The Bugle - Boris Johnson's Testimony Proves There Is No God

Episode Date: March 25, 2023

Andy is with Josh and Tiff to look at the global happiness index, Donald Trump's increasingly desperate attempts to make noise, Boris Johnson's grilling, and the right to be rude.Why not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanJosh GondelmanTiff StevensonProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world to one truly reliable source of verifiable lies in the entire universe, a title, no a responsibility,

no a destiny which we take very seriously. Indeed, I'm Andy Zoltzmann, three-time world triple jump champion, an author of a 12-volume history of the harpsichord, sadly out of print. I'm in the shed of heroically indefatable truth. Sorry, I'm terrible with acronyms and titles. As I've just proved twice in this paragraph of reasonably inadequate comedic kickoff,

three times, three times. Joining me today from over there, as I look at over there, but further, ah, I realized this is Nordio podcast, you couldn't see which way I was pointing. And you don't even know which way I was facing when I was pointing, but I was pointing North and East, West, from North of me, a little bit in London,

Tiffany Stevens and from quite a long way west. Josh Gondelman, hello both of you. Hello! Hello, so happy to be here all the way west on the East Coast. Sounds like a great country album. Yeah, it is. It's honestly kind of an East Coast, West Coast hip-hop bridge building effort from the 90s that did not work so we switched to country. How are you, Tiff? I'm good, it just, there was just sleet just very briefly outside the window. The cat is complaining and I'm wearing, you know, again, audio podcast, but I'm wearing a very, very loud jumper, very bright colors because I feel like I just need that energy to push me through into

spring proper. I just need the happiness of color. Because it's not far off now, the clocks in the UK go forward this weekend. Josh, they went forward in New York last week, hence you clocked on to this Zoom call to record an hour early. So, can you just fill us in on what you've been saying for the last hour that would have made a sensational podcast? It was incredible. I was on fire. It felt like being in the future and the past at the same time. So I was kind of like a Kurt Vonnegut hero of comedy. And it just, gosh, it's a shame that I wasn't recording

because I don't know, Pulitzer, Nobel, they're gonna have to invent a new prize for what I was in for the past hour. America, behind us, also in front of. What was it, George Bush said leading from behind George W. Bush said that at one point and that's kind of my comedic style. Well, I look forward to this becoming the lost Gondelman hour, but coming one of my joint comic myths in showbiz. That is that's such a nicer way that's such a nicer thing to apply that term to you

because usually it's just the last hour of the night when I'm drunk with my dog watching basketball on the west coast. Well, we can remake it like they did with handcorks half hours the last Josh, but you're just going to have to decide who's going to play you because it won't be for like 20 or 30 years. Okay. At least. So who would who's gonna play you because it won't be for like 20 or 30 years, at least. So who would you like to play you in the... Who's gonna play 38 year old me 20 years from now? Yeah.

I don't know, I mean. I don't know, I'm in question two months or so. Yeah, I guess like either a 20 year old, currently, if it's hanging in there, or an eight year old that looks like a shit. That's had a really rough life. Yeah, do you know when you're real haggard eight year olds? Charlie Brown?

Yeah. That is, I feel like that is truly my vibe is like adult Charlie Brown. We are recording on the 24th of March in the year 2023. Just 420 short years to the day since Elizabeth I died for the first and last time in her life as most people are very attended to Diet's Unpoint or other. Yeah, 1603, the 20th of, 24th of March, seems like yesterday, but this shit, I was a shoddy wherver of knitting off this covered time travel. But anyway, it was, or a time travel in today. It was on this day in 1603, Elizabeth first renowned for her various nicknames, which included Gloriana, or

as we've now found it should be pronounced Glow-Riana, a massive fan of Riri and indeed of Glow. Good Queen Best, known as Good Queen, by comparison, really, because her predecessor, her sister Queen Mary I, really like setting people on fire so that was a pretty low bar to get over as a queen to just set fewer people on fire and the best stood for best at breakdancing interestingly and also known as the virgin queen and that was an advertising tie in one of the first monarchs to secure a lucrative naming right steel of course there was a boom in transatlantic travel during her reign with the likes of Walter Raleigh himself sponsored by Kids Bike Company from memory. Francis D. Raik was a newly shaped garden implement and mini martin for Ovisha who's got the corner shops of the of Britain late 16th century, really got behind. On this date, in 1989, the Exxon Valdez spills almost a

quarter of a million barrels of crude oil into the coastal waters of Alaska, 11 million gallons, no less, which is a lot of gallons, a classic tale of corporate negligence corner and cost cutting, and more wearingly than the environmental damage in the loss of marine life. It surely is given the local seals, fishes and birds of the Alaskan coastline. The opportunity to study oil and possibly come up with designs for their own internal combustion engines, as they at some point launch the inevitable fight back against the human takeover of this planet as the last thing we need. And tomorrow, the 25th of March will be the anniversary of the founding of the city of Venice,

the notoriously canaled Italian city, founded in 421 on the 25th of March and they've recently discovered a diary belonging to the first ever Merre Venice, Paul Petius Venetianus, and translation of the second entry in his diary from the day after Venice was founded in 421, recently unearthed in translation by the 15th century monk, monk Trevor of Snotabridge, and this is that diary entry from the day after Venice was founded. Day the second, monk, Trevor of Snutterbridge, and this is that diary entry, and the day after Venice was founded. Day the second, weather, Clementine. This day, as the dog barked 12 wise for the middling hour, I think that means midday, a ship of great besiegement and heavenly luxuritization cast its an qua a seawards, yet within means of our new city. When upon

out there with emerged several hundred visitors of Touristic Mean, who spent the chance of graceful of God's hours in mistralment of our dwellage, following behind their king, who held the loft a pointy umbrella for that they might know where to tread and what to observe. They purchased for memorities some commemorational knackages, then reversed into the great ship and set sail for the next unmissability. So it appears the curse of luxury cruises has been there since when it began. Wow.

Well, this is like a precursor to Triangle of Sadness. I mean, if you haven't seen it yet, watch it. It's a great film. Right. Is that the snooker one? Oh, I'm not sure. That would be amazing. Let's make that version Andy.

Wow, I cannot believe that no one's come to that. Of course you would. But yeah, Triangle of Sadness. Um, a very, very sad Stephen Hendry. It's honestly, I'm kind of frustrated that that movie came out because Triangle of Sadness was going to be the name of my education program to teach children geometry against their

will. Well, on that subject, this week's section in the bin is looking at the future of cinema, including, well, this is something that's been widely advocated, multi-films, which a courted screen shows not just the film, but also its three inevitable sequels concurrently to save anyone the hassle of having the pub, coming back for the decretionally effective follow-ups over subsequent years. Also, the bubbleplex in a march gives everyone

their own headset. You just fill out an online form with your political beliefs, and then you get played a version of the film which aligns with those beliefs so no one gets challenged outside their philosophical comfort zone. Also, we look at the possibility of all car chase scenes in films just being replaced with an old-style hand-painted car like they used in film, black and white, silent films in the early 20th century, just saying there was a car chase. Because frankly, we've seen all the fucking car chases we need to as a species. And also, we examine the proposal to open up the Oscars to films that haven't actually been made,

but could theoretically be made. So for example, this year we could have had a best supporting actor to Harrison Ford for how he would have played the parts of celebrity 17th 18th century physics star Isaac Newton in the sci-fi blockbuster Revenge of the alien Apple monsters Anyway that section is in the bin hypothetical tour de force their performance Top story this week. Finland is too happy. For the sixth year in a row, Finland has topped the world happiness rankings. Six years. I mean, this is Rafael Nadal at Roland Garros of the nomination from the first season. Season upon season of greatness. I'm just churning it out, these happy f**kers.

Well, I mean, the question is, and we'll discuss your work where other countries have come later. It's not been a great, it's not been a particularly happy year for the United Kingdom, for example. But why is Finland doing so? Is it a direct correlation between a country's number of lakes to number of people ratio and it's a real level of happiness? Is it something to do with reindeer? Is it something to do with a limited choice of vowel sounds which

Finland definitely benefits from? Or is it a fine heritage in the summer arcane but occasionally useful skill of ski jumping? Being able to hurl yourself off a ramp, whilst wearing skis and land on a hill without crashing, crying or questioning your place in the unending battle with the humankind and physics. Who knows? But Finland is absolutely bossing the art of happiness despite not being a cricket-playing country. So helping you guys.

Maybe because of that. I feel you, Josh. I don't know. I think the cricket is maybe bringing down your overall level of happiness. Maybe you should try the Finnish method of abstinence. No, no, they just call it uncricket in Finland. So why do we think Finland is doing doing so well?

You touched upon a few of the Mandy, but they've got Santa's house. They've got reindeer. They've got clean air, good education, 188,000 lakes. I said it. They're lake sluts. They're unstoppable. Wouldn't you be happy also? It does, have you seen their prime minister? I mean, hub-a-hub-a, I don't know how parliament gets anything done, I'd just be staring at her all day

going, she's so dreamy, like she's young, she's funky. Like I don't know how we could compete in the UK because our prime minister, Josh, you're probably aware of this, is actually on a temp contract. So once a month, a deco sends in the next in rotation. And the one we had to steer us through COVID doesn't look dreamy.

He looks like he was caught with his job as down and wrestled from a bail of hay at Mead Fest. We don't have Santa's house, but we do have a house, a number 10 where a red-faced drunken man made lists of not of who's been naughty or nice, but who would bung him money in return for favors. So Finland has Northern Lights, we have Southern Shites in the Torrey Pie. I think it's just the simplicity of their flag. Right.

They're not wasted any time. There's no stars. There's no stripes. They're just, whoo, whoo, whoo. Done. That's, I think that that shows there are decisive people. There are people that don't require much in the way of a kutramal or razzle dazzle. And I think that speaks well of their overall level of happiness and satisfaction.

Well, that's an interesting theory. Thank you. And I guess we also have to ask, what is happiness? It's one of the great philosophical questions. Opinions on what happiness is have changed throughout the history of this great planet of ours. I mean, at one time people thought happiness was just lollering around in the sea being monoseliala. And nowadays, several hundreds of millions of years on, happiness is considered by many to just be laughing at a meme involving a cat with a quizzical face. So, I mean, the true nature of happiness has always been

subjective, and how would you define true happiness? I mean that's interesting, that pause there is, I mean that reveals a lot I think. Well you got to ask someone a finish guy. Well that's an interesting thing that I think they're sort of trying to take into account when looking at this happiness index is the cultural difference, you know, sort of like different cultures, what they deemed to be happiness. So how can you measure it using one culture's idea of happiness? Basically, collectivism versus individualism. I personally have some very strong opinions about it, which is better. But yeah, it's, yeah, isn't it very individual how we experience happiness and how much are you affected? I should ask you to, like, are you, this is like a pop-psych quiz now, like, is your happiness affected by the happiness of other people around you or are you someone who's able to maintain

your own equilibrium? I'm terrible at maintaining my own equilibrium to be honest. And that doesn't have to be about other people. That can be completely independent. I can be unhappy all by myself. In fact, that's often the easiest way to be unhappy, isn't it, with your own thoughts. I think that's such an important question, though, the cultural bias, right? Because you look at the top of the list of these happiest countries.

And it's like, there's something funny going on because all these countries are like, as white as a salt shaker at the concession stand of a Josh Groban concert. It is white, white. And it's true, right? Happiness is relative. Like, in, I live in New York City and

culturally the happiest level you can achieve is having enough to complain about that it keeps you busy but not so much that you have to live on the street. That's the sweet spot. That's New York City happiness. A lot of the countries that did very well are also riding high in the or riding low in fact in the world corruption index. Eight of the top 10 countries in the happiness index are also in the top 10 least corrupt. So I don't know if they paid off the happiness people. They say that. There might just be levels of corruption that we're not seeing yet.

Well, the US is higher than the UK, right? So the United States is 15, and you guys don't have health care. So that's how bad it is. It does emotionally speaking feel like Brexit has caused kind of a great repression. And I'm, as you said, I'm in the United States, where we're number 15 or as we pronounce it number one. And specifically, I live in New York City, as I mentioned,

but I'm from New England, where much like England Prime, happiness is kind of an afterthought, right? It's not the goal. Priorities are like seeming successful to the people around you, rejecting change and effectively sublimating all emotion into Rabbid sports fandom. Those are the priorities.

Happiness is like a distant 15. Well, I've said this before, we don't hope for positivity, like American audiences when they go into shows, they go in kind of genuinely or generally as a rule, kind of going, well, this is gonna be awesome. I'm British people going, going, this is gonna be shit. So that's where we set our level out. And then if it's good, we're like, oh, well, it wasn't shit.

So I think we're just, our baseline is just lower than than many other nations. I think I would do well there. Kind of a reverse limbo just to just get over the bar. So, well, let's look now at some reasons why various countries might not be doing doing so well. I think we're still ahead of Russia, but quite a long way. It was all first something to work. So I just read in a Russian newspaper that Russia's on the precipice of a gigantic military victory.

So I don't know why they've got it now. Russia came 70th on this, according to the link I've got, now it's just bad news for the, well I think the list goes down to 137th, so that's, that's bad, there's 67 countries, less happy than Russia at the moment, that's not a good sign for our great species. But there's more countries than that. I'm curious about how happy those bullets are. Well, they're doing so bad. They wouldn't even talk to us.

They're not even picking up the phone when we call. So let's look at America, which as you say likes to style itself as the greatest nation in the world, but isn't the happiest nation in the world. And one of the people I think that has, can take a lot of credit for America, avoiding being the happiest nation in the world, is former president and insurrectionist Donald Trump. And there's been a lot of,

it's been quite hard to follow exactly what's going on in his potential arrest. By the time, uh, but you, uh, audio read or listen to this part of the audio newspaper, it's possible that Trump will have been arrested. It's also possible, although less probable that he will have handed himself in at his local police station and typically admitted to a string of crimes saying I just want to come clean and learn to live with myself again. That does seem a bit unlikely. But apparently he said he wants me, oh, sorry, that's that that seems slightly less probable than than another insurrection and him becoming president again by the time this episode

is released. Um, he said he wants to be handcuffed for a perp walk if he is arrested. This is all in relation to the Stormy Daniels case and alleged hush money. And he is, I think, seems to be even more unhinged than he's generally being even by his impressively unhinged standards. He, he roared on social media, take our nation back. Now, I think that is what 80 million voters tried to do in November 2020. But apparently, you know, he's, this is what, this is what he now wants, Josh, he wants, he wants America back. How, do you feel about that? I mean, he's, if you want America back, he is going kind of the road of standing at the border with a boom box. He's begging. It is kind of a Kusaki and patheticness. He said he wants, it's true. He keeps making a big deal.

He keeps saying they're going to come get me. You've got to protest. And people are not turning on big numbers. So now he's turning a spectacle of himself. He says if he does get arrested in context of these stormy Daniels hush money payments, he wants to be handcuffed and not to kink shame, but that's none of my business, right? I feel like that's less of a perp walk and more of a perv walk in this context. I like personally, I don't have a lot of hope in like bringing Donald Trump, quote unquote, to justice.

So I'm just rooting for things that make him unhappy to happen to him. Criminal charges short, but like being chased around by a small, loud dog, that would be pretty funny. Catching his balls and the zipper and his pants like Ben Stiller and there's something about Mary, like whatever it is. I just want to be public and embarrassing. But she so he really wants this public spectacle right to make him seem like a persecuted martyr and and there's all this talk about what's gonna be good for Trump right? Oh, it's it'll be good for him if people see him being marched in handcuffs because that'll rile up his his base and I just don't trust when people say that right like they think everything like Republicans will

come up and be like oh that's what Trump what Trump wants. Like everything will help in 24. Like Trump could fall naked onto wet cement and have his butt cheeks sealed shut by concrete. And when he needs to poop, it comes out his mouth. And pundits would be like, this is going to be huge with his base. And I don't know about that. But again, I don't want to kick him.

Talking shit, huge with his face. I think, yeah. Yeah, how's, yeah. How's that so different than what brought him to prominence in the first place? I guess. I like how they've written about it in all the papers, because it says, he wants, it said, Trump has told advisors,

he wants to be handcuffed when he makes an appearance in court. If he's indicted by Manhattan Grand jury for his role in paying the hush money to adult film star Stormy Daniels, they're just, they were written like, all of the articles I've read have written like it's a gum shoe, talking about it to adult film star Stormy Daniels. They were written like all of the articles I've read have written like it's a gum shoe talking about it in a film noir. So I think that's how we should refer to all of it. Now like get the bracelets on that guy. He's taking a lot of flim flam. Get the stool pigeon on the blower. So Donald, do you offer that

broad some cabbage to keep stream. Why? I don't give you a Chicago overcolt. I would watch that. He posted a picture of himself next to a picture of the Manhattan District Attorney, Alvin Bragg, who could issue this arrest warrant. And Trump is wielding a baseball bat. So he's threatening a judicial officer, a leading lawyer with a distinguished career in a long record of standing up for fairness and justice to rather dated American values, but they are still only official list of American values. And Alvin Bragg is a black man and who Trump has described as a danger to our country and an animal, and he is wielding a baseball bat in this rather incompetently mashed up picture.

Now, I am starting to think that maybe Trump is not quite the savor of American democracy that he likes to portray himself as there is something I was Gary Linnicka-Mind to point it out, something of the early to mid 20th century about him. But, Josh, he's still odds on favorite to be chosen by the Republican Party, the party of Abraham Lincoln as their presidential candidate in 2024.

What hope is there for humanity? Oh, is that what we're going to hope? Is that what we're supposed to be aspiring to? I mean, if we're looking to the Republican nominee for hope in humanity, I think it's it's thank you next. Let's see what next species is is next in the line of succession for this planet. And it's it's him versus um Ron DeSantis, right. That's that's who people and Nikki Haley, of course, but like this is not a field that inspires hope, right. This is um it's just, we just, the hope is anyone else. And that's, which I think was Joe Biden's 2020 campaign

slogan. Rudy Giuliani, who you may remember, sweating pure evil. Is that Rudy from the mass singer? It was that scene from Fifth Element, wasn't it? He has declared that Trump's arrest could quote, signal the end of American civilization. Now, look, I know we live in the age of hyperbole. In fact, I would say that everything that it said by anyone today is as hyperbole

if anything has ever been said before, possibly more so. But still, even by today's standards, this is a bit over the top. Isn't it? The end of American civilization. This also is a man who was an article I saw that he, he's on cameo, the site where you can pay celebrities to record things for you and for $325, he recited, I'm a little teapot. Well, for $600, Rudy Giuliani will file a lawsuit claiming that you are the rightful

president of the United States. His cameo works on tears and you get a lot of thing for your butt. Black tears. He's a hyper-volic guy. He used to go by America's mayor. And that's just a description of the president's job. The president is already America's mayor. In other American news, well TikTok has been grilled in Congress. The CEO of TikTok, Shuzi Chiu, co-interns also at Sean Conneries to say when asked what his favorite

credent clear water song was, whilst eating slightly over large canopy. It was grilled in a congressional hearing. Some people did criticise the Congress people involved, Republicans and Democrats, for being quote, like an episode of the bugle. Sorry, I didn't think so. So, what they actually said were frustratingly verbose. It was was kind of an interesting piece of corporate political drama. US politicians concern that TikTok user data could end up in the hands of the Chinese government. TikTok is a Chinese owned company. Are people, what does it, you know, ordinary Americans facing a potential ban on TikTok? I mean, it's obviously quite harrowing because there could be, you know, like a 25 minute period where people don't have

a social media platform. It takes its place. I mean, how are people reacting Josh? I think we've got to start here, right? 150 million Americans use TikTok. That's so many more than the number of Americans who vote. So TikTok is just empirically more popular than the government that's investigating, right? I say, let's just make TikTok the government. People are already engaged with it on a daily level, and Charlie Demilio wouldn't even be one

of our 10 worst presidents in history. Just on the strength of our not actively committing genocide. I think all of the questions and answers should have been done using viral challenges. I feel that's the only fair way to do it. So first you have to lip sync the terms of service. Then you need to cross examine while doing the don't rush makeup challenge. Then sum up your points doing a char-chars slide. But I think what's interesting is that there are obviously valid concerns or questions to be raised, but they feel like so embarrassingly out of touch

that it kind of undermines the whole thing. So like, someone called it a tick tack. I was the tick tack out. Someone else said, one of the remarks was that tick talk had a hydrocoxy chlorine tutorial. And I mean, didn't the former president give a hydrocoxy chlorine tutorial on live TV? Like, so I think there's valid concerns. Where's the third party data going? going obviously at the minute in the UK

It's dangerous to mention a third party because Boris Johnson would be like where how look over there But you know we know that Cambridge Analytica ran election interference on Facebook So all of these apps have the potential to be used in a damaging way and there probably should be more stricter regulations, but it sort of doesn't help your case when you're like, like, I think one of the questions was like, can it access my Wi-Fi if I go on the app? And the owner of to the CEO of TikTok's like, well, yeah, you have to use the Wi- internet to get on the app. In other China news, President Xi has met with Vladimir Putin over the last week or so. China has proposed a plan for an end to the Ukraine War, or as Rondersand is called

a territorial dispute, which I think we've got about 10 days ago, I think he called it a territorial dispute, showing that some aspects of Britishness remain in America at just the capacity to write things off with classic British style understatements. That is something that you've clung on to since the late 18th century. Just a territorial dispute. Yeah, I don't know. That's like describing World War I as the 20th century going through a slightly volatile adolescence or the Cold War nuclear testing race between the Soviet Union and the USA for 50 50s and 60s, being a little bit of boom and a little bit of bang. Let's give credit what credit's due. Who would have thought a guy whose political enemies call meatball Ron would be capable of such understatement?

You have to respect the subtlety. This is this supposed partnership between China and Russia. Unlike he to be a partnership of equals given that Putin is, well, I think struggling for credibility and result, he currently Vladimir Putin has the negotiation strength of an ice cream pawn in a game of volcano chess and how I researched that line. Also, he's been on the wrong end of an international arrest warrant. So, I mean, it is possible that Putin and Trump might be arrested on the same date. I mean, that would be a, that would make an amazing telep. I don't know which, what would the news lead with? And maybe they could get a two for one deal and just try

them both at the same time. Well, we can always bring Boris in as a third. them both at the same time. Well, we can always bring Boris in as a third. I read that it said, this was the headline I read. It said, she signs agreement with Russian President Vladimir Putin cementing their no-limits partnership days after latter was issued an international West arrest warrant. And I was like, wait, isn't this literally the plot to 50 shades of grey? Negotiating hard and soft limits with a contract and an agreement and then later on one of them gets taken to the red room. It's it's like a weird time to form an alliance with Vladimir Putin, right? Like if I have a friend who's on like the wrong side of a breakup

I don't even want to post him on my Instagram stories. I'm like, I get to wait till this goes down a little bit. But UK news now. So, well, let's look again in a little more detail. So why Britain is not currently happier? And this week Boris Johnson, our former Prime Minister, had to respond to questions in Parliament regarding the party gates scandal. And well, what did I think of it? Well, to be honest, I didn't think anything of it because I could not physically break myself to watch it. I've realised that I have I I'm way beyond the point of total Johnson's saturation. He could have turned a cauliflower into a tennis-playing walrus by reciting the lyrics to Too

Shy by Cajagoogu, and I would have thought, please go away, I've just had enough. So I've sort of avoided it, but the thing is, no one's going to change their opinion on Johnson at this point. Tip, I mean, almost everyone in the country thought or assumed he was lying. And the remaining 23 people were largely unconvinced by his performance. So I've not already won. He's really going to be swayed one way or the other. Well, yeah, I think actually a friend of mine has a very different opinion, maybe to the rest of us on the podcast. So she she's asked would she be allowed to speak on Boris's behalf. Okay this friend of yours being Henrietta Mouthpiece. Okay great

hit from Henrietta. Fifth to the seat of Darbyshire. Yeah. You probably know her so um okay. Hello Henrietta Mouthpiece here as well columnist and a Binyan Maker, just here with the plea to leave Old Bozer alone. What is happening now is tantamount bullying, and I should know because I was actually head bully at Effledine School for Girls who married a title cousin. Firstly, who is interviewing him, the Privileges Committee? See, already admitting they have privileges that Boris doesn't. Why should one group of people be above others? He's just a father, politician, and absolutely fantastic scrum bugger. He put his hand on a Bible, what more do heasons want from him?

Was he advised badly, of course he was, many of his advisers told him the truth that he would look bad if he got caught and getting caught is not on him, is it? It's really on the people who caught him because they are just jealous. Look, a leaving do is not a party, it's a leaving do. It's a hairdo party, no, exactly. So why are these people grandstanding and gloating, like if uncovered some great truth about this nation's second best leader after Winnie himself? It's really outrageous. Actually, I tell you who should be put on trial.

Is it a trial? It's more like a witch hunt. Sue Gray, I tell you what, if she hadn't got sticking her beacon where it wasn't wanted, we wouldn't be in this position we're in now, which is my whole family unable to access Any government funding for our plucky little interior design business catering exclusively to high-end political residences

awful stuff Boza we're thinking of you also side note. I do need a cheeky letter of recommendation for the youngest getting into eating for me Wow, that's always good to get you know both sides of the recommendation for the youngest getting into eating for me. Wow, that's always good to get, you know, both sides of the story. It's, um, I don't like the name of it, even party gate. I think that we got to be done with gate. I think we should call this the fury over the Tories, sorry. Well, Henry had to mention that the Johnson held a copy of the Bible and swore

to tell the truth. And I think I've laid my atheist cards on the table quite frequently during the history of the bugle, but I think this might be the most conclusive proof of the non-existence of God, but there has ever been in the history of humanity. Because if there was a God, seeing Boris Johnson hold a Bible and swear to tell the truth, the heavens would have instantly torn themselves a sunder, and he would have appeared shouting, for fuck's sake, that is too much, too much. You'd think even just with all the, ah, the like intense storms brought on by our changing climate. We could have got a little lightning. Right?

This is one strategy. The Rudeness News now. And well, obviously, one of the things that is most guaranteed to make you happy is being rude to people. That is a fundamental state of human existence. And a Canadian judge has leapt into the breach on behalf of all humanity by declaring that giving the middle finger is, quote, a God-given right. This came after Caucasian Montreal and a man was accused of harassing a

neighbor so if you're listening to Rondasantis basically think of it as Ukraine but a bit less. It was a 26-page decision in which a 26-page decision on someone flipping a middle finger at their neighbor, the judge, Dennis Gallyat Satos. Undoubtedly, that was a fucking highlight of his entire legal career. A 26 page decision on someone flipping a bird, he must have absolutely loved it. And he wrote, flipping the proverbial bird is a God-given charter enshrined right that belongs to every red-blooded Canadian. Was it above the head trove?

That's what I think you know. That's cute, right? That's nice. I think that's the right decision. I think it's a... It's even this Canada. They're not going to exercise that right on a massive scale. They're too polite. This is like if Italy ruled it's a God-given right for men to move out of their

mother's homes in their late 20s. Like, they can, but they won't. But, uh, Josh, America is also enshrined the right to be ruled. That's right. A court ruling from, from Massachusetts. That's right. A woman described participants in a town meeting as Hitler's and said that they're spending money like drunk and sailors and they kicked her out and she sued and they said, a judge ruled, actually, you can be rude at a town meeting and they can't make you leave. And that is an incredibly Massachusetts ruling, right? That's what's to be expected

from a state where the standard greeting is Yankee's sock. And that's coming from people who qualify themselves as Yankees. So that is I think really beautiful. Like from the Boston Tea Party onward, our country was founded on the principle that people from Massachusetts are allowed to be rude in the government context.

Do we not? Did no one ask what you do with a drunken sailor? I don't think we want to hear response. This case centered on the First Amendment right to assemble, right, which is a Harvard Law professor described it, quote, the ugly duckling of the First Amendment, to which ugly ducklings across the street, excuse me, to which ugly ducklings across the state replied,

suck our fucking duck dicks, you know, fucking outgains. That's from the book Makeway for Ducklings. That is from the award-winning children's book Make Way for Ducklings. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. If you want to feel happier over the next week, just imagine sitting by a lake on feeling quite cold. It will be halfway to being finished.

So thank you for listening. Josh, do you have any forthcoming shows or anything else you'd like to alert us? I do. I'm all over the US in the next few months. JoshGondelman.com slash schedule. And I also have been writing a weekly newspaper full of pet art, excuse me newsletter, full of pet talks and it's Josh Gondelman, geo and DEL, man.substack.com

and I put all my tour dates in there. I it's like 18 to 20 cities, I'll be doing in the next few months and if you're not in any of those places, I have a stand up special called People Pleasert that's available internationally. I think Vimeo is a place to find it outside the US. I am on tour. I've just on my first tour date in Belfast, but the majority of them are in May.

My show's sexy brain, so go see that. If you want the full info, go to my website, tiffsteamson.co.uk. Also, listen to catharsis, the brilliant podcast from the bugle team. We've got episodes coming up with Reese James, Darren Harrier, Rachel Paris, very excited about the guests that we've got in forthcoming apps. Also, there is an episode available with Scottish husband explains a hang himself, a niece Scottish boyfriend, and also I would like to say, before we end this, I'm gonna exercise my right to be rude

in a bugle meeting, f*** you Chris. Oh, I actually can sort of add a compliment, and thank you very much. Thank you for listening, because we'll be back next week with hopefully Nishkoomar and Felicity Ward. And I will play you out now with some more contributors to the Buegle wall of fame and their

contributions to human civilization to join the Buegle voluntary subscription scheme to give a one off or a current contribution to keep me show free flourishing and independent, go to thebuegleboxers.com and click the donate button. flourishing and independent goes to the viewbookers.com and click the donate button. Andrew Bauderi was a key influence on the Apollo missions, having insisted that NASA do more than just quotes, get it up in the sky and then riff it from there. Tony Ayuto helped Badminton to evolve as a sport by suggesting a compromise between the two rival factions, one of whom wanted to use chickens as the projectile item batted between the players, and the other of whom wanted to use replicas of spacecraft.

Brad Scavio does not like to brag about it, but helped make the saxophone a popular musical instrument after discovering that people had been blowing into the wrong end, which was why it had not been working very well. Grace McClintock was the person responsible for the bouncy castle, becoming a much loved part of modern human life, having discovered a 14th century blueprint for an inflatable fort to be used during the Hundred Years' War. She realised it might be fun, even if militarily ineffective. Adam Pococh helped reestablish Shakespeare as a respected playwright by persuading people that the celebrity Stratfordian was not in fact the writer of the 1608 Fast, say hello to the wiggly worm.

Joseph Scram discovered that lizards can use their tongues to unlock any bank vault, but has never shared that knowledge because he respects the law. Peter Duryitz calculated that the Colosseum in Rome, or ancient Rome as it was known then, was an entertainment arena rather than a giant communal bath, not that anyone would put that past the Romans to be fair. Matt Stevenson was a key influence on the musical career of pianist Daniel Baron Boym, who before he became famous, said to Matt, I just go plinky plunk and people seem to love it, and advised him to expand his repertoire. And Nancy Niles proved to all the skeptics that the number of stars in the sky was not in fact related to the number of times people had used a rude word that day, that the various gods in

heaven had to replace with asterisks, like they do in over-sensitive newspapers. Thank you to all entrants to the Bugle Wall of Fame.