it's also about the honey. And it's also about avoiding any sense of responsibility, reality or genuine adulthood. I stand corrected colours. Have some bacon.

A lobster's don't eat bacon, honey. A security expert. It makes them kosher, John. It counts. If you... Well, after losing to Pakistan and Sri Lanka, England knew that it would be really useful to beat Australia. Instead, they lost to Australia, which was not a good tactic if you asked me. So here's a bit from Bugle 64, 64 runs being the margin of defeat England suffered

that day or the margin of inverted victory to give it some more positive trendy modern term. Promise land news now and Andy, you in particular, shouldn't have had to read or watch the news The The The The The The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The this week which came to a satisfactory non-conclusion with both Netanyahu and Livney claiming victory. Perfect, that is just what that region needs, more arguing. That whole area bottles things up way too much. Won't somebody just say what they really think?

And it's starting to look though that Israeli bottles systems just like a squabble. Any squabble, and this one I guess, this election squabble is rendered slightly more different than the recent squabble in Gaza because God didn't make the squabble result clear several thousand years ago. So I guess that just muddies the waters slightly. Complex, God should have made another promise. The governing Kadimah party in right wing, the Kudh party on Neck and Neck in the proportional representation system, leaving the balance of power in the clenched angry hands of some of Israel's more right wingwing and perhaps piece of us political practitioners such as Avid Gour Lieberman of the Nationalist, Israeli-Betainu party who are what might

be described as Arab skeptic. What does this result, herald for the peace process, John? Well, I think we can be pretty sure that whoever ends up in government will probably resolve any lingering niggles, residing from the recent Gaza shamosel and other outbreaks of armed pickering that have poxed the reason over the last place six thousand years. Shamosel. That's the official UN definition of it. It wasn't the war, it wasn't the incident, it wasn't shamosel. Yeah, that's right. Don't blame me, blame the UN. There's peristicoia

brought in these definitions. So they're all going to live happily ever after, John, that's my prediction, what do you think? Yeah, why not? Yeah, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll come in on that. Yeah, I'll, I'll put two bucks down on that. Yeah, but after I'm quite a peace fan, just so, um, I think peace is ace. Uh, I love it. I can't really stand war, mate, uh, it's not interested. I'd rather kick back in a hammock for an afternoon reading the 1950s sports magazines I've just bought an ebay, then waste the in gating a savage gunfight in a shattered urban landscape of devastation and sorrow. Any say that Andy, don't knock it till you try it. That's just so much more relaxing John. You know, peace is like a nice long relaxing day at a health spot without getting shot at by a helicopter.

If peace was a cake, I'd eat it. Yeah, but if war was a cake, you'd eat that too. You'd just like cake. Simply lived the narrowly one victory, but may lose out any way to netting Yahoo, who may argue that he's in a better position to create a coalition government. Mr netting Yahoo said that with God's help, he would lead the next government. You know what? Why doesn't God just sit this one out, Andy? I think he's helped that region out quite enough, what with his constant promises. One thing is clear, and that is that the Kingmaker will now be third

party, Israel, Botanolidah, Avidor, Lieberman, and you couldn't hope for a nicer Kingmaker, if that is your only two choices where he more Stalin. Because amongst other inclusive policies he is for loyalty oaths and the execution or expulsion of Arab Israelis. Well, I can't see any reason why he shouldn't have a very positive effect on Israel's prime ministerial selection. If, again, he's willing not to vocalize any of the thought or opinions inside his head. One possible suggestion, at the moment, is that each person gets to be prime minister for two years rotating midway through the four year term. This isn't the cake that kids need to share. Is this kind of political attempt at the wisdom of Solomon? Well, you can each have half of it. Oh well I don't want it then. Valentine's Day news and the British Library has published a love letter from Henry VIII

to Ann Bolin who later became his second wife and in this letter, John, he pulled out all our stops to get into Foxy Ann's corsetry. This is some of the things that he wrote in it. The demonstrations, your affection are such that they really oblige me to honour, love and serve you forever. For my point, I will outdo you if it's possible, rather than reciprocate, and the loyalty of my heart and my desire to please you. I assure you that henceforth, my heart will be dedicated to you alone, and wishing

greatly that my body was so too. He then... He's handwriting. He's been drew a little heart with her initials in, John. But of course, what he didn't say in that letter was, but if you so much as look at another man, or fail to provide me with a son and heir, I will not be a f**k bons off. Do you get me, Anne? With an axe? I don't care how peachy your bloopers are. I'm the f**king. See that neck of yours? Do you want to keep it in one piece? Or would you be ready to be waxed in half and

splurting blood all over the front three rows of the crowd at your execution? Whoosh! I want a one-chop shop. Whoosh! Where are you heading off to? Whoosh! Oh look! Your scarf doesn't fit so well anymore, does it? WHOOSH! Executie! Oh yeah, she was pretty fit. WHOOSH! What's my favourite type of oriental news will soup? ALAXA! WHOOSH! ALAXA! Never mind. What do you mean there's no next time? This is no next time? WHOOSH! Does that work logically? Near enough. WHOOSH! One portion of ambulance, please mate. Certainly sir. Salt, yes. Vinegar, yeah. Head. No thanks! One portion of ambulance, please mate. Certainly sir. Salt, yes, vinegar, yeah, head, no thanks. Wush!

Lots of love, Henry. PS, I love you so much, I'll split the Christian church in two. I'm not just saying that. I'll do it. That man had a way with words. They sure did. Oh, your jets, Henry. You had me at next, ever. Well, there you go, that's all from this week's Bueville sub-episode.

Two finalise about our voluntary subscribers to keep you going. Nick Beresford would like to see a foot race between Bob Dylan, Merrill Streep, former well-snooker champion Steve the Nuggett Davis and Hip Hop Bottomus, although he is not entirely sure exactly what it would prove. And anonymous donor, initials EZ, thinks the Tour de France would be a much better event if the cyclists would just let loose in Paris and had to return to the French capital three weeks later with as many different regional cheeses as possible. The winner being judged by the number of cheeses multiplied by a coefficient based on tastiness. No cheating. And that's it. Don't forget to buy

up all the tickets to my Edinburgh festival show at the stand and the live bugles there and political animal later at night nights at the stand as well. And also all the shows of all the bugle co-hosts who will be entertaining the matters in Scotland in August. To join the voluntary subscription scheme and give whatever you want on a one-off or recurring donation, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Until next time, good bye. you