The Bugle - Brexit Is Just Shellfish🐚

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

Why are Brits eating snakes, chopped up and smothered in lube? What's Ted Cruz's thing with breast milk? What's yoga? And what are the French now doing at lunch? Andy is with Alice Fraser and Tiff Stevenson. We have a NEW SHOW. Subscribe to The Gargle and get topical jokes about everything except politics: https://pod.link/1552687312Buy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserTiff StevensonAnd produced by Chris Skinner. Listen to Chris' Travel Hacker here: http://pod.link/1480712081  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello! Hi! Yes!

Is Alice Fraser here? Yes. Yes, of the last post. Yes, of the Bugle. Oh my god, yes! I would love to do a Bugle spin-off show. Yep. Yep. Yeah, is that all waiting for Andy to retire and that man is looking healthy? What would it sound like? Ah. I mean, probably like the bugle, but you know, the good news? No, no, no, not the happy news, the interesting news. No offense to the news,

but I am sick of making jokes about Brexit and about stupid politicians saying, stupid shit to make stupid people angry. Yeah, yeah, no. Yeah, like tech news and arts and fun stories about animals and like science and life advice and who's in style and Hollywood, yes, I guess I can do celebrity news if I have to. Sure, I'll mention flamingos, but I won't be nice about them. Cool, cool, cool. So when does the first episode come out? Ah, I better get writing. Okay. And what's it called? The gaggle. The gaggle? The gaggle. The gaggle. Alright, sure. The bugle presents the newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4183 of the Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual world at the 15th of February 2021. It's cold and wet, we've a bugle to do and here in the shed I've switched off my cricket machine temporarily just for you, Bugleers, my 4AM starts, I'm not getting any easier. I'm also back from using my time machine, I mean you wouldn't have noticed obviously but put it this way, can I say, I was very very lucky. So you've not had to deal with the aftermath of the successful Harryhausen Henson presidential ticket in 1976 that were formally unleashed puppet hell on the USA and indeed the world. Joining me today on my left, well she's from Australia, I'm in South London

facing West so she's basically on my left. Alex Fraser. Hello Andy, hello Bugleers. Yeah the Henson puppet ticket would be a problem. Here they got a finger in a lot of pies. And what they can do with those pies. Ha ha ha ha ha. How's Australia? We've been gelously watching some of the tennis the other day in Melbourne with actual crowds and they sent them all home mid-session when they introduced a new lockdown. They made people leave in the middle of a match. So they weren't contravening the midnight cutoff. Look, Andy, it's really nice when these little,

tiny little lockdowns happen because it makes it feel less embarrassing to talk about how we're doing as compared with you if we have the occasional glitch, you know, otherwise seamless luxury lifestyle. LAUGHTER I was very considerate of you, those old, old bonds, remain strong. And on my right, over there, if you're looking that way,

but good to all of you. Here in London, it's Tiffany Stevenson. Hi. I'm very jelly of what Alice is getting up to. She feels like trolling jelly. So jelly. Is that, is that now on a official shortening of jealous? How tired you are?

Yes, you have to be able to make all that jam. Right, of course. Sorry, I missed it. Jamf with jealousy. Yeah, very jelly shortening for jealous Envious. I don't know, I feel like Alice's Instagram is kind of trolling me basically. Any Australian people are trolling us right now

with their pictures of beaches and going out. The, um, uh, I believe it was Destiny's Child Lerick. I don't think you're ready for this jelly. Was that very much an adaptation of Shakespeare's Othello, uh, exploration of, uh, a human jealous? Interesting you've taken it. Yeah, I think I don't know where the jelly was like more, I always thought jelly in that sense was more about curves, but that is also quite Shakespearean. This is beautiful 4183. By coincidence, 4183 is according to a computer simulation

run this week, the number of puppies that Donald Trump would have to drown in front of the average Republican senator sequentially one after the next before That senator would acknowledge that maybe Trump is probably a puppy drowner Now I'm not saying it was a completely reliable computer simulation. I'm just putting it out there We are recording on February the 15th, 2021, making this the 50th anniversary of decimalization in the UK, which came into full force two score and 10 years ago, or four dozen and a couple if you want to go that way. And that leads us to our section in the bin, which is a commemorative

supplement of other British units decommissioned when we went decimal, along with the old currency, these units of British measurement decommissioned when decommissioned when decommissioned happened 50 years ago today, included a frodig, which is a unit of liquid volume equivalent to a horse's first urination of the day. A frodig was used to sell flagands of horsewas, which were at the time used as a substitute varnish for church pews. A gamuk, that was a unit of time, equating to one-twelfth of a drought, which was the average time it took King Edward I to get over a hangover,

caused specifically by drinking two cloggings of meat. The drought was roughly four hours, 15 minutes in today's time, a clogging, of course, being the volume of a large ox's bladder. A clinticule, that's an 18th of a clint, and a clint is a third of a pangelard, which of course was the average circumference of a monk's casak, and it was of course a legal in the early days of the Church of England for a monk's dingle dangle to exceed a single clinticule which Julie led to the compalterisation of celibacy.

A yowlard that went as well, a standard unit of sound measurement, pre-desibel, equivalent to the noise of a screaming heretic being tortured on a rack, and a flound, as the recommended distance people were advised to fling a rat during times of plague, which approximately 30 to 40 metres in today's distances depending on the wind. Andy, actually the horse urine is why they were called pews in the first place. I'm loving all this decimal chat. You make a great point. The decimal points.

Come on guys. Come on. Also, the monks, I think they made up for... Ten. Ten. Ten. Ten. Ten. Also, so the monks, I think they made up for... A little bit of tens. Yeah, tens. What have I done? What have I done? I think the monks to make up for their like lack of...

Like you know how they were sellable, I think to make up for that, they used to try and dress like slutty. Do you think there were monks that would wear their belt really low on their hips to say? If I could, I would be up for it. slutty, do you think there were monks that would wear their belt really low on their hips to say, if I could, I would be up for it. Oh, that's quite an interesting, I mean, there must have been researched on into that, you know, the the the the the the racist month governments in ecclesiastical history. If you are a monk and you like to you like to flaunt it, do write in and tell us the best way to wear a cassock seductive leaf. That section in the bin. Top story this week, chaos in France.

Well, I mean, there has been a tragic setback for France as a nation, a tragic setback indeed for, well, national stereotyping the world over because France has abandoned everything that makes it special, everything that it stands for, everything the French Revolution was about and it is legalised the eating of lunch at your desk. I mean, the end of the elongated French lunch is surely yet another staging post, Tiff, Analys, on the decline of humanity as the world's leading species. Zutaloor, Andy.

Left, can I just get that out the way first, go for Alice? Well, I mean, it's not as legalized, but it's been recommended in a revised labour protocol that has banned French workers from their common areas for lunchtime. I mean, this next thing you know, they'll be embracing pre-sliced bread and monogamy, Andy. This is so unfrench. I think it's actually very good. I think it's a good move for the French.

It must be exhausting for them to constantly be having three hour long wind-filled, convivial lunches on picnic rugs by the same. Now at last, they can get their emails done while choking down a wet beget from pret like the rest of the world. It was a Frenchman Andy who wrote, hell is other people and he wrote that at his disc at lunch. John Paul Sartre is a list of office complaints. It was a real stickle for paper clips also. I mean as you saw I mean the pillars of French society are falling one by one. I mean soon they'll be playing ruthlessly

efficient, safe percentage rugby. Probably it's heading that way in some ways. And cycling for on occasion less than three weeks at a time. So I mean, will we still recognize France for what it is, for what I mean, is this? I know. I mean, I love the French for their attitude towards that. You know, it's the country of Le Mour,

and they love to eat out. Yeah. And I don't need to add anything to that. Totally. But I kind of, like I saw in Emily in Paris was how, I mean, I've been in France. My grandmother was like half French. So I have like French family.

And that kind of like, the first episode of Emily in Paris, and they went mad about the stereotypes, but she didn't get invited out to lunch and it was such a big thing Because everyone's out enjoying themselves and the French have described this move as having to sit at your desk and have a sad desk salad Like Sit, re triste it's so sad you and your little salad and they've banned moments of conviviality. That's how they described it. Alice said the word earlier which I love that because you know it's so French it's like making a coffee and it sounds like fun socializing and that's not my experience of being in an office. When I worked in the office might those moments remain

completely complaining about the biscuits and pervy-dugging accounts staring at tits again. They weren't really moments of convoyality. I like the French's attitude towards this towards like enjoying life. So this has been brought about by the many and varied impacts of COVID. So yeah, it is now legal for French workers to stay in their office for lunch, or is it is known in France? Lâche. And it is a loud ass. It is a desk. Or is there known in France?

The table laboree de utilitarianism optimal for the, for suivance, de toutes les artificer compétences de l'administration, des travail pecuniers et de les maintenance des offices equipment pendant tous les aires, et donc, de D'once, Anci, Biazzio, Ozi, Du, Lesionneau, Profesionneau. The previous punishment for eating lunch at your desk, well I think it was 10 years in jail, which is what we're now giving for most crimes these days here in Britain, because then we'll be touched on later in the show.

Also a six month ban on wearing bearers, and more tellingly, the grave punishment of missing out on sitting for three hours eating creasers rich food that can sit you down for a week. I mean, it is such a, I mean, obviously, my experience of France is at best, touristically superficial. But I think my favorite French lunch moment,

I went there many years ago with my wife for I think was favourite French lunch moment, I went there many years ago with my with with my wife for I think was an anniversary trip and we had Lunch in a stupidly ridiculous French restaurant where there was some confusion amongst the the waiting staff as they brought out a little Trey with some chocolates on to go with our coffee at the end of the meal And this guy brought a tray out and he just stood there with his panicked look in his eye and just standing there with these chocolates on a tray. And then he was kind of looking around. And so rather just putting the tray down

or asking us to take the chocolates off, he had to wait for another waiter to come and remove the chocolates with tongs to then put them on a little plate. That was how formal the waiting was in that room. I think the most French moments I've ever experienced food. How does everyone then not have gout all the time? We, I went to Cannes to like,

it was like a corporate gig. This is a few years ago. Paul and I, like every day, just eight saucy-son, cheese, drunk, red wine, and watch people walk past with pomeranians in baby purposes. It's the weirdest. Like the French lifestyle and they don't, you can't criticize it, they're on it because they just, they don't care and they're like, you're English, so you're embarrassing. Like that's the attitude. This is how confident French people are as well.

That, like, on the streets, there were condom machines. Like, on the street, you could go to a condom vending machine. That is how confident French people are that they're gonna get laid at any moment. They need access to like a street condom. And I, for one, I am impressed by that. I aspire to that level of confidence and enjoyment of life.

And I wish we had a law here that banned a sad desk salad from pret. I wish we had that law. Yeah, but pret, of course, the, well, ironically, the chain of French named, kind of was, basically, they provide adequate sandwiches and other forms of edible ambivalence. And I think it's a French term, pretta, manger, which I think means

ready to give birth to a Messiah child in the agricultural equipment that's currently available at the end. Pfft. I mean, Alice, do you think this could prove decisive in the 2022 French presidential election that under Macron's stewardship, they basically stolen lunch from out of French bushes? I mean, that's a pretty risky play from this point of view, isn't it? I mean, almost certainly this will cause chaos in the streets, but because they're not allowed to leave their desks,

it will be chaos at their desks. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Desk bound chaos. That's something that is unique to our times, I think. Ha ha ha ha. Putting on some real aggressive filters. Spelling out the words, Liberty, fraternity, egality in bread rolls on the roof

as a form of roof as a form of as a form of protest. But it is still unclear how it's going to go down with French workers. I imagine they'll be getting very cross about it. Oh, right. A French fat friend of mine is particularly particularly angry. He rang the up the other day. He said, I like Ducca L'Arrange from my lunch, but in the modern work world, in the time available for lunch breaks, I can hardly get out for lunch and back in time.

And he said that my boss is always there, waiting to gloat over any slip-ups I'm making, the afternoon after a boozy lunch, as soon as I make a mistake, ta-ta! That, he says. I'm not a joke. I'm not a joke. I'm not a joke.

My friend also said that he, he said I like to have two pairs of two dumpling-type things, but I'm not allowed that he, he said I like to have two pairs of two dumpling type things, but I'm not allowed that anymore. Four can help. But one a pile of crepes you continued, but I cannot be any any clearer about this. We're mainly Chris's face at this point. We've got to we've got to keep mowing forward he said, we've got to poisson. But we are best out of this, even if it has taught us a valuable lesson. We have to get over it. And anyway, with a lack of time to, he's very worried about the lack of time to have a proper

cheese course as well, he said, I can't bear it. They should be reasonable and come to their senses. It could backfire as well, he said, They've made a rock for their own back. He also complained to the police to turn that one. Him and his girlfriend were having lunch not at their desk. They tried to arrest my mistress. I said, leave our out of this. It's not a plus worth paying. And this is too early. I didn't know why you wanted to do this story first and now it's abundantly obvious. I'd have lunch with him the other day. I could tell he was upset because I tried to get his attention. I'm generally hitting him on the shoulder with my fingers, but he didn't react even though I was taping hard. And to be honest, I mean, you could see how upset he was. He's very

French, but he barely even flirted with a very shapely waitress. So he didn't even look at a rack let alone chatter up. But he'd been showing, see, I could, I mean, it could swing the French president election towards the right wing from Nascar now. I can see Nigel Farage getting involved trying to add his weight behind the campaign. I imagine he'll be driving around France in a little truck and we'll become known as the Coco Van Right I'm done here. I always thought Coco Van was sex in the back of a transit Andy. Yeah, so I'm glad it's just Nigel Farage

Andy you made a real meal out of that, but I made a meal for you. Very good. Is it time to move on to other lunch news? I think it probably is. Joe Biden has issued a striking warning to America about the challenges that lie ahead with regard to its relationship with China amongst the Miriad things in Joe Biden's interest he takes over control of the raging rhinoceros There is America after the previous rider of that rhinoceros of kneecaptid sold its horns on the black market and told that it was a

Walrus dealing with China could be one of the toughest things he's facing now His first telephone chinwag with the Chinese leaders Yee-jin Ping last week. They knatted on like a pair of teenagers about all kinds of silly stuff like the future relationship between the world's two most powerful nations at the environment and shit like that and the best noodle dish to each deductively on a date. And to show the US public exactly how tricky this is going to be, Biden spoke from the only language that can possibly penetrate to enough of the US electorate. He told them that China will eat America's lunch. Now that surely is one way.

We talk about the difficult of communicating with all sides of the political spectrum. The show's, you know, Biden is reaching out. He's talking to America in terms that surely all Americans can understand. The stealing of lunch. The problem, of course, is that China doesn't need to eat the US's lunch. They have child slave labor and weager work camps to make all the lunch they need and in fact much of the lunch that the US is buying. Yeah, I mean it's, it's, I don't know how I'd respond if the Chinese Communist Party

threatened to eat my lunch. I think I'd probably get straight down to the kill and start firing an absolute motherload of terracotta warriors to defend my, and I'm not expect America to do the same but I mean I guess yeah when it comes to the whole issue when it thinking about exactly what joiner has planned for the world is one of those things that makes many people in the traditional western powers understandably desired not to spend any time thinking about exactly what joiner has planned for the world in cannot possibly end well.

Other food news down the World Health Organization has suggested that coronavirus, the celebrity virus that you've probably heard of over the last year or so, could have come from frozen food. As Oscar Wilde said, there is no more terrible beast than a wronged fish finger. And I mean this, I know that you've been keeping a very close eye on all the conspiracy theories surrounding COVID. I mean, this is, is this the least exciting one we've had yet? We had, you know, rogue pangolins, biological warfare by pseudo-commoner Super Power.

We've had Bill Gates implanting special little robots and people's eyeballs or whatever is. But now we could just be looking at the revenge of the nugget. Well, so Andy, this is the least exciting option except for the Chinese state media. So this idea that was sort of carried inside or on the surface of some frozen food was put forward with a number of other scenarios that are much more likely by a joint world health organization and Chinese investigation. And Chinese state media will like, it's definitely this one. The reason they love the story of it possibly being from frozen food is that it could place the source of the virus outside of China from an animal

imported from another country. Even though it's very unlikely the Chinese state media loves bad things not being China's fault. That's their favourite thing. Apart from denying workplace human rights abuses and talking about how buff Xi Jinping is, I don't care. Look, I don't really give a f*** where the virus came from at this point. None of us ever traveling internationally anywhere ever again. And I can be mean about Xi Jinping. I'm never going to visit China. It's like my dick Xi Jinping. Hahaha. That's your new spin off podcast, isn't it? To go along with the forthcoming,

the girl called with Alice Fraser from the People's Day, something like dick Xi Jinping. Hahaha. I hope it's not frozen food. I hope it didn't come through frozen food because that'll be why moms won't go to Iceland. And I just don't think they could afford to take the hit right now.

That is Iceland, the supermarket chain, not the country, obviously. Mums do go to Iceland because the football players from there are incredibly fit. And also very well organised to be fit. Obviously that's really how they've managed to have so much success on the, not just their fitness that you've correctly pointed out, but through the team structure's been the highly efficient as well. Yes, stop me objectifying, men Andy, I think that's a good, that's a good way for this podcast. I don't want to go down that route too early. But I mean, obviously it's been spoken about it being a zoonotic disease for the longest time,

which Alice was saying, which is a disease that originates in animals that goes on to infect humans. We've seen these before, like that time that I had a rampant desire for sugar puffs, which I caught off the honey monster. And there was also the time I started wearing full-sci lashes and acting like a slut after hanging out with the caramel bunny. These diseases have been around for a long time. So I think we should focus on the true source,

which is zoonotic. I don't know what pangolins do by like what their vibe is. I haven't seen an anthropomorphized pangolin. So I need to know, you know. It's gonna be a hard sell these days, I think, isn't it? You know, the cartoon Pangolin, sir. So... Then we need to rehabilitate the image of the Pangolin at this point.

It was a fairly blameless creature for centuries. I would say, you know, longer than centuries, decades even. LAUGHTER I didn't even know what it... Until the pandemic I'd never even heard of a punk. Is it looks like a little anti-tour? I thought it was a musical instrument in the 16th century. I heard it was on the Y album. I heard they played Pangolin on the Y album. Look it's a very cute animal and I refuse to believe that it is a vector of disease because Disney cartoons have taught me that anything that is bad is also like

Mean-looking bit in a sexy way Angela is not the mean looking nor sexy looking A Brexit food disaster news now and well I mean this could be you know, almost all the divisions caused by Brexit. I mean it's possible that this story could be the one that really sunders the United Kingdom into fragments around the world and finally breaks any hope of a harmonious relationship we have with Europe. Custard cream biscuits have become unavailable in parts of the EU due to Brexit customs regulations. I'm sorry to any Google listeners to whom I'm breaking this news. I'll try and deal with this this very difficult topic as sensitively as we possibly can.

Alice, I mean, you bring an objective view from the Southern Hemisphere and as a published author on the history of British miscutory. Just let us fundamentally British supermarkets that have stores in Europe have had supply problems with goods such as whiskey and custard cream, which are the big two for British expats in Europe, most British expats in Europe live on only whiskey and custard creams. I mean, what are the implications here? Is there any hope? My favourite bit about this was in a daily mail article in which shop assistant called

Tracey Smith was quoted and what she said was, digestive biscuits are missing, popcorn is missing, walkers, shortbreads are missing, oat cakes are missing. She has just described the list of the most blandly anglo, carby, like all of those things are just mildly different textures of exactly the same thing, like everything in Anglo-Cooking other than pie, and that's just the same thing with a squishy middle. It's beige food, we love beige food, Alice. I refuse to believe that anyone can tell the difference between any of these foods. that anyone can tell the difference between any of these foods. This is a really crummy story, Andy. I can't complain about that, I guess. Um, oh snap.

But I'm in that, that is the test of, you know, whether you are true, you know, true Britis, if you can tell the difference between, you know, entirely bland, flavorless biscuits. It's like, it's like princesses sleeping on 50 matches can feel, um can feel a, feel a pee on the bottom.

I can't say the same with British, the can you eat an oat cake? Scones are gone as well. But can we stop pretending we actually give a shit about scones when the real issue is whether you put jam or cream first, and everyone knows it's jam first first otherwise you're a heason. We like arguing about that more, I think, than we enjoy eating the scones themselves.

You can shake your head at me, Christopher, and say that you do cream first. I do, I do. I bloody do. You're a degenerate. I put my own in vertical stripes and then eat the scone sideways. It's a good compromise. There's enough division in this country as it is. The cast had cream now.

It's not just any biscuit. This is the most British of all. It's the bit that suckled King Arthur himself. The nibble wherewiths and George distracted the mighty dragon before slaying it with a chocolate hobnob. It's a sweet crunchy treat that nourished the mighty pictures they fought off the Martian invasion of 93 BC. Not sure if that's public domain yet. It's the snacks and delight. They gave Churchill hope that the war could be won. In the dark days of 1940, an EEA to custard cream, I thought if the two biscuits

involved in a custard cream can sandwich the creamy bits so well, then maybe Germany too could be held in from both the West and the East. So I mean, it is a historic biscuit, not just for Britain for Europe. And now, as a result of Brexit, there's a custard creamless void in the life of the continent. Well, the torture never end. I mean, personally, I hate custard creams, but I want to complain about something. It's my British right to complain about someone in another country not getting something

British, even if I don't like to eat it. It goes beyond biscuits as well. There's been huge issues with the export of shellfish from Britain. One owner of a shellfish shop in Britain has had to close down, said that dealing with new Brexit paperwork and declarations was like, quotes, playing Russian roulette with five bullets in your gun. Which, I don't, it might be five times as exciting. I don't know, I've never really tried it with one bullet in a gun.

I could also have had, rather than, if you're not onto the Russian roulette with five bullets in your gun, you could have also had it was like playing water polo in a tank full of sharks whilst smid in seal-flavored ketchup, like playing snooker in a helicopter during a big hurricane, like playing tonsil tennis with a T-rex, like playing monopoly with Jeff Bezos or Final Auction, it's like playing rugby union. I mean, is that level of confusion in chaos? Did the shellfish come in, given it all that? You won't be able to hear that joke.

That was a very visual joke from Codgol. Yes, yeah. But I mean, if this goes online, that will absolutely smash. There's going to be problems with coccles and winchles and bivalv mollusks. It doesn't sound particularly appetizing when you refer to it as a bivalve mollusk, it would be like referring to like lamb as like a beating heart with some connective tissue surrounded by flesh. Like, because I, I don't eat shellfish. That's just a personal thing because now they make me very sick. I've had to come up with

this new rule for a lot of that kind of mullisky shellfish stuff. Basically, if it's been clinging to a rock in the Mediterranean, don't put it in your mouth, shellfish, Cristiano Ronaldo, whatever. If it's, I can't have them. But cockles and winkles, I used to enjoy it as a show. These all feel like cockney foods to me, so I don't understand how we're getting them.

Like cockles and wincles and jellyfish are like the top three cockney jellyfish. Jelly deals, yeah. Jelly deals. Jellyfish has been put in aspect rather than actual jellyfish. No, did I say jellyfish? Jellydeals. Jellyfish. What, I've got mad.

It's been so long since I've been to a Cockney party because there's been no parties where we have jellyfish. That was Scottish boy friend, explainer Hings, entrance into the world of the Cockney was my Godfather's 75th birthday, and he walked in and went, what is that noise? And I was like, oh, that is the sound of Cockney's slurping jelly deal off the bone. What a delicious, what a delicious, is a snake chopped up and shoved in lube and served at a party while you listen to chasen Dave. It's British delicacy. It is, if we do food so well Alice, I can't believe, I can't believe after everything, after like the knowledge of jelly deals that you would dare say that we like beige food.

I mean, you clearly only like beige food because it's the only thing that isn't actively disgusting. It's the only thing that's supposed to be delicious, I guess. Yeah. In fact, when Paul and I got engaged, we had a picture of Haggis and Jelly Deal as our engagement sort of bringing together both our disgusting foodstuffs. Who says romance is dead So yes in summary it turns out that she sells seashells on the sea shore because she hasn't

Scott the correct spaper work to sell seafood to Spanish restaurants any small Yoga conspiracy theory news now and yoga the I don't know what it is. Well, it's not a sport. So, it looks like it should be a sport. It's a spiritual sport. It could evolve into a sport. It's like, you know, it's like a fish climbing out of sea one day. It will be a fully fledged sport. It's been rocked to its core by conspiracy theories apparently. Yes, these people are not just stretching the bounds of the physical capacity of the human body to bend the, are stretching the bounds of the human imagination to encompass really stupid ideas. Now, I'm not going to suggest that believing in access to spiritual enlightenment via stretching is maybe a precursor

to some sort of gullible willingness to swallow any garbage theory that floats your way. I was brought up Buddhist and I strongly believe the only way to escape from the inevitable suffering cycle of life is to be very aware of your breathing. But A, the science to support my belief and B, these people are very strange. I will say that there is a sort of a type of person who might be drawn to yoga who is willing to swallow a liter of salt water first thing in the morning so they can then uncontrollably cleanse their bowels like that's a good thing and if you're willing to do that you might also swallow some other theories that will inevitably lead to an explosion of shit.

You're swarrying to me guys, I'm a big fan of the yoga. I've been doing yoga with Adrian during lockdown. Actually, Paul and I did a session together and in the middle of one of our yoga sessions, I let with a massive fart. And then two seconds later on screen, Adrian said, just breathe in deep and notice the quality of the air around you. And then we had to stop because I destroyed yoga and everything about it. But it is, it's, a QAnon has found its way into the wellness community. I think is that the, that the kind of news that we're talking about here. They're calling it pastel Q. That's what they're calling it. So the wellness community getting involved with the QAnon.

Well, it's a similar thing because you start with like quite obvious things. Like you don't want to see children getting molested by underground tunnel gangs of powerful billionaires. Like, no one's going to say that they want that. So they've got a little in and equally who doesn't want to be able to walk up a set of stairs with full motion in their knees. You know, you start small and then they build you up to you know trying to breathe through your sphincter like this is I haven't reached I haven't reached sphincter

breathing divana yet but I'm hoping to I'm learning a lot about yoga well a few of the gurus have apparently posted, so they've posted, like, QAnon staff and coronavirus hoax staff, but they're mixing it with wellness. And what you're seeing is someone putting a picture of the sky with, like, coronavirus is a hoax, don't wear a mask. And I just like the idea of conspiracy mixed with vaguely inspirational pictures, you know, like a picture of someone in the lotus position with Hillary's emails just written underneath, in like a really beautiful cursive font, or

a picture of a tree with pizza gate is real written on leaves underneath. And now I've said that, someone is going to do that. Only true love can melt a hard heart, but jet fuel cannot melt steel beams. Unstoppable decay of American democratic heritage news now, and well we have to come to this eventually, but Donald Trump is a free man. He has been unconvicted on a 43-57 minority not guilty verdict and so he's off the hook. I mean, lifted off the hook by his friends, the hook on which he had dived stomach first while screaming, look at me, I'm impaling myself on the hook. Innocent of all choice, it does help when you don't need a majority to convict you and you can talk to the jurors during the case

Oh, he is still so so yeah, that's it. I mean he's still clinging on for dear life as we speak to his spot in the top 50 greatest American Presidents of all-time List and it's been a disappointing sequel a sequel so often are the impeachment to This time it's belated and Ineffective and it was I mean it is a. It's been a very curious thing to follow as an outside spectator. The structures of American democracy that seem just absolutely geared towards failure as many possible levels as they can imagine.

I was watching this trial and I, you know, what's that thing where you know how something's going to turn out? Like you know how it's going to turn out, but you're also surprisingly disappointed when it does turn out that way. Life? Is that it? Oh, yes. I mean, everyone knew that the Republicans were not going to pull the rip-cord on Trump

because the rip-cord here was also the unbillahful chord to the sweet, sweet votes of all the deliciously delusional, sudden successionists come. Is it ironic Nazi cosplayers slash Reddit militia men with a heart on for the idea that the only way to achieve democracy is by violent revolution in America, where that already happened 200 years ago. I don't know, Andy. I'm disappointed because I think I've watched too many mighty ducks movies to not secretly hope the underdog will pull through. And the fact that in this

scenario the underdog is facts and law is deeply depressing. That's not so much an underdog as an underpuppey that's been drowned in a canal at birth. I mean could they at least have pretended that they were doing a trial? I think that's what it was so upsetting to me about it that half of them were so obviously ignoring all of the evidence from the other side and it was just so, you know, Ted Cruz got in trouble for tweeting about breast milk during the impeachment trial. Did you follow that story? Well, it was, yes, he tweeted, or Wellian, the words breast milk are now forbidden because science referring to a story from, as is so often the way with stories such as this,

taken wildly out of context by the anti-woke media from a hospital in in in Brighton that's attempting to introduce trans inclusive language to its maternity services. And well I mean it would be all wellian if it were true but it's not true so it isn't but Ted Cruz was having none of that and I mean it's the latest opening of the culture was but I guess the point was, should he have been tweeting about breast milk whilst ostensibly attempting to be an impartial juror essentially in the trial of his friend? I mean, that might even be peak America that the Ted Cruz breast milk tweet.

A heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes Ted's just got to speak freely. I like the fact that he's sort of attempted to give a shit about women's bodily autonomy with it. That's what his tweet was. You're thinking about Ted Cruz who criticized who's been anti-abortion all along, criticized the vasectomy bill, sort of exposing his hypocrisy on reproductive rights when he was like, ah, government, big enough to give you everything

is big enough to take everything away, literally. And, you know, it was a response, it was kind of almost like a, not a trolling, but it was a response to the, you know, the legislations I think in Georgia, so someone had put forward a bill going, you know, mandatory vasectomies for men over 50. And Ted Cruz got very annoying.

It was like, yeah, imagine the government interfering with your reproductive rights. That must be awful, Ted. I am grateful to Ted Cruz's Tate tweets, because sometimes, Andy, I am just too horny. And where am I? I read a story like this to protect the world from my powerful sexual energy. I mean here is a suggestion for both the NHS and the Ted Cruz for the left and the right. Whoever

what about doctors and midwives just ask people what terms they prefer when they come in with a baby in them. I think those are the people whose business it is and I have a hankering for my particular nutritionizing of a hypothetical infant to be called suck blasting. And I would insist on this, with all of my primary health care providers. Stop bringing common sense into it, Alice.

It's just not welcome. I want suck blasting. If I refuse to call it suck blasting, I will matter quietly to myself and carry on with raising a child, because I'm in the privileged position of not having to give much of a shit. The point is, this is such a non-story that it is good when you need a quick bone of killer.

Well that brings us to the end of this week's Bougal. Thank you very much for listening. There will be a short break before the next bugle is we're shifting back to Friday recording. So the next bug will be at the end of next week recording on Friday the 26th. So it'll be available on Saturday the 27th. Or we have a live show to plug 27th of March at 8pm UK time. It's a ticketed live show. Go to the buglebox.com and click the live button or look for it on the internet. However, to fill that gap between now and the next bugle at the end of next week, there is episode one of The Gargle with Alice Fraser Alice. Tell us about this landmark moment in the history of human

broadcasting. Well, for every satirical political news show there is a show that is also about the news but not about the politics and by for everyone I mean just for this one I think just for the usual this is the Saturday magazine pullout section of the bugle we're going to talk about arts we're going to talk about culture we're going to talk about technology probably dinosaurs who knows but we we're going to talk about technology, probably dinosaurs, who knows? But we're going to have a grand old time, you may see some familiar voices, floating interior halls, or hear them, or whatever, however you perceive voices, and some new ones as well. And are we coming out weekly, starting in this little gap?

Find it on the internet, or wherever you usually get your podcasts, or in the show notes for this apparently, it says says Chris from Technical Term. So there is coming soon to the inside of your skull. Tiffany shows to plug. Yes, I have a show on the 19th, so this Friday for any American listeners because I could have done what Mike Beglier did and put it on in the afternoon in America so that people in the evening could listen to it in London, but that would require pre-planning and I don't have any of that. So it's 6pm, Pacific time, 9pm, Eastern time, on the 19th, tickets are from $10 and I think free for healthcare workers They give a bunch of free tickets away. So please come be please buy some tickets and it's all it's a new hour

I'm working and that's on Friday Great thanks for that. We'll be back at the end of next week in the meantime do listen to the guard The boss.