The Bugle - Bonus Bugle – Too Much News #2

Episode Date: July 29, 2017

Andy is joined by multiple co-hosts with a collection of stories that were too hot for the news. Highlights from Nisk Kumar, Al Murray, Hari Kondabolu, Tiff Stevenson, Tom Ballard, an almost inaudible laugh from Alice Fraser and several groans from Producer Chris. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugles and welcome to bugle 4,037 summer sub-episode A. That's A for Apple, Argonauts and or Axe, Ampazand and and and his ultimate who coincidentally is me. The bugle is on its summer holidays this week and next, we're doing one of those trendy new action adventure family trips where we try to lead an armed insurrection and rural vorotania before installing ourselves as a dynasty of monarchic overlords, real fun for the kids. Right, let's get stuck into this week's sub-bugle episode. Some as yet previously never before hit a tooth for here under, unpublicalyzed chunks of extra bugle, featuring me as well as other

people, such as Harry Condomolo, Anuvaab-Powl, Tom Ballard, Alice Fraser, Tiff Stevenson, Al Murray and Nish Kumar. We will introduce you to Nish now with some, some biographical detail. We'll have some Nish Kumar facts. Here we go. Nishax. Let's have... I'm looking forward to learning these as much as anyone else's. This is scrupulously fact-checked. That's all viewable facts are. Nish is sickened. Lines to the throne. That's true. He hasn't specified which throne.

Throwing the... Throwing the United Kingdom. Why is he sickened? Lines to the throne? Let's have the next one. After winning a competition on a serial box to become the Duke of Ducy. The Duke of Ducy is a nickname I use for my penis. Nishkumar is the subject of up to 8 Destiny's Char songs. That one is true actually. Destiny's Char songs and so the next one including booty lists. That is correct. I don't think anyone was ready for this jelly. For the benefit of the audio listeners I just showed my ass to the audience.

To a response that could be best described as Tetted. Turns out they were more than prepared for this jelly. Fact number three, Ms. Kumar, is not a walk criminal. Let's get around to it. Well done, Miss. Well done, sir. Full disclosure, that one is technically pending. Fact number four, Nisku has never been romantically linked with Vera Lynn. What is it?

What is wrong with Vera Lynn?, you want us to warnish? What can I say Andy, she don't like chocolate milk. This humour is allergic to evil. It makes his beard and hair grow really fast. He was bald and clean shaven when he arrived. Someone on the stage is bringing a bad stuff. And one Chris fact. Benches 525. 525 benches.

Sharing economy app news now and Al, I mean we've reported on the bugle before about amazing breakthroughs and the sharing economy such as Foster roster. Yeah. The share parenting app and Mafioso simple would put together ad hoc crime gangs. But you've actually found one that's maybe slightly more genuine than those two. It's called just a baby. Right. And it's an app helping people who want to have just a baby to get together and make a baby. Right. And it's an app helping people who want to have just a baby to get together and make a baby. Right. Now there's some big questions with this. Like, what the f**king f**king

f**king. Right. I mean, this is, so this is an app where you, you know, you put your details in saying, I want to, I want to have a baby. And then you find other people that want to have a baby and it matches you up. And the up and the idea is that you save time on the two years of Having a relationship and getting pissed off with each other and then trying to save it by having a baby and driving it Completely onto the rocks by having a baby, right? The idea is that you you're opening salvo is having a baby, right? And the thing is, I can, the pro, I can, obviously some problems with this. One of them is obviously,

what if it's your thing, is you like knocking people up? What if that's the only way you can get off? And then this is the app for you. Right. But this is, I mean, do people really, are there other ways of doing this for that?

Right. But it's Tinder minus the Johnny's basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great pun. Bredo, I mean why they haven't called it Bredo or something like that. I'm out, that's the out of all I've got. Right, I'm out. But I mean, it does, it's amazing that the apps now that are bringing people together

of these bizarre things, you've got Bmy Bitty, which pairs up people who want an extra grandparent with lonely old women who can become their surrogate grannies. Well, the culture sharing apps, people who like to appear like they're fully up to speed or you've got Galleriesy, Pro Rata and Surritate, people who go to art galleries on your behalf and give you a quick 10 point bullet point list of things you can share at dinner party conversations. And perhaps most importantly, Conte Gias, are you bored at work, stressed by deadlines, want a few days off sick? Conte Gias, pairs you up with

someone with a non-fatal communicable illness. The premium Conte premium contagious service includes diseases requiring several months of quarantine. So, it's amazing. Everything's there. You can just, it's bringing the world together. Jack and the team stalk as well. If you enjoy stalking someone,

but you don't have time to go all by yourself. There's your other. Similarly, psychologically, to arrange people. You can share the workload. It's wonderful, wonderful world we live in. Space Potato News now and thank you, Harry, for bringing my attention to this story. China is going to grow potatoes on the moon. What a moment for humanity. Potatoes on the moon. What a moment for humanity.

Potatoes on the moon. And this is not important just for itself, or it's important for what it symbolizes, all the other vegetables that might one day be grown on the moon. For me, one small spot for man, one giant leak for mankind. I mean, it's preparing for the inevitable Andy. I mean, it's kind of optimistic news, you know, that somebody actually has a plan.

I mean, I don't know how long it's going to take, because apparently they also brought silkworm eggs up there with the idea that the silkworms will hatch, and I think their hope was to create a little ecosystem. Right. That would come as a result of the carbon dioxide released from, I actually don't really know the science of it, but that's not going to be some kind of ecosystem. All I know for sure is that this will not

lead to us living on the moon anytime soon. So it feels like a desperate last second attempt. Right. So I mean, I was just looking at the moon the other day in the sky and thinking, mm-hmm, that place needs some silkworms. That we can sell it for me. Really, there's a few silkworms.

To me, this looks like China, almost getting complacent. You know, it's taking becoming world number one superpower for granted now in the Trump era. And I mean, you'd have thought it'd be aiming higher. You know, oh great, we're going to the moon. Well, don't shine, you know, right little training superpower, what are you going to do when you get there?

Oh, we're going to grow some potatoes. Is that it? Isn't that it, China? That's not exactly grabbing the imagination of the world, at least blow something up on the moon or play to your strengths and build a wall that can be seen from Earth. That's the very least that people expect from China. There are rumors that China,

this isn't the extent of China's space plans. There are also on a similar level of it. So I'm planning to get to Mars by 2036 and build a shed and send a spacecraft to land on Pluto and leave a bucket on it. Sighting time is for Chinese space exploration. And I guess as they say, they've chosen to grow potatoes on the moon not because they are peasy, but because they are charred.

You're welcome everyone. You are welcome everyone. You are welcome. People say, we have to look at this positively for a praise point of view. We'll have greater national freedom. We'll have carte blanche people. Sorry we're leaving Europe. We'll be able to drive the white cart. We will be free. We will be free from the liberating anchor of human rights, free to enjoy the asphyxiate emancipation of higher carbon emissions, free to independently bend over but present our British back sides to the merciless international financial markets.

And at last, we'll be free to control our borders, to control immigration, so we can fulfill our long held national dream of watching un-picked British strawberries slowly rotting in the fields every summer. So we can calmly look up how to do an emergency app and take care of yourself on Wikipedia instead of lying there helplessly as a professional but foreign surges Waffles their scum for their own disfetti for its stomach and above all we will be free for the European Union undermining our British democracy a deep legitimate concern in this country for we are a nation

with a first pass the post electoral system an unelected second chamber the House of Lords and a monarch if there is one activity we bridge need no external assistance with it is undermining our own democracy. But the f*** out, Brakons!

And it is like the last night of the Proms in here. I'm saluting. I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm just trying to misjudge the length of the rule where it's any of that. Do you know who was sort of responsible for that front page? George Usball? Yeah, yeah. Oh, Gideon, please. I think we should all refer to him as Gideon now. Who now has about 55 different jobs?

I think he's working as a lion, tame of a Jerry Kotler circus as well. Between him and Paul Nuttle, like the jobs we are going to do and the jobs we have done is pretty impressive, isn't it? Did he just get an honorary doctorate from someone? It was born. Yeah, well, I think he's going to do like a half a minute tutoring a month at Manchester University or something. But I mean, it does slightly distress me the idea that basically he seems have used having been

in a senior position in the British government as a springboard to dicking around, doing stuff like an Austin Powers front page. How was that? It was taken down. What other chance of the exchequer would have done? I don't know, every smith back in the early stages of the 20th century or something. What, the couple of Instagram posts have been around then? I feel a bit bleak about it, to be honest. Well, I but now it's because I don't know technically how this works. There's got to be

a vote of no confidence for us to have another election if we can take another election. Right. I mean, it doesn't need to be a vote of no confidence. The Prime Minister has a face of no confidence. Surely that should be enough. It does look good. To get a vote of confidence from the DUP, it doesn't look good to have to give to someone a billion pounds in order to receive their confidence.

Like, I don't think James Bond would be as cool if he found out he'd just been paying every single woman that he'd slept with. That would be less, less impressive. And I have a question more of a conundrum, really. You know, I, Prime Minister Modi was in Russia. He visited a not a very well-known Russian leader, called Vladimir Putin.

And the two of them had some intimate moments in a garden. And our leader does that a lot. He sees photograph often, because the single man is photographed often in gardens with lots of world leaders and despots holding hands, that kind of thing. And there were a lot of memes about that. Lots of memes about that. And our leader has 30 million followers on Twitter.

And Megan Kelly, famous news host, former Fox News, now it's the NBC, interviewed them, interviewed Putin and Prime Minister Modi. And the first thing she, Prime Minister Modi asked her was, I saw your photograph on Twitter, and you were holding an umbrella walking around in Petersburg. And And Megan Kelly said, oh sir, are you on Twitter? And that was a question, simple question, recorded on television. And the Indian Twitter sphere went crazy. You know, they put down their biographies of famous world leaders and went nuts because

they said, how can Megan Kelly not do her research? How can she not know that our Prime Minister holds hands with Putin and walks around gardens? How can she not know this? What kind of news show host is this? I just want to know how you feel about this, Andy, about all of this, about Prime Minister Modi walking around with the manual on Macron holding hands, hugging, Malcolm Turnbull outside temples, wearing garlands,

and having 30 million followers on Twitter, who are like his Twitter brigade, who immediately attacked Megan Kelly, who I think since that day has not been seen. Well, I mean, I make me feel quite jealous, to be honest, because our current Prime Minister, to reason me, I mean, she looks like she doesn't really hold hands with anything at the moment

apart from the concept of regret. She by comparison with Modi and his, what do you say, 30 million, 30 million followers Theresa May, the day facto Empress of Britain has 363,000 followers. So I mean, that that is that is disappointing and I'm just scrolling down through through her Twitter feed and I can't see I can't see her holding hands with Vladimir Putin at any point. I mean there's nothing absolutely nothing. Did she hold hands with Modi because she went to India Absolutely nothing. Did she hold hands with Modi? Because she went to India last year.

Can't remember, was there a hand holding incident? Or was it like a game of scissors, paper, stone? Well, sir, I'm glad you bring that up. Well, because the honorable Prime Minister David Cameron did place some cricket at Ovalmejdan in front of the Bombay High Court. Theresa May wore a sari and went to a temple. There was no handholding, but there

was some sitting on a swing in Gujarat. She was taken to Gujarat and shows some new factories that were funded with British money. And she sat in a swing with Prime Minister Modi. It's the same swing that Premier G ping sat on. So it's a famous swing. And I suppose they went to and fro on the swing So that happened, but there was no hand holding

However, there is there is video evidence of Theresa May holding hands with President Donald Trump Oh, yes, they walked to the Rose Garden. Yeah, yeah, that was a famous there was a famous one And also the Twitter thing it worries me and it worries me that the substitute wicketkeeper of the Indian team, the former part of Patel, one of the former, he's alive, he was the former substitute wicketkeeper, has 360,000 followers in Twitter. So this is quite worried.

This is very worried that the, what are the leaders of the G7 countries has fewer. With this slate is sort of turn around. She has now mastered something if I can sort of slightly misappropriate a previous John Oliver catchphrase. She has now mastered what I think we have to describe as the f*** you turn. It isn't that just that she does a U turn on things. It's that she manages to do it in a way which is insulting to as many people as humanly possible. Because first there was the social care, the national insurance contributions and the budget, and with those two she's just refusing to acknowledge that a U turn took place. With the election

she said there wouldn't be one, then she called one, and then said she didn't want to directly debate anyone, because people don't want to see politicians argue and ask for Brexit She campaign hard for a mate and now is pushing for a Brexit so aggressive the brand France further down They're gonna have to change their name to Lord Kitchener a Dutch Avenue A Dutch Avenue is gonna have to be called an English Bargast microwave And French toast is gonna have to change its name to a weird fucking bread And French toast is going to have to change its name to a weird f***ing bread. Also played for Glomorganism.

Also, she's stuck to wanting, she's sticking to, amidst all these U-tombs, is the pledge to get net migration down to under 1000. That's the one, that's the one she's saddening by. They're just, during the course of this gig, they just released some more deals on how they're actually gonna do that, because I'm gonna accuse of just saying it, and not having any plans to do it. And Theresa may say she's gonna personally stand on the whiteclips of Dover,

growling and shaking her face. LAUGHTER So, there's some flesh on those, those policy phones. LAUGHTER Yeah, that's the one that they won't let go. We will you turn on anything else, but foreigners can't go f**k themselves. And Theresa Mayn's just, I wonder if this is quite a big political award.

She's just one sneer of the year. Uh, George Osborne, one of the previous seven years of his life. LAUGHTER He was the Federal of looking like a f***er. There you go. I do sincerely hope that Brighton duped your planet and all universe. Next week we'll be delving into the Bugle Archives for a Bugle Best of August Special. Don't forget to book your tickets to see the live Bugles and the Edom Roshos featuring

not only me, but many of the other Bugle co-hosts who have shared their unstoppable wisdom with us over the past nine months, including Alice Fraser, Tom Ballard, Tiff Stevenson, Nazim Hussein and Al Murray. Sorry if I've left anyone off that list. Until next time, stay in school. Keep off strickening and trampoline with caution. Bye bye, butlers. you