The Bugle - Bonus Bugle - He's the greatest diver

Episode Date: July 17, 2019

Andy has some Olympic classics, global warming archive and a recent story about soccer cows Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugles and welcome to Bugle 4114's sub-apps.cwcf.

I am Andy Zoltzman, but if it wasn't for this microphone right here, I would be... So I count myself very fortunate. So, what does CWCF stand for? Well, it is not as you might very reasonably think, an acronym describing the two candidates in the Tory leadership race, the president of America, and the state of global democracy in general. A good guester. Nor is it a Welsh village, nor is it the sequence of animals eaten by Henry VIII for the bog standard working lunch in the 1530s, written again in acronym form, chicken, wildebeest, crocodile

flamingo. Now in fact, CWCF stands for Cricket World Cup Final, which happens tomorrow as I record, quite possibly today as you listen to this maybe even right now or yesterday or in the dim and distant past, when hope still lived in the hearts of humanity delete, as applicable. It's England vs New Zealand at Lords in London, with me in the BBC commentary box trying very hard to suppress the urge to shout, holy shit! If you'd told a 10 year old Andy Salzman he'd be doing this, he would have dissolved instantaneously into a pool of quivering and graduality. So England and his another bit to delete, according to when you're

listening to this, are strong and rightful pre-match favourites, or are rumping to a glorious victory, as ordained by almighty's use in the Magna Carta, or are scaring things up royally in the grand tradition of English sport, or are having their cramming, defining moment drowned out by some granite-sold shit for brain formulaic, musical vomit, harped out into the stadium at ear-melting volume, at almost all sporting events in an effort to crush any sense of genuine authentic atmosphere for reasons no one in the universe can adequately explain. Or, have just won the World Cup and sparked a national celebration so joys that it has spontaneously reversed Brexit and led to every single child in Britain

becoming a lifelong obsessional cricket fan thus solving all problems in the world. So anyway, I have been somewhat preoccupied with my other job this week, so instead of a full bugle in which I would have been 220% distracted by cricket which of course is 8% more than in the average week, and fretting nervously about one of the highlights of my career with all due respects to the gig I did with Nish Kumar at the end over lights about 10 years ago. Instead, we have a sub-bugal cornucopia of buglic treats. From the recent past, the not so recent past, and the unending bottomless well of lies

about our voluntary subscribers. Let's start with these bits from the holy sanctuary that is the bugle cutting room floor for chunks that were too damn hot to be broadcast at the time. Um, in other animal news, uh, Anabh, India has a new football star. That's correct, Andy, that is correct. In the state of Goa, some kids were playing football. And as the Indian Express reports, as kids play football on the streets of India, the ball accidentally found itself near a cow. We've got a bunch of children who play football in India and we've got a bunch of cows. Now apparently this cow was an excellent football player and did not let the ball go and became a viral sensation.

Yeah Indian viral sensation is not as worrying a sentence at this point in history as it might have been pre-internet slang The Indian food ball coach, Pee Chateauji, while watching the video of the Cowkling Football, said he's an excellent dribbler. It's impossible to tackle him. And in many ways, I'd say, for Goa, he's better than Ronaldo or Messi. LAUGHTER Well, probably the most famous footballer ever to have come out of India.

Put him sideways in the goal. Yeah. A real, a very good Carl Heinz rumen, and a... Haha. We've been having a really hard time as you guys know, qualifying for the World Cup with humans. And perhaps we've got more cows than any other country in the world because we worship them. So I think we have an equally valid chance with the 11 cows. No, one of the cows are say good creatures. That would be very much like messy playing

in a Spanish league. Apparently the cow is very good in the penalty derriere and is going for a lucrative move to Railman Trid. But the manager might question, has it got the stomachs for the fight? But I do worry. I worry where this is going to be on. I mean, in five years time, there's going to be phonins with cow football fans moaning on about how Irmin Trude is not to it. And the herd would be better off with Daisy and the holding midfielder.

That's not going to end well. building midfield roll. That's not going to end well. RELAXY Archive's time now, it's 13th of July today as I record and the year is 2019. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that, but it could so easily have been 13th of August 2012, as it once was, of course. And that date coincided with the end of another big sporting event in London, the London 2012 Olympics of London 2012, never forget. And here are some of my reflections from Bugle issue 204, recorded that very week.

Hello, Bugleers. And I fear that the curse of the Bugle has struck again. No. Because previous to last week, I had compared myself to zero Olympic divers in my life. Last week, I compared myself to one Olympic diver, the German Stefan Fek, who, according to the internet, is the same height and weight as me, my point being that I technically have the body of an Olympic diver. Just a throwaway comment Andy, just a joke, no harm meant or done,

and the first, an only mention of Stefan Fek in the history of the Buel so far. If I'm completely honest, I was never imagining bringing up his name again. However, days later Andy, literally days later I'll witness Stefan Fek jump off a three meter diving board, spin in the air, lose control of his legs and land flat on his back in what one outlet described as, and I quote, a devastating backward belly flop, which as far as I'm personally concerned Andy, is a compliment. A compliment. It was spectacular.

As a dive Andy, it was a feast for the senses, because it wasn't just how it looked, it was how it sounded. The crack of a naked body, smashing into the unforgiving surface of the water is a gift to the ears Especially when you add the ooze of the crowd and the wind being physically smashed out of Stefan Fex chest It was a symphony of pain and what scored did he candy? He got 0.0s across the board from the judges. Are you fucking kidding me, Andy?

Were they watching the same dive that I was? Because I saw a man reinventing the sport of diving before my eyes. What are the judges looking for? I know in general they're looking at grace through the air and entry into the water with as little splash as possible. But what if someone gives you the opposite of that? You cannot say that that has no value, Andy. Well, I mean, I think also we've got to see clearly

Stefan Feck is a big bugle listener. He's heard last week that you and he have exactly the same body. Yes. But he has now dived like you have dived. That's true. I think you probably got an extra one and a half turns in there, but still in terms of the entry, you're basically right. Well, are you wearing a what would John Oliver do bracelet?

I didn't see. I'll look it up on YouTube again. It's definitely worth a look. I do think he raised the point of the IOC needs to seriously look into changing the judging requirements for diving now, because there should be points available for the funniness of a dive. It's just as subjective as any of the other judging criteria. The Chinese divers, for instance, have been absolutely magnificent this year, but not very funny at all. I would love to hear commentators say, well, to buy a shantel of Belgium up next, he's going to be attempting a half-summersault with a single panicked leg kick followed by two and a half screams of, oh shit, before landing facefirst into the water. This dive potentially

has a high degree of funniness. And here he goes. I've nailed it! Outstanding dive. The judges are in hysterics. I can see one pounding the table of laughter. A supplier's is helped semi-conscious out of the water with one of his testicles now visible at the corner of his speedos. Tremendous stuff from the Belgian. Ha, ha, ha.

I've got a lot of things to be nice to see. I kind of cartoon to when just charging on the end of a board hanging in the middle, looking downwards and then just plummeting straight into the water. Let's get diving back to its roots. Well, I think Stefan Feck has given the world one of the most memorable moments of the 2012 Olympics, Andy, and we should all be grateful. His very name should become a descriptive term in the English language from now on. Doing a Stefan Fek should describe failing at something so spectacularly that you actually do something more incredible than the thing you were originally attempting to do in the

first place. Of course, look, his name did not help with the story of this, Andy. One British newspaper ran with a headline, O Fek, with the phone to have him hitting the water, and they perfectly hor perfectly horizontal, 190 degrees. They in doing so passed up the opportunity to go with holy FECK or German diver in huge FECK up or FECKING HELL. That must have hurt like FECK. Amazingly, not everyone has had as instinctively joy as a response to this.

I do not know, Andy. Not everyone has had as instinctively joy as a response to this, the German swimming legend and four-time gold medalist Roland Matis heavily criticized Fec, called him shameful and unworthy. Well, f*** you, Roland! Let me tell you how many dives I remember from this Olympics. It's one Roland, and it's Stefan Fex dive. And let me tell you how many times I remember from your entire career, Roland, zero. In fact, I didn't even know you were a diver until I read that quote from you about Stefan Fex, who I have heard of, because he's the guy that did the funniest dive

in a Olympics history. With all due respect to Greg Ligonis. Yeah. Yeah. That's right, he put him at the point, Andy. Greg Ligonis was just too horrifying. He was on the springboard. Yeah, it was the three meter springboard.

Was it really? Yeah, I think it's a bit of a concrete one. I'm not sure he'd have recovered in time to take part in the final. The point is, I'm truly proud that we trumpeted Stefan Fek, even before he'd done anything worth trumpeting. And I would like to now declare, formally, Stefan Fek, the official three-meter diver of the bugle. In fact, I would like to offer Stefan Fek. I think the Bugle should try and sponsor him

at the next World Diving Championships, and be on the sole condition that he do exactly the same dive again. Well, so in the micro Bugle on Thursday morning, I predicted that you, saying, Bolt will win the 219.33 seconds and what did he want to do? 119.32.

Woah. Pretty close. You're the Colin Jackson of the Bugle. That's right. So, but more so, arguably. And I've never screwed up an Olympic final like he did. No, not once. Not once.

That loser. That multiple world title winning loser. [♪ Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & Buzzer & B which contained this. Certainly the most appropriate ever number for a bugle, John, because as I'm sure on millions of Turkish speaking listeners will be able to tell us 81 in Turkish, well it's still 81, but it's pronounced Sex and Beer. And Sex and Beer are what, what we're all about. Hey John, it's about. What, it's about. What are you talking about?

It's about. So we started cornering the audio Lads mag market. Oh no, I don't want them. I don't want them Andy. They're not welcome here. Saturday, the 11th of July this year, of course, the 205th anniversary of the duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton, just in New Jersey, just across the water from where you are right now, John. They've been pitching it each other for years, of course, Burr Man and-Dog. Until finally, they laid it all out one July morning in New Jersey.

Where, do you think I believe, was still legal? It was already illegal in New York City by then, thanks to the liberal left. It's pretty much legal now. It's tolerated now. There's a lot of street fighting in Jersey, that's what I'm saying. It's quite an odd hobby, I think, do you know? If it's what people enjoy. Who might have told them how to live and end their lives? But I think we should put this dual in perspective, the Burr Hamilton Jewelty,

and that's the sitting vice-president and a former treasury secretary. That's the modern equivalent of Joe Biden and Hank Poulson, dressing up in jock straps, squaring up in a cage, and smacking each other on the head with kitchen chairs until one of them calms out. I think they both benefit from that. So there's a recently discovered transcript from the original TV commentary of the Burk Hamilton Joule from 1804. Reach out this.

Hello, and welcome to Burk vs Hamilton. Pistols are done. 04, and what a contest we have here, the little 48 year old vice president from right here in New Jersey. And a 49 year old once on Treasury Secretary and Federalism fan who is relatively peed with some real trash talking recently That's what broke this big show down in the whole world will be tuning in to watch it Jim poop the former New England Julling Champion is with me in the con box this fine you jersey morning. Hello Jim

Hello Tony and what a pleasure it is to be here for promises to be an excellent duel between the two very eminent gentlemen So Jim what other tactics gonna be? Well, let's see if that happens. They're walking away from each other now and Hamilton Well, he looks like it's gonna be the first to shoot. Oh, let's see if that happens. They're walking away from each other now. And Hamilton, well, he looks like he's going to be the first to shoot. Oh, but it's an upside. There he's fired it. Well, not right at Burm on the looks of things,

but quite close to him. Well, Burm is not going to like that, Tony. No, Hamilton could live to regret that. Or not. Good point. Good point. That's going to depend on Burr shot. He's lining it up now.

The field, government of New York, Canada. Let's go down to Julian on the Julian ground. Tony, there's a bit of an east to west crosswind down here. So I think Bur Bill will be looking to aim just to Hamilton's left and just let the breeze drift the bullet back into towards the torso. So here comes a shot. Yes, he's gone in!

Yes! Hamilton's gone down quicker than a plighter piglet herring at a bar mitzvah, and that looks like a pretty serious injury there Jim. Yes, a terrific shot from Aaron there. He's running beautifully and that looks like he could be a vital one for Alex if I've not much mistaken Tony. Yes, and that could rule Hamilton out. He's running beautifully and that looks like it could be a fatal one for Alex if I'm not much mistaken Tony. Yes, and that could rule Hamilton out of the running for future political office. And that O-1 record in his head to head with his old rival Burr is really gonna sting.

And Burr is gonna check, going over now to check out Hamilton is. Well, it's been fought in a tremendous spirit, this dual gym. A lovely moment there as Burr fled the scene Tony. He lent over his long time enemy, put his thumb on his nose, wag his fingers, stuck his tongue out and blew the guy around, busy lay mortally wounded. Super stuffy, demanded satisfaction burp, and boy, did he get it? And of course Hamilton's death on which whilst still awaiting confirmation will be double ironic, of course as his son also died in a duel just three years ago.

Jim it's been a pleasure calling this one with you and do join us at the same time next week for President Tommy T.J. Jefferson against the guy who fell to have his wife and wife at the White House Disco last week. And you make history, you know, so accessible and inaccurate. But that's right. On the AJP Taylor Denosure. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

In commemoration of the famous, uh, Burhamilton Jewel, we are giving you the Buebel listeners one half of an audio dueling kit. Oh, it's... Team up with a fellow Bugle listener and fire this sound effect at each other. Just like each other off a bit first, challenge each other to a duel and meet with your Bugles at 6am on some open ground.

That's always some section of the Bugle going straight in the bin this week, a summer sunburn fashion section. Sunburn of course cheaper than a tattoo, less permanent but still painful. And we tell you the best cutout shapes to put on your body this summer while sunbathing to give you a funky, bud-interesting petal patch on your otherwise burnt torso. Designed available include popular tattoo style favourites such as a bird, a little star, some oriental text of absolutely no relevance to you, and they could woman changing the crankshaft on a vintage Mercedes.

A hyena scavenging in the carcass of a ganou, the opening trooper arrangements for the first battle of Ipra, Sherlock Holmes lighting his pipe whilst chewing a mouse, and a silhouette of the rock legends white snake looking at a menu outside a Chinese takeaway. And also in the bin a special Bugle Street Talk section, new words to drop into your hip conversations this summer. These words are, Gravelic, Fluke, Hackman, Scoopsy,

Tremending and Fesant. Use them as you see fit as nouns, adjectives, verbs or simplex greetings. See how people react and then work out what they mean. Also back in exactly ten years ago, would you believe the world was squibbling and squabbling about global warming, as reported exclusively in that self-same episode of The Bugle? Top story this week! G8 to the rescue! And the Michael Jackson wanted us to heal the world.

He was pretty clear about that in between buying $500,000 for his irresponsibly large house. And this week, as if in tribute to... Too soon. Now, you're probably right. This week, as if in tribute to him, but crucially not, the G8 leaders of the world gathered together in Italy to discuss how to improve the planet.

That's right in Italy, meaning that the host of the G8 was none other than bugle-favorites, slapstick politician and a man who, to put it mildly, is simply not fit to govern. Silvio Burlusconi, and I know what you're thinking, Burlusconi's hosting the G8, there is definitely going to be a stripper poll. Sadly not this time,

and the Silvio had to curb his collicular-like instincts due to the recent controversial press linking him to sleeping with prostitutes. And incidentally in response to these allegations, Silvaton Silvio gave an interview to a magazine he owned and said that he would never have done a thing like paying a prostitute because, and I quote, I've never understood what satisfaction there is other than that of conquering a woman. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, he's poor, poor, soon to be XY. He's treating 51% of the world's popularism like his own personal white while. He's a sexually aggressive captain I have, trawling the high seas, looking for the next conquest. I think we should be thankful, John, because of course, his ancestor and predecessor,

Julius Caesar, you know, once I'm much sintering, conquering women as conquering continents, and maybe it's good that Silvio is slightly just drawn in his sights to the fairer sex. You might have a point there, you don't, but you might. Naturally, of course, Burlusconi's opinion polls amongst Italian electorate have remained high through the latest prostitution scandal. Of course they have. And because Italians are their own worst national stereotype. This particular G8 summit was notable for a number of reasons. Chief amongst them being that this was Obama's first G8. The game Burlusconi chose to make him feel at home by getting him a private basketball net outside his private quarters at Laquire.

That should be nothing other than a lovely gesture. He knows that President Obama likes to play basketball every day and he's providing and outlet for that. But why is it? Because it's coming from Burlusconi, you just assume that it's a bit racist. That's the thing with Burlusconi does kind of distract the attention away from the real business, John, which wasn't banging prostitutes. But what was attempting to stop global warming? If you can indeed separate the two philosophically, I still don't know where the prostitution contributes to or detracts from global warming. I'm not sure. It's not an either-or situation. We're looking at it. I don't know if it's there's there are better ways to sleep with a prostitute in a more green manner.

Am I just saying before prostitution existed the environment was actually much better than it is now? That much is true. I don't know if there's ever been a scientific research paper. I mean I say it's the oldest profession in the world Andy, so you're going back quite a long way. Yeah, but it's still a fact. Yeah. You can't argue with facts. Who you can? Well, the fact will just gonna bite you in the face, John.

And he wants again, you are confusing facts with emus. Ha ha ha. Ah, okay. So you're once again, you are walking into an emu enclosure with Peyton Abutler on your face. Ha ha ha. Well, so they've certainly knew a global warming targets to attempt to heat the world up by two degrees by 2050, I believe, as the new targets, or limits that heat it.

I don't know if they're aiming to heat it up by two or setting that as a maximum. When it comes to saving the world, I guess most of us would say, is it worth it, what I suppose it is, better than a javelin in the neck, nice to have a world to live in these days? Just one of those things, isn't't it the world can't live without it. But we have set quite an ambitious targets of getting carbon output down by 80% by 2050 for developing countries. But there be no interim target set, John. And as we know, the human soul is programmed to work to deadlines. So if the world is anything like me and given that I am part of the world, I've not seen no reason why it shouldn't be exactly like

me. That is reluctantly the case, I don't know. If the world is like me, it will probably wait until October 2049 and then start frantically charging around, cutting any emissions that can find in the desperate effort to get somewhere near its target. Having spent the previous 41 years thinking about doing some stuff, checking its emails, seeing if it can make a profit gambling against itself on coin tossing, and just generally trying on its slippers over and over again. Knowing you have a problem is not making strides to resolve that problem. So this was, and the Obama's first experience of being a full member of the G8, And, you know, they do sound like superheroes, the G8, or be it that if that were the case,

they would be the most inactive superheroes ever created. They'd be superheroes with undeniably impressive powers, but they'd choose to sit around all day with each other and remote summits, talking about how they definitely intend to use their powers for good one day, but how it is impractical to put a date on when that day might be at this time. The main thing you need to be able to do at these summits is what first talk a good game going in,

then resolve absolutely nothing in the ludicrously short time provided, and then most importantly, pronounce the whole thing afterwards a huge success. And by that yardstick, Obama did very well at his first attempt. He went in, determined to build the consensus on reducing carbon emissions, came up against China and India, telling him, through slightly polite translators, to basically go f**king yourself, and came out with a commitment that global temperatures should not rise more than two degrees Celsius above 1900 levels. There you go. So often Andy, it all comes down to words. They should not rise more than two degree cells.

They should not. No, obviously they should not. And I'm not getting any of these degrees with that. But that does not mean crucially that they can not, must not, or indeed will not. I should not attempt to juggle with three pineapple that I've soaked in kerosene and set fire to. I should not do that for many reasons, but you noticed there that I've been very careful not to promise that I definitely won't.

Well Gordon Brown had some some big words for the world. He said these words. The world has now agreed that the scientific evidence on climate change is compelling. So we've made it. That's the important thing. He got to accept that you have a problem, do you say John? It's a achievable goal. That's right, that's what he's done there and he's even failed to meet them. Ten years on and it's all sorted. Right, that's your sub-buegel for this week. Also a quick note, my Edmund Refestival show will now be satirist for hire. The planned controlled Z show that I was planning to do well, I've controlled Zed it until the non-specified future date due to time constraints. Instead I will be taking your commissions for a special run of satirist for hire,

blindfolded, cliff-edge, unicorn, Brexit, Britain, bogus, prime minister, democrat-getting American elections, cricket, world cup, general stage State of the World Specials. Please send your requests to the usual satirist for higher address, satirize this at satiristforhier.com. The show will be on at the stand. From the thirteenth to the twentieth of August, there will also be political animal shows, most nights plus two live bugles. Do come to see all of those shows and the shows of my bugle co-hosts who will also be at the fringe. Until next week, may the Cricket be with you, unless you're from New Zealand, in which case, I wish you nothing but heartache and pain. Sorry, I mean, may the best team win, which is England.

Time to play you out in the Time on a tradition, with some lies about our voluntary subscribers, to join them and support the Bugle to remain fully independent and advert free, go to the website, thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Chris, music please. Adam Brown, Rackens Antarctica, should be split equally between all the people of the world. With over 7 billion people currently residing on this planet, that works out at a bit under half an acre of Antarctica each, which Adam thinks we really ought to be able to look after ourselves. Phil D.T. once tried to demonstrate a triple salco ice skating maneuver in a china shop, causing 2.5 thousand pounds worth of broken porcelain and a six month ban from anywere selling

crockery or figurines. Time in a place, Phil, live and learn. Derek Willis has only ever managed to bench press two benches at the same time. There was one occasion in his local park when he was pressing two benches with his hands and reached out to touch a third bench with his toes, but he doesn't think he got enough downward pressure for it to count as a bench press and was told to piss off by an angry grandad. Matthew DeCost took a tree back to a garden centre 15 years after buying it there because the leaves kept falling off around October November time. Only to discover that his tree was out of warranty.

Trees of course only come with a standard 10 year warranty. Phil Pell advised what the Roman army achieved, but reckons they would be vulnerable to today's more advanced military hardware, even with their trademark turtle formation. But then again, things Phil, were today's air forces cope with Roman ear-of-fules? Nope. Thomas Arnold reckons if all cars had lawnmower attachments of some kind, we wouldn't need roads. We could just drive across freshly-mone fields instead.

Claire Fletcher thinks that the next time Britain has to choose new Prime Minister, it might like to consider one of the following options, a public vote of some kind. Hary and someone from overseas who might bring some objectivity and expertise to the job, not bothering, or just using tennis presenter Sue Barker. I mean, why not? Ben Follett is perplexed by how excited everyone gets about birds being supposedly descended from dinosaurs given how much shit they are than the T-Rex and all the Stegosaurus. Anonymous donor, initials MR, who is famously one of several women who has never been to space, also designed the world's first soluble submarine, but yet to find a use for it, it is however technically very impressive.

And finally, John Gil Filan is unconvinced by the theory, often espoused by sports pundits, that the winning team simply wanted it more, a conclusion he reached after losing a swimming race against a dolphin whom he reckoned quotes didn't really give a shit but walks to victory anyway. Here endeth the lies. you