The Bugle - Bonus Live Bugle – “this lie happened last Wednesday or Thursday”

Episode Date: July 21, 2017

Important note: Listen to last week's episode: The Belly of the Bull before this!Andy, Nish and Helen with more from the Underbelly FestivalThis week: Wimbledon update, some Trump news and a listener Q&A Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugles, and welcome to Bugle Issue 4,037 Part 2. More choice pickings from the live Bugle recorded at London's Underbelly Festival on the 13th of July. I am Andy Zoltzmann, and I'm about to go on holiday, so if you have any important questions, information, requests, gifts, or ransom notes, or other correspondence for me, please send them to me, care of France, with a cover note explaining how to find me, I'll probably be face down in a bucket of mules. And don't forget to use an unnecessarily large number of words, it is the only language they understand. Actually, they are considerably

more multilingual than us Brits, but it is definitely one of their best languages alongside, of course, the language of Lurve. But before we get cracking in to the live show, it would not be an audio newspaper without a section going straight in the bin. This week's section in the bin, a feature on massively large, massively dead skeletons. The Natural History Museum in London has controversially sacked Dippy the Diplodocus as its star-s-s-a-lebrity dead creature, the Dino skeleton fired from being the main exhibit in the museum's entrance hall and replaced with hope, a much less dead

blue whale skeleton. Just hope, that is, no other name, Brazilian football star Monanim for the 126 year old novice there. Dippy was sacked for being just too dead at 152 million years and seven months, and also allegedly for being pretend after shocking tabloid revelations that he was in fact historically provable to be a fake dinosaur, a replica in fact of an American dinosaur, it's like Destiny's Child and Mystique all over again for the younger bugle listeners amongst you. Dippy is not taking it lying down though, he's set to tour Britain early next year with

a Watson all show about the around the same time as I'll be touring Britain Co incident and he's probably bumping to each other at around 1.30am in a motorway service station to bitch about the industry at some point. Rumors are that Dippy was fired off to trying to get it on with a replica Stegosaurus. These have been denied by the Natural History Museum who say that a decision was based purely on form. The museum boss Mike Bones Dixon explained he's just not been quite as natural or historical as this natural history franchise wants its star exhibits to be.

But the signing of hope has not met with universal approval, the British Association for the Rights of Krill, Bach, is protesting the installation, saying the Natural History Museum is a normalising the slaughter of millions of Krill's every day who are the victims of hopes living relatives. But Dixon insists that hope will appeal more to today's kids. He said to age children with their eye pads and shit like that, and much more likely to relate to something that's only been dead for 126 years, rather than a dodgy old 152 million year dead dinocodja. There are also hopes that hope, who was a

ladywild, not a dudewild technical term, will be a female role model for the modern age, despite being paid considerably less than Dippy was paid. But you have to ask, is she a positive role model in terms of body image? Is she going to make other blue whales think that she is some kind of idealised norm to which they should be aspiring. And doing not also on active female role models, a blue whale out there getting stuff done wailing it about being independent, not just standing there pointlessly doing nothing of

use, being stared at and photographed and judged on her body. Do we really need another Princess Marilyn Monroe of Troy? That section in the bin. Also in the bin, this plug for my forthcoming Edinburgh Festival shows, there are live bugles on the 16th and 27th August, a political animal, runs from the 15th to the 17th and the 22nd to the 24th, and above all, it's the return of Satterist for Higher, new and improved, hopefully, at the stand from the 15th to the to 27th August at 3pm. Do send in your satirical requests as soon as humanly possible to satirize this at satiristforhire.com.

AdvantraQuest will receive writing precedents, and if nothing else it will give me something else to read in the satirist fire inbox that is not telling me how much larger my scramble blatch could be. All topics in this crazy world we live in will be satirized to order, show may also feature the brain of Donald Trump and a large magic teapot. Anyway, that section is in the bin, but do please feel free to fish it out of the bin and take a closer audio look at it before deciding to buy tickets and send me a request for the show. Thanks, right! Let's get back to the live bugle from last week and we'll pick up the action now with your host Andy

Zoltzman and alongside him Helen Zoltzman and Nish Kumar. You can have children but if you want to cut their carbon footprint down you need to then dump them in a UN air drop into a Sudanese refugee camp. Because the fact show that people in developing world, I give off a fraction of the CO2 emissions compared with people in major industrialized nations. So that's what I'll be doing with my children next week. You can change your transport habits. Do you know the most environmentally friendly form

of transport, anyone? Sorry? Swimming? Swimming? LAUGHTER No, no, no, that's after the World Fluts. I've been hanging out with Kevin Costner. Er, yes. That was a water-water-wild joke.

What of it? What of it? That is one of the most up-to-date cultural references in Bugal history. That is from less than 30 years ago. I'll do a banana ramagag later if you're good. Why don't you swim like Esther Williams? That's another up-to-date culture reference, Andy. Is it? Which, did she win the Olympics? Four-date culture. What reference, Andy? Is it?

Which, did she win the Olympics? Four times swimming, sweetheart. Oh, really? Second World War. Rock. Not Crimean. What? I don't know. I don't know.

The Crimean War is going to talk about Nightingale now. Oh, oh, Lordy. Erm... Er... Actually, scientifically, the most environmentally friendly form of transport is the motorcycle pyramid. Because... You don't have to play congestion charge if you're... It's even better than the donkey, which is called Jesus Champion. There's an early green activist.

But the... I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. You don't have to pay congestion charge if you're a... It's even better than the donkey, which of course, Jesus championed as an early green activist. But the...

Yeah, that's a fact. You could become more apathetic about politics, because burning effigies is responsible for 90% of the Antarctic falling to pieces. That's a fact. Or at least only burn effigies of environmentally friendly politicians because they ironically give off less CO2 for the effigies of the pockets of the oil industry. Or start a gangland war in your local neighbourhood. This is excellent for the

environment because your reign of terror on the streets will make local people wary of leaving their homes, cutting down significantly on unnecessary short car journeys. The collapse in the local economy will also mean there are fewer businesses in the local area too and people will be forced to live in eco-friendly self-sufficient existence. So we can build a better world for people, the Matthew were way ahead of the game. Testify. It's going to be a tricky sale though because the study found it's done by

Lund University in Sweden and it found that eating a plant-based diet, avoiding air travel, living car-free and having smaller families is going to help. And that is going to be tricky because it basically boils down to no meat, no holidays, no cars and less f***ing. And I think when presented with those options, I suspect 90% of the world's population will react by saying, well, we had a good run. You wanted to talk about Donald Trump. You're a massive fan, aren't you? I wouldn't necessarily put it that way, Andy.

But in the interest of Bullshit Fine, um, yeah, Donald Trump has an imaginary friend named Jim That is a glorious sentence to him. I'm I'm pretty happy for him because for a long time They've just been constant articles going Donald Trump has zero friends He used to go to studio 54 on his own and not drink anything and not do drugs and not have sex with anyone He has no friends, but now he has Jim. And he talks about Jim quite a lot. Usually he says, every year Jim goes to Paris with his wife, every summer they love Paris, not anymore because it's full of insurgents.

Yeah, Jim, you see, Jim is, Jim... They can't work out whether Jim is real, they have no surname for Jim, no visual, they only have Trump evidence for Jim. LAUGHTER So, I think we can assume Jim is just the avatar for fear. Right. LAUGHTER Has anyone asked that in a press conference at the White House?

What? Is Jim the avatar for fear? Do you think he would understand those words? No, I mean, it would sound like he was calling it a nuclear strike, I don't know. But Donald Trump is in Paris right now, and he'll be there for Bastille Day when foreign people are setting fire to explosive things. So how's he going to take that?

That's going to look that French people and fireworks because it's Bastille Day. Right. Well, I still be done coming on November the fifth otherwise all bets are off frankly. I think the telltale thing with Jim and the way that you know it's bullshit is in the conversation that he has he says he I said I said to Jim how's Paris doing? He's like no one would ever speak like that. What is it Paris was a human? Unless he's yet so unless the whole conversation was How's Paris doing? You're like, no one would ever speak like that. What is it Paris was a human? Unless he's... Yeah, so unless the whole conversation

was actually about Paris Hilton, and it's she is now absolutely occupied by artists. LAUGHTER That is a world exclusive from Donald Trump and his friendship. I guess how's Paris doing could come from the very informal first draft of Homer's Iliad? There's a little joke for an Iliad and that's, and that's, but that is why I don't play the club circuit.

But who'd have thought your degree in classics would ever be useful. Worth every penny of the event government's money. Under subjects of global population, obviously immortality would be a bit of an issue for it, but I mean there's no getting around that, unfortunate fact. And so what the and probably the last thing the world needy right now is more people becoming immortal, but that is essentially what the Pope is trying to, is trying to create more immortal saints. You want saints tend to be... There you go, that is the Pope in his cricket kit, taking guards, he's not asking for a middle-in-leg guard,

there are friendly cricket fans out there, there are just taking guards. He's not asking for a middle-in-leg guard. Definitely cricket fans out there. There's two fingers out there. Maybe saying there's two balls at the left or anything. But yeah. What? What are you looking at me like that? I've seen that look so many times in the last 37 years. I was expecting a full five-day commentary to come out of the world.

That's the video extras. So he's come out with a new way of becoming a saint. Yes, this could be good news for you Andy. I'm on Ted Ehoax. Because I'm failing on the other. This is the fourth way. I'm over three in the moment I think. Yeah, so hitherto to get considered to be a saint, you had to have been a martyr. o ff3 o'r mwy'n ymwn ymwn. Ys ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n ymw'n This is the new way. You must have freely and voluntarily offered your life in the face

of certain and soon death to save somebody else. Oh right. Well I think actually we've done something, in fact Nish and I pretty much did out the and over light and I get greeted again. But I think he basically went up and took the enemy fire for me. Yeah, I took the enemy fire but then it turned out the enemy had more bullets and so they just shot you as well. LAUGHTER Well, have either of you performed miracles? Well, if by miracle you can do defy that as awful comedy, then yes, Helen, yes we did.

You qualify. That's exciting, Andy. Well, an actual miracle. No, I make a pretty good carbonara, but I don't know if that's... When it's recently reviewed by Jewish food monthly, it's so good, it's kosher. So... Well, I don't know, does that count? Have you ever done a miracle? Is that really thrown at us?

Well, when are you going to become a saint? How big was that? How big was that shit, Helen? I was not sentient, but I don't know. Not was anyone else by the end of it. You're welcome. I made you that doll of Tony Ben, that was pretty miraculous. Yeah.

Well, yeah, but then he died. That was what you did with it was up to you. Didn't you come with instructions? You didn't tell me it was that kind of doll. I mean, he did die quite a few years later. But anyway, you also made me one of Donald Rumsfeld to maybe I'll give that one a go. That's just the kind of family we have. She makes dolls of leading politicians.

Who doesn't want to play with an effigy of an old man in a grey suit? Kids. That's why she's one Auntie of the Year, six years in a row. Is this Jewish voodoo? Is this Jewish? Is this Jewish food? Is this Jewish? To do. We usually just do that on oceans, anyway. Fancy a trundle. Now, another scientific report came out that said that coffee can basically make you live forever. That's the way I interpreted it. What the report actually said was coffee might or might not make you live slightly longer.

But I'm prepared to take that on board and drink as much coffee as possible. Because I have a problem with sleeping pants. And yet another scientific report has blamed our distant ancestors for people having bad sleeping pants. This is going out as a recorded show as well, Helen. Mae'n gwaith yw'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n are distant ancestors in the early days of human life. They always had to keep someone awake through the night when they're living their early communities to keep an eye out for things like dinosaurs, asteroids, once bitten twice shy, but ironically one did solve the other. But anyway, dinosaurs, asteroids, a Randy's use, that was always a big thing, you really had to keep an eye on him. That's another one of your wrestling names, isn't it, Zos? A vengeful thought. Are they just keep coming?

Cave to cave, mammoth insurance salesman, that kind of shit. You had to keep awake. You had to keep awake and that is why today I stuff my sleeping patterns were basically designed by Jackson Pollock. Isn't it because they tell a visor lot of sport from other time zones and if you don't watch it who will? o'n ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdynyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdynyn ymdyn ymdyn ymdynyn ym test matches in Australia and the Australian Open Tennis. And for any imminent parents, I can hardly recommend having those as an option for volunteering to look after the baby during the night. Don't worry, I will selflessly take charge of this crying baby for the next seven hours with a 40-minute break in two hours time and a further 20-minute break two hours after that. But they also, this same study on sleeping patterns, came to the conclusion that John Bon

Jovi's philosophical maxim, I'll live when I'm alive and sleep when I'm dead. Well, that has now been studied. And the author of the report, Professor Frey, a Greenstein-Finkle-Black junior from the Chicago Institute of snoozing, found that, and I quote, Mr. Jovy's Assument of Sleep will result in a largely unfulfilled, unexciting life in which he is too tired to indulge in the rock-and-roll hell-raising wet-with, he apparently aspires. Moreover, the renowned singer of the hit song, but poor dietary advice, living on a prayer. oes. Mae'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu'r rhannu not with mentioning the possibility of dream, gift or curse bestowed not upon the corpse.

Hence, we do not sleep in refrigerators. Mr. Jovey would therefore be medico-psychologically advised to both live and sleep whilst he is alive and listen to some of his later works whilst he's dead. His early work concludes the report, stands up pretty well. That... His early work concludes the report, stands up pretty well. LAUGHTER BUZZER 55 minutes, Andy.

Oh, 55. Right, I go. I'm here for the fun tonight. Right. LAUGHTER Every's are after Gris's like, I cannot believe I'm still doing this f***ing fit. Little... Little Chrissy clock in the corner, as part of the show.

So, um, right, we should, uh, we should, uh So we should move on. We had quite a lot to get through, but we're running out of time. Do you want to bang on about umbrellas for a bit? I don't know. I don't know how pressing it is. What have you got? Well, I've got something on... You can see the words Bob Sled origin on your screen. LAUGHTER That's...

LAUGHTER Yep. Well... How do you need us to tee that up? I... LAUGHTER That's... How do you need us to teach that out? I don't know how to break the news that I'm moving into Prog Rock. It's almost a name worthy of having a third child for Andy. LAUGHTER What was the... Oh, no, that's the origin of Bob's head. Because you took... Well, let's do this about the Chinese Umbrella Sharing Company. I won a last week's bugle. I talked about a Chinese bike sharing company that had lost 90% of its bikes. Now...

That's not good sharing, is it? It's not arguably, it might be too good. I don't know. A Chinese umbrella sharing company has now gone broadly up after similarly. Ah. Similarly, don't worry, there's more to come. So they just explain the story. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yw'r gwybod yn y gondr y gondr y cyflwyn o'r ysgysdwyr, yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod yn ymdyn ni'n gwybod by the end of the year, he is undeterred. He says, anything that you can have on the streets, you can share. But which works for bikes and cars,

big things that you might not want to own in a difficult to store. Bins. Sharing a bit fine. You know like sharing bins historically. That's a deep bugle cup. But umbrellas, not such a difficult thing to possess permanently right good luck

I mean people try to share everything in this sharing economy. Well, is a communist country please do That that arguably is taking communism one step too far. I think even Karl Marx would be like come on lads They have a basketball sharing scheme now. Do they really? Yeah What how does that... Oh, the way he's just playing with me. It's just in behind, isn't it? Yeah, I see. So Bob's lead, or is it...?

Yeah, the origin of Bob's lead was a sharing... A sharing economy thing. Oh, god. Oh, f*** it out. Where are we going? Oh, no. Christ. Get out now.

Oh, it's not it. Don't jump in the back of this. It's coming later. It's like that sinking feeling when you've realised you've left your house without your keys. Like that's the... Well, no, this... Because the Bob's sled has a sport. It's just a man that jumps in a sled. And then three people get in mind him and do nothing.

That's clearly they just catch... It began as people were catching a lift in a Bob's sled. That's clearly they just just began as people were catching a lift in a bombslead. That's a fact. Um... Um... BELL RINGS So, then we'll have any pressing pressing questions. We'll do a

little quick. Maybe take two questions. Chris is going to go out in the... One hand went straight up. Can you guys please pass this along? Chris, don't trust these people. I'm actually quite impressed that they manage four people manage to pass that micro-run along without one of them showing you Chris into it.

Oh, that's right, Ed. Any idea what happened on Love Island tonight? Love Island, what you mean Britain in this new age of post-Brexit utopia, where we all learn to live together. On Love Island, the stat I didn't get to early on is that 113 people in this room have had sex in a car. LAUGHTER Have the same time in the same car? It must have been a coach, Jolly, at least.

I didn't actually, I haven't seen Love Island, but I can tell you what happened tonight. Some twats had sex. Really demystified that. Any other, any other quitters? Oh, there's a man, there's a man who I believe... This person a really enthusiastic guy. I believe this man is currently wearing an Andy Zoltzman teacher

that he concernedly appears to have fashioned himself. So exciting times for us in the vehicle. We could be about to witness Andy's Mark Chapman moment. Do you think Dwayne the Rock Johnson has any decent chance of winning the 2020 US presidency? Dwayne Neurok Johnson. You know Kid Rock is running for Senate in Michigan now, so it's a big week for rock-named celebrities going into politics.

He's got hats and everything, so it's official. Right. Kid Rock, running for Senate in Michigan. Cool. Dwayne Neurok Johnson, you're the beautiful wrestling correspondent, haven't you? Kid Rock running for Senate in Michigan. Cool. Do I know? Do I know the rock? Johnson, you're the Beatles wrestling correspondent, haven't you? Yeah.

So perhaps you'd have a great insight on this, then, I do. I think this is probably the future for, I mean, to be honest, now, American politics has become more infantile, less believable than American wrestling. Mae'n ymwch i'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy'n fwy Who here would like to keep Donald Trump as president hands up? There's just one hand going up there the front and is that just for entertainment purposes? Yes, I just just for pure entertainment who here would rather see Trump replaced with God I'm gonna need a dwayne the rock Jones not dwayne the rock Jones Let's go for another one. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Stone Cold Steve Austin, okay, let's go.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, of course, very big opponent of global warming. Uh, so we're gonna be a big, big step forward. LAUGHTER I am forgiving you every single pun in our pun run. For that one, Stone Cold Steve Austin global warming ad lib that is absolutely phenomenal work extraordinary one one one final so we are wrestling is the political future for America we'll have one one final question Chris the man in the salt's

mentisha oh no crazy where is alt stationisha? He's right there in the middle. He has actually got my hands. Please pass along. That is not regulation, Merch. He has made that himself. He has stolen that from my children. That was an addition of two. Andy, I was just wondering, which of your current co-hostss you think will be next to voice a smurf. Oh, it's got to be a pal. Surely it's time for an Indian smurf.

Yeah. Well, I'm sort of what with the Indian smurf. I'm not going to do theies. I was going to... I was going to wonder what quality is it would bring. What, I saw the look in your eyes. I anticipated the next request, and I headed it off at the pass. I don't know. What do you think? I think you'd be quite... You'd be quite... Yeah. Thanks. I think you'd be quite... I think you'd be quite... You'd be quite... Yeah. Thanks. I think you'd be quite like... You'd be quite... It's quite the franchise needs.

Can imagine that in Happy Meals. The bad things about the smurf. Yeah. I'm not familiar with the plots of the smurf films, so I don't know what happens and what would be required of the role. Neither of my I Just read the words on the page most of my smurf knowledge has come from over the years listening to Andy Barat John for his participation in it so I'm not fully up I mean I assume one of the smurfsters a 25-minute long one along about the oil industry halfway through

about the oil industry halfway through. Half way through the moment. Well, this is incredibly funny and well researched, but it's very atonal with the rest of the film. Smurf's did really kill John's career, didn't they? So he only got one Emmy nomination this week. LAUGHTER BUZZER BUZZER Quick bit of sport now. And as we record, which is...

Let me just say my watch. ...today. A British woman has played in the semi-final of Wimbledon for the first time since Virginia Wade in 1978's Wade, of course, lost that year losing the title she'd won in hang on look just get me calculator out 1978 minus one so 1877 you take one off both bits of it you carry it I think you carry it over there's a remainder right I get confused by maths I'm a Wade lost in 1978's past sparking a national despond which triggered the victory of Margaret Thatcher in the 1979 general election. Now, hammer blow to British womanhood, that clearly stopped any British woman reaching a women's semi-final until this year. But finally, some 26 and 3 quarter years after

Thatcher was ousted from office. On the day you got another sport injury, you broke your collarbone and playing rugby at school. I did. Or as our father told everyone falling over a style on the way to play rugby. No, that's not true. No, no, let me put this in proper sporting context. I broke my collarbone in a game of four aside rugby in a practice for the school 9th, 15 match to which only eight people turned up.

That is the level of elite athlete you are looking at. Yeah, but you're quite accustomed to performing in front of an audience the same size as the number of people on stage. Oh! It's prepping you for that. This is good stuff. Now, the niche's final thought. Guy, sometimes the siblings, conflict is inevitable. Anyway, the point is, Joanna Consolosing basically means at least 18 more years of Tory rule. But we will report back definitively on that in the year 2056. But Wimbledon, of course, have you got any tennis fans in? Been a big, big problem with Wimbledon this year. All the injuries Andy Murray went out yesterday with an injured hip, no back jock of itch, injured his arm, a spate of withdrawals

in the first week Australia's Nick Kirios, even so injured that he pulled out with four given himself time to throw a proper full-time job at how injured he was. A few other injuries you might not have heard of, Trepple Plectch of Canada, pulled out of his second round match against Groove Hard, Mended Pills of Australia. After serving a ball into his own mouth, Hawkeye showed the ball. You can't, this is basically now an exit track. Hawkeye showed the ball. I'll be interesting, because my parents are here and they were actually outwimbled and today, so they'll be able to verify whether any of this information is...

Well, you'll be able to verify that, right, Mum and Dad? No, I said, niche. Pay attention to the detail of the bullshit. This is a second round match. This lie happened last Wednesday or Thursday. I don't know. I do apologize, Andrew. Thank you.

It's not fresh, much. And I hope I showed the ball clipped his tonsils on the way to embedding itself in his esophagus, so he was ruled out. Jerky Slinkoff of Belarus had to retire deep into an exhausting fifth set on a hot day against the Argentinian baseline of Juan Mango-Flauq. After hallucinating that he was the king of Spain in the heat and trying to climb into the royal box where he cops an umbrella in the plumber from a panicking Dutch-hess of Kent. Romania's Tomash to the Rescue retired.

There's one for any tank engine fans out there, retired. When the 6263 five-lop up against Father Gillick McNeuk of the Vatican city, after McNeuk held up his crucifix and served a large head of garlic at to the rescue who Transpired to be an undiagnosed vampire and fled the court in panic Father MacNook at the press conference afterwards said you never know with Eastern European players I saw the same thing happened when Pat Cassby, Ivan Lendle in the 1987 final. He goes on to meet Poland's Wusterstlich, Wusterstlich, in the third round. Do you know when Pat Cass climbed up to his famously climbed up, you know, I was seen on the

TV this week, they showed 30 years since he climbed up to the box after winning, it wasn't actually to thank his coach and family, it was to get a mallet and some steaks to finish them off. That's right. But Newt incidentally, the first Vatican player in the main draw at Wimbledon since Pope Pius XI lost in the first round of the ladies singles in 1925 to eventual champion Suzanne Longlon, a controversial on many levels, of course, but did eventually lead to the change in Wimbledon rules, which did at the time state that if you turn up in a dress you have to play in the ladies competition and Injuries not as bad on the on the lady side of the draw this year though. They were some withdraws

Blanche Bingley Hillyard she withdrew on the morning of her schedule first round against peculiarity Mendes Klingk the USA Bingley Hillyard sadly died in 1946 But was invited as a wildcard to mark the 120th anniversary of her fourth women's single title in 1897. So going back to which of us deserves to live. All right. Oh, she's coming with a callback! She's bringing no good stuff. Right.

Well, you can catch all the highlights on today I wimble them with that. It's all there in Clair Bolding's eyes. And, in tribute to Pat Cash, all three of us are going to celebrate tonight's bugle by climbing through the audience. Give our parents a cuddle. Yeah. I did like that. There was genuine panic in the front three rides.

We are not. That was a I did, I did. There was genuine panic in the front, we were, we are not. It was a genuine panic in our parents' eyes. We are British, let's keep things up, Bob. Yes, all of that checks out. Right, I'm off on holiday now, so there will not be full bugles for the next couple of weeks, but there will, however, be some absolute rock-solid gold from the recent and more distant archives to keep you entertained. Then we will be back fully on the Bugle Bouncy Castle in August, assuming there is still some news in the world

knocking around that needs to be bugled. For now though, that's it, I'm outta here! .