The Bugle - British Pork Is Now Kosher (4207)

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

With global supply line issues seemingly hitting Britain worse than than other countries, we look at the plight of pigs. Plus, what's an appropriate prize for female chess champion?Come see us live at Leicester Square Odeon, in London, on 13th November.We are funded entirely by you, the listener. Listeners who sign up via OUR NEW WEBSITE thebuglepodcast.com have long enjoyed the opportunity to get: mentions on the show (in the form of lies), merchandise and general sense of wellbeing for supporting this fine work of art. As of this week you can also support the show directly via Apple Podcasts. Our new channel ‘Team Bugle’ also includes The Gargle and Tiny Revolutions, shows which currently carry ads - but they will be completely ad free on this channel. So if you love The Bugle, and it’s siblings, then please support The Bugle via our website or Apple Podcasts where you can subscribe today.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW). Listen to The Gargle here: https://pod.link/GargleFollow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserJames NokiseAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Dancilla Guard Reader. Don't forget there is a live bugle show in London on the 13th of November at the Odian in Leicester Square, which I think means that it'll be, you know, a Gala Black Tie event

with the Stars of Stationscreen and royalty. They all come if they all confirmed the Royal family. I think they tend to reply quite like all that. Come dressed as the cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and really confuse everyone. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers and welcome to issue 4207 of the Bugle, the very special 501st full episode of this podcast we are recording on the 4th of October 2021 We slightly forgot about the 500th episode last week due to having skipped well 3700 episodes in between 294 and 4,000 and one

But anyway, this is it. So we're celebrating it this week. The 501st La Riversary of the Bugle in honor of Brian Lara's highest first-class score in cricket, a far more significant number than 500. But we have now done more than a half a thousand full episodes of this show. And if you told me 50 years ago that I would be hosting a podcast that was doing its 501st episode I wouldn't have believed you I mean I was still just over 3 years away from being born aside from anything else and so I was still in the government secret refrigerated laboratory where they stalk British embryoids before deciding once we're British woman we then have to pretend to be pregnant before supposedly giving birth to a Brit I mean

it's not the most outlandish conspiracy theory you've heard reading the book but no I'm living testament to it being true. But the point is over half a thousand episodes of this show not including some episodes. That means there's only 49,499 to go before we wrap it up with the 50,000th episode spectacular in the year. Let me just work this out. Ran about 3260. I think we're probably on high ages here and there for various reasons, but I reckon we'll keep churning them out around 40 a year, unless they change the lengths of years or weeks or maybe Britain will go back to some kind of lunar calendar as part of the inevitable post-Brexit re-adjustment phase. Half a thousand episodes, that is around about 300 hours of pure unadulterated part truth, splurded into this universe of doubt.

And if you were to transcribe every single episode of the bugle in the style of an illuminated medieval manuscript, it would take you at a rough estimate, depending on how fancy you got with the opening letters of each paragraph, and I'm just making it up now, 38 years and four months. That's working eight hour days with 20 days holiday yet. Now, if anyone is interested in that job, do drop us an email, but you're going to have to be cheaper than buying a printer and some knockoff and bring your own coils. Joining me for this momentous occasion, from the other side of the world, firstly, the now very, very nearly 100% pregnant Alice Fraser. Welcome Alice. Well, what's the current stat in terms of percentage?

I don't think it's too much to say that I am now. What the technical boffins down at the lab would call massively pregnant. I was like to put it in a more numerical term. So we'll go with I was like to put it in a more numerical term. So we'll go with 99.94% pregnant at the good Australian number. Also, they're joining us to keep the number of people currently harboring another person inside them to acceptable levels, currently residing in Perth, Australia. It's James Nukise. Hello, James. I am pregnant with joy. The best form of my when I've always found that with joy as well. It takes me nine months to get really happy about anything minimum. So and and how's how's a Perth? Treating as Perth has had sort of caught a sort of strict lockdown hasn't it? And

you know no one going in and out of Western Australia. Yeah, I mean, we've had a strict lockdown and that we've just locked down the entire state as one house and then no one's allowed in or out. I'm very wary of saying this to anyone else who's in Australia, especially someone like Alice who's been in Sydney. Normally I just go, it's okay. And make sure I always film indoors.

That's the key Andy in these situations. Make sure the camera is indoors. Well, I mean, this is really a good thing for Western Australia and Differqueen's Land, which is similarly having closed as borders, not at all locked down because those two states that really want to secede the most from Australia in that way of thinking themselves, both more Australian and less Australian than the rest of Australia. Yes, wonderful. I feel like I've been here long enough and Alice might be able to concur.

The reason they lock down Western Australia is basically because no one trusted Western Australians to stay in their house. Like these these cashed out bogans are too loose mate. Well, of course, the UK seceded from Australia. It was in 1900, I think that we were through some sort of common. There's still a place on the Federation's papers for New Zealand to sign on if you want. I think we're taking Western Australia, I think that's what happens. Sandwich maneuver, I like it. We are recording. On the 4th of October 2021, today is International Awareness Day, a

Awareness Day to raise people's awareness of all the awareness days that we need to be aware of. We should also port a remember on this day, the several million krill that died 25 years ago today due to all the whales being hungry. A special section this week in the bin is the 501 section, the Bugle Lara Versailles. Now Brian Lara broke the record for the highest individual score in first class cricket. 501, not out in 1994 playing for Warwickshire against Durham. 13 years later, Brian Lara retired from international cricket. And only six months after the Great Left Hand has finaled international match, the Bugle came into existence.

And now some 14 years later, the Bugle is still going and Lara is still retired. And as long as he stays retired, we will stay bugling because the world needs one or the other of the bugle or Brian Lara playing international cricket. Either the scintillating batsmanship and fascinating career fluctuations of Brian Lara

or me and my guests banging on about the new. So we're keeping going until Lara comes out of retirement and he is now aged, I don't know, 50 odd, I reckon, so it's probably going to come down to us, I think. He shook my hand as a child. Did he? Did he? Did you imagine Australia? Yeah, I was a big fan of Brian Lara. Well, that, I mean, that congratulations, that's the correct way to be as a human being

and a dealer cricket fan. For us, special hundred and first episode, we have been inundated with tributes from our colleagues in the worlds of media and showbiz. This one, for example, we can only know that we know nothing and that is the highest degree of human wisdom. That's from Leo Tolstoy. Truth is like the sun.

You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't going away. Elvis Presley, thanks for that. Elvis and simplicity and sincerity, generally go hand in hand as both perceived from a love of truth, Mary, Walshdencroft. Now, none of them were specifically talking about the bugle, to be fair, and none of them are really relevant.

But still, it says a lot about this podcast at the likes of Leo, Elvin Mazel, but Fred takes some time out from their schedules to play homage to this show. And to mark the 501st episodes, we look at a few other things of which there have been or are 501. There were 501 body doubles of Queen Victoria that were used in the early days of postage stamps before they changed the law that said that every individual stamp had to have a hand-painted portrait of the monarch from a licensed and witness sitting after a couple years, Queen Victoria went off-grid and protested, and the government hired 501

Victoria local likes, plentiful in those days, of course, to sit for the stamps. There, 501 is also the number of different news stories in history, they're now just being endlessly recycled with different names and technical jargon cut and pasted in. And of course, 501 is the number of different attempts it took, Levi Strauss, before he got Strauss as right. Famously, the 501 genes were launched in the 1890s after 500 previous prototypes fell by the legway away, so I'd include the twos that the waist sewn together, and were impossible to put on. The 19s, the monolague design, proved to be restrictive and unpopular. The 46s, with built-in ankle blades, were deemed too lacerative.

And the 165s, with their single-length leg scandalized 1880s America by being only just below the knee of the taller customers, the exposed calves of a young jeans wearer at the inauguration of President Harrison in 1889 caused a new first-leddy Caroline to suffer a swooning from which she never truly recovered. The Levi 214s had revolutionary rear pockets made of salt crystals, which were visually striking but proved buttock, exposingly soluble in anything more than light rain. And the 542s were the first attempt to infuse new electricity technology with clothing to make trousers that lit up when the wearer started running using an early dynamo withdrawn

after a spate of crop shingings. Famously, Levi Strauss, when asked about so many experiments, said, I haven't failed to make jeans 501 times. I've learned 501 ways not to make a light bulb. Well, there you go. That concludes our special 501 section. Top story this week, Supply Chain Chaos around the world, and while Supply Chain's love and my hate them, they're really important to supplying stuff. And they've been in chaos around the one, Of course, much of the time supply chains are hidden from a public view, the Santa Clausian, magic of modern logistics,

providing those of us in the fortunate echelons of team human with what we want, when we want and what we think we need, when we pretend we need it. But at the moment, there is chaos around the world. I mean, how's things in Australia from a supply chain point of view? I mean, they're fairly all right, Andy. Right.

Things might be taking a little longer to deliver during COVID times, but they are still going fairly well. It's astonishing how quickly people in the modern world have gotten entirely accustomed to pressing a button. And then within days, having a stranger deliver a Silicon oven mitt 13 tiny gnome shoes for their lockdown madness garden gnome installation, a bucket of protein powder and a sign that says leave laugh love which you can't tell whether it's a misspelling or some Brexit based satire out of the people's Republic of China.

But apparently Britain is not not so good. Uh, shoppers have been warned to expect a nightmare Christmas with limited stock on the shelves and higher prices by suggests the nightmare has already begun. So this is more like what you would call a nightmare before Christmas if you have very boring nightmares about supply chain issues. I'm Jewish, every Christmas is a f***ing nightmare. Cost us a lot of market share. I'm a Pacific Islander, every English Christmas is a f***ing nightmare. Cost us a lot of market share. I'm a Pacific Irelander. Every English Christmas is a f***ing nightmare. What we're going to do? Go out and play? What are the...

According to the times, a lot of families are not going to be able to have a turkey for Christmas day, which is a big relief to people who think turkey is a boring food with little to recommend it. And also that we've been warned that presents under the tree may not meet expectations, but to be fair, they never do. How can any gift unwrapped match the unparalleled possibilities of a wrapped gift? Also, it's a great excuse, supply chain issues, is a great excuse for parents who give dud gifts, sorry, centres, European, and couldn't get a visa to get into the country. So here's your box of splinters. I mean, it does turn out that, you know,

the supply is complex where but of interconnected industries. And it's necessary to mean that, you know, when I want a Donica Bab delivered directing to my mouth and the comfort of my delivering room at 3 a.m. It should only take three taps on my phone to make it happen. And you know, that's just a basic human right. But we don't really, we don't appreciate everything that is needed to make that, to make that possible. And particularly here in Britain.

I mean, Chris, have you spent much of the the week you know, queuing up for I mean I know you have various other forms of transport notably you know swimming cycling and running in quick succession. But you know have you spent have you been panic queuing this week? I've done the full Christmas shop. Right. Including my daughter's presence, my wife's presence, which is the same thing because I just thought I'd like, you know, scale it down a bit. And I've ordered all of the food. Now, I guess the one worry I have is that it might have gone off by December, but that's a risk I'm prepared to take.

Well, according to the Grocer magazine, which is a magazine I've just discovered exists and now want to see the sexy centerfold of big producers of turkeys have reduced the number of birds they're rearing by about 20% not because there aren't enough anything but because they fear because of Brexit they won't be able to find seasonal workers to pluck and pack and deliver the birds in December and Paul Kelly of Kelly bronze fame pointed out, a turkey after Christmas day is worth nothing, depreciates more than a car.

But yeah, all over the place, the workers who keep these global supply chains moving, putting their hands up to suggest that it's all gonna come down, crashing down around our ears. I love this work, it seemed to be in the tricky situation where they've been told to get out because they were taking everyone's jobs. Yes.

And now they're being asked to come back in. So maybe everyone in England could just gift each other on theme a little just a blank piece of paper with the words consequence. I just have a new Christmas tradition of hubris that every December. The words consequence and hubris are not in any dictionary in this country. That is a new government law actually. This just came out last week to remove those words from the dictionary. This was off the Boris Johnson was seen physically tearing all the pages out from the dictionary for words beginning R E S P

and just to be on the safe side also tearing out any pages that had a word ending in oncibility, oncible or act as well. Boris Johnson really has been as always leading, as always, leading from the disused fridge out the back of his house on this. And I mean, it's largely a ceremony or roll these days being Prime Minister. But he's given a couple of extraordinary interviews. Have this not only the petrol crisis and just to give you a quick update on the petrol crisis and the panic that it is instilled in this country. People have been seen squirting unleaded petrol directly down their throats, then running home and vomiting it into the waiting mouths of their

young. A life-size cardboard cutout of the action movie star Vin Diesel was stolen from outside of multiplex in Tombridge Wells and heartbroken fuel fans have been desperately begging for service station staff where there's no fuel left to just describe the smell of petrol to them, was weeping on miss it so much. One of the contestants on the Great British Bake Off this week made a cake in the shape of a petrol pump, said I hope it's a magic cake or I'll never be able to get home. I mean we are really at breaking point. In fact one person just reading about was scene shoving dead plant matter and algae into

their petrol tanks while screaming can you please turn into fuel unless the million years or I'm going to miss my momma Krame lesson. We are at breaking point as a nation. On the bright side, the gambling industry is going well. People are laying odds on the next thing, which is going to be shortage. Yes, short, the shortages. It's a very lucrative, lucrative market. But Boris Johnson has told us that this and also the PIGCOLM SHAMOZL, where hundreds of thousands of British PIGS are unable to be executed for sausages, as they were destined to be because of a shortage of workers. And Johnson told us that the petrol crisis and the PIGCOLM was essentially part of a necessary period of readjustment after Brexit.

Now, I do do any of the rest of you remember that from the sides of the buses, you know, the, the, you know, the promises of hundreds of thousands of unkilled pigs roaming, roaming the country. I mean, it was, I remember this sort of 350 million quid a week for the NHS and the big posters of people coming over here to do our jobs for us. But I don't remember the unsossaged pigs posters and I feel let down. I think it's because you weren't watching for the whole amount of time and there was the bus and then behind the bus there was a little minivan with a pig just kind of tapping a watch.

Well, this is the problem. Boris Johnson can't understand the mind of the every man. He sort of tried to deflect questions about the pig problem, which is all these hundreds of thousands of pigs having to be massacred and disposed of because they can't be eaten by people by saying, well, it's not like they weren't going to be slaughtered anyway. But of course, he doesn't understand that, you know, your average every man might not enjoy the idea of wasting, you know, pig lives or perfectly good food because he comes from a millier in which a hobby of theirs is going together to spit wine on the floor. Like that's what a wine tasting is, they just spit wine everywhere.

He also suggested that the reason that the petrol shortage is so bad is because they don't have enough truck drivers and that's because more women haven't been attracted to the job, that the truck industry isn't welcoming enough to women, which I just think is top notch deflection. He's like, women don't want to piss in bushes and that's why you don't have petrol. I do it was women's fault. It always is. It always is. I think to be fair to Boris Johnson, this is needed a most embarrassing or stressful moment for the Tories involving a pig.

So I want to say this directly to Boris Johnson, I will piss in a bush. I have no problems. That is not the issue here. One of the issues with the pig situation is a lack of British youngsters who are keen to make a living slaughtering animals for every reason. God damn snowflakes. I mean, when my generation was there, we weren't even allowed out of the house in the morning till we'd slay in a cow, a pig, a sheep, and a bucket, a chicken, and the mini

avatuaas, all the homes had in those days, but the modern generation, you know, aren't as tough as the house in the morning till we'd slay in a cow, a pig, a sheep, and a buggy chicken in the mini-abattoirs, all the homes had in those days, but the modern generation you're honest, tough as to lie to me. But the problem is, is that when you're young, if you walk around and go in your mouth, I just want to kill some pigs, then maybe with a hot start, search you, get a little mark next to your name. I do think it's not, we're not very far away from the government claiming longer, happy alive for British piggies as a benefit of Brexit. I think that is within the next week, keep it out of the news.

I mean, I was worried to be honest about the pigs' breakfast of pigs not being made into things you can even breakfast, but on the plus side, they do become kosher if they're not eaten. So there's that tickling, and it's signifying us, escaping the tyranny of Brussels that forced, forced, I'd tell you, all of Britain's industries to hire the cheapest available labour. Is it now known as a Brexit full English then? It was just a full English without bacon. Without full English, we're just a live overweight pig.

So it's just a plate on a pig. You can get in Melbourne. The decons, the re-constructed sausage. That's very farm to table. It extremely, I mean, in terms of the global supply chain is in America, container ship stuck in a major clogging of the coast of the USA. Toys clothing furniture, basic common sense justice and facts all running in dangerously at short supply once again in the USA. They are power cuts in China, leading to concerns that Chinese factories might not be able to make all the shit we need to keep our economies going. They might have to switch to more environmentally friendly forms of dissent suppression and ethnic cleansing,

which could exacerbate the power crisis. Dried noodles in Russia are in short supply. Could this be what finally brings Vladimir Putin down? No. And in Britain, this shortage of lorry drivers, which has led to a shortage of fuel at service stations, which has led to a shortage of calm equanimity and queues at service stations, people have been drawing knives on each other. There have been fist fights over fuel.

And it's led to a classic shortage of leadership from the government as well. And there might even just reading today be problem supplying English cricketers to Australia for their quadrennial thrashing, which shows how deep supply chain issues go. It didn't really affect me the fuel crisis. I've got a very British car indeed, which is surely Andy. Surely Andy, the bigger issue is

whether England's supply of South African Crocodons. Well, that's actually dried up quite alarming like a gentleman's reflected in England's recent results. But the fuel crisis didn't affect me. I have a very British car indeed, which is fueled by a burning sense of pride in our role in the industrial revolution. The problem and ease all these networks are breaking down. People don't trust experts anymore. They also don't trust workers or business owners or landlords or tenants or politicians or institutional power or teachers or teens or the every man who's probably an anti-vaxer or the privileged middle class f***head or the police who are probably a rapist and it turns out that the whole of society up until now has rested on a fragile web of trust and accountability in systems that although flawed more or less worked and now the firehose of the information age has just forcibly sprayed out of the garage

roof corner of modern life. We've suddenly realising that that particular spider of trust was the one bringing us luck by keeping away the flies of Christmas nightmare. Right, I mean, that's an interesting way of putting it, and certainly not the way that the government have been portraying. It's certainly not in those terms. Anyway, I'm personally, I think it was all kind of inevitable the moment that we left the caves we used to live in 30,000 years ago and started wanting to move around. It's been downhill. I mean, really, arguably, since we moved out of the sea that we lived in so happily until half a billion years ago, till some over-curious fucking fish thought I wonder what's over there. And that's what I'd blame more than Brexit.

I do feel bad for the British because we stopped allowing you guys to colonise and it's still all just falling apart, isn't it? Well, I don't think you stopped us. I think we chose, we chose not we chose to let the world go its own way. That's how a break up works. It was a mentoring scheme James. It's been very badly represented by historians. It is interesting that the depending on I used to live in Brixton before the apocalypse and if there was a knife at the petrol station that was a community problem. But now in like winter when there's a knife at the petrol station it's now official humanity is going to be overtaken by robot life within probably a decade or two there's no escaping it now the robots are on their way Amazon have proudly

announced that they believe that in five to ten years time every home will have at least one robots As part of every day life to which there are two responses one Stop trying to strip all the humanity out of humanity and Two only one robots why only one robot we need more not just in the home We need in all top-level politics only when it's completely robotized Will we be able to sleep comfortably in our beds at night without waking up in a cold sweat screaming who's prime minister I'm sorry grand and I'm so sorry um how excited are you both by the

prospect of uh an Amazon robot being um part of every single family in the known universe within 10 years first of all hats off to Amazon because Amazon because they've looked at a global pandemic and for how could we raise the stakes and they've introduced a robot which again really just screams Jeff Bezos. They think it's cute. It's the creepiest damn thing. They've caught it Alexa on wheels, like that isn't a Hollywood pitch right now for a horror series. And I think at some point we have to understand that if you put a robot in every house in the world, where the pets of the robot? A wealthy friend of mine has just offered me her $2,000 robot crib, which senses your baby's cries and rocks it with increasing velocity until the baby

either shoots into space or accepts the robot as its proxy mother and that begins to prod against you. I did say yes because I didn't have a crib and you don't have to plug it in so it can just be a normal overpriced place to put your baby and if it can plug itself in all the best of luck to it, we weren't done for anyway. Yeah, I didn't have a crib and then, but this is like, this is also an inheritance thing apparently when we were born as twins. Dad was like, don't we need a crib and mum said, we can just pull out a drawer, put a towel in it. Not, God, we need a robot.

Didn't go down that route. I'm sort of terrified by the prospect of this robot group, but it's, it's sitting in the study staring at me. So, I mean, it's going to, I reckon it's going to prove too tempting at some point, just to see, on my friend's layers by it or praise to it, I can't tell which. I just don't know any bed of literature where a robot has raised a child. That's worked out well. Amazon has suggested that it's not just for children. It's a $999 robot, which is £740, it could be a help to the elderly, though, of course, not the poor elderly.

No, true. And also, to get robot assistance. Well, that's essentially robotizing grandchildren now, so they're not going to leave human grandchildren, they just have a robot to tell you alarming stories about the past. So they say that the robot will be able to patrol your home and alert you if it detects quotes something unusual. Now that is a that is a concerningly vague term for me because unusual, I mean that could range from a servant voly in modern professional tennis as pretty unusual. It could be hearing a politician give a direct

factual answer to a question in an interview. It could be form of BBC sports presenter, Desmond Lyne, dressed as a pumpkin, or it could be a giant group of sentient alien plasma eating all the pastrami from your fridge. I mean, those, I mean, something unusual is that's too vague, isn't it? That is too vague a thing to trust a robot with. Yes, absolutely. It's all well and good until you have to watch it a distance through your phone app while your robot vaporizes a squirrel. I'm not keen. They keep trying to humanize this robot, which I think is the wrong track to go down. You want the robot to be, you want to be sure that the robot is a robot. This robot does beatboxing, but the

definition of beatboxing is where you make electronic or sort of recursive noises with your mouth. The robot doesn't have a mouth, it's just being a drum. It says, so it's not beatboxing. It's not even a drum, it's just a speaker. It's not. Yeah.

Just taking all the romance out of beatboxing. And I thought, what, it's done, that's the right way to go. You know how you're always scared that someone's going to discover what you've been looking at online? I just feel like having an entity in their house that already knows before you've got a chance to delete it is a, it's just a socially bad idea. Especially if that entity has access to your bank account. I just saw big red flags jumping up. The robot revolution is changing the workplace as well and you know don't be complacent

but you might think it's going to be okay for your job but progress is progress and if you are not worried you should be just ask a horse. You know, when the motorbike was invented, they probably thought, yeah, right, no legs and no tail. Good luck with that. You too will want to be donkey. But look at it now. And robot is in Scotland.

I mean, working on robot solutions to medical problems. And they've trained a robot to be, any guesses anyone, a surgeon maybe, and a needs statistic, a midwife, perhaps a GP that can fire lasers into the ceiling to scare off timewriters who've got a hurty knee? No, they have trained a robot to be a squash coach. Yes, a robot squash coach has been developed in Scotland. Mammotor Science solved World Hunger First, improved squash coaching methods.

Second. science, solve world hunger first, improve squash coaching methods second. I mean, is this progress for humanity to have the game of squash, which is a sport of incredible craft, skill, athleticism and speed and squeakiness of shoe, to have that coach by robots rather? Is this what we need at the moment as a species? Yes, absolutely. New robots to do all the dirty boring jobs that real people don't want to do and squash right down there at the bottom of the heap. I disagree. I disagree, Alice. I think there's a lot of former actors and out of work stand-up comics who have managed to chan their way into pretending to be a squash coach.

to charm their way into pretending to be a squash coach. LAUGHTER These robots are coming over here, taking out your hops. I mean, it's a sport that's been dominated by Egypt in recent years. So, Alice, imagine Egypt will be very cross with you for your adverse comments about squash. Well, to be fair, they are naturally suited to squash the Egyptian phenotype is suited because they're always in three quarter profile.

And that is the best way to approach a squash ball. They have seven men and six women in the current world top 10s. And no sport has been this dominated by Egypt since they were absolutely bossing the professional least space efficient means of burial circuit back in the day. They've also developed robots to play football as in proper football, not any of the American or Australian versions. Can you see robot rugby taking off James? I mean, you know, to the way England have been trying to impose this on the world for many decades in the way they play the game, but still using actual physical humans. Do you see robot rugby as an improvement?

No, no, I think if there's a top five things we should not teach the robot. Tackling is definitely up there. Don't teach them the chase, don't teach them to tackle. That's Terminator 101. I would love to see a human try to explain the inexplicable homerotuses of a scrum to a robot. It's just a transformer combino, isn't it? It's a cello, isn't it? I mean, if we want to break the robots, we just show them footage of Aussie rules and get them to try and understand that.

Air travel news now. And Alice, you are the Bugles Air travel correspondent having jetted from hemisphere to hemisphere so many times until the last 18 months or so. Bring us up to that with what is, you know, potentially one of the most exciting developments in the history of air travel. Well, this is massive innovation and massive innovation in the air. A budget Ukrainian airline has allowed its air hostesses to not wear high heels in the sky, which they've revamped their uniforms to great controversy. Some people are very upset by to not wear high heels in the sky, which they've revamped their uniforms to great controversy.

Some people are very upset by this. Some people are very happy about it. Move over suffragettes, contraceptive pills, hashtag me to, there's a much more significant moment in feminist history. The airline is called Sky Up and the flight attendants will be allowed to wear trainers in the sky. Up and the flight attendants will be allowed to wear trainers

in the sky. One of the flight attendants said when asked to comment that 12 hours in heels is extremely painful following up with a long noise in Ukrainian that translates to fucking obviously everyone wants to take their shoes off on a long flight. You think we want to bring you your tiny bottles of overpriced liquor in foot knives. I love teetering about on my tb toes thousands of feet in the air you f*** heads. Anyway, I just find this story so funny because it seems so incredibly overdue. The idea that women should be wearing heels in the sky. Literally, just feels like an outdated, leftover piece of garbage. But James, do you have other opinions?

Do you like your women's slightly taller than they should be? I just have to pause. I almost walked myself into a family argument on a joke there about my Pacific Island cousins. But let me tell you, where does the end? That's my only concern Alice. You know, where does it end? If we, if we start letting air hostesses wear sneakers, then soon they're just going to be only wearing the skirt and the blazer for the check-in and then changing into track pants.

They'll be pushing the cart up in comfy socks. Probably have one of those neck pillow things around as well for when they sit down. I mean, if we make these people comfortable, then they're going to start being happy. And no one wants a happy flight attendants on a 18 hour flight. Well, this is a domino situation because a number of airlines are giving up traditional uniform requirements. Virgin Atlantic has allowed their flight attendants to not wear makeup. Japan airline has allowed their flight attendants to not wear makeup. Japan airline has allowed their flight attendants to wear trousers instead of pencil skirts if they ever want to take a step longer than half a foot.

And Norwegian Air has allowed flat shoes as well. So it's how will you know? I think this is the real question. How will you know in the air? Who's the airline host and who's just the idiot in trackie dack sitting next to you? It's because the airline host is the only one who's obliged to smile. That's. But I mean, until a host have full freedom of footwear, we won't live in a truly equal planet, you know, until we have, you know, the, the, the, the flight attendants wearing, you know, welly boots or pointy-toed medieval poulanes or clown shoes or high-toed shoes rather than

high-heeled ones, that, I mean, that's just clearly in another form of prejudice. We won't have a fair planet. The media reaction has been interesting to this, you know, latest dismantling of patriarchal tradition, brimstone flock it in a daily telegrapal. So this is feminism gone mad, whatever next we allow them to doorbar faces with masonry paint instead of serving us a gin and tonic. Danil Ramahorn from the weekly bleeds, this is bad for

passengers, flight attendants will be shorter without heels and therefore less able to see down the aisle when I want another whiskey. Well the airline's providing with periscopes, don't hold your breath. And Garforth, Snelly from anachronicity.com, the only paper-based website on the internet said whatever next will male flight attendants be forced to wear bras? Why can't we let men be men and women be what men think women should be? So strong media reaction to it. Elsewhere in the progress of feminism news, Alice, a big story in the world of chess, Fede, the chess governing body has provoked anger amongst many chess players by a sponsorship deal with a company that specialises in breast enlargement surgery. I mean, chess at its heart is a feminist game,

a useless man depend on a high skilled, high-chieving woman. But I mean, this doesn't seem to be the kind of sponsorship deal that a game stroke's bought, looking to progress in the 21st century should be signing. Well, is it a feminist game, Andy, or is it a game where the queen multitask zips all around the board and then the bloody king gets credit for being the vital piece moving one square at a time while she can run the whole board in one go. If they're married, she is 20 years younger than him and

he still tells her to get Botox. That is the situation that we're in. Well, I don't know if they didn't want Chess to make them think about boobs. They shouldn't have made the bishops' heads look like little nipples. They should have also. We all know that checkmate has always been sure for check out those tits mate. We all know that. We are in the middle of party conferences in here in the UK, we will have a full update on it next week, where the Labour Conference last week just received the final confirmed score, Labour Party NIL, the Labour Party NIL, to go into a replay yet again

between those two age-old foes, and struggling for party unity. So I mean, for most of the Labour Party unit E is the one between unit D and unit F, the storage step-o, where they dump the boxes and boxes of unusable. Congratulations, you won an election balloons. This week we have the Conservative Party conference.

We will have full updates on exactly how they've tried to spin all the shit that's currently going on. Right, I think we need to wrap up because we've done a mess as anything else. You just really wanted to get out. Great. I need it. I've done it how I messes anything else. You just really wanted to get out. Great. I mean, well, I probably shouldn't use those words. Oh, we just had a hope that these were

being Braxton Hicks's throughout the last hour or so. All right. I think they are. I think they are. Well, I'll do, I mean, we're happy to live stream it if you want Alice. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle, which will be the last bugle that Alice will do before having a baby on the outside of her rather than the inside. Good luck. I would say enjoy it. I don't know if that's the right thing to say at this.

I mean long term obviously is short term, I don't know. I don't take a scrambles. I was interested to see how it goes Andy. People keep asking me, very nice big guys keep asking me for a PO box to send gifts. I don't want your stupid gifts. Once I get a secretary to help me get organized enough to hire a secretary who's brave enough to fire the original secretary, I'll get that secretary to sort out a PO box for me. Until then, you can just send support or threats in the form of subscribing to my Patreon or my Twitter or finding a donation button somewhere and just giving money to anyone really that made me happy. It would be nice.

It would be nice to each other and create a world that I can birth my child into. That is hopelessly naïve, but it's a lovely sentiment. James, anything to alert our listeners to? I would offer to let them send me gifts, but I'm currently podcasting from my wife's childhood bedroom, and I just think I've already put enough pressure on my in-laws without random gifts from podcast fans showing up in the mail. I think, you know, so I do have a mental health podcast, which seems might be good for some people at this point and season fours just come out of that which involves eating chicken in a shower and talking about how insane the world is. Which I just recommend for people anyway, whether they listen to the podcast or not. That concludes this week's bugle. We will continue with the second half-bellenium of Bugal shows next week.

In the meantime, here are some lies about our premium level volunteer subscribers. If you want to join the Bugal Volumptu subscription scheme to make a recurring or one-off contribution to help keep the show going for the next 49.5,000 episodes, go to thebugalpodcast.com and click the donate button. Timothy Chilvers is never that fast by the number of dead insects on the windscreens of cars. I think it's testament to the arrogance of these quite literally spinous blowhards, expounds Timothy. They think they're tough and cool because of their compound eyes, or very fastly flapping wings, or exoskeletons or whatever,

and that they can take on a car. Well get this, splatts of the roads, know your level, I'll take the car plus human driver every time, unless you get inside a car while it's being driven of course, in which case it's more like 50-50, concedes Timothy. Greg Lazarev is not convinced that rainforests are particularly well designed, given how important we are told they are for the planet. It seems a bit silly to pile all your resources into concentrated, distinct areas, says Greg, leaving them vulnerable to mass destruction. Surely it would be better if everybody in the world had maybe two or three trees to themselves,

rather than outsourcing it to a few key areas of billions of trees of rainforest around the world. It might make us take a bit more responsibility, as well as giving us the chance to find an exciting new undiscovered species of something in our tree. Charlie Vickery thinks that people make too much fuss about Leonardo da Vinci designing a helicopter. Look, the guy had some funky ideas, I get that, says Charlie, but what was the point of a chopper in 1480s Italy? There weren't any helipads for a start, so where would he have flown to and from?

And what if his helicopter designs were as crap as his seating plans at team building dinners out? I mean, seriously, 13 dudes all on the same side of the table. Look, I get that the 13 ladies didn't show up for whatever reason, but even so, you go boy, girl, boy, girl, don't you? It's absolutely basic stuff, complaints Charlie. Andre Amare once bought an old oil lamp at an antique shop and excitedly took it home in the hope and indeed expectation that it would contain a magic genie that would grant

him some wishes. On rubbing the lamp, a genie did indeed emerge, but was quite rude, claim he couldn't do anything more ambitious than a couple of free meals at the local cabab shop, and swore at Andre's next door neighbours when they knocked on the door asking if the genie could help find their missing cat. Andre asked the genie to go back inside his lamp and then put it in the metal recycling. By contrast, Helena Thomas had a delightfully polite genie emerged from an old lamp, she found it a charity shop. Unfortunately, the genie, for all its conversational charm and impeccable diction diction confessed to being quotes really out of form these days after losing confidence when an attempt to summon a brand new Lamborghini resulted in a skimpy, sheepskin swimming costume,

whilst another wish for a never-ending milkshake resulted in a traumatized cow and a small earthquake. And finally, someone who goes by the name of Invert J can relate to the experience of a non-functioning genie having had them misfortune to someone who, tearfully admitted to being on their first job and only being a genie after themselves accidentally wishing to swap places with their own genie having meant to ask to swap places with Hugh Grant but not clearly enunciating the first H of Hugh. The rookie genie was thus unable to successfully grant any of Inve's wishes, the contents of which we are not liberty

to divulge, suffice it to say that someone really wants a fire-breathing dog, and someone's dog is now terrified of candles. Here endeth, this week's lies. Goodbye. Goodbye.