The Bugle - Bonus Bugle - Spies and Songs

Episode Date: July 18, 2020

Andy and John relive tales of hot weather and Russian spies, and Alice Fraser breaks space and time. Download The Last Post now!Support what we do by making a one off or monthly donation here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#donate. We carry no ads and exist because you make it happen!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAnd produced by Chris Skinner. FUB. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugglers and welcome to Bugal Sub-episode 4159B for Bat Balls and Bubbles. I am Andy Zoltzmann in the antiviral Cricket Oatsphere, here at the old Trafford Cricket Ground in Manchester, where the natural medicinal powers of cricket statistics are proving to

give me 110% impregnable immunity from all reality I can, highly recommend it. I've been busy with my frankly sensational collection of coloured pens, super high tech space age stuff, bits of paper, ditto and databases of pure cricketing fact, the greatest natural mind-barm known to humanity, watching England and the West Indies and, as I record this, Manchester drizzle tussle it out in echoingly empty cricket grounds. It is very old, and the best thing about it, apart from living out my quirky childhood reveries, is that I have absolutely no idea what has been happening in the world in the last two weeks. I imagine things have been awesomely good, what with all the science, technology, intelligence and innate goodness of humanity working collectively towards a better shared future, as usual. I imagine the British Prime Minister has dealt

with his challenges with car insurance, sound logic, and the innate sense of fair play that enabled us to share our empire with so many colonial colleagues back in the British day. I imagine the President of the USA has projected hope and aspiration to all oppressed, freedom-hungry peoples in America and the rest of the universe. I imagine everyone is looking forward optimistically to the impending eradication of the great curses of our times, poverty, hunger, disease, inequality, prejudice and the unnecessary overuse of the word like. But I don't know, because all I've been thinking about is the slowly emerging pointless narrative canvas that is a five-day cricket match. We will have a proper bugle next week. In the meantime, since I am enveloped

in one of the world's more, shall we say, retro sporting genres, the two team contests, lasting a working week with a strong possibility of neither side-winning. Trust me, it is the greatest thing ever invented. Let's go back in time, via the Bugle Archives. How many years I hear you ask? Let's go with ten, ten years. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B And there are only three things better than stories about spies. They are ice cream, the release of Nelson Mandela and Lionel Messi. And those three have had a relatively quiet week this week, so it's spy stories that have dominated the news. The FBI have arrested 11 people suspected of being Russian spies, who have been living

in the United States under deep cover since the 1990s At a time when even then spying was slightly old-fashioned and ridiculous Well, it turns out they've been in the US ever since doing essentially very little in fact a Russian security analyst pointed out this week The alleged spying doesn't seem to have really done any spying He said they haven't managed to gather any kind of significant information and didn't have any kind of sources worth noticing. Most stuff they transmitted, if indeed they did transmit it, could have been lifted from the New York Times website. In fact, they've done so little that none of the people accused in this case have been charged with espionage, only

with not registering as representatives of the foreign government and money laundering and I'll really hope that they were just lifting articles from the New York Times and it will be fantastic. It's the equivalent of cheating on an exam, just cutting and pasting text into a document, maybe changing some of the sentences around. I've completely cracked this whole spying gauge, Dmitry. You just need a premium pass to NewYorkTimes.com. I can get almost spying out of the way in about 45 minutes and I spend the rest

of the day playing for his people with myself. Honestly, I do most of my spying now and I do not exaggerate Dmitry. I do most of my spying while having my morning dump. I'm not even joking. I'm telling you, you're working too hard. And it's also me that whoever's been writing those articles in the New York Times has technically been spying for the Russians, Andy.

So I want to see nothing short of Frank Rich being led out of the offices in handcuffs and send straight to Guantanamo to answer some very nasty questions. Well, it's also, I mean, the challenge is really gone, for spies, ever since the US Department of Defense started up its own Twitter feed. Which is included recently, entry such as busy day, moving three warheads to a new location in Nevada, need to get done by three to catch the Angel's Dodgers game. But it's on the truth, say they didn't find out anything.

Apparently, one couple told Moscow that they discovered that America is a society, quotes that values home ownership. Yes. And there must have been some old telephone operator at KGBHQ in Moscow saying, holy f**k, we have really lost that at the edge. What the hell, do they like meal checks and burgers?

Do you not get a part in one of your next films? Well, it's starting to be good Andy. I mean that's a rock solid Russian accent. I'll put it away for me man. The spies were apparently living in New Jersey which is not so much deep under cover and they are subterranean under cover. If they're hoping to pick up casual information from talking to their neighbors, the only thing they're going to learn there is whatever gossip is coming out of the New York Jets

training cap. I do hope that Moscow is interested in finding out whether or not Ladonia Tomlinson is going to be used more in a wide receiver role than in the traditional running back position he had at the charges. Isn't that the Americanist from New Jersey as well, isn't it? He is. That's right. Ask some questions about his provenance and motives.

Well, the next time he comes in Andy, let's ask him. I think we should. I was quite intrigued by Miss Chapman, who was apparently, you know, the young woman who was painted by some in the press as a femme fatale, as aspiring, although if the aspiring is really just finding out stuff of the internet, I don't know how fatale a femme can be.

And also, it's even really a dodging classic spy behavior, posting glamorous photos of herself on Facebook page. It's really maintaining a low profile. Isn't it? Well, it just shows how seriously the media are taking it. The most of the discussion this week here has been, whether or not she was attractive or not. Oh, right.

That seems to have really split people right down the way. Really? So it's good to know that people are focusing on the most important things here. And what's the consensus then? Well, there is no consensus yet, actually. Has it split on Republican Democrat lines? Well, it's not so much that I think there's a standard acceptance that she's quite attractive.

But it's whether she's smoking hot or just quite hot. Right. So that's driving people apart. It's basically one step down from the abortion issue here So I see so I guess I guess what this has shown John is that we just don't know who is a spy these days And the who isn't and I'm pretty sure some of these people didn't even realize they were spying and I think the time is coming out to do an official Google are you a spy test? Okay, okay. So here's a question.

You can all test, Google, as you can all see if you might be a spy. So there's three questions. When you wake up in the morning, do you A, think to yourself, ah, it's good to be alive so much I look forward to, breakfast, lunch, tea time snack, dinner, and the rest, yummy yum. Or do you B, think to yourself,

I must make an extra special effort today to blend in seamlessly to my local community. Question 2. When you find out something interesting, do you A, go straight onto a social networking site and post something about it, then gossip about it with your friends, or do you B, keep it under your hat until you get a few quiet moments when you can call a secret office and down to our Moscow on a secure line. And finally, question 3.

When in conversation with a government official at a drinks party to a, assume he or she wants to steer clear of official business, and make conversation about sports, or films, or sporting films, or how to film sport. Or do you B, start plying him with drinks and shifting the conversation on to classified subjects like whether America is planning military action on Australia for their overthrow of an elected prime minister, an imposition of an unelected replacement. While trying to build up a rapport so that when you put your arm around his shoulder later in the evening, you'll think you're just being his buddy rather than trying to plant an electronic bug underneath his collar.

So if it's mostly A's, you're probably in the clear, mostly B's, that's for Daniel Kamarad. The expires also made a number of slapstick star mistakes, Andy. Two of the alleged agents organised a drop-off at a parking in Arlington, in which one placed $5,000 in cash in an envelope hidden in a folded newspaper and left it for collection by the other. The package was intercepted by the FBI. So they lost that package, Andy. They lost that $5,000, but it gets even better. Another was observed going into a Verizon phone shop in Brooklyn, New York, buying a mobile phone

and giving the shop staff an address, which was this, 99 fake street. Ha ha. Fake street. They're not even fucking trying Andy. It's almost like they wanted to be caught. But these have actually been very reassuring times here in New York. First, we had a terrible terrorist who locked his

house keys in the car that failed to detonate. Now, we have some terrible spies too. The world is becoming a much simpler, more charming place, Andy, as it spews oil into its own ocean. That was 10 years ago, and if we all knew then what we know now then with a human race we'd probably f**k it up exactly the same again. It is what we do. Since this is a second consecutive bugle sub episode and you're getting them for the price of one, in other words, free unless you want to join the bugle voluntary subscription scheme, go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

Let's have a chunklet from bugle241, where I reveal what happened when I met the England Cricket selector and when the world was experiencing some kind of heat wave and we marked it with a song, a what? I was interviewed this week for a place in the England cricket team. Congratulations, how'd it go? Well, I'm Chris, you were there, was dinner with the chairman of the England cricket selector, is Jen Miller. So this was the closest that you're probably ever going to get to get a selection.

You sat there in front of the selectors and the selector asked Andy, Andy what do you bow to which Andy's response was mind your own king business. Oh my god, how do you forget that Andy? You just bank it on the fact that he would respect that kind of stress. That's interesting. Yeah, he was. They're looking for cricketicketers with strong minds, not afraid to express their own opinions.

And so, he interviewed me for a position on the England cricket team. And yeah, I'm not sure. I'm going to haven't had the call yet. But I don't like to think I'm making an impression. I think it might be coming with that conversational smack down, Andy. Conversational smack down and they Top story this week the heat is on

Now somebody please turn the If you live if you if if you don't finish that thought, Andy. If you live in the US or the UK, you are feeling pretty f***ing you hot right now because it is hot here, Andy. It's hot here in America. I don't know that the UK empathizes with that because by all accounts It's too fucking hot there too. Oh, absolutely John Yeah, I mean it's we're struggling with a heatwave the like of which has never been experienced by humanity anywhere Before just day upon day week upon week of burning sunshine record temperatures

We're talking yeah, we're talking high 20s John low 30s Celsius even is making making the Sahara look like a partially refrigerated cake counter in a bakery store. It's making the Australian outback look like skeg-nest beech in early April. It's making the attic armor desert look like South America's answer to a soggy Christmas dog walk. Britain is so toasted at the moment that if you dropped it from space, it would inevitably land people side down. That is the thing. If you saw any reporting of the heatwave in the UK at the moment

and then you looked at the number that prompted that reporting and you would have anywhere else in the world, you might have think, what is wrong with these people? But, you know, look, it's difficult to explain. It's not, yes, it's not technically as hot as else were in Britain, but Britain is significantly less well equipped to deal with high temperatures, both physically and more importantly, emotionally. LAUGHTER as else were in Britain, but Britain is significantly less well equipped to deal with high temperatures, both physically and more importantly, emotionally.

And for a start, people don't really have air conditioning in their homes in Britain. Apparently a report in 2008 found out that just 0.5% of houses in the UK has any kind of air conditioning, whereas here, Andy, in the land of the free, the land of the incredibly cold inside, when it's incredibly hot outside, nearly 100 million homes have it, and it's possible, apparently it's possible that air conditioning accounts for as much as 15% of total American energy consumption, and that is 15% Andy, that's a 50% portion of a pretty f***ing huge burrito. Because that's the ultimate demonstration of freedom Andy,

being on a hundred degree day, inside able to wear a coat. That's a profound and powerful f***ing huge nature. Oh sure, you've been beating down pretty hard, Mr. Sun. It's dangerously hot outside, you say. So why then am I shivering in here? It'll be exciting to see my breath when I tell you to go f*** yourself. That's what we fought two world wars and at least two cold wars for. The right to air condition America. I mean in Britain we've been really struggling. John haven't seen this many people looking burnt in public

since Queen Mary was barbecuing Protestants in the 1550s. Man that's two 1550s jokes in one show. Yeah. That's setting the bar pretty high. Deep cut Andy. And we've had the biggest heat wave here since 1976, and of course you don't need me to tell you, famously the Queen Mother melted

whilst watching a horse race at Royal Ascot had to be taken to a special laboratory and the basement of Windsor Castle and poured into a cast of herself that they'd taken during the war. Back on duty a week later after resellifying, yeah, that's, and lived for another 20, 26 years. Now, I keep waking up, I'm just so hot,

it's very hard to sleep, my kids are really, really struggling to get to sleep, maybe because I'm standing in the corner of their room, Dress Locker Ghost, but, but anyway, probably the, more to do the heat. But I keep waking up in the middle of the night, sweating like a guilty feeling pig being cross-examine about whether or not it's kosher. Too hot. Sometimes even to think about sport, that puts you in perspective. So hot, John, that I keep thinking on Florence Nightingale. And it's becoming now so reminiscent of 1796

that I keep expecting Mao Tzu to die again or the Bay City Rollers money honey to shoot back to the top of the Canadian pop shots. Well, you are jumping around the centuries today, aren't you, Andy? Thank you, Andy. Is the heat short circuit in your brain somehow? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What's going on here? Andy, every time I bounce this episode down, I hear lightning strike, and a random last post episode appears. An episode? What mate? No idea.

Can it not just be removed? No, like every time I'm doing it, the same thing happens. It just keeps you... What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Space, space, I... Space. I...

Continue, continue, continue, continue, continue. Continue, you... You are... You are... You are... You are... Oh! Hello posters and welcome to the last post, the final word in this, the most final of worlds today's episode marks the 17th of July of the year 2020. On this day in history, in 1549, the Jews were expelled from Gent, Belgium, beginning the Jewish distaste for waffles. In 1717 on this day George Friedrich Handel's water music premiered on the River Thames in London, a piece of music famously inspired by the graceful movement of a body of water of unknown size. Your guest today on the podcast is returning favourite celebrity celebrity and reality television juggernaut Mr. Andrew Zoltzman. Welcome back to the show.

Hello Alice. It's nice to be back. How are you going? Well it's nice to be out of the juggernaut. It was certainly one of the more harrowing shows that I've ever been on. I think I've done well to escape with only minor bruising from the incident. Coming up today, we'll be talking all the latest in Royal Family news for our top story, but first some headlines of stories we won't have time for. And in the news today, Disney World has reopened numerous parks around Florida, despite the U.S. having recorded over 70,000 new coronaviruses.

Although some changes will be made to the reopened parks, including socially distanced cues, Disney branded Mickey Mouse masks, and changes to signage, including a, you must be this stupid to ride. Meanwhile, after a series of viral videos in which ordinary household objects are exposed as cake illusions, a conspiracy has arisen online that 5G is turning things into cake via a plot engineered by Bill Gates, who was once seen eating a cake. Apparently the plot is to turn everyone into cake, or for the savoury-minded, into potato microchips. That's all the time we have for the headlines we don't have time for,

because now it's time for your ads. Your ad section now, because you can buy your actualisation. one for because now it's time for your ads. Your ad section now, because you can buy your actualisation. On one day, in 399 BC, the philosopher Socrates stood before a jury of 500 of his fellow Athenians. Socrates was accused of refusing to recognise the gods and of corrupting the youth, found guilty and sentenced to death according to the Athenian laws of the time, he was forced to drink a cup of poison, hemlock.

If he had instead drunk half a glass of water, Socrates might be alive today. Half a glass of water, the safer choice. And that's your ad section for today. The Last Post! Now it's time for your top story. Your top story today, royal news, bought to you by television royalty, Mr Andrew Sotsman. What is going on in the world of the royals right now? Well, a couple of massive stories this week, Alice.

Firstly, the Queen's contract has been extended by another three years. Now that's her 24th three-year deal would you believe. Now some short thought that she might drop to a two-year or even a one-year deal at her age given you know how old she is, how physically gruelling top-level monocking is these days. It's very similar to rugby in that regard. But apparently at her medical, she was fitter than ever. Her bleep test results were off the scale. She benches 2.90, and she even managed to keep her crown on for a personal best,

132 seconds on a rodeo bull, which matches the record set by Edward VII back in 1903, although that, of course, was not an officially ratified time because on that occasion, he was accompanied on the bull by a dancer from the Folly Bersier named Flolly As you was in and had a visible. Well look the point is 132 seconds is sensational at any age. Other Royal news, well a couple of other stories, Prince Andrew has been relegated from

Prince to vice prince if I read the newspaper headline correctly. Whilst Prince Harry and Meghan have been replaced by a pair of randomly selected NHS staff on a rolling weekly basis, which is a lovely gesture by the government, who have also announced a 400 year pay freeze for all nurses and care home staff, but gestures are worth more than money in this day and age. I mean, that makes sense for Harry and Meghan to be taken off the list of royals, given that they were sort of fomenting rebellion for a number of months, only basically stopped by COVID

and the lack of a socially distanced militia. Yeah. I mean, there's also talk that there will be, you know, they had lots of different churches in the war kind of body double churches, actually going to try and rebuild National Morale after COVID. There's going to be a little battalion of 25 coins, replica coins.

And also, I believe there's going to be 15 print chiles and 15 print Williams as well, to just go around the country looking benevolent. So it should hopefully help bring it back on track. Now, can you address the rumors, Andrew, that all of these replica royals have to pass a three month period into Swacks Museum of pretending to be a Wack statue of the Queen or one of the royals before they're allowed to actually move as a royal? Well, yes. I mean, this is obviously a fairly standard procedure and it's certainly what saw off a couple of Henry VIII's prospective wives back in the day. But yes, I mean, you have to be

able to look like a wax work in order to be a functioning royal, really certainly since the probably the mid-17th century. So it a, you know, a number of people have passed the test and I think that's good. You can't have too much of a good thing, can you? Or can you? No one knows. We'll leave that to the historian's job to judge possibly the history of the Western world in the late 20th and early 21st century might finally come up with an answer to that question. Yeah, I would argue that many non-royals would suggest that you could have too much of a royal. Well, the French came to that conclusion in the 1790s, certainly, and they started lobbing bits off them. So the other big news, Alice, I mean, this is huge raw news, is the discovery of a new royal,

unexpectedly, because obviously generally they have to be created via a bizarre process which certainly Prince William and Kate Middleton have proved unusually a feck-und involving various laboratories and meadows and but luckily we've got a brand new one that's just emerged from essentially, from history. It's turned out that a descendant of Queen Victoria has been discovered previously unknown about. This new royal is the great, great, great grandson of Queen Victoria via her ninth and final child Princess Beatrice, who, as was the way back then, had loads and loads of children. So many in fact that she couldn't really keep track

And she simply forgot one of them at an official Garden party Lionel Duke of snutter bridge. She was who is about three years old as far as anyone could remember and he wandered off and was never seen again And by the time Princess Beatrice noticed the child was missing some 15 years later No one could remember his name and they decided they wouldn't be able to recognize him anyway because his crown would probably have fallen off by then. So Lionel who disappeared often was found by well-meaning people. There's initially brought up by wolves, then by a family of weavers in a woodland cottage in rural fostershire. And unaware of his royal origins, Lionel became a humble potter whose's an eight royalty. He only really came out in an

occasional desire to declare things open, make meaningless small thought with a queue of strangers and keep his job regardless of any performance metrics. And he never knew that he by right should have been something like 43rd in line to the throne. And in fact, sadly Lionel, yeah, he died happy and fulfilled, breaking a family tradition dating back centuries. Anyway, now we skip forward a few generations and a local researcher has found that Lionel actually has descendants and his highest rank descendant, according to royalty ranking points, which factor in all manner of things, Alice, as you know, such as whether you were born before or after other people and whether you have more fuel or the same number of testicles as them.

It turns out that Lionel's highest rank Royal descendant is none other than your last post-Co-host John Luke Roberts, who is in fact by rights, the Earl of France year, owner of 3,000 square miles of prime forest and a herd of purebred gambles. So interesting news, I don't know how John Lucas has responded to this. Maybe you could ask him next time he's on the show. Well, we will definitely have to have him back on the show because as you know, he's been constantly drawn

to the ruling party. You know, he's a disgraced home, many times disgraced home secretary and yet he keeps coming back for more. So it will be fascinating to see how he absorbs his new role. Yeah, I mean it could be a bit of a turning point in British history in many ways. It will bring something new and fresh to the royal family of No Doubt. Well certainly new and that's all the time we have for your top story today

because now it's time for your letters to the editor. Your letters to the editor now and remember you can send your letters to the editor. Your letters to the editor now and remember you can send a letter to the editor by writing to us at the last post at somethingelse.com. Dear Alice and co-host, that's you today Andrew. I have been considering writing to you ever since the recent appearance on the podcast of Christopher Skinner. That's Christopher D Skinner, but never quite having the courage.

This morning I sat down and had a half glass of water to calm my nerves sufficiently to write this. I enjoyed the episode with Mr. Skinner mainly because of your announcements of a novel in which Dancilla Guard, apologies if Miss Spellt, it is Miss Spellt and the apology is not accepted. A novel in which Dancilla Guard ventures into the world of Homo eroticism. I have to confess that in my part of the universe, Mr. Skinner is something of a gay icon. It doesn't surprise me at all that his fortunate subordinates are adoring and bedazzled. Who wouldn't be? Is there any more homoerotic lagarde content in the pipeline? And I wonder if anyone has suggested that you should be offered the job of reading out the lagarde canon on audiobook. You can

pay so much more emotion even when reading out the synopsis I will pray for it. Good luck and so much more to Christopher. Many thanks to you best wishes, Mike. Mike this is a fairly stupid letter. Not a very stupid little bit of fairly stupid letter. If you are at all familiar with the Dancing Lag LaGuard's works. You'll know that there are at least 14 homoerotic novels in LaGuard canon. I would be privileged to read those audiobooks out loud if I ever get the time in my extremely busy, busy schedule. I know that you, Andrew, were being talented as potentially being cast in one of the new movie remakes of a Dancey LaGuard novel. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that? I know you can't say a huge amount. Well I can't say a huge amount and there is some doubt now over whether the film will

will be released not due to Covid but due to the the fact that I insist on doing all my own stunts and um well apparently it just from what I've been told it was very hard to make me jumping off a bench look like an act of great daring do and heroism so but that was as far as my insurance covered me to do in terms of terms of something but I insisted on doing them all myself because that's you's the kind of guy I am, but it did ruin the film. What I did hear about Dan's is that she began her writing career doing homo erotica of a different sort

and which she was writing copy for a company that sold water filtration systems that enabled people to have French mineral water come out of their kitchen taps hence home-o, erotica. That is pretty amazing. I look, and if the movie ever does come out, I hope to witness the... I mean, I would be interested to see if your abs can ripple as much as any of the heroes in any of the dancey lagarde novels, not because you don't have ripped abs but because they are extremely ripped, you know, shredded as it were.

Literally shredded. Well that was after the other stunt, but you know, never knew, Combine Harvest's work that way. Well that's all the time we have for your letters today. Remember you too can send a letter into the editor by writing to us at the last post at somethingelse.com. And thank you for listening to the last post today, we're here in your ears 366 days of this year and we'll be back tomorrow with all the latest news in this dimension. Your guest today on the podcast was Mr Andrew Zoltzman, famous from such episodes as episode one of this year. You can go back in time.

If you go back to episode one, these ones will make a lot more sense. Andrew, thanks for coming on. Great work, is ever. Have you got anything to plug? Yes, well another charity I'm involved in. This charity is for the number 12. Use of the number 12 has declined over the last 12 years by ironically 11%. As due to a reduction in the use of dozen as

a unit of counting and measurement, the reduction in the use of feet and inches of course. And if that trend continues by the year 2212, 12 will have actually ceased to exist as a number which could cause all manner of trouble in the design of rockets and trains. And it's obviously never going to be used as widely as 10. I'm not asking that. I just think we need to do our bit as a current generation to ensure that future generations can enjoy both the number 12 and the word 12, which is one of the most satisfying words

to say in English language for the rest of time. Well, brilliant. Thank you so much. An apology is due to our listeners in the other dimension, because as you in this dimension know, of course, we're putting out episode seven days a week, but due to the glitch in the space-time continuum, only five days a week are going out to the alternate dimension.

So I would say I'm sorry for that, but I'm not really, because obviously, currency doesn't transfer from one dimension to another. So you're probably not paying the extremely premium fees that we ask of our listeners here in this dimension, so shut the f*** up, you're getting it for free. The last post is a something else, Alice Fraser and Bugle Podcasts production. I am Alice Fraser, find me online at at the liturative on Twitter and Instagram, that's ALITER80IVE, or commit to the full Alice Fraser experience by signing up on patreon.com slash Alice Fraser for a behind the scenes look at my glamorous life. I'll be doing a

live stand-up special on the 23rd of July via next up comedy so if you're in the UK look that up. The executive producer of this podcast is Christopher D Skinner, his adoring and bedazzled subordinate producers are Harriet Wells and PED Hunter as they and we always say good luck to Christopher and I'll talk to you again tomorrow. That was a deeply a deeply unsettling. Please support the Bugle. Thanks be to cricket back next week. Bye. you