The Bugle - Bonus Bugle – Frankenbugle

Episode Date: August 10, 2018

A cut and paste collection of Bugle sections from previous shows with absolutely no editorial decisions. Turns out it unearths the best listener email of all time, Chris's first Bugle and how Buglers treated John in Milwaukee.With@HelloBuglers@IAmJohnOliver@ProducerChris@Aliterative@harikondaboluPlease help keep this nonsense going and donate: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to the third and final part of the Buggles Summer Break.

This is Buggles 4,076 sub-episode C for Carrot. This week we're going to do something a little bit different with our archives. We're going to create a Frankenstein's Buggle. We're going to take a bit of Buggle from several different Buggles to create a kind of monstrous Bugglele mashup. So we're going to start with the introduction from one bugle, then we'll have Anniversary from another sections in the bin, from another one, then top story, other news, maybe a feature section and some sport, all from different Bugal's to create.

The perfect monstrous bugle cocktail to keep you going until we return. With the bugle live from Edinburgh next week, it'll be recorded on the 15th of August at the Newtown Theatre. There's also a show on the 22nd. Plus, my solo show at the stand from the 15th for the 26th. And many other Bugle co-hosts are doing their shows through the Edinburgh Fringe, so do go and support all of those. Let's begin this week's Frankenstein Bugle with the introduction from 124th of August,

the 23rd of August 2010 with me and his old woman here in the renowned Scottish city of Edinburgh, the city where angels fear to tread, albeit only during August for fear of being mistaken for a student theatre group doing a new hip-hop musical about the conception of Christ entitled God Pimping. And a little way away is the crow flies, but probably reach playing one go. If you blasted yourself up the Royal Mile in a space rocket and ricocheted off Edmund Recastle into a low orbit, in New York, it's the multiple Grammy award-winning country music legend, Willie Nelson. I'm getting my podcast mixed up, so I thought this was financial and bedroom tips with Willie Nelson. Sorry, it's isn't it anyway it's John Oliver hello Andy hello bugles

financial and bedroom tips Andy yeah well he's you know he likes the multi task that isn't that's just two job skills that should never be merged but you'd listen to it you would listen to that that is a good to that. I'm not denying that. That is a good point. That's a good point. And I was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin for the last couple of days. Shooting something for the show. And about 20 minutes after getting into my hotel room the first night, there was a knock on the door, and a hotel employee was standing here with a bottle of champagne and an ice bucket with strawberries inside the glasses

and a card that simply read, the Milwaukee division of the Bugle Army has your back. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Flutting in Pakistan, pies across Russia, serious threat of a double dip recession. It truly restores your faith in humanity, that people are doing something that juvenile for one another. Thank you very much, Buglers, whoever you are. Unless, of course, unless it was actually Colonel Cadet, who was currently heading over the Milwaukee division of the Bugle Army. Next up, it's the anniversary'saries bits from Bugle 4,050 today. As of course, all God-fearing subjects of the universe know is the feast day of ladies and gentlemen! Correct, it isn't you of Lincoln. I'm slightly surprised you knew

that. Who died on this day in the year? I knew this wasn't going to work. What? Who died on this day in the year? 1220. 1220. Yeah, you're very, very good. And of course, he was the patron saint of... He was the patron saint. No, no, he wasn't. The patron saint of beatboxing, try again. He was the painter in saying, oh, sex dungeons. Sex dungeons. Not, I don't think that's one is official list one more go, the painter in saying, oh, swans. Swans, correct, yes, it was the painter in saying

of swans, let's have a look at him, Chris, here he is, there we see Hugh. That is St. Hugh with a cheeky little swan down there. For our viewers watching only with their ears at home, this is, he's got a swan. He's got the regulation saintly Fritzby, stuck to his head there, the saint golden Fritzby, that all saints have. That's how you can tell a saint, or a child with an aggressive sibling. And, and he's holding, as you can tell us, Saint, or a child with an aggressive sibling. And he's

holding, as you can see here, St. Hugh is holding, what can only be described as a cup full of Jesus? That is a golden goblet with the infant Christ in. What I want to know is, is St. Hugh using Jesus as a fucking cocktail stick? And if so, what the fuck does that tone is cocktail into? I guess merch is merch. And to mark this historic day, the feast day of St. Hugh of Lincoln, we have a special Swans quiz. You have to tell me, ladies and gentlemen,

which of the following facts about swans is the least false? Is it fact one, bagpipes were invented when a Scottish monk in the year 783 AD was caught lustfully French kissing a swan and then hastily pretended he was doing music practice by squeezing the swan until it cried. Is it fact two? The queen is constitutionally allowed

to use a pair of swans as magic shoes to walk across a lake. Is it fact three? The average length of a swan's neck is three centimeters. What we think of as their necks are, in in fact periscopes with a fake head on. Or is it fact four, St Hugh of Lincoln employed an aggressively violent God swan as his bodyguard? The swan would honk at anyone who came near Hugh of Lincoln Lincoln using phrases such as Chris. You've got the translations here, that meant f*** you, buddy.

Also this. That means clear off you obvious shithead and, uh, swan phrase three. Oi, you non swan schmuck, hands off my huey, or I'll bequeo in the balls, Kapiche. If you so much as look at him, you short neck bastard, I will personally feather honk you into the middle of next week. This is Hugher-fucking-link, and we're talking about... You f***ed.

Um... You f**ked! LAUGHTER Come. LAUGHTER Yeah, a bit of sophisticated swan satire there for you ladies and gentlemen. Well, where would a Frankenstein's Bugle be without some section in the bin? This week, the section in the bin comes from Bugle Episode. 154. This week, with the experts predicting that world will end or will have ended on Saturday 21 May, that's tomorrow as we record, or yesterday if you're listening to this whilst floating through space.

Cleaning onto a bit of what might once have been a bit of Albania, wondering what the f**k just happened to your planet. We present the exclusive Bugle end of the world supplement, including how to explain Looming Armageddon to A, a baby, B, an optim an optimist see an old person who might be a little confused and Tell you that it already happened in 1960 with a lady chatty trial or D a Belgian I guess the easiest thing to say and that's how Comfortance is just like no more waffles Also, we tell you if you've lived a disillusioned or a moral life, we advise you had a brazen out on judgment date.

Be courteous and complimentary to your interviewer. Dress smartly but not overly formal. And do not overuse the phrases we all make mistakes. I'm my own biggest critic. Or don't judge me. And do not say, what about you, big dog? You're not exactly capped in perfect yourself, are you, Mr. I can't build a planet without it being vulnerable to natural disasters and an ending suffering? And also, we explain to the world, what will happen to the Olympic ticket allocation process?

What will it do for share prices? When and how for the derivative market? Will Bin Laden still be dead? Does this mean Colonel Gaddafi gets away scot free? And would this have happened if Sarah Palyne had kept her mouth shut? All in the bin. Top story this week is Top Story from Bugle 108. So welcome Chris. Hello. Introduce yourself to the Bugleers. Hi, Bugleers. I'm Chris. There you go.

What a surprise. Lovely place and friendly. Didn't have that kind of a downbeat. Oh, the world is crushing me, spirit of time. This is the Eagle 2.0. Let's give it three Bugles and we will lower the pitch of that voice by least good octave. Africa Special and the Africa struggles to make it onto TV news in the West which

is particularly unlucky when you consider just how many newsworthy things they do that they just can't catch and break from the schedulers who don't seem to quite give enough of a shit about what goes on over there to give it the airtime it deserves. What more do they need to do? Famines, mass genocide, coups, even pirates? Nothing seems to be able to hold the Western media's attention. So this is a bugle update on what is going on in the second largest continent on earth. Well it seems to me on in the second largest continent on earth? Well, it seems to me that it is the second largest continent on earth. John, I actually typed the words Africa, continent of dot dot dot into an internet search engine.

And it's a continent of many things, John. It's a continent of change. That's one of the first things up in the search result, a continent of opportunities, a continent of contrasts, then a continent of the future, a continent of dualities, which is a continent of contrasts, then a continent of the future, a continent of dualities, which is a bit like contrasts, a continent of economic opportunity. Now there we're laying our cards on the table about exactly what kind of opportunities those opportunities I mentioned earlier were, a continent of origins, okay we get it, we're

sorry, a continent of hope, that's just a nicer way of saying economic opportunity, a continent of light, that's not really market out for many other continents to be fair. A continent of my dreams. How do they know? A bit presumptuous. A continent of hope and opportunity. You wear that if whack two of them together. That's efficiency.

A continent of a farmer's origin. Well, where's that going, John? It could be good. It could be he's not eligible to be president, you know. He's not. He's not. Anyway, it's already the continent of origin, so they're just falling into celebrity culture, all the other continents now.

As the continent of 2000 languages, that puts me off, it sounds over complicated. Continent of potential. That's a bit like the future, a bit like opportunities, a bit like hope. Three for one, I like it. Continent of adventure, that really was Africa's problem throughout the Imperial Age. And also, it's interesting that no one has gone with Africa's problem throughout the Imperial Age. And also it's interesting that no one has gone with Africa continent of the ravages of imperialist irresponsibility

and religiously exacerbated HIV epidemics which you know it seems to be fairly near the top of the list. Also Africa continent of half of and exaltsman's recent family origins. That's not there either. So. Or Africa the continent that puts the K into chaos. So first stop on our new safari, Nigeria, where the acting president there, President Goodluck Jonathan, has dissolved the entire country's cabinet. And first, you're right to get you, Andy. Let's just deal with what is a sensational name for any president. But it's even better for a Nigerian one. Good luck Jonathan, not so much in name as a piece of good wishery. This president, good luck Jonathan, isn't he followed by President Hanging their McGee who will tell me succeeded by President, give me your best shot Stevenson. So that's my little arm, what's going on there? It does sound a

bit like what a departing British governor might have said as he handed over the newly independent Nigeria in 1960. Good luck, Jonathan, you'll need it. And he's been in charge since President Umara Yara Dua was hospitalized in Saudi Arabia last November and he hasn't been seen in public since and also another good name, Yara Doer, sounds a bit like what Sir South African President Jacob Zuma says whenever he sees any woman. Yaa, I do erm. Concentrate on your job Jacob, concentrate on your job. Let's also remember that Nigeria has a long and proud history of acting presidents, specifically people acting like presidents, while focusing most of their time on their main job of being international raccotiers.

But, good luck, Johnson, as you say, was only pointed to acting president on February 9th, and his powers were supposed to allow him to sign legislation, chair cabinet meetings, reshuffle ministers and release oil funds. And he has certainly reshuffled those ministers, I mean. He briefly shuffled their cars before throwing the entire deck out the window saying, get the f*** out of here. And the information minister in Nigeria was quoted as saying today, the acting president of the federal public of Nigeria, good luck Jonathan, he didn't laugh out. Still, I don't know, I cannot understand why that is in the case.

Dissolved the Federal Executive Council. He did not give us any reason, and so I cannot give any reason. Well, that's pretty impressive move from someone in office, the only slightly longer than a month. He was only supposed to keep the chair warm, not set fire to it, and commissioned a new bejeweled throne for himself instead.

But you have to look at this from his point of view, Andy. The taste of power is very morish. He's like heroin. You try it. Maybe it turns out you like it and suddenly you'll break any law to have some more of it. You think you're happy just as vice president of the largest nation in Africa. Next thing you know, you're stealing copper piping from people's houses to sell and giving out hand jobs for smack. It happens that quickly Andy, I have seen the wire. Sounds like chapter two of your autobiography John. Yeah and also this information came from Dora Akun Yeely who's the information minister and if the information minister cannot give any reason why the cabinet's been reshuffled, no one can.

Good luck Jonathan had been seen as something of a low profile administrator, sort of a safe pair of hands to keep things ticking over gently until the president was fit again, not as someone who would completely dissolve the country's entire cabinet, but things John are never simple in oil rich poverty, strict, and Nigeria. And how come most two words go together?

Well, as usual, little Colin Corruption has come out to fly. Corruption described by human rights fly. Corruption is described by human rights watch as being in Nigeria rampant and endemic. And part of the reason for this is that there was a drive to try and reduce it at least on the head of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, Nuhu Rubado. He claimed that in 2006 since independence, $380 billion had been stolen or wasted by an engineering government. Wow. He identified 31 sitting governors in Nigeria as being corrupt, and bear in mind that there were only 36 sitting governors in Nigeria at the time. Holy shit.

But the problem was they were immune from prosecution at the time. And then he even had his boss convicted of corruption. And his boss was ordered to return, I'll give you a little multiple choice question because on this, how much dodgy money did his boss, the Inspector General of Police in Nigeria have to pay back, John? Was it a $50,000? Surely, can't have been any more than that?

Was it a $500,000? This guy seriously had his fingers in some pies. Or see, $120,000 this guy seriously had his fingers in some pies or see 120 million dollars and he can only have been $50,000 that's the only realistic option there. Well, John, I know we love to bullshit on the show, but And you might think no one's gonna filter that amount, but it was see it was $120 million at the Inspector General of Police had to pay back. And this was far from isolated. He re-barded also helped undercover the involvement of the American construction company and until recently Halliburton subsidiary KBR, who had been involved in a number of questionable

activities with a multi-million dollar bribery scandal in his country, which the company was fined $400 million and it's for much executive jailed for seven years. Now, America must be pretty embarrassed, John, at this company's proven corruption overseas, not to mention various other allegations, including covering up sexual assaults and rape of female employees, involvement in people trafficking allegedly, alleged tax avoidance, corruption, bloody bias, and at everyday glitches any business inevitably runs into. Is America embarrassed? Not really, It's the biggest US government contractor in Iraq. Besides, on its website, KBR states that its core values,

quotes, which drive everything we do, include quotes, integrity in all we do. Now, you simply have to admire the scope of this company's moral ambition. The challenge of having integrity in normal above-board business dealings wasn't enough. Anyone can do that, but it takes a special kind of company to have integrity whilst bribing government officials. And if you can pull that off, you can be integrity anywhere. I say, good luck to the ***. Yes.

So I'm drifting off topic. We're not talking about corruption that stretches to the high stationlands of American politics. This is about dodgy Africa. My mistake. That's right. So, so what happens now? Well, President Goodluck will apparently draw up a short list for a cabinet, which will be screened and approved by the Senate, although some disaffected former ministers may well mount court challenges to the constitutional legality of his assumption of executive powers, and therefore his authority to sack them. And the, I just worry that The new news now from Bugle, in Australia news now, a rollout of a national disability insurance scheme has been plagued by issues and may need to be plugged by migrants. The commission said it might not be possible in the short term to train

enough allied health professions. Look, as an Australian, I'm outraged at the slow implementation of the scheme, which is a major reform of disability services designed to provide the right support according to each person's needs and goals in a holistic way across their whole life. The government is bullshit and lame and failing us as Australians. On the other hand, as an Australian who was recently in the US, I find it incredibly difficult to complain about a slight inefficiency in a massive rollout of $22 billion a year of comprehensive government services to an underprivileged group. I mean, of course, yes, it's very annoying.

It's a failure of our piss-week, arrogant government, but also I saw people in America whose kidney dialysis was about to run out. Do you know what happens when your kidney dialysis runs out Andy? I don't, I'm Australian. It makes me feel like... It makes me feel like Paris Hilton complaining that my coffee's three degrees to warm. By another coffee, Paris, I think it's going to work out fine. It's been the will, bugle issue. 174. Your emails now, this one comes in from Heather A. Lawson,

who writes on the subject, Bedonka Donk offers insight into the bugle of mind, which is a headline I think that would grasp anyone's attention. Dear, let me pre-up this, Andy, by saying, I think this is the greatest email that's ever been sent or received. Yeah. Dear Andy John and Chris, this and the by-sale I think this is the greatest email that's ever been sent or received.

Dear Andy John and Chris, in order of the person most likely to buy a ninja folding grappling hook with black finish and rope, something which is available ladies and gentlemen on Amazon for $21.89. I was recently enjoying a visit to the spiritual home of the Badonka Donk and delighting once again in the customer reviews of the official vehicle of the Bugle. What happened to glance at the section just above the customer reviews where Amazon very healthfully reveals to you what customers who viewed this item also viewed. Considering that bugle must be the most frequent pilgrims to the Bedonka Donk spiritual online home. It has to be us. It has to be only us.

These items should tell me much more about those most mysterious and secretive creatures, the bugler. The items on the customers who viewed this item also viewed list in the order listed by Amazon's algorithm are the Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve T-shirt. And that is a magnificent t-shirt, Andy, which I believe is available for $11.95. So that's three wolves howling at the moon. I've got one.

Well, that's very much how I see me, you and Chris. So what was the natural next step, Andy B, you've looked at a Bedokka dog, a kind of portable arms weapon, you've looked at a t-shirt with three wolves having an immune. How about Tuscan whole milk, one gallon? Yeah, I think, I mean, that's obviously what you want. You've got three, you've got a t-shirt with three wolves on.

You're going to start thinking, what are wolves like to drink? A gallon of milk. So, you know, if you're going to be driving a tank and pretending to be a wolf, you're going to need a lot of milk. Uh-huh. So, yeah, I think, you know, a whole gallon, a whole 128 fluid ounces of Tuscan whole milk. Was you wanna want,

you wanna want whole milk from any other region of Italy? Oh, so you wanna, you wanna want pulean whole milk, or whole milk from the, from the Latio region. You finish a task and I don't think that is the right type of task. But you finish looking at those things and obviously you worked up so you need to calm down. So the next thing you would probably look at in this list is the relaxed man relaxation capsule which comes in at a just shy of $40,000 on Amazon.

It's a... Why would you miss one out, John? What did I? You miss one? You missed a fresh old rabbit. Oh, a fresh old rabbit. Sorry, that makes sense. There was a logical jump there.

Yeah. Because I couldn't understand how you get from milk to relaxation capsule without eating a rabbit in between. That's right. And then straight after that, you want to go to the wheel-mate laptop steering wheel desk. I don't know what that is, Andy, but it seems to be something for your laptop which fits to your steering wheel so you can check your emails while driving. Now the problem is, Andy, well, you can aware whilst you're doing that, well, you'll be wearing Zubaz pants, Andy. whilst you're doing that, well you'll be wearing Zubaz pants and you what mate? Zubaz pants, they are for a mere 34.95 you can look like a zebra and sexual relations with MC Hammer.

Didn't Zubaz pants play third base for the Baltimore bastards back in the 1970s? If he didn't he should. Now and you've been on a huge shopping spree. Yeah, of course. It's not all fun. What you'll definitely want after that, naturally, is the 3B scientific W43014 testicle self-exam form. And that comes with, I believe, some squeegee testicles, so you can know what you're looking for. Well, this is the thing with Bugleist, John. They're very health-aware these days. Yeah. I mean, that's also, that got 4.4 out of 5 from the user ratings. So I think you know if there's one thing that the bugle has stood for it is testicular self examination. I think that's been true with emails over the years.

Oh God I don't know just what you'd naturally go to next Andy. Well I don't know John I mean I guess what you'd want once you've, once you've examined your own testicles and, uh, Yeah, you know, gone in your relaxation capsule and eat your rabbit and drunk a gallon of milk and, uh, Want a wolf t-shirt? What it probably gonna think is well, you know, the wolf t-shirt isn't really working I'm gonna need some wolf urine Not just some wolf urine Andy, 32 fluid ounces of Wolf urine. For just $31.95. Wolf urine Andy, Wolf urine.

I don't want that, I need it. Wolf urine, he was a point guard for the nantucket ninnies, wasn't he? Oh my god. After that there's the... What do you do with Wolf urine? Is this what I tell you what? I tell you what? I use a health product or a...

I don't know what you do with it Andy, but I tell you what you use it with. And that's the next size in the D-N-On-AK-DL-1 dedicated. And then once you've linked up your cable to your wolf piss, you're gonna think, you're gonna think, what do I need now? Well, I've got to earn some money somehow,

and I want to go into business. And the business I want to go into is selling wood toilet seats in China. So you're going to want to buy the 2009 to 2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China PDF download It's it's that's going to cost you a cool $495. Yeah, Andy And yes, it's an essay on wood toilet seats in China. It's hard to explain. The best way to explain it is to just go to the first comment, which gave this item

five stars and says, this is weird. This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood toilet seats in Great China the other day. Now today, here I am surfing Amazon and wouldn't you know it. The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilets is in greater China. I'm so happy the price seems reasonable.

I'm thinking anniversary present. God, it's things like this Andy. It's even like this that make me so proud to be a human being that we've evolved to this level of childishness and this is what we're doing with our time on earth. Well done everyone involved in this. Everything's gonna be okay. So anyway, so Heather concludes the email.

Oh, apparently most buglers are interested in doing the following. Wearing wolf t-shirts and or photoshopping them onto a bomber. Drinking a whole milk and a estimating how many gallon jugs of milk they need to line up to people off. the following, wearing wolf t-shirts and or photoshopping them onto a bomber, drinking a whole milk and or estimating how many gallon jugs of milk they would need to line up to people the height of the lens, Colonel Gessie, beating a whole rabbit, relaxing and or pretending to be on a mission to Mars, writing to the bugle, whilst driving, wearing 80s fashion disasters, practicing their testicular exam technique, and all gathering material for more realistic giant wangs, urine wolves, and or impressing the ladies. Well, I mean, it has got a kind of musky animal attraction, hasn't it?

I'm guessing if your garden stinks of wolf piss, then you're not going to have a fox problem. True. That's true. That's a fact. Practical. Our old producer, Tom, he used to wear an aftershave made of wolf piss. Yeah, that's why he had to emigrate. Because the Australians love it.

Luring wolves and are impressing the ladies, oh yeah, writes Heather a lady. Watching DVDs without fear of vibrations interrupting the signal and last but not least speculating in the wood toilet seat market of greater China. If you go further down the list, you will find that viewers are also so interested in liquefying ass, yodeling pickles and or yodeling with yodeling pickles and eating unicorn meat. I could only say that I find myself in very good company indeed, for regards to your mamas etc etc. Ever. Congratulations, Heather.

It's taken 174 Bugles, not to create a community, but to start a cult. Thank you, Heather. Thank you. Thank you. Sport now, and this is what was happening in sports in Bugle Issues. 4,038. We now give you a quick Bugle rundown of implausible excuses for failing drug tests.

The Thai Romanian wrestling star, that had gone really a skew, tested positive for the band steroids, a macket and like an animal, and now his muskandal, drugs which, of course, can lead to an increase in both sexual urges and homesickness. Really a skew, he claimed that he'd fallen overboard during a pedlo boat ride on a local lake and swallowed a mouthful of contaminated tadpoles.

Tadpoles, of course, long suspected of a legal drug use. The way their bodies so obviously changed, that has to be suspicious. In horse racing, Elgar Luch, who of course rode three consecutive winners of the King Rollo and Queen Latifah Memorial Stakes at the Wessexshire horse-adroming of the late 1990s, he tested positive for the agricultural growth hormone vegetable acetaladone after starring in a pantomime production of Jack in the Beanstalk, ironically,

as the very small back half of a pantomime horse, and eating one of the magic beans on set, unaware that it was, in fact, a pantomime verite production, and that Beanstalk really was growing that fast. The now 12 foot 7 inch jockey was given a suspended 12 month ban by the International Quadrupede Racing Association and special dispensation to ride elephants instead of horses until he'd shrunk back to his normal size. The Turkish shot put a Wappelmaz Popeye Bazzalam Azoglu claimed his in-competition spinach can Competition Spinach canter being spiked with a steroid I can't even read my own bullshit words That's it remember I said before the show started hurry Oh, yeah, I in my head I was I was remembering the tape in while he was talking He claimed his in competition Spinach canter being spiked with a steroid

I don't want to die alone the side effects of which include a full of grung old and solitude And Canadian sprinter duck schnaps tested positive of being a spider steroid I don't want to die alone, the side effects of which include a full of growing old insolitude. And Canadian sprinter, duck schnauts, tested positive of being a spider. His tests came back an unusual 50% arachnid, which he put down to swallowing a cobweb after having a snack was cleaning out an abandoned kitchen cupboard in his late great uncle hanks house. Hanks himself famously no stranger to sporting controversy after being de-cued from the 1950 to Olympic 100 meter freestyle swimming after using a homemade jet ski before storming

the podium shouting freestyle means f***ing freestyle. Top sporting family the Stupzes, so Auntie Mildred herself of course banned from competitive scrabble after being found to have a 12-volume dictionary hidden in her brazier. And famously, American javelin star, for shirt, laundry after failing a test for testosterone, claiming recently returned from being kidnapped by trying, time traveling aliens, taken back in time to the year 2500BC, and being forced to eat a plate of Stegosaurus testicles as part of a religious ritual. A creationist judge rejected the world anti-doping agency's contention

that Stegosaurus has died out by 2500 BC. But Clondry was still banned after further test reveal that his blood was that of a rhinoceros, something he claimed was the result of spending time on a crowded arc. Amazing what people will do for glory. Well there you go, you can just imagine an unscripted and slightly formless outro, and there you have the perfect Frankenstein's Bugle. Thank you very much for listening, we'll be back next week with the Bugle Live show

from Edinburgh featuring Alice Fraser and Alex Edelman. If you've enjoyed the show, tell everyone you know about it, you can also support the show by clicking the donate button on the Bugle website. Until next time, goodbye.