The Bugle - Bonus Bugle – Space Gravy

Episode Date: April 28, 2018

Andy introduces some classic moments in history plus some recently held back live moments including the best space story of all time.With@HelloBuglers@IAmJohnOliver@Aliterative@phlaimeaux@TomCBallard@awryaditi@TomEdwardWright@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugles! I am renowned Bugle co-host Andy Zoltzmann, and I am very disappointed to report that I am further away from the British throne than I was last time I spoke to you. Welcome to Bugle 466 sub-episode I for I Tell You Something.

The Bugle is coming to America not only for the radio topia tour, to which an extra New York date has been added in Brooklyn on the 10th of May, but also for three live bugle shows in San Francisco, Portland and Seattle on the 15th, 17th and 19th of May, more details to follow later in the show and that is the longest ever sub-episode title in the history of this proud podcasting franchise. Of course there is no real need for a full bugle this week anyway because the Korean crisis is over. Hooray and everyone is going to live everywhere in absolutely all manner of peace and harmony for ever more literally pieces and harmonies pinging off in all directions across the world. Do be careful if you're out and about. You catch one of those

full in the face and you might actually become too peaceful and or harmonious or harmonious for the rest of your life. So instead we are going to delve backwards in time to that cursed pre-eternal piece period of just a few days ago, for some more choice chunks from the Bugle live shows at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and even further back, in our latest instalments of what the hell was going on X years ago, precisely, where X is a number less than or equal to the number of years the bugle has now existed. Let's start where X equals 10 and go back to 2008 and bugle 26. There was a world food crisis going on then.

Any guesses which social group was the worst affected by that crisis? Was it A, the rich, or B, the poor? Let's find out. The head of the UN World Food Program this week described the current global food shortages as a silent tsunami which knows no borders sweeping the world. That is a beautifully articulated and deeply depressing point. I'm afraid it's not true for this tsunami is a clear respecter of borders proven by the fact that whilst countries around the developing world are rioting in the streets in the face of malnutrition

and hunger, we've only recently started to pay attention because peaches just got a bit more expensive. Food could actually soon be a thing of the past. In Britain, the family food shop has gone up 15 pounds a week on average. And let's not forget, John, here in Britain, we don't get tasty tidbits, air drops on us like the starving Africans do. That's true. And yet you don't see journalists reporting about that, don't you?

No, you don't. Coster's gone up 40% worldwide since mid-2007, and they have been these rights and protests in Cameroon, Bikina Faso, Haiti, Egypt, many other countries that the West would love to care about, but just can't. We've got a lot on our mind at the moment. We'll get round to it. The neediness is a real turn off though.

Avo Morales, the president of Bolivia, are also issued warnings about the current expansion of biofuels which convert cereals into fuel. And could this be the biggest f*** you yet for the developing world? Not only have we gourged ourselves to morbidly obese levels, now we are burning food as well. Ethnoproduction is on course to account for some 30% of the US maize crop by 2010, dramatically curtailing the amount of land available for food crops. We would rather have fuel than food. People will go to restaurants in the future to have their meal set on fire in front of them. Then they'll just sit back with a napkin in their lap, watch it burn, pronounce it delicious, tip the waiter and leave. I mean, I don't understand why this is a

problem. John, you would have thought that a in an era where the world population is soaring upwards and you know the pressure on global food production is increasing, that's using a large chunk of the world's agricultural lands to make stuff for our cars. You'd thought that would be fine, but the bottom line is, someone has got the math wrong. My theory is though that's the world's poor as always are copying it right in the natures. But they must have developed an immunity to it by now. Surely, I mean, we spent the last two and a half thousand years lining them up against the wall, running straight at them, and flacking them in the plums or the cricket mat. Surely, they can barely even feel anything now. These people don't need food. They don't

need food. And if we can just starve off the excess 30% who use a disproportionate 1% of the food and energy of the world, then, you know, no one would have a problem. Is that wrong? We might need a running translation for any American listens there as to what nudges and problems refer to. So, to be honest, I think you can probably guess. The truth is, Andy, it's not the old saying goes, you reap what you sow. And when you sow the seeds of global inequality, don't act surprised with what sprouts up come half this time. Also, John, I don't see why it should always be us in the West that has to change our

behaviour. Why should it be us that has to use these renewable energies instead of food-based car fuel? Why can't the poor people of the world learn to eat the wind and the sun? That's not unreasonable. There have been rice riots around the world. Who would have thought John that rice would be so popular? I've always found it a bit dull as a staple.

I mean, I could live without rice, but it turns out the people of Haiti and the Philippines are fussy at eaters than me. If there are people now illegally hoarding rice in the Philippines to fussy at eaters than me. If there are people now illegally hoarding rice in the Philippines to force the price up, so rice really has become the new gold. Rappers are going to start waving packets of rice around in their videos. Stripcubs are going to be full of businessmen,

emptying rice into the G-strings of lap dancers. Mo rice, mo problems Andy, it's like the Wutan clan nearly said, rice rules everything around me. And at the Olympics, at the Olympics in Beijing this year, all winning confessors will merely have a risotto poured over their heads. That was 2008. Let's pop forward to 2018 and just a few days ago in Melbourne the bugle live featuring Tom Ballard and a DT Mittle

We're gonna do we're gonna do all mate in space sir. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, so um well, I'll mate in space Why do you want to tip the joke? Okay, well, so a DT will you will you talk us to this crucial breakthrough for the future of our great species. As the sperm correspondent of the show, there has been the launch of SpaceX's Dragon Cargo Craft that sent frozen human and bullsperm to the International Space Station to see how weightlessness affects the little swimmers. And this is really cool. I think this is, like I can't wait for this to be a success, because this is going to be like the wank that saved humanity. That is a hit.

That is going to be nightly. Nightly, maybe seen you. I can see that as a filming release next to Anzac Day. Oh, I get released. Oh, I get it now. No, no, no, no, that was not that kind of show. I get it now. I think I'm also thrilled. I think this is the ultimate answer to every time a guy, like you're having sex with him and he's like, where do I go? I'm like outer species.

I think this is terrible. Is it a man and bullspurm going to space? Is why we should have gay marriage people just like we slow. All I'm hearing there is space minor thought. Uncle, we were dad. Shouldn't they send like an egg or two in the space to check? Maybe. That is feminism gone mad. LAUGHTER Step by step. This is also depressing for me.

I've had a boyfriend for ages. It's very depressing when you learn that space is getting more man gravy than you are. LAUGHTER I just think it's like a shitty experiment made up to like, to punish the least popular member of NASA scientists. Like, shut up Jeremy! No one likes you! You're on Space Gis-Judy! Go away! This is like imagine like going to astronaut school for how many of a decade and then having a window to the universe open to you and you're looking at some dudes' gizzlets and you're like, this is so sad, you know.

Imagine being on the station and getting a delivery, go, oh! Oh, what could it be? A message from a loved one, a magazine, my favorite treat from Earth? No, no. Some spunk and obulges. Best of luck with everything up here, guys, particularly in zero gravity. One small step for man.

In space no one can hear you come. Well I want him back everybody with some... Good old fashioned gizm gear right how are we doing for time now Tom still disastrous I think it's has been since I've been involved with this franchise since October 2007 you've been overrunning shut up Tom you're on Smashes duty! LAUGHTER Is that what the shampoo was? Yes, you're right. Very good for your hair.

Support for the bugle is brought to you by SimplySafe. Home security, done right. Do you like being secure in your home? Yes, me too. It's a lot of fun, isn't it? SimplySafe is home security you will actually want and if you hold the kind of deep state info this show does you'll really need. It's thoughtful design and tiny sensors, me and your home is protected and you'll never notice simply safe is even there. There are no contracts, I repeat, no contracts, learn

more about how simply safe can help you protect your home. Go to simplysafe.com. slash bugle. Simplysafe.com slash bugle. Well, it's 2010s turn now and bugle 113, which chronicles the final week without a Tory government in the entire history of the United Kingdom so far, hopefully. But also, thankfully. Top story this week, count down to Voter Geden. British democracy is back from the dead, Andy. That is for sure. It's punched its way out of the grave like Umat Thurman in Killville,

and it's now wandering the streets more powerful than ever, or at least more powerful than any time in the last 10 years. Where once the field was that turnout could be around 50% now surely, we can dare to dream that two and three people may actually vote. I'll tell you what we have to thank for this Andy. The same thing we have to thank for game shows and omelette whisk infomercials, television. Who'd have thought the TV debates would have shaken British democracy

towards extremely dusty foundations. All three leaders are basically in favour of getting the economy moving, which is good, I guess. Right. So it looks like that crosses is going to be averted whoever wins. They don't really like each other, that much came across. And they're also not afraid of repeating stuff. They've said over and over again, word for word until the nation just gives in and votes. And Cameron has been criticized for crapping on kind of nebulously about change a bit too much in this campaign and to be fair he did reign himself in a bit last night change was only the eleventh word that he said so he held it back quite a lot longer than usual and he also pulled off a clever

subliminal trick to emphasize the need for change by doing a rapid off screen costume change between each question. Although, um, he didn't really notice it because he changed into 12 versions of the same suit and tie that he'd been wearing at the start. So the change was barely perceptible. Did that reveal something, John? No, because it didn't happen. But if it had happened, it might have revealed something. And that's, that's the most important thing to remember. Now, Gordon Brown has had an undeniable bad week, culminating in being overheard on a live microphone, calling an old lady, a bigot, having just had a conversation with her,

that suggested nothing of the sort. Now, calling a member of the electorate, a lifelong labor voter, no less, a bigot, is probably even worse than when John Prescott actually punched a voter in the face. It's even worse than that. The thing is that in isolation probably isn't that terrible. It's just that it plays into a widely held belief that Gordon Brown hates people. Now if he doesn't hate them he certainly has an active dislike for them. He'd have been a great 19th century politician handy

when you could govern from a wood paneled room with a fireplace in it and you never had to touch any peasants. That's right. Well, he has been handicapped in this campaign by things like the invention of television and the invention of photography and the development of human speech. And they've all kind of conspired against him and he struggled to convey his very important message of yes, we're f**ked, but will we even more f**ked if you vote for these losers. And he was pretty unlucky with this big ats comment John because someone forgot to switch his microphone off.

He was probably winding down a bit annoyed after the last 50 odd years of his life. And it just came out and the press were all over it, John, because I mean, you know, it wasn't that, it wasn't that important, you know, it was, it was the press, but the press were all over it, like human skin on a cannibal's birthday cake. And why was this, John? Why were the press so obsessive that I'll tell you why? Because it all, it was a faux pas caused by someone's forgetting to switch the microphone off. And I'm sure all politicians say that in what they think is a privacy of their own massive limousine. But the press loved it because it meant they could basically

not do their f***ing job for a couple of days and just crap on about this comment. But Brown should have dealt with the better, he should have had more balls, he should have said yes I did call her a bigot and I stand by that, she is a bigot and I meant that as a compliment Britain was built on the powers of bigotry It's what drove our empire. It's part of our shared birthright in this country Groundless and ill-informed prejudice that clouds the harsh realities of reality And I appeal to all bigots of all bigotipous wagons So you night behind me and the Labour Party and we were a represent each of your bigotry to the best of our ability Oh god, I'm too enough.

But didn't say that, what he actually said was, oh, f***, shitbags, that is all I need. Didn't say that out loud, but he did say it with his face. Yeah, going around, I actually spent 45 minutes in the house of Mrs. Duffy, the lady, he called the bigger. And I would really love to hear those tapes, Andy. I really think he was probably just trying to convince her to say something racist because all he needed was for her to actually prove him right. I'm very laid on pretty thick please, please Mrs. Duffy, it can be about the Chinese, just something. If you're really a Labour supporter, you do this for me, please, I need this, I'm in a bad way. Or it might have spent 30 of those 45 minutes upstairs in her bathroom

Trying to draw swastikers on things. Oh, what's this? This is definitely a swastik I engraved in your soap pretty big at the back. Don't you think you just did that Gordon? You've got soap under your fingernails Oh please say something racist. I'm f***ing He said something racist. I'm f***ing... Ha ha ha. ["Fast and Furious"] Let's pop forward 10 years to this year and just a couple of weeks ago in Melbourne,

the Bugle Live, featuring Alice Fraser and David O'Dockety. Let's move on to a nuts rage sister. Now this is a fantastic, fantastic headline. Yeah, part of the joy of doing this show is reading the news, which to be honest, I try to avoid in my day-to-day life. But apart from the depressing reality of news as a product whose main job is to sell you on the need for more news, there are some great headlines, and this is one, and I want you guys to guess what it pertains to. The headline is simply this, not-raged sister apologizes for tantrum. Right, did someone steal all the macadamias in the conference?

No, of course. No. It was macadamias. David? Um, was, you know the way you see a car sometimes shaped like roller skates, was there a car shaped like a huge walnut and someone was driving and got angry and jumped out? You know what? Yes. Was it? Because I also heard that the nut-raged sisters were a radical feminist group in 1830s New York, who would cast right worris in gentlemen and replace their gonads

with walnuts. Another ball tamper in crisis. So what? South Korean police launched an inquiry into the system of Korean airs infamous Nudray Jaires. Again, I'm not explained. On Friday over claims that she held water into a man's face during a business meeting. So these are two sisters, one of whom, the elder, Cho, made global headlines in 2014

when she angrily kicked a cabin crew member off a plane, presumably when it was on the ground, after being served, Maccadamian, that's in a bag rather than a bowl. Right. Well, I mean, you've got to draw a line somewhere, haven't you? I'm not a new sister of Suffolk enough. Is this some kind of branch of the Me Too campaign? What is how many of this? It's good to be passionate about things you truly believe in, whether that's the future of humanity or the best way to serve a macadamia nut.

Also, tales of really, past people losing their... Let's do a little quick bit to the Commonwealth. Can you get it back to the Commonwealth Games bit? So have you been enjoying the Commonwealth Games here in Australia? No, I mean, I think it's a lovely event, because clearly speaking as a British person, during the course of our Imperial history, yn ymdyn yw'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ysgwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ygwyrddio'r ygwyr What, it's like, what? Move it on. Can you just move on to the next step? I mean, really, I probably should have practiced this

a little bit more. Tim, I got so excited that finally learning to use PowerPoint. Can you go? Yeah, yeah. It's crashed now. Awesome. Ah, what? Right.

But I think we've seen the amazing influence of technology in sport. Because, oh, we bought that back. There we go. I think we've seen the amazing influence of technology in sport because... LAUGHTER Oh, we bought that back, there we go, shoot the plans. LAUGHTER Right. Could you address your concerns to the ABCIT department? There we are.

Yeah, it was a little Commonwealth Games graphic for you there. Just click it on Tom. a ffwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Commonwealth. And shows, now amazing technology available now, they've managed to show the entire Commonwealth games and edit out anyone not wearing yellow. It's been absolutely sensational technology. David is an island just missed out on qualification I think. Yeah, having left the Commonwealth in 1948. We've had a lot of that. Yeah, I mean, it feels good.

I've post-colonial country. You know, we don't have the little thing in the top left-hand corner of our flag. I don't, I'm here, but I'm not, you know? I see the red man. I just see the queen there. I'm not waiting for you to change. I just walk across the road.

Sure I nearly get hit by stuff, but I'm making a point. Ha ha ha. So back to the present day. And the end of global war seems a really nice thing for everyone. And a good opportunity to tell you about the very, very impending Bugle jaunt to America. From the 7th to the 13th of May, Helen Zlatzlam, Dora Penazalzalzalzman, and I will be part of the fantastic radio topia live tour. Coming to, and I will be part of the fantastic Radio Topia Live tour. Coming to, have you got your pens at the ready? At Lanter, Durham, Washington, DC, Brooklyn, New York, and Boston, RadioTopia.fm, slash

live, for tickets and information. And then, Trumpets, please. Thank you. The Bugle Live will be twanging its way west. For the first ever American shows of what is the only and my favourite live audience version of this podcast. The Bugle Live. We are at Cubs Comedy Club in San Francisco on 15th May, the Alberta Rose in Portland on 17th May and then the Neptune in Seattle on the 19th. Then I'm toadling off home. Do please come along, appearing live with me will

be Helen, plus live via video link up thanks to the benevolent witchcraftery of the internet, the wonderful Alice Fraser. Before that if you're listening in New Zealand or going there pretty damn soon or in the recent past depending on when you're listening to this, I'll be doing my right questions wrong answer show in Wellington on Monday the 30th of April, and then Auckland on Tuesday and Wednesday the 1st and 2nd of May details at the New Zealand Comedy Festival website. Thanks to everyone who came to see the show in Melbourne and Sydney and to everyone who will come to see the show in future at the Edinburgh Festival from the 15th to the 26th of August. There are more bugle live shows in London at the other belly on the 5th of June and the 10th of July and in Edinburgh on the 15th and 22nd of August.

Enough plugging, let's play you out with something from around this time of year in 2012 shortly after the death of one very very naughty man indeed Happy death of usery and Look, I'm sure that there were some people who forgot and the undeads really had to run to the shop on their way home to get a sad bunch of wilting flowers But this week was the one year anniversary of Bin Laden getting shot in the face. And what a happy day it was. And he one of the best uses for high-velocity-pointy metal that humanity has ever had. It is amazing to me that the greetings card industry left this anniversary alone. They've managed to commercialize almost

every other course for celebration. And the fact that it was not a one-year assassination anniversary line of cards is a little confusing to me. It barely seems 12 months ago that we were glad to see him go. We really found the perfect place to put that bullet in that face. We always him the worst of health wanted so much for him to go f**king himself. And now he's gone, the world is better. And I thought I'd write you this letter for 12 months ago together we said, Ding Dong the douche is dead.

Happy birthday to mom. No, I don't know how you chose to celebrate. Andy, I know that many people here how you chose to celebrate, Andy. I know that many people here in America chose to head down to SeaWorld in Florida to see a recreation of the daring operation by their incredible SEAL Team 6. It's basically six SEALs in night vision goggles, Andy, with plastic machine guns, storming an inflatable version

of the Abadabad compound that's floating in the middle of their pool. And they use their guns to shoot soccer darts at another seal wearing a long beard. It's incredible. They are the best there is. So it's become quite a political event as well. Understand your presence has been accused of milking it. Yeah. somewhat. Bin Laden is dead, general motors is alive, I believe that has been the democrat's line on this. I guess on the flip side,

you could say that also under Obama's watch, Gulf legend, Sevy Ballastiros is dead, but Fox News is still alive. So, you're right. You're right. You're right. Both way, sure. Gaddafi is dead and Apple computers are still doing fine.

But also dead, Brazilian football genius Socrates, Les E. Nielsen, comic legend, Liz Taylor and Steve Jobs, you know, have all made a positive contribution. Still can all cherry pick achievements. But still going Trafigura, you know, it's flip sides, John. Flip sides. The death of Ben Laden was an event that brought the whole of America together. So it only stands to reason that 12 months later it is tearing this country apart.

President Obama, as you mentioned, has been doing something of a public high-fiving tour this week, basically going around the country and saying, what's got two thumbs and is feeling pretty good about himself right now. Not Ben Laden, that's for sure, because I fucking killed that guy. Now, he even released a campaign ad, reminding people that Mitt Romney had once criticized

the president for saying that he would go after Al Qaeda and Pakistan if necessary. And this put the Republicans in something of a tough spot, because the problem is that you can't say President Obama is exploiting having killed bin Laden without saying President Obama killed bin Laden. And none of the ones to say that. At once the ad was released, it got so much traction that Romney was even asked by a journalist, would you have given the same order to take out a summer bin Laden to which he replied, even Jimmy Carter would have given that order? And with the greatest of respect, by which I mean, with absolutely no respect at all, that is the standard meaning of that phrase. Whatever anyone says with the greatest of respect, it means that's with negative respect.

Exactly. The point is, that's a profoundly stupid question to ask Romney, because what does anyone really expect him to say to that? Would I have taken out Bin Laden? Knowing then what we know now, I'd have to say no. The only issue Romney has with his past record of flip flopping Andy is not whether or not he'd have killed bin Laden, is whether or not he'd have changed his mind two weeks later and poured him back to life. Boom! Boom! Sit down, Romney! Is there any of you out there in a little fishing boat

in the Indian Ocean? With a defibrillator, would've... I'll teach my mind! Well, if only Jimmy Carter had had the balls to take out bin Laden when he was president, none of this would've happened. Yes. He lacked the foresight. I think history will judge Carter harshly on that.

Further details of emerged of exactly the circumstances bin Laden was living in, which is not really what you expect from an A-lister, as he doesn't think of himself. As we reported on the bugle last year, also, I mean, not only the one year anniversary of the death of bin Laden, but also the one year anniversary of the death of Ben Laden, but also the one year anniversary of the first use of the term f*** you legit. That's right. So I think it's been with us for a year.

The whole year has been in our mouths. So it needs to be commemorated. Yeah, so in the compound, I mean, they found $450 cash shown into his clothes, which I don't know, maybe just like having George Washington's face oddly close to his skin to give himself anger about America, maybe just like having George Washington's face oddly close to his skin to give himself anger about America, but that's an oddly specific sum, John, because I've been on the internet and there are only three things you can buy that add up to $450. He was saving up for an Nintendo Wii at a George Foreman grill and a porcelain Chris Acabousi. What atrocity was he planning with that lot?

Oh god, that is a fearsome list of ingredients. And they found two buffaloes, well, you know, fair play, everyone loves jousting. They found one cow, because there are two things who know been lard and loved, one, pantomimes and two, realism. And I think we were forward to last year, year they found 150 chickens and I've been thinking about this almost non-stop since then, John. And I think there's only two possible explanations for this.

One is that bin Laden knew he was finished. He knew he was a busted flush. The only way he could make himself feel relevant and powerful anymore was by on the hour, every hour getting six freshy laid eggs and crushing them in his bare hand, saying to himself, you've still got it, Aussie. You've still got it. That's what he was reducing. The only other explanation, I don't know how to break this to you,

is that a sum of in-lawden was holding a chicken fighting competition. Oh, no. Now, he wouldn't do that. Well, I've done the maths on this job. I think with 150 chickens, it was most likely a seven round knockout, Wimbledon style. Now that, of course, would require 128 chickens. But he probably thought there'd be some fatalities amongst the victorious chickens. So he had 22 backup chickens to parachute into the draw. Smart. In the event

of one of the winning chickens dying. But the problem with this, John, is that you could end up with one of the chickens winning the whole competition only fighting in the final. Right. You know, if the winning semi-finalist died and that, I mean, that's obviously unfair. Yes, that's a lot, Andy. But I guess he wasn't really a fair man. You know, that probably didn't even occur to him. And that shows you what kind of monster we were dealing with.

Well, Andy, you put a lot of thought into that. No one can take that thought away from you. you