The Bugle - Bonus Bugle – Jet Skis, lawyers and donations

Episode Date: July 5, 2013

Some never heard before clips of The American, the legal aid row and donation queries from Buglers Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Buglers, and welcome to a not particularly special Bugle 240 sub-episode, Alif. I'm Andy Zoltzman live in my special shed in London. This is for the week beginning Monday 8th July 2013. We're off this week because of a combination of destiny and fate and John Bing on holiday and me trying to toy the train next door's tortoise. Not on the path, the lawn is just acceptable, the flower beds mock yourself out shelly boy. So on this day, the 8th of July 1497 Vasco de Garm with the little Portuguese exploring

celeb got pissed at lunchtime and thought, Dan, I could murder a curie. He wandered around Lisbon in the afternoon, not a single curry house to be seen, so he probably popped in one of his special sailing round the world boats and nine months later he'd become the first European to sail to India. He staggered onto the shore and his first words were, one chicken dansak, pilar ice, garlic nan, alugobin, a pint of lager please. Oh, this is going to be good. Four future reference, do you deliver? No, I'm not within three kilometres. Well exactly how far?

Well, are you going over land or by sea? As the crow flies, about 9,000 kilometres, you don't have a crow. Don't have a mind. You can have a papadum while sun waiting. On this day in 1947, a UFO landed in Roswell, Texas, and was hastily hushed up. The UFO, which recently leaked documents, suggests contained amongst others, Amelia Earhart, Hitler, Abraham Lincoln, and the young Margaret Thatcher, was quickly impounded by US boss Harry S. Truman. The S incidentally got into his name because he used to respond

to any surprising news by shouting, SLEP DDI! The volume giving away, quite how concerned the president was, by the news he'd just been given. Anyway, you can console yourselves in your full bugleless grief by taking out your Voluntow subscription at thebugelpodcast.com, where, of course, you can also buy the bugle merchandise, the must-have accessories that will instantly turn you from a lifelong loser into a champion of all you survey.

It's amazing what the right hack can do. As the Pope would no doubt testify, big pointy miter, everyone's listening, American football helmet, probably out of a job. In the meantime, we have some priceless bits of bonus bugle for you. Sorry, not priceless, free, that's the word I'm looking for. A bit more of our world exclusive interview with the American from last week, and some other bits of stuff that were too damn true to be broadcast when we recorded them. So we let them ferment in a barrel for a while and now they're absolutely safe for public consumption. Well, of course, a major rising power in the global economy. And this was shown when President Rusev said that thousands of doctors would be drafted in from overseas

to improve the Brazilian National Health Service. And that shows when you have made it, John, as an economic power, when you start stealing doctors from countries that need their doctors even more than you do. That is a right of passage. So I think, I mean, we always complain about, I think we'll complain about immigration here and I don't spend a big issue in the states this way as well.

Yes. But also if you look at the doctors that we've stolen from overseas, I think most illegal immigrants only come to Britain to see their local GP. But I think, John, as you say, there's a lot of dissatisfaction about, you know, these millions, billions being spent on sport, whilst education and health are in such a state there, but, well, we're British, John, and Brazil. Take it from us. Education and health can wait. You can always come back to learning and not dying, but the World Cup and the Olympics only come around once in a lifetime. You're after seas

that opportunity, because there are plenty of people who've been to school. You probably don't need any more, but the World Cup, you know, the last time you had it was 1950. Health, schmell, you know, personally, I can tell you I've been well, I've been ill, as long as there's sport on, there's basically no difference between the two. And just look at it, and then the Olympics was, that was That was the happiest Britain has ever been. There's eight weeks in which you, Brazil, want to think about anything like institutionalized corruption, grotesque and deliberately exacerbated social inequalities,

the essential theft of your nation's and natural and financial resources. The fact that you logistic, he can't move on your roads or afford to eat. Forget all those are fem-reble, if fem-reble, Let's stick with that. Microquibbles. There's water polo to watch and man those guys and girls are seriously ripped. You cannot put a price on that Brazil. Well you can in many ways and the problem seems to be that

you have put a price on that but don't take any notes of that price. It's not relevant. It's not just let's sport, let's sport rain and let happiness follow. not just let sport, let sport reign, and let happiness follow. This one comes from John in Hong Kong, says, well listening to Bugle Podcast number 239. I was interested to hear the heartwarming account of the Frenchman whose life took such a sudden turn for the better for the longest Bugle Podcast donation. I thought it was a French woman, wasn't it? I was wondering if you might, my acting skills sort of let me down. I was wondering if you might, my acting skills, let me down. I was wondering if you might, let me know the amount the said Frenchman donated. I, on the other hand,

made my first donation to the Bugle and was quickly rewarded by being run off the road on my bicycle, collecting any number of broken ribs, wrists and various contusions, as well as a crash introduction to the Hong Kong medical system, which I believe may have been another gift of empire. Not enough it's been updated since then or not. Admittedly my donation was small and we have $5 US. Should I have donated more? Please let me know the minimum donation required for a more positive outcome.

Thank you, brackets, and please try to do a better job of motor vehicle training when you need to close up shop at another empire. From John in Hong Kong. Well, I mean, I guess this goes to show that if you donate as little as five US dollars to To the to the bugle then you will rightly suffer a very very severe injury I'm not saying, you know, we definitely hunted him down and

Yeah, an injured him, but just saying clearly that's I mean, there's a definite correlation I know I'd say I mean that's what we've learnt from those two emails, Andy. You know, you could do that, and also if you listen to the bugle, there's a chance you could get away with murder. That's the power of this podcast world, John. There's a deep question here from Harry Mason philosophically, what is life like outside the USA? What do you mean by that? I mean, what is life outside of the USA?

I mean, I guess it's life. I guess it's not full of joy. I would say that from what I've seen on the news, it seems like all people do is like dancing the streets, burn flags. I don't know. You know what I think? Is there some good countries I guess out there?

I just feel like when you're in a country that has the best of everything, it really seems silly to even bother to go anywhere else to find it. You know, if I want a good Italian food, I can get it right where I am. If I want a good falafel, not that I would eat that, but if you want them when you got them here, you know, we got everybody comes here, so we don't have to go there. That's kind of the beauty of

this country. This one guy coming from Tom Trouten, who asks, if you could, like your president, drone the f*** out of anyone without the risk of legal retribution, who would you drone the f*** out of and why? Good question. Good question. Who would you draw the **** out of and why? Good question. Good question. That is a very, that's a heady question. It's a heady question. It's a heady question. No, I guess he means a country.

I don't know if he means an individual. No, I don't. I mean, because there's a couple, yeah, I mean, there's a couple NFL coaches that have been driving me nuts, but I don't know if it's drone level, you know, drone level stuff, you know what I mean? Drone level.

I mean, I built Bella check. I mean, with, oh Jesus, I don't even get me started. I'm not going to, I'm gonna try and move your mind away from him as much as possible. So, let's, let's talk countries. Mm. Well, right out of the gate, I go Russia, right out of the gate.

It's the, I'm old school, my enemies. Certainly. I don't let things go so fast. Everybody's out, let's forgive and forget now. I don't forget, and I barely and rarely forgive All right, and Russia You guys remember that movie Rocky for that's still true. That's still how they think They're the kind of people that would use steroids against a fight and then what our guy didn't need steroids

It wasn't true then. Oh, absolutely true I mean just look at a fart in that fight. That's how they fight in the world That's a that's a metaphor for the world domination right there. But when the Russian people saw Rocky winning, all of a sudden they jumped on our bandwagon and guess what happened right after that? Tadown is a wall. So that was the Rocky movies. Then the wall came down. Well, yeah, I mean, you know, Hollywood. So, you know, look, gets it right sometimes. Let's be honest. Hollywood rarely does, but every now and then they get it right. Incidentally, Reagan, gets it right sometimes. Let's be honest, how it would rarely does, but everyone then they get it right. Incidentally, Reagan, great president,

or greatest president ever? Or greatest president in our lifetime. In our lifetime. Yeah, I mean, probably greatest president ever is Washington. Okay. And Washington didn't have the rocket movies to back him up, did he? No, he didn't.

That's why I mean, look, if you take the rocket movies away, he'd really be to bit, yeah. What was Reagan got left to part from Rocky? Oh, geez, come on Reagan. He's got all that stuff. He's got the first of all. Let's be handsom guy. You know, he looks Look, he looks like the way you think a president should look Like if you if you had to imagine a president, he's 40 will look like right? Okay, okay Then you got the fact that he was you know, he was brave and he look at what he did with the economy Everybody was making a ton of money in the 80s. Everybody across the board, not across the board, not across the board. Not across the board. I'm even more sure not across the board. Now we'll have to like, agree to disagree. I can't. I can't

agree. The country was in a boom, not a bus. Okay, so there's, you mentioned on the way in that you have the, as you, I can see you wag me around now, that Italian sausage in your hand. Yep. There's a question here from Elliot R saying, why do Americans put corn syrup in their Italian sausage? Why? Exclamation mark.

Question mark, exclamation mark. I don't know, because corn syrup is delicious. I mean, but is it though? I mean, is sugar not better for you? It's not good for you, but corn syrup seems horrendous. Yeah, but you got you got to understand by eating corn syrup You're supporting the farmers of this country. Oh, I want you to eat sugar coming in from Jamaica One of these other foreign lands, but you eat corn syrup Then you got a guy in America who's working his ass off the grow corn the old fashioned way

Yeah, and it's you know in his yard And he's and he's got a tractor and his mom in his corn Yeah, he's trying to feed his family and they don't want to eat corn because that's all they eat over there Right, so he's got to make money by selling his corn so they make syrup out of it Then we eat it. It's all part of the you know circle of life You don't you don't understand that that's not how farms work in America now usually it's you know Monsanto genetically modified crops and you know It's it's, you know, Monsanto genetically modified crops. And, you know, it's, it's really industrial farming.

It's not. Look, look, you can break this down on your own. Monsanto, big business, hires a lot of people. Yes. That creates jobs. Okay. They're going to genetically modify crops.

You got to have scientists, the best scientists, American scientists, figure out how to make the chemicals to make that corn so good. And what's the big deal about eating chemicals chemicals all came from nature at some point anyway Everything started. Yeah, what do we start with we didn't we didn't have a special bin You know that guy left it it said not natural everything's natural right? You just mix it together and then they say it's unnatural both shit you break it down

It's just what is it sugars and call hydrates or whatever. It's all all natural it all everything came out of the earth Sounds like a stump speech. I had I had a couple of I had a couple of moments out there in my jesky when I was stuck Just drifting in the Atlantic I got a day, you know, you think about life in a different way, you know, I mean it hey water water everywhere, right? But not a drink, you know, I mean I did did have, I did have a second, I'll say. I'll say. I'll say, I'll say,

I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say,

I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say,

I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll sense? I don't know. You know, it just seemed like the best way to store it You know what I mean because that way it's not in the sun and I don't you know I don't know at the time it made sense I did on paper if you look at it on paper it makes sense it's tough to explain just like like out of off end like Well, I'll tell you what I'm looking for when I look at the pillars of society like the legal system, John.

I'm looking for a fucking bargain. And another problem with this is that these reforms are essentially completely irreversible once you have basically destroyed an entire industry. You can't just magic get back up if it turns out to be in terrible mistakes. But I guess throwing babies out with bath waters is what human progress is all about people throughout history. So we wouldn't be able to live with without indispensable parts of everyday life like tobacco pipes which dunking slaves God and defecating out of windows, but we found a way and we joy might like the idea of a functioning legal system But how often do most of us actually use it? It's like that Christmas bagel machine

We've all got tucked down the back of the sofa. It's nice to know it's there But we only get it out when we're in trouble with the police. I think, anyway, the point stands, we need to make savings, otherwise some significant employers are going to relocate to India or somewhere. And if you're looking for sacrificial lambs to dress up, in fishnet stockings and push-up bras and pinpouts to the highest or lowest bidder, then the legal system is going to be the first of those lambs that you're going to train to talk dirty to a businessman.

that you're going to train to talk dirty to a businessman. Even the government's own website, it says it acknowledges some of the problems with it. The removal of choice may reduce the extent to which firms offer services above acceptable levels. This is from their own consultation programme, John. And John Tom Noschel, we've even fully scratched the surface of this issue and everything that shows about our national priorities and the workings of our politics but it really leaves me feeling about as reassured as being told not to panic about the escaped man in eating tiger and a zoo by a furry stripy face zookeeper in a blood splattered ill fitting zookeepers uniform who belches, roars and says man he was surprisingly chewy for a fat lad.

Sorry, what was the question? When is the penguin feeding session? Roar! This will teach you if you turn in my grandparents in the home furnishings. Bumper, Bumper, Bumper, Bumper, Bumper, Bumper, Bumper, Bumper. Well, there you go, pump that into Cairo and everything will be fine.

We're off next week as well, which is probably a good thing. There's simply too much sport on for us to be able to satirize real stuff. There's the Wimbledon Finals, and Andy Murray finally reward the British people for their 77 years of doing everything possible to win a Wimbledon Men's Championship. A better, after everything we've done for him, watching him from our armchairs and complaining about him with his incredible work ethic and skills. And then there's the deciding test in the Lions Rugby Series in Australia. him, from our armchairs and complaining about him with his incredible work ethic and skills.

And then there's the deciding test in the Lions rugby series in Australia. It's one all after two as I'll record if you're a non-Rugby initiated bugler tuning in for the insider. Look out for Rugby's trademark Molotov cocktail of institutionalized cheating, whizzed together with baffling almost fetishistic technicalities that help Rugby disappear up its own fundament where it seems mostly comfortable, plus occasional outbreaks of unmatchable sporting majesty when the sport suddenly often accidentally breaks free from its own complexity. It's like a cross between chess, cage wrestling, without the cage, and international tax law. No-one really understands it, but you can be pretty sure that the big guys are probably doing something

naughty. And then, on Wednesday, the world will get much more important. Even more important than it already was as a planet, because on Wednesday, England and Australia play cricket against each other. You can take your regi-hips, you can take your global economic crises, you can take your serious and your covert surveillance programmes undermining the principles of Western democracies. Nothing is more important this summer than the ashes. Nothing. And the Anglo-Australia cricket clash begins on Wednesday and lasts for five lots of five days over the next seven weeks. Strapping, it's going to be sensational or it might be adequate. Anyway, you can hear more about the ashes on the greatest testy podcast Chris and I have been doing some of which sounds like this

News coming in on the wires Following a year-long slum in the test arena in which shows Ron scoring a striker at plummeted England batsman Ian Bell has announced plans to rebrand himself scoring a striker at plummeted England batsman Ian Bell has announced plans to re-brand himself. Things have not been going so well for me as Ian Bell lately explains the worrisome and so from now on I wish to be known as the sledgehammer of everlasting vengeance. Bell, who will be listed on the scorecards, is somewhere as TSE vengeance. Hoax the rebranding exercise will make him more intimidating to bowlats. Although he has been refused permission by the ICC to walk to the crease, brandishing

a flame thrower. There's nothing in the laws against it, muttered by angrily, I feel like Dennis Lillie's aluminium bat all over again. That's Justin. Most of it also has other people talking as well, so do tune in for that SoundCloud.com slash. bit also has other people talking as well, so do tune in for that SoundCloud.com slash The hyphen greatest hyphen test. Funnily enough, you can also find the Bugle on SoundCloud too at SoundCloud.com slash The hyphen Bugle. If you enjoyed that and want to see more of

me, or even if you didn't enjoy that, but think you might enjoy it more if I wasn't talking about cricket, then do come to Political Animal on Thursday, the 11th at the other belly on London South Bank, I'm hosting it and the guests are Paul Sinhar, Matt Ford and Mark Thomas, tickets available on the internet, Bugle Merch available in the other belly ticket office so this could be the greatest night of your lives. We'll be back with some more shameless filler next week, with Bugle 240 sub-episode Betty. Until then, bye! you