The Bugle - Bonus Bugle: Gargling with Nish and Josh

Episode Date: July 30, 2021

Mabel Skinner introduces The Gargle. Subscribe hereWe are funded entirely by you, the listener. Listeners who sign up via thebuglepodcast.com have long enjoyed the opportunity to get: mentions on the show (in the form of lies), merchandise and general sense of wellbeing for supporting this fine work of art. As of this week you can also support the show directly via Apple Podcasts. Our new channel ‘Team Bugle’ also includes The Last Post, The Gargle and Tiny Revolutions, shows which currently carry ads - but they will be completely ad free on this channel. So if you love The Bugle, and it’s siblings, then please support The Bugle via our website or Apple Podcasts where you can subscribe today.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW). Listen to The Gargle here: https://pod.link/GargleFollow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserNish KumarJosh GondelmanAnd produced by Mabel Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugles. This is producer Chris Astral to Mabel.

I am great. You are all okay. Maybe 6 out of 10. And he's gone on holiday. Daddy is doing press ups for the guard and was crying. So it's time to meet to put something out. I don't know how to do this. So here's the latest episode of The Gargles. Alice Fraser is the host and she is joined by Josh Gondelman and Nish Keema, solid uglars. What about that Donald Trump? I don't think he washes his head after doing a number two.

Here's the show. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Hello, I'm Alice Fraser and I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attackships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I've watched sea beams glittering in the dark near the tanhues of gate. All those moments will be lost in time unless you're listening to the gargle. The Sonic Glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World. Welcome to the show. Fresh Audio and Newspaper for Visual World. Welcome to the show.

Fresh fancy and full of opinions. Our guest fashion editor this week is Nish Kumar. Welcome. Good to be here. Remember, fashionist for everyone. And our guest science technology and Duncan Donuts editor is Josh Gombeman. Welcome back. My three passions and I would say equally.

Welcome to the magazine, gentlemen. Before we dive in, let's have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week is Simone Biles posing provocatively in a white tracksuit, going, oh, now you give a f*** about gymnastics, Gary. The subheadline is, is it time for a mental health Olympics? Other words, on the cover include culture section jazz, is it, and why not? And top tips to the new body confidence, eight of the massurgical intervention,

and the other two are just get over it. Plus, Jesus and His Homeopathic Fish had a feeder host with just a drop of fish sauce diluted in half a glass of water. The satirical cartoon today is a movie poster of a J-Lo and Ben Affleck gritty reboot. J-Lo and Ben Affleck, of course known as blow pears. In this gritty reboot, she's weaponized and rebuilt her iconic butt after burning it down for the insurance money when she was on the run

from the Mafia, and he's actually the grim Batman man from the DC movies, but one who isn't Bruce Wayne by day. They're making out together on a yacht with a surprisingly visible amount of tongue that causes a rift in the space-time continuum that's making the robot who played jaws in the movie jaws achieve sentience and become an existential philosophy professor at Penn State. It's a lot to carry for one panel satirical cartoon, but the artist has really carried it off. I'm so worried that if they break up, then Athlet athlete will get the worst tattoo in human history.

I think every day about what that tattoo would be, and the two that I've come up with are like, um, it's like the green monster at Fenway Park full chest and stomach piece, the green monster at Fenway Park, and like the Yankees are storming it. And the red socks are pouring boiling Dunkin Donuts iced coffee down upon them. And then the other version is, it's the last supper, right? The fan, this is the last supper, but with the dropkick murderous and the strategies in the apostles.

I feel like the most telling thing about cultural pressures on appearance, but even for Hollywood actors, is the fact that she hasn't aged and he has. I do think though, if you, I feel like since they've gotten back together, he's de-aged like nine years, like in the past month, if you look at him. I 100% agree. There is some sort of aura around Jennifer Lopez. Yeah. If you put a baby near Jennifer Lopez, it devolves back into sperm and then,

like, there's some kind of magic around that woman. It's the curious case of Benefit Button. Let's dive into the magazine. Our first section is our human brain section. And now this story, a man in Japan has stroked himself while stroking himself in the worst Olympic event. Nobody ever asked for this 51-year-old man is being reported as having masturbated himself

into a stroke. Josh Gondronman, have you been following this story? I have been following this story. This man was masturbating around three times a day and no judgment here, but who has the time? And he had a stroke. It's almost like a very frequently fatal condition and he survived.

And the French called the moment after an orgasm, le pétit mort, right, the small death. And this guy almost got the whole thing, which is, he's Japanese, but spiritually very French. In many ways, every orgasm, he's just the tip of death. He's described in the news reports as being an unnamed, right-handed man. And imagine how much masturbating you have to do for someone to look at you and go, I don't know your name, but I'm sure you're right handed. That thing is enormous. It looks like a giant foam finger you'd get at a basketball game. Well, the thing about this is that he masturbated frequently enough. He masturbated several times today. It is entirely possible that stroke just happened. And when he went went into emergency he didn't need to mention the masturbation I'll go this far. I think the masturbation might have been what shook it loose the blood clot

I think you could have saved his life. He's just used to like Expelling things. I think his body was just in top flow form of all fluids I have to add a very different reaction to the story to both of you because my reaction was oh So I guess we can't do anything anymore Don't have too much alcohol. It's not good for you. Don't have too much coffee. Don't have too much chocolate And now it's like the one pleasure. I thought we had left as human beings has been compromised Is it gonna turn out looking at pictures of R Brianna and Channing Tatum gives you diabetes? This is what happens when you expose yourself to the work left, part of your brain, watches you masturbate and

goes, this is toxic masculinity, I'm cutting it short. I think, especially given the last sort of 18 months that we've all endured, I feel like part of when we all went into lockdown initially the first thing they should have done is said right first of all you've got to try stay two meters apart from people wash your hands wear masks and also if you go to town in yourself three times a day your brain might explain because surely that has been one of the key health risks of the pandemic. I do think you're right. That globally we've been in kind of a golden age of masturbation. Right.

A real renness. This really has been the, the, the, the, the, you know, when you study historic periods, you think, why is this particular time, why this particular place? You just have to look at the cocktail of circumstances, forced to stay indoors, and the proliferation of high speed internet. That is two ingredients for vintage, a vintage masturbatory epoch-8-pok?

Absolutely. I think that's what it's going to be known as in those each other's history books more than the pandemic. Remember the beginning of early 2020, March, April when people are like, there's gonna be so many pandemic babies, but I think what we're really gonna find is it's gonna be like, somehow sock companies became incredibly profitable.

And like just dozens of new lotions were invented. It's sex toy companies have experienced that they've share value has gone through the roof. Through the roof. People who make dildos are the new disaster capitalists. LAUGHTER It does plug a hole in a dike. The little Dutch boy. In other brains, exploding news. On Twitter, it is often tempting to ask,

what do you have rocks for brains? But it looks like that might be offensive to people whose heads exploded during the extreme heat event known as Pompeii getting volcano. Nish Kumar, you love a volcano, have you been following this story? Oh, listen, I've been following this story very closely. I love a volcano, I love an exploded brain. The one thing that I would say from this story is that I've never really understood why the phrase mind-blowing was ever meant to be a compliment because having your mind blown apart is sounds like one of the worst possible

it's like having a dinner and going boy this is a real aina's demolisher and it's not a good idea that does it it's just heat yeah exactly yeah it wasn't like someone dropped a real truth bomb on this guy. It was nature dropped a real actual bomb on this guy. Yeah, so this is what has happened with a body from Pompeii. They found a couple of bodies that have basically vitrified brains, which is say glassy rock turned brains. And they pos it that the heat made these brains explode

and turn into glass. Josh have you ever had an exploded glass brain? I felt like it for months. I feel like lately when I've tried to think I've had tried to have new ideas, I'm like, hmm, probably just a bigger hunk of glass up there, just some kind of paper weight or something. The brain was petrified at 950 degrees because of the proximity to an active volcanic eruption. So I don't know much about this person, but I do know they didn't have the smartest brain if they were just standing next to an active volcano.

But I will say, I did have a terrified reaction to this because like if organic matter of a human brain can be discovered and have the kind of like acids within it analyzed 2,000 years after death, I am so scared about who finds my laptop hard drive after I die and why. Because that thing is way sturdier than my head. I think it's a well-passed time for us to reintroduce, like, getting cremated with all of your valuables, just including particularly your most recent five-laptops. Yeah. Like, you can't take it with you refers to your wealth, but it should not refer to your

browser history. You could be able to take that to the grave, whatever. Surely this is the new business idea. Like really destroying your laptop. Like there's no chance that anybody's gonna be able to find your end today history. Yeah, we'll turn the ashes of your beloved expanse into a diamond and then use that diamond

to scratch the shit out of the motherboard. And then put it in a cannon, shoot that cannon into the cloud. They would ever, whatever server host the cloud, it just explode that. Well, this is the other thing. There's all these projects underway to sort of recreate people's conversations through AI after death.

It's like, which conversations are you including? Are you feeding into this AI? Because you might end up having some surprisingly suggestive chats with your ex-husband. Or just petty ones. I don't want like my loved ones being like, I miss Josh so bad. And then they bring me back to the like,

what, how are you? Papa, and I'm just like, can you believe the f***ing line at this brunch place? It's eggs! In other things that have glitched out my human brain news, Philip Morris, the moustache twirling hench thug super dukes of the cigarette industry, have decided to move into the wellness space. Josh Connell, when you live in New York, so I assume you're surrounded by people artistically smoking cigarettes at all time. Have you followed this story? Yes, well, as you know, my apartment is a large leather jacket and people frequently stop to smoke outside it because the building is shaped like

the Ramones. And it's, I just think that this is like, it's infuriating to a degree that turns my brain to glass. Like, I mean, obviously they've been trying to diversify. It feels like tobacco is kind of, it's like not invoked and they've been trying to get into this kind of health space there now, trying to buy an inhaler producing company called Vectora, and they were working on this, but for years, science hadn't gotten far enough for Philip Morris to enter this because they hadn't invented balls big enough for a tobacco

company to buy an inhaler maker. It is a bit like Coca-Cola owning owning Coca-Cola and also Mount Franklin water. You just feel a little bit surrounded on all sides. Yeah. If you were point Jack the Ripper to be the chief of police, then you should not be surprised if the number of murder investigations dropped spectacularly. If one day it turns out McDonald's Veggie Burgers were all full of cow. I don't think anyone is going to be surprised. Equally, if you start letting Philip Morris make in high-less,

I think you'd better get ready for some smoking 12-year-olds. And I do not want that cut and take it out of context, okay? LAUGHTER I mean, on one hand, who knows what you need in an inhaler better than the people that had and hid the data about how dangerous smoking is for decades. So they do have the inside track on what people need in an inhaler. Yeah, they just held off telling us how bad the disease was for so long because they were looking for a cure.

The whole thing. Honestly, that's kind of sweet. It's like the husband who comes home and goes, darling, I've decided to stop cheating on you. Yeah. Yeah, like, thanks, Philip. Apparently, the company is aiming to earn at least one billion in revenues by 2025 from its beyond nicotine products.

Which, I mean, I don't even know what that means. But apparently, one of them is respiratory junk delivery. And the other one just says, self-care wellness. And I don even know what that means, but apparently one of them is respiratory junk delivery and the other one just says self-care wellness and I don't know what that means, but I assume it's the practice that resulted in a man in Tokyo having a stroke. Well, beyond nicotine is actually fully vegetarian nicotine, so that's exciting. Just clouds of broccoli smoke from your acid. They have a beyond nicotine whopper, which is, it doesn't taste great, but I can't stop eating. I mean, into the wellness space,

they already have cigarettes and vapes and patches. I've just been waiting for a nicotine oil burner. A Roma therapy. Which so upsetting is the best wellness product I've just been waiting for a nicotine oil burner. Mm-hmm. Aromatherapy. But so upsetting is the best wellness product they could offer is just no cigarettes. Yeah. Like if they just stopped making cigarettes, they would be so good for health and wellness.

No cigarettes, plant the own trade. That's it. There you go. That's how you weld this cup pipe. Yeah, the Philip Morris, No Tobacco, and some occasional other plants corporation would be better for public health than whatever they're doing now. Because it's not like they're inventing an inhaler, they're just acquiring a company that... Well, this has been fun, but if you want to hear the rest of it, follow the goggle,

wherever you do that kind of thing now. A link is possibly in the show notes. What's the show notes? you