The Bugle - Bonus Bugle - Swine Flu, Kerala, Adverts

Episode Date: May 24, 2020

Andy delivers a smorgasbord of prime cuts, including some classic Swine Flu with John Oliver, adverts with Alice Fraser and Wil Anderson and Kerala news with Nish Kumar. We're back with another full episode next week. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Buglers and welcome to Bugler issue 4153 sub-episode A for A Make It Stop! I am Andy Zoltzmann and we are having a week off full-blown bugling this week because A, if I don't talk about the virus for a week, I'm hoping it will just go away.

B, last week's live-bugal livestream live, overrun by so much that it cut into my writing time for this week's show and C see because it was written in the stars. As indeed, are all things if you have a powerful enough telescope. But what a bundle of audio newspaperious delights we have for you instead. We have classic material from the bugle archives, comedy from another dimension, courtesy of our parallel universe sister podcast The Last Post, lies about our premium voluntary subscribers and more bits from last week's live show. And because it is still locked down, another quiz. Yes, before we join Alice Fraser and The Last Post to find out what has been going on here but also elsewhere, because you all loved the bugle excessive multiple choice quiz

so much last week, I'm giving you even more quiz time this week. Now some of you might not like it, Q quiz I can hear you say, but these are less excessively multiple choice and they are also on the sainted holy issue of sports. Now, in the last few weeks I've co-hosted a couple of live charity sports quizzes online for the wonderful muscular district UK charity to support them. If you can and in the second of these quizzes last week they made the naive mistake of allowing me to set a round of questions. Of course, if they had known me better, they would have been fully aware that I cannot be trusted with this level of responsibility. In case you did not take part in that quiz, and statistically it is almost 100% certain that you did not take part in that quiz, you will receive all

five questions from my sporting curiosities round, interspersed through this week's sub-episode, write your answers down on a literal or metaphorical piece of paper and I will give you the correct answers at the end of today's show. All of these questions have a genuine, factual, provable, truthful answer. Honest, question one, we all know the Olympics is the absolute pinnacle of sports unless you prefer other sports. And also that some of the sports in the Olympics are completely notaly ridiculous mentioning no sports. You know who you are, Draco Roman Watmite.

But anyway, question 1 in our sporting curiosity quiz, which of the following has never been an event at Summer Olympics? A. Ice hockey. B. Horsey long jump. C. Wacking people with sticks. D. Military patrol. E. Sculpture. F. Cricket. Or G. Shooting pigeons until they're dead. So there's question one, do think about that. All the answers will come at the end of the quiz. And whilst you think about your answer, two question one, let's hear a couple of choice chunks from the last post, the daily work of imaginative wonder, with which Alice Fraser has been

regaling at least two parallel universes throughout this year. A couple of excerpts for you now featuring Alice, me, and Will Anderson. Your ad section now, because sometimes it's hard to feel like you have a legacy, but buying stuff is as good a channel to immortality as anything else. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by a whole glass of water. Just kidding, half a glass of water, whether you're an optimist or a pessimist, be a half a glass of water kind of person. Reduce spillage and increase satisfaction with half a glass of water, half a glass, or

glass. And a new novel is out by self-published romance maven and online best seller, Dancy Lagarde. The dragon lord, the dragon lord's lady is the 15th in Lagarde's groundbreaking fantasy romance detective thriller series with a supernatural twist. Baleenthian is a ruthless mercenary. The bastard son of the dragon king,

proving himself to his estranged father by running merchant caravans through the world desert wastes of the blighted quadrant. His dragon cunning serves him well in the cutthroat trade cities of Saranthablan. But his human half can't help hungering for a more settled life and a maiden of his own. and a maiden of his own. Salixandra is an often healer of one of the recently demolished witch tribes, traveling across the blighted quadrant to claim her inheritance from her aunt, the sexy sinister feminist witch queen. Train is an assassin on spec by a wandering assassin who was adopted by her witch tribe,

Salixandra prefers to use her skills for healing, but sometimes a girl's just got to become a whirlwind of graceful death. When her caravan is set upon in the desert by fanatics seeking the death of the witch queen's heir, she's the only survivor, which is basically the opposite of what the fanatics were going for. Protected by her magic amulet, she's all alone in the desert with nowhere to go until Baleanthean's caravan picks her up and saves her life. Bollenthian is broodingly reluctant to bring on a useless extra mouth in his economically viable caravan,

but Salyxandra promises to exchange healing and assassination services for passage through the desert. She wants to be annoyed by his mercenary ruthlessness, but she's drawn to his brooding muscularity and his unusually high-court temperature. When he falls ill from a wet, when he falls ill from a rare blighted quadrant dragon fever, she uncovers his dragon secret and draws him back from the brink of death with the only cure from dragon fever, which is having sex. They should part when they reach the trade cities of Saranthablan, but Bilentheon's dragon has bonded with Salyxandra and he promises to protect her on her way to her feminist witch aunt. What will happen to their burgeoning romance

when he finds out that Salyxandra is the witch queen's heir? Will the sinister feminist witch queen ever accept such a manly dragon man as Salyxandra's consort? Who will they assassinate along the way? How many pages can a sex intake? Find out in the Dragon Lord's Lady, available now, only by the light of the desert mood. And that's your ad section for today. The Last Post! Now it's time for your top feature section in the Weekend magazine, top feature section, Meet! And resultsment, you're our Meet correspondent, what's happening in the world of the Meet of meat well meat has been affected by the coronavirus outbreak as much as any other form of food people are still still eating it

haven't stopped eating it and I'm not gonna stop eating it and meat of course it's been interesting times to meet the meat industry has been under a lot of pressure due to well I, I mean, animals getting increasingly irritated by being the victims of the meat industry and their supporters in the human community. It's like, you know, kind of alternatives, vegan meat or vegetables, as it's also known. But so the meat industry has been fighting for survival.

And it had a big coup this week when the queen who is of course patron of the British Dead Animals Association alongside many other things did one of her rare messages to the nation and just sat at the table napkin tucked into a collar wolfing down a plate of sausages chicken nuggets and burgers with her big loved royal hands whilst eyeballing the camera before saying God that was so good. And wiping away a spray squids of ketchup from her chin. Of course she keeps a bottle in her crown. Do you know this?

The crown camouflage is a bottle of ketchup, which is an old royal tradition, of course it used to be a flag and a blood, which the monarch would always keep in the crown, just in case they had to fake their own death, which was escaping actually assassinated back in the more violent olden times. So meat is, well, having to adapt to the changed global economy and people's changed priorities, still no news on an official relaxation of the various religious laws on meats regarding the slaughter, preparation,

and gobbling of meat. I am hearing Alice Rumors, however, that leaders of at least three of the world's top religions are in official discussions with God, the renowned deity, who of course runs various, apparently competing franchises, like the ruthless entrepreneur, he has always been. And there are rumours I'm hearing that the Almighty may soon say he is, quote, not actually that fast anymore about people eating things that were a bit dodgy thousands of years ago in a hot climate. This could be an exciting development for meat in particular. It does point to me however, this won't be back dated, so I've still got a hell of a lot of bacon sandwiches to account for.

so I've still got a hell of a lot of bacon sandwiches to account for. Clearly a lot of arguments about meat ethics around at the moment. And the pendulum is swinging back, because for a long time there's been the idea that you should try to make farming a little more humane and kind to the animals, but it's now swinging back in favor of brutally intensive battery farming and lifetime of cruelty to these animals because then if you think about it what has to happen Alice to an animal to become a meat? I'm not entirely sure of the process any I assume it death is a key part of it. That's really... Oh, oh, that's... Oh no. Well, it is something you don't know, we don't know, we don't know, think about it. So the thing is, if you, intensively farm creatures in horrible conditions, then the

abattoir actually becomes a sweet release from suffering. Rather than, if you, if you buy by animal welfare and you get the lovely life gambling around in the fields and then suddenly whoop off you go oh hello Mr. Boltgun that is a harrowingly abrupt and merciless curtailing of a lovely existence which is in many ways worse would you not say. No, no, probably no, no. So, but you know, there's as with any ethical argument, there are many, many, many, many sides to that, that's a multifaceted coin. The last post. Now it's time for your top story. Your top story today, advertising news. Will Brandeson, you're our advertising correspondent.

What's happening in the world of advertising right now? I must correct you there, Alice. Unfortunately, while you were going to those ads and I admire your absolute, you are one of the great leading podcasts when it comes to integration of advertising into the podcast and we admire you very much in the industry for that. The more ads the better, that's what we say. But I have actually taken that time to rebrand myself as the ad sassan. So I am now officially the ad sassan. And that is the only way I can be referred to

for the rest of the, you can never miss a branding opportunity. And you've got to be the first person there to register that domain name. And that is actually very appropriate to what we're going to talk about here today, Alice, if you don't mind because this is being seen at the moment, you talk about half a glass of water, well, we admire your your commitment to all the properties of half a glass of water. In fact, when you started first talking about half a glass of water, I was working on the full glass of water account. And they did not think that they were going to be rocked by your advertisements at the time. People were like, well, why would somebody have half a glass of water when

you could have a full glass of water? But then suddenly, glasses of water, full glasses of water, we saw a massive drop in people drinking full glasses of water. And we thought, well, maybe it's just people with bigger glasses drinking the same amount of water, but it was not. It was people drinking half a glass of water, and we were actually going to start a smear campaign against you to take you down to say you are anti-the coronavirus, because half a glass of water was clearly not enough to wash your hands for 20 seconds.

We literally had a dirt file on you, full of your dirt. But unfortunately, was in a USB thumb drive, and then someone dropped that USB thumb drive into half a glass of water I heard of course. I couldn't speak directly to that that would have nothing to do with me personally. I'm just the spokesperson Okay, today's advertising news. That's what I'm here to tell you about today's advertising news Well today's advertising news is that the stock markets are falling and some have predicted a tough time for advertising. But I'm here to tell you to take a stock market's half full approach.

Now, Alice, you know I've climbed Mount Everest many times. I've been to the top, the summit, and Mount Everest more times than any other human being. The last time I climbed Everest, I climbed with the active Peter Ding Cleach. And I'll tell you a secret. I'd like to climb with people who are substantially shorter than me, because that way when I reach

the summit, I still have a slightly better view. And that makes me feel powerful, Alice. Funny story. Pete didn't actually want to do it, but I convinced him we were shooting something for the final series of Game of Thrones. He was pretty mad when he saw the final series, and it wasn't in there. But I was happy, because I'd managed to do a deal with the producers and Starbucks to sleep in a coffee cup and All the way to the bank. I won't reveal the size of the deal. I did there, but let's say it was

Venti so Why I tell you that story is One day Peter Dinklitz climbed on the shoulders of his Sherpa, and he was higher than me. And in that moment, I saw a lesson for the world that sometimes by small, because they can stand on the shoulder of giants. So this is the time for the advertising industry. This is the time for us in the

advertising industry to lean in. When it comes to a pandemic, it is all about timing. You've got to know what to immediately stockpile. You've got to know, and for me, it was IP, intellectual property. That's what you've got to stockpile immediately. I immediately trademarked the advertising terms where all in this together in these difficult times and I also got in these troubled times in these challenging times and in these uncertain times I did miss out on unprecedented but in my defense there was an unprecedented rush on unprecedented. Do subscribe to the last post for a daily dose of Frazierian Fraizology and other worldly wonders. Time now for question 2 in our sporting curiosities quiz, the night

of February 1963. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that that was the day that the Boeing 727 made its first flight, although you might be more likely to know that if you are a rocket scientist, you might just pick it up in background reading. But on that day, 9th of February 1963 something happened in a men's five nations rugby match that has not happened in any men's five or six nations match ever since. What was that thing? Was it A, a nil nil draw? B, the referee came from the home country. There was an Irish referee at the last time. They had a home country referee in a 5 or 6 nations game, see a drop goal and you have to drop the ball on the ground, they're kicking over the posts scored four points since being reduced to three, was it D, all four starting props for those of you unfamiliar with rugby, they are the, shall we say,

sizable gentleman who generally don't move at high speed but can wrestle rhinoceros to the ground all four of those starting props scored a try that's the last time that happened was it either last time they had shirts fee skins in an international rugby match both teams turned up with their shirts having run in the wash to a kind of light green color and so they played shirts against skins or if it was the last time a live animal was used as the ball, a small warthog called Ian from Dublin Zoo, was the unlucky creature on that occasion after certain protests and injuries that tradition was quietly shelved. So that's question 2, while you think about your answer to question 2, let's go back

in time. Now, as you would know, if you are a student of history, history is full of history repeating history. And whilst the virus that has been havocing the shit out of everything this year is a new and unusually crafty one, Dezeeders like it have been existence ever since Pandora got percussion peaked in her lunchbox all those years ago. And back in issue 72 of the bugle, 11 sorting years ago would you believe John Oliver and I reported exclusively on another bout of viral shenanigans.

Top story this week, Old Mac Donald had a pig, now Old Mac Donald's day. Yes, it's swine flu. In this emergency period, we're going to be injected straight into the years. It's not an antidote, but it's not exactly not an antidote either. Pigs and the so long-reproferral player in the news have taken centre-stage this week as they threaten to wipe out the human race. And we can't say we weren't warned Andy. George Orwell always said that they were snouty little bastards, two legs good, four legs

bad. He pretty much wrote a whole book about how he should keep an eye on pigs. At least, that's what I took from it. I'm pretty sure his seminal masterpiece was based around the thesis, Never Trust a Pig. As I wrote him, I criminally underappreciated GCSE English exam. Yep, H1N1 is back, or swine flu, or pig flu, or piggy flu, or oink oink at you, ergh, to give it its various different names. Spreading on the concern around the world, John, but also spreading delights across Israel

and the Jewish world, where, but imagine just delights across Israel and the Jewish world, where an imagine just like me, they've all spent most of the week punching the air shouting, see, we were f**king right all along dirty, dirty animals. Well, there has been controversy over what to call the virus. Initially it was called swine flu, then pig flu, then Israel opted to call it Mexican flu. Due to the port connection, I guess implying that this virus was not kosher. The EU called it novel flu for reasons best known to themselves. And France even opted to call it North American flu.

Offer f**k sake, Frenchies. That is just lazy, outdated anti-Americanism. You can have your standard French flu, but they've got freedom flu over here, so suck on that. Well, Obama calls it H1N1 influenza A. He's always had a way with words that, man, Andy. So poetic, so uplifting. Well, here are some of the headlines from the papers here this week. Maxie, no.

And looking at the pictures, all the Mexicans wandering around. Mosque, Sikko, and also, pandemic, onium, those clearly weren't headlines, but they could have been, and that's the most important thing. By the end of the week, the World Health Organization itself had announced that it would stop using the term swine flu to prevent confusion over the danger posed by pigs.

As Boxman said, rather than calling this swine flu, we're gonna stick with a technical scientific name, H1M1, influenza ray. Now, is this in response, Andy, going to stick with a technical scientific name H1M1 Influenza Rae. Now is this in response, Andy, to potential pig vigilante attacks? Other than gangs roaming the streets are not looking for wayward pigs. Farmers doing drive-by shooting to their attractors on farms spraying the side of stars with bullets.

On Wednesday, Egypt had started slaughtering its roughly 300,000 pigs, despite signs explicitly saying that the virus was not passed on by eating pork. Not a good time to be an Egyptian pig, Andy. They've been a start developing a pretty f***ing convincing cow impression in the next few days. He's a thing to be honest, even if there was a risk eating pig, I think I'll still take my chances. I love bacon, Andy. And I guess I've never before really had a barometer to gauge just how much I love bacon, but now I do.

I love it so much, I'm willing to risk death. I'm willing to play bacon roulette with every sandwich I eat. Yeah, the flu kicked off like so many things in Mexico. And also like so many things from Mexico, it has now sneaked across the border into America. Oh boo! Boo, Andy!

What? Shame on you! You're a part-senseman, part-limba! Are you looking for a high-profile, provocative talk show over here? I've got a few gaps in the diary coming up. That's a yellow card, that joke. Well, over here, John, people have been reacting with similar concern at the near certain prospects of pick-fruity wiping out humanity. In fact, just yesterday I saw a guy in

my local supermarket standing next to the Bacon counter and booing for about half an hour. So I think you might find. Anyway, here's a topical joke for you. Hey, my wife's been feeling ill for a couple of days. So she went to the doctor influenza. Well, I did advise her to seek professional medical opinion, but in the end, it was her own choice. Pink flu, how dare you say that about my wife? Oh no, she got the train. Did you take inspiration in such unusual areas, I think?

Thanks mate, I'll take that as a compliment, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't one. Currently the world is on pandemic level Phase 5. Now that doesn't sound too bad until you learn that the scale only goes up to Phase 6. That is one away from the highest level available, which would indicate a full pandemic, but still not a pandemic, not a pandemic. Now, it's been hard to accurately judge exactly how many cases of swine flu there are due to the fact that everyone the cough now thinks they've got it. It's been a great week for panicked overreactions on Wednesday, the WHO claimed that far from

the sighted more than 150 swine flu deaths that in fact been officially only 7. People have been quick to point the swine flu finger at anyone who made the mistake of dying in the last 7 days. Oh, Terry died, I think it was swine flu. What are you talking about? Terry was hit by a bus. I know, but I think the swine flu probably got in first, then the bus got involved. In fact, I was on the subway this week, which incidentally was noticeably less full. And a guy

coughed, a woman opposite, nervously put a handkerchief over a mouth. The guy saw this and said, Hey lady, I don't have a big flu. I don't think she was fully convinced. Also, he might not have had a big flu, but he also didn't have any f***ing social skills. That is one of the symptoms apparently. Alright, well there you go. That was nothing next to what happened to bolt him or international airport when an inbound flight from Mexico radio to head that two passengers on board had suspected the swine flu. Apparently, they had fever and were sick to their stomachs, the fire, the rescue department as well as ambulances scrambled to meet the plane on the runway.

But after careful examination, as ascertain that the two men had just had too much to drink. They were drunk. Come on everybody, we have got to calm down. He's one of the symptoms of the swine flu, stinking of de Keelhoff, singing La Bamber at the top of your voice. Because if so, I came down with a spot of swine flu in a karaoke bar last week. So, how much should we be panicking? The World Health Organization currently advises a level 5 flap which is still well short of the top level 6 screaming hysterical frenzy. But more serious than a level 4 frown. The level 5 flap requires people to take speculative and useless precautions like wearing a home-made

mask, canceling holidays to countries beginning with M and praying, and also to call an ambulance whenever they feel an unscheduled itch. In Britain, the government claims it has enough the tamiflu vaccines to treat 80% of the population. Uh-oh, that sounds like a national game of musical jazz. Well, John, you say that. Well, that is basically England covered. And it's just not looking as good for the cat summer, right? But, you know, according to the famously non-existent British constitution, medicine is distributed strictly by alphabetical order of country. I'm sorry, Wales. It's not looking good for you.

Bird flu was largely a pataco with nothing, Andy, whereas pig flu has already infected a good many people around the world. And I guess this tells us that pigs are tough for the birds, Andy. Big result in the battle of the farm yard there, bragging rights for teen poor. I think at this station, the most important thing to do is not to mention the 1918 influencer epidemic that killed two times as many people as the first world war

and affected around half of the world's population. Because it was ages ago and most of those people would have been dead by now anyway. So let's brush it over it as if it never happened. Well also if you're going to attach a country to the flu and you've got to go Spanish. If it is maximising body count that you're after, the Spanish do not mess around. What this whole thing does race, John, as a question is, what is the point of viruses? They just don't seem to have anything positive to contribute. To me, I just don't see why they don't just go and f**k themselves. They're just little't seem to have anything positive to contribute. To me, I just don't see why they don't just go and f*** themselves.

They're just little invisible terrorists to me, and I'm not changing my way of life for these bastards. I don't want the government to do anything about it. They cannot be seen to negotiate with viruses, so they should not treat anyone, John. We have to stand up for ourselves. As Muhammad Ali might have said, if we've been fighting pig flu for a world title,

f*** you, flu, he had a way with words as well. 11 years ago now when things like normality and sport still existed. Sport did you say? Yes, it's quiz question three now. What unusual double sporting feet links the following four sportsmen. Rugby League legend and human bulldozer Leslie Vynecollo, New Zealand Cricket and Martin Donnelly score of a double-century at lords in a test match in 1949, no less. Another rugby player, Harlequin's Premiership winning Hume from Granite, Immovable Leviathan, Flanker, Mori, Far-Sovalu, and the Welsh Rugby Union Scram-Half and Second World War Hero, Morris Turnbull. What links those four sports players? A, they all had both

a sibling and a spouse who also played international sports. B, each of them made both his international debut and his final international appearance on his birthday. C, all played for England in one sport, but against England in another sport. D, all set a national record during a match only to see a teammate surpass it before the end of that match. Or E, all set a national record during a match only to see a teammate surpass it before the end of that match, or E, all of them both discovered a new chemical element and had an affair with a member of the Royal Family and or a KGB agent. Never touch pure farce of alien with your bare hands, it is lethally radioactive. And why did Martin Donnelly never play international cricket again after 1949, perhaps Olga, or even

Princess Margaret, could explain. Moving on, now, we're going back in time once more, but just a week back in time, this time to the live-bugal livestream live with Alice and Nishkuma, and here are some more choice bits from that. Carol has been a notable success story in many ways, and particularly in this crisis, thanks in large parts of health minister K. J. Shylarger who is a former science teacher and she's been rather more successful than other people who've been you know trying to control the virus so it turns out that having a former science teacher involved is better than having a often sacked for dishonesty former journalist or a former serial bankrupt TV Megatool and proud sexual assault fan. There might be something in that. It's a

small sample size. We can't draw conclusion. But it tells a bit more about the how Kerala has been so much more successful than Britain for example. And the Malayali family WhatsApp groups have been in permanent meltdown this week. It is absolutely astonishing stuff. I'm going to be real with you. It has been a spicy couple of years for someone with my background because obviously I'm a British man so I spent the last few years watching my country do the geopolitical equivalent of shitting its pants and they're not cleaning itself up but instead doing some very vigorous squat thrusts and my family is from India and that's a country that's currently run by a government who claimed to be incredibly Hindu and yet when it comes to the nation's Muslim population they seem to have no problem in having serious beef. However,

my family in India comes from the state of Kerala. It's a small state in the South of the country, although small needs to be set in context of a country with a billion people, because Kerala is a small state and has 35 million people in it, right? Okay, so, but it's done an amazing job of handling this virus. And partly that's because a few years ago,

the state was exposed to the NIP nipper virus which was a really virulent pandemic that and so the infrastructure that was put in place then has actually served them pretty well But a lot of it as you say is coming down to the health minister KK Shiliger because she acted very very proactively in January when the first cases were coming through in the news from China. She acted very, very decisively, put in place policies of track and trace, and four months later, Carola only has 524 cases of COVID-19 with four deaths, and so far no community transmission. So just to put that in context, that is a state of 35 million people and a GDP per capita of 2,200.

Now, if you compare that to the UK, it is, and I believe this is a scientific term, a lot fucking better. I think that's, I think that, yeah, I think I'm pronouncing all of those scientific terms, right. And yeah, so they set up a control room, they instructed the medical officers

in the 14 districts to do the same. And by the time the first case arrived, they had such sophisticated track and trace measures in place that a case that arrived fire a flight from Wuhan, they already knew that it was arriving essentially. So it's absolutely astonishing stuff. And KK Shaliger's 63-year-old health minister and has attracted a lot of new

nicknames in recent weeks including the coronavirus slayer which is a buffy reboot I think we're all looking forward to and my favorite one rock star health minister and I cannot tell you the extent to which that is the most careless shit of all time. This is to say that prides itself on having an extremely high literacy rate is obsessed with science. I am very much the black sheep, not just of my family, but of my family's entire home state. And it is smack bang in the middle of Carol's personal brand that the closest thing we can produce to a rock star is an incredibly smart and successful

health minister. So, so basically what you think if I'm kind of reading between the lines, you're saying that advanced preparation, cool headed decision making and you taking the advice to test, track and trace right from the start is slightly better than ignoring official recommendations and not acting on reports saying you've got your unprepared for this kind of crisis. Yeah, it's actually a lot better than shaking hands at the bare minimum with people who have coronavirus. Let's remember that a handshake was the bare minimum. I'm not saying anything else.

I'm just reminding you of Boris Johnson's track record and his F number, but he definitely shook hands. And also it's better than pursuing a policy of touching horses at Cheltenham, which I believe is what I'm doing. I'll never fucking be into Cheltenham. We are hoping to do another live-bugal live-stream live in June,

and also a bugle live quiz best to keep them separate, I found, and on the subject of quizzes, his question four. And it's on Cricket's universally acknowledged as the greatest thing in the universe. My Cricket question for you, Bugleers, is this. Indian Cricketer Sunil Valson did what? But without also doing what? So he did a thing without doing another thing that's usually associated with doing that thing. So did he A play every single match for an entire season for Delhi in the Indian Rangitrofi competition without ever once batting or bowling and if you're not a follower of cricket, just

take a guess what those are. Is it B, he's the only player to have scored a first class century without hitting a single boundary, 93 singles, 2, 2, 2 and a 3, C, he won the World Cup but never played international cricket in his entire career. D, he was man of a match in an international game in which he was not actually playing. He came on as a substitute fielder and took three catches, two of them one handed and made a direct hit run out with a throw from the boundary for the final wicket. I'll realise for many of you these are just sounds. Or E, he kept in India without existing.

On India's first tour of England in the 1930s, there was a dispute between the different cricketing authorities from the different states and cities of India who could not agree on who should be a leader of the team. So, a compromise was reached whereby a fictional batsman was invented to be the official tour captain. So, is it A, B, C, D, or E? And, in fact, we're going straight on to our final question, question five, baseball for our American listeners now, and indeed any other baseball fans in 2003, Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman, lent over from his seat to try to catch what he thought, sorry if I'm triggering some of you here. What he thought was going to be a foul ball hit by Florida Marlins batter Luis Castillo,

but succeeded only in deflecting it from the grasp of Cubs' field of might as a loser game turned the Cubs, who'd been on the brink of making it to the World Series for the first time since 1945, lost, then lost the deciding game 7, and their chance of glory and Bartman's sport being sport was horrifically scapegoated. That's why we love it. But what became of the fateful ball that Bartman tried to catch? A, it was cast in a bronze casing and presented as a memento to Marlin's coach Jack McKee and after his team went on to win the World Series.

B, it was blown up in a ceremonial explosion and the remnants made into pasta sauce. C, it was fed to a rhinoceros at Chicago Zoo. Cubs fans paid $100 a ticket to watch the cursed bald guzzle down by their local packedom. Or D, it was taken into space by Chicago-born NASA astronaut John Grunsfeld, who then threw it away into orbit whilst on a spacewalk to circle the world in eternal shame. Time for you to finalise your responses to the quiz I'll give you the correct answers in just a few minutes time after some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them go to thebugelpod theory in his head about the planet Saturn. He thinks that the reason it has its trademark rings is not as many have assumed because

it is an alien UFO, biting its time before swooping down to earth to destroy its all, nor, as many have also assumed, a relic of a broad-brimmed sun hat that Saturn used to wear as a planet in the early days of the solar system when it was much closer to the sun, but in fact because the ancient Roman god Saturn was a non-swimmer who needed rings to keep him afloat. Mark's excitement abated when he remembered that Neptune, named after the Roman god of the sea, also has rings. Sarang Shah is another planetary mythology fan fan and he thinks Jupiter got its famous red spot from where it was punched by its furious wife planet Juno after the latest in a string

of infidelities with Jupiter's moons, prompting Juno to lash out at Big J and then leave the solar system for good. Juno has lost her dove circling a star in a nearby other galaxy with other planetary deities who have also escaped controlling relationships. Sajan Hira has been studying the Bronte sisters and also dinosaurs. Sajan has not only confirmed that the literary siblings' full surname was in fact Bront Gommari, and not as some had suspected Brontagu. But also that they were responsible for the name of the renowned dinosaur the Bronte Soros, due to the structure of their novels, which tended to start quite small scale, then expand to a massive oversize middle, and then taper off gradually to a minimalist ending.

Riccardo Villain is fascinated by the British government's so-called Cobra meetings, crucial discussions of important matters that some Prime Ministers can be asked to turn up to, if they're in the right mode, and not too busy wondering how many children they've got. Cobra is according to official accounts and economical of Cabinet Office briefing room A, but Ricardo has convinced that it is in fact so called because at one meeting the conservative peer and London 2012 official Nebuchadnezzar Lord Co, formerly known as Olympic 1500m Champion Sebastian Co, jokingly wore a bra over his pinstripe suit and quips that he hoped it would help him keep abreast of the situation.

And finally Chris Bostich spent 8 years learning to play keyboards with just one thing in mind so that he could go to his local garden centre with a harpsichord, station it next to some bright pink flowers, and start playing a selection of early 18th century preludes and fugues until someone came up to him and said, what on earth are you doing? And he could reply, bark to the fuchsia. It was worth it, reminisce his criss, the manager of the garden centre laughed so hard, he gave everyone in the shop a free trowel. Here endeth, this week's lies. Just time before we go for the answers to our sports quiz question one which of the following has never been an event at the Summer Olympics the correct answer was D military patrol.

Military patrol has how have been an event at the Winter Olympics similar to by Athlon involving cross-country skiing and shooting but wearing backpacks and I think hunting down a rogue enemy unit. Basically imagine if Liam Neeson was turned into a sport. Ice hockey was in fact an event at the 1920s Summer Olympics in Antwerp, the world clearly still coming to its senses after the trauma of the First World War, horsey long jump, 1900 in Paris, bring that back, whacking people with sticks, also known as single stick was part of the fencing program in the 1904 Games instant Lewis. At sculpture, well art contest were part of many of the early modern Olympic Games. In fact Paul Goghandsson picked up a bronze in sculpture in 1924. Fact, that is a fact I'm very,

I'm getting for I think this is lockdown as maybe actually a genuine, a genuine fact. I need sports, make sculpture sport again. Cricket England raiding champions from the 1900 Olympics in Paris and pigeon shooting also 1900 water games that must have been. Question 2 what happened for the last time in an island England's five nations game on the 9th of February 1963. The answer was A, a nil nil draw, question 3 what unusual double feet. Link's Leslie Vinicolo, Martin, Donnelly, Mori, Farza, Valo and Morris Turnbull it was C they all played for England in one sport and against England in another if you want the full details, try the internet.

Question four, Indian Cricket of Sunil Valsen did what without doing what that was C, he won the World Cup but never played international sport, he was picked as a member of India's squad. In 1983 for the Cricket World Cup, I had never played for India before, wasn't picked during the tournament and was never selected again. Bit harsh in the part of the Indian selectors. And finally, question five, what happened to the Bartman Ball from 2003 while as Cubs fans probably don't need to be reminded.

It was blown up and made into pasta sauce. Maybe can you turn sport into food? This is an exciting new dimension for all human. This could make lockdown a hell of a lot more entertaining. I'm going to cook some sport. Right, if you've got all five rights, you win the star prize, which is the right to tune in to next week's issue of the bugle.

In fact, all of you can have that on me. Don't forget to subscribe to the last post and keep your ear to the ground, or indeed to this podcast for details of the next live bugle, live stream show, and the bugle live quiz that hopefully we will do in June. Until next week, goodbye.