The Bugle - British Politics Plunged into CHAOS (again)

Episode Date: June 24, 2026

On issue 4384 of The Bugle, Andy is joined by Alice Fraser and Neil Delamere, as the trio jump into this week's news, as UK PM Kier Starmer announces his resignation, is Andy Burnham the future Prime Minister of the UK, AI publishing controversy, and Europe hit by record-breaking heatwave, and tips to keeping cool for it! 🇬🇧 Starmer Resigns: The Bugle catch up on the breaking news of PM Kier Starmer's resignation 🔥 Heatwave: The trio delve into the recent heatwave surging across Europe 🇪🇺 10 year anniversary of Brexit: Andy, Alice and Neil discuss 10 years on from Brexit! Donate to Emilia: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/p/a-safe-accessible-home-for-emiliaAndy's Links: https://www.andyzaltzman.co.uk/Alice Fraser's Links: https://www.patreon.com/AliceFraserNeil Delamere's Links: https://www.neildelamere.com/🎤 Get tickets for the LIVE episode of The Gargle HEREhttps://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/the-gargle-live-fri-26th-jun-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202606261800/🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,384 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world with me, Andy Zaltzman, recording in a shed in South London that, by coincidence, is currently around 4,384 degrees Celsius. It's hot in the shed. It's hot in London. And the shed, and I can't remember if I've mentioned this on the bugle before, has lost two trees worth of shade over the past two or three years. One out the back, if you're watching this

on the video, that way, died in mysterious circumstances. And one forwards of where I'm looking at you from was, was pollarded for fashion reasons, I think, as a result of which, the shed, which was already pretty hot on a hot day is now unbelievably fucking hot on an unbelievably fucking hot day. So, anyway, excuse me if I gradually melt during the course of this recording. June, 2026, and the bugle is now officially preparing for its eighth prime minister. That's a record for any audio newspaper for any visual world, after Kirstarmer gently toppled over onto his inflatable sword this morning. With me to discuss when his almost inevitable successor, Andy Burnham, might resign.

I'm delighted to have two guests who can provide dignified outsiders' perspectives on the Jackson Pollock's power-shitting doggscape that is British politics. Welcome from Dublin, Neil Delamere, and from Australia, but currently also in London. and Alice Fraser. Hello, both of you. Hello, how are you? I'm well hot, Neil. I'm hot. Me and me and heat have long had mutual suspicions about each other.

I mean, I am of the same complexion and I live in a perfectly 21 degrees it is here in Dublin. It is absolutely gorgeous. Just not nice. You can have a little kind of cocktail on your patio and not lose the will to live. It's amazing.

Nobody, no of a spontaneous combustion of ginger people in the street. That's 22 degrees. So far so good. I'm very happy to be here, Andy. I'm feeling very welcomed by both the heat and the political instability. Australia is very fond of demonstrating the capacity of parliamentary democracy to just roll leader after leader through the doors as people lose faith in them. I did have to have a shower before I came on because it wasn't.

quite hot, as people watching the YouTube will attest, my hair is a bit wet. But then, you know, I got into radio so that I could get into TV, didn't I? That's what I want to be looked at while I talk. Fuck you, YouTube. Yes. When we gave this podcast, the tagline audio newspaper for a visual world, we didn't realize that podcasts would become video. But that is apparently programming. Anyway, we are recording, as I said, on the 22nd of June. Tomorrow, the 23rd of June is the 10th anniversary of the Brexit referendum. What a time.

It will be marked, of course, with the ceremonial national belch, led by His Majesty the King, of course, who will deliver the royal burp of recrimination from the balcony at Buckingham Palace at 10pm tomorrow, as we record the moment, the polls closed back in 2016. The Earl of Snutterbridge, the King's fourth and a half cousin, of course, an official Lord Hybera of the Grudge Royal will then whack himself on the head with a frying pan,

originally belonging to King Edward II, of course, in a symbolic recreation of the national self-damagement be perpetrated ten years ago. A day of official national grumbling will follow on Wednesday the 24th, with all citizens given an extra hour off at lunch to sit and gripe about stuff to anyone who will listen or themselves, followed at the weekend by a moving ceremony in which 100 randomly selected British people under the age of 28,

who were too young to vote on the issue that is shaping, being their lives and futures, will be giggled at by 100 randomly selected terminally ill non-aginarians. The kind of ritual that only Britain can truly pull off. Oh, well done, Andy, for perpetrated, especially after you've just done burpurtrated for the burping. Ten years. Ten years. Can you believe it's ten years? Ten years since, or as I like to think of it, ten years since I made my debut on Test Match Special, which was the morning after the Brexit vote. I did my first cricket commentary on Test Match Special England, Miss Sri Lanka in Birmingham at Edgebaston Cricket Ground.

And that was a weird, there was a weird atmosphere. As meaningless one-day internationals go, it holds a special place in my heart as my first day on the radio. It's usually harder to pinpoint the literal point in history of the downfall of a major European nation. But it seems to be you and prices. I mean, are we saying 50% one, 50% to the other, or are you attributing more to a Brexit? Well, look, given that, you know, I work in statistics, I'd say it's more, I don't know, I don't know,

I don't know, 60, 70, maybe, 6070, I'd say. Okay. Well, I'm very disappointed from the perspective of an Australian about the outcomes of Brexit. We were basically promised that post-Brexit, the Commonwealth, wealth would reunite. There'd be boarding lines cast between Australia and the UK would be winched slowly closer to us until we reformed some sort of Nouveau-Pangea kind of novelty

continent somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. And that has been a real letdown as far as I go. Yeah, there's been swings and roundabouts for the Irish too as well. You'd have to kind of, for every worry about the hardening of the border between the Republic and Northern Ireland for even, you know, that maybe the troubles would kick off again. That is on the negative side. It was 10 years of anxiety

and worry, but on the positive side, watching British people queue to get into the EU and you welcome by them very quickly with your EU passport in Malikamagaloof. I mean, oh, they're very tight. I mean, I would take one. I would take one of a half to have the other, to be

honest. We do have to remember the spirit in which those promises pre-Brexit were made very much in the same kind of promises that I guess Colonel Sanders would make on a date with a chicken impersonator. Not entirely to be trusted long term, I would say. Spicy. Well, the Brexit memorial anniversary is also the subjects of our section in the bin this week. We have a commemorative supplement examining all the ways in which Brexit has improved the United Kingdom. Here it comes. There, did you hear it? Anyway, that is in the bin.

I thought commemorative supplement was what you called fish oil passed its used by date. Or indeed snake oil past its used by date on this 10th anniversary of the Brexit reference. Top story this week. Kirstarmer has resigned. Just this morning, as we record, Kier Stama announced that he will be stepping down as Prime Minister

this following England's chaotic defeat to New Zealand and the test cricket at the Oval over the prehist. past five days. That was clearly the final straw that snapped the overburdened camels back, and Stama has, uh, quat 10 years minus one day since the Brexit referendum. Um, why, uh, why has he stepped down as Prime Minister? Well, because it's 2026. And if we don't have change, churn, chaos and content, how do we know we're still alive? Um, but this is where we are. Two years into a five year term with a massive majority. He's basically quit because people wanted him to quit. And that's it. That's the only, that's basically the, the, the, that's basically the, the,

So the age of shit for brain political impatience has claimed another victim, albeit a victim who didn't do a great deal to slake the ravening change lust of the nation and its media, or to reverse is governmental Titanic back up from the seabed. As I said, neutral observers, what have you made of this? This is tremendous. It looks like the UK is going to have its seventh prime minister in 10 years. That is not a parliamentary democracy. That is the sugar babes, that's what that.

And the paper said, yeah, Yesterday, Keir is going to outline his flight plan for departure. I don't know who's been doing his flight plans up to now, but I think he should move away from the John Denver, JFK Jr. travel agency, to be perfectly honest with you. Most sources have said that nobody's going to stand against Burnham. Because that's what you want, isn't it? If there's one thing we've learned from the Democrats in the US, that's what you want.

You just want an unopposed coronation. What could possibly go wrong with that? You know what a long, drawn-out process where policies, are actually tested through the rigors of debate. No, vibes. Go with the vibes, guys. That's what you want? What could possibly be wrong with that? So it looks like he's going to be unopposed. Wes Streeting has nobly ruled himself out of a contest he couldn't win,

which I think is to be admired. Do you remember not Time Islandie? You ruled yourself out with the 2007 Mobo Awards, and everybody gave you a round of applause for doing it. It's a similar thing. This is kind of dramatic news. It doesn't need more drama, and yet the BBC,

Still got up in a helicopter and followed Andy Burlham's train from Manchester. Like he was OJ Simpson in a Ford Bronco. You're like, laughs, you're expecting like, oh, the LAPD have closed all the freeway, either junctions or something. Instead you're getting, oh, he's been delayed and on eating. And this isn't as dramatic as we thought it was going to be. This is exceptional viewing half to say. Look, Andy, I'm just disappointed in Stama.

If I had quit every time everyone who'd ever met me wanted me to quit, I wouldn't be a comedian today. I was actually, I wrote jokes about Stama not quitting because last night, The Guardian said yesterday that he wouldn't quit on Monday and he has, which, I mean, it's so much more mature than I would be in the circumstances of having a newspaper of notes say I would bet I would quit on Monday. I would definitely quit on Tuesday or fucking never,

unless he's pretending that he doesn't read The Guardian, which is impressive. Like, that's even more petty than I would be in the circumstances. If he's like being like, I didn't even know the Guardian had written, I would, yeah, good. I applaud him for that. Also, I note that, yes, spite-based politics might be considered a vastly immature approach to a decision that could change the course of the world. But I'm pretty sure, fuck the Guardian is why Trump is in power. And that's not even a US paper.

Or is it, I don't know. Everything's about three mergers away from being owned by anthropomorphic. a giant company with the face of a man. By the way, Stammer is gone. As of the recording time, Stammer is gone. Burnham has a chance to do the funniest thing ever and just go, oh no, I'm not standing to be PM. Oh, no, no, I'm just, I'm going to be the MP for Makerfield.

I'm sorry if there's any sort of mixed signals there. I just want to do the job I was elected to do. I didn't know it would be the funniest thing I had ever seen in UK politics. It would be amazing. Look, because, I mean, he does seem to be the Great White Hope because Andy Burnham won in McEfield for Labour, but Labour lost out both by elections in Scotland. And so it was Burnham who won.

All his posters said, Andy for us, and then Labour in a font reserved for the lowest line of a Speck Severus visual eye exam. So it would seem that all Labour have to do to win the next general election is to run Andy Burnham in $600. and 50 constituencies. And then they're a fine.

But it would still be funny if he rule himself out. I mean, he is the hairstyle apparent off the back of a very good run as mayor of Manchester making the bins run on time. I, for one, am running a boutique artisanal betting book on what form his fall from Grace will take. How long? Well, look, I mean, the way I see it,

and I speak as one of the rapidly decreasing proportion of the British population who haven't ever been Prime Minister, it's that inevitable failure has been constitutionally baked into our system. We have a media that is addicted to, A, content and B, more importantly, discontent. We have a febrile panic in any political party about what opinion polls might theoretically mean in three or four years time, or even 10 years time or 50 years time, and therefore need to be acted on within a millisecond. We have the rise of the unaccountable political gobshite and an entire system, specifically, structured to facilitate antagonism

rather than cooperation. Result, as you said, Neil, a seventh prime minister in ten years will be in Downing Street and fighting for his job as soon as the end of next month. I think that's the next Transformers, Finn, isn't it? The rise of the unaccountable political gobshites.

Should we question his judgment? Because I think not enough has been made of Burnham's judgment because did you see the Makerfield announcement? I think as 12 or 14 candidates are running and he ends up standing

with a candidate in all his pictures with a candidate who's trying to start hunting on one side and count bin face on the other side you have vastly underestimated the vulpine scavenging drive if you've chosen to stand between a fox and a bin

like what is next standing between seagulls and chips Farage and Crypto? This is the man's judgment needs to be question. That's a very, very sound, I should point out, it is pronounced binface, not bin face. Sorry, sorry. I always get that wrong.

Italian mobility. Is he Count Binface or is he Lord Binface? If he's Count Binface, that explains why the fox isn't attacking. While the fox is a natural predator of the bin, the count is a natural predator of the fox. As an aristocrat. They're completely lucked forever. Detente for predators. On the subjects of political gobshites,

the political gobshites, political gobshite himself, Donald Trump, took a few moments out from his busy schedule of presiding over the demolition of America and everything it once thought it stood for to claim that Stama's fall was down to rising immigration and crime, which have both been falling under Stama. So we bang on the banana, as always, Trump. The curious thing is that Stama hasn't broken any major rules.

He hasn't caused an economic meltdown. He hasn't lost a referendum. He hasn't started a war. He hasn't run around Westminster with his trousers around his ankle saying a homage to Sergeant sausage. But he just isn't popular. I forget which Prime Minister it was that did that and had to quit. But he just isn't popular right now.

And that's more than enough for the Parliamentary Labour Party to demand the change of leader and some clean underpants. And so Burnham looks set to be Prime Minister. the Macofield by-election last week, he managed to thrash the squabbling far-right threat of reform UK and restore Britain, who's pledged to deport everyone who can't prove a direct bloodlineage to before the ancient Romans swaned over here

and started ruining the place, did not entirely resonate with voters. So I guess that's a positive for the nation at this time of churn. Alice, in terms of what form the challenge to his leadership might take and how soon it would happen, he could be Prime Minister, as I said, basically within a month. So do you think by August he'll be clinging on desperately or maybe are we looking at sort of early September? Well, I mean, it really does depend on Wi-Fi speed, Andy.

That's if he's got any sense of self-preservation, he'll start shooting Elon Musk's satellites out of low orbit and trying to shut down communication channels like the Iranian government. If he wants to keep his hold on power, just have as little communication as possible. not taking any questions at this time, board up the front windows of 10 Downing Street. Your real challenge as a politician now is doing or saying anything or also not doing or saying anything. Well, that's sort of Burnham's strength, is that he's different in that he is physically a different person

with a different name. And that's enough. That's enough for now. You know, in terms of who could challenge him and when that challenge would materialise, it's possible he could end up running against himself, I think, in a sort of dream ticket with like a cardboard cutout of Kirsta. It's so hard to follow exactly what the Labour Party wants. The danger is if he runs against himself, he may well split the vote.

So that is something that we need to look out for. Now, I don't know how long the transition period will be between him coming in, you know, it depends on whether he's unopposed or not. and far be it for me to suggest that the left might make the same mistakes over and over again but the rumours are that they are going to wait till September

to put Burnham in place because they need to find a job for Peter Mandelson so that is very exciting then the question of whether Burnham would call a general election because not only was he not leader of the Labour Party at the last general election

just two years ago but he wasn't even an MP at that point now obviously he should call a general election and equally, obviously, he shouldn't call a general election. And even more, obviously, if he does or doesn't, it will definitely be the wrong decision. But such is politics. I mean, what does he, in terms of his policies, who gives a shit? Crap, why that can wait.

So that's, you know, this is, you know, it's a, he's got a sort of blank canvas, I guess, to splatter himself over. And where, you know, where did it go wrong for Kirstama, apart from everywhere and being the wrong person at the wrong time, the time being any time in the last and probably next 20 years and the wrong person being anyone. Obviously change for the sake of change never works and people who go for it generally complete f***ing idiots, but it's increasingly popular these days. So we'll just have to see how it pans out over the next, well, between one month and I don't know, 500 years if it all goes well. America news now and well a quick update on the peace deal with Iran that Donald Trump has facilitated

because it wouldn't have been possible without him starting the war in the first place and then conducting it with an almost heroic level of improvised incompetence so we've got to give him a lot of credit for making this peace deal come about it seems set to ensure that the oil can start flowing once again which is what this was all about because it wasn't flowing before at all was it There was no oil coming through the state of Hormuz, up until the war, I forget. I forget the detail, look, details, schmeetails. The deal seems set to ensure that the brutalities of Iran's regime can carry on uninterrupted, seem sure to ensure that the brutalities of the Iranian regime can carry on uninterrupted and that no one is better off than they were before, apart from some oil market speculators, who will have made an absolute f***ing mint out of the whole process. So there's always some winners amidst the gloom. How excited are you both about this new era of global harmony? Well, Andy, it's an interesting sort of political thing that Trump is saying that he's ended the war

after starting it and then ending it and then starting it and then ending it and then saying they started it and then saying that he'd ended it. A CBS poll said that 92% of Americans wanted the conflict to end as quickly as possible with the other 8% presumably entirely made up of arms dealers and the anthropomorphies the skeleton of death and the ghost of Henry Kissinger. Civilians in Iran, who probably ought to be at least moderately represented in our discussion of these events, they've been expressing fear, grief, anger at the ongoing conflict. Some who had originally opposed the Islamic regime and were quite excited about regime change

are condemning the prolonged violent nature of the war and the failure to sort of wrap things up and actually change the regime despite murdering a bunch of nasty theocrats to meaningfully have failed to change the fact that the civilian population is still under the boot of religious maniacs putting the Theo crazy into theocracy. Now, of course, on the bright side, the country has more holes in things like infrastructure and people. It's like you brought in some people to deal with your mouse infestation, and then they machine guns the drywall, killed a bunch of mice and also some of your family, and now they're like, well, we got rid of the old mice, also ignoring the new mice,

and now those new mice have more doors and they also, the new mice, own the front door of the apartment block, which they can shut down at any time thereby putting a chokehold on international trade. Look, the metaphor broke down. quicker than a ceasefire in the region, but you get the drift of my point.

They had the painstakingly negotiated JCPOA, which Trump ripped up because it was an Obama deal. So they had a very, very good deal, and then they went through all this insanity and chaos and are going to end up. end up with a slightly worse deal than they had before. So in unrelated news, I see a majority of the UK voters would like to rejoin the EU. But that is completely unrelated to what we're talking about at the moment.

This war is going to lead to proliferation of nukes. A lot of people are saying this, a lot of diplomats are saying this, because North Korea was not attacked and they have nukes, and Iran doesn't have nukes, and they were attacked. So other countries will want nuclear weapons. And Ireland hasn't bought any centrifuges yet. but we have put a microwave in a turntable and that's how it starts.

I think that's phase two. Banana tied to a swing ball set, microwave with a record player, extra machine and lazy Susan. And then the next thing you know, you're looking at a mushroom cloud, muttering, I am Shiva,

God of death. That is roughly how it works, I believe. It's so odd where we are now because we have JD Vance using diplomatic language saying, yesterday we can change the nature

of our relationship with the people of Iran. And then Trump going, I will hit you hard when I never. This has never happened before. Imagine trying to negotiate a deal, right? And then this utter lunacy is just shouting into the abyss. Imagine Deborah Mead is on Dragon's Den, like setting the terms of investing in some startup company,

delicately offering and then countering and then slowly meeting and setting conditions bit by bit. And then Peter Jones just stands up and goes, you bad man, be bang, bang, if no sign deal. that's what this feels like. It does come across as one of the most inevitable failures in the proud human history of inevitable failures. Trump said last week that oil reserves could run out within four weeks, hence the pressing need for this deal.

And that fact, the oil reserves could run out quite quickly if oil stopped flowing was never known until seconds before Trump announced it last week. So you can understand that there was some uncertainty about it. If only there were other sources of fuel that we could have been adapting our world to use for the last few decades, that we weren't quite so dependent on the oil. Well, we might not be in this mess. But sadly, there simply were not. But this deal has not gone down well, even with Trump's fans, Rod Dreher, a conservative writer who is apparently close to J.D. Vance, described it as a humiliation of immense strategic and historical consequence, which I think I had as a one-star review for one of my Edinburgh shows. I was at that show

You were reviewing it I think one Fox News gobshite Ben Dominic said that everything about the agreement seems bad Republican Senator but that's everything Bill Cassidy

Republican Senator said this is the worst foreign policy blunder in decades and that is a hotly contested title that's you know that's Federer Nadal Djokovic times times 10

it's Ted Cruz, Republican Senator, what has been released so far, suggests that unfortunately the president is getting, I think, very poor advice. Now, look, I don't know who is giving Donald Trump advice other than himself, but the internal advice he's getting generally a little flawed.

And Cruz continued, history teaches us that giving billions of dollars to theocratic lunatics who want to murder us is a bad idea. Now, Ted and America in general, I don't think you needed history to tell you that. I think you could have worked that one out for yourselves. And also, Republican Senator Tom Cotton from Arkansas, who chairs the Senate Intelligence Committee, said certain aspects of this deal are a step in the wrong direction. And when you're standing on a cliff edge, as we keep being told we are, a step in the wrong direction can have very serious implications for the rest of your picnic.

So in summary, it might not all be quite as over as would be ideal. Does anybody know what's going on? Because the Iranian delegation is on one side, right? And then you got Wickcoff, Kushner, advanced, and they're all fellas. And Iran is going, the waterway is closed, nothing is getting through. And the US is saying that the waterway is open and some stuff is getting through. This is why men cannot be trusted by contraception. This is why we should not be allowed anywhere near this.

We are fundamentally untrustworthy. what is I think it was really odd when you read over last kind of six or eight weeks is that the Iranian war like we live in a world right of sophisticated drone technology cyber attacks

hybrid warfare and the Iranians won I say in the verdict comments by controlling a trade route like this is some medieval shit this is like taking the high ground it's like having bigger horses It's like you in the US Army

targeted at an Iranian compound but they couldn't get the tanks in because the IRCG dug a big hole around it and filled it with water. It's kind of mad. It's really old school. It's like it's ancient. Actually, not even medieval.

It's ancient warfare, you know. If after the UFC a fight on the lawn of the White House that there was a massive wooden horse left, you wouldn't be a hundred percent surprised, which is it? Well, it does seem to be a deal that gives the Iranian regime loads of money,

loads of leverage and loads of wiggle room to keep suppressing their own people. It doesn't please those who want a genuine peace or indeed those who want to keep bombing the shit out of everything until stars and stripes flags sprout up spontaneously from the smouldering wreckage like in the good old days of American greatness. So the question is, did the war achieve any of Donald Trump's objectives? I guess the answer to that is yes and no,

or more accurately, no and no. And it depends if you count things that Trump wanted to happen as objectives or as temporary neural impulses in a diseased brain. And also if one of those objectives was to reassure Iran that it can switch on the global havoc tap whenever it wants with a cheeky bit of haremuzing. So, yes, we will see. That wasn't the only issue facing Donald Trump this week.

He's had a bit of a problem with a pond, his special pond in Washington, D.C. The reflecting pool in Washington, D.C. He's had a $14 million makeover. and it hasn't worked. It's been blighted by algae, vandalism, according to Trump. But basically, water is heckling Trump. And when you're being heckled by one of the world's most popular compounds,

it might be time to think about whether you're really in the right job. It's not gone well. I mean, I know both of you are massive fans of 600-meter-long ponds. so it's obviously been quite a traumatic time for you. Yeah, I love a bit of wet thinking, Andy, just reflecting on a pond. I think it's doing a great job taking on the burden of being a physical manifestation of the metaphor, whereby it reflects the opinions of the viewer back at itself, people on both sides of politics treating the growth of algae as a political referendum

on the success of the national government, or saying actually it was sabotaged by the previous government and is a reflection on the previous government. All of this kind of speculation on the nature of algae in a pond speaks to me of a disenfranchisement so deep it can only be undone by a revolution of sentient frogs or some other species that don't have iPhones or podcasters. I don't know how they're going to fix it, Andy.

Maybe fill it in and build a deck and have a barbecue on it. Rewild the reflecting pool. I think this puts to bed the idea that Trump is a narcissist because the last thing narcissists would do would be to destroy a pool in which you can see his own reflection. It's so weird. I think the weirdest element of the whole story. Well, first of all,

a democratic lawmakers raise concerns about awarding $1.7 million, no bid contract to Greenwater Services for installing an upgraded filter system. It's called green oil services. What did you think was going to happen? If the pool was called algae supply limbed, alarm bells

would have run. That's not the weirdest bit. The weirdest bit is just how needlessly aggressive the department of the interior were. What they did you see the tweet that they put out? They said, the reflective pool of water is crystal clear now and our National Park Service team is now

vacuuming up the dead algae resting on the bottom of some parts of the reflecting pool, just like to destroy the Iranian Navy resting on the bottom of the Persian Gulf dudes. Like, your main job is to stop Yogi Bear getting piccanic baskets. Will you relax with the Iranian Navy stuff?

Heatwave update. And well, the update from the shed is really hot. If you're watching the video of this, you can see that I have a fan next to me. Unfortunately, for the purposes of audio quality on this recording, I can't have the fan on. But it's nice to have it there, just as a little symbol of what the worst of all worlds.

What could have been? That is here's what you could have won on Bullseye. That's what that is. Yeah. It's getting hot in here. So take up all your clothes. And then don't buy new clothes. That's what caused the problem.

Clothes in that song are a metonym for human-induced climate change, which is a side effect. If Andy does take off all his clothes on a specialist platform, but isn't allowed turn that thing on. Is it really called only fans? I mean, it's always so surreal being in Europe in a heat wave because, I mean, England, etc. You're not psychologically equipped.

In the UK particularly as a culture, you're not suited to it. Everything here is built like it might need to fit into the inside of a ship or a hobbit hole on short notice. Your houses are designed to be warm, stinky, comforting hutches or a castle. There's no middle ground. none of it has aircon. The places that have aircon, the aircon doesn't work, and the places where the aircon works are so crowded

with people desperate for a sniff of cool air that it's like sliding into a hot tub on what you didn't realize was fuck night at the local pool. 20 times. Yes. It is going to be the hottest June since Whitfield. Wow. It's somewhere, I mean, it's going to be somewhere between Carter and Whitfield,

and I think it's going to be closer to Whitfield. think art or to be honest because every time you turn on the BBC and the weather map looks like a Eurofen box like you're in absolutely trouble it's just reds and yellows and it's like it's 42 degrees in France that's just not right

and it is clear if I can be serious for a second it's clear to anyone who looks at the records anyone who studies the computer modelling who analyzes the data in using any sort of meaningfully technocratic method that the old gods are angry They are angry

and we need to start human sacrifices immediately. We need to start firing babies and virgins into the sun forthwith. Now, I know what you're thinking. Surely babies are virgins, Neil. It's not for me to decide that gods are always oddly specific

about this and the stuff. But until we have infants and incels loaded into it with trebache this is going to continue. My temperature limit, by the way, is windows related. I figure this out. the other day. There are temperatures

where to cool down, you open the window and I can handle open the window temperatures and then it gets so hot that the advice is to close the windows. That's too hot of me. That's way too hot. If you can make a pot and noodle just using the normal tap water from the top, it's too hot.

And the people who don't accept man-made contribution to climate change, I always wonder how hot is it going to have to get for the hell to start believing the science? These people, like some of these people in the Reform Party who you see, like nothing is going to change their mind. It's going to be 40 degrees in January.

The queries of gardeners question time will only be cactus-based. Menopausal women will be exploding in the street. The king will be crowned with a sombrero. And they'll still be going. The earth goes in cycles. It goes on cycles. We have to adapt. I, for one, will be having a pint of the dog and salamander

and putting a few quid on the axolotter racing from chepstom. It's getting too long. Neil, it's just a fact that, I mean, it might be 44 degrees in Europe, might be 35 degrees in London later in the week. I'm going to watch the Wimbledon qualifying tomorrow. There was official advice saying, drink water often, avoid all strenuous exertion and stay out of direct sun. So I don't know if it's okay to watch other people strenuously exerting themselves

in direct sun when they shouldn't be. I don't know. I guess I'll find that when I get there. But it's just bad luck that once in a lifetime heat waves keep happening all the time and everywhere. But the fact is that the lifetime used as the guide for measuring once-in-a-lifetime events has been changed from the human lifetime to that of a hedgehog living near a motorway. So it's very different.

It's basically still factually accurate once-in-a-lifetime. Yeah, it's about to be the lifetime of a British politician. Yeah, you used to have a heat wave every time you changed prime minister, whereas now you have a heat with every time you change prime minister. So in this increasingly toasty world we have official bugle tips for keeping cool. Tip one, hats, a broad-brimmed hat can reduce your head temperature by up to two degrees.

So if you build an all-over body suit made out of 12 sombreros, that will reduce your temperature by 24 degrees. Tip two, use an 18th century style hand fan, which not only helps you feel cooler, but also makes people think you're from a Jane Austen novel and feeling horny. Tip three, keep things in perspective. Remember that it might feel hot.

Larsa. Remember, keep things in perspective. It might feel hot to you, but thank you're lucky stars that you're not, well, not closer to one of your lucky stars. Stars burn an average temperature of up to 50 million degrees.

Or, for example, that you're not a potato being baked in the oven for dinner. Or you're not that dude from Pompey who got pyroclastic to shit whilst taking a dump. Tip four, Live in an igloo. Replace all the bricks or other solid building materials in your home with blocks of ice.

Igloos never melt, if you make them correctly. Tip five, stay calm. Angry people are up to five degrees hotter than the average non-furious person. So I don't think about all the stuff that makes you angry. For example, most things, including hydration breaks at World Cups, the state of the planet and putting socks on slightly wet feet after a shower. Just don't think about those things and you'll be fine. Tip six, become a pope.

The special hat you get as a freebie when you become pope contains special materials that not only direct your thoughts directly to God, but also reflect heat back into the atmosphere. Some popes also keep a frozen cabbage under their hats for added coolers on a hot day. Step, tip eight, is it eight or seven? Anyway, tip seven or eight. Blood transfusions.

Lizards are cold-blooded animals, so replacing up to half of your blood with lizard blood from a local iguana sanctuary or newt infestation could make you feel up to 12% cooler on a hot day. Those are your bugle, or move to Antarctica or space. Bose, that's it.

AI publishing. News now. Alice, you are the Bugle's official AI and publishing correspondent and, well, the world of publishing has been rocked by another AI controversy. Bring us up to date. Yes, Andy. So this is the

aftershock, shockwave of the shockwave that was shocked through the literary world after it was speculated quite heavily that Granta had given its Commonwealth short story prize to an AI written piece, which had very unusual turns of phrase. and sort of eerily familiar use of what are seen nowadays as AI tells.

Granta magazine said that they've been satisfied by the author that the story wasn't written by AI, but they did not explain the proof that satisfied them. They've decided to reduce the opportunity for criticism of their prizes by ceasing to have as a part of the prize, the publication of the prize-winning stories. So it's just like, we think it's good, but no one will ever see it. I, for one, I'm so glad that the existence of AI and accusations of AI

used driven by the fear that the existence of AI will reduce opportunities for real writers seeking to be published and making a living out of the arts has led to fewer opportunities for real writers to be published in the arts. What a treat. Apparently, critics have highlighted phrases such as, Sun on Galvanise is a cruel instrument

and she had the kind of walking that made benches become men. So, I mean, you can see why, I mean, we're in favour of, you know, A bit of mystery and a bit of magic in writing and, you know, layers of meaning, layers of metaphor. But that maybe seems to be taken it a few steps too far. Let's she who has not turned benches into men cast the first stone on that one, Andy. I don't know about you.

I'm consistently making inanimate furniture to turn into presumably erect gentle persons. Well, I mean, I guess there is a bit of history from it because, of course, the word wench was half woman, half bench. in the past. I heard it. I heard it. I heard it on my sister's podcast. Well, I roll a story about an Ottoman becoming an Ottoman, but I'm disappointed about it now. Another entry by alleged Canadian celebrity novelist Fluorescencia Parvijar, also attracted skepticism. I've got an excerpt from it now suggesting that maybe it might not have been written entirely by human hand. Derek the 34th woke one morning like a desk betwixt a summer's day and three chickens crossing a volcano

of destiny. After breakfast they went to bed at night before the festoon Christmas tree could bark no more. Frantically dead once more, the six-foot-two-inch professional budgerigar or sandwich with a testosterone-fueled waltz began to furnish the five remaining burgers with womanly attractiveness and boiled shoes. The final score was one-all, but all the horses wept because of the weeping horses. Elizabeth II dived offside into a bikini and no one lived happily ever after. The end. I would 100% read the rest of that. That is the best thing I'm into it. I'm into it.

Can we stand a bugle cup here for you to finish that novel? That is absolutely exceptional. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle. And I will admit, I am drenched. Drenched in, I'm not naturally a particularly sweaty person, but I am currently, I think I'm about three-quarter of the, away to de-evoluting back into a fish. That is how wet.

I think I've just noticed, I've got some gills. I've gills on one of my arms. That would not even weather supposed to be. That's how hot it is in the shed. Anyway, anything to plug, Alice. Yes, indeed, Andy. We have a gargle. Friday, live, a live gargle at the Bill Murray in Angel.

It's going to be so much fun. It'll be a live gargle. The guests will be Tom Neenan and Alison Spargle. Biddle batteries may be licked. We've got a live gargle with skericks and moments of realms unknown, followed by signing of a Passion for Passion. If you would like, I will draw some Fabio's for people who are interested in the little drawing of a fabio.

It's going to be a lot of fun. Tickets are available at the buglepodcast.com slash live, I think. And Edinburgh? Edinburgh. I'll be in Edinburgh at 840 at the Tron. I've got a bunch of other gigs coming up in the UK. If you are in the UK, I've also got a gig in Copenhagen, the 31st of July, I think tickets are going up for that in the next few days.

If you head over to patreon.com slash alice Fraser, I do a weekly update telling you where I'm going to be right behind you in the dafts. So patreon.com slash alicephraise. You can subscribe there for free. Please do. It's where my mailing list goes out. Neil? I've just gotten a lead part in a new film called The Unaccountable Rise of the Political Gob Shite. I was never you said earlier on. It's very exciting. I'm doing a UK tour of about kind of 25 dates. So I'm doing Pocklington Art Centre on July the 30th. And the day after that leads a city variety. So very excited about that.

And then the dates in the autumn, in the Lyceum Theatre in Edinburgh, and Cardiff Glee Club and Manchester Frog and Bucket, London Lesser Square Theatre, all over the place, old rep theatre, which we did with the bugle before. They're all on neel delamere.com. And I'm doing a podcast still called, why would you tell me that where we talk to each other about random facts that we love?

So download that wherever you get your podcast. Well, consider yourselves plugged. Buglers, you can hear me banging on about cricket again from Nottingham from Thursday morning. Consider yourself plugged is the laziest pornography. It's what you shout out when you've pegged somebody. Family show. That might be the latest I've ever had to say family show in a show involving Alice Fraser.

I will be I will be back banging on about cricket from Thursday until Monday. We're having a week off the bugle. Next week we'll put out a sub-episode and then we'll be back in July to trace the inevitable downfall

of Andy Burnham, our impending Prime Minister. Until then, thank you for listening. Goodbye.