The Bugle - Bonus Bugle - Olympic memories

Episode Date: August 15, 2021

We're back next week so we relive Beijing 2008, London 2012 and Peonchang 2018We are funded entirely by you, the listener. Listeners who sign up via thebuglepodcast.com have long enjoyed the opportunity to get: mentions on the show (in the form of lies), merchandise and general sense of wellbeing for supporting this fine work of art. As of this week you can also support the show directly via Apple Podcasts. Our new channel ‘Team Bugle’ also includes The Last Post, The Gargle and Tiny Revolutions, shows which currently carry ads - but they will be completely ad free on this channel. So if you love The Bugle, and it’s siblings, then please support The Bugle via our website or Apple Podcasts where you can subscribe today.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW). Listen to The Gargle here: https://pod.link/GargleFollow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanJohn OliverAlice FraserAnuvab PalAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers. I'm Andy Zoltzmann and we are approaching the end of our summer hiatus. We'll be back next week with a full Bughal episode to look at everything that's been happening in the world during this crazy month. Sadly, our summer hiatus coincided with the Tokyo Olympics so we were unable to report exclusively for you on all the wondrous athletic action and heartbreaking stadium emptiness that the world has been enjoying. So instead we're going to delve into our archives to classic Olympic years such as 2016, oh sorry I'm just hearing that we were also one hiatus then, in the interregnum in bugle terms between the before times and the current times. So we'll go back even further to years such as 2008,

London 2012 and Winter Olympics. So do enjoy our collection of classic bugle Olympic archive material and we will be back next week to see what is happening in this planet. Goodbye. Feature section now and the Olympics. Well Andy, I've done it again. Once more I've developed a dysfunctional relationship with the Olympics. I've found myself every night this week fighting sleep at two in the morning to watch a sport that I know deep down I have no interest in. Do I need to watch the Croatian men's water polo team in action? No, am I transfixed by their moustaches and that the sports seeming encouragement on people drowning

each other? Yes I am. I guess what the Olympics really have shown us is that the big question we need to ask is, dally who for the next week or so? Let's just all forget about that because there's been some sensational sport. Michael Phelps, obviously the big star so far, so much for all Americans being overweight and lazy, John. This guy's like a cross between a baguette and the speedboats. I mean, not as fast as a speedboat, but faster than the baguettes. Really good at swimming. He's really good at swimming. I'm stand by that. It's very different, Andy, watching the Olympics over here in America, because they win things all the time. I mean, every day they win stuff, Andy's fantastic fantastic. Phelps alone is giving you more than one gold medal a day. We should get someone like him on our swimming team.

Can't believe no one's thought of it. Of course. Now, this actually means that Britain is winning a lot of gold medals. If you, like me, do not recognise American independence. So, well done, us. Michael Phelps is a proud British man. The Queen must be thrilled at that manfish. Also, I don't recognise Chinese independence, John. For me, after the box of the rebellion in the early part of the 20th century, we've basically ought to own China, so we are miles and miles ahead. The Olympics began a week ago with an opening ceremony which proved that,

yes, there is at least one plus side to human right abuses because you simply cannot put on a show like that unless the performers live in fear of their lives. I think what the opening ceremony did show John is that the more human rights abuses you're trying to hide the more spectacular a show you're going to put on. So I just hope that London learns from this and the government is encouraged to really clamp down on women. It even featured a number of Chinese performers physically running over a giant globe in what has to be the least subtle threat to the rest of the planet in games history. Also at the opening ceremony, John, it turns out that the young 9-year-old girl who sang

their mind and that's a less attractive girl sang because apparently in this display of China to the world the girl they used had to be quotes flawless in appearance and if you think that was creepy just don't look at the metal stable and compare it with one from 20 years ago. The big thing I took away from the opening ceremony Andy was that we in London are f***ed in four years because we cannot do anything approaching that as an opening ceremony. The worst thing we've got two options. One, become a violent dictatorship. Or two, do the first ever sarcastic opening ceremony. We could do that.

Play each nation's anthem sarcastically as they parade around looking a little bit insulted. There have been some controversies already at the Olympics, the Spanish basketball team, took a photograph from ad campaign back home, which involved them pulling their eyes with their fingers to make them look slanted. Are you sure this wasn't from the Olympics in 1908 rather than 2008? I'm afraid not Andy, in fact Paul Gasol, one of the players who also plays here for the Lakers said, I was supposed to be funny or something, but never offensive in any way. I'm sorry if anybody thought or took it the wrong way and thought that it was offensive. What?

Everyone finds that offensive. That is the international language of racism. It transcends language. So who's there to look out for in the second week of the Olympics? Well, a few bugle picks for you now. We recommend looking out for Stanton Krueger of South Africa in the Bar and Brawling, unrivaled bottle technique and an almost supernatural ability to hear non-existent insults in other people's conversation. That could be crucial in front of a big crowd of the Olympics, John.

Krueger's biggest rivals could be the recently divorced Uzbek army rejects Rahim Temzamiun. He's got a lot of issues to work out. And British thug of the year, 2007 Mike Prange, veteran of over 200 banning orders. Also in fruit description, the Romanian star Konstantina Florenescu's brilliant description of a ripe apricot as quotes a velvety extravagance of peach-like delight,

a journey into the very heart of succulents. May have won other European title last year, but will she choke on a big stage again like in Athens in 2004, when with the gold at her mercy, she lost it completely and said that a pineapple was like a rabid mungrel dog trying to play the harmonica. Featured drugs, of the week at the Olympics this week, are crony flambutamol, a steroid which boosts female gymnas ability to look like they haven't been psychologically scarred by years of being aggressively hot housed into not falling off planks. And Emboutro Thrago Grotein, a mind-oping drug favoured by polevolters that makes them think they've been chased by a man-eating rhinoceros which is scared of people falling

onto big mats from the height of over 5 metres. Top story this week! Are there more important things to care about, of course? Can you name any of those things right now? Of course not! What's the first thing you think of when you think of the Word News? That's right! It's Michael Phelps' face, isn't it? That's because it's the Olympics, Andy, humanity's emotional morphine, it doesn't make everything

okay, but it sure is shit, makes it feel okay, it's a Olympics update time! I'm about 30% joking when I say any of that, Andy. I know that for you that number is currently significantly lower. Well there was a news bulletin the other day I heard on the radio and it had about I think it was maybe it was radio 4 actually. So this is the serious bit of British media and it was like at the hour, three minute news bulletin on the hour and the first two minutes were all about the Olympics and then other news was there's been a massacre in Syria. Yeah, I think that shows, I mean, you might see that in a negative light.

I see that in a positive light because that just shows that things don't need to be bad even when they are. It's like an evolutionary thing. We've seen the evolution of humanity. There didn't used to be Olympic games, then we developed Olympic games, and now we are able to ignore major catastrophes. That is self-preservation, John. It is mental self-preservation. It's the evolution of the species, ambitial action. That's right. Well done, Darwin. So the Olympics is a weekend now, and after a spectacular Olympics opening ceremony

that saw a five-minute Mr Bean sketch and James Bond bursting in on the Queen, with a look in his eyes that might be thinking about a shooter in the head. The queen of course then jumped out of a helicopter and even more spectacularly Managed to scowl her way through the rest of the old She did look like she absolutely hated it. She had a face like a bored Killed her to smile just once rather than have a permanent expression that seems to say, I fucking hate all of you. All of you. I think I mentioned this in the very first Monicrobugal last week that there wasn't explanation for this, John. That she just spent 10 minutes in a helicopter with James Bond.

Now, what happens to women when they get in bits of transport alone That's a game bond And it could have really set off our arthritis. That's all I'm saying the point is Andy what a week There's been despair. There's been sunshine. There has been rain and there have been cheating badminton players Bringing that noble sport into this repute how dare they describe badminton and they they brought shame upon the shuttlecock at what happened in the back about shuttlecocks John yeah um the feathers on shuttlecocks have made only from the left wing of a goose they They said that I went to Badminton last night and there was an ounce during the pre-match bill at a feeling of airtime.

They said, instantly, the shuttlecock was made using feathers only from the left wing. What? Of the goose. That sounds like one of your lies. Yeah, no. I was listening to that thinking, have I been, I'm a bit confused, I've been very busy, but I don't remember writing the continuity links for Olympic Badminton. I think that might be the single mug's pointless fact I've ever heard. I mean, that literally has no use to me. And yeah, I'm probably never going to forget it now.

But disappointingly, they have removed the original phase of Badminton from when it was invented in around about the 17th century of competitors having to chase and defether a goose to make the shuttlecock. Now, of course, originally it wasn't from the left wing of the goose, it was from the shuttle of the goose, which is like the turkey's wattle underneath the goose's chin, and the cock was made from the cock of the goose. Obviously, for the sake of the flight of the shuttlecock, you need the cock bit to be, you need the shuttle bit to the shuttlecock, you need the cockbit, the shuttlebit to be feathery and the cockpit to be hard. So it needed to be removed in an aroused state.

Now clearly this is a tricky maneuver for a babbon and player to pull off to sever the aroused penis of a goose. It's okay for the goose because they just their wings grow back like hydras. This is why you know in the 18th century you couldn't move for geese with about 50 penises. But it did make making the shuttlecock. It's been a long week. Get some sleep, bandit! You're hallucinating! Is this still the fact? If it was 20 all in in the game rather than nowadays you have to get two points ahead Yeah, until it's at 29 or then you have like a golden point a 20 all

Um a bald at the bald anger in recently deep penis goose was released onto the court The last player to be pecked by the angry goose won the game That is no less useful a fact than the actual fact you started that with. That was the same amount of use. What happened in the badminton if you missed it was that four women's doubles teams were disqualified from the Olympics after deliberately trying to lose their final group games to secure an easier draw in the knockout round. It looks bad when one team in a match tries that. It looks terrible when both teams are simultaneously doing it. It's not technically

cheating, but it did turn the crowd on them and did cause a badminton scandal. And you don't often hear those two words anywhere near each other and the badminton scandal. In fact, there hasn't been a badminton scandal since 1986. I believe, when for a couple of days the then-world champion, Park Joo-Bong, was briefly thought to have caused the Chernobyl nuclear disaster with an air and chapel cock, until the investigation eventually blamed electrical engineering equipment

and the use of graphite and construction materials. For 48 hours, it looked to have been the single worst combined badminton and nuclear reactor disaster in decades. Badminton scandals used to open the bowling fudge in the micro and then on to the TV. There was a great feature on the BBC Olympic website this week which gives you a chance to find out your Olympic athlete body match.

You can put your height and weight into the program, and it will tell you which Olympian's body you most resemble. So, you know, I'm about six feet and around 175 pounds, so I put that in, and it turns out that I'm most like Stefan Fek, the German Olympic three meter springboard diver, and also Ian Lewis, the British men's team hockey player.

Now, this means I technically have the body of an Olympic diver, Andy. That is a numerical fact. It's not a visual fact, but which do you trust more? Your eyes or numbers? Exactly. Without numbers, you wouldn't even have two eyes to see things with.

You just have some eyes. That's my point. So it turns out that I have the body of an Olympic diver, Andy. And I'm as pleased with that fact, as I imagined, Stefan Feck is angry with the fact that after a lifetime's dedication to carving his body into its perfect sleek form, he numerically has the body type of a 35-year-old British comedian.

Well, I did the same on that same test John and it turns out that I have exactly the same body as the 15 year old British gymnast Rebecca Tummy. Are you? I'm going to haven't measured myself for a while to be honest, but just going on though my last recorded measurements from six months ago, but then I was six, don't. The point stands. The point stands. Just time for a quick look ahead to the Winter Olympics now, which as we record, they've just held the opening ceremony and as not, Chris you can confirm this has not been part

of the Olympics ceremony was not the North Korea invading of that very moment. No, they haven't. Oh, that's moment. No, they haven't. Oh, that's good. Not yet. We will cover the Winter Olympics exclusively over the next few weeks. What I'm most looking forward to, some fantastic events coming up, snowball fighting. For the first time, controversially, snow drones are being allowed.

The purists don't like it. But it gives teams a different angle, and you've still got to compact your snowball and load it onto the drone. So you get what you gain in accuracy and payload. You may lose in speed of delivery. Look out for the North Korean team. They had some very oddly shaped snowballs in yesterday's final free practice,

one of which landed halfway across the Pacific. Um, ski jump jousting, that could be the ratings winner of this Winter Olympics. Surely there can be more dramatic sight in sports than two pugilist athletes clashing jousting, that could be the ratings winner of this Winter Olympics. Surely there can be no more dramatic sight in sport than two pugilist athletes clashing jousting pole to jousting pole, 30 metres above ground having just flown off a 90 metre ski jump ramp at opposite ends of Estonia. That is real sport. Also a real chance for some of the less fancied contestants in both amends and women's events after a very exciting World Cup season. Sadly none of the top 150 We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys.

We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys.

We've got a lot of good news for you guys. We've got a lot of good news for you guys. driver and the rear gunner who asked a fire at five different targets, plummeting down hill at 85 miles an hour. That one sadly being held behind closed doors after the test events. Well, we can't say too much about it, it's still an active legal matter. The skeleton event has proved hugely popular because, well, who the f**k doesn't want to watch someone flammyk themselves face down a concrete pie,ic velocity and they've swooped up this time they have to skeleton pack man events inspired by the 1980s computer game it's gonna be a huge hit can the likes of soci gold metal winner Lizzy Arnold adapt for the new requirement to catch tennis balls in her mouth on the way down loop the loose enough said and I'm particularly comfortable while two events really the polar Polar Bear rodeo, which could

be really sensational this time, Polar Bear is of course in a real mood at the moment, due to the devastation of their natural habitat by climate change. So anyone who could stay on the bear for more than 15 seconds, we'll be doing very well norwegic hopes in the mixed doubles event rest with Stig-Vel biop Glugasson and the little freed of York returning after a four year ban for polarisation after they painted a sloathe head to toe in an off-white emulsion. And the captain Oatsethlon, arguably the toughest of the many disciplines in this toughest of all Olympics winter.

That's the event inspired by the death of Lawrence Oats on Captain Scott Silver Medal winning Squastle of the South Pole in the 1911-12 World Polar Exploration League season. The competitors have to leave the start tent, and the winner is the one who takes the longest some time to return to the tent, still waiting for the result from Sochi. And sadly, the Vancouver Games Gold Medalist from 2010, Drise Cjork, Hugh Mellison of Denmark,

unable to defend the title, he was confirmed as winning only last year. Not the best event for TV, but tough competitors. And any news on how the Olympic ceremony, because the last one, South Korea held an Olympic opening ceremony, it turned into a barbecue, flamethrower, doves. And I can reveal the breaking news from the opening ceremony is that the Tongan flag bearer in conditions of up to minus 20 degrees has gone out shirtless and grease stuck waiting his flag. Why change a winning formula? I'd love the winter Olympics. There are two sports that I'm

looking forward to, the real sports in the Olympics. I'm looking forward to figure skating for two reasons. First, because it is extremely silly people in beige stockings and sparkly leotards trying to tell a graceful romantic physical story with what are undeniably knives to their boots. The second reason is that my merciless Jewish Hungarian grandmother had a real old world, sort of Austro-Hungarian empire idea of what children's education should involve, and so she would regularly hijack me and my twin brother from our hippie parents for things like, but not limited to figure skating lessons. She wanted to turn us into a horrifying, sibling eye-stancing duo.

So when I watched the figure skating, it's with this real joyous, relieved sense of there, but for the grace of God, go high. And I'm also looking forward to skeleton, which is the one, as you mentioned before, where they go face down and head first, because somebody very high at the top of a mountain once gave someone else a thousand drugs and a keyboard. Did you know, bugle listener and top-notch comedian, Alex Edelman has a twin brother, AJ, who is representing Israel in the skeleton, which is a brutal dilemma for a Jewish parent, because on one hand you definitely want them to be successful and famous and the best in the world at something on the other hand You would prefer not to be like hilariously dangerous If Moses are that way down the mountain who knows what would happen? Skeletons one of those sports that I'm definitely supporting but you couldn't pay me to actually watch it, you know

Like unless you've got a pro-lapse that needs cringing to retract you know, like unless you've got a pro-lapse that needs cringing to retract. He just... Right. Are you a qualified doctor? Oh, my brother is a doctor of law. Right. Just passed his fiver. So I think I probably counts. Yeah, that does. Let me do surgery now Andy. Anu Vab is the Winter Olympics big news in India, a nation with not the most glorious of Olympic

Olympic records. We've got one guy and we're sending one guy. Right. This is not even a joke. His name is Shiva Kishivan. He's taking part in Lush. He's built his own He's taking part in Looge. He's built his own Frozen little Looge practice area in India. He's been all over the news because We were all worried as to how he found all that snow and he managed to keep it frozen It's really the Indian summer, but but most of all nobody in Indian knows what Looge is So they thought he was a crazy guy Sliding down an ice rack wearing a helmet, and he was probably mentally unstable.

I mean it is about time for there to be a gritty reboot of cool runnings. Well, yeah, there is. So we've got Shiva Kesheven, you know, he's the various world headlines say that he's India's lone resilient Luz champion. I don't know what that means because he's competed with exactly zero people in India. But we've sent him, you know, we've sent him, he's cold and ready. You know, I hear that in the Olympics people send teams, but look, I think once a start, I always feel one is a start. Look out for him, Shiva Keshevin, he's going to lose it up over there in Pune Chang. you