The Bugle - Bonus Bugle - Your Questions Answered!

Episode Date: December 5, 2020

Andy is joined by Alice Fraser and (Producer) Chris Skinner to answer your questions about this fine show, including John Oliver, Tr*mp, The Last Post, Milk jugs, puns and violence. Buy a loved one Bugle Merch for Xmas - bobble hats, scarves and HAGOW T Shirts are on sale!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserChris SkinnerAnd produced by Chris Skinner. LISTEN TO BUSH'S BOARD GAME THING Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Welcome to the bonus Bugle with the working title 4175A. I am Andy Zautzmann doing an absolutely killer impression of Chris the producer. And in no way did I just go out for the day without recording this intro, I would never do that. Whilst I'm here, I would like to say a few things. Number 1 Bloody Hell That Chris is great. What a guy. I couldn't do without him. Number 2. It's holiday season. And no, I'm not going to go and say which one. It's your life you choose. But it is time to treat yourself or a loved one so why not get some official

bugle merch. We have half a glass of water t-shirts that are selling fast, like really fast, like almost sold out, and interestingly, if you get a half a glass of water t-shirt soaking wet and then squeeze all the water out, it actually will feel half a glass of water. There's also hats and jumpers and scarves and stickers. You can get them all wet too if you like. I don't care. Bye now. Okay.

On with the show, it's a bugle Q&A that we recorded live on the internet with video and stuff yesterday. It's still there somewhere. In it, I and Disautomon, and with producer Chris and Alice Fraser answering questions about this fine show, plus stuff about John Oliver, who, the last post, Milk Jugs and Violence. And then, there's some lies. Here we go. I'm going to start with three questions combined from Jennifer Boge at Paul Crawford and Marcy

along with, so we've got 8am, f*** you Chris, why did I have to get up this early and will you be recording this so as some of us on PST can listen and watch later. Well, PST, I think you can get a medical treatment for that now. But, yes, well, we are recording this. So if you are not watching this now, you will be able to listen to its at a later stage highlights will go out on the, as part of this week's sub-abucal, 4175 sub-episode A.

So you can both, you can listen and all watch later. I mean it's a visual spectacle as all bugle shows are. So in many ways I believe that although we start as an audio newspaper, we've become much more about the pure visual element of... Certainly all of your dance videos, immensely popular TikToks would indicate that your complex opinions are actually best and most particularly expressed in the medium of modern dance. Yes, well many people have said that in the past and I mean it does the body doubles cost a huge amount but I think they're worth every single penny.

The grace of an eagle, the aggression of a swan. 8 a.m. So that sounds like East Coast North America. I mean that's an early FUC to to firing Chris. I mean does the time of day that you receive these anti-greetings make a difference to the impact they have on the devastation they impart in your soul? Yeah, it's actually very difficult for me to start the day without being told to myself. Like, I feel a little at sea. Before the watershed. So, Alice is the only person allowed to swear on the show because it's part bedtime where she is.

Whereas we are broadcasting, you're broadcasting to North America, you're applying to kids over the breakfast table, their parents, you know, see the bugle as an educational resource, more than anything that they use to tell their children the truth about the world, and you've solid it with your potty mouth, you've been ashamed of yourself. Well, coming from a father who has dropped far more significant language in live shows in front of his own children. Yes, well I mean and we had a question about I saw this coming a question about me delivering my son so imagine actually the first word he heard was probably me dropping the big one. Well you know and it's important to give things their proper terms you want to you know you want to call things by their proper names is by the

modern child rearing experience and you've got to call a spayed a f***ing to sometimes. LAUGHTER Family show, Alex. Someone to see Jeff on the YouTube chat. Just that Alex is the only person allowed to swear on the show. Should be part of our new merch range. No. There were... You've got to cover the ears.

Because we'll get right on it. Paul Crawford, who asked why do I have to get up this early? Well, fundamentally, Paul, it's due to the dog eat dog capitalist world that we live in. That's well we all have to get up too early to work too hard to be not happy enough. So blame that as Ayn Rand famously wrote, if you don't leap out of bed at 5.30 at 5.30 a.m. someone else is going to smother you to death with a pillow mode of coffee. But I mean that's that's what we thought the Cold War fought. Sorry about that. There was also a couple of questions coming in at Chris highlighting that we'd scheduled this to happen during the first

South Africa versus England 1NC cricket match. Well, the cricket match in Mayna, that game has been postponed allegedly due to a COVID test, but the real reason is because I wield so much power in the cricket world that they realised they could not have an international match, clashing with this hastily arranged bugle-life Q&A. I like the thought of it, baby being a bugle-over there who had to dish out a false positive test result to someone just in order to guarantee your full attention for the next hour. I mean that is underrated in the commitment of bugle fans, they definitely went licked someone. Can I just ask before we move on to general bullshit? Tom Walker wants to know, each of you, what is your favourite flavour of of crisp and I assume they mean potato chip?

I would say I like a salt and vinegar chips because there's something claggy about most other flavours. We're a salt and vinegar, clear your mouth as you eat them. Right, I mean to me Mr Walker, let's just pick up on that name a bit, I mean is this, are you basically just trying to tie up some lucrative deal with the world's leading podcast, Walker? Chip Naven. Mark at your, Mark at your crisps to our 7.8 billion listeners, which is more people than a currently alive in the world, extraordinary.

But we are, we are counting dead people. That's all the rage these days. So I'm 84% of all the votes in American election, of course, cast by the dead. But that's a fact. I mean, it's not a true fact. Still a fact. I believe Tom Walker that flavor in crisps and snacks is passe. I don't, I'm not interested in what it tastes like. I want, I'm interested in what food makes me feel. I think emotional crisps are the future. And of course, friend of the show, Scluton Malvain, did recently open his new Emoto bistro in which each dish

is intended to provoke an emotion. More than a flavor signature dish is intended to provoke an emotion. More than a flavor signature dish is include hollow-eyed haddock pessimistically served on a resigned bed of fetacompli seaweed and gun points served ransom of lambs liver frightened to equivering terrarine tormented by a haunting memory of spirit broken split peas and he's launching a new range of emotional crisps as well the flavors are hope and wispfulness dread and suppressed regret and confused betrayal, which I think is the most directly equivalent to cheese and onion.

Matthew Gwynn has been in touch. This is a long one. Andy, I think you're going to need to cast your mind back to episode 193, where in that bugle you accused Osama bin Laden of using 150 chickens for a seven-round single elimination tournament with 22 reserve chickens to replace winning chickens that die from injuries sustained. Correct. I think what our correspondent here wants to know is should you not have done an eight round tournament with first round buyers for some of the chickens

and subsequent chicken fatalities being an automatic loss in the next round, which would be more in character with Aussies character and temperament, sure you might end up with no surviving chickens, but fair is fair. Well, look, look, what I would say is that you're misrepresenting what I said on that occasion. I didn't accuse bin Laden of holding this tournament.

I merely picked up on the fact that one of the details that emerged after he was compromised to a permanent end, as I believe John Oliver reported John Sainath was that he had 150 chickens and I pointed out that this was a really weird number of chickens to have because it meant that you could not have a fair seven round knockout and if he did it anyway of doing it whether with your buy round by rounds by you know, how do you, how do you seed chickens? Do you know, do, how do you decide which ones get, get the buy? And do you just do a random draw? That doesn't seem, the point was Bin Laden had clearly not thought about the,

the fairness of any knockout chicken competition, which really reveals a lot about the man and his, and his appalling moral compass. So either way, whether you do it as a knockout with backup chickens parachute it in, suddenly you could have a chicken only having to fight the final winning the whole thing, obviously unfair or by some kind of complicated repertoire system. The point is Bin Laden did not give any thought to the fairness of a chicken knockout competition and you know that if you needed any further evidence that this was not a nice man to hang out with surely surely that was it. Yeah, Monster, Monster. Kyle also wants to cast your minds back to Bugle 151 and has asked when will you formally

apologise for what happened in that episode? Andy, you might need to give some context as to what we did. I mean, I think the immediate thought would be a panel or something objectable going in the bin, but is it more than that. Well, look, I took a look back at episode 151, which you know, I'm sure everyone remembers very clearly. We did report on the Royal Wedding in that, the Wedding of William and Trane Queen Kate. I don't know if that's what you want, the apology for Kyle, is that, I mean, is that, is that is it you so appalled by two young people wanting to share their lives together in the the the the the holy sanctified

Institution of royal matrimony which is my ordinary matrimony, but weird or also in 151 and you know we we Well, I mean we might have to apologise for this. We did speculate on the seemingly distant prospects of Donald Trump becoming president. Now, I can't if we'd already done this on a previous bugle, but the barma-birth story was in the news that week. And I'm just looking back at the my notes from that script are quite an article on Al Jazeera. From 2011 saying Donald Trump is the living embodiment

of every degrading aspect of American culture. And those words have really stood the test of time very well. Indeed there was a Trump fact box about how he made a lot of his money from casinos, so this background in fleas in the American public was promising them unattainable dreams and stacking the odds artificially against them. Is ideal preparation for career and top level politics? You know, I am a prophet. It's not easy. It's not easy to be me. When I know the power I wield with my words from podcasts from nine years ago. So yes, we did, also he was a member of the Gaming Hall of Fame and I assume that means gambling, the sort of gaming rather than, you know, computer gaming. And we've had, or Neil Stas is the game. Exactly. We've had some questions in about the Watch Dogs

Legion game and which Alice and I feature. I don't know if we would put any of them on the list of questions but there was some skepticism Alice about how much I know about the gaming world and whether I'm not fully up to speed with what the kids are. I mean that's pretty harsh isn't it? Or actually cutting edge? Oh yeah, absolutely. You have the rapid fire thumbs of a 13 year old competitive Korean eSports champion. Thank you.

Yeah, they just happen to be attached to the risks of a man who would much rather use them to write cricket statistics. Andy, you keep putting sections in the bin. Right. Has anyone ever emptied this bin? Well, I mean, it depends what you mean by a bin. Sorry, this was from I should give credit where credits do Alex be clandered. Thank you, Alex. Well, there's a couple of ways of answering this. One is, you know, what is a bin? Is it not merely a manifestation of the emptiness of our souls? And the other is, the bin obviously is metaphorical.

Because as long-term bugles will know, in one of the very first episodes of the bugle, reported the harrowing story that our bin had been stolen. It's back in 2007 by some people from, well, a couple of doors down. And ever since then, it's been half-minute talk about bins. In answer to your question, the bin is merely the coal oil and gas of future generations, as no doubt some very dead trees would testify.

Now the show has a long history of literary tie-ins. Yes. You know in recent times Alice has worked with like the acclaimed dancey Lagarde. Historically we built up a relationship with, I believe, the Grisham Foundation for a title, The Congressman's Peace. At Neil Peter writes in and asked, whatever happened to the sequel of that novel? Well, it was Grisham, wasn't it? The writer of the...it wasn't my work. We just had a deal to serialise it.

But I'm afraid the whole franchise hit a bit of a buffers when they decided to reboot, do this second follow-up version of the story around a congresswoman proved, well, unpublishedly graphic. So that's, you know, it just went the way of many literary projects. Alice, there's a question coming for you on Twitter from Sub-Aulble. I need to know how much cheese is too much cheese. There. Again, I feel like context matters here.

I need to know the circumstances in which you require this answer. I would say too much cheese is just slightly more than enough cheese. And this is from Aaron Green. Are you aware of a universe in which you or your doppelganger is a flamingo? If yes, do they also not have COVID-19 and would you be willing to accept that trade off? Absolutely not. There is no amount of money you could pay me, no incentive that you could offer me, no possible set of circumstances in which I would contemplate aligning myself with those filthy, not-need swamp dwelling,

silt, sucking, baby stealing, red cottage cheese vomiting about aberrations in the name of both nature and good taste. So yes, I would rather have myself thrown into a silac pit full of woodchippers than contemplate even the possibility of a universe in which I am little on Am close to a flamingo That flamingo in your description definitely sounded You've got two legs Just stalks crushed with communism You've got two legs, use them. They're just stalks crushed with communism. Before we move into another subject area, I just wanted to reflect on Tom Ward's brilliant question. Okay, yeah.

The question really, have I wasted my life as only part of his brilliant? Because he has... Well, again, that is very much the working subtitle of this podcast. From Dave. working subtitle of this podcast. From Dave. So Tom has made a list of all the bands that Andy you claim to have been in at school. Going back to Bugle 22's, the tarp all in of Mercy. 64's, sausage forecast.

Yeah, we're working through a budget hazelnut yogurt, kung fu fatty and the second gig of corn, have a good appetite. Testicular zone. Oh yeah, that was arguably a bit too far for the audience at the time. Impromptu piss sprinkler. In advice. I was badly advised by my agent. Serion electronic army.

I stand by that work. I mean it was derivative, I mean craft work fans thought it was just us playing craft work through a Syrian flag. But anyway, it was experimental for what it was. Slapstick Gandhi. The best kind of Gandhi. Permian triassic extinction event. Yeah, I mean not your classic blues, blues band name, but you know it was and it did make it hard to really penetrate that massively lucrative market. The next two amazingly invented just for sub episodes, so 251A, Cura Rista Crats of Qatar. And 258A, Bandito Fury. Both good bands.

I mean, some of the work that Bandito did was terrific. I think it stands the test of time, and of course I was at school at the time. And some of these bands overlapped, you know, I was at school for 13 years, from the age of five to 17, 18. So, you know, a lot of time for bands, that was because you've been on the internet.

We're gonna move on to a different subject matter. I guess both of you will have a view on this. From Phil Davison, will the Trump presidency, I guess, deserve and receive a fuck eulogy? Well, I mean, you're assuming Phil that he actually lost and the trimmers will not be known by 20th of January. And also, if that does happen, you're also assuming that... I mean, yeah, we've talked about this on the bugle. I'd love to think that the Trump story, as Pressaged in Buego 151, is over. But I think every right-thinking human being fears that in many ways this might be just the, with hindsight, almost likely amusing prequel

to whatever make follow in future years. Well, I would love to do that. We will certainly give it the send-off, this presidency, the send off, it deserves even whilst properly shitting ourselves about the future. Well, Alice, how do you intend to mark the end of the Trump presidency? Well, I have to say, Andy, as a satirist, as a satirist who's in the arts community, which is, as we know, dominated by majority leftists, I am sick of the lazy, anti-Trump jokes and as such, I will probably gather all of my lazy Trump jokes and fire them off in

one glorious spasm of completion. I think I will be happy never to write another Trump joke, but as you say, I fear that the requirement for comedy will never cease. The... I'd be asked, well, what I'll do after this, I'll post a link to, or the Trump routine I enjoyed doing most, which I recorded a version of at the Great Debate in Australia a few years ago, which the only way that I could cope with Trumpic news as the L Livered Snowflake stroke Someone who has vague hopes for a better planet Delete according to your political preference that I am was to

Print out his brain as a cauliflower and get him to talk about cricket. I'll I'll tweet a link to that He has an incredible it's probably isn't the highlight my career. He has an incredible ability to use half sentences to gesture towards meanings that his audience wants to hear. It's a powerful use of language as an emotional hand-weight. Like everything he says is a Rochart test where the picture is a penis holding a gun and a credit card. For a shell company, it doesn't exist. I think that if you'd won this election, that is what the American flag would have become at the end of next year. Didn't your cauliflower Trump actually have some objectionable views on cricket as well? Oh, God, I went through various iterations Chris.

It's been a while since then. But also I found that I was the only way that I felt like a deal with Trump news was but when I started, and I, we did it a few times on the bugles, well, chopping up Trump's but it meant that when he was on the news, I ceased listening to what he was actually saying and was only listening to his words and he was walking at you know, how can I chop this up to make it turn into something else? And it made it actually a lot easier. I would recommend it, Harley. It really takes the edge off things. You wouldn't take money from Trump if he wrote it on the money he owed you. So, let's, as we're in the middle of our day, let's

do the middle of this show in Britain with Ian Wilson's question about where does Canada fall on Gavin Williamson's big list of countries if the UK government are going to go all in on a trade deal with Gretsky land. Well, obviously, I mean, this has been a great week for Britain, but the exciting news, obviously around the world, people are getting excited about vaccines, and we've cleared it for use. And Gavin Williamson, who is, and I say this with the heaviest of hearts, education secretary,

obvious country, the man in charge of what British children are taught in school, said that the reason that we have cleared these vaccines for use before, other countries, is because we are a better country, we are a greater nation than some of these other countries with, you know, stickling for detail and, you know, double checking stuff and not having quite as bad a virus as we've had because they're not as great a country.

We've fronted up to this virus, we refuse to let it, not infect us. We took it full on and That's what makes that's what makes Britain the obviously the greatest greatest country in the history of the entire Universe in in the head of a great Gretsky land I think it's a good name for Canada. It's got a sort of you know start marketing itself a bit more aggressively and Obviously, how the the ice hockey fan is the most powerful demographic in global politics now. I mean Alice, where do you think Australia stands on the list of

greatest countries in the world behind Britain obviously? It depends on your metrics for measuring the greatest. I mean have we dealt with the virus way better than you have? Yes. Are we built on stolen land? Yes. Did we the other day have 40 degrees centigrade temperatures and 90 kilometer winds at the beginning of a spectacular bush for our season? I'm that's just a prediction. But it's a pretty good prediction. And the next day we had Hale. So I feel Australia is certainly one of the most excitingly climactic places.

I don't know where that falls on the list. Yeah. But I mean, we've been, I've been world leading in so many aspects of the fight against the virus. The most incompetence responses will right up. They're not necessarily top. So before you start writing in American Buegel fans, I'm not claiming we did it worse,

better, betterly worse than than than anyone, but we've been right up there. Definitely podium, podium finish. A quick shout out to Cosmo who says that he, I guess, maybe she, discovered you guys via the game, the Ubisoft game, on the bug. Yes. And wasn't aware of the podcast, but it's now a fan because of your in-game roles. My career is complete. Hello Cosmo, welcome. Those are a question, Chris, I wanted to address from Guy Kunliff, which was this, how many porcelain milk jugs would you need to scoop up all the lies Donald Trump has told

in office? And how far would those milk jugs extend if you line them up next to each other please give the answer in a round trip. This ties in with kind of calculations, the kind of pioneering mathematical calculations we've always done on this show, getting right back. So was it frozen cricket bats full of oil or something? Way back. So anyway, I've done some math for you, Guy. According to the Washington Post's lie counter of Trump, he went through the 20,000 lie barrier a few months ago.

So God knows after the election exactly what it is. But he was averaging over 15 a day, and that's even before the election and the post election and that's only the ones that he's published or set out loud. So they're not even including all the lies he tells himself, which is on the way off the scale. So, but I'm not sure how they counted, you know, for example, so it is a 43 minute video containing an unending shitch under of lies. Does that count as one lie or is each individual lie within that counted separate? I mean, I mean, Alice, you're

obviously a philosophy expert. I mean, how do you define 43 minute barrage of lies? So we do count that as a lie or what is it? I mean, a web of lies, a tissue of lies. Yeah, I feel like it's like a babushka doll. In that, babushka doll is the entire thing, but then within it, it contains a number of smaller babushka dolls except in the case of cross lies. Often, you'll open the babushka doll inside is larger and undermining democracy.

Yes. So, basically, I don't know if the overlapping into 20 webs of lies multiplied together or you do some sort of average smoothing, but anyway, the point is, say if we take it even at just 22,000 lies, even if we assume that you actually slow down about this year, if you converted 22,000 lies into milk, and milk is itself a lie because it's not a white liquid, it's a colloid, it's not what it pretends, anyway, the point is assuming one lie is equivalent to four and a half pints of milk, which is about the amount of milk you would need to have intravenously injected before you start to doubt whether this particular vaccine is a genuine one and whether this particular doctor is fully qualified or just has a vague memory about vaccination having something to do with cows. Anyway, so you've got 22,000 lies at 4.5 pints of milk per month.

As much milk as you drink in the Goamad protocol, I think. Something like that. And say you've got, yeah, porcelain milk jugs of 225 mil about 12 centimeters across. You're going to need 249,900 milk jugs. I'm bull parking here. If you line them outside by side, that's about 30 kilometers or 18 miles, which is the exact distance of the round trip from the White House to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center where Trump was treated for COVID. This goes right to the top people right in this year of conspiracies.

I think I'm what I've landed on the biggest one. The Walter Reed Medical Center, of course, named after Walter Reed, the sorry, in England batsman of the late 19th century. Let's take this one from Alistair Boynton. How big and fancy are the Christmas cards that John Oliver sends over nowadays? And are they signed by his secretary? Well, I mean, he doesn't really send Christmas cards anymore. He sends an entire theatre troupe to perform a Christmas greeting for me, and they set up a stage, takes them about three days to get all the scaffolding up.

And then it's about a 100 strong troop plus orchestra in a pit that we have on the pavement outside our house. And they just do a little Christmas show lasting about 90 to 120 seconds. And we say it's a lovely gesture. And it shows that he hasn't forgotten about Britain. Yes, particularly in Joy, how he always themes it to the bad taste Christmas card. The punchline is something like, I'll have Santa up my chimney, or psees.

David Hemings points out that John has a sewage treatment works named after him. Andy and Alice, which public utility would you like to have named after you guys? Alice, I'll let you do this. I mean, I would say this is a feature of Sydney. So if we have any Australians watching this show, go to bed, it's late, but also all of our public facilities, particularly in the eastern suburbs of Sydney, are having incredible views. So you have like an electricity substation with like sweeping views of the harbor and the ocean. So in terms of my own sort of pleasure, it would be something like that,

but realistically speaking, what I always want is a toilet Great well my father had a urinal named after him at his university the full story of How and why that happened is shrouded in 1960s mystery Apparently dead there was for a time a a Zoltzmann memorial. You're right. So it's hard to know, you know, obviously that's you know, in typical John Oliver style. He's taking it one step further, but

I don't know how the interiors sewage works, named after him. For me personally, I would like to have the public utility I'd like to have would be a levitating bench. It's like a normal bench but it doesn't have a lension just half of the bench height but I don't know if the cost of that is probably pretty much. A natural segue into some questions on the last post. This from Ali, ask Alice, who does the last post of Alice Fraser announcement in the intro? It sounds like John Oliver. Does he need to do voiceover work to pay bills in another dimension? Well, you'd have to ask alternate universe Alice about that, but as far as I know that John Oliver in that dimension is a shoes salesman, so he may do some voiceover acting on the side.

Ralph Paulson wants to know, possibly wrong dimension as you might have alluded to there, Alice, but will Christopher be shit out of luck on the 1st of January 2021? That was another band-oves in at school as well. 2020, that was another band-o's in at school as well. I can't tell if this is an oblique question about the end of the last post or whether they just want the best for Christopher as we all do in the other dimensions such a nice man as all of his many husbands and wives would say just overflowing with love and generosity. So I hope he will not be shit out of like I feel we have probably wished him sufficient luck to carry him into the

new year at which point he'll have made enough passionate connections with wealthy people to continue to fund his extravagant lifestyle. I genuinely fantasize about going into that universe, that dimension, killing Christopher, taking that wonderful reputation in life that he has, and just carrying on as me in that world. Is that wrong with me? Yes. Is it? This comes from Scott to you.

Oh, Scott? Alice, for the last post, how much of the jokes about the difference between the world? Do you keep notes on, like a new New New Zealand or Sweden not being there? All of the last post. Well, I can, if anyone wants to know, I can show you my mood board here. So, if you could read any of that, you'll have some sense of how much planning I do. Quarantan asks, what is the present location of the test match ball I rolled on the stage at you, greatest heckling history, the Aladdin in Portland in the before type.

Yes, well this was the show two or three years ago, and I think I must have mentioned it on the view and if you rolled a cricket ball across the state, let me tell you where that cricket ball is. Was I a giant head in that show? Yes, I think you were. Yes, this is it. This is the ball from Portland, and that's obviously in my desk. I've also got this one.

I have one and a few practice balls too. But this is the one, this is the one, that narrow old style seam that rolled across the state. This is a piece of comedy history, a piece of comedy history of a real interest only to me and Quarantine, who sort of tweeted that question. At this stage of a show, we should probably be talking a little bit more about puns. All right. Jeff would like to know, with the wealth of material available, why hasn't Andy done a pun run using co-host names? Oh that's a bad thought. Thanks Jeff.

Yeah it is. I think it's because I can't get the phrasalogy of it. I'll see if I can get a pal to help me out. Oh no. Oh dear. You started it. I don't know how I started it. With North Korea, I think. Tony asks a big question. Do you do the pun runs for

A, the pleasure of bringing home a particularly complex pun? B, the spite in doing them, despite the pain they caused to other people, simply the sheer fun of it, or do you all of the above? Well, I mean, D is probably closest because I mean how do you separate A, B and C there? They're all very much three of the same side of the same one-sided coin, if I may put it in those terms. But it sits, you know, it's that and also it's just the, you know, the sensation that I'm being alive. I mean, I mean, there is no greater work, some people do surfing or, you know, do fly wing suits. I think sitting up at three in the morning in beds, writing puns about

dogs. That's my wing-sooting jump off the Burst Khalifa. We all have different ways of exciting ourselves. Well, I feel that people underrate puns as sort of a frivolous pursuit, but essentially we understand the world, particularly in the modern ages as a process of semantics. You know, we all live online lives, we live a life of words, and puns cast doubt on the very ability of language to touch on meaning. They open a chasm into the void of meaninglessness. And so I feel are an incredibly dangerous toy to play with. Well, I don't see them as a toy.

So I see, you know, with great power comes great responsibility, Chris. And I hope I use that responsibility greatly. We're almost for it, audience. Martin Edwards, I want to know, is there any, and I think everyone knows your answer to this, but I'm going to ask it anyway. Alice might have a different take. Is there any better food than a sausage wrapped in bacon

served on a bed of pork dusted with crackling. So, an even number, it's fine, that's all I'm saying. I would say yes, but I'm not going to tell you about it because it's my secret. What if we were to offer to serve you sausage wrapped in bacon served on a bed of pork and dusted with crackling in exchange for the secret? I would say no thank you. And finally guys, unless something comes in that you guys want to attach onto, this is from Progress is the way forward. Sirius question, if the flamingos take over the planet

and force a thunder dome situation between a liturative and zelts cricket, who would win? Yes, well I've never won a fight in my entire life. I've not lost many, any. I'm a coward, but I'm also a strategist, so I've managed to avoid fights. So, yeah, I mean, it's not a question of when, I'm not saying I'd win, I'm saying I would not lose. I would say working with Andy Zoltzman, I have learned that he is a gentleman and indeed a kind and generous human being and I am a vicious predator waiting to leap on any sign of weakness. So it would definitely be me. Also, I have a twin brother, so I know

how to fight. And I have an older brother, so I know how to afford the fight. Well, look, you have an older brother brother so you know how to take a beating. Well, thank you, thank you to Chris, thank you enormously to Alice as ever for once again joining us at an anti-social time of her day. And of course, thank you to the Bugle Merge that you can see that look at that t-shirt Bubble hat of the year. That's given by the international Society of millenas and

It's all available on the Bugle webpage. We'll be back next week. Oh, yeah, Alice. Yes, we also have Merchandise for the last post half a glass of water, and if you're a small fish in a large basket ball court, that's what you want. You're on a half a glass of water. Also, put a pin on the 20th of December for around this time. And you know, if we don't figure something out, then just enjoy yourself during that period for me. I think Alice, are you trying to say that we're going to be doing something live on the internet? Yes, but I didn't want to promise anything that I can't keep. No, I think you should promise because then that gives us an obligation that we've got to follow through.

Right. On the 20th of December, tune back into bugle headquarters for a live last post something. And also, let's say this now, so we have to commit to, we're going to do a bugle live review of the year in some format online, probably around about the 29th or 30th of December. That's a little tease, and that we are supposed to do commercially Christian tease people. You don't give it a great thought. Straight away, you just float it out there. Every time, every time, Andrew, I just, I look at us and I think, ah, what cutting-edge business people we are, what entrepreneurs.

What an amazing sense, that's how I can afford this office. And here now are this week's lies about our bugle premium level voluntary subscribers to join them or to make anyone off or recurring donation to keep the bugle free, flourishing and independent, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Lies please. Ebony Constant believes that it is ashamed that there are not public laboratories in the same way there are public parks and benches. It would democratise science, says Ebony, which for too long has been the preserve of people

who happened to have the right type of glasses and the right type of coat. Ebony continues, if everyone could just nip down to the local lab to test out some crackpot theory they've come up with, the chances are eventually someone would actually flook something worthwhile, Alexander Fleming's style. Matt Duncley would like to see a revival of the ancient Christmas tradition of donkey interrogation. I reckon they're hiding a lot more than they led on, says a skeptical Matt, those donkeys. Physically they've not got a lot going for them apart from strength and stamina, but they managed to weadle their way into the highest echelons of some of the top Bible committees, so I think they're probably spies passing on info. Karl Yewood points out that there was in fact no-no Christmas tradition of donkey interrogation,

and that the rumor that Matt had heard that there was came from a misinterpretation of a scene at an amateur dramatic group's Christmas pantomime involving a heated argument in which an older-than-narratively ideal Prince Charming accused both group's Christmas pantomime involving a heated argument in which an older than narratively ideal Prince Charming accused both halves of the pantomime horse of having an affair with each other. Daniel Keman thinks that most ancient traditions are probably made up by lazy historians anyway. Let's face it says, Daniel, if you're a historian it's quite easy to just make something up. You then hire a few actors to do those slow motion shots they use in TV documentaries to stop people switching over to watch the football. And then bingo, you're suddenly a world expert in the lost art of hedge-frobing or the Treaty

of Snutterbridge in 1621, or why ancient Sumerian dogs couldn't bark. I'm not judging anyone, I'm just telling it like it is, concludes Daniel. Edward McDonough does not believe that the moon landings were faked, but does believe that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were fakes. In fact, says Edward, the two people who did in fact plot onto the moon in fact were in fact the then CIA director Richard M. Helms and Secretary of State William P. Rogers, who went to negotiate with any moon people or other aliens in an effort to build alliances against a the Soviet Union and b the Martians.

And Rory H.J. believes that someday the United Nations will finally get round to imposing a single global bedtime. Obviously, says Rory, it would be categorised by age bracket up to the age of 18 and then again from the age of 45 upwards, but it might prove surprisingly popular and clear up a lot of arguments between children and their parents and later in life vice versa. Here endeth this week's lies. Goodbye.