The Bugle - Bonus Bugle – Some Andy and John classics

Episode Date: August 5, 2018

Andy and John on with some classic US political moments from Bugle past, plus an Australian on a whale.With@HelloBuglers@IAmJohnOliver@ProducerChrisPlease help keep this nonsense going and donate: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello and welcome to Bugle 4,076 sub-episode. Be this is part two of our three parts summer break. This week we're going to delve into the archives.

The next full bugle will be 4,077, a number which is considered lucky in absolutely no cultures. However, we are going to delve into the archives and look at classic bugle episodes which ended in the numbers 7 and 7. There are 3 of those, 77, 77 and let me think 277. And also, in bugles that began and ended in 4 and 7 without any other numbers more than 0 in between. So that's 47 and 47 so there are five shows to pick the best drum. Away you go. Bugle 47.

Top story this week and the VP debate. I was at the VP debate last night and it was the most anticipated debate of all. Now, why would that be, seeing as the VP debate is historically an utterly meaningless charade? Well, it was largely due to the fact that Fox and other channels described it as a potentially gaff-filled gaff-fest.

That was Fox specifically, a gaff-filled gaff-fest, which led to this atmosphere of people anticipating a mixture of ultimate fighting championship of the Hindenburg. And did it live up to that John? Well, it's hard to say, Andy, it depends what you judge these things. I mean, in terms of flagpins, I don't know if you noticed, there was absolutely no contest. It was palying all the way. Herse was bigger than Biden's, a lot shinier than Biden, and quite a lot more flamboyant than Biden's. If you judge a vice president by their flag pin and incredibly,

some people do here, then it was Pailin's night, Andy, all the way. I had a particularly awkward moment in the spin room afterwards, Andy Wendell, Fred Thompson, the ex-presidential candidate and current actor, said, Those who make fun of Sarah Pylin should be absolutely ashamed of themselves if indeed they have the capacity for shame. And then he and everyone around him turned and looked at me. I don't have the capacity for shame. Certainly it's not lighted off to include any of my behaviour surrounding that.

What I was fascinated by John was it only took Sarah Paling 15 seconds of her first answer to talk about sport. Mentioning a kid soccer game saying if you turn to parents, on the touch on a kid soccer game and ask how they feel about the economy, I betcha, quotes, you're going to hear some fear in that parent's voice. Well no, Governor Paling're not gonna hear fear what you're gonna hear is annoyance You're probably gonna hear them say but out of it governor Paling I'm watching my kid playing football Knock it long son knock it long. What do you mean how do I feel about the economy? Hey ref ref you blind ref what now? Yeah, I'm a bit worried about it

I don't fully understand these you for fuck take Jimmy kick the Mador ball either will do. Ref, ref, okay, I'll vote for you now, Petal. Please leave me alone. Offside, ref, that's what Sarah Palin would hear, were she to ask someone on the touch on of a kid's foot, much about the economy. She did use her and extremely,

let's say irritatingly, folksy style and they're using expressions like dog on it and saying at all point are saying ain't so Joe she wasn't just like a folksy candidate she was more like a folksy child in fact I'll only take folksiness like that from a candidate if they're a candidate from the 1920s at one point she said of oil company CEOs bless their hearts what hearts actually what hearts is she referring to? The all-nates rusty cages in their chest cavities that house long dead canaries. Did she mean those? I'm nauseated even repeating this. Joe Sixpacks and hockey bombs across the

country that they need to say never again to Wall Street chiefs. So it's no from pulling to another economic Holocaust. What a lovely reference to bring up. Also, she kept banging on about John McCain being a maverick, which is that necessarily quality that America seeks in its presidents? I think perhaps she'd been watching too many films, perhaps those cop films were their mavericks, but they get results. Or perhaps even Tom Cruise in Top Gun as Maverick. And he really flew on instinct

and wasn't really concerned about the mechanical aspect of how the aircraft works, which to me would mock him out as a dodgy president to have, although I would want Kelly Miggilus as my first lady. But he wasn't really what you call bipartisan. I mean, you think about the atmosphere in that changing room with Iceman. It was either angry or extremely homoerotic and possibly both. That's kind of like George Bush's relationship with Armadino. It's true.

It's true. They both got oil chests. It just played the I'm not a politician card, pretty hard and pretty often, almost like she had a whole pack of those cards and not many other cards. I don't really understand this desire to have someone like you representing you in politics. That seems to be her appeal. Because, you know, when I look at politicians, Sean, I want someone who is completely unlike me.

I want someone who has cleverer, better informed, more highly motivated, less prone to be distracted by finding a new sport to watch on television, who doesn't fall asleep on the sofa in the afternoon, who doesn't take Tuesday afternoons off to play football, who knows what he's doing and who doesn't have a congenital inability to take things seriously. I want someone the polar opposite of me in politics. I want not to be able to relate to them on any level. Can you just remind me, John, where is Sarah Palin governor of? Alaskar Andy.

No, tell me yourself, John. You must know, I mean, come on, there's no need to ask her. Talk me through how you're feeling about yourself in the Northern Andy. Just to kind of instinctive emotions that are flooding through that. Just warmth emanating from the very core of my comedic being. Are you sure that's a a warp than not a burning. Bugle, 77. political cryptidites, all of a sudden became an astonishingly useful tool. Now this speech was designed to reach out to the world's 1.5 billion Muslims and the eyes of the world were truly on him. Incidentally, that prime advertising space right there, Andy.

He must have had offers, very attractive offers. Just a pause mid speech and maybe take a bite of a snickers bar. So pardon me, it's just this bar really satisfies. Or maybe gone just last week I was listening to the bugle, man. Listen, it wasn't for one to be mailing, and maybe could have taken a drink before holding it up and smiling awkwardly to the audience. But you know, in his defense he didn't do that. He began his journey in Saudi Arabia, and before he'd even landed, everyone's favourite giant kidney

patients, Bin Laden, opted to release his latest audio tape. He hasn't had one after three months, so clearly he's been some creative clashes in the studio. Hottie anticipated this Andy was hoping it might signal a change of direction for the big lad, maybe some strings backing him or some more experimental sounds that you've been working on, but no. No one's again, he's just sticking to the formula that got him famous, just one man talking some hateful shit into a microphone.

Don't overthink it, Andy, that's been the motto for his entire life. It's gonna like the ISIS of international terrorists. Don't overthink it. He argued that a Obama is continuing, Bush's policy of antagonizing Muslim, but he's gonna have to come up with some better stuff than that now.

He's been able to sit back for the last eight years and let Bush show the seeds of anti-Americanism around the world, but now he's gonna have to get off his bony ass and make a case that is better than, oh, just listen to what that Texan lunatic who isn't actually a Texan is saying. And in this message he said, a barman in the administration have some new seeds of hatred against America that the American people have prepared to harvest the crops of what the leaders

of the White House plant in the next blah blah blah blah blah blah he has completely run out of ideas. It's like doing a cover version of Christopher Burgs don't Play the Fairy Man. The original was already terrible. You've managed to make it worse. It was a very striking speech, John. A particular enjoy at the moment at the start when there was obviously quite a large reception, but certainly on the feed I was watching there.

There was no audio coming through from the crowd, and a bomb was standing there just going, thank you. Thank you. really sounded ironic. That would have been great. We'd already had that planned out and just not have to do it anyway. It's an absolute silence. We'll add the applause in later. Thank you.

I love you too. Well, you complain about Ben Laden having the same stick over and over again, but all I heard from a bomb was the same old freedom, justice, peace, hope, bicycle, you know, shawjale, disk. We've heard it all before. There was instance, engineered controversy, Andy, when a barn was first landed, when he met King of Dualer of Saudi Arabia, as the American President waited whether or not he was going to

bout to him. Now he'd apparently bout when they two men met at the G20, then the White House insisted. I like this excuse. He was actually just shaking hands with a different shorter man. It's just say he dropped his keys. Come on.

The other sticking point was that he'd said, Shukran after the initial meeting, the Arabic for thank you. And apparently that was tantamount to nearly on the Arabic for thank you. And apparently that was tantamounts and nearly on the floor and begging for mercy. Is that really a shocking gesture? Or is that just above the base level of politeness and what you would think would be the minimum level

of diplomacy? He actually got to stay on the King's horse farm, Andy Abum, where the King keeps 260 Arabian horses in air conditioned comfort. Horses do not need air conditioningconditioning Andy. I'll tell you why, because they're p***** horses. I don't know John, you know if you're all over somebody tasty, eventually you've got to keep them well. Oh it's alright, they're not good for much more than stewing. But I was very careful to lower expectations, saying one speech is not going to solve all the problems of the Middle East. Expectations should be somewhat modest. Well, too late, Andy. And also, it's not entirely true.

This may well be the biggest opportunity in our lifetimes for anyone helping over there. An American president with Muslim connections in power will probably never see such scenes of excitement greeting a US president's arrival people shouted I love you during your speech It was like he was like he was one of the osmons about to launch a rendition of puppy love One of the osmons who my kidding Andy it would be Donnie There'd be a riot if anyone else tried to pull that off. Yeah I've seen a tattoo on your back. You're a big fan like he's so likable Street vendors were even selling souvenirs. And if you

saw those, this one plaque that it said Obama, the new Tutankarbon of the world. Presumably, they want to pull his brains out through his nose and bury him with his cats. How Obama, you know, he did challenge Muslim worlds quite a bit during the speech, and particularly on the subject of women's rights, John, which clearly a big issue around the world. And I think, you know, we're in a bugle, we need to look at ourselves here because we're not really an equal opportunity to employ when it comes to gender equality. And I think we're going to represent the world that we purport to represent in this podcast. Then one of us is going to have to be a woman or each of us is going to have to be half a woman. And what? It's more than that, Andy. One of us to have to be a woman or each of us is going to have to be half a woman and what it's more than that

Andy one of us would have to be a woman and the other one would have to be one percent woman all right well I'm already that I'm prepared to act a farmer told people of the world we have to act it's not just up to politicians up to the people and well I'm prepared to act Tom can you pass my mini chainsaw please? Uh oh, Andy think this through. Ouch! Well, it's a start. Tune in next week for the official unveiling of John's Hooters. Bug, 177. Can you feel it in the air? Can you feel it in your balls?

Can you feel it in that six-ensation in the pit of your stomach? The US presidential election is finally upon us! Come with me, and you'll be in a world of purest desperation. What you'll see will defy explanation. Thanks John. I just can't have the new year with a new another vocal audition. There's nothing better than wankering your way into a new year. And barely had the new year been blasted in in a series of spectacular fireworks displays that very few nations on Earth can technically afford at the moment. Barely had the ball descended in Times Square onto a crowd of people thinking, there are

way too many people here. This was a terrible idea, not even Lady Gaga was worth this. Barely had any of that happened. That the people of Iowa stepped up to usher in the presidential primary season. Now, if you're not familiar with US politics, you might think, who gives a shit about Iowa? And you'd be right to ask that.

That's a rock solid, entirely understandable question. Unfortunately, the answer is that almost the entire country of America does care about Iowa for one day every four years. And if you lived here at all, or even for some of your life, you were lost at the question, should actually be phrased, why does anyone give a shit about Iowa? And the answer is that there is no reason, no logical reason at all. They are technically the first primary, and that is it. That is literally all they have to offer. That is all those corn balls bring to the table. That's a folksy system of

caucus voting where you can turn up to a neighbour's house and discuss who you're going to vote for before writing a name on a piece of paper and having it counted by local volunteer. It's so steeped in old fashioned Americana, Andy, that it couldn't be any more wholesome if Huckleberry Finn turned up with an apple pie and started dropping the N word. Of course, I have a very appropriate place to start, so I'll explain these tough economic times of states named after the reaction of most Americans when looking at their personal finances. I.O. What?

And sorry, unexpected results, simply from Rick Santorum, who I have to confess I wasn't I don't have that many posters of them up around my house, but maybe I have to invest in some. It was described as a Cinderella story by the I.O. or Secretary of Strait Matt Schultz. And I guess that is, right, in the sense that the literature for the entire campaign might as well have been written hundreds of years ago. The first two primaries of Iowa and New Hampshire also forced the candidates to interact closely with local people, something that candidates claim to love doing, but which their faces suggest might not be the case?

Because whenever you see Mitt Romney in a diner, trying both desperately and unsuccessfully to pretend that he has several hundred million dollars less than he actually has, and then you see him being forced to make painful small talk with a group of old people eating pancakes, you can clearly see it's always pleading somebody, anybody, get me away from these peasants. I think one of them may have just touched my tie. Please burn it as soon as we get out of this God for sake and trough. Romney always burst into diners in the same way. And he kind of waddles in with a four smile on his face, attempting a folksy, wow, wait, what have we got here he literally says that he keeps walking

into dinosaur what have we got here but there's part of you that's always thinking that he's actually asking that for real what have we got here what on earth am I looking at who are these people of what are they doing to people really live like this how many more of these human pigs do I have to touch before I could be president? Please don't say it's more than five. Mayor Romney is the clear front runner to be the nominee of a party that seems it can't stand him, which is why it was somehow fitting that he won the Iowa Caucus with a landslide majority of eight votes. The actual number eight, the one between seven and nine. He won by eight votes, proving that it is technically mathematically possible to both win and lose

at the same time. It was close Andy, so close that one commentator referred to the results as, and I quote, tighter than a YouTube sock on a cow, which is both beautifully put and completely meaningless, Andy. In fact, you could have said it. And I don't know what, higher praise and more withering insult, even give a sentence than that. I'm touched and offended. But Santoram has sent some slightly odd things in the past. According to one report, I read

that he achieved national notoriety by claiming that a homosexual marriage would lead to bestiality and child rape. That's correct. I mean, I guess, I mean, let's not judge him on that, because we don't know whether or not that's true and we won't know until the end of all time. Right. Or we can tie everything up and work out what led to what. He also claimed that Jesus led to the Holocaust on the same reasoning. Now, I'm not saying that he did. I'm just saying Jesus did not come out as strongly against it at the time as he might have done, or at least some of his senior spokesmen didn't. Centurum summed up his position on homosexual marriage, but saying this, God made man and women and men and women come together to have a union to produce children, which keeps civilisation going and provide the best environment for children to be raised.

Which is the kind of sentence that basically makes absolutely no sense when you're actually analysing the words in it. But I think you'll also find that it is adults that keep civilisation going, not children. I mean, not all adults, but some adults. If children had their wage on, civilisation would be replaced by balloons, fairies, jelly and cartoons about robots. It is, I mean, it is depressing the campaign trail Andy, but only if you pay attention to it. If you don't, it's actually fine. Oh, all right, that's good. A bit of Romney spent over four and a half million dollars in Iowa alone to get 25% of the vote at around $156 per vote, which seems like a lot, especially in this economy.

In fact, Romney could probably have just handed each Iowa voter $100 each for their vote and saved a fortune. Perhaps he's not quite as good with money as he claims. What did Santorum spend? He spent slightly less than that, I believe. The same number of votes minus eight. Yes, exactly. As the Republicans embark upon the infantile circus of state primaries to determine a candidate. It might be good time for us all to look back and be grateful to the Grand Old Party for the smog as board of crazy candidates that they put on offer. In a time of economic uncertainty, the Republicans saw America suffering

and they stepped up with a tasting menu of bad shittery for every palette. You don't have to vote for any of the candidates, but you do have to enjoy them. That is your responsibility as a human being. We were lucky to have Herman Cain run for president for as long as he did, not in your wildest dreams or most vivid nightmares, because you've thought that a Godfather's Pizza CEO would have the self-confidence to run

for the highest office in the land, but Herman did. And not only did he do that, but he did it with a series of sex scandals in his past that he just presumed wouldn't come up. Oh, and he also said, Andy, in response to a relatively open question from a journalist about his response to gotcha questions, he said, and I quote, well, when they ask me who the president of Uzbek-E-Becky-Stan Stan is, I'm going to say, you know what, I don't know, do you know? And, you know what, Andy, I have to admit, I don't, I don't know the president of Uzbek-E-Becky-Stan Stan. I know that the president of Uzbek-E-Stan is, Islam Karimov. So, and I'm only guessing here, the president of his Becky Becky Stan Stan,

might be Islam carry carrymorph morph, but I could be wrong. I could be wrong, Andy, and I'm barricaded, I've never actually heard of the country that he mentioned, but then I'm not running for president. Bughal 277 An Australian man decided to surf a dead whale while sharks were circling around it. He jumped off a boat, climbed onto the whale and started surfing on it. There's only one even potentially stupid thing to do, Andy, and that is to attach small wheels to the front and back of the whale and skateboard that dead whale instead. But it was all worth it, if just for this single detail from one Australian news report

which said, and I quote, a 26 year old Australian man who risked his life by diving into shark infested waters to climb onto a rotting whale carcass has confessed that even his parents think he's an idiot. Do you know what? I might be ready to call it Andy. I think that could be my favourite sentence ever added in English language.

Shakespeare could not have imagined that. Let's just recap that again. A 26 year old Australian man who risked his life by diving into shark infested waters to climb onto a rotting whale carcass has confessed that even his parents think he's an idiot. There's so much going on in that sentence, Andy. There's a dead whale.

There's shark-infested waters. There's an idiot. There's surfing, and there's a shamed parents. That sentence is like a 34-word novel. LAUGHTER It's like a sequel to Hamlet, but more so. George Mallory, the early 20th century British mountaineer, was famously asked, why do you want to climb Mount Everest and he replied because it's there. And I guess this Australian

guy, Harrison Williams, applied very similar logic when presented with a dead whale carcass. Why do you want to climb on a dead whale carcass and surf it was surrounded by hungry looking shark because it's there and because my mates are watching and I think it'd have been pretty funny. Oh, you know what Andy? I'm glad he did it. And you know, I also, I hate to hop on about this, but the only way it could have been better, a cape, Andy, because a man surfing a dead whale on his own is irresponsible. A man surfing a whale car goes on his own in a cape. That man is going somewhere in life. Now, he may be going inside a rotten whale

or inside the stomach of a shark, but the point is he's going somewhere. LAUGHTER Carl Wallander from the Wallander family is something he said. Being on the tightrope is living. Everything else is waiting. And once again, I guess Harrison Williams might think surfing a dead whale carcass while surrounded by shark

is living. Everything else is waiting to tell my buddies I just surfed on a dead whale carcass while surrounded by sharks. He did miss an opportunity though, John, to climb on the whale and start giving it CPS. I think that would have been a lovely gesture. This, with half of its side already eaten off by sharks.

Some gesture from humanity to the beleaguered whale community, which has suffered so much, the slings, arrows, and harpoons of outrageous fortune, stroke the Japanese fishing fleet. That's the point, because as you say, even while he was doing it, Andy, there were several tiger sharks and a great white shark circling the whale but he said he did not feel in danger saying the sharks were too busy chomping on the whale so it wasn't too

bad. But unfortunately that was the dead whale that you were surfing on you glorious f**king idiot. Well we do hope you enjoyed that journey into the happy history of humanity. There'll be more from the archives next week. Don't forget to book your tickets to the Edinburgh shows of me and my Bugle co-hosts, details online. Couple of live Bugle shows in Edinburgh the 15th and the 22nd also some shows in London coming up to the 13th of September and 14th of November at the Leicester Square Theatre. And there are still a few tickets left for Sofford on the 7th of October.

And I'm hoping to be able to announce very shortly a live-buele in Dublin on the 8th of October. I'm not sure that's 100% confirmed, but hopefully it is. So do check, I'm recording this a couple of weeks before it goes out. So by then either it will have been confirmed or it won't be happening, so do check. I'm recording this a couple of weeks before it goes out, so by then either it would have been confirmed or it won't be happening, but do check. Until next time, goodbye. If you've enjoyed the Bugle and would like to support the show,

please click the donate button on the Bugle website. Thanks! If you've enjoyed the Bugle and would like to support the show, please click the donate button on the Bugle website. Thanks!