The Bugle - Bonus: Everything August aka Silly Season

Episode Date: August 5, 2017

Andy looks back at everything that's ever happened in the world, in August, on The Bugle. Features Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver on Gaddafi, The Olympics, Afghanistan AND THE WORST RUSSIAN NEWS YOU'LL EVER HEAR Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Buggers, and welcome to Bugal 4,037, sub-episode B for Baldur Dash Bologna Bunkham and Bullshit, the official law firm of the Bugal Podcast. I am Andy Zoltzman, I'm approaching the end of my holidays now, where, if all has gone

according to plan I will have made it to the quarterfinals at least of the Mr. Dry T-Shirt competition, performed a full 720-air reverse on my indoor surfboard, seen and shot a live teradactyl, and squeezed most of an ancient temple into my suitcase in the traditional British manner. It is now officially August, the renowned month which despite claims of the country from some people in the southern hemisphere is in the summer. It's a quality month is August a terrific 31 day wopper. It is of course neurosurgery out reach month, so do take advantage of this to reach out and perform some neurosurgery on someone.

The star sign for the earlier part of August that we're currently in is Leo, and the reason for that is because statistically lions on average sli more zebras from the 22nd of July to the 22nd of August than in any other single week of the year. Julius Caesar, the former Roman big cheese and Slaiings monthly magazines, assassination victim of the year in 44PC, well he whacked a couple of extra days into what's now August, it was then the piddlingly short 29-day month of Sex Dillis. That was August's month predecessor, so called, in honour of the Roman Sex Dial Industry. Man, did they make some seriously horn-inducing fabrics? Oh, Jupiter. Caesar added those extra days in 45 BC, the next year, as I said, he launched his famous

involuntary human-pink-ushen impersonation act. You join the dots, people. Do not add days to August, or your buddies will try to pop you like a balloon. Anyway, August was named after Caesar's adopted son, Octavian, who changed his name to Augustus, because he didn't think that Octavember would be a good name for a month. Too confusing, really. Anyway, let's take a dance back through time to see what the Bugle had to say about a world Augustus would ironically never live to see himself, a world 2,000 years after he

popped his Imperial clogs in 14 AD. And let's start back in August 2007. Here I am with my then co-host, Mr. John Oliver. The Bugle did not exist in August 2007. It began in October of that year, which was, as so often, after August. Yes, a good point, let's move swiftly on then to August 2008, the first August in Bugle History. So what the hell was happening then?

So how do you feel? Do you feel safe? Do you feel safe where you are? I suppose that really does depend on where you're listening to this. If you're listening to this say halfway up a staircase trying to move a piano, then you're clearly not particularly safe. You're in danger of something at worst life threatening and at best hilarious happening. But aside from slapstick, I'm really talking about the kind of safety that only governments can provide us with. And you should feel safer, because this is the week that the mastermind behind 9-11

was finally brought to justice. Well, yeah, I mean, maybe not the mastermind, but certainly the man who drove him around a bit. This really isn't so much of a terrorist as a man guilty of a traffic violation. The point is, you should feel a lot safer. Salim Hamdan, who was bin Laden's driver from 1997 to 2001 and did it for $200 a month, about £19.00, said he worked for wages, not to wage war on the US. I suppose the war on the US was just a tip, Andy. It's pretty generous one as well, kind of a Christmas bonus. I guess that works out at more than 15% as well, yes, pretty good tip. Yeah, not bad, it's a way, he's a generous man, bin Laden. That is

as far as we've got in the war on terror, seven years after the attacks on New York and the driver, and not even the getaway driver, the getaway driver. Well, I guess we can all sleep much easier in our beds at night, John, knowing that the world's number one ranked baddie will have to get another person to show for him around. That makes me feel much more secure. And to be fair, John, he was slightly more guilty than people

who made out. He was convicted of supporting terrorism and also having one of those in-car air fresheners hanging from his rearview mirror in the shape of Bin Laden hitting Abraham Lincoln on the head with a baguette. That is very provocative. Prosecutors had wanted a 30-year sentence to deter would-be terrorists to be more accurate, to deter people from driving them around. And it's now going to be virtually impossible for bin Laden to get a cab. That's

what we've achieved. Let that monster stand in the rain with his thumb out as cabs with their lights on just drive past and let him use that time to think about what he's done. Bin Laden's going to have to walk if he wants to get somewhere or learn to ride a bike which I'm sure is very difficult in those mountains so yes I think we can all agree Al-Qaeda is officially on the run quite literally on the run. The court took a massive one and a half hours of deliberation to come to the conclusion that including time served he should probably be released in around five months and how did this evil hardened killer of non-react?

Well, Andy, he smiled as he left court, said thank you to those in the room and then, bye-bye in English. Bye-bye! That is not how I picture the first sentence that Guantanamo going down. That place just keeps throwing up surprises. I thought, though, whoever it was would be dragged out by their hair, screaming death to the West. Not thank you and bye-bye. He says more of the end of an Orsman's concert. Well, maybe America could try and build bridges with the Alkaida community, by employing this man as the president's new driver. To show that he can be converted from

driving terrorists around to driving a leader of the free world around. I think I'll be a message of hope for everyone. Well, in terms of rehabilitation, the judge said, I hope the day comes that you return to your wife and daughters in your country and you're able to be a provider, a father and a husband in the best sense of all those terms. I'm not really sure the negative sense of all those terms is, but... How have you been responded? God willing.

And I've always thought it must be tempting in that situation, if you're the judge, to say, no, not God willing, me willing. I am the judge. You will be released if I will it. I don't wanna be a dick about this. And I'm not saying I'm God. I'm just saying that this is genuinely my decision. It does conjure up a rather lovely image

of Dick Cheney watching the sentence come through. And just kind of throwing his remote control at his television saying what the What is the point in setting up Military trials if they go soft at the first sign of a defendant not being guilty. What the fuck is the point of that? That is a compelling mental image Andy and I appreciate you putting it in my head. Good He probably had his Wang out as well while he was doing it and Okay, now you've ruined it. His Wang out ready to celebrate. I know you've done this, you started this. I'm angry with you, not I've never said anything about celebrating.

I was merely suggesting that he might have just had a shower and rushed out of the shower to see the result come through and not add time to put his jocks down. In terms of how important the figure this man was, the CIA officer admitted that in the wanted terrorist Deck of playing cards. He'd be the two of clubs, but that's not even true He wasn't even on those cards. He didn't make it to the deck Now instead he'd be the Joker and that you look at him and just say well, why did they put him in here? Other news now in a sense as a supposedly endangered gorillas has shown that populations are actually doing much better than people thought.

Hooray! Yeah, well done the gorillas, we can start eating them again. Sorry, I just really feel I have to come down strongly on that. That is not what this means. Is that not how it works? It's been a couple of years since I ate a gorilla and you know. I know, I know it has it, but I think you need to push on with that. It's great, that two years has been terrific but don't lapse now.

Don't go back to your old ways. Just go so well with my banana sauce. That's all. I'm not saying it doesn't, I'm just saying it's a bad idea. For anyone confused about the will be a will be a will be number of primates in the world, monkeys are lady apes and gorillas are male-apes, and the ones with brightly coloured humber-dougas are the clever ones. I hope that plays it all up.

Humber... Say that word again, huh? Humber-dougas. I think that's gonna have to become official now. What a right-pain in the humber-douga. Humber-douga. Kiss my humber-douga. become official now. What a right pain in the humbiduga. It's 2009 time now, the August that will be forever remembered for this thing that we're talking about here.

I need a hero! I'm old enough for the hero till the end of the night. He's got to be told and he's got gotta be a two-ton president and his hair's got to be white. God, it's almost every other bugle you start singing now, John. I think I'm settling into a nice rhythm of power rock as well. I'm wearing a spray on leather trousers. It's with the inventive spray on leather that's made that possible.

Now, I think I said a few uh, bugles ago that uh that the key to life seems to be, find something that you good at and do it as much as you can. So if you're a good carpenter, make as many things out of wood as you can. If you're a good polevolta, you should carry a long pole with you wherever you go and always be on the lookout for things to vault over, preferably with highly cushioned surfaces on the other side. And if you happen to be good at flying across the world to negotiate the release of two female journalists

before flying back to greet the world's media, looking like he just stepped out of an aftershave commercial, then for f***ing sake do it. And perhaps luckily and definitely unsurprisingly, President Bill Clinton turns out to be just the man for that job. This week in a closely guarded move, he flew to the most secretive nation on earth

to retrieve two American journalists who'd been captured months ago and sent us to 11 years in jail. And this is a North Korean jail that we're talking about, Andy. Probably not a pool table there. Although there might be a photograph on the wall of Kim Yong-Yong Il's water slide if you're lucky. But it wasn't just 11 years though, John. No, it was reform through labor. So I wasn't just your years though John. No was it was reform through labor So I wasn't just your standards And I just see this pleasure that you get here. This is reform through labor now. I reckon if I heard that in my sendencing on I'll start getting a bit jumping. I'll start calling in a few presidents frankly

You're not a big fan of reform or labor are you on that alone when they're put together? Yeah, not really Now you there's a time to place and Neither of those is in the North Korean jail. The problem was that not only is America still technically at war with North Korea due to the fact that the North Korean wars never really technically declared over. But relations have worsened recently with North Korea's

insistence on making very loud bangs, even when they've been expressly told not to. Bill Clinton had apparently agreed to meet with Kim Yong-il just days after North Korea had insulted his wife. Things that descended to petty name-calling after the Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had likened North Korea to an unruly child. She'd said, what we've seen is this constant demand for attention. And maybe it's the mother-in-be or the experience I've had with small children and unruly teenagers and people who are demanding attention, but don't give it to them. They don't deserve it. They're acting out.

Now that might sound true, but is it really? Because would you actually ignore a petrolant child who has a toy box filled with nuclear warheads? I think you might be inclined to keep an eye on them. It's all about balance parenting, John. What do you give a one-? You take away with the other. I mean, you say that Andy. Say Matilda had a few random nuclear warheads in her bedroom. Would you just go, yes, she's threatening to set them off, but that's just as fat as she's going through. Well, I'd say we can't have them unless you eat your peas.

So it's about negotiation, isn't it? If you play around with the nuclear weapons and you're not supposed to, no, it's storied before bedtime. Pretty much what America seems to have done with North Korea. Also, Clinton, the Hillary Clinton, it's not supposed to say that North Korea has no friends left.

Which really is kind of a playground level diplomacy, isn't it? Just kind of teasing, taunting North Korea. Makeless. You're makeless. In fact, North Korea did not appreciate that because they hit back saying sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes like a pensioner going shopping. Well hold on, which Kim? There's not a lot of crossover between those two looks. She's got very good makeup artists though to be fair. So the two journalists, Unile and Laura Ling, now before this week if someone had said

Unile and Laura Ling to you, you'd probably have guessed that they were an adverb and a present participle, meaning respectively, in inevitably one-off manner, he cut off his own head, Unile, or in the process of going off on a tedious and unnecessary tangent in the middle of a long anecdote. Uncle Frobyshire was once again lorling at considerable length when suddenly became clear that Auntie Harvey etta had died. But now we know more about them, Johnnie's, Tojo and what a story, what a story Bill Clinton, as far as I know it, the details of the story, the Clinton in a secret undercover mission stormed into North Korea posing as a wildlife photographer and then gradually over the course of several years infiltrated Kim Jong-il's inner circle by giving the

leaders really nice photos of insects and tigers and stuff. Becoming one of Kim's most trusted confidants and lovers. And then when he'd been accepted as an honorary North Korean he busted into the Pyongyang ladies' prison armed only with a rock sack full of apples which he then started flinging about with wild abandon in a flurry of fruit as the prison guards return fire. Clinton grabbed the two journalists slung one over each shoulder and used them as shoulder pads as he barged his way out of jail luck. An American football player trying to get hold of a quarterback who's been swapping his wife. At least that's according to the first draft of the film script of the story.

Still perhaps close as Pearl Harbor to the historical account. It deserves a movie, this handy. It's been an incredible story. The State Department was unable to section an official visit to negotiate, so it did need someone to operate under the radar, and then you realize, hold on. Bill Clinton is Jack Bauer. He's become the very TV character.

He loves so much. And I do think it's important that we recognize when they do something the world can enjoy. The Navy seals killing the pirates and freeing the hostage. That was impressive. And Bill's little adventure, pretty cool. No taxpayer money was used to fund the trip, apart from the secret service I was travelling with him. The plane was an all-business class private jet, lent to him by Steve Bing and Shangri-La Entertainment. All I would say on that, Andy's, is this Bill Clinton, plus Shangri-La Entertainment's private jet. One, there was definitely a hot tub in there.

Two, it definitely got used. I'll leave it at that. You're right, while I'm sure there were preparations and negotiations done long before they left, I love the idea that he just decided to get in a plane and go and get them. Well it was slightly more complicated than that wasn't because Clinton was actually on a list of names of people that North Korea apparently said they would be prepared to negotiate with. That's true. Alongside the likes of Reese Withers Boone, Scarlett Johansson, Kirsten Dunst, Michelle Deser from 24. Hang on, those are all women that Kim Jong-il fancies. It was a different-m It was a boutique booty call. Wily Ulsey dog, Marilyn Monroe's on the list too, but

as we know news is quite restricted over in North Korea. August 2009. August 2010 was the first August of the post-2009 era, and during it, John Oliver and I talked about this. In New York, it's the multiple Grammy award-winning country music legend, Willie Nelson. I'm getting my podcast mixed up, so I thought this was financial and bedroom tips with Willie Nelson. Sorry, it's the bugle, isn't it? Anyway, it's John Oliver. Hello, Andy.

Hello, bugle. Hello, Angela Bedroom tips, Andy. Yeah. Well, he's, you know, he likes the multi-task. That isn't, that's his two job skills that should never be merged. But you'd listen to it. You would listen to that. I've not been asking that. That is a good point. That's a good point. And I was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin for the last couple of days.

Shooting something for the show. And about 20 minutes after getting into my hotel room the first night there was a knock on the door and a hotel employee was standing there with a bottle of champagne and an ice bucket with strawberries inside the glasses and a card that simply read, the Milwaukee division of the Bugle Army has your back! Then there was a drawing of a heart and underneath simply signed Gaddafi. What a fantastic thing to receive! With the way the world is Andy, flooding in Pakistan, fires across Russia, serious threat of a double dip recession, it truly restores your faith in humanity that people are doing something that juvenile for one another.

Thank you very much, Buglers, whoever you are. Unless, of course, unless it was actually Colonel Cadet, who was currently heading over the Milwaukee Division of the Bugle Army. Top story this week, democracy on goal! I think everyone in the world knows, Andy. The Brazilian presidential election is on October 3rd. I for one have been counting down the days in the traditional way. I've had an advent calendar tattooed on my chest.

And I have, um, we removed every morning until I've just left with the central tattoo of Pele doing a wheelie on a motorbike while playing Keepy Upie on a motorbike while playing Keeping Upie with a rolled up ballot paper. Everyone has their own way of watching the Brazilian election results come in and they some like to invite their friends around to use a compass to make sure they face their TV

in the direction of Rio de Janeiro, some like to take the more traditional approach and shave their bodies, paint them gold, and dorm themself with feathers, and then walk up and down the middle of their street in a one-man drunkle carnival before waking up the next morning and just guessing the results. Or maybe you're more like me and you just phone Revaldo on the hour every hour and ask him if he's heard anything yet. But the big story, the big early story in Brazil, is that satire has been banned there from now until election day. A draconian law still inexplicably there 25 years after Brazil's dictatorship ended has gagged anyone from mocking politicians on TV or radio for the next six and a half

weeks. Now obviously as soon as we heard this, Andy and I recognised it immediately as a cry for help. It was like the bass signal, or in this case, the bullshit signal. The projective into the sky, which is why, as an act of entirely selfless charity, we will be donating the top story this week to Brazil by lampooning the shit out of their election for them. Yeah, of course, it's interesting, isn't it? The government banned satire in Brazil in the lean ups elections in Britain.

That self-same role is performed by TV commissioners. Is this on? Is this on? And by this, I mean, my career. So, this anti-joking was another thing. I mean, I have had audiences in the past that thought I was working under the same restriction. Not this year, not this year, it's been a strong show, strong show. Don't internally heckle me most of you. Right. But I want to, you know, we had a similar,

well interesting thing to you show we were working on years ago, John Lee, the state we're in, he rightly cancelled, state we're in. On people see three back in the days when you were still just a humble Britits before you became an American and It was in the build up for the Iraq war. We were working on this and remember writing some jokes criticizing the The actions of the British and American governments and being told by the senior commissioner at BBC that if we made Anti-bush jokes. We also for the sake balance, had to make anti-sadam jokes as well. Now, you would have thought we could have taken that as a given.

No, you can't take that as a given. Right. You can't take that. Evidently not. Unless you explicitly zing Saddam, they just assumed that you were a bath party supporter. Well, we have the big. We do take our responsibilities very seriously, John, and this world isn't going to satirize itself, is it? So, yes, as John said, we will be lamponing the Brazilian election. Now, one of the reasons why this is going to be so painful for Brazil is that the candidate

is sounding credibly boring. The front runner, Dilma Rousseff, has apparently a lumbering speaking manner, and her main opponent, Jose Sierra, is widely considered to be lacking charisma. Now, have they found the only two introverted Brazilians in the whole of that be-thonged nation, Hamdey? Is that what happens in Brazil? If you're boring, everyone else makes you run the country while they're outside building 35- foot floats out of Marshmallow. Have you ever been to Brazil, John? No.

But I love to. The Marshmallow floats sound amazing. Yeah, you just don't eat one in a whole one in a single sitting. That's the kick. So here we go, Chris. I hope you've unpacked your drumkin' hi hat because this shit is about to get zingy. First, let's deal with Frontrunner Dilma Rusef. Here goes, for a start, what kinda name is Dilma? Sounds like Fred Flintstone calling his well for stuffing from a cold. Boom! Boom!

Cheaf of staff, Cheaf of staff more like, boom! You heard her talk! She sounds like an articulated lorry, slowly reversing onto a rhinoceros. Here's another. Hey Dilma, you're a career civil servant, never elected to office. Plus, you are and will continue to be in the pocket of President Lula De Silva. I'm not saying you're a puppet.

I'm just saying, you can't speak while President Lula is drinking a glass of water. Boom! I know why she's called the iron lady because she makes everyone she parks do feel flat. Like they've been ironed. Iron, like an iron. You can't handle the truth. By the way Dilma, Angela Lansbury called. She wants her entire wardrobe back.

I mean every item of clothing she's ever worn. she wants her entire wardrobe back. I mean, every item of clothing she's ever worn. Former Secretary of State for Energy, well, she should be fired. Fired. Is this on? Is this on Dynamite? Hey, Dilma, apparently you joined the Underground Resistance Movement during a military dictatorship and were jailed and tortured between 1970 and 1972.

That's an admirable commitment tortured between 1970 and 1972. That's an admirable commitment to your beliefs and cause. They can't all be winners. What do you get if you cross four decades of political activism? Where the president was coming to the end of his second term of office? What? Del Marusef running for president. Okay, that needs a bit of work as well, John. That needs a bit of work. Okay, well, let's move on to Jose Sarah, Andy.

Apparently, Jose Sarah, Andy, was an engineering student. It's a shame he didn't engineer himself a personality. You're welcome, Brazil, Denada. Jose Sarah, who's he, Sarah, more like? Who's it? Who's it? Who's it? Farmer Health Minister, is he? Well, he didn't make me feel any better this morning.

I tell you, Brazil would be nuts if they elect this guy. Hey, Jose Sarah, your wife Monica are lend with a top ballerina with a national ballet of chili. Well, you can both go spin on this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That man has the charisma of a long forgotten apple car slowly riding in a disused ARA shelter. Finally, let's deal with the outside Andy, former environment minister Marina Silver. Marina switched from the workers party to the Green Party a year ago. I haven't seen such a huge party hopper since Paris Hilton was welded onto a Pogo stick.

Brazil you've been great, I'm here all week, try the polenta. Isn't that more of an Italian thing? Apparently, it's also in Brazil. 2011 was without question the most recent year whose digits add up to four. Only five more of those years to go in the next 7,986 years, so do enjoy them while you can. And what did an August in a year adding up to four sound like? Well, it sounded like this. What's going to happen to Edinburgh after you leave on Saturday, I leave on Tuesday morning? Well, it does not look good at all. It will sink into the farth of fourth

Sweet accent John. Thank you very much, you're welcome. Casting coming up. Well, I don't think I need to do casting anymore Andy When you've been in the film which has grossed? $370 million do you get daily updates on that John? No, I look for them I look for them to throw at you. I'll go to something called box office mojo. Hold on, hold on. I've got the internet down here again. All right box office mojo.com. How did I do this last time? I was quite slow down here. I guess this pretty much affects whether or not you're going to fall to feed Hogi? Yeah, what a f**king. Hogi's going to be in luck. He's just going to get some liver. If there. Here we go.

There's a more new Smurfs hold off planet of the apes overseas. Should you not be like checking whether Gaddafi is still in power first? Or do you think you really? Oh. Oh, okay. I guess today in Glasgow, the Liberal Democrat leader, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was attacked with a lot of blue paints.

And I mean, where were you yesterday when that happened, John? Listen, viral marketing is a valid advertising strategy for any film now. Not that the smurf's needed, as it is $333 million in total. Hasn't that gone down by $40 million? Yeah, I think probably because I'm mentioning it. Alright. Journalist wrote Cessure News Paper. That's my home local newspaper, Andy, as if I managed

to get back home through a hurricane. And of course the that massive picture of us in it last week. So very fine news baby clearly. Anthony Shadeed wrote about about triply. There was unease. There was a sense of the ephemeral like the last hours of a long party. Euglers, if you ever get invited to the New York Times Christmas party, politely declare. What kind of parties does Antony Shadeid go to? Yeah, there ain't no party like a New York Times party at the, because a New York Times party don't stop. That is taking part in beyond its logical conclusion. Really?

Yeah. And when we all love to topple a statue at a party, John, I mean, heaven knows I've been there often enough. No. But I mean, that's, that is a, that is a major party. That's, uh, what, didn't you ruin the Queen's 70th birthday party? I'm pushing over Statova and Mom. One day, one day, Laws of Gravity. Yeah. She's going down. Physical satire, John. And you were right. You were right.

She did die tragically at 101 or natural courts. She did. She John. That's a good point. She fought her own death. Because she did look quite a lot like Colonel Gaddafi. Oh yeah. Could it be. Could it be that she lived out the rest of her life as Colonel Gaddafi? Do call in. But that's the old Andy and I are sitting in a radio studio.

Yeah. And then the morning and we finished our gig last night. About, yeah. I mean, they can probably tell that part of Tony the voice, and he's even sitting, Andy has access to the faders, which is, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, goodbye, John.

Find me up. Goodbye, John. Children. Sorry, Chris. I'd love the feeling of power. You can't be trusted with a fighter, Andy. Look, what makes you say that, John? Oh, Andy, no.

No. You see, Andy, this is... Sonically, this is exactly what happened with Gaddafi. He basically had the fighter of Libya at his fingertips. Andy, f***ed it. Really? Well, I'm not sure that's necessarily true John, I guess what? Oh, another wrong one.

Did you just fade yourself down? Did. You see, Andy? You see, that's really what Gaddafi did John. That is... That's really what he did. Oh, you fade himself down? Oh.

That was a little bit of satirical mixing. I did there. If you like that That was DJ satire That was August 2011 2012 was of course the year of London 2012 and London 2012 in August 2012 was when London 2012 was really right at its Olympian 2012 peak. I'm Andy Sultman, great Britain. Live just a few miles away from where British athletes are going for glory if you're working for a watching the BBC coverage and if you're not where the world's greatest sporting event is taking place and with me this week it's the former Czechoslovak

second scientific enhanced 800 meter race, Jarmila Kratocz-Viliver, and alongside him or her, it knew Juhok bugling under the IOC banner for comedians no longer affiliated to any nation, it's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello Bugles. Now, if you've been following any of Andy's micro-bugles this week, or indeed, is Twitter feed, you'll probably be aware that Andy has come down with a very serious case of Olympic fever. He's been attending events all week long frequently more than

one a day, and it's in fact sandwiching this bugle recording in between seeing athletics before this, and then leaving immediately after this to go and see, I believe, fencing and table tennis. That's right. This is just a Olympic fever, Andy. This is an advanced stage and a big fever. And at this point, there's just not much that any doctor can do. There's no point.

Yeah, there's no point even sending in a priest to see Andy now. Parley, because he's Jewish. And Parley, because he take one look at the cross around the priest's neck and just automatically assume it's a new medal for getting forthplace in the triple jump. In fact, I believe that if you took an X-ray of Andy's torso right now, you would see his intestines of rearranged themselves into the shape of the five Olympic rings. Well, I spoke to you on the phone yesterday, Andy. You sounded as happy as I've ever heard you. And that absolutely includes both your wedding day and the birth of your children. What were you doing at the birth of my children, John?

I didn't want to interrupt. I just wanted to be there. My only concern is that when these illipics are over, you are headed, Andy, for a spectacularly lot to come down. After the closing ceremony, you're going to be like, you and McGregor in train spotting, lying in the corner of a room, shivering, and hallucinating a hammer throwing baby,

crawling across the ceiling. What are you going to do? That doesn't bear thinking about John. How are you going to win yourself off this level of happiness? I don't know. It's going to be hard, and even more concerning in that John't know. I mean, it's going to be hard and even more concerning in that jump. It's that it looks like it is going to be at least another four years until London hosts the Olympics again, probably even more. So, I think your best bet might be just

to move straight to real off. It's in sits in the unfinished Olympic stadium. I just wait for four years. I think that's your best bet. So the Olympics is a weekend now and after a spectacular Olympics opening ceremony that saw a five minute Mr Bean sketch and James Bond bursting in on the queen with a look in his eyes that might be thinking about a shooter in the head. The queen of course then jumped out of a helicopter and even more spectacularly managed to scowl her way through the rest of the old interrelate. She did look like she absolutely hated it. She had a face like a bored trowel. But it have killed her to smile just once, rather than have a permanent expression that seemed to say,

I fucking hate all of you. All of you. I think, and I think I mentioned this in the very first my monochromybugal last week that there wasn't explanation for this, John, that she just spent 10 minutes in a helicopter with James Bond. Now, what happens to women when they get in bits of transport alone?

That's a James Bond. Oh, wow. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Ha-ha-ha. alone. That's a good game point. That's a good game point. Wow, wow. Chik-chik. And Romney's horse is called Rafalka, which is a stupid nine for a horse that you are asking to do stupid things in a stupid sport. But Rafalka has become a bit of a touchy subject for Mitt Romney. As, you know, it's very existence does play into the image of him being a bit of an elitist.

Now, he's claimed that it is not an elitist sport, horse stress-hide. But let's just look at the cold facts for a moment. The rider wears a top hat and white gloves, and the horse trots in place and performs pirouettes. A pirouette horse, Andy. A pirouette horse. I think Mitt Romney is smart enough to know that you do not get elected to the highest office in the land by being associated with a pirouetting horse. Refalker's rider insisted that the sport is not just for the rich, saying that it's open to anyone on an, I quote, a normal budget. But that might be stretching the term normal just a bit,

because it might be normal to anyone with a large Swiss bank account. But the horse's cost upwards of half a million dollars to buy, and according to their tax returns, the Romney has dainty released so far, the Romney's wrote off $77,000 in horse expenses in 2010. Horse expenses Andy, horse expenses and not just horse expenses, pirouetting horse expenses and not just pirouetting horse expenses, $77,000 in pirouette horse expenses. Well that's mostly the, that's the training costs

of, you know, teaching a horse to pirouette, you know, in a, in a China shop and having to pay for all the breakages. That's, that's how you train them to do it delicately. But it does cost. It does cost. It's been pointed out here that if President Obama wins this election with the economy in this bad a shape,

it'll be a huge achievement. But Andy, if Mitt Romney wins this election with the economy in this badder shape, it'll be a huge achievement. But Andy, if Mitt Romney wins this election with a pirouetting horse, I think it'll be even more impressive. In fact, if he does win, I think he should ride onto the stage to give his speech with the top hat and white gloves, with his horse pirouetting all over the place, shouting, you just elected a tax evading woman with a pirouetting horse. This is the greatest country in the world! Moving on to August 2013, and there were no Olympics in London there,

and for some, as yet unexplained reason. But there were still stuff happening in the world, and when stuff happens, the bugle has always been there to report on it. Apart from when we've been on one of our haters or busy with other stuff or haven't yet been invented but here's 2013. Of Rulest, I've had enough of Putin. Really? He must go. No. Still giving arms to a sad millions of dollars worth and the roast of it. No. I went around to talk to my friend Peter who has a parrot.

But Pete wasn't in so I spoke to his parrot instead. So I was sent to Petersburg. Got to stop. Every bell is a dagger to my heart. It's got to stop. And the parrot said, Well, Andy, why don't you go and talk to a bomber? So I thought, yeah, that's a good point. So I did. I went to Washington and I told the president, president, who's being silly, don't cancel the summit. I said,

you absolute, but ask him to sort out the Snowden's in muzzle. A cut, did he, that didn't really work, did it? I hope it picks up. Andy, this is the most chilling bell sound since Breaking Bad. The Sirifusness, the medieval human rights glitches. All the sorry stuff that came into early. Kazan, Kazan, no, he'll listen to you. And the president said he sure will listen. He's got amazing hearing, incredible. It seems to understand things in different languages.

I'll tell you, it's not natural. It's almost like he's got a computer on the side of his head. He does, I said. That's his cyber ear. BELL RINGS Come on, Mr. President, it's almost like you're scared of him on the side of his head. He does, I said. That's his cyber ear Come on Mr. President, it's almost like you scared of him. I am a bit admitted Obama He was such intimidating clothes. What was he wearing last time you had talks asked something furry and brown? Was it a moose-pelt? No said the president. No, was it a bear skin? No, no, not was he a bear skin? No, got it Yes, I think it was bear skin said the president

And he's got this really unpleasant assistant fresh out of university, very rude and uncouth. A vulgar grad. Yep, he vulgar. Even crass. Now I ask, crass now ask. Anyway, him to stop being so rude, but he was still swear on curse

cause he thought he made him look tough, pretty ob- not just, but he didn't, doesn't look tough. He's tiny when he looks like he hardly eats very small and skinny. Anyway I said to you a bum, he needs to bring other leaders into it, put pressure on Putin. You've got to get Angela Merkel involved in the deal I said. No, you're taking this to Oofa. Oofa, I've never even heard of Oofa. Anyway, you're applied. I don't want Merkel in the deal, listen I said forcefully. Get Merkel in on the deal, you cut her in because she's very influential. Besides, I continued so many countries, oh, you're in one way or another.

These are the type of favours you've got to be calling in gradually. Tell it, tell it in great. You pick that up. You're looking, you're looking confident on that one first. Okay, you can see the bottom. You got a number. Yeah, I said, I think so. I wrote it down somewhere. I got it in a notebook or something. Then the president's wife came in. She was wearing tinted goggles and a bobble hat. Hi, Michelle, you've been skiing.

Killing your binski. Got that? No. I mean, I did have to look much of these up. Yes, she said, I've just got back from skiing with a secretary of agriculture, Tom Vilsack. The president seems surprised. I didn't know Tom skis.

Yes, said Michelle. It is big hobby at the moment, skiing. He actually learnt it as his child. From his parents, he loves it. Yes. Man, it's hot in these, those mountains close, he said. Well, take your care of, he said the president. The first lady, D. Salah Petit herself.

Hey, said Barak's mall talking. Have you had your hair done? It looks curly than usual. Yes, she said. I had a perm. I looked at the impressive Primo Femme d'Alcua Fure ad Maringly whilst chewing a sandwich. Mmm, Vournorsh. That gave me an idea. I said to a bomber, hey, you know Putin likes outdoor sports.

What are you taking from something? Good idea, Andy. Do you want a bar on my fishing kit? Thanks, but not off-guard. You can't take it anymore. Do you think you like cycling too? I bet he does. Then then we were bike, I'll take him for a ride. Got idea, he might like a swim but in a lake, never in saltwater. Why not? We've got it into his head that pets urinating it. Really? Yeah, he's obsessed with the idea that dogs and cats pee in the sea.

That was a long walk. That was a long walk. That's odd, because he's got a lovely cat, always seems so content. Yeah, Dunni per. And he off skinny zipping too fladdy was talking he fladdy was talking about it just this morning never yes but hey eyes up why because he does this weird thing with one of his testicles twitches he can't help it it's involuntary it is famous Baltic

I'm blast. Actually, I quite a few more on that. For some reason, that last one bothered me more than the other. Well, John and I were, I mean, let me, I don't know what to say. No, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what you want to say, John, no, no. I mean, let me, uh, I don't know what to say, Andy. No, I, well, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what,

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what,

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll tellpun. I love the words true. I don't think, if that's not true. You don't even notice it, mate. It's been, if ever, ever that has been

and on by no means of meeting it, Andy. Yep. It's either accidental or so germane to the story. That is harder to not pun. And no point have I forced a pun, you don't like natural puns. You like forced puns. You're Americans, you're all the same.

BEEP. Oh. You're like natural puns. You're like forced puns. You Americans, you're all the same. BELL RINGS Oh. That's the most I've cried since semifinal Italian 90. The power is in your hands, Chris, to take that bell and throw it out of a window. Consider it done. BELL RINGS BELL RINGS

So, uh... G. BELL RINGS Oh my god, he's still... So, uh, gee. Oh my god, he's got that. That's right, get rid of that bell. The fact you are sitting on that one, like a smug chicken on a foul egg. I can't relax till you let go of that bell. He's got another one. I can tell it in the. It's not, he's got another one.

I can tell it in the way he's breathing. He's got another one. He's got another one. Just, just fucking do it, Andy. Do it, because if there's suspense, is there suspense that's worse? Do it, sir. Well, I'm not, I'm very difficult lunch, so I went to a restaurant

and ordered the root vegetable. So, I said, do you like it? I said, hmm, these are enough carrot. I don't know, that really doesn't work. That was supposed to be these in the North Carolina. I just really didn't hang together. I should have got the lentil curry made by the, made by a Susan Saron and a suzedol.

It's a little tam with some historic churches outside Moscow. Are you deliberately doing shit ones? So you can correct yourself with a good one, or a better one. Oh, that was just a little underprep. Anyway. You sound so happy, and that happiness is so misplaced. Right.

The way you talk, it's almost like there's been a big crime here. Sorry, technically that's a new crime. Oh, dear. What's been... What? Do I have your words that it's over? It's over mate, it's over. That's his cyber ear. That's his cyber ear.

That's his cyber ear. That's his cyber ear. That's his cyber ear. That's his cyber ear. That's his cyber ear. That's his cyber ear. That's his cyber ear. So this is in fact the end of this compilation show. I do hope you have enjoyed it.

Please come to see Satterist for Higher at the stand in Edinburgh from the 15th to the 27th of August and send your satirical request to satirisistforhier.com. There are live view goals on the 16th and 27th August, political animal from the 15th to the 17th and the 22nd to the 24th with a different line-up each night, and don't forget the livebuegle that's part of the London Podcast Festival on September the 17th, many other radio-topia shows also taking past in the festival which runs the 13th to the 17th. So that's it. No further snippets. Your witness. Back next week, with a full episode, may the August be with you. Bye bye!

you