The Bugle - Bonus Bugle: Who Says Comedy Has To Be Entertaining?

Episode Date: March 10, 2018

Some amazing bits from recent Bugles we held back, including the mother of Freudian slips from Andy, the return of Silvio and a classic bit from Andy and John.With@HelloBuglers@aliterative@MrNishKumar@ProducerChris@tiffstevenson@felicitywardMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to Bugal Issue 4061, some episode A for apologies for not being a full issue of the Bugal this week. Instead, we have some bonus extra bits from the recent live show in London, some other bonus extra bits from other bits, and in the first and latest instalments. Of what the hell was happening 10 years ago. We go back in time, hang on let me just add it up, 10 years, too much 2008 and without wishing to spoil the fun I can exclusively reveal that in the news exactly 10 years ago this week as exclusively revealed at the time in issue

twenty of this esteemed organ of audio historical record, were Russia, the European Union, and women, so pollution has changed. However to get things started and whilst I contemplate how all of you as I speak are almost certainly rushing to dispatch your ticket-buying car -yepidgens to Australia and New Zealand to purchase tickets to my fourth coming shows at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. That's from the 10th to the 22nd of April, Sydney Comedy Festival, the 23rd and the 24th and the New Zealand Comedy Festival. That is the week after that. We will go back in time slightly less far to February 2018 and the lesser square theatre

with me, Nish Kumar and Alice Fraser. BELL RINGS Any, er, any particular requests, Nish? Any requests? I don't. Why, are there any stories you particularly want to get off your chest? I thought, I thought you went sort of in general. Do some cricket puns. I know. Don't say those words out loud.

LAUGHTER A man just immediately left. LAUGHTER Don't say those words out loud. A man just immediately left. As soon as I said cricket puns, I was like, just got up and he's walking at some speed. Either that guy really hates cricket puns or he is off to drop the mother of all doses. It was a very bold exit. Yeah, yeah. Eee. I've got nothing to add, you've stumped me.

Let's move on quickly to a story emerging from Iceland, where they have to be clamping down on people chopping the end of other people's penises, in which the Icelandic Parliament Oh god, no. Race, race, race, race, race. They're just, they're running out of it. They're just, they're running out of it. Oh, shit, I knew that was something I forgot to do. I was on circumcision duty, too, though. Liam. Ha, ha. The Icelandic parliament, there's a bill

that could ban circumcision for non-medical reasons. Family show, Christopher, family show. Family show. For those watching where there is at home, that is a half-pilled banana. Which ironically is what God was eating when he told Abraham to chop the onion. But of course, this has caused some russians amongst Jews. Well, of course, because, you know, as a, you know, though I am lapsed.

I'm in very lapsed. I'm very lapsed. But I haven't had it sewn back on yet. I'm not that lapsed. I'm a very, very lapsed Jew. So lapsed that I am, in fact, to all intents and purposes, simultaneously a Christian and a Muslim. The ultimate lapsed-do's in my book, basically me plus a few thousand years. But there are still some aspects of my Jewish background that I carry with me for life, for example, a fondness for Matt's dislike of genocide. An almost vice-like control of showbiz.

Murna, how do you think I got this gig? Did you know that an issue is the first non-Jewish comedian ever to play the Leicester Square fit And in absolute fairness, some racists on Twitter do think I'm Jewish. It's true. And above all, probably a lifelong fear of people attacking the end of my penis with a sharpened blade. I just can't shake for whatever reason. The draft load imposed a six-year prison term on anyone guilty of removing part or all of the child's sexual organs.

Look, they argue the practice of violence, children's rights. I'm not going to get involved in complex, fraud, religious, medical traditions, but just as a point of order, there is a big difference between part and all. I'm not. I'm not. The rest is just medical stuff.

I'm not going to. Doctors rest is just medical stuff, I'm not gonna. Doctors may recommend that a man or boy is circumcised if he has an unusually tight foreskin known as Phymosis or suffers from recurrent infections of the foreskin and penis known as Balonitis. Who said comedy can't be entered to a can't be here? Oh no, I see. Educational, that's the one I'm looking for. Ladies and gentlemen, the mother of all Freudian slips. Just do not use the word mother in that sentence.

You know, Freud was Jewish and the original Freudian slip is just the full skin. Why do I say the things I think aren't? You know, Freud was Jewish and the original Freudian slip is just the whole scheme. Why do I say the things I think are? I've got written material here. Who says comedy has to be entered? That'll be the epitaph on my headstone. That's really the motto of the bugle. That's really the motto of the bugle. LAUGHTER Oh.

That's the new line of merch after this stuff. That will be on there. Who says comedy has to be entertaining? LAUGHTER Certainly all my reviewers. LAUGHTER At mine, 1.5 stars, the Harold Sun 2014. Why bother with the half? Anyway.

Let's move on to... How are we doing for time, Chris? Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... Keep going. Can you keep going? I'm... Um... R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R- that could actually make a big difference. And that is that politicians, henceforth, do their thoughts and prayers in advance of these things rather than retrospectively afterwards

when they have limited practical value. The prayer really, I know God has a bit of a backlog on prayers, because just last week, he tried to save his kids ill cat, but the prayer had actually been made in the 1834 because he's so behind he accidentally on the site where this kids cat lived is now a zoo and he's just created a bionic lion so that'd be careful. I reckon we should do it like you know shops that don't accept cards and insist on cash because they're dodging their taxes. We should say we will take your thoughts and prayers,

but they just have to be reformatted slightly into the form of legislation. And we do not accept American Express thoughts and price. What is the point of an American Express card? We don't get it. I know this is not strictly topical, but that's not it, but... I think we need to look at the stats, though, because America, despite all its problems with gun crime, still has the third most people alive today

who have not been slain by firearms of any country in the world. Only China and India are ahead of it with more people and Australia, the pin-up boy of successful gun control, only 24 million people there who haven't been killed by guns. So that means in America you've got more than what, about 1,200% better chance. You can work statistics, as I've said before,

like a ventraliquist dummy. Shove your hand far enough up them, you can make them say whatever the f*** you want. Only children and idiots will take any notice. Biff. LAUGHTER Chris, how's the time doing? It's, you know, before it was bitten, yeah.

Yeah, now it's a bit... Right, okay, mission critical, is it? Have we got time for Q&A? I'm, yeah yeah um well seeing as there was such enthusiasm for it earlier and I feel like it would be rude to not do a bit of a Q&A we can make them talk um there's anyone got a question oh a hand went straight up always a bad sign hi um we're from Australia just want to know how do we get to lords? We'd like to see the ashes.

Practice, practice, practice. Or Bakerloo line to Marleyburn and then Walt. It's in the museum there. So the ashes, the greatest sporting trophy in the universe, although Australia technically might have won it by cheating. I don't know. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. at launch, it never leaves because Australia can't be trusted with it. You can't be trusted with anything. And also, I would say, we are the moral victors in the ashes. Because surely, we were.

Surely sport is not, it's not all about results. So it's also about having a good upstanding, morally correct team. And far, far better to lose the ashes, 4-0, with people like Ben Stokes, who was... BEEP. BEEP. To the face. Than the Australian team, which included Steve Smith,

sure, great batsman, but he's never explicitly condemned Joseph Stalin. LAUGHTER For... LAUGHTER Those are 13 million... ...lark him up. 13 million. ...lark him up.

13 million innocent David Warner. Yes, superb player. A very good series against England. But he has never explicitly criticised the CIA for their complicity in the overthrow of the democratically elected Chilean president Salvador Iende in the dodgy coup in the early 1970s. Mitchell Stark, yes, great bologna,

but does he even give a shit about the persecution of the Jews in late 12th century England? If he does, he's got a f***ing funny way of showing. LAUGHTER Oh, boy, Andy, I would get so mad at you for this if I care about sport. When you said you were here for the ashes, I thought you were talking about the series and I was like, I think you are simultaneously both late and early.

Anybody else got a cue? Oh, there's a man here who looks like a more handsome version of me. He does. All right, mate. Hi, guys. Thank you for the compliment. Why is it that only Alice has remembered her bugle issue pants? Let me emphasise that it's pants in the Americans' sense of the world. Both Nish and I are wearing full-on Bugle-Wife-Runch.

Yeah. I'm actually wearing a Bugle-Thong. Oliver's over my sack. It was all I could say. Thanks to the love guru, not the worst thing he's been involved in. We can say it. We can say it, Piers. It's fine for us. He's family. That was 2018. However, this bit is today, roughly 10 years ago, in 2008, in the commentary box, it's Andy Zoltzman and with him, John Oliver. Top story this week and democracy is everywhere. Democracy shoots have been sprouting out across the globe this week. Democracy is blooming Andy and it's time for it to be fully pollinated.

In America it's all been kicking off John. What a week for American democracy. It's been getting a bit nasty on the democratic side. Heather McClinton, run an ad vote, which seemed to suggest that Barack Obama will snatch your children from their beds as they sleep just because he's a bit inexperienced. Well, that's right. I mean, she's had quite a comeback. Her campaign recently had a priest following around, ready to issue it the last right but it it has spluttered back to life a rebound success has been chalked down to a series of attackers one surrounding a telephone uh saying it's 3am in the White House the phone is ringing who do you want to answer it

I tell you all want to answer that phone and a secretary an employed secretary or some kind of switchboard operator I don't want a president manning the phones. They have far more important work to do. Who's got the direct number of the president anyway? And why are they abusing it at 3 in the morning? Because this whole thing was about, you're children being safe and asleep in their bed in the middle of the night. But if it's at 3 a.m., I want someone to answer the phone in the White House who isn't going to put the phone down and then ring me straight up saying, are your children still safe and asleep? Well, you better wake them up? Sudan's kicking off. I want them to deal with it

and not involve my sleeping children in a global catastrophe. Is that too much to ask? It's good to see a bit of old-fashioned scare mongering coming into the election campaign at last because there's been a real lack of it. So far, and that's what democracy is all about, John, enabling the public to choose

which made up stories they want to be genuinely spooked by. And the Democrats can now concentrate on doing what they do best, completely destroying themselves. In this week of democracy, what reflects the democratic process better than the looming prospect of super delegates? Just under 800 individuals with the power to vote directly against the will of the people. In Russia, it seemed that only one vote was important, that vote being Vladimir Putin. In the US it's 794 super delegates, which makes America 794 times more democratic than Russia. And when you put it like that, it doesn't actually sound too bad. I think it's part of the reason as well why we've got excited about it in Britain, John, because we basically don't have elections anymore in Britain. The last two general elections were foregone conclusions. And the current leader Gordon Brown was elected after

a poll in which only two people voted, Brown and his predecessor Tony Blair, at a secret in a 13 years in advance. Now, understandably, that didn't really capture the public imagination. So we're kind of vicariously getting our fix of democracy through America, which is great. And also, it's only the second election since 1976, not to feature a member of the Bush family as a presidential or vice presidential candidate. So I think the world is just trying to enjoy that, well, it can because there are plenty more bushes where George W came from. They actually breed them on a secret ranch in Texas, and the ones that don't make it a sold for scrap to the Chinese, got an organ trade. But Bush, in fact, backed McCain, or semi-backed McCain this week, the now official Republican

presidential candidate. This is the man who he said was mentally unstable after his experiences as a prison of war, and also that he fathered a black baby. Can you really endorse someone who you've treated like that? Well, no, you can't. So he didn't. Instead, favouring a painfully awkward photo opportunity on the White House steps. And this week, Iran is voting on Friday in a general legislative election, but their campaign is only one week long. Now surely this is more of a justification for a military invasion than any suggested nuclear weapons program. They've got democracy, John, but they're not stringing it out long enough and they need to be taught a lesson. Reports have suggested more

than 90% of independent and reformers candidates in Iran have been disqualified from standing. Now I'm sure those conducting the candidate vetting process are keeping reform minded candidates off the ballot paper for perfectly reasonable and above board reasons, maybe they're helping them spend more time with their families. Or perhaps they realise that democracy is flawed and these would be candidates might find a more rewarding hobby. We just don't know. Also, posters with candidates pictures on have been banned because the government says they're wasteful and lead to a costly and boring post-election cleanup. Which is a mad nymphs reason for banning posters. Now this is a great way of suppressing the will of the people. So it's just it's hard to tidy up afterwards. I appreciate that. At least make it ever. They're also apparently planning

to block internet access on polling day. That's true. Given that you know just to make sure it's okay. Yeah. Well that's pretty much it. They're quite, they're quite, they're this will ensure unimpeded internet access for the government. How does other people have internet access in P to their access? That's not how the internet works. 2008 there, still one of the finest 20 or so years of this millennium so far. Let's get the bugle time machine cranking again back up to just one week ago and some secret, previously unreleased footage from last week's bugle recording. Honestly, it's like finding Winston Churchill's home videos of him doing karaoke with Stalin and Roosevelt at Yalta only more so, and with me, Felicity Ward and

Tiffany Stevenson instead, and a bit less singing. What's that for the quote for the while? We once shame on you, we twice shame on me. Yeah, it's like an ex boyfriend that just keeps turning up again. And you keep letting him back in. Yeah. Isn't each one... That was Shakespeare, wasn't it? He was also Shakespeare, yeah.

He hasn't seen a Silvio where on first night basis. He's taken his case to the European Court of Justice because he wants, if he wins, he'll be able to run again in the future. He's 85. I think that's just called the afterlife. That's the only time you can run. Because that'll be another four or seven years. Yeah.

I don't want an 85-year-old, I'm not Italian, maybe Italy wants that. I don't know. I don't want to... I think if you want an 85 in Italy, you want an 85-year, I'm not Italian, maybe Italy wants that, I don't know. I don't want to... I think if you want an 85 in Italy, you want an 85 year old non-er. That's who you want because non-er's run shit. Like that is no mess in non-er. And you're just turning out all of the time.

Yeah, exactly. You will never go hungry with a non-er in charge. Yeah, and that's a perfect, but I don't understand why, I mean, how old's Trump 72? 72 I'm just saying could we maybe get someone in their 50s or 60s? Is that to some young whipper snapper? What was had a political career? Yeah, we did try that here with David Cameron and that Tits up this spectacular way so Always Blair when he Blair was he'd have been mid 40s I reckon yeah and

Yeah, he split split a billion in the Maybe maybe to someone who who doesn't think the end is round the corner So maybe cares about what happens to people. Yeah, someone that doesn't need a hand rail in their bathroom Yeah, I don't want to be ages, but I do think there is a point where we can say it probably just step out of the race at some point in your seventies Yeah, I should take that back because there's plenty of people who are not able-bodied that have a handrail I take that back absolutely what I meant was just someone that is look Let's just lose that Tiny Blair

He also said that people are sacrificing peace in Northern Ireland on the altar of Brexit. Good old Tony Blair, former Prime Minister, Warmonger and perpetual giver of opinions we didn't ask for. If I had managed to escape being charged with a war crime, I'd just maintain a slightly lower profile. But Tony, I started a war that started the whole world crying Blair cannot keep his shit to himself. He loves it, doesn't he? I think he might be under something though. I think rather than sacrificing the Northern Iron Peace Procure, we should just be, you

know, learn from the ancient Greeks. We should just be sacrificing, you know,ughters the words actual literal sacrifaces. It works. Yeah, I'm not Trojan more than it just about oh, he's just gonna start taking all of Plato's ideas and then just you know, oh, why not yeah We're learning from the ancient Greeks. I mean they had they got some things right They're philosophy. Yeah democracy. had, they got some things right? They're from philosophy. Yeah. Democracy? Yeah. Yogurt? Yeah. Yeah. Well, even their yogurts, even their yogurts strained at the moment. But it's still got culture. Oh, ayo. I mean, that's so I'm so sorry. Do you know I'm so hungry I ate a little bit of mandarin rind before. I just realized, I've got the taste of citrus in my mouth and like, why is that? I was nervously

eating some peel of a satsuma. I don't know the difference between a mandarin and a satsuma, by the way. I just call them satsumas over here because everyone else does. Do you know the difference? You're sharing too much for the satsuma. Sorry, no, oranges, orange. No, it doesn't rhyme with anything. Is it lit?

That's true. Mind you, I, the side note, I did was part of a theatre sports competition when I was younger, like an improvisation competition. And I said to one of my teammates, set me up with the word orange, but say it in a fancy accent, and I managed to get the word Blomongin there and rhyme it. People weren't as impressed there neither. Let's move across the bottom to that. Sorry, sports as a phrase just fills me with a sick, cold sweat dread. Did you have the sport over here?

I realised after I said it was improv competitive. That's what we need in art, more competition. Making it more like sports. Also, what you want to do is give improv kids more confidence. What? Hainus. I thought when he meant unarmed, he just had his hands behind his back surrendering like he had in the past. Right.

He's not running. The only place he's running in is a KFC. Let's be honest. That's how you take Trump out. You just stand outside a KFC and rat a bargain bucket. Like literally, if you ever want to distract him, that's what I'm listening now. I'm so interested in that.

I was gonna say, and then he can have something to eat. He'll be distracted. He doesn't eat, he feeds, doesn't he? Yes, be honest. Trump feeds. He almost is. Like a trough. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

It's sort of crazy. A, the suggestion that this is what I would do when he wouldn't. The other crazy thing that has come out of this is when he went to go and meet the school kids that were involved. He took notes with him. He had to have notes in, with sort of lessons as to how to talk to children. And one of the notes he had was, I hear you, which presumably means I'm not listening. Like it's, but I'm not surprised

that he doesn't know how to talk to his kids because I've read a little bit of a Vanna Trump's autobiography, because someone had to. And you get a real sense of how their parenting skills affected and kind of why those kids are the way they are. I've got a little bit here for I'll reach you from Evanna's recipe for raising kids. I encourage my children to try new things.

As much as I can tell them they can do anything, I don't want them engaging in pastimes that have no future. I'm real first lady, I added that bit. All my kids play tennis and ski beautifully. This is genuinely true. This is directly from the autobiography, and this will explain everything. At the age of two, I took each of them to the top of the hill and told them, ski down! And they would, well, I don't like it!

Top honey, I tell them, get to the bottom of the mountain. Donnie and a vanco are too bad, but Eric would cry for hours at the time. I'd give him to the skin structure and say, don't worry if he cries, he'll get over it! He's got to learn! Today my kids love to ski, we are a skiing family. Speaking of guns, look, whenever Australia trends in news stories and on Twitter around the world, I never think this will be good. I'm never like, oh, I'm about to be proud.

Here we go. But in the wake of the Florida shooting, and it's happened multiple, multiple times. And the weird thing is, is the same thing happened here, but you guys, I don't think get the credit that you deserve for it. In 1996, in Australia, Port Arthur Tasmania, we had our biggest mass shooting, you know, aside from Aboriginal genocide. But if we don't include that, we had our biggest mass shooting and we had an incredibly conservative government at the time, with John John Howard who's been brought up already within 12 days banned automatic and semi-automatic weapons which was so far out of character for him but it was an immediate response that worked. I think the same thing happened here

after the dumb lane shooting. Yeah it turns out if you get rid of the guns people don't get shot or shock. In the National Gun Amnesty, Australians turned in more than 57,000 firearms to authorities. That was the recent one. Just last year. In America, by contrast, the authorities turned more than 57,000 firearms on Americans. So basically the same. It's going to work. It's got the words mixed up.

We should very quickly touch on the beast from the east. Brethren news. Here in Britain, Brethren has been brought to a standstill. The reason Tiff is here today, in fact, is because your show in Swansea was postponed by the beast from the east, this Arctic Russian weather, coming over here to spy on our British clouds. There's been some horrific incidents of, I mean obviously British infrastructure is not

deal to design, not... Design to deal with? It's probably may rubbing off a new and up. Physically and emotionally. Not designed to deal with weather that isn't proper British weather. We do not vote for this kind of weather. The government has let us down again. We like a mild version of every weather. I love it. London is just the city prepared for nothing.

It's a little bit of snow. Blizzard. All roads and trains. Shut down. 24 degree. It's a heatwave. All roads and trains. Shut down 24th of a group, it's a heatwave, all roads and trains, shut down 14 in drizzle, manageable, but no southern rail. It's beautiful how we know it's going to snow, but we know like six weeks, two months before it's going to happen, but still on the day they go, run out of salt.

Yeah, so don't, and that's a natural resource, we just run out of it, so don't get outside because you will die. Yeah. Or if you do, you have to take your salt grinder, season yourself down the street. One of the people who stuck on the M8 Motowane Scotland said it was like a car park, albeit a f***ing shitly designed car park. Several miles long, only three vehicles wide

and with no way out. So he throw then. That was the kind of car park we've had to get rid of in this country, It's really Brussels. Do you know the best thing about the beast from the east? And no disrespect to anyone that is suffering the consequences I understand. It's a real thing, but holy shit.

Tune into morning television weather presenters. Their eyes are fucking bugging out of their heads. We join, they get to use the word treacherous, minus double digits, and but warning, we are lucky they are not climaxing on screen. They are delighted. Into my honestly. And also watching like meek, well dressed, comfortably shoved little people go, the booth from the east. I love it. I would see kids playing it is sort of fun.

I went back to my mum's the other day. This is beautiful because near where my mum and dad live, there's a big hill. So there's loads of kids firing themselves down the hills on bin bags and stuff. I come back to Muzzwell Hill where I live now and I see kids walking along with cat kids and trays, which is just a beautiful, just showing the working class kid versus the

very spoiled middle class drought in Moswell Hill, like literally bin bags, calf kids and trays. Yeah, I ate a snowball yesterday, I rolled myself a little snowball and I went home and I ate it over the bar. Oh, did you? Yeah, I love it, mate. Did you check if it was yellow first? It wasn't yellow. If I needed to, I could have made it that way. But I did. I am absolutely delighted by this snow. You saw me before. I'm so close to going out and rolling in it.

And when I was, I think it was like 2009, something like that. There was a really bad winter. And I went up to Edinburgh for Christmas and I dived into a pile of snow because I was so happy and then I remembered that snow is frozen water and then my clothes became very wet. I do it again though. I love it. A little bit of physics.

There you go, something for everyone, depending on who everyone is. We will be back with a full bugle next week. Don't forget to book your tickets to the forthcoming bugle live shows in Melbourne on the 15th and 22nd of April, also in London and Manchester details online. And set sail now for the Australian New Zealand region if you want to see me doing my shows there unless you already live there, in which case maybe charter a donkey and ride to the shows instead. Until next week, yours in silly, etc. and resultsman.

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